Parenting and the 21st Century (Session 2)

Sajid Ahmed Umar

Channel: Sajid Ahmed Umar

Topics: Parenting

Episode Notes

share this pageShare Page

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


00:00:06--> 00:00:27

Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim hamdulillah salat wa salam ala rasulillah Allah Allah, He will be a woman Wallah Salaam Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu Welcome back, everybody, to this second session, we have this first session short first session, all the sessions are running for 45 minutes, I believe and in that session we

00:00:28--> 00:00:36

spoke about a little bit about why. And any topic should always be discussed with

00:00:38--> 00:00:59

three elements in mind, the what the why and the how. So the what we know its parenting, the why, why do we need to discuss parenting, or be good parents, we discussed a little bit about that in our first session and inshallah, in this session in the next, we want to dive a little bit into the how, and Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said,

00:01:01--> 00:01:08

I will add the kumada bill. He said, aid your children to do well, and add children to

00:01:10--> 00:01:12

to be righteous. Right? So

00:01:14--> 00:01:33

this is a command from Rasulullah salallahu alayhi wasallam, commanding us to assist our children and that's what parenting is it's really about assisting them. Right? And that's why we say parenting as a verb, right? Because it's an action, it's an action. So there has to be assistance.

00:01:35--> 00:01:41

So that they can develop and also, Allah subhanho wa Taala tells us what

00:01:42--> 00:02:10

to do. Let Allah militia that we extracted you from the wombs of your mothers, whilst you knew nothing, right? So we were born in this world, and Allah subhanho wa Taala placed us in this world and extracted us from our mothers without any knowledge, right? But Allah subhanho wa Taala gave us the entities to lead. And also Allah says in his book that he created for us

00:02:11--> 00:02:15

the ability to hear, and to see and gave us hearts, right.

00:02:16--> 00:02:57

And these are the elements of learning. These are the elements of learning, and learning entails development. So Allah extracted as well, as we knew nothing gave us the elements to learn, and placed us with teachers. And those teachers that Allah placed us with, obviously, are our parents. And that's why parents must understand that at first sight that you have with your child, after your child is born. No, it's a very special, unique moment when the two eyes Connect, right? Yeah, especially for a mother you feel this child growing in you and the effects of this child in the first trimester. And, you know, sometimes there's vomiting, sometimes all these different

00:02:58--> 00:02:59

physical

00:03:01--> 00:03:25

elements that we feel as a result of carrying a child and then that child develops. And then you start feeling the child right towards the end of the second trimester. And then into the third trimester, the child is moving and kicking and doing things. And this human feeling and desire to meet this child grows and grows and grows. And this Allah subhanho wa Taala

00:03:27--> 00:03:43

created things right. And then the child finally comes out after much difficulty, and that's why it's called labor. But nonetheless, even you know, irrespective of how difficult the labor is, Pamela, you find that a mother is ready to have another chat. And anyone who,

00:03:44--> 00:04:23

you know, understands the intricacies of giving birth, especially from the males will be thinking so Pamela, after this ordeal, why would you want to go through it again, but somehow analyze how Allah subhanho wa Taala has created the female that he's put in there much mercy. And, you know, even though they've they've gone through all this difficulty, the trauma of it disappears when the eyes of the mother meets the eye of the child after the child is born. It just disappears. it dissipates it. Like you know, it's like we're talking about but early and how bad cancels everything before it? Yeah, when that eyesight happens, it cancels all the labor all the difficulty all the previous nine

00:04:23--> 00:04:30

and a half months, right? I know they say it's nine months but it's nine and a half, really five and a half to 10 months. So

00:04:32--> 00:04:41

what happens when the two when when the two pairs of eyes meet? right the the eyes of the mother and the eyes of the father and the the the eye of

00:04:44--> 00:04:50

sorry, the the eye of the mother and the child and the eye of the father and the child what really happens a conversation takes place.

00:04:51--> 00:04:55

And what does the child say at that moment while the child is saying that my dear mother and father

00:04:57--> 00:05:00

I know nothing. I was no

00:05:00--> 00:05:03

involved in the process of choosing who my parents would be.

00:05:04--> 00:05:23

And Allah subhanho wa Taala has placed me in your trust. And all I'm asking you is to do right by me. That's what the child is saying at that moment. And that's what you should imagine that you had a conversation that day, when your eyes met your child's eyes. That's what your child was crying out.

00:05:25--> 00:05:39

And saying to you saying that look, just do right by me. That's the only thing I can ask you because I had no choice in who my parents would be. Right? Allah has placed me in your care. Allah has placed me in your you. Okay?

00:05:40--> 00:05:45

So, this is the introduction to our second session.

00:05:47--> 00:05:57

As we dive into the heart, and soul of Allah, Allah says, assist your children and aid them in being righteous. So we have a job to do, as parents.

00:05:59--> 00:06:28

The Sharia has cited for us attributes of successful parenting, I'm going to sort of summarize these attributes in this particular session, from the teachings of Rasulullah, sallallahu alayhi wasallam, from the citations of the pious predecessors, as they have understood from their readings of the Quran, and the Sunnah. One of the first things, brothers and sisters that we must say, when we talk about successful parenting is breaking the when I was your age syndrome,

00:06:29--> 00:07:09

right, when I was your age syndrome in parenting, and I'm not saying this to make our young audience happy, right, because I do see many from the young here, but I'm gonna say it because either of your loved one was reported to have said, raise your children in a different way that you were raised in because they were born and raised in a different time and environment that you were raised in. So this is what Addy robiola, Juan says, and I want you to understand how rich Islam is in terms of advice to parenting. This is the fourth Caliph of Islam. Right? This is the cousin of Rasulullah, sallAllahu, Alayhi, wasallam. And this person who grew up in the home of Rasulullah, sallAllahu,

00:07:09--> 00:07:33

alayhi wasallam. So this is not just an ordinary meaning he's not ordinary because obviously, he's from the pious predecessors, but even in terms of him and the pious predecessors, he is from the standard, right in terms of the pious that walked the world before us those giants upon whose shoulders You and I are trying to balance upon right now. He was brought up practically by Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam, because his father

00:07:34--> 00:08:14

had many children and it was not well to do and also de la Sol Allahu Allah, he was selling wanted to reciprocate kindness. And abou Polly brought up Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he was his protector. He was his father figure. And after Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam added Khadija, Ravi, Allahu Allah, and he had the home, we see that Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam takes one child from the home of Abu Talib and says, I will take care of this child to ease the you know, ease the situation on Abu Talib. So, he was raised in the home of Rasulullah, sallAllahu, alayhi wasallam. And, and that's why, you know, he was also the first boy to have accepted Islam. So

00:08:14--> 00:09:00

it's this person who's saying that you know, what, do not raise your or raise your children in a different way than the way you were raised in. And he is citing for us that circumstances change environments change, things change. And let's be honest, you know, things never changed as fast, then as they change now, let's be honest, right? Things are rapidly changing now, honestly, you know, I would tell parents to revise their techniques, so often don't sit on a technique for three to five years. It's too long. It's too long, the playing field is changing. Right? I mean, I was just reading an article the other day, about how the smartphone has changed the playing field, in

00:09:00--> 00:09:15

terms of the century that we are in. Right. And today, parents are raising what we call the millennials. You know, the millennials, the millennials, is a name given to children who are born in the century, in the 21st century, right after the millennia, right after winning

00:09:17--> 00:10:00

1999 20 to 2000 children born in this era are now teens. So Pamela unclose is telling me that I must be old, right? He's handling the audio. And he used to handle the audio and I was in madrasa. I remember the jelsa days he used to be handing the microphones and, and all the stuff, Mashallah. And, you know, I feel old as well now when I think about that, but we're talking about children born in this century, who are teens now, and we know that, you know, the smartphone, what they call the smartphone now is synonymous with the century. Right? It came very early on we're talking 2006 2007 you know, the idea really gained progress to that

00:10:00--> 00:10:02

And I mean, smartphones came about

00:10:04--> 00:10:42

even earlier than that, right? But they weren't as smart as they became after 2009 2010. When these are the type of smartphones came about which, which, which we have in our hands today with with Apple and Android and so on and so forth. So yeah, that's what happened, right? This the phones became smarter, but what happened to the people? Right. So you know, now we have smart boards. And when I was in school, we had a blackboard, right. And that the teacher had was was writing with a black with with chalk and the desk that is to flip the classroom. And, you know, is the desk the board the dust is to go with the coffin. Now with smart boards, you just have this board on the

00:10:42--> 00:11:04

wall, which has Wi Fi, Bluetooth, everything, you can watch videos on the board, you want to check a resource on the internet, immediately you type in the URL bang, it's on the board in front you want to write you can write, write SMART Board. I tweeted the other day, a quote or somebody they said, you know, when we were young, the boards were walls.

00:11:05--> 00:11:14

Right? Right. Nowadays, the boards were old and the students were smart. Right? And we live in an age now where the birds are smart and the children are

00:11:15--> 00:11:17

allowed to stand right. So I'm not saying it's

00:11:19--> 00:11:57

saying it's a blanket statement, what I'm saying it's something to to ponder over. In any case, this is a very fruitful way to introduce the how one of the things you got to break when parenting we dive into the how to parent is to kill this when I was young syndrome. You know, when I was young, we used to walk in school with snow up to our knees. You know those statements and some some parents even in Zimbabwe, I'm thinking used to snow in Rhodesia, those days, they used to snow, so the snow was up to our knees. And nowadays the children get dropped off to school. Yes, no doubt the children are spoiled. But there's no need to compare our situation to them. Because really, the situation is

00:11:57--> 00:12:01

different. Because even when our parents were young cars were expensive, right? Or as cheap as they are

00:12:03--> 00:12:04

nowadays.

00:12:06--> 00:12:42

Okay, now in terms of our Sharia, and its teachings with regards to being a successful parent, then from the other elements, the Sharia teaches us that we should be patient. And this is very important. And it's not something we don't know, I think we all know this as parents, right. And as I said, this course is not a quick fix to being a good parent, you got to put it into practice. This is just, you know, a reminder for those who have lent and a lesson for those who don't know, but now you got to put it into practice. A good parent is a parent who's patient and calm, and are sort of less at a level AlLahi wa sallam, he had the biggest parental role because he was like a parent to

00:12:42--> 00:13:02

the entire oma, those who lived with him. And those who will come after today, we read a statement of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam and understand it Subhanallah and benefit from it, and relate to it as if he's here now talking to us now in the 21st century. So what an amazing parent he was, and something that is synonymous with his life.

00:13:03--> 00:13:12

Throughout the Macan phase and the Medina phase, the Macan phase when Islam was was being hammered, and the Medina phase where the Muslims had,

00:13:13--> 00:13:54

you know, their own place to practice Islam is that he was always patient, he was always calm, he was always ready to forgive his enemies, in what you know, he never took offense to people that harmed him. His entire process was inviting to Islam. So as long as the invitation and the propagation to Islam was okay, he never took offense. It wasn't an ego thing. But that's a different discussion, in terms of the pseudocode, the character, the characteristic that we want to see, and benefit from Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam was his calmness and his patients. When they stoned him at five, he was common patient, he didn't speak out, you know, without any rationale.

00:13:55--> 00:14:34

When a law told him now we sending you the angels, or the jabril told him Allah has sent me what the angels of the mountains to crush these people. Right after he was stoned, and he was bleeding, we find him making a decision, as if, you know, nothing happened. You know, people don't make great decisions when they angry or when they when they've just been struck. And we find them just after being struck. He says No, leave them, perhaps the project you will understand. So Pamela, right, so calmness, and serenity and patience was a great characteristic of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam. And Allah has told us to choose him as an example. Because Allah says lepad can Allah

00:14:34--> 00:14:59

configure rasulillah he was certain that in the messenger is a perfect example. Perfect example, not only in worshipping Allah, but a perfect example in everything, in everything, in being a businessman, in being a father in being a mother, right in being in terms of how you are with Allah, in everything being a community member. In everything, he is your best example who said

00:15:00--> 00:15:15

This ama so we look at him. His example was being patient and calm, and even our best robiola Narrator The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said to one of his companions that you know, you have two characteristics that Allah loves.

00:15:16--> 00:15:36

He says you have two characteristics that Allah loves, he's actually telling a companion of his. And he cites these two characteristics as calmness and patience, right? So Allah loves his brothers and sisters, and kindness and patience is good for us in all aspects of our life, especially when being a parent, I know, children push our boundaries.

00:15:37--> 00:15:43

And they says, if they have PhDs in doing that, right, they have the best degrees in knowing how to,

00:15:45--> 00:16:13

you know, wind their parents up. But the reality is, you need to understand I'm worshiping Allah, and my child is an opportunity for me to worship Allah even more, when they wind me up, I'm not going to see this as an obstacle, I'm going to see this as an opportunity, this is a chance for me to celebrate this character of Rasulullah, sallAllahu, alayhi wasallam. And remain calm and be patient, because number one is beloved to Allah. Number two, it's a characteristic of Rasulullah, sallAllahu, alayhi wasallam. And number three, only goodness can come from this.

00:16:14--> 00:16:50

If you're going to react, and as many parents do today, they're very reactive in their parenting, you're not going to you're not going to progress. Nothing's going to get better. Yes, you're going to strike fear in your child, your child may become a dutiful child, but not because they've learnt anything is because they scared of you. And not because you you know, their love for you grew in the process. No, it's because of resentment. And they fear so they're just going to take a step back. And we need to fear these things happening. Why? Because children will grow up and become independent. And when they become independent, if they were only good to you, because they feared

00:16:50--> 00:17:24

you, because they needed stuff from you what's going to happen when there's a detachment? What's going to happen? I'm not saying it's right. Don't get me wrong, mothers and fathers. Right. Don't take now the wrong understanding that I'm saying that it's right. If they do that, no, we're not discussing children. Right now we're discussing parenting. Children must be dutiful, irrespective of how good or bad the parenting was. Right? That's my discussion with them on another day. Our discussion now is reality. And the reality is children are human beings as we are human beings, right? what people say about us shouldn't affect us very.

00:17:25--> 00:18:05

Right? Yes, we should do things for Allah. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't say thank you to the people who do who do things for Allah saying thank you has is positive, it has it brings about a positive environment, it helps people do more. That's just how allies made us. We are interdependent beings, this the law of we that exists, which is that we are interdependent, we coexist with one another. It's not the law of AI all the time. We know the law of AI applies certain matters of our life. And the law of way, applies in other circumstances in our life. But the most prominent law is the law of wheat, especially when you're in a home, right, because you can't be selfish in the home.

00:18:05--> 00:18:43

And you cannot treat people as outsiders in the home, which is the law of day. It's the law of wheat, we coexist here. It's, it's we've called it's a coexistence. Right, everyone pulling their weight plays a part towards, you know, the serenity of the home and this ideal home that we discussed in the first episode. So it shouldn't be a situation whereby we react in a way that brings about natural human tendencies, especially when Japan is there to feed it. Japan's gonna be whispering to your child as well. And many a child today just feels that the children shove them down, don't give them a voice to speak. It's a process of fear that's created, and they really can't

00:18:43--> 00:19:12

wait for the circumstance to change. And then the norm of life is that circumstance will change. You cannot keep your children as a six year old, five year old or four year old forever, they're going to grow. That's just the reality. Their minds are going to develop. This is the son of Allah, no one can stop it. They're going to get older, no one can stop it. independence is going to come about in their lives. No one can stop it. So you need to equip yourself with the great characteristics of parenting and from them is patience and calmness. And we've discussed why. As a follow on to this.

00:19:13--> 00:19:20

We have gentleness and mercy and gentleness and mercy comes about as a result as a result of being patient and

00:19:21--> 00:19:35

gentleness and mercy comes about as a result of being patient and calm. Right. So now we're seeing the fruits of it. And why do you want to be gentle and merciful? Well, let's be honest, our children are the closest things we have to us.

00:19:36--> 00:19:59

Right? If you're going to be gentle and merciful to anybody, then surely it should be to your your children. First and foremost. You can't have a situation where you're very soft outside the home and in the home. You very aggressive. There's no gentleness, there's no mercy. You know, it's as if the child is saying, where's the mercy that when you're out of the home, you're very soft and gentle. It's because you're a businessman.

00:20:00--> 00:20:36

You're told you're a businessman, right? So we business we got to be good. You know, you've seen businessmen, they are another form of being a politician, being a businessman, because at the end of the day, you got to make deals right? So it doesn't matter. You overlook things as long as the deals get done, but you come into the home. This is the place where you need to really pull out sincere gentleness and mercy. And by the way, when you gentle and merciful outside of the home for ulterior motives, you're not being sincere in your gentleness and your, your ability to be miserable. That's not sincere. That's hypocrisy. Right? And Allah doesn't love the hypocrites. hypocrisy was never

00:20:36--> 00:20:55

anything that the shery are praised. In fact, when the Sharia talks about hypocrisy, and the hypocrites it says, Why there are at home to educate samahan that when you look at the hypocrites, nothing amazes you of them except the appearance, the show. And we spoke about this last year, the seeds of change course the importance of being a character, not a personality,

00:20:56--> 00:21:36

the importance of being a character and not a personality. Right. So you go out of the home and your personality, people perceive you as things and your true character shows were in the hope. Right? So never be a hypocrite, even with Allah and that's what the pious before us used to say if you want to know the reality of your state, look at yourself when you are alone with Allah subhanho wa Taala. How you find yourself then how you pray your Salah, then that is who you are as a person, not who you are in the public eye. Right? So gentleness and mercy I shall be Allah and has states that Muhammad the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Indeed, Allah subhanho wa Taala is gentle,

00:21:36--> 00:22:17

and he loves gentleness in all affairs. Right? So these citations I'm sharing with you are not from I'm not just picking them up. Right? I'm tight. I'm tying it to parenting. And here, the headline says all affairs, and one of the greatest affairs is raising up the Ummah of today and tomorrow. Remember brothers and sisters, right? No one should look at the youth today and say the future looks bleak. We should look at our young today and say the future looks bright. And for the future to do to look bright, you got to do your job as a parent. That's the reality. You cannot outsource parenting. You can outsource marketing. You can outsource it and human resources. You can outsource

00:22:17--> 00:22:51

that stuff. You can outsource catering. Yes, you have an invite at your house, get another company to cook and bring the food and look after people. But you can you cannot outsource parenting. And by the way, schools are not the place for outsourcing and says no, we do outsource parenting. We have schools. No schools are not parents. Schools are not parents, parents, are you, you dear father, and UDM are the You are the parents, right? And you have to be the first people that bring up your children. You have to be the first people that teach them everything. You got to be the ones teaching them.

00:22:52--> 00:23:28

The madrasa is just there to complement your role as a parent, you got to be there teaching your child the contemporary sciences, the school is just there to complement your role as a parent not to take over your job as a parent to complement it. They just plug your gaps, right because again, we live in the law of week we interdependent so we benefit from one another no doubt. But never feel that you've outsourced it today. We're quick to blame. The Milan act madressa, the chef at the madrasa, the teacher at school the school is like this, that school is like that. But we never realize this three fingers pointing back at us when we point. That's the reality, you got to ask

00:23:28--> 00:23:35

yourself Hold on a second. How good is the home when children have bad character at school is because they weren't into a good character at home.

00:23:36--> 00:23:51

So before you start blaming the madrasa, you gotta blame yourself. And let's be honest, the madressa never said as part of the contract that we are going to, you know, make your kids wonderful kids. And let's be honest, how many hours do this kids actually spend at madressa with the chef

00:23:53--> 00:23:59

and how many children are sitting with the chef and the chef has his own children at home as well that he has to bring up.

00:24:00--> 00:24:41

So why are you being unfair to the chef? Right? This is what we call offloading blame, running away from responsibility. Let's blame everybody know brothers and sisters, sort of loss of Allah Allahu wa sallam. As we heard, he said, assist your children. In being righteous, your children. If you assist other people's children, you're you're a special person, but your children you must do it. That's their obligation to punish you will be questioned about it. And we discussed this at the beginning. One of the other elements when you patient and calm that formulates an attribute of successful parenting is compassion. Anybody remember, robiola who and whom he narrates of the

00:24:41--> 00:24:53

Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam said Verily for every tree is a fruit and the fruit of the heart is the child and Indeed Allah will not have mercy upon those who will not have mercy upon their children.

00:24:54--> 00:24:59

Right. So compassion is an important part and important attribute that

00:25:00--> 00:25:18

should exist in your attributes list as a parent, right? You need to jot these things down and go home and ask yourself, how patient am I? How am I? How gentle am I? how merciful am I? How compassionate am I? This is all work, right? You should be sitting here with books and papers.

00:25:20--> 00:25:24

Brothers and sisters, right? We we want our children to learn one we've forgotten the art of lending.

00:25:25--> 00:26:08

Right? we've we've come with not much, you're not going to remember everything I say. You're not because the brain cannot remember everything at one go. Learning is a process. And memorizing is a process as well. Right? So if you really sincere, and you want to be judging jury in a true way we shouldn't but as I said we lack since he advises, so we forced to be judging jury of our own processes. You need to be writing these things down. Attributes of successful parenting, patience, kindness, gentleness, being merciful, compassionate, and we've shared the evidences from the Sunnah of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam. Also being lenient and easy. This is from the attributes

00:26:08--> 00:26:14

of successful parenting. I share of the Allahu anhu said that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said,

00:26:15--> 00:26:52

always choose the easier way as long as he says that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam would always choose the easiest way as long as it was not a sin. If he was given two options, he would take the easier way as long as the easier way did not entail being sinful. Right? Right. adopt this as a methodology in your parenting because being lenient and easy is a great attribute that should exist in your portfolio. Now, Allah tells the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in the Quran, Furby Mirage Mata min Allah He didn't tell him that it is from the mercy of Allah that you are lenient, and easy with your companions. What?

00:26:55--> 00:27:00

Have you been the opposite, even in a small way these companions would have dispersed from you

00:27:01--> 00:27:44

is because you are easy and gentle ally, a good character is absolutely amazing in winning people over and winning your children over especially if they love you, they will do what you ask them to do. Well, it's true. You know, you can take this out of the parenting round into community development as well. It's just human nature, that when they love you, they follow you. Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he was a lovable person. And he also said that a Muslim is an easygoing person, not a fussy person, not a person, everything my way or the highway. It has to be like this as a true sign of Islam in your life, is that you are easygoing? A true sign of Islam in your life

00:27:44--> 00:28:17

is it you are easygoing person. You're not a fussy guy. You're a fussy person. You gentle, you compassionate, you, merciful, you, easygoing, this is how Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was. And that's why the Quran knew that there's something about this man, there is no denying he wasn't because they doubted his character. they doubted his truthfulness or honesty. It was arrogance. They were arrogant. They didn't want to leave the way of their forefathers. They thought how can we do this? It was arrogant. And Allah subhanho wa Taala sizes many a time in the Quran, that they know the truth, but they reject it.

00:28:18--> 00:28:57

There's nothing in the messenger that causes them to deny it being the truth. There's nothing in his message that causes them to believe that this is not the truth. Now, everything about him fits the description. Everything about him is conducive to this message being a message that is followed, but it's arrogance. Right. So we need to understand this as parents that leniency and being easy is an important attribute to have. Now this doesn't mean that you should be weak don't get don't don't take the understanding as wrong because as the Sharia teaches us this, the Sharia has also taught us discipline. So we know don't don't take this discussion, in and of itself there are the parts will

00:28:57--> 00:29:01

add to this. Right? So when we say, you know,

00:29:02--> 00:29:37

be easy doesn't mean be weak. No, because you got to raise children. But what we saying is, don't have an aggressive attitude at home with your kids. Will you always shouting at them, scolding them, and it happens we we were lucky this message is for me first and foremost, we all week, we have moments in our life. As soon as you come and you just shout out. But what I'm saying is don't shout out and accept it. If you shout out, have a sit down with yourself and understand that you know what, what I did was wrong. This is not from the way of Rasulullah salallahu alayhi wasallam. Right. I'm not saying you're not going to have weak moments. But what I'm saying is don't let the weak

00:29:37--> 00:29:59

moments be a norm in your life. Let it be an exception, that it's a one off, you get what I'm saying. So what should be the base rule in our life is being lenient and easy. Also being flexible and considerate. Even Massoud wrote the law and says that Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said Have I not told you who will be protected from the Hellfire everyone that is close, gentle

00:30:00--> 00:30:04

lenient and easy Subhan Allah, this is the province of Allah Allah

00:30:05--> 00:30:34

is telling us. And look, remember I was saying, in when we talked about neuro associative conditioning, we spoke about creating urgency in your life if you want to, if you want to really become an easy person, I think this hadith creates urgency that I don't want to go to the hellfire. Right? It means so much to me that I don't go to the Hellfire, it means so much to me. So, I need to do that which helps me avoid the Hellfire and from the means is what sort of lesser level and he was Selim has said here, which is being

00:30:36--> 00:30:55

close, gentle, lenient, and, and easy by also from the attributes of good parenting is to be restrained, to be restrained. Yes, you are going to get angry sometimes. Yes, you know, anger is part of human nature.

00:30:56--> 00:31:35

But we were created to worship to live in this world, how Allah wants us to live in this world, not how we want to live in this world. And that's what Islam is submitting to the will of Allah. So we have human tendencies, but we're not supposed to follow them at the drop of a hat. We need to restrain and restraining happens in avoiding becoming angry. Right? We should avoid avoid becoming angry. Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was asked by somebody, this person came to him and said advise me. He said Don't get angry. He says, okay, advise me. I heard you give me some advice. He said, Don't get angry. He told him again. Okay, I've heard that. Give me some advice. He said,

00:31:35--> 00:31:36

Don't get angry.

00:31:37--> 00:31:55

Don't get angry. Three times. Don't get angry. Right? It's human nature to but don't get angry. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that the strong person is not a person who can wrestle. The strong person is a person who can restrain himself or herself when anger flares up within them.

00:31:56--> 00:32:00

So we're not we're not saying you know, you're not supposed to get meaning you should.

00:32:02--> 00:32:44

Becoming angry is something you can delete from your life. We're not saying that it's part of human nature, but how you react that's in your control, how you behave that's in your control. And Allah subhanho wa Taala says in his book, that walk forth to the forgiveness of Allah rush forth to the forgiveness of Allah, and a paradise which covers the heavens and the earth that has been created for the righteous people. Who are these righteous people? Allah describes them, right? They are those who spent their wealth during times of ease and difficulty, and then Allah says, will remain alive and those who restrain themselves and suppress anger when it flares up within them. Well as a

00:32:44--> 00:32:47

nanny nurse and those who forgive other people, this is what

00:32:48--> 00:32:55

Allah subhanho wa Taala says, right? So Allah has said that this Jenna is for those who suppress anger.

00:32:56--> 00:33:37

That suppressing anger has a reward of a great gender that's how beloved it is to Allah and that's what the Sherry are also has come with means to help us against anger engulfing us like saying out Billahi min ash shaytani r rajim. Like sipping water, like sitting if we standing or lying down if we sitting, why Allah subhanahu wa sallam have time to teach us about this Surely, we got people worshipping idols, right? And you teaching us about how to behave and we get angry? Yes, because Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam came with the heat and all that which though he entails worshipping, what Allah entails all these things, brothers and sisters, and again, I'm not speaking

00:33:37--> 00:33:56

anything from me, I'm giving you code after code after code citation from the teachings of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam, who you and I have been commanded to follow, right? So we should be restrained, we should be moderate. Right? as well in terms of parental attributes, being a moderate parent.

00:33:58--> 00:33:59

moderation is important.

00:34:01--> 00:34:43

don't over do anything. You know when you say a child is spoiled, you've overdone it. And anything which is done in excess has counterproductive results. Right? And he will pay him Rahim Allah He says Eve as a Shea and had been a believer that if anything crosses its boundary, it has negative effects. And this is through observation. Eating is good. If you overeat, it's bad. Sleeping is good. If you oversleep is bad. Laughing is good. If you over laugh, it's bad. Studying is good. If you always study it's bad. moderation has to be part of the parenting philosophy. Where you understand your boundaries and whether you you you excessive on one side, and you lack diligence on

00:34:43--> 00:34:50

the other side of what's going on. You got to look at this as people are scratching their head and saying parenting is hard. Yes, it is. Who said it was easy.

00:34:51--> 00:34:59

Who said it was easy? You're not in paradise yet. shala we'll get there this is the dunia right. Everyone wants to be in paradise. Want to just do what we want to do.

00:35:00--> 00:35:37

That's doing what you want to do happens in general doesn't happen here. Here we do what allows us to do, right? So if you're scratching your head and feeding parenting is hard you on the right track, it is hard. It is hard to parenting that trial and error like a mathematical problem that you solve trial and error Let me have a child let's see, oh, this child became a drug dealer a lot of Stan messed up with that child. Let's try better with the next track. doesn't work like that. It doesn't work like that brothers and sisters, because allows you to question you about that firsthand. We Allah protect our children from all harm me, from the attributes of being a successful

00:35:37--> 00:36:21

parent is being tactful, and considerate. Even Miss Rudra Viola and narrated the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam used to teach us periodically, as he did not want to overwhelm us. Right? be tactful. And this is a follow up from the moderate discussion we had earlier. Right? So he would teach them in a manner that didn't sort of cause the lessons to become boring for them, or didn't make them sort of now lose appreciation for the lesson. moderation is important. We are human beings, parents need to know this. And you need to look at your own life. When things became boring to us in our life, when when they were just when they existed in large quantities in our day, or

00:36:21--> 00:36:59

night, or our week around when we became bored of it. Right? We needed something else. Right? So moderation is important. And for you to be moderate. You have to be tactful, and considerate. You have to plan. Parenting is about strategic management as well. And oh, we learned about it in B comms and MBAs, right? For those who study at university about strategic management and implementation. The Sharia is all about strategic management. Allah gave us five times align the day, five Salawat, not six, not four or five, that strategically managed. The scholars use event Michelle Phoebe Kamala, he has an amazing discussion about this. In his book called and modificata.

00:36:59--> 00:37:34

I was reading it was very, it was, it was insightful. He said, Look, Allah gave us five, because six would have made us bored, would have made a stop tasting the sweetness of the sun, and four wouldn't have helped us achieve what masala aims for us to achieve. So it said five, by the the one who knows everything and lots of Hannah who attack hedge once in a lifetime, not twice. Because twice, for some people would have made the process of better. Allah said it as once you do it or you tasted the sweetness that's being tactful, being moderate, and consider it

00:37:35--> 00:38:13

one month in the because one month, if you read properly will help you face the rest of the year, it was two months, you'd have lost the sweetness of fasting, it would become a chore. That's what would have happened as it is with some weak Muslim delts. They find one month even at show. We say now that you being a weak Muslim, you need to develop your Eman because one month is sweetness. And it's Allah's mercy that he didn't make it to because the result might have been counterproductive. People would have become bored, they wouldn't have fasted for the beauty of fasting. So Allah cited it as one month India, for those who have reached a different level, the sooner fast, which you can do

00:38:14--> 00:38:27

hamdulillah but you don't fast less than a month side the 29 or 30 days, not 28 because you need 29 or 30 to ensure that you gain from the aims that fasting

00:38:28--> 00:39:12

set for you with the aim that fasting help you attain which is taqwa, right and an hour and I spoke about this year in Harare, he must read just before the end of Ramadan, this last Ramadan, I said Allah tells us too fast. And after that, he says, hmm, do that. It's a fixed number of days. I didn't have to tell us it's a fixed number of days. Because he didn't tell us he was 29 or 30. Anyway, we learned that from the sooner he says a fixed number of days. And at the end of the fasting, he talks his tells us about the days again when he took me too late that you must complete the days. So Allah subhanho wa Taala cited at 29 or 30 days is important. And he tells us about the

00:39:12--> 00:39:49

days and he tells us about completing the days. Why? Because you have to complete it to attain the fruits of fasting. But it's not going to be more than a month less it becomes something burdensome upon. So strategic planning and how you roll out your parenting is important. Right? And that's why one of the other attributes of good parenting is wisdom. You must be wise brothers and sisters. You got to know when to speak when not to speak. This is from the Sunnah of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. Sometimes remaining silent is better than speaking. Sometimes you create great parenting by keeping quiet by speaking about this tomorrow. And look, it's all human nature. What I'm saying

00:39:49--> 00:39:59

now is for me, first and foremost, but it's something for us to think about. Right, as I said now is for you to go home and benchmark yourself against these ideals.

00:40:00--> 00:40:35

You don't have to roll out parenting, immediately you overwhelm the child, you overwhelm the child to the extent that now the child doesn't taste the sweetness of what you're trying to share with them, so that so they don't relate to it. Right? parenting needs to exist in a way if I can, let me try and describe it for us, when we talk about strategic management, or how we roll out the parenting, it should exist in a way that everything you teach your child, your child feels emotionally invested in that lesson. Because that's the biggest motivator. If your child is in emotionally invested in that lesson, you won't have to remind them to do it, often, they will do it.

00:40:35--> 00:40:54

Today we say clean urine, clean urine, clean urine, clean urine clean, we keep on repeating it like a tape recorder, you can actually record it, let it play now. Put it on a timer. Now you got advanced radio, right? If that when the clock ticks, it'll just say clean your room reminder. Why they were doing it, you need to teach them that lesson in a way where they become emotionally invested in it.

00:40:55--> 00:40:58

And one of the ways to create emotional investment is focusing on the why

00:41:00--> 00:41:02

what are the benefits of doing it?

00:41:03--> 00:41:16

That's that's one of the ways but also one of the ways of creating that emotion investment is to to pace out your your the way you parent if you like to release them 100 commands Now, let me tell you clean up your room is lost in translation somewhere.

00:41:17--> 00:41:47

Right is lost. And that's what sometimes parents do. Parents are too busy to parent. And then what happens one day push comes to shove Enough is enough. They say inshallah Shaka press right? So Enough is enough. So what happens, what happens, you just lay out on the child Now, the last five months, six months of issues, one after the other one after the other. Now it's a two, three hour sitting with your child. And it's all negative. and you and you and you and you and you and now the child stop listening to you from the third you

00:41:48--> 00:42:27

they just now set their brain close waiting for this thing to finish. being respectful so that you know, that's what happens. No, you got to parent every day. So being strategic in how you be a parent is important. You can't leave it to say no, I'm just you know, memory plus memory plus memory plus memory plus memory plus. And on my timetable, I have one day where I'm going to sit and just do a brain dump piano. Play doesn't work like that. Right. So these are some of the things she had to panela whilst I'm flying so fast. So at the end of the second session, I wanted to dive into something else. We will use the third session by the way, I know it's cited as a q&a, but we will

00:42:27--> 00:43:06

use it to discuss some matters because I wanted to talk about the principles of parenting as well. Which inshallah we will do after the break. If you need a break. Do you guys feel like you need a break? We just had a tea break not so long ago, when how much can you eat? As we said, you need to be moderate, right? If you eating after every 45 minutes, and sweet things, as I can see here, then perhaps is not conducive to your own body development. So can we continue or should we write if anyone wants to help themselves to something you can? Let's move on to the principles for parenting. So we've covered the attributes of good parenting characteristics that we should have to ensure that

00:43:06--> 00:43:50

we are good parents, let's move on to principles for parenting. The first principle is to lead by example, this is very important brothers and sisters, if you want to be an effective parent, lead by example, lead by example, because children view their parents as leaders and great leadership entails you being a person who walks the talk, you speak what you mean. And you mean what you speak. Yes, right. And this is the same discussion in terms of when we talk about effective leadership. Being a parent is about leadership, you are leading your flock, if you don't lead by example, what do you expect from your children? parenting does not entail a Do as I say not as I do attitude.

00:43:51--> 00:43:53

Rather parenting is about

00:43:54--> 00:43:59

leading by example, and that was Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam Abu huraira Fabiola Juan,

00:44:01--> 00:44:05

narrated the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said every child is born in a state of fitrah.

00:44:06--> 00:44:46

And their parents will turn them into a Jew or a Christian or a Phylicia. Every child is born upon the natural disposition. But the environment now will shift that natural disposition will make them a fire worshiper or a Jew or a Christian. Now, again, Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam reciting the most important element, it doesn't mean that your your behavior won't affect the character. Now, if it's going to affect the religion, then obviously it's going to affect the character. And this is from the eloquence of the Prophet salallahu alayhi wasallam. He's not he doesn't have to cite for us every single thing. And he's had these becomes 10 pages, or 15 pages. He

00:44:46--> 00:44:59

was very eloquent. sallallahu alayhi wasallam. And this is from effective communication, that you cite the most important aspect and everything underneath it falls underneath it. So if your parenting affects their religion, what about their character? What about this speech? What

00:45:00--> 00:45:02

about their likes, their dislikes.

00:45:03--> 00:45:15

Let's be honest, if you're going to be listening to music in the car, then naturally they're going to start loving music, you are polluting the filter. You got to understand this. If you are a person who's not diligent with Salah

00:45:16--> 00:45:53

you are going to it's going to become ingrained in them. They're going to like delicious fella. You got to understand this. Right? You got to understand this. Yes, the Sherry tells us to make our children observed a fella by seven. And by 10, there should be a small punishment. Why so that by the time they get to the age of puberty, this pillar of Islam is looked after the as we said earlier, if he doesn't stand none of the deeds stand, right? How should you teach them about solid age of seven, and Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam his moral and ethical. This is an act. It's not just about telling them to do it. It's about creating a system, which allows them to observe the

00:45:53--> 00:45:55

prayer. If you're not doing it, you polluting the fitrah.

00:45:56--> 00:46:04

If you're not good to your parents, as well, they are going to take it upon themselves, not because they want to be bad to you, but they think it's normal.

00:46:06--> 00:46:39

Like a true story in Saudi Arabia, which one of the chefs mentioned in a musty talk of a father who came to him crying after he buried his mother and his mother or father, I can't remember. I think it was his father. Allah knows best. And the chef, obviously the chef, you you obviously you you use soft with people, they had a loss, his but he wasn't crying because he lost his father. He's crying because of what happened after what happened after when they came from the graveyard. his young son of four or five, goes into this made quarter

00:46:40--> 00:47:19

and picks up a plate which which was rusted and keeps the plate. And the father saying why do you want that plate in our lady? Oh, my son straightaway, it's dirty. And you say, but this is the plate that my grandfather used to eat in order to save it. So I can also do the vdt you use it to feed you to Pamela he's innocent child. This shocked it shocked his father and he's coming to the shack saying what have I done? right because he looked after his father in an extension to the house a small box room in Saudi Arabia, how they built the houses, they have this outside box from which is considered the maids quarter or the quarter of the servant that will work there. Right. So

00:47:19--> 00:47:58

obviously, he didn't have a son. But this is he didn't have a servant, but this is where he placed his his father. And the meals will go to the father as if he loves that. But the point to note is Look how the child picked up on it. Because that was leadership by example. Bad leadership, but that's what the child for the child was. Was not saying I want to be back to you, my dear dad, no, he's an older dude, do you? Because I love you. I love you I want to do what do you do? This is how you did I want to follow through. Right? What you plant social, you reap lead by example. Right. So this is a very important principle for parents leading by example. And we've seen this Heidi is in

00:47:58--> 00:48:32

Sahih Muslim, it's authentic, that a lot creators upon a natural disposition. And this natural disposition acknowledges of law. But if this disposition that acknowledges A lot can be shifted because of the the environment in the home, that understand how lucrative a good environment in the home is. You have music CDs lying around bad magazines lying around, don't think that you know your child is going to be free from it when they reach their teens and reach a better independence. And now they are in a situation meaning they are engulfed and enslaved by life. And,

00:48:33--> 00:49:12

you know, fizzy, the physiological changes, which their bodies undergo and they brains undergo and you know, the independence they start feeling and so on and so forth. They're not trying to be bad, they just want to latch on to things that the outlets do, right? Especially when you get to your teens because when you get to a TNC you enter a phase where now you want to be like the adults. That's the first phase where you start feeling independence and nowadays it happens earlier brothers and sisters puberty comes from this before your teens right as we know so you got to create that environment you got to lead by example. You got to drink coke they're going to drink coke don't

00:49:12--> 00:49:24

drink the Coke is a Coke is bad for you. I mean that's foolish right? They say oh my dad does bad things you want your child to say that right nowadays the parents are more clever and they put the coke in the coffee mug. So the child thinks that drinking tea

00:49:26--> 00:49:59

right so what are we saying brothers and sisters is lead by example. This is very important. Number two wisdom. Wisdom is an important principle. When it comes to parenting, and wisdom is described as failure lithium battery, can I am battery flockton lithium batteries are doing the right thing at the right time in the right way. This is wisdom. And Allah says in the current moment you tell sheetmetal who to hire and kaviraj that the one who has been blessed with wisdom then Allah has blessed them with mighty good. We lack wisdom today My dear brothers and sisters

00:50:00--> 00:50:38

We lack wisdom in how we gift our children. We over gift them we spoil them. We lack wisdom in the yes and no concept with our children. We say either too much Yes. Or too much No. Or we say yes at the wrong time, or no at the wrong time. This is prevalent. This is prevalent, children do what they want. And parents are always for their children. I think this is part of good parenting. No, you got to raise a child that will be upright tomorrow, when you're in your grave, you got to raise a child, that will be upgrade tomorrow, when there'll be no one advising them as you would have as you would advise them. You got to raise a child to be upright tomorrow,

00:50:39--> 00:51:21

when there'll be no one available, who will be desperate for them to succeed. Let's be honest, the most desperate people for our children to succeed are the parents. Right? We are the most desperate for them to succeed. Wisdom is needed. Don't be fooled by shavon when he puts you in his own way, you know, give them what they want. Because, you know, that's good parenting, that you've been fooled by sharepad? Yes, give them what they want. When wisdom dictates it's the right thing for them to have. Even if they're good children, brothers and sisters hairpin sometimes, you know, he whispers does my child's good. You know, other people's children do like this and do like that. Let

00:51:21--> 00:51:35

me just give him what he's asking for No, no, no, no brothers and sisters, we were not born to raise our children. As our neighbors are raising their children. We were created to raise our children as Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam told us to raise children,

00:51:36--> 00:51:49

Islamic and say your neighbor's house is the pedigree for you to understand whether you're a good parent or not, or what other people are doing to the children is a pedigree for you to understand whether you good parents or not know, Islam has its citations.

00:51:50--> 00:51:52

And it's either right or wrong.

00:51:53--> 00:52:17

I'm not saying there's no gray areas, but you get the gist of what I'm saying. Don't be fooled by what how, how other children are spoiled, and then you make a wrong decision. Now, wisdom might dictate that even though my child is good, this for them now is not right, be apparent and say no, it's look, inshallah I support your request. But this is not the right time. Perhaps we can do it, then this will be a better time for you to do it.

00:52:18--> 00:52:21

Right. And that's wisdom. And that's part of being a parent.

00:52:22--> 00:52:57

And that needs guts. Because you need to also trust yourself, you need to think things over. And good leadership, brothers and sisters needed to be brave. You know, executive decisions don't come from weak leaders. Right. And that's why Allah has made enemies in everything. There's an immediate someone in charge, because you are going to have difference of opinion. And there needs to be someone who will make the final decision otherwise nothing will move forward. Right? The ship needs a captain, the plane needs a pilot, who's also the captain, there's a captain, you might have two three pilots on board, but one is the captain. Right? Even in terms of the persons on the plane, you

00:52:57--> 00:53:29

have a head of staff in terms of air hostesses and so on and so forth. There's someone who's there who can make a final decision if need be in the home, Allah says originally to Pomona and aneesa, that the men have been made responsible over the females over the the elements of the home. So good leadership is needed, and wisdom is related to good leadership. The next thing brothers and sisters in terms of parenting principles is fairness and equity. I want to say equality, I want to say equity. Right.

00:53:33--> 00:54:10

And that is very important that we are fair. Now, when we talk about this topic, I must make it clear that it doesn't mean that you need to love every child equally, because this is human nature, a matter of human nature, you can't control it, right Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam loved the Chateau de La Hoya and Hamilton his other wives. And it was it was known, a parent may love a particular child more than the other children, this can happen. It's human nature because of certain attributes the child has that relates to you. So when we talk about equity or equality, we're not saying in terms of human emotion, meaning the love that you feel, but we're talking in terms of

00:54:10--> 00:54:38

practice, that even though you love one child more than another, it doesn't mean that that child is always right, even when they're wrong. When they wrong, you got to cite them as wrong. Does that make sense? It doesn't mean that you love the child more than the other that you give this child and you don't give the others. Now why do I say equity not equality? because Islam doesn't say if you give to one a car when he's 18 years old, you got to give the six year old guys Well, no. So equity entails you've gifted but gift but gift a gift which is conducive to

00:54:39--> 00:54:59

this particular child's situation. Right? So that child might be the card this child might need an iPad, for example. Right? So that's equity. So you've gifted and gifted. This is important. Why? Because you don't want a situation wishing upon now has a door to enter your child's life and make or create resentment, like shavon did to the brothers of Yusuf Ali Sarah

00:55:00--> 00:55:20

Not that iacobelli salam was not fair with his children, but naturally, he was being a parent to the two young ones, Yusuf and Binyamin, right, who came from a different mother. So now the other children who are much older they was, you know, shavon caused them to see this love and attention that was given to these two young ones as being unfair.

00:55:22--> 00:55:55

So she can use it as a means for them to do this harm. And this evil which they did, which was to abduct us from his home and throw him into a well, they said, Well, if we get rid of him, then our father will look at us. But it wasn't the case that he wasn't looking at them. He was practicing equity, that, look, you guys are independent in certain things, I don't have to babysit you in these things. But these children, I got to babysit them because they younger. And we know that Yusuf was abducted as the scholars have to say, before the age of seven, before the age, so he was much younger. So equity and fairness is important. Also, brothers and sisters, from the principles of

00:55:55--> 00:56:09

good parenting is appreciation and open communication. You must appreciate your children, right? And learn to plant the seeds of dignity and self worth, and give them a chance to speak.

00:56:10--> 00:56:47

That's what you know, appreciation and open communication entails. It shouldn't be a situation where it's one way traffic in the parenting, the parent speaks and the children listen, that's it. You are born to listen. Now let them also speak, let them communicate, get feedback, how do you know how they're feeling? And how do you know? You know, if a doctor doesn't ask you? How does the doctor know which medicine to apply? So you get feedback from your children. Right? This assists you in becoming a better parent. Now, everything I'm fighting for is a long discussion. Brothers and sisters have many examples we can go through but obviously as we said, Today, we just planting the

00:56:47--> 00:57:28

seeds for us to grow later on, write these things down and consider them. Right appreciation and open communication. Right? So your child is not smaller than that bird that Sulaiman alehissalaam had a conversation with you know the story of Solomon, when the bird went missing cinnamons And where's the bird, he better come with a good excuse, or he's going to be punished severely. When the bird came back, the man just punished the bed now, cinnamon had a conversation with the bank, explain yourself. And he says I've come to you from another place. And I have knowledge of something you don't know. And I've seen a people worshipping the sun is now telling

00:57:29--> 00:57:47

him right? So he had a conversation with the snow. But your child is not smaller than the small. But let's be honest, no matter how small your child is, have a common have a discussion with your child? Let them communicate. Why did you do this? When you did it? Did you not feel this? Did you forget the lesson I told you the other day that this is wrong.

00:57:48--> 00:58:08

Have a discussion. Don't treat your child as if my child is out to make my life a living? Hell, no, they just being children. And it's very important brothers and sisters that you know this. You need to know the stages of your child and their brain development as well. You know, once I came across a parent who has been who spent his 304 line, and I said, You know what?

00:58:10--> 00:58:16

Does your child even know what lying is? And does your child even have the ability to lie at this age?

00:58:17--> 00:58:50

Right, because we know a lot of the you know, development sciences, they actually that they call sciences. Now they researched, there's a lot of theory about it. And it actually states that a three year old the child is imagining they don't even have the mental ability to lie. So they can say that they did something or didn't do something. Through imagination, they imagined that they can say somebody else did it because they imagined it. They're not like and here you are now disciplining your child for something the child is innocent of, because you lack the knowledge.

00:58:51--> 00:59:32

Right? So yes, maybe our parents didn't know. But that doesn't mean that our parents didn't know that we should behave the same way as we heard from Viola. And so now we have lessons from specialists, this books written on this read about it. Right? I mean, we've just opened a school in Malaysia, seven skies internationally, when we're putting this curriculum together. One of the best people on the panel was a doctor and the doctor is explaining about how the brain of a male child develops at a certain pace. And the the brain of a female child develops at a certain pace that females at the age of five can learn things that we shouldn't be teaching the males, they will learn

00:59:32--> 00:59:33

it better if they're seven or eight years old.

00:59:35--> 01:00:00

It's documented now Surely, we should take this on board. So we've structured the curriculum in such a way that the boys section will learn this at seven or eight. And the girls section of the school will learn that lesson at five that's fine. Because Allah says when he said Becca Carranza, the main is not like the female. They different so I'll have the life if now we have information coming about that assistance, we can better the education

01:00:00--> 01:00:26

process. So why not take this information and better the parenting process as well? Right? Right. And by the way, this is a good way to explain why your school is segregated nowadays. You know, parents are Why is your school segregated if you tell them because Islam says they have a problem. But if you say no, it's segregated because we have a curriculum running for the boys, and a curriculum running for the girls, because of these medical reasons. Now they are This is amazing. Now they're happy to accept segregation.

01:00:28--> 01:00:28

But that's just

01:00:30--> 01:01:13

a footnote to the discussion. So appreciation and open communication. Your child is not smaller than the bed that Solomon Elisa Lam had a conversation with. Also, we discussed constant. This is a principle in effective parenting. I'm not going to touch on that. Now. We spoke about it in the first session. The next thing brothers and sisters is Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he permitted ation of the Allahu anhu to have toys, and he watched a boom a play with his pet bird, and also his grandson, and Hussein had a pet. So from the principles of effective parenting, is to create circumstances where your children also develop in terms of responsibility. Right? And how do

01:01:13--> 01:01:19

you do this by getting them a pet? This helps them develop responsibility, right.

01:01:23--> 01:02:02

And also in terms of the girls, they learn responsibility by playing with dolls, right? And as we see Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam let eyeshadow Viola have her she she she has she had her dolls, he never instructed the Baccarat Viola to get rid of them, or he didn't make an active effort to get rid of them the scholars, just from this heady, they have cited books and books on Intel in related to Toby and Teddy, which is education and development or better still development and education. Because islamically development comes before education. This is just another side note for you to take to take care of, we always say Tobia, what any development and education.

01:02:03--> 01:02:43

development, education is a subset of development, right? It's not about just teaching children. It's about them becoming developed as a result of what they learn. And especially with the sharing of brothers and sisters, as parents never become a person who teaches your child Islam as they learned mathematics at school, which is theory, because the knowledge of the cheriya doesn't just change minds or educate minds, it educates minds and hearts, it transforms hearts. And parenting is about transformation. Right? So you can teach your child about gender, but there's no transformation in the character. You can't teach them about a line, there's no transformation in the character. You

01:02:43--> 01:03:15

can't teach them an ayah in the Quran, and there's no transformation in the character. You can't teach them. What I'm saying is you can't teach them something as you teach them a mathematical equation, for example, or the names of different triangles, where it's knowledge, you memorize it and you know, now there has to be a transformation that happens as a result of the knowledge that you know, and this is tarbiyah. This is development Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam always taught us about development, and told us about education being a subset of development, because the ultimate thing is development. How did you grow from the knowledge that you lacked? Right? How did

01:03:15--> 01:03:32

you grow, and even in the Sherry, when we talk about beneficial knowledge is knowledge which entails two pillars number one, knowledge and number two action. And it's called the twins have faith in knowledge plus action. In his knowledge, amen, is action.

01:03:33--> 01:04:04

And no action can happen without knowledge. Because we need to live here, as I said, how Allah wants us to live. So we need to learn what Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam, about matters related to a lion how he wants us to live, once we know we have to implement. And that's why if you look at the narrations related to the Day of Judgment, you don't really see, you know, whereas rula sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says, your legs won't move on the day of gamma until you asked about what you learned now about what you learned in what you did with it.

01:04:06--> 01:04:43

That's what you asked about what you did with it. And again, we've said this today, parenting entails practice. Go home, draft your Gallup exercise book, open up your tablet hamdulillah you don't need paper now. Right? Get yourself an app, whatever you need, and start making it your parenting handbook. Like, you know, we have cooking recipe books, right? Everyone has, you know, when you get married, your mother gives you a recipe book, which is the homemade recipes and you carry that to your new home. You need to have your parenting Handbook, which you one day will give to your child when your child grows up and gets married and has their children that look this is the

01:04:43--> 01:04:59

these are the mistakes. And I know they were mistakes because of a b you need to write your journal. This is what I did today. And this is what happened. Five years ago I spoke to my child this way. This is how they're reacting today. Right? Have your journal learn from it today. I am

01:05:00--> 01:05:36

The Parenting lecture I learned about attributes and principles of parenting is this is this is the subject, how close Am I to it? How far am I from it? or How? What's my distance from it? And what am I going to do to plug that gap? Create a column for yourself, principle, my relationship to that principle, what can I do to fix it? Write it down. Allah will love you for it. Do it for the sake of Allah is important brothers and sisters, right? So what we're saying is give your children toys, give them pets, but teach them development from it. Don't give it to them to make them love the dunia.

01:05:38--> 01:06:13

Don't give your children toys and pets so that they are attached to matters of this life. Today, we see many children they love toys, toys, toys, toys, toys, toys, toys, it's all about more and more and more. It's never enough. The toys and industry now and we know when anything becomes an industry. It's dangerous. Right? When when food becomes an industry, it becomes dangerous. When toys become an industry it becomes dangerous schooling is an interest in our law understand, and we know what's happened to education and in the world today, because schools are just there to be schools, that industry make money. Not all schools, they may not be oppressive, right, even the medical

01:06:13--> 01:06:52

fatalities and industry now. So we also know what's happened to medicine, how expensive it's become hospital, just yesterday, I was reading a piece on how certain hospitals put targets on the surgeons, they put targets in certain countries. So they the surgeon admits you, even though there's a you can you can get through whatever you're going through without having surgery. Right. So it was a good comparison anyway, for those who are interested was discussing, you know, the medical practices in India as opposed to, for example, other countries in the world. And basically, the article was saying that surgeons in India have targets to hit, they admit you because the doctor or

01:06:52--> 01:06:54

the hospital has to make a certain amount of money.

01:06:55--> 01:07:25

And they were talking about medical ethics in Australia being one of the best in the world because they hardly admission to hospital. They give you real choices as a patient as to what approach you want to use. But that's a side discussion, I want to bring it to the parenting realm as well. Right? Don't make parenting an industry or we can't because we can outsource. But if you buy your child that toy, make sure you're not buying it and giving it to them to make them love it and be attached to the dounia. So as they grow bigger than they want the toys appropriate to their age, as we see what smartphones today everyone's buying their children, the latest smartphones, they don't need

01:07:25--> 01:07:41

them. The last smartphone is working fine. But we allow them to get the new smartphone. How is that helping the tarbiyah? All you're doing is making them attach the dounia even if they can sell the last smartphone. But you don't need one. Why are you doing it for the sake of it?

01:07:42--> 01:08:08

If there's a reason, that's a different story. But if there's no reason if the reason is only because that's the latest one out there, then that's not good development for your child, because you're not buying it for them, or allowing them to get it in a process which develops them in a robust way. You only developing them in a way where they become attached to things to materialistic things. And today, I promise you, you know what consumerism exists with Indian children 78 year olds, are

01:08:09--> 01:08:24

they part of consumerism, and it happens in it is even understood in the industry today. You know, if a company wants I think I shared this with you last year. But if a company wants to advertise this area,

01:08:25--> 01:08:33

they actually go to a psychologist. And they asked the psychologist, how does the child think because we marketing this thing to a child.

01:08:35--> 01:09:14

So the psychologist now says, okay, you need to create a figure. You know, because kids like figures, cool figure, make sure it's round, not square roundish figure. Because in the cartoons, you see the roundish figures are the good guys, the square, the square figures are the baddies. Right? Except for SpongeBob. I noticed SpongeBob is a square. But maybe that's because that's cheese. So you know, children can get over it. But they actually say, well, you need to get around this figure and you know, make this feeder, do these cool things, and the kids will get attached to it. So they take this information, they go to the advertisement company, and they and they relate this through

01:09:14--> 01:09:51

that look, we need ABCD so now that the company creates for them, this little furry tiger, for example, you know, does all these cool things on TV, he's surfing and parasailing and doing all these cool things. And then when he finally lands entire, they give him a bowl of cereal and he switches it and puts it in his mouth and you know your child is there in front of the TV. Right? Because that's what parenting today has become also, you know, one of the principles of parenting is get the full time Cartoon Channel at home. So we stick them there to a piece. We put them there then we can you don't hear from the child's hungry, right? So what happens is now your child is busy

01:09:51--> 01:09:59

watching all these, this this advert between the cartoons of this Tiger who eats this cool cereal. So now you understand

01:10:00--> 01:10:03

You go shopping with your child, and your child is walking with you.

01:10:04--> 01:10:43

So what the company tells the supermarket tells the supermarket look this cereal, put it on the lower shelves. And by the way, nowadays, you pay for shelf space. If you want your stuff in the shelves in the front, it's certain price, because supermarkets have realized this value before it wasn't needed to stock your stuff. No, now you pay for shelf space. So we want the bottom shelves for the season. Okay? So you walking with your child, on a Sunday, innocently happy and your child is walking with you until your child stops staring at the cereal box, which is which is right in line with his eyes. Right? Because in the lower shelves, and you say Come Come and he says I want to

01:10:43--> 01:11:03

Syria. So why do you want to see because that's my friend who's your friend, that little tag on the box. Because I watch him on TV every day at home, he does cool things. And he eats the cereal. So I want to see what happens when we say okay, let's get the cereal bang it goes into into the shopping tree. So our kids now have what

01:11:04--> 01:11:39

has become part and parcel of consumerism. Right? They want things before they even know that you need money to buy it basically. And that's what consumerism is about brothers and sisters, we should be privy to these things, brothers and sisters, right. So if you give them toys, and games ensure that you're giving it to them in a way that develops them for the better not make them attached to materialistic things, choose the games appropriately, make sure that they can develop and acquire a certain skill from this toy that you're giving them today we have apps, be careful when you download these apps, right, don't just give them the password to the Play Store, or whatever the story is.

01:11:39--> 01:11:58

And they just downloading apps all day long trying new things. Firstly, it doesn't help the attention span. And I've seen this personally, I have experienced this in education today, the students have some of the least attention spans I've ever come across. They do not hold attention. They do not they become easily

01:12:00--> 01:12:26

out of focus. Because the attention spans are so little, this is what's happened. It's so it's so short, you know that the span is so short, because the apps are stimulating. And they finished before they get used to this app, they open another app, they open another app, they open another app. So constantly, their mind is being stimulated at a very high intensity until they get to a stage where they can't accept anything low. And to be honest, how many kids practice imaginary play today?

01:12:27--> 01:13:01

Or for how long? Do children practice imaginary play today? Well, you just leave them with the toys. And they just play imagining you find them bored, they want to watch TV, they want the iPad, they want the tablet, they want your phone, they want the games on your phone, they want to watch this, they want to watch that. They vary because let's be honest, somebody else doing the thinking for you is always easier. Right? When they watching something, they're not thinking the person who created that is thinking they just watching that guy's brain is far easier than me using my own brain to play. So if you're going to buy them toys, buy them toys, what you thought about it properly, don't

01:13:01--> 01:13:34

just take them to Toys R Us. And one parent says I just go into Toys R Us tell my kids pick what you want. I said that's good once in a while, you know, but every time you buy a thought have a bit of diligence that okay, this toy, this is what it's going to give my child or it's not. Sometimes you have a toy that's going to teach your child the same thing. And if you buy it for them, and you're just buying it for them for the sake of it, you're only going to make them become attached to materialism. You don't want that brothers and sisters. So that you know part of parenting is get them toys, get them games, but make sure you think about what you buying and make sure it develops

01:13:34--> 01:13:39

them in a certain way. Yes, we must benefit from third party tools, but not the term benefit.

01:13:41--> 01:14:23

That's the critical word benefit from third party tools but benefits don't harm your child. because later on you're going to be shouting at them. And you know why? Because of what you did. So don't let that happen. Okay. Also from the principles brothers and sisters is obedience and benevolence, right. And this can be accomplished by providing a righteous environment and an unrighteous friend circle, also avoiding too much blaming and feeling of guilt. And as robiola and he says, I serve the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam for 10 years, 10 years I served him and not once did he tell me why did you do this when I did something? or Why didn't you do it when I didn't do something?

01:14:24--> 01:14:59

This is an us. Right? It's amazing that you're sharing with us this lesson because this was something specific between him in the prophets of Allah Allah who celebrated generation in that in that Rasulullah said this, he Allah inspired him to just say this to whatever gathering he was in and Mashallah Alliance fighting to come to us. It's an amazing lesson this because today, a lot of parenting entails blaming and feeling of guilt, emotional blackmail. This is a big problem in parenting today. It's a big problem. You either remind your children of the 10 years of wrongs that they did or the 16 years of wrong that they did with the mistakes from the second year.

01:15:00--> 01:15:01

Life, this is wrong.

01:15:02--> 01:15:34

That was then they got over it. Never judge people based on their past the Sharia doesn't do this. And if you really want people to grow, stop taking them backwards. Yes, sometimes you need to take two steps backwards to move forwards, but always sort of piling on your child or piling on anybody's not going to help. They felt the guilt them, they move forward from it, you know, the brothers of use of some of the scholars of Tafseer say that in the i in surah baqarah and Surah Al Quran where Allah subhanho wa Taala says,

01:15:38--> 01:15:44

the ASVAB the ASVAB in these two if it refers to the other sons of Yaqoob.

01:15:45--> 01:15:54

Right, and they say that these sons later on became prophets. Some of the scholars say this, which brothers, those brothers who did what abducted use of Allah, He said them when they were younger,

01:15:55--> 01:16:36

which teaches us what Bredesen says that we shouldn't judge people based on their past. If Allah if we take this view of the scholars, and we see that Allah didn't judge these people based on their past, they sought forgiveness from Yusuf, they sought forgiveness from their father, they sought forgiveness from Allah, they told their father ask Allah to forgive us a lawful gave them a lump of food with them, didn't say no, because of the mistakes of your past. No, you can't even in sick when Allah talks about the adultery and the adulterous that, you know, the future should not marry the adultery. Right? They shouldn't. But then what is Allah say, except those who seek forgiveness,

01:16:36--> 01:17:15

sincere forgiveness. So the Sharia doesn't treat people who seek sincere forgiveness the same way right after forgiveness as they would have been treated before forgiveness. Does that make sense? It's oppressive to bring up the past. So if Rasulullah salallahu alayhi wasallam as a general rule, never blamed anyone for anything. As a general rule, we should adopt that in our parenting it shouldn't be that we say it's your fault is because you did this is because you did that? I told you so you didn't listen. Don't do the blaming act because you want to parent and parenting is not revenge. By the way. newsflash. Brothers and sisters. Parenting is not revenge, by the way. Right?

01:17:15--> 01:17:38

parenting is parenting. It's about developing and growing one another. Yes, you frustrated that your child is not pulling his or her weight, but you're not pressed. You shouldn't be frustrated to the extent where you want to practice revenge now. Well, you know, blame and make the bring about guilt of the past. No, you frustrated because you love them to develop. So you need to maintain the principles that allow development. I told you so attitude is,

01:17:39--> 01:17:40

is old fashioned.

01:17:41--> 01:18:19

It doesn't work. Especially today when children but more rebellious, I'm sure to the adults sitting here, the parents sitting here you are much more forgiving of your parents. And it's true. I can tell you, I can tell you that. You know, I'm not that old. But I can tell you the children of the 90s are not the children after the turn of the century. They are absolutely not the same people. They far more rebellious. They have they have far too many views. The children are the millennials that we speak about philosophies, the philosophy they have views. They have explanations of things when they are telling a child Don't cry over spilt milk.

01:18:20--> 01:18:28

is sorry the channel says that no, I don't have to cry. I said why? Since my mommy has a machine he can suck up the milk.

01:18:31--> 01:18:36

I said yeah, but that minute the milk is dirty still even you can suck it up. So no, there's another machine

01:18:38--> 01:19:12

This is the children of today right five six year old giving you philosophy you know, telling you that don't worry telling that Oh, don't worry, we can sort this out. Right? So what I'm saying brothers and sisters is don't play the blame game. Yes, our children are more rebellious now. So we are in greater need greater need to be more wise when we parent, right? Don't bring up the past. It's not gonna help. It might have helped you when your parents brought up the past if they did, but it's definitely not going to help now. In any case, let's take a break here. Do you want me to run through these

01:19:13--> 01:19:58

principles very quickly. So we said lead by example number two, wisdom number three fairness and equality. Number four, appreciation and open communication. Number five constants application number six when you purchase them toys and games and pets, be thoughtful in in the purchases that you do so that it aids the development? Right next the next example be an example of obedience and benevolence. And the last one was avoid much blaming and avoid creating a situation where they feel guilty Yes, brothers and sisters emotional blackmail is the Sherry Addison love that you know we hear parents today they they their parents with emotional blackmail if you do this, don't come to my

01:19:58--> 01:19:59

grave. If you do this, I won't lie.

01:20:00--> 01:20:37

This is this is not from Allah. This is not from Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam This is from shavon. And this is from emotions that shavon brings about, you tread the path of the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam inshallah you will be safe in the grave. And the last thing I'll say before we end is that there are three questions that we will be asked in the grave. And those questions we know, we know them is the only exam that you can legally know the questions to. If there's any other exam in the world that you know, the questions to, you've done something illegal, you've stolen the question paper before time, right? The only exam, we know the questions to legally

01:20:37--> 01:20:49

are the exams of the grave. And let me tell you something, no matter how hard you study for those exams, you cannot guarantee answering those questions. Because true study for those exams is practice.

01:20:50--> 01:21:15

You can't just say, you know, who is your Lord Allah repeated 100 times I'll be able to answer these in the grave. You got to live your life as if Allah was your Lord, who is your prophet? You can repeat it 100 times. So who is your prophet Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam easy? No, you got to live your life as if he was your prophet. You can't say you know, what was your religion? You can't just say Islam was my religion. No, you got to

01:21:17--> 01:21:21

live your life with Islam being your religion. And that's why one of the doors that

01:21:22--> 01:21:47

used to say is there will be to be like Europe and Islam Medina and will be Muhammad sallallahu alayhi, wasallam Nebbiolo Sula, that I am pleased as a law as my Lord, and as Islam as my religion, and as the Prophet salallahu alaihe or I'm pleased with the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam being my Prophet and Messenger, right? In one narration, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam didn't say whoever says this, he said Whoever believes it.

01:21:50--> 01:22:18

He didn't say whoever says this, Allah will give him this. In one of the narration said Whoever believes it's not enough to pay lip service. You gotta believe Allah as your Lord and the messenger as your prophet and Islam as your religion. May Allah grant us the understanding. Let's take a 15 minute break inshallah. And then we'll come back I want to discuss about the terrible twos a little bit. And then about some matters pertaining to teens with the light headedness Allah wa Sallim wa barik ala nabina Muhammad wydad. He was lovely to me.