Sajid Ahmed Umar – Parenting and the 21st Century (Session 3)

Sajid Ahmed Umar
AI: Summary © The speakers stress the importance of parenting and the use of digital and digital sounds in children, as it is crucial for building confidence in children. They stress the need for parents to have open communication and listen to children, as it is crucial for building confidence in children. The speakers also emphasize the importance of parenting and healthy relationships in our workforce, and acknowledge the need for training and development for employees to ensure their roles are aligned with their culture. The pandemic situation may affect workload and availability, but the speakers acknowledge the need for a better understanding of the complexion of our workforce and how it impacts our performance.
AI: Transcript ©
00:00:01 --> 00:00:11

Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim hamdulillah salat wa salam ala rasulillah Allah Allah He was happy woman Wallah. Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. Welcome everyone to

00:00:13 --> 00:00:14

part three. It is switched on here.

00:00:17 --> 00:00:19

I think we have to 1230 right.

00:00:20 --> 00:00:24

It ends at 1230. Okay, so you can hear me whilst they No you can't.

00:00:30 --> 00:00:47

Okay. hamdulillah Can you hear me now? Yes, hombre de la Barca la Vico. Okay, so this is our last session. Very quickly, let us dive into some other points for consideration. I'm going to reiterate time and time again, all we're doing here are points for consideration. I personally believe

00:00:48 --> 00:01:20

a lot of what has been discussed are independent lectures and workshops in and of themselves. And we're not here to give complete mastery on any one point, so please don't feel that you've heard everything of anything rather, you've just heard an introduction. Right? I would, I wouldn't even want to say a drop in the ocean of what you need to know everything we've cited is an introduction, something for you to ponder over. And inshallah, if you are sincere, Allah will

00:01:21 --> 00:01:28

bless you with great change in your life and how you bring up your children. Just following up on one of the things we said in the last session

00:01:29 --> 00:02:09

where we spoke about children being more rebellious today than before, then, what that or what I intended, but specifically when I said that is not that they question us more. And that's from them being rebellious? No. Yes. parents do. Sorry, children do question us more today. And that's a sign of the times. And as we said earlier, parenting mustn't be the same as in the past as or the same today as it was in the past, because children are generally more informed. Now. As we know, their minds are stimulated by digital sounds, not by rattles and objects, that we, you know,

00:02:11 --> 00:02:23

perhaps, you know, grew up with they, their minds are stimulated by digital sounds, the research has shown that digital images and digital sounds actually enhanced brain growth

00:02:24 --> 00:02:26

far quicker than,

00:02:27 --> 00:03:04

you know, other elements. Why? Because that's just the nature of something digital, it has the this, there's many more colors. In a digital image, there's many more sounds that make up a digital sound. So the mind is really relating to more complex matters, then the simplistic matters of the past. So by default, children develop far quicker and that's why it's not strange that we see a child saying, well, there's a machine that can suck up the milk and clean up the milk even if there isn't they can imagine it, they can fathom it. It's something plausible to them. And so when we say rebellious, it doesn't mean that our children question as more questioning more is a sign of the times there is

00:03:04 --> 00:03:09

something praiseworthy, right? Because, you know, that is the sign of the times, they have the ability to

00:03:10 --> 00:03:47

assess things, perhaps in a way better than we would have assessed these things. When we were younger, they have a tendency to ask questions, or the confidence that children have is probably at a level or rate that we didn't have when we were younger. And perhaps that that is also testament to the way we have brought up our children in many way. And also because of schools and nurseries. Now, we know that there's many systems that nurseries implement, and schools implement, which are advanced developed systems that didn't exist much before. So now Please don't misunderstand me when we say rebellious, he doesn't mean that rebellious entails them asking more questions, they're

00:03:47 --> 00:04:24

asking more questions is great. And one of the things we said earlier, is in terms of principles of parenting is having open communication and the ability to listen, let them speak, let them speak their mind, even if they speaking something that's total, that has really no bearing, but let them speak because that is you developing them to have confidence, right? If you look at the Sahaba of the Allahu anhu admiring the responsibility was placed on them at a young age. We see them we see the older companions bringing the younger companions to the gatherings of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam In fact, in one of the narrations Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam cited a

00:04:24 --> 00:05:00

riddle for the companions, and he wanted them to solve it. And even Omar, the young son of Romero, the Allahu, and he knew the answer to the riddle. And the answer was the day tree, right? But he kept quiet. So after the gathering when he walked off with his father, he told his father that I knew the answer to that question. It was the database or number of allowances. Why didn't you speak? Rubino proud moment for me? I mean, you know that my son answered the question as any parent would feel proud. And he said, but how could I have spoken with Abubakar was there and he said and you were there Michelle? This is great Terrell via this

00:05:00 --> 00:05:35

Great upbringing that the child had the presence of mind to control his emotion to speak, because of a valid reason of there being elders in the audience and there was no one to speak when not to speak. But the point to note is, they were taken to the gatherings of the adults. Today we take our children to gatherings of the adults as we do, and we see Mashallah they speak to the adults, they have conversations with the adults, sometimes the adults come to your home, they have a global conversation with your child than they would have with you. Right. So, and this is, as I said, a sign of the time. So now them speaking is not a sign of rebellion. But when I say that children are

00:05:35 --> 00:05:42

more rebellious today than they were before, it's through observation. I'm not saying it as something set in stone, is through observation.

00:05:44 --> 00:06:23

We, in many cases have dealt with children are more willing to be less forgiving of their parents than I can remember when I was a kid, they more they have more resolve to hold the grudge. Right, then perhaps we did with our parents, when we were children, if our children, our parents punished us, we might be upset about it. But it won't, it won't last and go on and on. And on. Children today, they're happy for it to go on. Children today are happy to still eat their parents cooking, live in their parents home, use their parents amenities whilst not talking to their parents, because their parents discipline them for something that requires discipline. That is just how it is today.

00:06:23 --> 00:06:57

So this is what I mean, when I say we live in in a time where children are more rebellious, perhaps it's a sign of the time again, I'm not saying all children, but I'm saying through observation in the cases that I've been in, I've seen this where I'm trying to reason with the child and say, Look, this is your parents, but somehow that resolve to be less forgiving is still there. And when I think about it, when I was growing up, or the children that I grew up with some of their parents in the audience today, some of the parents that I grew up with their children, we never sort of, you know, we were okay. We reasoned Well, that's our parents disco, say sorry, we go Say sorry, today, your

00:06:57 --> 00:07:38

child telecinco say sorry, you have to really pull out all the stops, you know, if you say sorry, I will give you this code and say sorry, I will buy you that come on. And then the child goes was such resistance and sorry, bye. So the egos are far bigger than they were, perhaps when we were growing up. Which means we need to be more sensitive to the situation. Right? We shouldn't shut down our children, let them speak. And keep that mode of communication open is a very great principle in parenting. And brothers and sisters, if they're not speaking to you, they'll be speaking to somebody else. Always notice their minds. If you don't fill it, somebody else will fill it, the TV will fill

00:07:38 --> 00:08:17

it, the neighbor will fill it the guidance teacher at school will fill it understand this is just the reality. I dealt at a case with someone in one of my travels, because they they were having genuine issues with the teachings of society and Islamic teaching and May Allah protect our children, you must understand, you know, when I think the topic was cited as a third world country, you know, third world country has some benefits in terms of your children's a man, they're not exposed to a lot of the things that the children the first world countries are exposed to, you know, all these isms, liberalism, modernity, all these isms that are coming about. Right. And they

00:08:17 --> 00:08:18

question some of the values of Islam.

00:08:21 --> 00:08:26

They question some of the values of Islam. It affects your child's Eman.

00:08:27 --> 00:08:48

I've come across teens who doubt Allah, teens who cannot believe Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said something or said this Howdy. This is the reality when you travel to other, quote unquote, world countries, right. And I just had a case of a person who was shouted down so much at home.

00:08:49 --> 00:09:22

Because they have these beliefs that are not conducive to Islam and the questioning Islam instead of the parents listening to them. The parents scolded the child and told the child to get back together refused to listen to the child. So the child started decided to address some of the scholars of the vicinity, the scholars would put the phone down on this person, yes, this person needed some character is some good character and how they spoke. They, you know, sometimes a lot of passion comes across the wrong way. So because they've fallen prey to the school environment, and some of the things that the school teaches with regards to God in the presence of God and value and values

00:09:22 --> 00:09:57

of the modern times. They were passionate about their beliefs because they were falling astray. May Allah protect, and they were questioning the Islamic beliefs in a passionate way, which was being understood as disobedience and disrespectful. So certain scholars would even put the phone on them. Right. Now what happened was I was teaching an actual program and they sort of got up and made a bit of a scene, to try and grab my attention to pay attention to these things that I was discussing a different topic for nonetheless, in my private cities with them, this is what I understood from them, that they were shouted down at home. They were shouted down by the scholars. So what did they

00:09:57 --> 00:10:00

go and do? They started speaking to the guidance teacher at school

00:10:00 --> 00:10:00

Who has an EN Muslim?

00:10:02 --> 00:10:38

They started seeking help with regards to their beliefs from Muslim non Muslims who know nothing about Islam. It's not even plausible in any academic circle, to try and learn something from somebody who knows nothing about it. But because they were treated this way, they lost the presence of mind that they started doing things which even say, meaning, common sense, doesn't agree with and what was happening, they were being fed for one year or two from people who are enemies of Islam anyway, they had me to put down the Islamic narrative and not try and find a plausible explanation to a Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. They happy to say, well, who says he was even

00:10:38 --> 00:11:07

a prophet? And this is the advice the hearing, who says the Quran is the Quran, the word of Allah. So you see what happens when parenting at home goes wrong? Or when you try and bring up your child, based on the upbringing you had in the past, when you're not sensitive to certain issues? Yes, you might have been shouted down in the past. But you never doubt your Eman or allow Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam. Today, if you're not sensitive to it, you lose your child, they could become a non Muslim when they get to the ages of independence and make decisions for themselves.

00:11:08 --> 00:11:28

Right. So I just wanted to clarify what I meant by rebellion. Anyway, let us dive into that famous topical favorite topic of ours, which is the terrible twos, the terrible twos, there's a positive thing. Did you know what the positive thing is? I always say that our two year olds teach us how to ask from Allah.

00:11:30 --> 00:11:54

Because when they ask the tension, they really want it. And that is how we should ask them why we should beg a line beggar and keep asking and not feeling shame. So there's always a lesson in everything. You know, so when I look at that, you know, but I wanted No, but I wanted though, but it's like this, no, but I need it. You know, the terrible to them, if they have some bad meaning if they if they have a very

00:11:55 --> 00:12:28

alpha attitude or alpha kind of demeanor, then they can even start screaming in the shop. Right? And kicking a fuss and making you red in the face because everyone's looking at you. That's what happens, right? But the positive side to it brothers and sisters is that we actually learned from them how we should ask them Allah subhanho wa Taala that we should be persistent in asking from Allah, how they are persistent. In asking, we should cry to Allah subhanho wa Taala and ask how they ask. In any case, before we start the the terrible twos.

00:12:30 --> 00:12:37

Does anyone have any questions based on the first session or the second session? I have some papers here, which I'll go to. But before we go into

00:12:38 --> 00:12:39

some of these more

00:12:41 --> 00:12:46

applicable matters in today's day and age, does anyone have any questions that they want to ask?

00:12:47 --> 00:12:50

And don't be kind to me? By keeping quiet?

00:12:55 --> 00:12:56

No, everyone's shy.

00:12:58 --> 00:13:04

So if your children are here, and they're watching you shy to ask, they'll also become shy to ask. So you're not being a good parent at the moment.

00:13:05 --> 00:13:07

Right? Okay. Let me just

00:13:12 --> 00:13:15

bring up a piece of information that I require.

00:13:22 --> 00:13:27

Why is the terrible to such a phenomenon, and it has its own heading and title and it's

00:13:29 --> 00:13:43

everyone knows about it, especially if you have children. And if you don't have children, you come to know about it. Why is it something that is documented as a subject in and of itself? Well, we must understand that the child's mind

00:13:44 --> 00:13:48

is constantly developing until you reach a peak in life. And

00:13:50 --> 00:14:03

great development happens at the age of two to three to four. As also, there are other developments that happen in a great way to our children when they reach puberty and hit their teens. Right.

00:14:05 --> 00:14:17

The changes later on in life are more volatile than the changes that happen at the age of two and three and four. But nonetheless, because of brain development, these things happen. The children begin to

00:14:19 --> 00:14:34

develop identities. And they also begin to develop an understanding that they have certain abilities, these things they didn't know before they hit these ages. Now. If you look at pediatricians, you look at doctors who specialize in

00:14:35 --> 00:14:59

matters pertaining to mental development of children, they have good documentation about actually what happens and they have cited for us certain tools that we can use to assist the turbulence that our life into when our children hit the age of two, and three and four. There's actually the American Academy of pediatricians that have I find they have a good piece

00:15:00 --> 00:15:03

On this, especially when they talk about why children hit

00:15:04 --> 00:15:35

something known as the terrible twos, they say strong emotions are hard for a young child to hold inside. And when they hit these ages, emotions become part and parcel of the development. And it's important we understand this. So we don't really say the child is rebellious, or is he's not behaving is just a case whereby the emotion has become something that they have understood is part and parcel of them. And now, they are sort of navigating the ability to deal with it, it's like if you give a child a vehicle, right, the child's doctor know how to drive that vehicle. So you know, well,

00:15:36 --> 00:16:13

until you teach them more, and give them nothing, give your children vehicles, by the way, it's just an example. Right? After much training, after much training, they will become better the child is going on, it's his his or her own journey. That's what's happening at the age of two and three, and four, the child is going through his or her own journey, this things happening that Allah causes to happen is the son of Allah, every child will go through it, some earlier some late and that's why I decided terrible twos between two and four. So they these changes are universal, no one can stop it, the child is dealing with it, they're going through a situation, right, they cannot understand why

00:16:13 --> 00:16:51

they do certain things, but they do it. And I think many parents here have practically seen this with their children, when you, you see a two or three year child all of a sudden is hitting, you've never hit your child, but your child now is hitting. And what happens is your child starts hitting people, and use that treating your child as if your child has become the shaper. And that's not the case, your child doesn't know better. And you will tell your child don't hit it's wrong, don't hit it's wrong, some parents punish the child. Right. And and and the child comes know that they're doing wrong, and you find the chance to hit him. But what will happen is the child will actually hit

00:16:51 --> 00:17:24

and start crying. Has anyone seen this, where your child actually does something wrong, they do it and they start crying. The thing is that they've done it because they couldn't control themselves. And now they crying because they know they did something wrong. And this is the reality where this is I'm just trying to water down the discussion. Because obviously this needs a whole day or two days in and of itself. But to try and give you a perspective of what's happening, your child is doing something that the child has no control of, yes, you've taught them it's wrong. They don't want to do it. But they did it. It's like a car that has a blown tire and is out of control. You

00:17:24 --> 00:17:33

don't want the car to smash that car or smash this car. But the track the car is on its own collision course, your 224 is on its own Collision Course. Think of it this way.

00:17:35 --> 00:18:11

When you understand it this way, you sort of stop hyperventilating. And this is the first important thing for parents because they hyperventilate. And what happens is you start exacerbating matters, you start the grandparents will start shouting at the parents, that you don't need you to teach your child teach your child to listen, maybe the parents have read a few books, and they're not bringing the child up as the grandparents brought up the children, right. It's just a different face. But then the grandparent, if you're living in the same home, the grandparents are hyperventilating, that affects the parents, not the parents are putting pressure on the child, you're eating your child's

00:18:11 --> 00:18:35

development, your child's brain is great. They have their own chemical balances that, you know, comes about with regards to their own development. What you don't want to do is add the stress, they already dealing with the stress of them being a two to three year old, dealing with the fact that they know my mama or my Baba or my mother and father or mommy and daddy, whatever you want to call, the parent doesn't like that I do this, but I've done it.

00:18:36 --> 00:19:13

And I've seen parents, when the child hits for example, now the parent is hitting the child, this is wrong. Because you basically it's not even sense it's nonsensical, doesn't make sense. Because you actually disciplining somebody who cannot help himself. You get what I'm saying? They can't help himself. You can't help even the sherea acknowledges that people who've lost their state of mind, we lift the rulings of the Sherry as someone who's mad Salah is not compulsory on them. Because what are you going to do say it's compulsory, if it's compulsory, and they don't think you're going to punish them, but they didn't have the ability to do it in the It doesn't make sense. Right? So the

00:19:13 --> 00:19:21

cheriya acknowledges people states, and this is a state brothers and sisters. Now, there are some tips that

00:19:22 --> 00:19:39

some a group or group of people who deal with children, association of nannies and pediatricians and so on and so forth are put together. I'm just going to cite this to you. It's not from me, it's from them, but I personally feel the tips that I'm going to share with you here or that I've put together I feel the decent tips and it's something for us to consider

00:19:40 --> 00:19:58

some of the ways to mitigate, mitigate rebellious two year olds, not because now they're rebellious because they want to because they can help themselves is by doing some of the following number one, limiting their choices, limiting their choices, right? So just like adults, children prefer having a choice.

00:20:00 --> 00:20:11

In the child's case, you may not be offering them great choices. But having a choice or any choice can mean the difference between a complete meltdown, which some terrible twos enter, or a more

00:20:13 --> 00:20:23

controllable situation where you can revive them much quicker, right? When they actually go into a coma, right? We don't see them on the floor in the shop, kicking and so on and so forth.

00:20:24 --> 00:20:38

So what do you say is a limit, you limit the choice now, they given some of the examples shed, for example is, for example, if the child won't move, right, then you give them the choice to go on on their own or be carried, that these are two options that you've been given.

00:20:39 --> 00:20:42

Okay? So and this is what everything, sometimes they want

00:20:44 --> 00:21:22

something, right, don't just say you're not having anything, you're not helping the situation, rather give them a choice, but limit the choice, right? Because you basically your job is to help them through the turbulence. It's like when a plane is going through turbulence, the pilot helps you by saying, fasten your seat belts, don't go to the laboratory, and so on and so forth. Right? They assist you through the pit, your job is to assist, you're trapped. You're not trying to change anything, this is just a natural state. Ideally, you do teach them good values, when they're out of, you know, this state where they've become succumb by this age that they in, right. And when the

00:21:22 --> 00:21:54

situation is normal, you're sitting with them, you feeding them, you're teaching them that, oh, my dear son, you mustn't eat people. It's not right. Allah doesn't like this. Would you like it? If people hit you? Yes. That you teaching them that at the right time. You don't want to teach them that when they're when human nature is taken over them. When Mother Nature has taken over them, that's not the right time. Your job then is to help them through the turbulence. How do you help them limit their choices that look, you're not going to stay on the flow, you're going to move. But there's only two ways you're going to move I'm going to carry you or you're going to walk yourself.

00:21:54 --> 00:22:35

This is one way. The other way to ensure that you assist them through this period is to establish regular routines. Keeping your children upon routine routine in terms of their feeding in terms of the sleeping in terms of the outing is very, very important brothers and sisters. Why? Because children out of routine are naturally agitated. two year old one year old four year old five year old six year old lack of routine is not conducive to the development. If they're going to get tired at the wrong time, they're naturally going to play up. So the best thing you can do is keep them especially during these ages on routine, meaning you want to avoid having the matters that instigate

00:22:36 --> 00:23:14

unwanted emotion coming into play. And you do that by keeping them upon a routine, feed them on time, let them sleep on time, let them play on time, don't sort of make them run their lives based on your timetable. And that's parenting. So you got to have some sacrifices, and I don't call them sacrifice, I call them investment. Because you're investing your child's gonna be a better child. As you know, if you make the necessary necessary changes in your life, a lot of parents a sacrifice, you know, having children is a sacrifice. Now it's an investment. Firstly, you worship Allah, Allah is going to give you a bigger paradise. Now nobody's sacrificing when they get a bigger paradise.

00:23:14 --> 00:23:49

That's investment. Let's be honest, if you put some money in, you get more back is that code charity is that good investment. That's investment. So don't treat parenting as sacrifice, it's investment allows going to reward you your agenda is going to get bigger you leave behind children who will practice your teachings you benefit from them in your grave. Also, you'll have a better child, if you sort of give up Sir, you know, some of your likes, you cut down those holidays. Maybe those nights used to enjoy those dinners with your husband. Let's get rid of that. Why? Because it's the child's time to sleep. Keep them on the routine. Or for example, you get a babysitter. But the last

00:23:49 --> 00:24:24

thing you want to do is make their life conform to your erratic timetable, where they must grow up upon the life that you have no brothers and sisters, that's being selfish. That's not being a parent. So most children thrive from having routines in their life. When daily life becomes random and chaotic. Children will often act out and throw tantrums routines helped make children feel safe and under control. Not having routines in your child's life is like it's like walking around with a behavioral time bomb. And I can tell you, right, I've come across some parents of Pamela who are so distraught being a parent because their child has hit the terrible twos and they just don't know how

00:24:24 --> 00:24:28

to manage it. Honestly, you find them so distraught, it's like

00:24:30 --> 00:25:00

honestly, because obviously every child is different. Some children, you know, they come out blazing. They're terrible twos is, is quantum terrible twos. Equity, terrible twos on steroids, you know, so, yes, some children have it. And some parents are so distraught, you don't want to be moving with a ticking time bomb. Right? And in the same breath, you want to be tipping around your two year old because you start thinking is the parent before long. Bye. Number three, always lead by example and we discussed this before. You may not recognize

00:25:00 --> 00:25:38

But your children observe your behavior intensity. Allah He they do. Have you not seen you in your children, the parents here. So now you see your child sitting and you think, Oh, I sit like that. That's like a mini me or how they eat. Honestly, parents who have bad manners on the eating table, I've seen the children eat like that. Really, you know, if you have a specific way of sitting, when your child hits two or three, you see the same thing happening, they sit like that. They speak like you they dress like you. You know, if you if you're going into a particular mirror to comb your hair, they will go into that particular mirror even though they're playing, but they will imitate

00:25:38 --> 00:26:03

the imitative by nature. This is this is how children are, by the way, brothers and sisters. They imitative by nature, is how Allah subhanho wa Taala has created them. That's a fact. And it's human nature. And you've seen today how companies spend millions and millions on putting somebody's face on a cereal box, that face is very ugly. But, you know, because he's famous, and he's a Sportster, and everybody, you know,

00:26:04 --> 00:26:24

likes him, if we put his face on the cereal box, everyone's gonna eat that cereal. It's just human nature. Children are imitative by default. If you argue with your wife, in front of the children, you see your child disrespecting your wife is not that your child disrespectful. But they think it's normal. They imitative by nature.

00:26:26 --> 00:26:43

If you wake up late, you don't bath quickly in the home, in your pajamas too late, like for the medicine as you want to get through the whole housework, and so on and so forth. And then you want to have a bath, your child sees that, by default, they will develop tendencies to not feel the need to back on time.

00:26:44 --> 00:27:09

And let's see, and when you in the terrible twos zone, children want to do what they want to do. They don't want to bust they don't want to buy. And if you don't have a routine in your life, why should they feel the need to borrow anyway? They should, why should they feel the need to have a routine is fine, but eight tomorrow and about 10? Right? The fact of the matter is you have no control in terms of how they think the body is developing, they will think these things so lead by example, right?

00:27:11 --> 00:27:26

The next thing is positive reinforcement. Brothers and sisters, this is something that's been cited. And this is important and positive. You know, when they train animals, they train through positive reinforcement when the animal does something to give the animal what the animal likes to eat. If you're training dolphins, you can fish, right?

00:27:27 --> 00:27:58

with children when they do when they good, reinforce that good in a positive way. reward them if the rewarding is in a positive way. And rewarding doesn't have to be by buying them something rewarding can be by you, you know doing something with them. You speaking to acknowledging them thanking them. Yes, yes. The only two? No, they don't say the only two they don't understand. So another problem with parents parents today. Parents want to teach their children something when it's too late.

00:27:59 --> 00:28:07

When it's too late, every time they too young leave them they too young leave them you know when the young girls are growing up, let them dress anyhow.

00:28:08 --> 00:28:14

I've even heard the parents say let them enjoy once they're young as the following the son is not enjoyable. What are you teaching that child

00:28:16 --> 00:28:27

you teaching their child to dress like that when they get to the age when even the Sherry I tells you at seven make them start observing Salah even though Salah is compulsory when they hit the age of puberty, some might hit it at 15.

00:28:29 --> 00:28:55

But at seven start and the Sahaba they took this hadith and they applied it to fasting as soon as they children could fast and make them fast. They say based on the hadith of Salah. Right? So why would you want your child to dress anyhow, your user, your daughter, your granddaughter, let them dress how they want and then we say in front of them, let them enjoy before they have to you know. So now you've already you think they don't understand anything? It's implanted in the subconscious?

00:28:57 --> 00:29:05

Would you want to be teaching them that following the sun is beautiful. And that is true enjoyment? Because let's face it, a Muslim enjoys in general, right.

00:29:07 --> 00:29:20

So positive reinforcement is is very important when you acknowledge them. You read you know you have a consistent response system. When they come through. They behave themselves in the shop that day, acknowledge it

00:29:21 --> 00:29:58

in a in a positive way reinforce what they don't take it for granted. And the oma does this in a big way today. Unfortunately, we haven't helped ourselves. You know, in the West, you got Islamophobia spreading like wildfire. And I've said it in the UK in Australia in many of the Western countries have been too because now Muslim communities are standing up. But sadly they have to react because they are not running the theme anymore. They are the people are running the theme. Right? They can do what they want and show Islam in a way that they please. Right. And other Muslims have to respond, respond, respond. Why? Because the Muslims didn't do what they should what they're doing

00:29:58 --> 00:30:00

now. 2030 years ago.

00:30:00 --> 00:30:35

2030 years ago, the Muslims in the country should have been integrating with the larger community, teaching the values of Islam, dressing like Muslims behaving like Muslim showing people what Islam really is. We didn't do that we were insulated. And you know what, we had an inferior, and inferiority complex with other cultures. That's what happened. Right? That's what happened well, and then think about it, there's a there was a book I was reading once, which was talking about the, the gap between the rich and poor divided in Denmark. And they said, it's one of the smallest in the world. And one of the reasons that they cite as the rich poor gap being so small, is that they have

00:30:35 --> 00:30:38

abolished this designer label culture.

00:30:39 --> 00:31:03

In this country, they've abolished it, because really, designer labels is the same thing, you just pay more because of a name. And let me tell you, Muslims, they pray to this culture as well. They pray to this culture, you could buy something similar, if not the same for less than given the excess money to charity, or use it in the therapy and development of your children. But rather, you fall into the culture.

00:31:04 --> 00:31:39

We have this inferiority complex. So we want to adopt other people's cultures instead of showing them the Islamic culture. So we didn't do any service to Islam. So now came those who are enemies of Islam. And they, they they project Islam in a poor way. And now we just have to react react. No, we're not like those people who do the bad things. Now, it's not like that. No, it's not like this. But whenever you whenever did you show your neighbor, the trees? Let's be honest, if you have a non Muslim parents, sorry, non Muslim neighbor, whenever did you show that neighbor, the true beauty of Islam. So when they switched on the TV, and they saw that, they said, You know what, this can be

00:31:39 --> 00:32:13

true. And I have enabled for so many years, they absolutely different? Surely, if Islam teaches what these people are saying, then my neighbor would be that, does that make sense? So positive reinforcement is important. Don't take it for granted. Coming back to the parenting context, when your child does behave, you take it for granted that they should be like that. And this is some of the styles of some of the parenting right where they say, the good, we must not talk about, because it should always be good. We only mentioned the mistakes, because that we have to fix that is wrong parenting positive reinforcement helps your your your your children through the terrible two phase,

00:32:14 --> 00:32:52

as well as shows that you're not taking them for granted. And they feel appreciated. And that is just part of human nature. Right? That when they feel acknowledged, the next time when they're slightly weaker, they will find it within themselves to produce that necessary not to enter the tantrum stage. Because they will remember the feeling they felt the last time when they didn't and how you are with them as a parent, and how happy that made them feel. So positive reinforcement is important. Also, the experts say we should encourage independence. So if you're trying to have complete control over your children, then you're doing it wrong. Right. And I think we've

00:32:52 --> 00:33:33

established this that a terrible too is under the law of human nature of Mother Nature, right? Or human nature. So you cannot control that narrative. Right. So a parent's job is to prepare their child for adulthood and independence. And independence is also exactly what your child wants. Right? It doesn't mean that they want everything they need. But in the same breath, we must also be receptive to that which they want. Right. And that is for you to consider. Also healthy eating habits, it helps children through the terrible two phases, you don't want to be firing them up on lollipops, and sweets and all the sugary stuff, they already have a situation that they're dealing

00:33:33 --> 00:33:47

with don't exacerbate the scenario by giving them the wrong foods that stimulate things that shouldn't be stimulated. Right. So you make them overactive. And even though they're tired, they still carry on and then they start acting up. And then tantrums come about

00:33:50 --> 00:34:29

how to deal with the terrible to temper tantrums. Some of the things have said is enforce reasonable consequences. And this also falls back to limiting the choices that we discussed earlier. Like for example, you are going to move it's either going to be carried or you're gonna walk by yourself. Right? What you're doing is you you reasoning with them, you acknowledging their ability to think and make a choice. And also you've told them that if you're not going to make a choice that one of these two things are going to happen to you. Right? So there's a consequence is not that you're going to be left and that everybody is a servant of your tantrum. Does that make sense? So enforce

00:34:29 --> 00:35:00

reasonable consequences. If your child throws a temper tantrum, then, for example, take away a toy for a period of time or physically remove them from the situation, right? They could be at a party, for example, they don't want to leave that party, but a positive consequence could be taking them out of that environment. Right. It will help them also don't give in. Don't give in whether you like it or not temper tantrums or not. Well, let me say I'm not let me rephrase it. temper tantrums are gradually

00:35:00 --> 00:35:08

matches. In order grudge match is like a boxing match between two people, it's you against your child, if you've given you've been knocked out.

00:35:09 --> 00:35:23

And what happens, the child says, well, the harder I cry, the harder they fall. And you don't want that to happen. Because that makes them more persistent tantrums lasts longer. When the child believes that it works.

00:35:25 --> 00:35:26

They believe that it works they carry on.

00:35:27 --> 00:35:41

So the next time you decide to be more resistant, they will carry on, they'll scream and perform for a longer period because they know it works. I want the last time, so you never ever want to give him also you should stay in control.

00:35:43 --> 00:36:14

I've seen many parents get sucked into the the the attention of the child, they actually lose a sense of who they are, they become embarrassed, you become embarrassed now you're thinking how people are looking at me, you in the shop, you lose control of yourself, right, and then you act in a way that you normally wouldn't. The reason why you didn't say is because now you sort of part of public perception. And it's the perception that's governing how you react. So you don't want to lose control. At the end of the day, it's parenting. And you have to be a parent in every environment, right. So never get sucked into the out of control behavior.

00:36:16 --> 00:36:23

That happens and depending on your situation, you need to manage yourself. And as I said, this is a topic that needs a day in and of itself.

00:36:25 --> 00:36:58

One of the tips to help get through the tantrums is to be consistent brothers and sisters. Be consistent in how you deal with the matter. It shouldn't be one day you deal with it in this way, the other day, you deal with it in a different way. The other day, you let them be, you know you tired today, so just let them be just let get put put the TV on for them. I'm tired. No, you can't do that. You got to be consistent can be, you know, today, I'm not in a more in the mood of being a parent. So I'm just going to give in, you're not doing yourself any favors. And you're not doing your child any favors, right? So as I said,

00:37:00 --> 00:37:39

terrible twos is part of Mother Nature, your job is to help them through the turbulence, you cannot control it, but you can mitigate harm. And you can assist them in getting through that turbulence in the best way possible. Okay, brothers and sisters, sadly, our time has come to an end, I wanted to go into some discussions pertaining to teens. But time does not permit. But I will share a couple of important points regarding teens that you should consider that I think is conducive for Zimbabwe as well. And that point is related to responsibility brothers and sisters. You know, we need to raise our children in a responsible way.

00:37:42 --> 00:38:20

We should all raise our children in such a way where we mother and father them until the day they get married and even after they get married them you know, fine, they don't feel the need to be responsible, they live with us and so on and so forth. We take care of everything. We mother and father them forever. No, you need to create responsibility. Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the first ambassador of Islam was Mousavi. Mousavi Ahmed was from the youth. And when the people of Medina said send us a teacher, he said Musab even Omar, he didn't send Abubakar. He didn't send Omar, he didn't send the senior giants that were with him at the time. He sent a young boy. Right?

00:38:21 --> 00:38:21

It wasn't,

00:38:23 --> 00:38:59

you know, a few times risk it was a it was a calculated risk, right? Because there were other positives that employed Musab being the chosen product because also he was brought up in a family of affluence and the people of Medina were were younger people, right? So a young person coming through, they would relate to him better. Also, he had memorized most of revelation at the time, if not all, so he was the right teacher to go across. But the point you notice Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam didn't back out from sending him back. We do today with our children. We must have them and follow them to such an extent that they have no responsibility. They don't. They're not

00:38:59 --> 00:39:37

responsible with wealth. They're not responsible in making decisions, because we've never given them never made them feel the weight of responsibility when making a decision. This is not good for the teens. Absolutely not. Right? You know, rather than make mistakes when we are alive than making mistakes after we pass away. I know many a parent is scared to give them the weight of responsibility because they don't want the child to make a mistake was their life. You don't want to go through that situation where you have to deal with you know, many parents, they stay sterile romanticize the children, they see them in this like this flowery kind of picture. And we don't want

00:39:37 --> 00:39:59

anything to affect that picture. So subconsciously we protect them to such a degree that is not even conducive to them. It's it's our parenting is retrogressive, right? Because we don't want them to make a mistake whilst we are alive and really they should be making mistakes when you are alive because you are the most desperate for them to succeed. You are the most sincere advisor they have is you

00:40:00 --> 00:40:04

Educate them if you are there to pick them up when they fall, there's no one better than

00:40:06 --> 00:40:42

Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam let us have a practice. He had personal reasoning in fifth views whilst he was alive. He didn't say, No, no, no, don't do it. I'm alive. You asked me and I'll get revelation and then the answers will be there. He let them practice after fudger. He would ask them who saw a dream, somebody would say, this is the dream I saw. He tells the companions who wants to try interpreting the dream, give them responsibility, let them make mistakes, and they did make mistakes. And he would tell them a softer ba, ba, ba, ba Ba, they were correcting parts and you are wrong in parts. Let me correct the parts that you are wrong in. He would do this. And this is what

00:40:42 --> 00:41:19

made them able after he died to look into the Quran and Sunnah and extract views. Imagine if they were shifty and jittery. It's a big deal to try and, and tell people what Allah has said after the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has died, who didn't do that, right. But he trained them and gave them the confidence to do so because he allowed them to stretch their wings while he was alive. This was his way sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he allowed them to participate in the battle as teens, even Omar Abdullah Omar says, I asked him to participate in better and he said no, when I was 14, and he offered when I was 15. And he said, Yes, I could. So as teens, they were given

00:41:19 --> 00:41:42

responsibility. Now, I'm not saying when you travel, give them the passports and the money. And let's say you do that. And you say, No, I attended this talk on one Sunday. And we were told give me responsibility. Now look, he's lost everything. No, I'm saying give a responsibility to them that's conducive. We're slowly but surely, they also grow the independence as teams growing up, others insist it's important. You cannot raise your youth pampered.

00:41:43 --> 00:41:46

They don't have they don't feel responsible in learning about Islam.

00:41:47 --> 00:42:12

And this is something prevalent in Zimbabwe today. How many youth are frequenting the masjid and frequenting talks? Let's be honest. It's, I don't blame them. I'm talking to the parents today. Have you made them feel the weight of responsibility about learning about their Deen? No. Have you made them feel the weight of responsibility of the grave? No. Have you made them feel the weight of responsibility of standing in front of a lawn that they have? No.

00:42:14 --> 00:42:36

Again, I'm not being oppressive and saying that's across the board. But let's talk about the majority of circumstances. This is how it is. This is present day. We spoke earlier of how fuzzy you all are when it comes to lending Islam. So what do you expect of your children? Right? We've not made them feel the weight of these things. We've made them feel the weight of being homeless in St. Louis. So we put them in schools and made them study.

00:42:37 --> 00:42:54

all we've done is made them live for today, without living for tomorrow, when we have the potential of living for today and tomorrow because of La ilaha illAllah. Muhammad Rasul Allah, so you have done a great disservice to the Kenyan man. And the fact that Allah chose you to be a Muslim and a follower of Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,

00:42:55 --> 00:43:23

you've done that disservice. Because you are raising a people to live their lives as non Muslims live their lives. They go to school as they go to school for the certificate. They go to the gym as they go to the gym, to lose weight. No Islam is to be a healthier Muslim, because Allah loves the stronger Muslim more than the weaker one. Because this body has is an Amen, Allah will question it on the day of the AMA. This is parenting, right? The first teachers, but you brought them up to live like everyone lives.

00:43:25 --> 00:43:29

And you haven't taught them the responsibility of La ilaha illAllah Muhammad Rasul Allah.

00:43:30 --> 00:44:06

And I know we call it mothering and fathering our children. But we shouldn't even call it that. Because if you really, if you truly mother and father them, then you wouldn't shy away from making them feel the weight of these responsibilities at conducive times in their life and allowing them to make the mistakes and holding the hands up through the mistake. Today, what happens in many a parent when the child is on drugs, now we raise the alarm bells, we run into the chef and the mowlana. This is what my son is doing. And he's like this, and she's like this, and we blame and blame and blame. But we forget that every action or every action has a reaction and the action wasn't conducive, so

00:44:06 --> 00:44:40

the reaction wasn't conducive. No child is born. And the first day out of his mother's stomach says I'm going to be a drug dealer. Let's be honest. He they become like that. And as we said here in the Hadith, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that every child is born upon fitrah. And it's the environment of the home that makes them Judeo Christian or if I worship the Messenger of Allah saying this, have you made them feel the responsibility of dressing properly? That you know this dress of yours will be questioned about it on the day of the AMA? Have you made them feel the responsibility of being diligent with their wealth that allow will question you about this wealth.

00:44:41 --> 00:44:59

every cent you spend, and every cent you earn allow us to question you about it. So that they became diligent and fell responsibility when they did things or was it a case where you gave them a car and then they want the disk or Friday night or somewhere in Avondale in mixed gatherings who knows what on the weekend.

00:45:00 --> 00:45:03

Because you never taught them the responsibility of the gift that you gave them.

00:45:05 --> 00:45:12

You reduced parenting to provision of financial standing and material well being. Anyone can do that brothers and sisters.

00:45:13 --> 00:45:18

Anyone can do that. So you know, perhaps inshallah, next time we get together, we can,

00:45:21 --> 00:45:57

you know, talk about teams, and so on and so forth. As I said, this whole topic is a long topic, I'm just here, provoking thought, that's what I'm doing. And I said this, from the beginning, everything shared is thought provocation that you can now go home, benchmark yourself against some of the titles that were said, and let's not stop, I'll give you my details right into me Can mature the discussion, we can discuss things I'm not saying I'm the best in this. But I'm sharing whatever Allah has made easy for me to share from what I've read, and from my own experiences. And if I can't help, I will find inshallah I promise to try and gain the answers that you search for from my

00:45:57 --> 00:46:23

teachers and people who inshallah can shed better light. But please, please, please understand, this course is only about provoking thought, you need to go home and do the hard work now. You need to go home, switch off your mobile phone, have a break from your children, share, tell the husband to take care of the child for a few hours, and then vice versa. And you go into a quiet room and ask yourself that allows them to ask me about how good a parent I wasn't.

00:46:25 --> 00:46:27

how good a parent am I actually

00:46:28 --> 00:47:02

go and ask yourself that. Don't let chef on put you on the hamster wheel where you're running, running, running, but you're going nowhere. And you think I'm okay. Right? Because you look out and you still greenery around you. So you say, you know it's I'm still in the city is still good, right? It's good because you're not moving anyway. Right? is good, because you're not moving anyway. The only time you go to know is when someone tells you a knock you on the shoulder say you know you're on a hamster wheel without really moving you. It's like you're on a treadmill. Right? So go and be brutally honest with yourself, be a brutal judge and jury and make the changes that you need. This

00:47:02 --> 00:47:27

is not the topic for you to check the path of leniency and making excuses for yourself. Okay, this happened. But But remember, we spoke about but now, if you're wrong, you're wrong, make the changes. If your children are old, phone them up, acknowledge that I should have said this to you. I didn't say this to you. I'm telling this to you now. So that perhaps they don't make that mistake with their children. And this is from you being sincere with Allah subhanho attack.

00:47:28 --> 00:47:47

No one here can say they haven't made any mistakes in bringing up their children. And no one can say they are not making mistakes now, bringing up the children. Right. So brothers and sisters, please take heed in any case. Everything correct said is from Allah subhanho wa Taala. And he's perfect at any mistakes of myself and SharePoint and I see colossal panic attacks forgiveness.

00:47:48 --> 00:48:08

Perhaps next year when I'm back in Zimbabwe, I wouldn't have requested a Youth Day We could do that or a youth weekend. We could do something like this, where I have an actual chance to sit with the actual teenagers or youth of Harare, Zimbabwe, the US for the day actually suggested a sleepover and a two day thing.

00:48:09 --> 00:48:27

Which is more hands on because as I said, you know, parenting developing, these things don't happen overnight. It's a long term process. And the best thing we can do in seminars such as this is create a relationship with each other. And then we can build on from that relationship. There's some questions that we have here what I will do is I will

00:48:28 --> 00:49:06

answer them via email and then I can email them out. I'm sure everyone's registered the email addresses here if you haven't, please do so. So that you can receive the email as well also have recorded the session and the links will go out to you all via the email as well. So if you haven't, please visit Tywin Tim and drop your email address so that you can have access to the recordings as well when they are released. Brothers and sisters last but not least, please don't feel depressed smile hamdulillah you still alive and as I said Allah bless you to come here and learn something there's other people who could have come but didn't come and if allowance goodness for you He opens

00:49:06 --> 00:49:44

the doors and he has hamdulillah it's not the end of the world as long as we breathing we have a chance to return to Allah always we all breathing what let him extend to Allah seek forgiveness. Allah forgives all sins, there's nothing that Allah doesn't forgive. When you tend to sincerely once you alive tend to align hallelujah lilac diligence with my children Please forgive me for that. Don't make it be a burden for me on the deaf try and assist me with that which I need to rectify the situation and make it better and and believe that you forgiven don't ask Allah and doubt right, one of the greatest acts of worship is having good hope in Allah Krishna one many of us don't worship

00:49:44 --> 00:49:59

Allah this way in having good hope in Allah. You know we foster my van and we we hope in a negative way that Ramadan is accepted I say hope in a positive way. Say that no inshallah Allah has accepted it because Allah is with us as we perceive Allah if you proceed

00:50:00 --> 00:50:32

less forgiving, if you perceive him as accepting, if you perceive him as merciful, he will be like that with you in sha Allah sallallahu wasallam about a Canon the Vienna mahamadou Allah and he was operating mines panel they will be having these Anika lahoma will be having declared a shadow La La Land as the Furukawa to be like mela subhana wa tada make us the best parents and gather us with our children in the highest genda next to Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, on the day of the AMA, I mean, some things come to mind very quickly. And that is the ayah. In the Quran, Allah says that

00:50:33 --> 00:50:37

those who believe and their offspring follow them.

00:50:39 --> 00:51:16

Allah will gather between the parents and the children in general. So if the if the if the parents at a lower level, and the children have a higher agenda, Allah will raise the parents to the higher agenda. So they be with their children in general. And vice versa. If the parents are in level six, for example, and the children level to a level, raise the children so that they will be together in general because Allah generally is all about happiness. And, you know, we spoke about the relationship between parents and children, Allah knows this, Allah knows that, you know, you'll be truly happy in general if you with your loved ones. So Allah will give you ultimate happiness by

00:51:16 --> 00:51:27

joining between father and son, and mother and son and father and daughter and mother and daughter. So another reason for you to go full out in ensuring that your children get the highest gender

00:51:57 --> 00:51:58

because I cannot

00:52:01 --> 00:52:04

obviously, I considered the gift having the opportunity to address

00:52:06 --> 00:52:12

your, you know, it's a great act of worship Xochimilco, heroine and, and charity begins at home. And I know

00:52:13 --> 00:52:18

that I have very little work here in Zimbabwe, because I'm based outside.

00:52:19 --> 00:52:59

So it's always a great opportunity to give back to the community. So I am indebted to Ivan for the couple of opportunities that they've created. Yes, we have opportunities to speak in the masjid. But this is a style I prefer, I think, sincerely, that we need to develop ourselves as Muslims, we need to grow our learning abilities, stop listening to talks that always talk about what and start listening to talks that discuss why and how that's the only way we're going to get better. It's easy to listen to something we've heard before. And what she often does, he makes us feel happy that we listening to the talk, we run to the talks that tell us what we need to go to the talks that need us

00:52:59 --> 00:53:23

to think a little bit and those are the talks that discuss why and how and I believe those talks cannot happen in a 45 minute musty talk or half an hour mushy tokuyama goodbye talk. It needs to happen in in seminars, and workshops. So this is my preferred style. And I will indeed has allowed me the opportunity to do that in this style here. So does that know him for the opportunity bar club come to you on as well as the community of Harare Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

Share Page

Related Episodes