Desires – A Crash Course on Relationships – 01

Tariq Appleby


Channel: Tariq Appleby


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Sit down why they come to LA he ovako

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elementary level so that was sit down wide also de la vida early he was so happy he ultramarine Alhamdulillah praises you to Allah, it's a great honor to be in your company today. And we make do I make dua that Allah subhanho wa Taala makes this gathering a gathering in which we will share beneficial knowledge. We will share with you some practical tips and principles that we need to implement in our lives to ensure that the goals and objectives of this beautiful religion, we can accomplish that one of them or two of them would be the protection of my life and the protection of my honor. Allah subhanho wa Taala has sent down the Quran and the Sunnah year since the Prophet

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Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam with many different you know, teachings, but from amongst those teachings that we directly benefit from is the protection of our lives and the protection of our honor. And the protection of our lives means that we want to protect ourselves, our physical bodies, but we also want to protect our emotions, our psychological states, the more we feel, we want to keep our feelings protected. So our course or our workshop will cover marriage, we'll talk about divorce, we'll talk about dating anyone now. So we'll talk about these things and we'll talk about what more importantly the we as Muslims are supposed to be doing in all of these circumstances. So

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that's really what we want to cover today. And I make dua inshallah Allahu taala, that will able we will be able to cover these topics, we'll give it you know, it's due the due diligence that it requires. And then when we walk away, at the end of this day, we will feel confident that we have the necessary knowledge and tools to deal with all of these issues that we face, it doesn't matter. So bahala, just recently, many, many people think that these issues are only about you, you know, the youth, the Shabaab and I, I can no longer claim to be from that anymore. Once I reach the age of 53. Unfortunately, I am no longer a sharp, you know, but any of you under the age of 33 enjoy it

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while it lasts, it's not going to last forever. But the point I want to make is that many people think that these kinds of workshops are only for the youth, the unmarried youth, but there are a lot of issues that we'll talk about today that even married people have to have to, you know, be very careful about I'm a marriage counselor. And I've counseled many couples that have come to me because one or both of you know,

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of both the husband or the wife or one of the two you know has been in a relationship with someone else doesn't have to be a physical relationship, but could just be you know, text messages could be on WhatsApp could be on email, but that one of the spouses are both have become emotionally attached and in some cases unfortunately, physically they have been involved with you know, sexual intimacy outside of the marriages. So, these kinds of this knowledge that we are going to discuss today is something that even the married people and let me just see the show of hands, any of the married people.

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Mashallah, okay, so maybe I shouldn't talk about it that much. We should have a private gathering. there's so little a few of us, right? Okay. So what we want to do with the The first thing we want to start with today inshallah data, we can get the slide

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it's coming, don't worry, get there

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like fumbling.

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The next one. Okay. So the two main focuses in our, in our workshop today, the first one is going to be about gender, relationships, gender roles, we're going to ask questions, like who gets to decide, you know, who's male and who's female. You know, we have so many different discussions today about transsexuals and about homosexuality, and you know, gays and lesbians and people that are asexual and I so who gets to decide all of this? Who gets to decide Another question we could ask ourselves, who decides that something is permissible or impermissible? Right, your mother or your father? Most of the time and I know most of the time, it's our parents to say you can't do this and you can't do

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that. But we want to take this authority

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This appeal to authority even higher in our discussion today. Okay, we're going to ask questions like, you know,

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what are the differences that we should be using. And that's the first point that I want to really delve into. What's the point of reference that we should be using when we are discussing important things in our lives as Muslims, you know, when I was growing up in Cape Town,

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my parents gave me so much freedom to handle life, I think about it. Now, I'm amazed at how much freedom I got as a Muslim boy, so much freedom. And then only when I reached the age of about 18, I realized that freedom has been more detrimental to me than helpful as be more detrimental than it has been beneficial. So because when we grow up, we just get the old things like don't do that the neighbors what will the neighbors See? Right? Or don't do that your grandmother, she won't like it. Or don't do that because you know, x, y and Zed person is not going to approve. We don't grow up telling our children don't do that. Is not pleasing to Allah subhanho wa Taala. We don't go we don't

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grow up getting told that if you want to go to gender, then do this. Because Allah loves this. And don't do that. Because Allah subhanho wa Taala doesn't love that. Right? And why should you do that? Why should you and then you talk about the loss of a handle of data, you talk about these names and these attributes. Imagine for a moment that we grew up like that, you know, the Hadith, if you know the Hadith and put up your hand about the seven people under the shade of Allah, do you know that Heidi, who knows that Heidi? Okay, but let me give you let me give you the Hadith. And for those of you that don't know, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that there will be seven people

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that actually seven Okay, just imagine there were two extra fingers there right?

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Seven people that will be under the shade of a law on a day in which they will be no shade, absolutely no shade and why is this important? You might ask? Why is that important? What Why is shade important on this date? Because the Prophet said is says in another Hadith that on that day, the sun will be closer than a mile a male now in Arabic we could we could you know interpret this in two ways. One would be an actual mile 1.6 kilometers or it could be that which is used to apply kohle to the eyes. How big is that?

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It's about this big and

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the you know, that little instrument that people use to place What do they call it in English? Go help anyone

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that mascara.

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eyeliner is another is a nice word. In India, any any Indians?

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Yes. And I but I can't think of an English word now. But you know what I mean? So it's about this big so the sun will be that close and people will be drowning in this sweet, right? Some people will have this wait until the ankles until the knees but it will be extremely hot heat that we couldn't imagine. So shade will be so beneficial on that day. And what is saving people that will be under that shade? Is the just Imam the leader, right? The just leader. The second person is the person I want to focus is shabu. Nasha. Fei vida de la is that young person, not only has he worship Allah, but he has grown up in the worship of Allah, it's natural for him or her. They don't get told wear

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your hijab, go to the masjid, you know? Because why should I go? This is good for you do it because I said so. You know, that's how I grew up. I would I would watch my father May Allah forgive him and me, but I would watch him. You know, he would be watching the rugby and he would say to us go to the masjid. I was like, What?

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And then I was like, but you're watching the rugby he would say no, no, no, no, no, do as I say they'll do as I do. Okay, and for us, for those of you that are going to be parents in the future, may Allah grant you all pious beautiful, handsome spouses and beautiful healthy pious children and inshallah say I mean, I mean, right. So this is what we want, but we want our children to grow up with in a manner that we perhaps did not grow up in. We want them to grow up in the worship of Allah subhana wa Tada. So it becomes who they are not what they do because they are told to do it. Right. They love doing it. They are motivated to do it. They like one of my friends is daughter when she

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was four or five years old, she would wake up earlier handler to this day. This is such so amazing. She will come and wake up her parents will fudger mommy Daddy, it started for Salah. Right? That is how I want my children to be and I would like your children to be like that as well in sha Allah, right? That's what we want. That's the youth. That's the generation that we have to and how we want to mold that generation. How do we get there if we start changing ourselves if we become better, right? Okay, let's so let's move on in sha Allah,

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your complete ahaadeeth before we move on

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Yes. Okay, so it's only fair shabu. Nasha Eva Tila Rajan kalibo Allah COVID massage. So the first person is a just email, the just email, right? Who's that the mom, the Prime Minister is the king, you know, in our circumstances, but inshallah, in the future it will be, you know, one leader for the Muslims they had the halifa. But just imagine nevertheless, number two would be that young person who grew up in the worship of Allah, the third person, his origin is a man whose heart is attached to the to the masjid. Right, His heart is attached to the masjid, whenever he leaves them as God cannot wait to return again. The fourth person or the is that person who meets another

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Muslim, they only meet for the sake of Allah because of the love that they have for each other for the sake of Allah, when they leave. When they get together, they come together because of the love for Allah. And when they leave each other, it's with the love of Allah as well. The first person is a man listen very carefully. This is very, you know, relevant to our to our topic. The first person is a man who is invited to illicit sexual intercourse to Xena by a beautiful woman with status and stature.

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This Hadith can also be flipped the other way around a woman that is invited by a man who is very handsome and attractive, and is also a man of stature. Okay, but what is this person say, this man or this woman when they are invited to Xena? They don't say Yes, please. They say in knee kafala Indeed, I feel Allah, that even though every ounce of my buddy tells me that this is what I should do. And even though that my I am hardwired, that my my, you know, my the way that Allah has created me as a person with desires, I will say no. Why? Because I feel a loss of a handle of data. That is why I say no, not because I I fear that someone will you know, someone will know someone will find

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out that someone will you know,

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you know, tell my wife or tell my mother or my father or people will get to know that I've committed this said no. I say no. Because in the UK often Let me ask you a question. It's a really interesting question. I think

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a person is on his or her way to this is a nice example a casino and I. So what's his wallet in his pocket? And he's walking to the casino, he gets to the casino and the doors are closed? Is he sinful?

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So I walk into the casino, right? What Why am I walking there? My intention is to do what? To gamble, right? So I get the and the casinos close another scenario, I'm on my way to the ball. I'm walking towards the bar, and I get there. And I take my wallet. And I forgot it at home.

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Right? So now I can't drink? Am I sinful?

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Really? But if I had money in my pocket, would I would I have been drinking? If the casino was open? Would I have been gambling? So how can I not be sinful? Why do you okay? Those of you that say no someone articulate your reason? Who says no, I'm not sinful?

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There were a lot of people that said no, and now they are no hands that I come on that I will say no, if you said no, give it articulate the reasoning. You know, why do you think I am not sinful? I had every intention to this obey Allah. So when I got there, the casinos closed. Am I sinful enough?

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If you say no, I'm not. I'm not here to judge your answer. I want to know why you sit so that that's very that's more important to me. So tell me someone

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Why do you think I am not sinful?

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Because I'm going to use this example later. Again, I'm interested in this go, right? I'm interested enough find a video attractive martial law, Video Intelligence sophisticated and all those other 20 reasons that we tell ourselves, you know, makes this Okay, so I send her an email. So why did you send me an email I keep will lie shift just for the sake of Allah, you know, because I think she'll make a perfect wife and you know, that's the justification. So when the you people have justified it, they gave it easy. So you will give a reason why you think I'm not sinful? Anyone? No one. Okay. I'll give you a reason you think I'm not sinful because I didn't commit the sin that I okay. But now

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then how do we understand the Hadith where the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that if two Muslims come together and they fight each other with the swords, the murder and the murdered person will both be in the fire of gentlemen. So the companions they will populate as perplexed as we would be. They say Yasuda law. You know the car Thiele the killer that's killing

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That's understood, right? He committed a crime a sin. So he's placed in Jannah that we don't dispute that makes absolute sense. Well, not valuable tool. So why would the murder person also be in Ghana? So the Prophet said something very interesting that will, that will make us understand this issue. He said, Cana Harrison, Allah Coppelia, he, he was eager to kill his brother.

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Right. So you had the intention, you had every intention to commit the sin, but you will not prevent it by your taqwa you are prevented by other reasons, the closure of the casino, not having enough funds, maybe you got there to the casino, and then you saw your uncle drive past, like ups, right. And he just, you know, you just go and you and you're on your way so that no one sees you. That's not the reason that we as Muslims should be giving up since four, we should be giving them up for the sake of Allah subhanho wa Taala, because that is when they are permanent. And that is when they are, they are a means of reward. When I was, I used to be a drug counselor as well, I don't like to

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do it anymore. But when I used to be a drug counselor, when I used to realize is that if you can convince a drug addict, that what he's doing is first and foremost a sin. And that he is destroying his Eman before he's destroying his body, and his relationships with these with his family and his friends, etc, then this is not the only way. But this is one means that you know, a one means of therapy that is very effective. And I've seen this with many of the people that I've spoken to, you know, once they realize that what they are what they are doing is destroying the relationship with Allah subhanho wa Taala. It is a permanent in some cases, not all because as we know, if you're

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addicted to something, it is extremely difficult to give it up and even with sins in general. And that's the beauty. This is the beauty of bringing it back to this particular you know, issue. I know we are digressing, but I hope this is useful in sha Allah, that this person is a drug addict, it's a sin. But when you tell that person that what you're doing is destroying your relationship with Allah subhanho wa Taala and destroying your Eman in the time that you relapse, they now have another they have the same reason they gave it up the first place. When you attach when you try to get them away from the addiction using other means, like family, like friends, like a job like a wife or a husband

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or children. What happens when these people turn against them, that no longer becomes an option you can turn to. So let me give you an example. Let me just make it very clear. So the brother is a drug addict is married with two children,

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if you will, if you tell him that if you don't stop your addiction, you are going to destroy your marriage and your relationship with your children. Right? Then he says, Yes, you're right. So he gives it up for six months. Six months later, he relapses but then his wife has had enough. So she divorces him. And she takes full custody of the children which he is entitled to and South African law. I don't know about Malaysia, but because he's an addict, she takes the children and that's it. She's is no longer married, and he no longer has his children. Now what reason does he have now to give up his addiction? Do you understand? When you tell him that it is a sin, that every time he

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relapses he knows that he needs to come back you can come back to Allah subhanho wa Taala and that he can repent there are other ways they are the therapies you know, then many other many of the very useful, but this is the one I like to I like to implement especially because of my background. Let's move on inshallah huhtala. The sixth person is the person who will give sadaqa will give charity and he hides it so much so that he's left and does not know what his right hand has given. Why would the prophets Allah, Allah and Islam phrase it in that way? The reason for that is that it is so secretive, is sadaqa is so secret that even one part of his body does not know what the other part

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of the body is doing. Today, unfortunately, someone balls emoji. He wants his name on the side, isn't it? So? Tarik Appleby? Both this Majid in 1955 and 50. But you know what I'm saying, right. So my name is the when and when I when someone publishes something, they want their name, they when they give charity, or they donate, they want the name or the company's name mentioned, if you want that for tax exemption, they don't intend for it to be soda. I'll say that, again. If you own a company and you are sponsoring an event, or you are sponsoring someone or something, then don't have the intention that they sort of make the intention that is a tax exemption for donation, right. If

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you want it to be charity and you want it to be sincerely for the sake of Allah, I am not saying that if you do it the first way that there's nobody would, I'm saying if you want to make sure that there is a reward, they'd rather give it secretly without anyone knowing where it came from and Alhamdulillah today, it has used technology to implement this

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Sixth Street. Let us use, you know our bank accounts and let us rather you know, directly deposit money into the accounts without them knowing where the money has come from Allah subhanho wa Taala has made it even easier for us to give charity secretively. Lastly, the seventh person

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is that person, Dakota laconian I found out I know that person who remembered Allah in secret privately, and the eyes teared, how long? How often let me know let me not ask you but ask yourself this question. How often have you been alone? And you can hide when remembering Allah subhanho wa Taala How often have you been just in your room or just driving in your car? And you just thought about the majesty of Allah you in all of his creation? And you you know, you said Allahu Akbar Allah Subhana Allah, or you were reading the Quran, or you're making dua to Allah subhanho wa Taala and you cried so much that you know, it felt as if your eyes would not dry. When was the last time you

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did this brothers and sisters, Let our hearts soften to the remembrance of Allah subhanho wa Taala. And may Allah bless each and every one of us these attributes that we have mentioned the seven and there are so many more, but let's move on each All right. So let's talk about these two differences that you and I as Muslims need to be focusing on if we want to be successful in this life and in the year after. Those two are the Quran and the Sunnah. They are the book of Allah and they are the that it is the legacy of Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, his teachings he sayings he statements, his actions, his character, this is what we need to be focusing on. If we want to be successful. The

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question is why? Allah subhanho wa Taala says in a in an ayah in the Quran,

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Allah, Allah shavon yo g Bismillah Yo man Yo,

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yo yet your name, he or user key

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loss of data says that he is the one who was sent to the people from themselves. A prophet, a messenger. Who is this messenger he is Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. What? Why have you sent this messenger? Oh Allah. Oh, Allah says, Why have you sent a messenger to us? What do you what is his purpose? yet? No, I lay him Teehee that this messenger will recite to you the versus the Ayat of Allah subhanho wa Taala. Why use a key him so that he may purify them? Why do they need purification of Allah? They need purification because they have moved away from the reason why I have created them. Why have you created them, Oh Allah, I have created them for my worship, they worship me

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alone. And they worship me in the manner that I have prescribed and I have taught not in something that they have invented or that they have created, but the way that I want them to worship me what I find pleasing Allah subhana wa tada says, we use a Kenyan and he purifies the What else does he feel you find them from the desires, the base desires, right? We're going to talk about that today inshallah, the need to get married, they need to satisfy our sexual desires, the need the desire for children, the desire for wealth, the desire for fame and popularity, the desire so that you know, the desire to feel welcome to feel part of a group, these are all our desires. And Allah subhanho wa

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Taala, sent down the Quran, and send the prophet to teach it and to read it to us, so that we can control and manage our desires so that our desires have purpose, they are used in a manner which is pleasing to Allah subhanho wa Taala. Like when you get married, that's channeling your desire in a halal way. When you have children in marriage, that is having something that you crave that you every person wants this. So Allah is a big thing. Now, in ideal with this, you know, unfortunately, a lot Well, at least when I was in South Africa, this was a huge problem. We women would be in the 50s and 40s. And they are not married. Right? They are not married. We're going to talk about that

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today as well. inshallah huhtala. why most of the time, it is because not because they couldn't find someone. Now many people came to propose, but they were pursuing their careers. Right. They were pursuing their careers. they graduated, they did their masters and a PhD. Then they started working, moved up the corporate ladder. And they kept on doing this until when they realized they were 58 years old, not married and desperately wanting to be married and have children. Right. And there are many men unfortunately, more women in my experience, not in reality, but in my experience. They are men

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This as well was so focused on material wealth and material, you know, advancement that they forget about their desires. And unfortunately in most of these cases, when I speak to these people, most of them have been in harm relationships. Okay? Most of them have been in harm relationships because the thought of getting married seemed to be too inconvenient at the time. So what does Islam do? Islam teaches you how to manage those desires how to make sure that your love Your love for wealth and your desire for wealth. Don't we all want money right? Is there anyone here that doesn't like money? Well, let me see.

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Anyone know anyone no one knows not a person martial arts.

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I used to ask this question and people would actually put up their hands and I would have to say to them liar, right? I mean, I'm not talking about a billionaire. We're not talking about becoming you know, Bill Gates or something. Just the fact that having money You know, when you go

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Has this ever happened to you, you go in and do some shopping and you take out your wallet to your purse, and you don't have enough money?

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Right is it ever happened to you? Now that's the guy that that's the kind of financial independence and security that I cave, then whenever I need to buy something, need to buy something that I always have enough money, and I that's why I would like to be not there yet, unfortunately.

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But inshallah we will get there one day, as soon as my kids start working, and I will get some extra income inshallah. That's why we have children. Right, so they can work for us. Anyway, let's move on. So Allah subhanho wa Taala says, Why yuzaki him? Why yuzaki him, he purifies them, unifies them and teaches them how to handle the desires, how to control them, while you are only Mohamed Al Kitab al hikmah. And he teaches them the book and the Wisdom which is the Sunnah. So you need that because you are going to purify your desires and control your desires, and you are going to realize and establish the reason why you have been created, then you will need knowledge you will need wisdom.

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And you will need this guidance which Allah has revealed, right? Why inconnu populo, Laffy abahlali mubin Even though these people, you and me as well, before we were sent the prophet in the book, we went clear misguidance we didn't know how to live our lives. If you look back at history, Subhana Allah, we don't even have to look back in history. We just have to look now at the state of the world as it is right now. And we will start to realize how important it is for us to go back to these sources of guidance. Why so many people that I've spoken to over the years? Why do they accept Islam, because they find something in it, that they do not find anywhere else? Because it doesn't

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only teach you about you know, like in Christianity, believe in Jesus and you will be saved. Right? The grace of God will, you know, will will ensure that you will be successful that you will go to Paradise and that's it. What about my daily life? A Jew once came to to sell Marlin 30 C and he was mocking him by the way. He wasn't you know, that was this wasn't a compliment he was giving him He said, You know your Prophet, he even taught you about how to go to the toilet.

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It's hilarious, you know, having a bowl and mocking him. Funny. Your Prophet taught you had to go to the toilet. Some other fallacy you said yes. Yes. He even told us that we should not use our left hand when cleaning ourselves and that we should not Shouldn't we should not use less than three stones. He was proud of that. Why? Because he was proud of the fact that this Deen taught him how to live his life in every aspect of it, everything. How he earns his money and how he spends it, how he lives with his wife, how he treats his children, how he does business, how he interacts on a social level. How's he supposed to worship Allah subhanho wa Taala every aspect he has knowledge and

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guidance how to do it properly you know one of the this give a simple example of this you know when you you travel as anyone traveled outside of Malaysia

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anyone know no one inshallah we'll go soon This will go for a minute. All right, you can join us next month we go for ama inshallah, right. But when you travel, don't you find it amazing that someone says as salaam aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

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that is cool. I love that. You know, you when you travel and people see that you are Muslim, you know, and they just beat you and they shake your hand they're like you know where you're from and like you knew you've known each other for years. And I never used to have that when I was growing up because most of my family's Christian you know, and even amongst them it's not you don't feel you know, I don't feel that that that warms. It's not any some teaches you to be like that to be obedient to your parents or take your brothers and sisters well, to have respect for your uncles and your aunts and you know, to beat them and, and to honor them and so many other things. It's part of

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the teachings, not part of the culture.

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So the Quran and the Sunnah are the references. So everything we're going to talk about today, we want to talk about it in light of these two things. So when we talk about dating, is it okay? Well, what we need to refer to the Quran and the Sunnah, right? And if we talk about homosexuality, is it okay, is it not? Okay, where do we go?

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The US government? I shouldn't have said that. Let me take that back.

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Should we ask the South African government? Let me just say that this is a did that and then with the South African government in there, but the point I want to make is do our governments decide what is halal? And how long? Do our cultures decide what is halal and haram? What is okay? And what is not okay, for me as a Muslim to do what you say, let me give you an example. Something that we always talk about, and it's always there. If you if I insult Majid over here, and I, if I insult him,

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what is the government say about that?

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Is that okay?

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Like if I walk in right now, if someone walked me a healing look like a beard, you know, like, Whoa, what's that look like weeds growing on a, you know, is it like moss that's out of control or something like that. So that's an insult. The Sharia doesn't allow that. Right doesn't allow us to mock and call people names and to insult them and to hurt their feelings. But our governments allow it. Our cultures think it's okay. We have a culture in Cape Town where people have the most ridiculous names nicknames that you could think of you have a culture in Malaysia, nicknames.

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And I, so we have a culture like someone said something about my surname earlier. Like when I was growing up my My surname is Appleby, so no surprises, my nickname was apples, which is the Afrikaans translation of Apple, right? So whenever I when my friends would call me, apples wasn't really insulting. But there were other names that other people got it was really insulting. Okay, so Islam doesn't allow this. But the culture says it's fine. And there's so many other things that the culture allows when I was in India,

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then let's bring it back to our discussion. People used to ask me about the dirty *. What do you say about the dirty? And I used to say, while it's part of Islam, and the look on the faces, they were like, what? It's allowed in Islam. How can it be allowed in Islam? I said, Yes. When a man wants to get married, he gives his wife a dowry. They said, No, no *, you must understand. The dowry that we're talking about is a dowry, which the woman and her family gives them in. I said, What is that? That's how all right? That's not permissible. That can happen. That's not supposed to be. But the culture says it's fine. Actually, the culture says it shouldn't be like that. So we have

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to be very careful that we don't disobey Allah subhanho wa Taala, because it is what the culture demands, or many people ask me, we're going to talk about this, again, about sexuality. But let me just say that we, you know, we have like one train of thought here. People are going to ask me, What do you think of same sex marriages? I said, Well, it's not that this is all right. So but the government's allowing it, I said, the government is allowed many things in South Africa, you can drink, you can smoke a certain amount of marijuana. You can do you can commit adultery and fornication, it's fine. It's not a problem. So whatever they make permissible or impermissible, it's

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always going to be halal or haram for, for me and you depending on what it is. Because what Allah has revealed, is his constant, it is coherent, it's going to be like that all the time. Why? Because one last point before we go for our break in sha Allah, is that Allah created you and me, escaping all of us. He knows our nature. He knows our desires, he knows our wants and our needs. And fundamentally, those wants and needs and desires have not changed since a luckily hated Adam.

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And we'll talk about that in more detail. But we'll go for a quick break in sha Allah huhtala Zakouma located on Santa Monica Rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh.

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I wonder what she's doing now. This is a bad sign. Allah is a bad sign. When you are worshiping a lot and you're still thinking of that person will not be with that person causes you to become so depressed you stopped going to the masjid. You stopped going to classes you stopped reading. You stop doing anything which is something which is beloved to Allah, then you know you have a problem.