Sarah Sultan – Mommy Rage – How To Manage Anger When Kids Don’t Listen – Webinar

Sarah Sultan
AI: Summary © The speakers emphasize the benefits of parenting and empowering children to live a successful life. They share step-by-step instructions for managing anger, including creating a positive intention and not reacting in anger. The success of a program for parents to connect with their child's heart and build meaningful connections with their children is also emphasized. The success of a program for parents to use their children to achieve success and build meaningful connections with their children is also discussed. The success of a program for parents to use their children to achieve success and empower themselves is also emphasized.
AI: Transcript ©
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I will introduce sister so hustle, Dianne. So Michelle, she is a therapist based in Houston she's also an instructor with Yaqeen Institute you guys probably have seen her amazing content she also gets pulled into my head and discover you a lot as well. I don't think there's enough of her to go around and and handle she's also in the instructors that was on her program of movement and she's been quite active and handle on many fronts. So make God that was constrained These are sometimes when you see people in these spaces are like, okay, yeah, you know, she's presenting, um, she's got obviously just like you guys, as a mom, so many other identities and hats that she wears. So it's so

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important to keep them in our lives and, and hamdullah. And you can follow her on social media for a lot of inspiration that she shares and content that's, you know, helpful and grounding ourselves in being and handling and using modalities and therapeutic principles to strengthen ourselves. So with that, Sarah, I'll hand it over to you just go ahead.

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Does that Gloria for having me here today and to all of you for for being here, Ma sha Allah, it's so wonderful to see so many, so many moms here, I don't know, maybe there might be some dads as well. But a candlelight. It's wonderful that you all took the time out to be here and to join us. Males positive reward all of you. And just like Lufia Razia for the encouragement to make dot for me. That's very, very much appreciated. So yeah, keep the keep the dot coming.

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So I'm really excited, like I said, to talk about this topic, because it's not something that's often discussed. But it's something that so many of us struggle with and can feel very, very alone and struggling with it. And so

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the first thing that I want to acknowledge is the fact that motherhood is incredibly hard. A lot of times when people talk about becoming a new mother, they talk about the beauty of welcoming a child into the world. And of course, there is beauty, there are blessings. There's baraka and welcoming children into the world and Hamdulillah. And that blessing that Allah Subhana Allah gives us. But a lot of times people neglect to discuss the struggles that are inherent in the role of motherhood, and the fact that motherhood is incredibly difficult. I remember when I was having like, when I was going to have my first child. I remember after I had him the first couple of months were very, very

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rough. The newborn stage was always a very rough stage for for me personally.

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And I remember talking to my mom and asking her, why don't you tell me? Like why don't you give me a heads up about how hard this would be. And she said, nobody talks about it. Nobody wants to scare a new mom. But instead, what ends up happening when when we don't talk about it is that we end up feeling alone, and we feel like something's wrong with us. And so we don't share the struggles, because we feel like we're the only one struggling. And that's very lonely. But Allah subhanaw taala does not ignore this, he actually talks about the hardships that mothers endure. He talks about it in the Quran, where he says that we have commanded people to honor their parents, their mothers bore

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them in hardship and delivered them in hardship. Right, so so there's this acknowledgement and validation that motherhood is hard. It is incredibly hard. And and so you know, this, this, these children who are blessings also have a way of bringing up emotions that we may never have previously struggled with, or emotions that we used to struggle with, but we thought we had overcome. And I know that was like that. For me. I was always as a young child, I was like, I was very stubborn, very emotional, and all of these things. But then I had worked on myself for a long stretch of time. And my patients had increased all of these, you know, different attributes had increased and gotten

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better, and everything and then I had kids, and then suddenly, all of like, a lot of those struggles are to come back up. And it was very surprising. And so as mothers, we've all had those moments of anger, we've all had those moments where we didn't recognize ourselves. If you're fortunate, you're able to recognize that this anger is not a true representation of who you are as a person or as a mother. And if you're fortunate you have a spouse who realizes that as well, and offer support instead of censure or criticism. But for many mothers, that's not the case. And this anger and this rage actually leads to very intense thoughts. Like is there something wrong with me? How can I treat

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my my helpless child this way? I die. I'm damaging my child beyond repair. I can't seem to control myself. I'm not a good enough mother, I'm the villain. In this situation, all of these thoughts can start to come up. So how do we understand and address this anger? And how do we learn to manage it? And that's what we're going to be talking about today. We're going to be talking about understanding the anger and then practical ways to be able to start to create a change.

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One thing I want to preface this with and give you guys a disclaimer is even when you're working on

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nit, you will not be perfect, you will come away with tools today in sha Allah and you can start to implement them right away. But it's not going to work every single time, especially in the beginning. Because you're, you're, you're trying to train yourself in a different way. And it's really important to be okay with that to realize that I'm going to slip up sometimes, but I can always come back around and repair it. Right. So that's a very important acknowledgement before we even Delve it. Okay. So, the first thing is to understand anger to understand where this rage is coming from.

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Anger is like any other emotion, it's a signal within our body. That tells us what is happening, that there is something important happening around us. Anger is an excess emotion, but it's a natural part of life. And this is why the Prophet Muhammad SAW Selim talked about it so frequently, and he described it as anger is a burning coal, it burns in the heart. And for those of you who have had this struggle, you can you that's such an accurate description, right, like the heat that you feel in your body. When you're you're feeling angry, and the way it comes up, it feels like a burning coal. And so realize that even though these feelings of anger and frustration often feel

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uncontrollable, we have the opportunity to either allow ourselves to lose control or to regain control. And so even though anger is a human emotion, how we act when we're feeling angry is what we need to address. And unless pans out appraises the attribute of addressing and managing our anger, where he describes people in a praiseworthy way. And he describes them as those who spend in his cause in prosperity and in adversity in good times and bad times. Those who repress their anger, and those who pardon men, who pardon others forgive others. Verily, Allah loves the good doers. So one of the descriptions of the good doers that ALLAH SubhanA wa, tada is talking about here are those

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who are not those who don't feel anger, but those who don't react in anger. So feeling anger is okay. That's normal, right? But what we want to take control of is how to not react in anger. And, like Razia said, which is a very powerful point, if reacting out of anger was something out of our control than Allah's pathauto would not have attached such wonderful, wonderful praise to this quality.

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If it was something we couldn't work on them, it wouldn't be something rewardable are so praiseworthy, right? So it is absolutely something that we can transform and we are capable of change. So, we're gonna go through a step by step process. To talk about this step one, in managing anger, creating any change is always intention.

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Intention is always the first step toward any positive change, any type of transformation.

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And this cannot be a change that you're only doing for your kids. This

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Am I muted? Can everybody hear me?

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Okay? It sounds like it's okay.

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When you're making an intention,

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it's not only for your kids, it's not only because your husband told you, you need to work on this, right? Like, I'm sure a lot of you have had that experience or, you know, your your spouse might not be that understanding. Right. And so it can't be because somebody else is telling you to change. It can't be just because of your your kids. This has to be for the sake of Allah subhanho data, because then that means it's for you. It's for you.

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Allah subhanaw taala is the source of all goodness, he's the one source of stability in our lives. Because when it is for Allah subhanaw taala, it's for you and it's a source of goodness for you, no matter what's going on around you. So having that intention is very powerful. There's a hadith where the prophet muhammad sallallahu wasallam says, There is nothing swallowed with greater reward from Allah than a servant who swallows his rage seeking thereby the face of Allah.

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There's nothing rewarded more than feeling the anger that you feel and not reacting in it. And doing that for the sake of Allah. PandaDoc Nephilim hummus SLM also said, Whoever restraints his or her tongue, Allah will cover his or her faults, whoever controls their anger, Allah will protect them from his punishment. And whoever seeks forgiveness to Allah, then Allah will accept that forgiveness, that seeking of forgiveness. And so we see the like the rewards that are that are

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are attached to this. And when we're making our intention, making our intention that okay, I'm not going to react in anger, because this is a way of Allah Subhana Allah covering my faults. This is a way of Allah's pancetta protecting me from his punishment. Right and asking yourself from now, right in this moment as you're making a positive intention, what version of myself? Do I want to be in the next moment with my children? What type of mother? Do I want to be in this interaction with my child? How do I want to look back on this moment with my child when they're in bed, and we all as moms have those moments where you know, your child is asleep, and you look at them all they're,

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they're such perfect angels when they're asleep, it looks so peaceful and beautiful. I'm, I feel so badly that I yelled at them during the day and everything. And you have those guilt moments that happen at night, right? And so, in those moments, instead wanting to ask, okay, how do I want to look back on this moment?

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And then what do I want my child to learn from this situation? And when you have that, when you have the answers to those questions, transform them into diet, transform them into a diet to illustrate that I want to be able to look at my child sleeping at night. And think, you know, we had a good day, I was really proud of myself in the way that I dealt with that situation. I made my child feel safe and secure. I dealt with my frustration in a way that felt really powerful to me, I felt empowered, because I was able to handle it differently. That when there was a power play between me and my child, I didn't fall into it. Right? These are all the things Yeah, Allah please make them a

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reality. So So you know, like Allah. pancetta, for example, is a setup, here's the source of safety.

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And then asking SNM, almost passata to make you a source of safety to your child, right, so So transform these questions into diet.

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And then with the intention, reminding yourself that in the akhirah, in the Hereafter, you will be rewarded for every single thing that you're doing. A lot of times, being a mother feels very thankless. You don't feel appreciated. And so you know, realizing that Allah subhanaw taala, appreciates and acknowledges everything that Allah has that it is a shock, what is the most appreciative, she sees and appreciates everything that you're doing, even if nobody else does? The product hematoxylin tells us that the most beloved of the people to Allah are the most beneficial for the people, the most beloved actions to Allah are to cause happiness to reach a Muslim to

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relieve him of a hardship to settle a debt for a Muslim or to repel hunger from him. And then he says in this hadith, that for me to walk with someone, in order to assist him is more beloved to me, then to make it get in this semester, this semester than Medina for an entire month, that the Prophet Muhammad Salah missing, it's more beloved to him, to help someone then to say in his message, and never we and we know that prayer in that message is multiplied significantly,

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to stay in that message in constant worship for an entire month. And so all of the things that you do for your child are included under this umbrella to cause them happiness, to repel hunger from them, right, where you're feeding them, and taking care of them to relieve any type of hardship. All of these things to help your children is under this and probably even more because they're your children. And so having that intention for the sake of the theater for the sake of the pleasure of Allah subhanaw taala can be very powerful. So that's intention. And that's step number one.

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Step number two is acceptance. Acceptance of what, except that your emotions are transient, your emotions do not last forever, they go up and down. Remember that our feelings move through us. So if you're experiencing a really intense emotion right now, if you're experiencing intense anger, right at this moment, it doesn't mean that you're going to feel this way forever.

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One year from now, if you know I think about you know, one year for that one year ago, whatever was frustrating me at that point, whatever was making me anxious at that point, whatever was difficult at that point. I don't remember what it was. And you guys probably don't either, unless it was a major, a major incident.

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One month, one week, even a lot of times, one day, one hour five minutes ago. You will not feel what you're feeling with the same intensity. And when you can acknowledge that you can pause for a moment and allow it to pass and realize that when you pause for a moment, that next moment you won't feel that anger with the same intensity.

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I know

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First thing to accept is that the anger you feel is often rooted in love for your child.

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And so, that might sound. That might sound a little bit strange, right. But

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as parents, we usually love our children more than we love ourselves. I remember my father always told me that no one wants better for you than for themselves except your parents. Right? Like, there's nobody, there's nobody in your life who wants better for you than your parents do? Right? And so that's the same with you and your children. And it's one of the reasons why it's so easy to become angry, is because we have high hopes for our kids, we want the best for them. And when they're not meeting our expectations, we get frustrated, we get disappointed, we question our parenting skills. And so they bring up all of these difficult emotions for us as parents. But a lot

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of times that anger is actually rooted in love for our children, because we're afraid for them, we want what's best for them, and they're not listening to what's best for them, right? All of these things, there's, there's a love for our children in that SubhanAllah. And when you can accept that and acknowledge that, then suddenly, you can think about it a little bit differently to think, okay, but is my anger expressing the love that I feel? Is there a different way that I can express this love it that's going to make them feel more left, right, you can kind of you can kind of question it a little bit more.

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The next thing to accept is that our brains are malleable, that they change. That's the way LS pantalla created us. And so that change is possible. So even if you've, you've become stuck in this pattern of anger, with your child, realize that it's it's changeable, our brains are changeable, our lives are changeable. And so acknowledging and accepting that is a really important step.

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And then finally, to accept that ALLAH SubhanA data has chosen you to have this child has chosen you, as the mother of this child, he is telling you that you are the most capable person for this job, that you are strong enough to deal with the ups and downs, because he never burdens us with more than we can handle. Even when it feels like it's too much to handle.

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To accept that you might not be the perfect mom, but you're the mom who's most worthy to care for and raise your child. Because Allah spent data and hacking in his infinite wisdom, decreed that you were the perfect mom for this child. And he's not going to leave you without the skills that you need to handle this journey. And you're all here right now. Because you're reaching out to take some of these skills. Right? So that acceptance piece is really, really important to get yourself, your heart and your soul and your mind in the right space. And I see a lot of you sharing that you're that you're crying as you're hearing this, because you probably have not thought about it in this

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way. You've probably only thought about the the ways that you're failing your children, because you feel like you can't handle yourself emotionally. But this side of you is not coming out with anybody else, right? It's only coming out with the people you love the most. So it only makes sense that it's coming from a place of love. We just need to figure out ways to handle it and express it in ways that we're going to feel better about Java. Right? So those are the first two steps, right intention and acceptance.

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Step three, is creating awareness and understanding. We cannot change the state that we're in, unless we're aware of why it's a challenge and what is happening for us. And so this is a very important

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step for us to you know, to keep in mind. And so, the first step is to understand to find the root of the emotion.

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It was only when I had my own children, you know, that I realized how intense motherhood could be. And I was so amazed at how much these little kids could bring up. And I realized that children have a really amazing way of teaching us about ourselves. And I wondered, you know, is this one of the wisdoms of a lesson that, uh, giving us parenthood is for us to grow, for us to learn more about ourselves, for us to heal the parts of ourselves that we haven't healed? And that's what often comes up with our kids is they bring up wounds that we haven't healed ourselves, and so we have to work on them and heal them in order to be able to be present for our kids in the way that we want to. Right.

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So, with anger, it's really important to understand

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And what anger is,

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anger is a secondary emotion, not a primary emotion. And so what do I mean by this? If you picture an iceberg, an iceberg, you know, you see the pointy part on top of the water, right. But underneath the water is actually the mass of the iceberg like the big heavy duty, like about 90% of the the iceberg is underneath the water, and only about 10% is on top. So that 10% is anger. It's what you see on the surface, it's what shows up, when you're in a power struggle with your child, they don't want to go to bed or they they, you know, say that the food that you cooked is yucky, and they don't want to eat it, or whatever it is that you know, that happens. They're not doing their homework, and

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they're giving you a really rough time or they're having a tantrum, what comes up for you is you have the iceberg. You see the top of the iceberg, which is the angry reaction that you have. But what we don't realize is that underneath our anger, our deeper emotions that trigger the rage, feelings that we might be uncomfortable showing. So underneath the iceberg, are all of those wounds that we were talking about all of those feelings that you're struggling with.

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When your child, you know, says that you're the food that you cooked was yucky, and they don't want to eat it. What comes up for you you feel unappreciated, right? Do you feel inadequate? Right? If if your child answers you back with a tone that bothers you, you feel disrespected? Do you feel insecure in your ability to handle the situation? So these feelings of insecurity and inadequacy are coming up? Right? Do you feel invisible? Do you feel rejected? Do you feel when your child is tantruming in the middle of a grocery store? Do you feel humiliated? Right, so all of these feelings are underneath the surface. And they're intense feelings. And it's hard to deal with those feelings.

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Anger is much easier to deal with anger makes so much sense to come up. And you feel powerful in that moment, right, where you start to rage. And suddenly your child like, is that attention like they, you know, like, That's it, they they they're in check, their behavior has changed, and all of that, and it sends a signal to your brain that this worked. The next time this happens, what works is anger, what works is yelling and raging at my child, because that's what was effective. And it creates this pattern and the cycle, right? So it's really important to understand what's happening underneath the surface so that you can address it. Because when we're having a sense of self doubt,

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and when we're looking down on ourselves, and we're being very self critical, it can actually really amplify our struggles with our kids. If we're constantly focusing on the negatives within ourselves, then how can we focus on the positives within anyone else.

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So in this step of awareness, we have to be able to identify our triggers.

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So what are triggers? Triggers are

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anything that brings up a strong or uncomfortable emotion, it provides a signal that something needs to be addressed. And triggers vary from person to person, because we all struggle with different things. What bothers me when my child does, it is not going to be the same thing that bothers you when your child does it, right. And so what happens when a person is triggered, some people got get angry, others might feel anxious, numb, like the the response varies, as does the intensity of the response. So you probably have a wide range of triggers, but your response to different triggers are going to be different, right? So we're focusing on the anger triggers, the things that are

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triggering your anger response. Where do these triggers come from? They come from past experiences in childhood traumatic experiences, previous relationships, and that's why everybody's sensitivities are unique and different. Because nobody has the same past. We all have our own baggage, right? And it's all unique.

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So how can we take the steps to identify our triggers?

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Choose to pay attention to any physical, emotional or mental shifts that you notice throughout the day, during particular conversations or with certain people or with certain incidents with your child. Particularly those pay attention to any shifts that you notice, right? Any moment that you notice that okay, your body is overheating, your heart is pounding more, that you suddenly feel like some of that anger coming up. When you feel you're when you notice your thoughts shift toward a really

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negative way like, oh, here we are, it's another horrible day like, how are we going to get through this? Notice the shift, okay?

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These shifts begin in our body. And so if we can pick up on the body signals that manifest before we take action, before we start to yell, before we have an angry reaction, that's very powerful, it takes a while to be able to identify them. But one of the ways that you could do that is you can sit with yourself quietly, you know, when you're not going to be disturbed. And bring up an incident that really makes you angry, like really like this is this is when my anger starts to spike, sit and picture that incident. And notice what happens in your body, do a body scan from your head all the way down to your toes, and notice any physical sensations, any tension, any temperature changes,

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any, any Wiggles, I mean, whatever it is, right? Notice any physical sensations, and those are going to be your sign that like, okay, these are, these are some of the body signals that happen before I yell. And then if you can be aware of them, you'll be able to stop yourself before the yelling, starts. Right. And so understanding that the unrest, even if it's uncomfortable, it's actually a blessing. Because it gives you the ability to recognize that you have an opportunity to decide what happens next. So, when you are thinking about this, right, think back to the different incidents where you have gotten really angry with your child, right? Just think back to the past couple of

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weeks, if you can remember that far, or pay attention in the next week or so, to when when you notice that? And, and ask yourself, Okay, when do I tend to yell or react in anger? What's the theme? Right? Is it when I feel disrespected? Is it when I'm around other people? So I'm worried about what they're thinking about me? Or the way that I parent, my child? Is it when you have a deadline that you're working toward, or you have to be somewhere on time until when you're stressed for time? That's when you get really, you know, like you notice yourself getting getting tight and getting angry? Is it when you haven't gotten enough sleep? When you haven't had a chance to eat?

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When the kids are asking 1000 questions, and it's not even 9am? Right?

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When you start to think to yourself, you can't handle things because the kids keep fighting with each other or just not listening, right? So asking yourself these questions to identify the moments when you tend to struggle, right. And so

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that is an n when you're, you're considering this, right? When you're thinking about the different situations that lead to an angry reaction. Think about why it led to such a strong reaction. Think about em search for the anger iceberg, right? It just Google it and you're gonna find different diagrams, and look through the different emotions that are underneath the surface. And see which ones resonate with you as you think about the different struggles that you've gone through with your kids over the past couple of weeks. Think about how did I feel in that situation? That was it? Because I was feeling ignored? Was it because I was feeling ashamed? Was it because I was feeling

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incapable? What was it because I was feeling disrespected? What was it, and everything. And a lot of times these triggers are rooted in these past experiences and trauma. So it can be hard to identify why? And it's okay, if it doesn't make sense, because they're rooted in the past. It might not make sense for you right now. Because it's a past event that's activating that. So it's okay, if it doesn't make sense. And just, if you are, even if you can't identify a trigger right away, even if you can't identify what emotion was under the surface, if you can't identify the why, and everything, it's okay, these feelings are complicated. And it's not a failure, if it requires

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multiple times to be able to identify and spot the trigger. And to create that awareness. Your goal is not to like leave here and think, Okay, now I understand here are all my triggers. And here are why I have these triggers. And here's like the past experiences that lead to these triggers. That's not your that's not your goal right now.

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Your goal is to start building awareness. Your goal is to set an intention that I'm going to pay attention a little bit more. And little by little, you're going to put the pieces of the puzzle together. And you're also going to learn more and more about your triggers of yourself and your own healing. As your kids go through different stages, different triggers come up, right so it's an ongoing, ongoing growth cycle. So don't feel don't feel discouraged if it's not all clicking into place right away because it's not supposed to. Right

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All right. So now, step four, is how now that we have made our intention accepted, accepted certain facts that we need to accept, and then talked about some of the steps to start building awareness, so that we can understand what needs to change. Step four, is how do we break the cycle. And this is where we're going to be talking about a lot of the practical, the practical techniques to be able to break that cycle that has become a pattern where we get angry with our kids, and we feel guilty about it and all of these different things, right. So that's our goal, we're going to be talking about the practical pieces.

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So one of the things also, once you've identified some of your triggers, I would really encourage you to write out some of the different things that you notice. So you might write out like, okay, here was the situation. And here's how I reacted. And here's why I think I reacted that way. Right. And if you'd like to write out, here's how I would like to try to react next time, and don't, don't write, I would like to be patient, right? Like, it has to be something actually concrete that you can, you can achieve, you know, so, but if you can start to create a journal with you know, to, to build an understanding of the patterns, it's going to be very, very helpful, it's going to be very

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helpful, it's much better than just trying to keep it in your, in your head. So once you've identified your triggers those moments, when you tend to explode with anger, you tend to yell, then you're better able to handle those moments, right. And so before these trigger points hit, mentally prepare yourself, right. So if you know, homework time, or dinner time is a battle or the transition from when they're watching something, or playing video games, to having to shut off the video games and everything. If you know that there are certain moments that are a battle. Right, then one of the techniques that I have found personally helpful is to make that with some deep breathing beforehand.

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Because it provides a physical shift, and a spiritual shift. So I remember when my kids were were much younger, when I used to go and pick them up from school on the way to school in the car. That's what I would do, I do some deep breathing, and I would make dot for Aleste pantalla, to put Baraka in the evening in the afternoon to make it easy for me to handle the any anger that comes up to help me increase my patience. And then I would have kind of a mental plan of like, okay, how am I going to deal with this situation when it comes up or this situation when it comes up.

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And it really helped, it really helped Never underestimate the power of diet. Never underestimate the power of diet.

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None number one, because Allah subhanaw taala is capable of everything. And he accepts our diet in different forms and everything. And number two, because when you're doing that, you are setting an intention, and you are setting the stage for who you want to be. So don't underestimate it. It's incredibly powerful.

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And the reason I used to do that is because my kids had the and some of your kids might have this to where they're like doing well in school, they're like they're put, you know, they're, they keep it together, and then they come home and it's just like meltdown, can't handle it anymore. It looks just like melt down. And it's it's difficult for parents to deal with that. You know. So again, when you know the different points that are going to be difficult, then try to make diet beforehand.

00:33:51 --> 00:34:37

When you also know, okay, this is my trigger. So we talked about triggers and identify why that's a trigger, right? Like, what's the emotion that comes up? You know, so we said, you know, feeling unappreciated, feeling disrespected, feeling ignored, feeling overstimulated, right, because of too much noise, all these different things, right? Based on the emotion that you're struggling with, figure out what you need, what is the underlying need? What would help you to address this emotion and feel better? What do you mean like find a way to get this need addressed? So by figuring out, is there a way that I can fulfill this need myself is there? Is there somebody I need to reach out to

00:34:38 --> 00:34:52

in order to help with this? Right? Like if I need to feel appreciated? Is that something that I can work on for myself where I remind myself that Allah Subhana Allah is assured and he's appreciating everything I do, even if it's not being seen by the people around me.

00:34:53 --> 00:35:00

If you're feeling really overstimulated, because of all the noise around you, is there a way to go and get even if you need

00:35:00 --> 00:35:46

To turn on the TV for your child to watch a show for a few minutes, so that you can have some peace and quiet in your room. You know, giving yourself what you need is giving something to your kids to, you know, a lot of times we hold ourselves to certain really, really stringent standards and, and protocol and things like that, because we think that's what an ideal mother should do. But is it helping or harming? Right? So asking yourself, How can I fulfill this need in a way that's within my control? Sometimes you won't be able to? Right? Not at that exact moment. But but if you can, then definitely trying to trying to do that, even if, even if it's not in line with the expectation that

00:35:46 --> 00:35:52

you have of what a typical good mom does, right? It's really important to, to realize that.

00:35:53 --> 00:36:10

The other thing that is really important in breaking a cycle, when it comes to this, this anger cycle that we tend to fall into, is to figure out what meaning Am I attaching to the situation?

00:36:11 --> 00:36:21

Because what happens is my child refuse to eat the dinner I made, even though I'm exhausted, and I worked hard on it. No one appreciates me. That's the meaning that's attached to the situation.

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My child doesn't listen, why can other people get their kids to obey and listen, and I can't, I'm failing. As a mother. That's the meaning my child talks back to me, very disrespectful. That's the meaning that's attached to it. Right? So be aware of what you're saying to yourself. These thought processes, this tells you what meaning you're attaching to the situation. And that is likely the reason why you're getting angry. Right? It's not always the situation itself, it is much more often the meaning that we are attaching to the situation, how we're interpreting the situation. So separating the meaning that you've attached to it, and considering a different meaning is going to

00:37:06 --> 00:37:48

be really helpful. Right? So reminding yourself, and this is something I tell my kids all the time if they're having like any type of negative or anxious thought and things like that is just because you think something doesn't make it true. Just because you think it does not make it true. Right. So instead of thinking to yourself, oh, you know, my child refused to eat dinner. And so, you know, like, no one, no one appreciates me. Nobody likes my cooking and everything. Instead, just the fact is that my child didn't want to eat dinner, they might not be hungry, they might be coming down with a stomach bug, they might struggle with eating like this is a this is the routine, right? Where they

00:37:48 --> 00:38:10

always have a they always have trouble eating. That's, that's their thing. It doesn't mean anything about you. It doesn't mean anything about your cooking, it doesn't mean anything about you as a mother, it's just the fact that your child does not want to eat dinner, right? It's frustrating. But it's less frustrating. If you don't attach that meaning to it.

00:38:11 --> 00:38:12

Right? Your child

00:38:13 --> 00:38:51

is, you know, you're like you put you put out an outfit for your child to wear and they don't want to wear it. And so they, you know, they talk back to you. And they're, you know, in your mind, you're like they're really being disrespectful that backtalk is something I would never have done to my parents. I don't know, like they're, you know, they're disrespecting me, right. And so it could be instead, reinterpreting the meaning behind that to be okay, well, my child is trying to gain control of the situation, they're trying to be more independent, they want more choice in their life, it doesn't mean that they're, they're not viewing you as somebody worthy of respect. Right? So

00:38:51 --> 00:39:08

being careful to, you know, to think about what meaning are you attaching to the situation? And can you just look at it objectively as cure the fact that my child does not want to wear the outfit that I put out for them?

00:39:09 --> 00:39:20

Period, not like, oh, and they're disobeyed, they're, they're disobedient. They're this and that and all that. It just results in a in a really difficult spiral.

00:39:22 --> 00:39:59

Another thing that's really powerful, and I mentioned it briefly before, is to create a pause. And this is I think this is actually one of the hardest ones to do. Because sometimes it feels like there's no space, you know, to be able to create a pause, like the reaction comes so quickly, right? And so, if, at first it's going to be really difficult to do that, but the more it's practiced, the more your brain will register that as a skill and as a path to take. Right that Okay, before I used to immediately react in anger, but now I'm creating a pause and that's a new that's a new thing that I'm doing

00:40:00 --> 00:40:19

Right. So creating a pause in between the feeling and the action is the space where you can regain control of your body and your thoughts and decide on what you're going to do in that moment. And what's really powerful about this is it takes 90 seconds, for an emotion to fully to fully

00:40:20 --> 00:40:39

leave your system. And so if you can give yourself 90 seconds, truthfully, even 10 seconds makes a huge difference. But a full 90 seconds is really transformative, then it it allows that that really difficult and intense emotion to go through your system. So that pause is very powerful emotionally.

00:40:41 --> 00:40:43

Another thing and this is why I'm

00:40:44 --> 00:41:29

I'm so happy that we're talking about this topic and to see so many moms here, mashallah is because one of the techniques that's most helpful I found to deal with this, this anger is to talk to other moms about it. It really is it I think that having a friend that you trust, or a group of friend that you trust, where you can text them and be like, I just had one of those days like I you know, there was a lot of yelling in the house, I feel so badly. This is what was happening and you talk it out with that person. It is really, really helpful. And the problem Hamas has said them said that the believers are like bricks of a building each part of strengthening the other. Our Deen leaves

00:41:29 --> 00:42:13

space for us to be social human beings. Allah cantata created us with being social and with wanting a sense of acceptance and belonging. Right. And because it leads to a sense of validation, I'm not alone. It was when I started talking to my friends about like the struggle that it made all the difference, because then you don't feel alone in it anymore. Right? It's then then suddenly. So what happens when you feel alone, and the struggle that you feel with your child? Is it brings about a really intense feeling of shame, and the antidote to shame, right? And so well, shame. What does it end up leading to is the harder that we are on ourselves, the harder we tend to be on others. And

00:42:13 --> 00:42:52

that leads to more anger toward our children, because we're more angry toward ourselves. But when you receive empathy, then you're able to give empathy, right? This is the difference between thinking, why can't my child just listen? Why do they have to push my buttons, versus imagine what it must be like to be a little kid, you know, with somebody dictating what you can and can't do when you can and cannot eat and sleep, when you know that sitting eight hours a day at school, and you know, no wonder they're pushing back, right? That's empathy. You can only give empathy, if you're in that mental space, and you've received empathy, right? And so you can't do this, if you're

00:42:52 --> 00:42:55

constantly telling yourself that you're not good enough, and there's something wrong with you.

00:42:57 --> 00:43:43

And so, shame, that feeling of shame. It grows in silence, it grows in self judgment. And so the way the antidote to that is empathy. And you can you get that through other people and sharing your story with other people, and being able to share your feelings and your struggles with other people. Right? So asking yourself, Who are the people in your life, who can offer you the gift of the gift of empathy, the people that you can text and vent to, you know, talk about the struggle that you had with your child, and they're going to offer a listening ear. So I saw some questions coming up about like, you know, is this backbiting, right? Is this is this something where, you know, we should just

00:43:43 --> 00:44:00

keep this to ourselves and things like that? Again, intention. The Prophet homicide seldom said that the deal is nasty. Hmm. Good advice. Our faith is good advice. Right? How can we get the benefit of good advice? If we don't reach out and share the struggle?

00:44:01 --> 00:44:17

We can't, right? We can't. And one of the six rights of a Muslim upon another is that when they asked for advice, when they asked for their counsel, then you give it to them, it shows the importance of a supportive social network during difficult moments.

00:44:18 --> 00:44:57

You know, that's not to say that, you know, you should be texting your friends, like, my, my kid is such a brat. And like, I can't stand them and things like that. No, it's more along the lines of like, you know, I really had a hard time when my kids said this to me today, or homework was a nightmare. And I just don't know how I'm going to handle it again tomorrow, right? And so, one of the most difficult moments for a mother is when she doesn't feel like she's her best self with her child. And so it's important to be able to talk about that with somebody else, get their insight, get their input, right. And one of the worries people have is well, what are they going to think of

00:44:57 --> 00:45:00

me? If I tell them that I got

00:45:00 --> 00:45:43

My kid and I'm struggling with this or this is hard everything. What are they going to think of me? So number one is be careful who you reach out to. Right? Be careful. Not everybody is worthy of sharing that part of yourself. Not like you have, you should be cautious about that. But when you have a good friend, and I think the vast majority of people would be understanding, and I would encourage you to reach out to fellow moms, because your friends who are not, you know, like the especially like, if you're either reaching out to me, some teenagers might be actually really insightful, because there have been there at a closer time and everything. But, you know, but reach

00:45:43 --> 00:45:45

out to your fellow moms.

00:45:46 --> 00:46:06

Because I think that or somebody who is just wise, unkind, right? And so in realize that there's a hadith of prompts, SLM, that said, that a Muslim is a brother of another Muslim. And one of the characteristics that he says about that is he does not look down upon him, nor does he humiliate him.

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So realize that if you found a good friend, right, like it is their responsibility to not look down on you, when you're sharing a struggle, and even more, you're giving them permission to share their struggle, as well. And that's very powerful. Because what I have found is when I open up to a mom, friend, then she comes back with, oh, yeah, it was a really hard evening for us to, you know, like, we had a really rough time after school, and this is what happens, and so you don't feel alone anymore. Right. And again, your intention and opening up to someone is to manage this difficulty and to get support. And that's a really positive step toward change, and trauma. So that's very, that's

00:46:50 --> 00:46:52

very powerful, as well.

00:46:54 --> 00:47:38

You know, when I saw somebody say, you know, talk to a mom with kids in the same age group, I would say yes, and then also sometimes for like, a for a comp for a routine thing. Yes. But sometimes, it's also nice to talk to somebody who has kids who have outgrown that stage. Because I have, like, I know, for me personally, when my kids were really young, that was that would there were a lot of difficulties with regards to that now that they're a little bit older. And communication is smoother. It has it has gotten, it has gotten better. So sometimes it's nice to talk to somebody who's been through that stage, and can tell you it doesn't last forever. Right? And yeah, it was

00:47:38 --> 00:47:46

really, really hard when it when I was in it. And I remember those days, and how difficult it was things like that. So you know that so it's good to have a balance there.

00:47:47 --> 00:48:30

All right. And so the other, the other aspect, you know, we're talking about breaking the cycle is self care. Anger is often a signal that you're getting too much, or too little of something, right, so you might be getting too little sleep, you might be getting too much overstimulation, too much noise, too little appreciation, Your mental load might be too much too heavy, right? So self care is not about like, okay, you know, like chocolate and bubble baths and things like that. self care is about creating a life that you don't need to run away from. It involves setting the stage for the life that you want to leave yourself. It's not about escaping from, from, from the life that you're

00:48:30 --> 00:49:13

leaving, because you dread things and everything, it's about the daily choices that you make, that are going to make your life better and happier, and that are going to bring about physical and spiritual and interpersonal health. Right. So it's about prioritizing the things that are going to lead you to a life that you can look forward to, on most days, on most days. Right. And so, so thinking about what are the things that I need more of? What are the things that I you know, that that I'm, you know, that that I'm lacking? Right, what are the things that I'm sacrificing, that I maybe shouldn't be sacrificing? You know, so if, you know, for example, you are, you know, like a

00:49:13 --> 00:49:56

clutter is really is really difficult for you. And that's what kind of leads to, to the angry outbursts. When you see like a huge mess around you, then it's a good thing to prioritize purging a lot of what's in your home, so that that is not going to be an anger trigger anymore. Right? If, you know so any any of these types of things when you're trying to identify, you know, like, if you're really stressed about like, Oh, what am I going to make for my family to eat today? Then meal prepping is probably going to be a form of self care, right? Because so that's self care is not just about like, you know, the treats. It's about making your life easier, so it doesn't feel as

00:49:56 --> 00:49:59

overwhelming. Right if for you, you know you

00:50:00 --> 00:50:40

know that like, okay, my connection with Allah is packed data when I don't have time to connect with Allah, that's when I noticed that I'm not at my best, right so making sure that you have that chance that opportunity to to connect with ALLAH SubhanA data in certain ways, right and the Prophet, Allah is trying to tell us a prophet Muhammad SAS Allah in the Quran. When he was feeling distress, he says, We know that your heart is distressed at what they say. But celebrate the praises of your Lord and be of those who prostrate themselves in adoration. So when the prophets SLM is feeling distressed, unless pancetta is prescribing action, to alleviate that distress, and so action, what

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action do I need to take to make my life more manageable, right. And so you know, thinking about all of the little things that are taking away from it, and being able to manage that Chama. And so along with that, I wanted to before we conclude to have Razia come back on Angelica, she wanted to discuss the movement, parenting force. So I think it's a good point here, because you know, one of the things in terms of taking action and having a form of self care is to be able to have all those parts that are at the center of our conversation, and building up our skills and being able to, to figure out what we need in order to feel like the most effective parents that you know that that we

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can be a trauma. And I think this course does a really beautiful job with that, which is that glow hair, Sarah and I love that point of taking action. I was also reading through the messages, Michelle comments as you're speaking, and so many sharing that and Hamdulillah. They feel so empowered, by just knowing there's like this conversations happening. There's others who struggle with this. And I think one of the big points that we're very aware of, and when we created this program, as well as the isolation that many mothers feel in this journey, and unfortunately, you know, she'd gotten uses and comes out as in our most vulnerable moments. And sometimes that anger

00:52:04 --> 00:52:42

and the frustration that's built up and you know, all of those beautiful points that Soros talking about, really, you know, going underneath that iceberg, that's where shaytaan comes hardest. And so handler, this program movement is really the art of raising Muslims, right, keeping focus on Hamdulillah, approaching our parenting journey from the lens of keeping a lot of fun center from the framework of our dean. And so hello, these are amazing instructors that we have at McMaster who were part of creating this valuable content. So I'm gonna take you through Inshallah, just a quick overview, the link is there. So this is a program that Hamdulillah we did last year, hundreds of

00:52:42 --> 00:53:16

parents came through, and it's really Islam lead parenting without taking you out of the equation. This is really parent focused, you know, attending to your needs. And so what are you getting in this program, we have some core modules. You guys heard from shaking here yesterday, and really prophetic parenting. There's so much hikma and wisdom and how the prophets I send them approached parenting, his emotional intelligence, there's just so many components and so shaky again speaks about that. In his module, we have started to say who you guys heard from this week, how to find common serenity through emotional intelligence, really a beautiful topic, again, through the Islamic

00:53:16 --> 00:53:49

framework. And then module three, we have Dr. Smart Energy, and he speaks to how to build character, instill prophetic values and strengthen Islamic identity. This is a really valuable module. A lot of you who are here on Monday, you're saying, you know, when it comes to teens, I kind of feel lost, I don't know how to help my teens, Islamic identity and the way he approaches especially with value based parenting, very powerful knowledge. Again, I feel like you know, this courses will give you the tools to go deeper, that a lot of just the fluff, we kind of sometimes hear on the top when it comes to parenting topics. This is really, you know, planting and rooting yourself Inshallah, in

00:53:49 --> 00:54:22

ways and approaches that go deeper than we have sister Sarah, and Marshall. Her module is about how to connect, communicate and win with your child's heart. And so you guys have been benefiting from her today. And how do you see what she's about, she doesn't just come from a place of where she's teaching the theory in, she's living the experience. And so I'm having like, like, that really informs her work as well. So really powerful module on, you know, breaking down with that communication, really how to build meaningful connection with your children as well. We have sister Minako, and she speaks to how to help your children navigate the digital world. Many of you

00:54:22 --> 00:54:56

expressed this week, you know, your real value in your relationship with their cell phones. And, you know, it really does start with us but how to help and give you the tools when it comes to your children. What are the parameters that you should be aware of and system and I hope beautifully addresses that. And then, you know, Sheikh Mohammed, Allah have mercy on him had done the module on how to drive your child Islamic education. This is something he is very passionate about, and you know, close to his heart. And so this is a module that you'll get access to a handler and benefit from and we have another new one that we've added this year is understanding prenatal mental health

00:54:56 --> 00:55:00

and how to ask for help, right? A lot of people unfortunately again, feel

00:55:00 --> 00:55:32

taboo feeling, you know, second guess themselves, there's something really wrong with it, you know, I just need to push through. And so getting some light on this issues can be really powerful this new module and handle that we've added. But it doesn't stop there. Right. And so I'm gonna go through some of the amazing bonuses, but really what this program is it's self paced, because we are mindful of the moms and the time that you have and so on handling get to go through this program, you get lifetime access, and you can go through it at your pace, Inshallah, and, you know, set a goal for yourself, but really, it's about not guilting yourself, do I sign up for this program,

00:55:32 --> 00:56:04

here's the live sessions, I'm not on it and handle you get to go through it, there's mp3 files, so you can go through that as well. And so we have a special offer those of you that are all here with us and haven't had a we have a bonus module. So tomorrow we're going to hear from Dr. Leonard Sachs and he's gonna do a bonus module for all of the students in Momina boys adrift and girls on the edge and this is based on one of his top selling books, really, you know, understanding your child better when it comes to their gender the challenges that boys are having, and obviously the many of the social challenges that girls face as well. So when you join the next 48 hours, inshallah you get

00:56:04 --> 00:56:38

this bonus module, it's going to be live so you'll get to have like a q&a component as well. Inshallah and sister Sara's gonna be doing a bonus as well that you'll get to hear about so really encourage you on the link is there inshallah in the chat, but we have many other additional bonuses. So let me go through that. Michelle, we've got and this is something you'll get access to in the program. But Sheikh Ibrahim in the lessons from Luke, manis Anam and his sons, so many beautiful lessons from SuDoc man, and you know, really appropriate for that parenting context. We had Sister Helen matar how to raise children would be in Indonesia. She's a wealth out speaker and community

00:56:38 --> 00:57:14

leader out in California and Michelle, she has spoken on the topic of parenting, a lot of hamdullah, we have a bonus basis through your strategy you guys heard from on Monday, how to rediscover your identity beyond motherhood, right and hand them out. We recognize that pain that sometimes when you just engrossed in motherhood, and you don't honor or you tune into the needs that are present, and what can happen. So she really speaks to that very well. On that up. We have Dr. Ahmed Emma, who is a psychologist out in Malaysia, Russia, and she put together a module ebook as well how to recognize your triggers and heal your inner child. And I think with the topic of anger, there's definitely

00:57:14 --> 00:57:47

inner child work that's needed. So that's a beautiful module. And then we have a bonus ebook by sister SBAC habits of a happy Muslim mother and you guys probably follow her she does lots of great funny comments really speaking to the reality of moms and self harm that she's been able to take her wisdom and experience and content and put that together in this ebook, so you'll get that as part of this module. So when you go online and you can go to that link we're gonna stay on sister Sarah is not done with live q&a And she's got inshallah some closing points that are really important as well. So you, you know, you'll stay on, I'll answer questions as well, inshallah. But this is your

00:57:47 --> 00:58:19

opportunity, you guys. Give yourself the tools, give yourself and handle the knowledge and framework within our deen to empower yourself. And that's what I invite you to Inshallah, and this is a program, like I said, that hundreds of parents who came through this came together based on the research we did, and conversations we had with women just as yourself and really tuning into what the needs were. So I invite you to join us and take advantage of this special offer that you will get this bonus with Dr. Leonard Sachs and shallow when you join in the next 48 hours. And I'll be around to answer your questions. I'll hand it back to you. So does that go ahead?

00:58:20 --> 00:58:29

Does that go off eras? Yeah. Appreciate that. Michelle. It's a wonderful program, I hope Inshallah, we will take advantage of it. It was wonderful to be part of it. And

00:58:31 --> 00:59:16

so I wanted to conclude with just a few practical techniques to work on anger. And most of these come from the Sunnah. So no approaches, right? Because Islam is a preventative religion. And it's also very practical, until the prophets of salaam gave us a lot of practical techniques to be able to alleviate anger. And so one is that he encouraged us that he said, I know a word, the saying of which will cause when he saw somebody being angry, he said, I know a word the saying of which would cause him to relax, if he does say it. And it is if he says, I was relaxing him in a shape on the regime, I seek refuge with a law firm shaitan, then his anger will go away. This is really powerful.

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Because what it does is it naturally creates a pause. And I think it's so powerful to link an act of worship, to those moments of anger. So that shaitan doesn't continue to mess with us as much shaitan has a way of getting to us. But if we make the commitment that okay, every time I noticed myself starting to become angry, I'm going to say, Allah relationship energy more, I'm gonna say La ilaha illa. Or I'm gonna say hello when Ahmed wiki or I'm gonna make a dot shaitan is not going to be as encouraged to mess with us anymore because we're actually been getting hung up on it. And we're getting good deeds in in in that moment, rather than him being able to work on us, right. So it's

00:59:59 --> 01:00:00


01:00:00 --> 01:00:39

that that can be really powerful. He also encouraged us to change our posture. He said, when one of you becomes angry while standing, he should sit if the anger leaves him good, if not lie down, right. And that's very powerful to from like a physical somatic perspective, changing your posture changes the way you interact with your environment and the way that you interact with people. So that's very, very powerful. Making will do the problem homicides, LM said, when any one of you gets angry perform will do it because anger arises from fire, right. So like fire in your in your, in your body in your blood, and will can help to quench it. And that's actually another therapeutic

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physical approach, to deal with overwhelming emotions is to have some like cold water if you've ever seen, like, some people I've seen on Instagram and things like that, where they they put their face in a in a bowl of ice water, because it helps to manage really uncomfortable emotions. This is, you know, we'll do is is basically the same

01:01:03 --> 01:01:48

idea behind that. Right. So it's very helpful. Another thing is the promise, I said, I'm encouraged us and when you get angry, keep silent. And one of the things that I have tried to do, and I found helpful is to realize that, as parents, whenever we see our kid doing something that we don't like, or something that, you know, seems, seem, you know, seems like, like something that they shouldn't be doing, we have the natural instinct to immediately address it and correct it. It's important to know, when the issue at hand is nothing major, let it slide, remain silent, right? Avoid that power struggle, avoid the argument, right, avoid the criticism, and just let it slide. If it's not, if

01:01:48 --> 01:01:59

it's not a big deal, right, then just, you know, kind of kind of let it go. It's not, it's not everything needs to be engaged in. And so that's something that's helpful to be able to remain silent.

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And then also mindfulness, if no clam kind of high Mala, he talked to us about how our attention has to be directed to your life in the present, he said the time in between two times. If you waste it, then you've wasted an opportunity to be of the fortunate and Save once. And if you look after it, then you will be successful and achieve rest delight and everlasting bliss. This is mindfulness. If you've heard this term, focusing in on the present moment. And there are a lot of different ways that you can do that, psychologically, it can be something as simple as looking around for five things that you can see, paying attention to the things that you can hear around you, you know,

01:02:38 --> 01:02:51

taking a moment and looking out your window and seeing the leaves swinging in the breeze and just taking 10 seconds to pay attention to that. Those are all acts of mindfulness. And they can create a mental shift when you're feeling overwhelmed.

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There's also a technique, which I love, because it's so grounded in Islam, where the prophet Muhammad has said them says that your Lord is kind and most generous, and he has to kind to let his slave if he raises his hands to him, bring them back empty. There's actually a therapeutic technique called wheeling hands. This technique is basically you just when you're feeling overwhelmed, you're feeling angry, you open your hands up like this. And you will immediately notice that some of the anger starts to dissipate and become more manageable. Because what do we tend to do when we get angry physically, we clench we, we tense ourselves. And so when we open our hands up like this, we

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release and we submit, and we, this sends our brain a signal that we're safe, nobody in a moment of lack of safety, right, if you're in an unsafe situation, nobody's gonna is you know, like, this is not your automatic body reaction, your automatic body reaction is to is to fight or to freeze or to run, right, which all like, like resulted tense, tensing your body up. So when you open yourself up like this, and try it, try it as I'm talking about it. And notice how your body feels, you know, you can put your hands on your lap, or you can have it in the diet position like this, right? And notice how your body feels a little bit more relaxed as you do that. And so even if you can just do this,

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and then if you can add there, right, then it's a very powerful technique and will really help. Right. And so, I just wanted to end with some of those techniques and chama and, and just to reiterate that, you know, I think that all of you out there mashallah have taken the time out of your busy days, to come and to learn and to be here, and it's just a testament to how much you love and care for your children. And I ask Allah Subhana Allah to reward you tremendously for that. And to realize that, you know, being a parent is one of the most beautiful but most difficult blessings

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stowed upon us by Allah's path data and, and that we're all sometimes plagued by self doubt when it comes to raising them. But especially when the things that happen cause us to react to toward them in a way that we don't like, right and so reminding ourselves that Allah's path that I chose us to be, you know, chose you to be the mother of your children, and that there's no rule that's more rewarding for you right now than this one, because ALLAH SubhanA decreed it for you and for only you, and you're a gift to them, and they are a gift to you. And so viewing your daily struggles as an opportunity to reconnect with all those paths that are an opportunity to reconnect with your

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kids. And imagine your scale of good deeds overflowing with all of that as you care for your family. And to realize that, especially when it's hard is when you have just an amazing opportunity for reward. And I ask ALLAH SubhanA, Allah to bless all of you, to bless your children and your families, and to bless you with a strong and beautiful and comforting and safe and secure relationship with your children. And to multiply your rewards tremendously. just modify them.

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I mean, does that go pear? Sad, I really appreciate that. And I feel like Michelle, you did such a justice the topic because again, I feel like we can speak about the topic of anger very superficially, and really, from a secular standpoint, and having the lead so much more wholesome, when we understand you know, the very valuable tools that lust has given us. And we look at it, you know, again, anger to an emotion that loss has given I love how you addressed that, that it's not, it's not a sin to feel anger, it's really that response on the loss. So so many gems, we have someone mashallah, in our amazing Facebook group is putting together all the notes from the

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sessions, I can't see how she compiled the results, share that, but I wanted to take an opportunity and get some questions answered. Some of you guys did ask about the course. And you said, you know, many of you asking, is it pre recorded? Yes. So there are pre recorded modules. And that way, it allows you to go through it at your pace, we have two live bonuses that will do, Inshallah, but aside from that it is pre recorded, the bonuses are pre recorded, that are in there as well, we do have payment plans. So you'll see that at the checkout, so encourage you to go through that as well, inshallah. So let me pick out some of the questions, and I'll try to pick ones that are more, a

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little bit more general, so everyone can benefit.

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Lot of people asking about recordings, Inshallah, the recording of this session will be emailed out to you, and you will have, I think, usually it's like 48 hours on access, that we are going to be more inclined to watch it as well. So someone is asking how the system is my three year old, you know, I have moments where they don't listen, until I show anger. And I want to know, is this, you know, have I created this pattern? And how do I break out of this space? The beautiful question, Mashallah. You know, and so like I was saying, what tends to be effective is what your brain registers as something that's going to go on repeat, right. And so, you know, that first moment

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where, you know, your child's not listening, and you responded in, in anger, and then they started to listen, it naturally started to create a very effective pattern, right, but then not not so effective, because then we feel badly. And we know, this is not the way that we, we want to be navigating these situations with our kids. So it'll take a little while for the pattern to break and to establish something else that can be beneficial, right. So one of the things that I started, I remember when my kids were around that age, is I had a conversation with them, and I told them, Look, I really don't like yelling, it doesn't feel good for me, it doesn't feel good for you, I feel

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badly about it, I know makes you feel bad, too. So let's try something new. Until what I you know, what I would, you know, do is you know, I would tell them, Okay, look, we're gonna you know, we're going to try it in a different way. So I'm going to try and say it, you know, calmly, three different, you know, three different times, then one thing that would is really effective too is you go up to your child and you get down on your knee to their level, and hold on to them make eye contact and say, you know, I really need you to go and put your shoes on right now. Right? Because a lot of times they are children. Children are mindfulness masters. They live in the present moment to

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an extreme extent. And so a lot of times when they're doing something they they don't like they don't know how to stop themselves because they're so focused. And so we have to break their attention for that moment and yelling does that. But other things do that too, right? Where you touch them on the shoulder. Or you start to sing in a singsong voice what you want them to do, or you go up to them and you call them by you know, and you make eye contact, all of these things kept so the question to ask is how you know not how do I get my child to listen to me? How do I get my

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Child to hear me. And I'm okay. How do I, you know, how do I now get their attention in a healthier way? And so those are all maybe a few suggestions that that can help with that. And Shama

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that's really powerful my Shah. And one of the other questions that was, I feel like it's kind of coming up from that is, someone was asking you, I usually respond to anger right away. And I feel like you talked about this as well. I'm very reactive. But when's the best time to address something with your child, so they've done something you're upset, when's the best time to deal with it? So let me first say, if you do end up responding in anger, that happened, and then just make it a point to rewind a little bit and go back to them and say, Look, I am really sorry that I responded that way. It was not okay for me to yell at you. I am upset at what you did, right? I'm upset like this

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situation, you know, when you said this, and this, or when this and this happened, that did make me upset, but it's still not okay to yell at you. And I'm working on it, let them know you're working on it like you're trying. Right?

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And, and then if you are able to, like control the the angry response, and then you're thinking, okay, when do I address this with my child, whenever you're calm, whenever you're calm, and whenever your child is calm, that's the key is you want to both be in,

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in the best mental and emotional state. Because if you are overwhelmed, right, and you're feeling angry, it's not going to come out in the way that's going to be effective. And if your child is, has a heightened emotion at that point, then they are also not going to hear what you're saying they're not going to be able to register it because the part of the brain that is responsible for being able to make good judgment calls understand this kind of thing and things like that, that part of the brain is shut down when they're in a heightened emotional state. So just when both of you're calm, that's such valuable advice Subhanallah and so I'm gonna stop the community there because they know

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today we went over and I really appreciate you guys being patient with us been handled the content was so important that I wanted to let

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you know take as much as we could and and then soak that up from sister Sarah. What I will encourage you guys though, is to definitely process the session by you know, going and doing your live doing reflection posts, those of you that are in the Facebook group, really engage with the content, right? Because that's going to be helpful and just sit with yourself and ask you know, what is something that I want to start applying that I can take away and just being more mindful of where anger is showing up for you. I also did not forget the prizes So alhamdulillah we're giving away six prizes in total. We're gonna do three tomorrow three today, and it is for the moment a program so it

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is a program value that it's valued much higher, we're giving it for 247 USD, and many of you asked Yes, there are payment plans when you go to checkout you'll see that they're in Java. So I want to announce the three winners today who will get it and our team will get in contact with you. So we want to give it to inshallah sister so a machmood Congratulation, so you're gonna be getting the moment of program inshallah sister zeyneb Saini you have been amazing Michelle even showing up the Facebook group and benefiting so many people with the value of sharing your notes and also sister whether a man so congratulations you three gets the parenting program or to get in touch with you

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and join inshallah tomorrow we're going to be having a session with Dr. Leonard Sachs those of you who are who are here on zoom you can join us again tomorrow on zoom as well and inshallah you will get that access. So I really encourage you go to the link you guys it really see what the program is about this is the opportunity to give yourself the tools and you know, the handler the knowledge and it's really comforting because a like I said Alaska is at the center of it and so hamdullah you feel much more empowered in the work you're doing you're not just trying to be a better mom for the sake of being a better mom and handle you have a greater objective, the accurate is the goal. And so this

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will in shall empower you with that. Just that kind of setup for being here. And you know, sharing with us as always, really appreciate it and shall we'll get to see more reviews soon. Just like Latvia for having me and for everybody for your wonderful presence and participation. And then that Sonico Monica SnapT Allah

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