Channel: The Deen Show
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Everybody watch the show? The show Bismillah Alhamdulillah, Salaam Alaikum. Peace be unto you. Thank you for tuning in to another episode of the deen show from time to time, we sometimes we answer some of your questions, we have so many important issues that we're dealing with here on the D show. And we encourage you to come back here every week. And if you don't catch us on the TV station, you can go to the D show.com, where all of our shows are there. Now we come back, we're going to be answering a question from a sister, she got out of a relationship, one that she shouldn't have been in, but she learned from it. And now she's trying to cope, because she's having some effects of
negative effects that have come up from this. And she wants some advice. So we got an expert on a Dean's show to give us some of that advice. We're going to be reading out her question we come back and helping everyone benefit from the answers. Sit tight. We'll be right back. This is the thing.
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Salam Alaikum Peace be with you.
hamdulillah praise to the Creator of the heavens on Earth. Last time I saw you I think it was in India, or no I even saw you I think after that Canada, but before that, India and now you're back in Chicago on the deen show. Yes. Hey, man, it's good to see you, Eddie. It's good to see you, too. Thank you once again. Thank you. Thank you for having me. So now tell us a little bit about you. So most of the people, the Muslims, they know who you are. And can you I just for our not yet Muslim audience and those who you know, the first time getting a chance to tune in and and see you here, tell us a little about yourself? Well, you know, you refer to me as the chef chef is, is a title.
It's not like milkshake.
As you know that there is no concept of clergymen in Islam, there isn't there is no, okay, it and this idea is supposed to be very liberating. Nobody comes between you and your Creator. Okay, you do not need an operator. It's a direct call. So Islam rejects the whole notion of clergymen, to a sheriff Imam is a title that is given to a person like myself,
when the community feels that you are worthy of it, and it's just a title out of respect, that this person knows a little about the theology of the religion, and we can ask them questions. So the title is really just to indicate, to indicate that you got a lot of money. So shake can also be a tribute to the guy who's got a big bankroll, like a like a prince or someone like that. Is that also Yes, it was you can either refer to a religious scholar, an elderly person, ahead of a group, specifically a tribe, or sometimes in some places, like in the Middle East, it is, you know, pets of a nation of people who belong to big families who are, you know, leading a nation, they also be
called, shares. So anyways, so there are two ways to become a chef, and I went to school, I got my degree in Islamic Studies. And then I got my degree in psychotherapy. Yeah. And now I'm practicing psychotherapy. So, Mashallah, so time is short, we're going to, from time to time we answer some of the viewers questions. Okay. So we have a question here from a sister. So I'm going to go ahead and read it and then we can diagnose it and hopefully, inshallah, you can go ahead we can give the answer to this question the sisters saying that I have been in a very long relationship with a boy, and we have broken up 100 law or thanks to God, I've learned from my mistakes, and understood why
girlfriends slash boyfriends are, and in Arabic, she used the word Haram, which obviously means prohibited in Islam. My question is to you, how do I move on? Although I know everything happens in the will of God, it is hard for me to put this past.
It is hard for me to put this in the past and move on. I put my trust in God. But it seems as though it is always on my mind every second.
I think about this boy, and the relationship that we had. I really am trying to work on being a better Muslim, but I don't know the steps to take to move on. I'm sure many other girls are going through the same thing similar situations. So I would kindly appreciate some advice to help out the other sisters, as well as myself. Eddie, let me begin by thanking you for creating such a safe place where people can actually send in their questions.
That is it just says a lot about about the show when people trust us with something as intimate and as personal as this, it means that we're doing something, right. So I congratulate Thank you. Thank you, Marsha. And I also appreciate, you know, what the sister has done here. And that is, look, I've got an issue, and I'm reaching out for help somebody who's acknowledging that we have made, I have made a mistake in the past, but I'm also acknowledging the fact that I am still stuck in my past, and I am unable to move on. So I really appreciate this, um, this, let me just begin by where she's ended up by saying that she recognizes that it's how long. So what happens is that nowadays, the
whole idea of Islam teach us that there's got to be a distance between the genders mean that we keep, we keep a safe distance, men and women keep a distance. And that distance is both symbolic, emotional, as well as physical. If a man wants to be with a woman, there is nothing wrong with that, all we ask for is that you add an ethical component to this potential relationship. And that ethical component to it is the idea that we want to grow spiritually into this. And we're going to publicly acknowledge and commit to one to one another. But that is what's happening in our ways is, you know, this whole notion of people being in love. And you know, what they say? people, you know, a man and
a woman, they first see each other, and then they immediately fall in love. No, they fall in bed before they.
So this is this is what we feel bad before they follow. Exactly. So it's more of a less now. Exactly. And and you know, it's funny, because they say that men use love to get sex, and women use sex to get love. Wow, a woman thinks that if she has sex with a guy that is going to cause him to love her. And if a guy tells a woman that he loves her, he knows that this is what's going to get him to sex. So it's interestingly, how our society has really mixed the whole idea of sex and love, where it's almost, if you have sex, it means that you are in love. Well, if that's the case, then what do we call rape? If sex equals love, then what's rape? Too much love? Of course, it's not.
Yeah, so. So Islam, teaching us that in what keep a distance between the opposite between the genders. And again, this distance is really for the protection for the protection of all. And nowadays, what we see, you know, this idea of the relationships that people have out there, you know, they say that there is a relationship that we call connection, and that is, you see a person and you admire their physical appearance, and you fall in love, not with who the person is, but rather what the person is. And that is their physical appearance. So we are connected to the person due to their flesh, or to the flesh, we can only speak about them in in physical terms are like that
the girl by the liker, who you know what, she's got this, and she's got that. So we can only speak about the other person in physical terms. And that is terrible, because we only see their usefulness, but not their goodness. And that's a terrible relationship to be in. And sometimes we connect to people simply because of their wealth, or I like him, because he buys me stuff all the time. I like him, because he pays for the dinners all the time, he fills my gas all the time. But that is the extent of it, we cannot talk to about the person beyond their usefulness to us. And that is really, and that is really terrible. A healthy relationship is a relationship where both parties
care for the development, for the well being, and for the growth and the happiness of one another. That is a healthy relationship. But it's not just healthy because of this, but most important because it has that ethical value in into it. So when people when people you know, go out and into these types of relationships, and they break with with one another, whether it was an ethical relationship or not. It sounds like the sister has really given a piece of her heart to this person. And she is heartbroken at this point because he remains in her heart, but he's out of her life. So how do we help that sister? And that's the crucial question. We're going to be answering this and
more here on the D show. Sit tight. Don't go nowhere. I am not afraid.
I am not afraid to stand.
I'm not afraid.
I'm not afraid.
I'm not afraid.
I'm not afraid.
I'm not afraid of
go to my room
you know me better than myself so me the right way and I will leave everything behind.
A lot of that greater any great, everything is intelligent.
Back here on the show with Shay Yasser for saga, please continue where you left off. Right? So like we said, this is a person that will most likely always have a place in that sister's heart sounds like, you know, she committed to him, and she was there and she admired that person loved the person. And we don't question that, that. That part of it. And you know, she's saying that, you know, she admitted that the relationship to begin with was not really the best of relationships to get to get into. So what we have now is that this is what we would consider to be a loss of a love. She's asking how do I survived a loss of love, she is going what we call through the stages of
grief. And basically, when a loss takes place, we human beings, we go through five stages, the first stage being shock, and denial, oh, my God, it has not happened. So we're not, we're not really, we have not realized that we have not accepted it. So a person would look numb during that stage, like staring all the times like, I can't believe it, I just can't believe it, they may not even be able to cry, because they just the shock is just so amazing. Well, that may last for a long time, short time, then the next stage is it they get it, it is it is no longer they. So there is a lot of anger and resentment that takes place as a result of the acceptance of the of the loss. And then we go
into depression. And that is recognizing that the anger has not done us any good. So we go into depression, and you know, we've lost it, it's not coming back again, it is reality at this at this at this point. And then after that we try to make peace, you know, how do I make peace with my past, you know, where do I find meanings. And then we go into acceptance, and being able to, to, to move on. So again, it's very human, that we go through these stages to make sure that we heal well. Now there is really no science as to how long we stay in each stage. Some people stay in one stage longer than others, we cruise through some, but by means of observation, we will all go through
these stages. So to the to the sister, I would say do not rush yourself out of it, in a sense that do not have what we call a flight to health go through the natural, the natural ways of how we human beings deal with, with our loss, accept the fact that this person will always have a place in your heart. And when we say accept, we're not we're not branding it with approval. But that is just part of reality at this point to talk to her about Oh, you should have never been there will not really do any good. It's already it's already over. But we can address our sisters who have not been in these types of relationships, to be careful about that. But since she is the one that asked the
question, are they accept that fact? So don't think that when I forget about him, that's when I am here? No, it is when you accept and you come in peace
with the past, that is when a person is is healing. So I'd say please do not rush yourself out of it. Continue, as you said, you know, I'm trying to be a better Muslim as well. And as we've tried to squeeze, you know, bad emotions from us, the only way to squeeze these bad emotions is by actually instilling positive emotions in our life. So the more happiness we bring in, you know, the more misery we squeeze out of us. So that's what we want to do, you know, do a lot of good to yourself, so that the negative feelings will start will start going away. Tell us for you see this problem happening a lot in today's culture and society where we know that Islam encourages you to go ahead
and marry if you need to, you know, you have this desire to do it in a constructive way with within the bounds that the crater is pleased with within marriage. Now, if if in a society where it's just just normal, and there's a lot of peer pressure, you have a lot of people who are just dating, and it's natural. It's something that you know, it's just normal. How can the youth or even just young adults, or even adults not fall into this trap if you remember Eddie in the very first
Assume that I came on your show, we spoke about the whole idea of the subjugation of the passion. I mean, that is just one beautiful teaching that Islam has for us. And that is, recognize the challenge, we cannot. And here is a sad reality, we cannot escape it. You know, it's like porn, it's like, these are all, it's just all over the place, it's right on your face, we cannot escape it, but we have the choice to reject it. So what we would say is, yes, accept the fact that you cannot escape it. But you don't have to be part of it, do not participate in it. And that is, it's a great, it's an overwhelming pressure. And that's why, you know, I would say to the parents, please
appreciate the challenges that these young men and women are going through. I mean, imagine that you are in high school, you are popular, you're good looking, you are active, you are known. And sometimes you may not be any of that. But yet somebody comes and they express interest in you. And there is that age, when we want to be acknowledged by the opposite gender, a woman want to be told by a man that she's beautiful, that she looks nice. A man wants to be told that he is, you know, he's got her attention. And that is just it's music to our ears, to know that we've been acknowledged and noticed by the opposite gender. Now, the question is no appreciate. And that's just
part of the natural development and growth that we go through as human beings. But as parents, make sure that you always have a healthy alternative. If we do not have happy homes, where we are validated by our parents, where we are encouraged by our parents, and we are not we don't know, or at least it has not been verbalized to us that we are loved by our parents, we will look for love somewhere else. So we would say at that point, it is a challenge, not only to that system, not only to that brother, but it's also a challenge to the entire family. What kind of alternatives can we create, so that our children do not fall into it? Now what about the individuals who are like you
said, you know, it's his music to the ear, the woman she wants to be told She's beautiful. So she's putting herself out there on Facebook on MySpace, and, you know, the the boy also, he's on the hunt, and he just put another number now he just got another,
you know, victim, and the boy has bragging rights, the girl She's like, you know, trying to get that status of being the hottest girl and it's a game, it becomes like a psycho just a game and you know, many women, some of them, you know, they, we want to give them the facts. So they're naive to a lot of this. And they, they fall for these, you know, sweet nothings. And the boy who shouldn't be doing this, what advice do we have for them? Sure, you know, here's the thing. Remember this, if how we feel about ourselves, is going to determine is going to be determined by what other people say or think of us, then we're doomed. how we feel about ourselves should not really come from what other
people tell us about ourselves. Now, it may enhance how we already feel about ourselves, but to just wait for validation from somebody else, then we are giving and surrendering a lot of power to that person. I will only feel beautiful when he tells me I am beautiful. I will only feel important when she says that I am that is a lot of power. People don't know how much power we are giving away to other people when we fall into that. So it's all it really comes back again to the subjugation of the passion. Recognize that it's really nice. It is music to the ears. But you know what, right now, I'll be singing that music to my ears or not somebody else will be singing it for me. And I think
that is key self discipline and self control. It's interesting also, because the prophets wa sallam speaks about about this peace be upon him. And he says that truly a believer is the one who takes pleasure in the good that they have done. And McMenamin. Serato has enough to do. So now how we feel about ourselves does not come from what people say or think about us. But rather it is our own commitment to what our principles and values say to be like, we're gonna take a break, and we're right back with more here. We're Yasser zaga, and the dean shall sit tight. You can't take my daughter to dinner, you and my daughter and me.
Let me tell you something, it's natural. Just the idea that created it and He created us to have a good time, we should have a good time. With our wives though.
Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world. And most of the converts are women, not men, they see that the rules of Islam instead of constraining the rule, set them free. Okay, you put your dream home and you've got your dream car, but you're gonna get old and things are gonna happen to you in your life. And then what have you got at the end of the day is an empty dream that has no real Foundation, we are going to die and we're going to meet our Lord and He is going to judge us. It becomes an obligation for each single human being to find out what the Quran is. Islam is telling us
Stay away from things which are bad for your person and bad for the society.
killing of innocent human being
human life is precious back here on today's show with Shaykh, yasir zaga. And we have so many things to talk about on this topic so little time. So
we just want to leave the people with some good information to good advice. And hopefully we can, we can get this sister now to feel better to be on a road towards healing up and not going back to that and people can benefit from her question. Now, one note on her. Okay, she realized what she did. She shouldn't have done she shouldn't have been in this relationship from from the get go. Right? That's clear. Marriage is the way to go in Islam, right? Yes. Okay. She gets the phone call now. She's healing up, boys will be boys. He's not on the correct way. He's not doing the right thing. And he's hungry. He wants to eat. You know what I'm talking about. He calls her up at one two in the morning.
Hey, baby, and he started he still has her number, right? What do you do? Well, this is what we say this is about avoiding a relapse, you know. And the best thing at that point, I actually had a client who was in a situation like this, you know, the guy got what he wanted. And then by the end of the day, you know, unfortunately, squeezing an orange, squeeze all the juice out of it. And then what do you do the rest of it? throws it away. Yeah. But then he, I guess took him some time to find somebody else. Didn't know where to go, he still had her number wants to call her up. Again. Please remember this. Edie? You know, the word love in Islam, in the Quran, appears in over 90 places love
and its derivatives. What is interesting is it does not define what love is, but speaks about the very first consequence of love. Now, if you claim to love a person, what would be the very first consequence of you saying that I love that person? commitment. So Islam talks about commitment. If you truly love, then commit, if you do not commit, then your claim of love is not real. So for that system, if that kid is really interested in you say what I want you to meet my parents, I want you to come and propose. And that's when our you know, not really now I am not ready for it. Well, then you're seeking me for pleasure at this point. And I do not. And I'm not going to put myself out
there just to please you, which is what has happened in the in the past, I don't assume. But it seems like you know, now that they're broken up, if he wants to come back just for this, I say please test his commitment and say, if that's what you want, I want you to talk to my parents. And I remember when I told this to my client, he actually called her. And he said, You know, I really miss you, baby. And you know, he was singing all the right tunes into her ears late at night, like you said, 120 maybe 125 Yeah, but he said, You know, he said all the right things. And she started falling for it. And then she remembered what we talked about in counseling, and she said, You know
what, that sounds really sweet. I want you to meet my parents. And that music absolutely changed, said, you know, I'm still I can't let that die, he starts to he was out at that point. And he could not complete a sentence. Yeah. And she immediately knew what he was after, was not necessarily what you wanted. And at that point, I am not going to open myself up so that you take what you want. And then you're going to toss me as you have done this in the in the past. So please, you know, stand your standard ground. And remember, remember this, you know what, never change who you are to please somebody else. If we just keep doing this all the time, the person who is in relationship with that
person is no longer us. It is somebody else? And what good is it that we lose who we are in order to be with somebody who does not like us the way that we are? I'm not I'm not hesitant or shy to use strong language here because I love our sisters, we love our women in Islam, we love our sisters in humanity. So even if you're not one who has consciously submitted to the one God, you're not doing the way of life of all the messengers of God, Islam, we still want the best for you. So when I use such harsh language, I say beware of the dogs because a dog he wants to eat when he's hungry. So that wolf in sheep's clothing. Beware of them don't fall for these tricks. And this is that good
advice that make them come through the front door so he don't go through the back, by all means, and see and here's the thing, and I'm not denouncing us as men, but we really do have the ability to sing all the right music. You know, I deal a lot with women.
Men who are in abusive relationships, the average woman in the US who is in an abusive relationship remains in that relationship, an average of 18 to 25 years. This is somebody who is physically, verbally, mentally, psychologically sexually abusing the woman, yet she stays with him for an average of 18 to 25 years, I have counseled women who got out after 21 years, 19 years, 20 years, and what have you. But what is most common about them is, this guy knows how to load them back in, he knows how to say, he knows what to say. He just knows which buttons to push. And you know what, they read them so unbelievably? Well, I think and please don't hold that against me. But I think
that some of the greatest psychologists are actually pimps, because of their ability to come up with a read a person and just be able to press all the right buttons on that, on that on that person. You know, so we would say, we would say police, if anybody claims love, then ask for commitment. Because they said they love you, it does not give them the license to sleep with you. Okay, you want to make sure that because this is it's not just a physical act, but rather great sex is sex that actually has emotions with it. It has genuine emotions with it. And if he loves and then wants to be with you, than they should be ready to commit to you, if they're not willing to do so then I would really
question and a message now to the parents who sometimes hinder this great task, you prepare your child to be a doctor and a scientist and an engineer, you're prepping him for this making sure he goes to the right institutions, and you're helping him or her along her way. But now marriage, you're not taking them to the right classes, sitting with the right people listening to the right lectures to prepare them. And now even that peer pressure starts to peer in peers in and now they end up doing it the wrong way. What advice for the parents do you have so they don't contribute to this harm, you know, as a cardinal mistake that we as parents make is that we teach our children how
to make a living, but not how to make a life. Mm hmm. What good is it that I know how to make a living, but my life is really a mess. Yes, preparing us to be a good man, a good woman, by giving us you know, these valuable lessons and, and just not being afraid of, you know, knowing what our challenges our challenges are. So as important as it is to teach us how to make a living. More important is to teach us how to make a life. And I think if we know how to make a life, then we would know how to make a living. But because we know how to make a living, it does not necessarily mean that we know how to make a life. So please, especially in today's culture, be aware of the
different challenges that you know, our children go through Newsweek magazine had a poll asking children what was you know what was most influential in their lives? Parents were not number one, not number two, not number three, not number four, number five, number six, they came in seventh, they came after school, teachers, friends, celebrities, magazines, and what have you. So please do not lose that place of authority. You are the best teacher, you are a teacher who is emotionally invested in the well being of your of your children. And because of this addressed the real challenges, life issues, life related issues. And I mean, come on nowadays, sex relationships is all
over the place. And if you are not willing to talk to your children about these issues, somebody else's somebody else is and I am so thankful and grateful that it came to us. And we got to talk about this very important issue. And we look forward to having you again here. In addition, we started with peace, we end with peace and peace. We love you. Thank you. So, Lincoln Center. And thank you thank you for syntype through another episode of the deen show, I hope you got to benefit from the sisters question and advice that we got to give her and everyone out there. Don't get caught by that wolf in sheep's clothing. Don't let that person come to the back door. Make them go
through the front door. Make them meet your parents and talk to your parents have an open relationship with the parents and the parents with the children and stick to the game plan the game plan that was revealed by the Creator of the heavens and earth and that's that total and complete submission to the one who created you living life according to his will not your desires. And at the end there's nothing less than paradise. That's right paradise. And we hope that you will come back here every week to the deen show. Until next time, peace be unto you