Social Justice – Episode 27 – Framing How Rights Work in a Marriage

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Omar Suleiman

Channel: Omar Suleiman

Series:

Topics: Hadith,Marriage

Episode Notes

Hadith #27 – Framing How Rights Work in a Marriage | 40 Hadiths on Social Justice

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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All right, welcome to Labor Council.

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Now, Mr. Heyman hamdulillahi Rabbil alameen wa lalani. Meanwhile, Arqiva to him attacking la masala cinema vatika, avocado, silica, Mohammed and sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. And he was he was the Olympus, Seaman kathira. So, just from the very beginning, if I could ask, if anyone sees the children get in the room behind me, if someone could just be a good samaritan, and run back there and not hurt them, but just bring them out in Shell, so that I can. I know last week, we talked about kindness to children, but we also need to make sure that we

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keep keep the halaqa moving smoothly.

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Tonight, we are going into, we're continuing in the discussion of REITs. And we're continuing the discussion of REITs within the family realm in particular, and tonight's probably the trickiest one of them all. It's the right of cycle.

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It's the right of no one heard him though he's cute, my friend. It's the right, the rights within the marital relationship. So the rights between spouses. Now as you all know, there are many classes on the topic of love and, and marriage and things of that sort, she has to readjust obviously teaches his class as well. And you always have to offer like 200 disqualifiers, before you make any statement in regards to the rights of the husband, or the wife or the rights of the wife, or the husband. So I'm not even going to attempt to give you all a complete

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handbook and manual as to how the rights function between a husband and a wife, however, we can look at the frames that were given to us by the prophet subtle lohani with some of the basic rights and then from those frames, we can build upon the spirits of the sooner in regards to these rights. I also want to make something very clear that every one of these once again, speaks to the general situation, there are nuances. There are exceptions. And a lot of times those are not taken into consideration in a heartbeat. That's one sentence. But they are supposed to be general rules that we that we govern our lives by that we govern our families by that we govern our societies by so last

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week when we talked about children. You know, there were a few questions that came after that. What if one child does this and one child does that they're always going to be those what ifs, but at the same time again, we're looking at the frames that are given to us by the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. So how did Islam conceptualize the rights within a marriage? It starts off with a hadith that's narrated by Maria Elko shady or the Allahu taala. And, and we're going to talk about the rights of the wife and the rights of the husband and then how that all comes together in the discussion of the prophetic tradition. Where are we?

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At what the law of title and we said I went to the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and I asked the Prophet sallallahu wasallam

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Mata Paul mantequilla Feeny sorry now what what do you say about our women? What do you say about our wives? How are we supposed to understand the relationship between that way the way the way the way that we Oh, sorry.

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I need to have someone playing bodyguard now. Sorry.

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All right. It's funny, I never make an announcement about the backroom but today, everyone's mess with me with the backroom. Okay, he went ahead with me so he gets a pass. So where was I?

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don't even remember what I was saying. What do we say about our women? What do we say about our wives? Okay. So when he asked the Prophet sly some that question he was asking the Prophet sly some that question in regards to particularly how we conceptualize or you know, rights or What rights do they have upon me? Now the prophets lie, some uses strong language here, and that's from the wisdom of the Prophet slicin. When he's speaking to a person he understands the intent of the question. So it's a very simple question. So the Prophet size some could have said simply show them excellent show them excellence, but the profit slice them understands the spirit of that question where that

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question is coming from. And so he addresses it with very strong language. He says, some Allahu wa sallam ultimately, Mohan amotekun give them food from what you have for yourself meaning the same thing that you provide for yourself, you should provide for them. What Suhana mingma Tic Tac Toe soon and you clothed them, not with the same thing that you clothe yourself but with the same quality of clothing that you clothe yourself meaning that provisions should be in the same way that you would want to be provided for. And then he said sallallahu alayhi wa sallam went out totally war hunter Walla Walla took to come behind. So when I told him ohana means don't hit them. Okay, well, I

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had to come be who, when, when to come the human means don't revile them, don't belittle them. So it's not just the physical abuse piece, but it's also emotional abuse. So again, what were the four things that he mentioned?

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Food, clothing,

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Hitting and reviling. Okay, so food clothing. And then he mentioned some of lahardee, who was selling physical abuse or emotional abuse to ruin. So use really strong languages that are decent Buddha would, speaking to this man understanding what the nature of that question was, and he could have given, it was a very simple question. He didn't say, oh, messenger of Allah, what rice does my wife have upon me in regards to food, clothing? And in regards to our arguments, how do we deal with arguments, but the Prophet slicin, I'm always understood when giving advice who he was speaking to. And that's one of the most beautiful things about the way that the son of functions in this regard,

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and a lot of times that's lost in the text, right? It's lost in reading the simple Hadith. But it speaks to how we also deal with rights. And we also deal with these discussions, if I'm speaking to someone who I sense that there is an anger issue or there's tuxie. If there's deficiency in the way that they treat somebody, then I'm going to go above and beyond to make sure that that person understands that the deficiency is unacceptable. Okay. Now, so how do we deal with this? And why do we start with a hadith about the rights of the wife or the husband? Because Allah subhana wa tada says, Well, hoonah Mithra lovey la hin Dilma roof, and to them when a hoonah to them, who's he

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speaking to who was hoonah men or women basic Arabic lesson to the women, when 100 or for the women, Mifflin, la de la hiner for women is like that which is upon them, Bill roof in regards to that which is reasonable and unkindness, for them is like that which is upon them. So they're in and out of Tafseer mentioned that a loss of parents I mentioned the rights of her and then the rights of him. And he put those rights in the same category, not in regards to the technicalities, there are going to be some differences, we're going to see in the technicalities of what those rights are, but in general, that a person should treat their spouse as they would hope to be treated by their

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spouse. And that's how we define those rights and obligations unless there is something that is exceptional in regards to those rights and obligations as a relates to either spouse. I've been Kathy Rahim Allah to Allah, He commented on that. He says, What 130 minute happy mythical malleability. Are they hidden upon them, or what belongs to them have rights from their husbands is like that, which is due to them do from them to their husbands. But you add the cooloola Jiminy hoonah theory. Now you have barley, Hebrew Maru, or mariachi, barley, Hebrew maruf, I'm sorry. So let everyone treat the other person or give to the other person, what they would hope to receive in

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return, Bill maroof. Bill maroof means it has two connotations, by the way, it means according to that, which is customary, and it means in kindness, okay, according to that, which is customary, meaning there is a standard, and that standard might change through time and place. So you look to that standard, and you fulfill that standard in kindness. All right. And the word Villa roof is used a lot when it comes to these ions and these ideas in regards to the marriage because so many of these things change over time and place. And you should always look to roof you should always look to that which is customary, and that which is standard, when you're determining these things, and

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recognize that and so that you treat these rights and these obligations within that standard. And there's a narration about abasto, the Allahu taala and who narrated by Nkrumah,

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the ambassador, the allowance Allah and who used to as he was about to enter into his home. He used to beautify himself, and what that you know, what that means he used to fix himself up before he would enter into the house. And so people would see him as he was about to enter into the house, getting himself all cleaned up and ready. Whereas usually, you go into the home, and that's where, you know, you kind of let it you let yourself down. Even I bustled a lot of time who was getting ready to enter into the house, whereas most people get ready to exit the house. And so people would see him and he's not just any I mean, he's not just this young. You know, this young, insignificant

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companion, this is the scholar of the oma, this is the teacher of the nation, the teacher of the nation of Mohammed, Salah lahardee was someone This is a significant person. And he's a scholar, he's looked at with a lot of respects when they see him going into his house, getting himself ready to get into his house, you know, putting some some cologne on himself combing his hair, combing his beard, making sure he's all set up to enter into his home. They would laugh at that. And so he mentioned to them he says in New hibou and at ASEAN, he says, I like to embellish myself or beautify myself, or my wife just as I like her to beautify herself for me, and then he says the unknown

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La Jolla cool well ohana Mithra, la de la hindenberg maroof. And then he quoted the verse because Allah says, and upon them is like or for them is like that which is upon them. And he mentions in some of these narrations as it goes along that even I busted the law and who said that on the Day of Judgment, Allah with each would ask each person about their rights and obligations towards one another. And you want to make sure that you have these categories, you have that which is due upon you, and that which is due to you, you want to always make sure that you're crossing you're going above and beyond that, which is due upon you. And you are not too demanding of that which is due to

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you. That doesn't mean you accept harm. Now, da da, da, da, da da, once again, the multiple qualifications, there's no harm or reciprocating harm, but you are more forgiving with that which is due to you, and you excel in that which is do upon you. And he said that if you do that, meaning if you cross in that, in that gap, there is that which is due upon you and that which is due for you, and if Allah made them, when 100 mithila de la hinda. And to them is like that which is upon them, then you want to make sure that you're crossing in this direction, not that direction, meaning you're excelling with that which is due upon you and you are forgiving with that which is due to

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you. Because who fills the gap on the Day of Judgment, who compensates on the Day of Judgment, that gap. A lot compensates the gap. That doesn't mean he has to punish the other person. That just means that Allah is the one who compensates generosity with generosity, forgiveness with forgiveness, right. And Allah subhanho wa Taala is the one who shows mercy to those that are most merciful. So basically, what he's saying is that I want to go above and beyond for her. So that if there's a discrepancy, then that discrepancy would be in my favor and not against me, not that I want her to get punished, but that I want a lot to reward that generosity. Does that make sense? concept? All

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clear? We're good. Okay. hamdulillah. I think we're done now. All right. Now let's get into the technicalities. inshallah, so we started off with the,

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with the rights of the wife, the technical or the material rights of the wife. The first one that is always mentioned in our classical books is spending the profit slice and I mentioned food and clothing to provide for, for the wife. Now, this means acceptable food, clothing and expenses, according to odor according to that which is customary. The prophets lie. Some did not say if he would have said that, you know, a husband is supposed to provide for his wife X amount every single month. And that would cause major problems because of the way that time and place differs. So instead of the Prophet size, I mentioned bid maroof. And what's the practical example of that? And

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or that provision, obviously, it's the obligation of the husband to spend upon the wife and his son, it's excellence from the wife to spend upon her husband or suspend upon the household as well. And that's why in the questions of Zipcar, for example, a husband cannot give the car to his wife. But guess what Xena, the wife of Abdullah and Massoud asked permission to give her the car to her husband.

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So, because the obligation is upon the husband in this regard, and the sun the excellence is upon is upon the wife to spend as well on the household. Now what happens when a husband is not providing and being stingy with it not that he's going through difficult times was being stingy with his wealth. This is where the hadith of hinze coming to the Prophet sallallahu wasallam and complaining about Abu sufian comes into play. Now, keep in mind here and this is significant to me because this is also lost in text. hynd is a woman that ordered the murder of one of the most beloved people in the world to the prophets lie Selim and mutilated him who was the

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Amazon of the lavon. Hynde when she was the enemy of the Prophet slice on them, ordered the murder of Hamza, okay, and cut Hamza's body up and chewed his liver It was a disgusting

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way to disgrace the body of one of the most beloved people to the profit slice and the profit slice him cried over Hamza, like he cried over no one else, his beloved uncle, who was also the same age as him so it was like a brother to the profit slice alum as well. But the profit slice on forgave her. After the conquest of Mecca, she she came to the Prophet slicin she sought forgiveness. And here is hint, who is coming to the Prophet sly Solomon telling the Prophet slicin them that my husband is stingy with me. Now, this shows you that the prophets license kindness justice were not interfered with with the past the prophets lie some of them tells her that if he is stingy with you,

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then take from him what suffices you and your children build that roof in accordance with that which is reasonable take from him meaning without his

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permission, that which is sufficient for you and for your children. So he didn't say, you know, don't talk to me and you know, just deal with it. And you've got enough of a past you need to go through poverty to do cafardo. To expiate, for everything you've done in the past. prophets lie, Selim saw the injustice that was being done during that regard and told her, then you can take matters into your own hands. Now, what does that mean for practical purposes? Because bid maroof that which is reasonable,

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is, again, very subjective. Okay. And it's intentionally subjective, because it requires someone who's objective to determine who's being subjective with it. I think I lost you guys. All right.

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Vilma roof, Elma roof is subjective on purpose, everyone is going to define reasonable differently. So what happened in the case of hints

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that she not go to someone who would help her with her situation, who would give her first word judge in her situation, that it was unreasonable the way that her husband was withholding from her therefore, you can take from him she did. So some of the scholars said that in this situation, it's still a woman should still ask someone, you know, ask a scholar, ask a judge or whatever it may be, who's in that capacity? Whether or not she's justified in that taking.

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And the humbly position, the positioning, Rahim Allah, is the most lenient in that regard. Because he said, basically, whoever is in that, in an identical situation, can apply it without the judicial process, if you will. But even then, a person should fear a loss of Hannah Montana and not go to extravagance not exceed the balance. And you know, some of the scholars have seen this within fatawa, obviously, that some of the scholars mentioned this, or take the humbly position in this regard, especially when there's a fear of harm, or there's something that could come out of that. So a woman can in that situation take it's not stealing in that case, if she's in that identical

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situation. But then, of course, a person should exercise as much prudence as much Tough luck as possible. In that case, it's better at the end of the day, if someone else could be asked what is reasonable, what's not if someone who's objective in that regard, is consulted. So that's how the scholars dealt with the issue of provision. Housing, did not have the right to a second the right to a house. The famous Hadith of the Prophet slice Salaam Jamar Marcelo Shabaab, oh, young man minister part I'm in komova. Elliot, so which whoever amongst you can afford to do so let him get married, the technical definition of what the means are whoever has the means to get married are is according

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to Josie Rahim Allah, the ability to provide a individual or a private home or, or living arrangement as well as provide reasonably in food, and in clothing. That's how they defined it from a technical perspective. So what does that mean in regards to,

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you know, other people living within the home, it is the right of a woman to ask for her own private living arrangement. That's a right so anything that would go beyond that, I know that there are sometimes difficult situations that come up, that should be done in consultation with her and it should not be forced upon her, she should have the right to ask for that private living arrangement. Or not be in that private living arrangement. Obviously, there are times where, you know, you have elderly parents, or there are times where someone has to be, you know, to live there for some sort of extraneous situations. But in that case, it's still her happy. So she's showing axon she's

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showing excellence. If she does to NASA, if she withdraws from that particular right, the right to intimacy as a scholar, as mentioned, I know that that's something that typically and I'll get to the man, typically we when we think about intimacy, we think about as the right of men, not the right of women, but the scholars in the very from the center, even from the pious predecessors spoke openly, from the philosopher about the right of the woman to intimacy, as well that she should not be held in a situation where she is not where she's not being provided that intimacy from her husband. And this shows you how filters organic because you're from a jurisprudence perspective, because it's not

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defined within the Sharia within the Hadith. Different scholars have different lines of reasoning when they determined how long or when a husband must make himself available to his wife. So some said every once every four nights, some some mentioned at least once a month. So there are different scholars that spoke about it. And they use different forms of class different forms of analogy to determine what does availability mean in that situation, and each of the scholars tried to do their best to exercise that reasoning. But generally speaking, a woman also cannot be denied by her husband, as we know is one of the reasons

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of the husband upon the wife from a technical perspective. Now what about the emotional rights? It goes back to to be who, when not to, or whether to have the profit slice I mentioned, don't be little, don't mock, don't, don't harm in the emotional sense as well. There are too many examples to mention here from the life of the Prophet slicin them seriously. And I'm not just saying that in some extravagant form of praise of the Prophet sly settlement, he is always worthy of that praise, it is lots of fun, because his character truly shines in all of these different instances. But if you just think about the sensitivity of the profit slice on to his spouses in regards to their

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emotional well being as well.

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So when he tells me, he shall be alone, and I can tell when you're upset with me, because, and she says, How do you know when I'm upset with you? And he says, because when you're upset with me, you swear, beat up the Brahim by the Lord of Abraham. And when you're pleased with me, you swear by the Mohammed in the name of the Lord of Mohammed. So he's saying I could tell when you're upset with me, he's paying attention to that, right. And he's showing that kindness to her that going above and beyond with her to show her that love. And there are so many different examples of that. When we look at the profit slice, I'm paying close attention to detail and making sure to always show that

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love in that consideration. So that goes beyond the realm of rights. When I saw the Alona wanted to see the Abyssinian war dances in the masjid. And the Prophet slice them took her and she put her her head on the shoulder of the profits license, and she watched and the profits and it took a long time and profits license that are you satisfied? She said, No, not yet. And they said, Are you satisfied? She said, No, not yet. And time went on. She said, Okay, now, now I'm good. That's not a matter of how it's not a judicial, right, like the profits license did not say, Well, according to the divine revelation, you have five minutes

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to watch this. And then after five minutes, that's it. I've done my right by you. It's not about rights here, it's about my son, it's about showing that love and that care to, to the spouse, also, when the Prophet slicin stopped the entire army to find a necklace that belonged to a shuttle the a lot of time, and it's not the right of our he said to demand that the profits license stops the entire army because she can't find a necklace. But he did, they ran out of water. And it put them in a very difficult situation. But he did that out of showing that extra love and that extra care. So it goes beyond rights and obligations here. And that's why again, Allah subhanaw taala keeps

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speaking about it, whereas she ruhuna will maroof and dwell with them in kindness. So in the things that you say, and the things that you overlook, go beyond just justice. And and and try to show that Madoff tried to show that that love the profit slice I'm also setting the Hadith of the alongside Hanuman Sahih Muslim, that a believing man should not hate a believing woman and carry him in her hollow can broadly I mean, that if he dislikes one of her characteristics, let him be pleased with another. So don't look don't nitpick, and pick on one thing, and you know, and ignore the good qualities and focus on the bad the prophets, Isom said, if you don't like one thing, focus on that

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which you like. And if you focus on that, then it will overlook the flaws because we all have those flaws. And we all require, or we all should make make it a point to overlook. The things that we don't necessarily like that doesn't mean we we don't seek healthy methods to correct them. But we should overlook and try to focus on the good. And that makes it easier to pass through the bat. Most of the early books effect when they spoke about Heroku. And they spoke about rights. They obviously included a significant portion on cases of polygamy because that's the norm in the pre modern world and in the society of the Prophet, slice them and others. So you have the Hadith of the Prophet sly

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Salaam, if a man was married to more than one woman and he wronged one, or he did not

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and cannot love him or attorney for Marla ILA.

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That that that's a tough one to translate. Now that

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would mean that he gave preference to one over the other and that's obviously within the realm of rights, the profit slice I mentioned that he would come on the Day of Judgment, crooked, so burdens in one side over the other. And this is where the scholars mentioned, you know, taqwa just as they would when they mentioned those rights amongst the children.

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You know, they also mentioned very specific technicalities and showing top law in that regard as well.

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Now, what are the rights of the husband upon the wife, what 100 mithila de la hin there are different rights even though they're going to fall within those things. One of the most difficult concepts to grapple with is the issue of Florida the issue of leadership or the issue or a loss penalty, or the ahaadeeth, which denote authority

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The men on in a household so the Hadith that we mentioned regards to the flock and in regards to the subjects and a man is a guardian of a family and the Hadith which mentions our thoughts xojo either similar to them or to Hamza or sama, Shahada and soja definitely agenda that if a woman wants to pray her prayers and faster fast, and she'll bla and I'm purposely not translating the term right now she'll thoughts her husband and she would enter Jenna, in any through any gate that she wanted to what is the word bar? I mean?

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What do you usually hear?

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obedience? How does that make you feel? obedience has in England and this is the difficulty of translating Arabic words. Obedience has certain connotations, sometimes that are difficult to swallow, because they denote a inherent superiority sometimes, right?

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So don't focus on the translation, focus on the technicalities are focused on what this denotes. Is there any absolute authority that belongs to any human being over another human being? No. And if there was, then it's in regards to the parents over the children? However, what does that actually relate to? or What does this look like in regards to a marriage? Does this mean dictatorship? Does this mean oppression and lack of accountability? No, because the prophets lie Some said, Hey, it'll compile completely the best amongst you are those who are best to their wives. So what's the best way to deal with the structure? And I'm not shying away from text for a reason here, because we have

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to deal with it head on. One of the most beautiful ways to negotiate this that I that we find from our from our trade off from our classical texts is from any moment of the document Allah. He gave the example he said it's not like a tyrant over a subjected people, but it's like the example of lava and Shura, Illa and Shura. So you have the halifa. And then you have the consultation buddy who's actually more accountable to the other.

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Khalifa is accountable to the Shura. The Shura is accountable to the halifa. So it functions in that tandem, if you will, and if you and so he describes the example of the husband and the wife, like the khilafah. And the shorter that they function in tandem, not undermining not belittling, not oppressing, but rather there is thought there is giving. There's the following him in that which is not unreasonable or impermissible. Those are the two things the two qualifiers that their elimite gave, obviously, in regards to that which is not permissible, goes to the Hadith of the Prophet slice. I'm not talking about an image Luke, the marsupial harlot there is no obedience or following

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a creation in that which the Creator has forbidden. So if someone tells you to do something that's not allowed, then obviously, you cannot follow them in that or obey them in that or listen to them in that. So it's that and then it's that which is unreasonable. so unreasonable demands also would not count. So it functions as khilafah and Chula then there is the extra emphasis in Islam on intimacy and the right of intimacy. Does that mean inflicting harm? Does that mean that a person can take advantage of their spouse? Or cause Donald or cause harm? No, absolutely not. And that's a longer subject, obviously. But the thing that that's very strongly prohibited within the Hadith of

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the Prophet sly Salaam is a woman not making herself available to her husband as a means of punishing him or as a means of

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showing some sort of, of anger that the profits license does not allow that to be employed in a marriage. And again, the right of intimacy goes both ways. But there's certainly extra emphasis that we find within the Hadith of the prophets lysozyme. Then you find the prophets lie, some and some of these things are very customary. So you have to take them in the spirit of them in the farewell speech of the Prophet slice, and we he lists out the rights of the women, then he lists out the rights of the men. He says not to let someone in the house that he doesn't like.

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So that's just don't let someone in your house that your husband doesn't like. And if it's your mom, or your dad or his family, it's different. But showing that level of respect and cooperation, obviously, that's something that's there. And then lastly, emotional regard. How does emotional regard play out in regards to the men? This is a really interesting idea. And I often tell people this that the profits license, I had the advices were never taken as being mean spirited to people. You know, when when there's a trust level, you take more Frank advice from someone because you trust where the advice is coming from. That's actually something I was having this discussion with. With a

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pastor recently. It's somewhat like sometimes how the YouTube clips come out of a pastor speaking to his congregation, and they look worse than they actually are. And sometimes they're just really bad. Like any Trump supporting pastor. Alright.

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There's no way to really contextualize these things like a Robert Jeffers type. But you know, sometimes there's a frank conversation or a fun conversation that's being had a pastor talking to a youth group or talking to a congregation. And there's a level of trust and cohesion, chemistry that's been built between the congregation and the pastor. So it's taken us fatherly, lovingly loving advice, the same way that you find from a Wilbekin and Alma when Rebecca grabs a woman by the beard, right, it's not taken as offensive to Amata. Because there's a certain trust level there brothers. So when there's that chemistry, and that trust, advice can be given with more frankness,

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agree or disagree. All right, so when the prophets lie, some spoke to women about their obligations. When we spoke to men about their obligations, it was never taken as mean spirited women did not say to the prophets lie, some You're being too difficult with us.

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But they trusted him, which is why they went to him. And they asked him for a specific day of the week where he could sit just with them, and cater to their concerns. So the Prophet slicin, his presence was not overbearing, if anything, there was a comfort level. So a lot of times when you have a hadith where the prophets lysozyme is speaking to women, you know how they write the books now, for women only for men only, like don't read this and don't read that because at the end of the day, you should be focused on your obligations. They were not said in any mean spirit, but it gets lost in the text sometimes. So this is an interesting one, a Smackdown to Z, then unstudio. I'm

00:31:28--> 00:32:08

sorry about the 11 read about us not meant to Z. This was a woman. That was the Habiba. She was the one who spoke on behalf of the women. What does that mean? She spoke on behalf of the women, she was known for having a particularly challenging attitude where and I don't say that in a negative way. She had a strong personality and she would openly speak on behalf she was sometimes speak to the concerns of sisters that were not being spoken to. So there's a famous narration where she came to the Prophet slice, I'm in the presence of the men. And she said to the Prophet, sly Salaam, yada, so the law, how is it that that we, you know that we, the women do this and we do that, and we do that.

00:32:08--> 00:32:45

But then the men go out and sell out to the gym out of the men go out and battle with you? And they've taken all the reward? Don't we get some of the reward too? And the prophets lie, some looks to the men. She said this in front of the men. He said, Have you ever heard a speech more beautiful than this woman's speech and the Sahaba said, jasola we don't know that you taught in this way, meaning? Like they were I mean, she was being very forward and Frank, right. And the prophets license said, Go back to the women and tell them that for them is the same reward as the men. Okay, so here's a long beautiful narration has not been to Z, the Ansari about the allowance, she

00:32:45--> 00:33:01

describes this. She says the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he passed by me, and I was with some some young children belonging to me, and he greeted us. And then the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said to me, beware of being ungrateful.

00:33:03--> 00:33:43

Listen to what she says. She said, when the prophets lie Selim said that, well according to men, Angela hiner, Allah morality, I was known for my audacity or I had, I had the audacity to ask the prophets lie some things that other people wouldn't ask me to challenge and to, and to raise concerns. So I said to the Prophet sallallahu sallam, what in gratitude, are you talking about jasola what in gratitude are you mentioning? So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said that it may be sometimes that a that a woman would get married and then the last time even bless bless them with a with a child. And then she gets mad at her husband one day and she says to her husband,

00:33:43--> 00:34:23

Melba into Minka hiren pot, I have never seen any goodness from you. I've never seen any good from you. This is what the profit slice that I mentioned cofra neerim in this Hadeeth to show in gratitude to those blessings, so to say I've never seen any good from you at the first slip up. So what's the context of the study? Is it a mean spirited is that the Prophet slice alum, yelling at some women and chastising some women or telling the men you know your women are really ungrateful. So you should go tell them that I said this, or was it a conversation particularly with us? mapman to Z and guess who narrates it snapped into z the lanseria in this context? So what does this mean?

00:34:26--> 00:34:59

That if a you know an amendment no Rahim Allah mentions a man being good for you know, so this is not in the case of a man who's not doing what he's supposed to be doing. This is in the case of a man who is good, who overall is fulfilling his responsibilities. And then he slips one day and the woman says, I have never seen any good from you. Now. Ito Minka. Hi, Ron cut. I have never seen a good day from you. So how do we how do we break this down? Okay, now, let's bring it all home. In conclusion, lost pants I says women AR T and Haleakala come in

00:35:00--> 00:35:35

SEACOM as well as in the testimony from the signs of your Lord is that he created from you spouses from amongst yourselves, or giandomenico or what the one, that you may dwell in tranquility together and he put between you love and mercy, verily in that are Signs for those who reflect Allah. Allah says, hidden alabaster nakoma antimony baths are known, they are a garment for you and you are a garment for them. The nature of the relationship of the spouses has to transcend discussion of rights, right, rights have to be a given.

00:35:36--> 00:36:04

Because of that fear of a loss of hundreds and the last will have the profit slice alum, a salatu salam was still so benissa Hydra, hold on to your prayers and treat your wives Well, that was the last will of the Prophet slice them and the scholars denoted they took from that, if no claim or him Allah said something very beautifully said that your relationship is divided between your the right of Allah upon you and the right of the people upon you and the Prophet slice, I'm summed it all up in those last two sentences in when he says,

00:36:05--> 00:36:47

your Lord and your spouse in this regard. So what should govern that relationship has to be a son, once you start getting into nitpicking and this right and that, right. And that's, that's a sign of a collapsing home. That's a sign of a collapsing marriage. Someone has to show a son and inspire seek to inspire a son in the other as well. I'm not gonna draw him a whole lot. He mentioned the night that he or his wife said I was married to her for 30 years. And we only had one argument and I was wrong, because he passed away in his lifetime. So he said we had in 30 years, we had one argument and I was the one that was wrong. He described you know, the that when they first got

00:36:47--> 00:36:59

married, they pray two records together, which is a student of the profit slice alone. And she started to her name was on sada, she started to say to him, in the name of a lot, the most compassionate, the Most Merciful, she basically gives them an ultimate.

00:37:00--> 00:37:34

I mean, she literally gave them a sermon about how she's going to do her best to fulfill the right of Allah and to do the best, her best as a spouse, in my mind was like, Whoa, he said, I never wanted to give a multiple like that night. So he gave her back a hotel as well, a sermon, but a promise that I'm going to do my best to be a husband as well. They said, when he buried her, he said for 30 years, we didn't fight. We fought once we argued once and I was wrong, and she was right. So each person has to look at themselves, first and foremost, with the fear of Allah subhanho wa Taala, with the topo of Allah, why you might be married to someone who's very lenient. Alright, and that

00:37:34--> 00:38:12

might make you complacent. So you have to challenge yourself always to be a better spouse. Okay, you always have to be willing to challenge yourself to be a better spouse. Once you start getting into the nitpicking and the technicalities with one another over rights and obligations, you're bound for failure, okay, you're bound for failure, the the nature of the dialogue, the discourse has to go to the next level, that doesn't mean there isn't time for that. There is a time for that. But at the same time, that's where usually bringing in a third party is good. You know, in that spirit of advice in the spirit of guiding through a difficult patch, because sometimes there is a conflict,

00:38:12--> 00:38:44

and that conflict could be a very logistical conflict. Okay, bringing in a neutral third party in that regard is actually excellent. It's actually showing excellence. You know, what, why don't we consult someone not let's, let's go to a chef, and I'm gonna yell about you and complaint. No, let's get someone else. And, you know, let's, let's ask someone's advice on how we deal with the situation, whether it's an elder, or someone that we trust, whether that's in the capacity of a scholar, what maybe someone that's going to give us some advice on how to deal with that situation. All right. The next thing here, though, is if you notice when we talk about emotional abuse, we also

00:38:44--> 00:39:29

have to talk about emotional voids, and how emotional voids play out in a marriage. And I'm not going to act like the therapist here. I have no degree in counseling. I have no degree in therapy. Not a therapist, though, when I was an Imam. At one point, I was the Imam, the undertaker, the marriage guy, the divorce guy, the maintenance man, the therapist, and more. But professionally, I'm not. So I'm just trying to offer this from a Tesco perspective. If we're going to talk about emotional abuse, we also have to talk about emotional voids, our general isolation, our general isolation in the 21st century, how we are isolated from people when you know it's not, it's not the

00:39:29--> 00:39:59

we're not living in a village structure where you get emotional support from multiple people and you're always around people. And so you can sometimes fill some of those voids in your workspace or in the farm or whatever it may be. We're just not in that. Now. Most people are in great isolation. And because of that greater isolation, we have greater emotional needs and greater emotional voids that we often look to be fulfilled. We look for them to be fulfilled in the context of marriage. So it places a greater emotional

00:40:00--> 00:40:30

And and we have to recognize that, that the support system is also important. And sometimes we don't have that support system. And we have to be conscious of the fact that sometimes we're placing too much on the, you know, too much demand on what we expect to receive emotionally from a marriage. Another thing, too, empty souls does not make a complete marriage do not make a complete marriage, it just makes an empty marriage, this idea that I'm going to get married and fix my life and everything's gonna be okay, I'm ready to be religious now. So let me go get married,

00:40:31--> 00:41:06

which is a behavior that sometimes we instill, by the way, in our in our children and our youth, you know, go ahead and party and mess around. But then once you're ready to get married, and be religious, and fix your life. Now, it doesn't work that way. An empty soul is not going to be completed through a marriage. And that's why the prophets lie Selim, when he spoke about a son to one another, and going, you know, showing excellence to one another. In a marriage, it was not just the flowers and the acts of kindness and the extra love. It was forcing the other person to wake up for the amulet to wake up for prayer at night sprinkling water in the face of your spouse to wake

00:41:06--> 00:41:42

them up for prayer, in joining one another in good and forbidding one another from evil pushing one another to be better Muslims to fill the soul so that you can be a more complete person. When you're a more complete person more spiritually fulfilled, you're more able to give that that fulfillment as well back to the Shayla your athlete, this is a very famous principle in our religion, and that is that he who does not have something cannot give something if you don't have peace, you can't give peace. So trying to to push one another, to be emotionally fulfilled, pushes one another, towards

00:41:44--> 00:42:11

towards goodness. The last thing here, and again, I'm not the therapist, I'm not the counselor. So I understand that. But if you look at the way the scholars generally derive the spirit of the Sunnah, in this regard, and the spirit of what those emotional needs are, when they spoke about it in the context of men, they spoke about it in the context of a need for respect, when they spoke about it in the context of women, they spoke about it in the context of a need for love. That's not something that's unique to Islam.

00:42:13--> 00:42:54

If you read in the Bible, in Ephesians, 533, which is one of the letters of Paul, it says, however, each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband, Sean T. Feld and who is a Harvard researcher, she wrote a lot of those books on women only for women only information only she wrote that a man's highest need is to feel respect. Whereas a woman's highest need is to feel loved. That doesn't mean that a man does not need love, or a woman does not read need respect, because you often can't arrive at those two things without the other. But that greater need. What happens if you look at the Hadith of the Prophet, slice them and how he encourages it, he

00:42:54--> 00:43:33

encourages that treatment within that spirit as well. Don't kill the son of the other person, don't kill the excellence or the capability of the other person. So if you tell a man who thinks he's trying his best, and is making some mistakes along the way, I've never seen anything good from you, you know what he's gonna do? Stop trying. You know what, fine, I never get. I never, I've never shown appreciation for when I get it right. Or I think I got it right. I thought this, that this toaster was a brilliant gift idea, you know. So, you know, I did my best and it's not the best gift wrap. But I did put scotch tape on it and wrote, you know, Drew hard on it. Don't ever do that, by

00:43:33--> 00:44:12

the way. But, you know, if a man tries and feels like that, that effort is not being respected or appreciated, then he's just going to quit, kills the sun. And then at the same time when it comes to a woman, if love is not shown if that if that attention is not shown, then eventually, in regards to the love from the love from her side diminishes as well towards the men. Everyone as a complex human being has greater requirements of certain things because of their upbringing, because of their social experiences and so many other things. But the Prophet slicin him when he spoke in that language of respect and love, he's not alone And speaking of it in those terms, because clearly,

00:44:12--> 00:44:29

that's something that's recognized and other systems as well that generally falls within those two categories, and then trying your best to treat the other person as you wish to be treated. So I think I dodged most bullets here. I think I offered enough disclaimers and qualifications. See how the q&a goes? Exactly, no hate on questions.

00:44:39--> 00:44:44

So the question of work is it in a man's right to demand that his wife does not work?

00:44:46--> 00:44:49

If it's not going to interfere with duties,

00:44:50--> 00:45:00

I'm going to address it from the spirit of how we have the son of the Prophet slice and how we address this from a contractual perspective. One of the biggest issues that we have

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have is that we don't have these discussions before we get married often. There are certain discussions that are to be had before marriage, what are the expectations? What are the things that you're supposed to do? What role do you envision for your spouse and these types of things? So, what often happens is that a technicality is employed later on. And so, obviously, you know,

00:45:27--> 00:45:51

in this in this situation, this is something where hacking where an arbitrator is brought in, and the expectations are discussed from beforehand. And you try to come to some sort of reasonable agreement or some sort of reasonable negotiation. But those are things that should be discussed before the marriage contract. If they're not discussed before the marriage contract, then once the marriage contract takes place, then an arbitrator should be brought in to discuss a reasonable arrangement.

00:45:53--> 00:45:53

Yeah.

00:46:12--> 00:46:43

Very simple. Find me first and foremost, one narration where the prophets lie, some ever hit his wives. And in fact, you find the opposite where I show the allowance as the prophets lie, some never hit a woman. And the second thing is finally one narration of a Sahaba taking a sea walk and popping his wife with the sea walk. So there were symbolic tifosi that mentioned, you know, like the most that you could do, and you've got to understand let's think about that society of the prophets lie Selim hitting and beating is the norm domestic violence, you're coming from a society where

00:46:44--> 00:46:48

public beating publicly beating your spouse was the norm. Okay.

00:46:50--> 00:47:19

So when you have a Tafseer, which mentions that it could not even exceed the tap of a see walk as discipline, it doesn't mean literally the next time you have an argument, take a C walk and say and do this, it was meant to it was meant to emphasize that there should be no harm La da da, da, da, da da weather totally worn, don't hurt them do not abuse and do not do these types of things. So the prophets lie some kind of political Koran. His character was the Quran. And one of the most

00:47:21--> 00:47:58

I think sometimes we have to look at the Sunnah and we have to look at where the profits lies on reached in a marriage. Okay, with have settled the lavon the prophets lie, some reached the point of divorce, he did reach the point of divorce and authentic hadith of Abu Dawood, he actually issued the first talaq, he never hit her. So if this was some sort of divine mandate, that you get to that point where you got to actually hit like, physically hit somebody, then he would be betraying his own message for not doing that either his thoughts was, right. So you have to look at it in the spirit of the cinema. So no, no companion, not a single and not that I'm aware of. There's no

00:47:58--> 00:48:06

narration of a companion actually hitting his wife with a celiac or, you know, in accordance with some sort of understanding of US alone. Yeah.

00:48:32--> 00:49:07

So again, in the spirit of the sun, now, you try to understand what the like, what is the emotional benefit of this, or what is the profit slice I'm trying to protect from in regards to dispute. So obviously, getting too close to someone that the husband doesn't like sometimes, it and that's something I'd recommend both ways. No other person is worth your marriage. No other person is worth your marriage. We're talking about family and we're talking about people that you gotta negotiate. If we're talking about just an overly controlling like spouse, where's like, you can't be friends with anybody, then those are different situations. But if your spouse really doesn't like somebody,

00:49:08--> 00:49:24

it's better to preserve and to prioritize the relationship of the marriage. That doesn't mean you got to go say like, Hey, I'm not going to talk to you anymore. Because my husband's unlike you, I'm not going to talk to anymore because my wife doesn't like you. That means that you can, that you can observe a healthy distance for the sake of showing that axon to your marriage. I know that sounds like really,

00:49:25--> 00:49:35

it might sound wrong, but but I mean, it's just real that and that goes both ways, husband and wife that sometimes you you should be willing to step away

00:49:36--> 00:49:54

from someone, at least, when it's excessive, or when when you're going above and beyond and that bonding unless again, if you've got an overly controlling spouse is trying to isolate you from everybody. And that's when again, you have you bring somebody in and that's that's going too far because that's not that's not reasonable anymore.

00:49:56--> 00:49:58

I'll share with you an incidence of how long it's very

00:50:00--> 00:50:02

The profits from the Sunnah of the prophet SAW Selim,

00:50:03--> 00:50:35

the Prophet seisen was married to Habiba who was the daughter of Sophia who was one of the greatest enemies of the prophets, mycelium and abusive here and is trying to kill the Prophet, slice them and he's married to his daughter, when I was young came to Medina and saw his daughter on Habiba. After all these years, she was sitting in the home and she was sitting on a hot seat, which was like the mat where they used to sleep on. So when he entered into the house, she folded the house like you can imagine there's space for two on it. She got up and she folded it and she sat back on it.

00:50:36--> 00:50:45

And he said, Are you really like you don't want me to sit next to you. And she said, You're not worthy of sitting on the same spot that the prophets license sits on.

00:50:46--> 00:51:22

I mean, that was it now Your dad is not abusive young fighting the problem when he was anatomy of the prophets license, but I'm just about the spirit of that right like the province I'm didn't tell her to do that. That was an that was an extra level of respect and also sending a message to her dad who was trying to kill the prophets lie Selim. But it's just an incident that I think of when I think of that as well because a lot of times these things sound very like it's a custom right so what do you mean letting someone in the house you think about letting someone in the house at that time? House is not usually that big? Right? It's you're letting someone into your private life so

00:51:22--> 00:51:30

you take it back into your letting someone into our lives? All right. So that's something that should not you know, be done.

00:51:31--> 00:51:34

If a person feels particularly strongly about,

00:51:35--> 00:51:37

about this third party regard.

00:51:40--> 00:51:40

Yeah.

00:52:07--> 00:52:07

Course.

00:52:12--> 00:52:46

course every head so the Hadith of the Prophet sly somebody mentions the woman who enters into Hellfire because of her abusiveness to her neighbors. The person enters Hellfire for their abusiveness to their neighbors, what then have someone in the house who has more rights upon you, than your neighbors? And this is in general, all the ahaadeeth of Exxon all, you know, there's some people that are so outward looking of their house, they feel like there's such great friends, but they're terrible. husbands are terrible. wives are terrible fathers terrible mothers, just on the outside, just so giving and loving and like, why does that get put on the shelf? Why do you spend

00:52:46--> 00:53:09

all that emotional capital outside and then come home and have nothing left to give? That's that happens sometimes people, so all the ahaadeeth and the IRS and everything that talks about the goodness that you're supposed to show to someone on the outside of your home is amplified within the home, amplified within? And so the severity of abuse outside of the home is amplified within the home as well. alone.

00:53:13--> 00:53:13

Yeah,

00:53:20--> 00:53:26

of course. Absolutely. All right. I'm gonna take questions privately now, or I'll take your question list.

00:53:30--> 00:53:31

Yes.

00:53:54--> 00:53:54

Right.

00:53:59--> 00:54:03

Correct. Oftentimes, the arbitrator does more harm than good.

00:54:04--> 00:54:14

So there are two things to take into consideration with the arbitrator. Number one, there has to be agreement from both of the spouses on who this person is going to be in that as much as it can be.

00:54:16--> 00:54:27

Number two, that person should speak from a place of origin from a place of knowledge and have knowledge to be able to diagnose the situation not from some cultural context, or a personal inclination.

00:54:29--> 00:54:54

And, thirdly, if it's really I mean, going to a professional is always the best thing to do. So if someone has professional credentials and counseling or marriage counseling, whatever they may be, that's always going to be the best thing to do. And depends on the severity of the dispute. Sometimes it's not it doesn't reach that level, but sometimes it does often it does, you know, the time the prophets lie seminar inshallah, the Alon had an argument and

00:54:56--> 00:55:00

you know, the, the prophet SAW some suggested an arbitrator and that person

00:55:00--> 00:55:33

Particular argument we don't even know what the argument is because of how the Hadith pans out. So she says okay, fine, the prophet size Sam says, Do you want to pick? She said, No, you pick the Prophet size. Sam said, Well, what about our VEDA? Angela? You know, who's the amine of this oma? He's the trustworthy, one of this oma, you know, someone that we can love? And she said, No, no, because he might be too inclined towards you. So he said, You pick and eventually they settled on her father, but her father's Wilbekin. Alright, so her abubaker like, She's like, Alright, well, he's my dad. So he's gonna be on my side. But at the same time, he's already too severe. So our

00:55:33--> 00:55:52

backyard comes and sits down. And, you know, the profits license says I shouldn't be allowed to do you want to start? She says, No, you start. So I can, you know, hear your story and poke holes if I need to see what's what you're saying. I will back it'll the law No, got up and was angry at me. He said, What are you accusing the prophets lie some of lie.

00:55:54--> 00:56:26

So the prophets lie, some gets up in front of Isha and sends them a bucket out of the house and says, we didn't call you to come yell at her to get get involved in this. And then he says, Dr. Shi, I saved you from your dad. And they start laughing. And so how long is there laughing? I will record all the Allahu knocks on door. He said, You know, you guys involve me in your hardship. Can you involve me in your laughter as well? Like, can I be involved in your happy times as you involve me in your sad times. So we don't even know how the argument panned out? Or what what it was about in the first place. But the point is, is that the prophets lie, some understood, okay, who that person

00:56:26--> 00:56:56

is very important as well. If the person is just being brought in to validate one side, then it's often not going to lead to any sort of productive solution. All right, I'll take questions on a personal level, if anyone has questions on a personal level. I'm telling you all from now on. This is off camera, but just so you all know, because you regularly attend. I don't think there's going to be class next week. And I can't tell you why you'll figure out next week in Charlottetown. Don't worry, I'm not planning anything crazy. But I didn't say this online but but there's

00:56:57--> 00:57:24

there's a great probability so just follow the app if you will, and shall not Toronto, also this weekend. So he has a party is going to be in town. Teaching denial, the tuxedo suits Roman law scene. So you can sign up at a moment of.org slash Dallas to get more information on out on the outside and shout out Santa. So follow the app. And online I'll post as well a few hours before if there's going to be class next week or not. there will definitely be class the week after that law, heinous crime 100