The Jahaliyyah Of Matrimonials

Nouman Ali Khan

Channel: Nouman Ali Khan

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hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa salatu wa salam O Allah say the MBI even mousseline while early he was happy he will minister Nebuchadnezzar Hilo Mateen Allahu Medina Minh home Amina Latina, jihad, whatever So Bill Hakata wasabi sobre Mineola mean. Some are older Billahi min ash shaytani r Rajim and Latina h de Luna Cuba Iran Esmeralda hush What is amahi? Boo me off Iran? Rubbish rocky sorry, we are silly Emily Emily Sani of Coco de manera. But I mean, once again Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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I can't hear you.

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So you guys doing okay? attention span is doing okay. As I know, all right. So this notorious I don't I didn't, we don't have this in America. Because we have an attention span problem. Apparently you don't have here. So you have like lecture after lecture after lecture after lecture after lecture

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after lecture, but what we have there is LEC, sure.

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Right? So, I don't know how you guys are doing good. So I would request before I speak, to do what I would make my class do everybody stand up, stand up, stand up. Just do it. Do it, do it, do it.

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Stretch, whatever you need to do to wake up, punch the person next to you, whatever it is, just do something.

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Okay, now don't get too happy and sit down. Okay.

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Hey, that does not count towards my time reset that thing. That's not, I didn't even start yet. Okay. So I have been given this really, like, awesome topic.

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And the title of it, when I saw the title, I was like, Oh, my God, this is gonna get me in a lot of trouble. light skinned Muslim, a seeking doctor.

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But anyway, I think the controversial or the the at least a provocative topic is a good segue into the bigger problem, then I'm going to try to articulate before you as clearly as I can, it's a much bigger topic than 32 minutes and 55 seconds. But still, I think I can present enough food for thought in this in this conversation that you can carry as a conversation in your own families. For me, personally, the biggest priority is changing the way a family makes its decisions. That's the biggest priority if we can affect how parents, children, young people, married couples, how they reach their decisions for their family, and what kind of decisions they make, then we're heading in

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a better direction, in shallow toddler. So this is really a focus on your family and my own. The first thing I want to say is the way people used to get married back in the day back in the day, I mean, I'm talking about 30 years ago, back in the day, was very different from now, it was very, very different. And it was different in the Muslim world, in the Arab world, in the Southeast Asian subcontinent, in the Africa is it's just a different way of approaching the subject of marriage. When young people become of age, then the elders because every all the families know each other, they live in the same neighborhood and all of that. So somebody's cousins with somebody cousins with

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friends says, Hey, what about him for her? What about her for him, and a conversation begins. And because all of these connections exist, eventually, somebody marries someone within the extended, you know, acquaintances, and if it's not within the extended family, it's very close to the extended family. And so there's this proximity benefit that Muslims have enjoyed for a long time. But the world has changed. And with the increase in, you know, the the economic capitals of the world constantly shifting and moving, people move because of work. And people's, you know, people move because of education. And so many of you, your families moved here because of you know, continuing

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education, or to pursue a career or to start a business and all of those other and these are all legitimate reasons. I'm not here to tell you, you came here for Danielle's stuff, it'll go back, I'm not here to tell you that these are realities, these are legitimate realities that exist. And so when we moved here, for the most part, one of the things that we experienced Muslim communities is that we became isolated, increasingly isolated. So your neighbor is not necessarily a Muslim. And if by chance they are they're probably not from the same country. And certainly not from the same zip code in the same quarter Lahore or somewhere. They're not from the same town, right? So you're,

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you're around Muslims, and even when you go to the masjid, or you go to the mosque, which is probably one of the few places where Muslims congregate, you're meeting people of very many different ethnicities. So Muslims don't really have a place to where families get to know each other much, especially if the machine operates the way a traditional machine operates. In other words, if as much as a place where men mostly go pre women sometimes show up for Juma and then everybody goes back home, then the machine is not a place where families get to know each other. That's not a place where that happens. So pretty much we're an isolated people, and especially for those of you who

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have older parents

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Who are retired, perhaps. So they're not in their careers anymore. They're even socially isolated. So they don't know anyone. And a lot of those kinds of parents have daughters, and they don't know what to do with them. Because no proposals are coming, not because your daughter is hideous, but because you don't know anyone, and you actually haven't talked to anyone. And so you keep making your daughter feel bad. And I've had those cases where parents keep telling their daughter, nobody's coming for you. You know. And so the first guy that walks in, just do it, because they nobody else come in, you know, dad, he's missing an eye, he's like, he walked into the house backwards, what is

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up with this guy, I can't do this, but no, who else is gonna marry you, you should be grateful, etc, etc. So there's a lot of, because the parents feel the pressure of not having those options for their daughters. And sometimes I'll talk about sons in a second. But you know, for their daughters, especially, they try to force some things onto their daughters, which isn't fair. This is particularly true of the indo Pak subcontinent, not as true of the Arab community, and other communities. But still, it is a phenomenon where children are being pressured into marriage. This doesn't work anymore. It just doesn't work anymore. And there's a culture we've had for a long time,

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I actually had a chance to speak about this in another community, in order but I won't give you that talk here, of course.

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But the point of which was are you know, are the older generation they feel a sense of formality between themselves and their children. So they don't really openly talk about marriage or liking a girl or liking a boy or considering somebody. These are not the kinds of things you talk to your mother about, or your father about, especially if you're from Pakistan, you don't talk about it.

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Unless you want to die.

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Like you don't like I don't care if you're 25 years old, I don't care if you are going to be scared to talk to your mom about marriage. It's just a thing. We are mothers do this number on us. And it's it works on these guys. You know, they're, they're terrified. And so today, I want to just share some realities with you through first the case study, I want to give you two case studies in sha Allah. And then after that, I want to give some advice to parents and some advice to the young people who are of the age to get married. Can you make some noise if you're of the age to get married?

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All right, very good. So you're around. Okay.

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Uncle, why did you make I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Okay. I'm kidding.

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Okay, so

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the first case study, this young man calls me.

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And he says whether numana have a problem? I said, What's your name?

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And he said, How'd you know? I said, You're calling me? I mean, I know. Just tell me. Well, her name is I'm not gonna say her name. Of course. She says her name. And I was like, so how long has it been? A couple of years.

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So what's the problem? Well, I really want to marry her, but I'm not ready.

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And I think she's starting to get marriage proposals. Okay, well, why don't you talk to your parents so they can talk to hers? Well, I actually first asked him, Why didn't you talk to her parents? And he said, I can't do that. I can't talk to her parents. I was like, Okay, why don't you talk to your own parents? What they would kill me.

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Okay, I think I have your solution. Go down to the local pharmacy.

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Buy yourself some Similac and a baby bottle.

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Mix it well. When you pour it into teaspoons, mix it with warm water, mix it well find an empty corner in your house, face the wall and suck on it until you become a man.

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So

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and then you can tell your parents and her parents. But on a serious note, we have created a culture. Unfortunately, we're part of a culture where this conversation has been taboo for a long time. You cannot talk to your parents about your preferences in marriage. It's easy. It's just disrespectful. It's inappropriate, it's wrong. And you know what it is absolutely, absolutely necessary today. And if your parents are going to be shocked by it, then you know what you need to tell it to them every day until they stop being shocked. Mama want to get married mama want to get married my wife.

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She'll do that for the first 5060 times until she realizes you are in fact 27 years old. And you need to because there's the other thing right? Not until you finish this degree then that degree then that degree and a lot of our daughters were pushed into higher education because they were told by many of their parents. The only way you're gonna you know marriage. I don't know if it's gonna work out or not but you need to have a backup plan girl. So all of these girls and I'm not hating on med school but they went into med school.

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And they went into law school. And they went to eight 910 year academic track, and they didn't get married until they were done. And once they got done, they ended up on matrimonial websites, because nobody else, no proposals are coming, because you're past, unfortunately, the cultural expiration date. You know, it's a tragedy. And it's funny to some of you, but the girls that are in this problem are not laughing. They're crying, and they've come to me and cried, you know, and then they come and they say, well, these brothers don't want to marry us, because we're too educated, I say, I can understand that. You know, they don't want to feel intimidated by you. I was like, That's not

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fair. I was like, Well, you know, what you should have really thought about who you're looking for. And if you're looking for a doctor, well, you know, a lot of those doctors that are in the same field as you, they're thinking, well, I put all my time into my career, so I'm gonna marry somebody, I'm gonna marry a trophy wife. And there's an unfortunate culture of that, you know, so we've created this disparity, not to mention the other problems in our community, there's a crisis situation on how to get our sons and daughters married. It's a real crisis situation. On top of all of these crises, are some of the biases of our parents. So I'm going to talk to you I was going to

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give you one more case study, but before I do, just some things to parents,

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many of you, you come from particular backgrounds, and you have very strong senses of identity. That is something a lot put in you may Allah reward you which Ruben wakaba elita for, right allow me made us into nations and tribes. So we may get to know one another. The tribe you come from the family, you come from the village you come from in Syria or Philistine, the place you come from in Egypt, the place you come from in Bangladesh is valuable to you is honorable to you, your dignity, your history, your legacy is tied to it. And I respect that. But the fact of the matter is, number one, you and I both know you're not you're not going back home, you're here and your children are not

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Egyptian and they're not Palestinian, and they're not Bangladeshi, they are three fourths Canadian or American and a little bit Bangladeshi, a little kind of they got a little like, is a big day in there somewhere, you know, but there they are. They are American kids. They are Canadian kids. Okay. Yeah, they have some tastes for like baklawa. And they might need a biani here and there. But for the most part, they are pizza and hot dog, my friends. That's that's who they are. They are not like you. And part of that is not just what they eat, or the cartoons they watch or the English they speak, chances are, they've gone to public school, that's a very high likelihood. They've either

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gone to public school, or they're going through a college education. I am not here to justify what happens. I am here to first try to share a reality with all of our parents, our respected parents that are sitting in the audience, and I feel your pain. Because I'm a parent myself. My girls are about to turn teenagers. I'm terrified to death. I feel your pain. I'm going to be in your shoes soon. I'm gonna love protect all of us parents, you know, but let me tell you something. These these girls and these boys, they've gone to college, chances are they've seen a girl they like or a guy that they like, chances are that's already happened. Chances are they've had a couple of

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conversations already. Even in the most respectful setting. Maybe it happened at the MSA. Maybe it happened at the RS convention. Maybe it happened.

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Yeah, it may have happened. Actually, it did.

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Okay. And you know, and I'm not just talking about the matrimonial section and all of that I'm talking about just at the bazaar. Hey, nice job. You know, like, like that, you know, isn't that calligraphy amazing this some people start to conversations like that. One of the reasons I like to walk around in the bazaar is to see the contemporary pickup lines by Muslim youth. They're not very good nowadays. But anyway, it's fun to watch.

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But anyway, this has already happened. And they've got certain preferences, they've got something in their heart, and they want to tell you, but you know, what the girls Palestinian and she's thinking about a good brother is a good brother, but he's stuck to the line Arlene, Egyptian

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or, you know, is a Pakistani guy and he wants to marry this girl and she's

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she's Syrian, you know, and he's really scared to tell his parents he's really scared to even mention the idea because the Arab father will say, Mr. Hayden, wanna Hi, you know,

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marriage GTG, Hargis. nahi hoga.

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Not so long as I'm alive, etc, etc, etc. You know what we don't have a lot to pick from. If there are good young men and women out there. If there are good young men and women out there, and our children, we trust them enough to go out into the real world. If we've trusted them enough to go to college to get a job to deal with society outside, then it is unfair, and it is a form of volume by parents that you don't trust their judgment or even consider their opinion when they suggest this might be a good man. For me. This might be a good girl for me. You don't even entertain the idea because the ethnicity doesn't match. That is unfair. I am sorry. I know. I know.

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Parents are gonna come up to me let me finish her I gotta go further. And I'm gonna come after the kids next Auntie relax, because it is gonna beta, you gave this speech and my son will come up to me and he will say something and I don't. I don't know why you gave this Be it relax, I will give I'll come after your son in a second. But let me finish with you first, let me finish with the elders First, it is unfair of you to put them in a land, which is majority the all around them. There is shamelessness all around them, there are opportunities not just for the slightest kind of fracture. But the worst kinds of shamelessness is easily accessible to them all the time. 24 seven, it is in

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their face, and they fight all of that. And then they say I want to marry a Muslim. It is completely outrageous for you to say no, but they're not exactly our type. They're not perfect. Because you are clearly, you know, they say in Arabic alkyl doofy. I knew me he was

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in Urdu. They say Marco Ducati, barinas. olatuja. Right. They say that in English, I don't know, we don't say that in English.

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You know, but the idea is that you have your your perception of your children is so perfect, and you want someone who's really gonna be just, nobody's good enough. And so you keep shooting all these proposals down, because they're not exactly what you were expecting. I am sorry, parents, the world is not what you lived in anymore. It has changed. Everything has changed. And you know, the one thing that doesn't change in Islam for Muslims is our principles. Our principles don't change, but our social realities change. Our circumstances change, our economic conditions change and we have to adapt. We have to live in the reality that surrounds us. If you find people of La ilaha illAllah

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that are holding on to their character guarding their chastity, they're going to make good fathers and good mothers, then there is no reason you should be saying no, I mentioned this a few months ago, when I came to Canada recently and did a program the only marriage mentioned in the Quran. The only marriage process mentioned in the Quran is of Musa alayhis salaam, marrying the one of the daughters of the two old fellow in Medina. And that is an intercultural marriage. He's from Louisa Island, they're an Arab. And the only marriage mentioned is the one where the girl actually suggested the guy,

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which is all unconventional for us, right, but it's in the Quran. So what's more conventional than the last book, you know, we've just created these standards that are making our own lives difficult, we need to let slowly let some of that go, we need to let some of that go. And we need to ease some of that tension from our children, we need to let them you know, we've again, we've trusted them with a lot. And if you have and if you put them out there, and they're staying away from the drama, they're staying away from the things that are love forbade, that is an accomplishment in and of itself, at least honor them a little bit, and give them some word in this. I know you're very strong

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in your opinion about who they should marry. So what you do is eventually you when the guy suggests somebody, you say, No, she's from another country, she's actually she doesn't even have to be from another country. You could be from Hyderabad. And she's from Madras. That's bad enough.

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That's why you don't even have to be even though they're not in the same zip code. And that's not good enough for you sometimes. So you go and find somebody exactly the way you need on paper. But you don't check to see what their character is like. And you end up with a well qualified exactly from your own family line from you know, some some connection somewhere. You imported him from some exotic country, and then you find two weeks later that he's drinking, that he's beating her. And I've seen these realities, because we don't know those people. We don't know them. I'm not saying all of them are bad, but there's enough horror stories for me to know, for me to be able to share

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this is real, this this stuff is really it's eating away at the fabric of our communities. What are we supposed to do, if we don't adjust if our elders stop, if they don't stop putting that kind of psychological pressure on their young, then we're gonna have a lost generation will lay. It's gonna be a crisis generation. And you don't want somebody you don't want your son or your daughter to marry someone when they're emotionally invested into somebody else. They're gonna have a miserable married life anyway. You know, it's a really serious problem. And that's just some things I wanted to share with the parents. One more thing about parents, especially they see parents here I'm sorry,

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I'm gonna take three minutes out. We do apologies, mom.

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Officially, una cama cama de la casa de la who knows where there's a specific problem for the Indian Pakistanis.

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Let me tell you guys something for in our culture. In indo Pak culture, there's something that the Arabs and other ethnicities don't have. We have this idea that our children our sons, especially when they grow up, they will take care of us. We will become entirely dependent on them in other cultures, when

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You get older, you have this pride in knowing that you are independent that your children are living their own lives, and you are living your own life. And you have of course interaction with each other and healthy relations and a constant communication. But you're not dependent necessarily, not unless some life tragedy hits some major catastrophe, some health issue, but in the Desi culture, that is your retirement plan, your son is your retirement plan. So what you do then is, you don't want to mess with your retirement plan. So when you're looking for a girl, you're looking for a girl who's not gonna stir up any trouble in the home, because it's still your home, not his home. So when

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you marry him to a girl, you bring her in, really, as a servant, not as a daughter, number one. And when you bring on another No, no, no, no, no, not yet. Not yet. Don't clap yet. And when you bring her in, you check first to make sure she doesn't have too much of an education, or she doesn't have too much of a mouth, or doesn't have too much of an intelligence, because that might mess with the insurance plan and the retirement plan. And so now and you insist on having a joint family system, good for you. But once you have that joint family system, you make sure every other chance you get you let that poor girl know whose house this really is. So you see made a big Tigger. Gotcha.

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This is my son's house, you got that? You got that? Okay. Now make me a rookie.

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You know, and the girl will say, I haven't examined two hours, I can't make you a roti right now. I can make the homeless right now please, can I just study for my exam, and then your son will come home. And she'll say, the mother will say to the son today, your your daughter, she insulted me so much, she slapped me on the face, and said I can make my own royalties. And all this drama happens inside these homes, because the mother and the mother, the mother in law wants to retain keep her son and not let him live his own life. On the other hand, it creates a hatred in the daughter in law for the mother in law, and you know what's gonna happen next, what's gonna happen next is the

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husband is going to spend a lot of time at the masjid. That's what's gonna happen next.

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Is I dealing with this, I'm about to volunteer. So, you know.

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So this oppression that's happening inside our homes needs to come to an end, this needs to stop, we need to understand that this is problematic on the other side. On the other side, let me talk to the young people so they don't collapse so much anymore. Now it's time for the elders to clap. Let me tell you younger folks, something, especially those of you that are looking to get married, the approaches you've taken to find a spouse, I will not spell out for you, you already know. And I already know

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the options you've considered the conversations you've had, the social interactions you've had are between you and Allah, I'm no one to judge. But I know some of you have a guilty conscience inside of you. My first plea I am, I'm begging you, I'm pleading with you, the most important asset you have, the most valuable thing you will have in this life is a clean heart is a clean heart, because that is the only key agenda. That is the only key to salvation on Yom Okayama. And when you give your heart prematurely to a relationship, that is a legitimate, then that heart starts getting dirty. And when a heart starts getting dirty, and is no longer suitable for Allah xojo anymore. So

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don't think that your relationships or your inappropriate interactions and you know, inappropriate, you know, relationships are not going to have a spiritual impact. They absolutely and certainly will. And they will destroy in you the most valuable thing that you carry within you your Eman, they will ruin it. You have to protect that faith. When you're looking for a spouse, it's okay to look for somebody that you're attracted to that you find good looking that you find their personalities nice and all of these other things. But don't forget the principles.

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A few principles if you can observe them, I think we can clean this process up. I didn't even talk about online matrimonials. You know why? Because the online if you can observe these principles, it doesn't matter if you're looking for a spouse online or on site or on campus or on convention or on whatever, it doesn't matter. It's the matter of observing particular principles. Try to try to live by some of this stuff. And you'll see a lot of butterfly in your own relationships. First of all, understand that for the guys, the girl you like is somebody's sister is somebody whose daughter is the respect and honor of somebody's family. So when you're staring at her like that, just think

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about somebody staring at your sister like that. Just remind yourself of that. It's a you know, just remember, this is somebody's honor we're talking about it's okay for you to see a glance and say, Oh, I want to marry her. That was great. But one glance was good enough for you and you take the dignified approach. Then the second thing of course, first of all, don't be a perv and walk around like

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huh, don't do that. You know, that's not the kind of Islamic spirit we're trying to revive here.

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You know? So that's one but two if you do find somebody interesting. Take a take a risk.

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respectful approach, take it, you know, there are formal chaperoned matrimonial type sessions, that's fine, at least as a chaperone present there. And if that's not the case, the best approach Honest to God, the best approach is an indirect one. The best approach is through a friend through somebody, you know, a friend who has a sister who knows her, etc, etc. Try to be as indirect as possible, because when your direct chiffon loves it, he just puts stuff in you, and he puts stuff in her and the giggle start and the smiling and then the texting begins, and then you're sharing it, then you're adding each other on Facebook, and then you're calling each other late at night, then

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the Skype thing begins, then things get out of hand, things take one step at a time, and they just really get out of hand, take as indirect and approach as possible. And you know, some people ask, Well, how am I supposed to get to know the person? You can? It's fine. There's nothing wrong with getting to know the person, but get others involved. And so that's the other thing I want to attack today. It is there's no harm in two families talking to each other. It is not too formal. Don't go crazy. They're getting engaged. It's just two people trying to talk in a respectful way. Don't turn it into something it's not. So families. Usually I don't want to tell my family, it's not that

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serious. Yeah, actually, that's the problem. You should tell your family even when it's not serious, and your family shouldn't get all crazy, we can approach them, they might take it too seriously. It's not serious. It's just two families talking, that's how communication is supposed to happen. If you're not involved in it, they're gonna do it on their own Anyway, you can't stop it. A lecture will not stop it. It's already happening. It's been happening. And it didn't just start in 2013. It's been happening. It was it's all around us. You don't think that stuff was happening when I was going to college in 1835, it was still happening. You know, these are realities, we have to deal

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with reality instead of cursing and yelling at it, it's not gonna change it, you know, we have to face it. So get your family involved. Don't let your family get too worked up about it's too big of a deal. Don't let it become too big of a deal. It's okay to have a conversation with a family with a, you know, guy talking to a girl with a chaperone getting to know each other trying to figure things out and things like that. And if it works out, it works out If not, you move on. But you didn't get emotionally attached. You had some butterflies in your stomach, but they didn't turn into like entire pigeons in your stomach. Right? So you didn't go that crazy. You didn't get you didn't

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become emotionally invested. Here's the problem with becoming emotionally invested. When you become emotionally invested, you fall in love with a girl or with a guy or something. And you're like, I have to marry this person, you have First of all, you have no guarantees, it's gonna work out. And second of all, when you get that infatuated, you don't care what anybody else thinks. They still hold the Matura, right. And when you go that crazy, then you don't want to listen to anybody. And so you don't listen to your parents. You don't listen to her parents, you don't listen to your brother, your sister, nobody's advice matters to you anymore, that speak these parents try to bring you to a

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speaker, Chef talk to him, he wants to marry this girl. And she's like, what am I gonna do? You know, don't marry her.

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Okay,

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doesn't work, it was too late. And when the end if it doesn't work out, one of two things happens if it does work out, you have scarred your family. Because you went to on a war against your family to do it. And if it doesn't work out, you're scarred forever, and you will not be able to have a healthy relationship again, because in the back of your mind will be the other relationship. It's an unhealthy way to go about things you know. So don't do it. And, you know, don't engage, don't invest yourself emotionally don't quote unquote, fall in love like that. And if you think you just fell in love in this conference, walking down the hall, you saw a girl there. Oh, look,

00:28:39--> 00:28:45

that's not falling in love. That's just your hormones. Congratulations, you're a teenager. You know, that's that's not love.

00:28:48--> 00:29:26

Anyhow, so for young people, you know, my serious advice is we have to, we have to become a little more serious. So there's two sides of it at the parent side and the youth side. For young people, my advice is get become a little more strict. And for my parents, my advice has become a little less strict. Like we've got an imbalance situation here. We've got youth that have no guidelines, and no restrictions. Nothing's wrong. Everything's permissible, like Assassin's Creed, or something. Right? It's like that. On the other side. You've got parents that are way too strict, and they're unrealistic in their strictness. And so we're choking our own community in this way. So proud of

00:29:26--> 00:29:59

that. This should not be happening. Now. Those of you that are married married people show of hands in 1990 when they leave your home, okay, good. Man, people that are here. part of your job is to help young people get married, especially the younger couples here. Younger couples here you both you know, the the men and the women in that couple they have friends that aren't married that they've known for a while and you need to be the become matchmakers before they have to resort to anonymous websites, which the same guy is on every website. He's got his profile on every single website. Everybody knows him.

00:30:00--> 00:30:11

You know, that was one of my friends got married, he had his profile and like 30 Muslim matrimonial sites, and he asked me to speak at his wedding and I was like, the internet will not be the same anymore.

00:30:12--> 00:30:27

The internet connection speeds just increased because so much load has been taken offline with all of these profiles. You know, servers that were crashing for Jeep for ages are now backup online now because you know, you Congratulations.

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And by and I, you know, cuz I'm pretty cruel in my marriage talks. So I told him by the way, every sister in the hall that's not made knows everything about you your height, where you work, your favorite color, cuz, yeah, they've been to those websites.

00:30:44--> 00:31:20

Mashallah, so, you know, I'm not against the online thing, I'm really not, it's a reality, if you don't have any connections, what are you gonna do, but be careful about it, don't look for just a shallow, you know, criteria. Look for something more meaningful, you're looking for someone you're gonna live with the rest of your life. And for those of you younger girls that are being forced by their parents to marry some of their cousin from Bangladesh, those of you that are being forced to marry and they're being told you have to marry this person. Okay, what about this one, and we brought another one and we brought another one, and they just keep getting uglier. For some reason.

00:31:20--> 00:31:44

I don't know what it is. But they keep getting up here and the pressure is mounting on you. Because you're reaching the cultural expiration date. Let me tell you something very strictly, very seriously. If you don't open your mouth, if you don't open your mouth and clearly say, this is not how I want to live. This is not going to be the next 50 years of my life. This is not what I want to do. If you don't open your mouth and say you shouldn't say anything.

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My parents won't understand No, families will not resolve issues until you openly talk. I'm not talking about yelling and screaming. But you have to be open and clear and let your parents know. This is not how it's gonna go. It's not disrespectful. And parents, please listen to this. Please listen to this. Don't force your daughters into a marriage they're not happy with don't say on their behalf. No, no, no, she's happy. We know we know her. You don't know her. You don't know her. She's not happy. You're just saying that because I'm asking. No, she's okay. They don't you don't know that they come crying to the emails why my father wants me to marry. I guess I should do you have

00:32:24--> 00:32:43

you seen the guy? No, but it's my parents. What can I do in Islam you have to obey your parents no matter what. Yes, in Islam, you have to obey your parents no matter what. But also in Islam. Parents cannot be unjust. They don't have an open license to do whatever they want. They don't have that either. In Islam, parents and children are supposed to have a trusting relationship. You know,

00:32:44--> 00:32:51

don't hijack You know, sometimes the only I our parents noise will be Wali Dini. Asana is the only Quran they don't even know the whole idea.

00:32:55--> 00:32:56

You know?

00:32:58--> 00:32:58

Got me again.

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And they use that card. Look, our Dean emphasizes the rights of parents more than any other religion known to man, more than any other religion. But our religion also emphasizes fairness and must leave the idea of responsibility. Like parent parents do not get that many rights without having that many responsibilities. And you have responsibilities to your daughters and your sons. You really, really do this your homework assignment after this lecture. You know what it is? And open, honest, honest, brave conversation with your parents about when you think you should be married, why you think you should be married, what kind of person you think you should marry, and parents don't flip out.

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Don't flip out and young men, and this is my last piece until I have a minute 20 I just want to talk to the young men. I talked to the girls a little bit. You know, get brave. Don't be shy anymore. Just be a little stronger. But for the young men, can you become men?

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godsake

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Listen, listen, listen, if you're like in your 20s and every time you have a break, every time you have time off from school or a weekend off, you're spending it behind a screen with a PlayStation three or a four or Xbox or whatever else, then you're not a man yet go. First of all get a job even while you're in high school in college, I don't care get a job. It'll turn you into a man. It'll make you ready for marriage. Just because you find girls pretty doesn't mean you're ready to get married. That doesn't mean that you have to show some responsibility to be able to stand on your own two feet. And parents have teenage children. If you're not pushing your children to do work. You're

00:34:37--> 00:34:59

like 100 I can afford it. I'm a doctor. I'm an engineer. I'm a business owner. I can afford it. My children don't have to work. Yes they do because it's part of their education. I don't care if you're like changing tires at a car shop. You know at a mechanic shop. I don't care if your lawn mowing but do work. It will give you respect for money. It gives you respect and responsibility. It prepares you for life.

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I made a case to my parents when I was 20 years old. I'm Pakistani you know that suicide, right? I made a case to my parents when I was 20 that I want to get married. But you know what? I had been working 40 hours a week since I was 16. In New York City. I've never worked less than 40 hours a week. That was an easy week for me and I've been going full time to college. You know, in high school, I actually took a longer time to graduate out of college, because I had work. I never once took money from my parents for college tuition. I refuse as a No way. If I can't afford it. I'm not going to college. I'll work on it myself. I've worked in shoe stores. I've worked in surgical places

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I've worked in like local queens newspapers, I've done all kinds of crazy jobs. I even worked in the DC grocery store. You Oh my god.

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But I worked there for one day, but I did and I'm proud of it. I'm not ashamed of it.

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I worked at a I worked at a travel agency where my boss was a really mean Bangladeshi fellow. I love Bangladeshis. But he was really mean. He was really like, I used to call him the travel Nazi. He was really bad. And when I didn't make enough sales that day, he just yell at me. So one day, I just had it, I yelled back at him and I got fired. You know? And like, 10 years later, I was given quote by in Long Island, and he was in the first row.

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And I have a beard. Now he didn't have a beard back then. And he recognized me too. He's like,

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you know, and after the July, everybody says,

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How are you doing for my children? He comes in, he shakes my hand, he gives me a lot of still useless.

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Right? Like, I know, I know. I know.

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But you know why I'm telling you this. I'm telling you this because there's no shame in working. It's part of what makes you who you are. I got married at the age of 22. But I had I can argue I had a right to I was on my own for quite some time. I was taking care of my own responsibilities. You know, and if you're doing that, then don't expect the highest things in life. my in laws are crazy. They're just crazy. You know, I got married. Six months after I got laid off.

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I didn't have a job and I got married. Because they didn't they didn't I know. I know. I know. Okay, and

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I didn't get married because I had the money. I got married because my my in laws felt that I was good for it. That was it. I could prove myself to them. That's all it was there. So look for that in a son. Look for that in the boys. May Allah azza wa jal turn our young men into real men that can carry household responsibilities and really become good husbands to the sisters that are here that are looking to get married be allies that will find all of our young young singles milazzo help find all help all of them find the appropriate couple the appropriate spells that will give them a happy married life. May Allah also help all of the divorced people here, get remarried and get remarried

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quickly inshallah Tada. As I conclude, I have a request I was somebody came up to me and asked a young man named Sal daddy.

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His number if you can write it down is 215-667-9395 is a young man who's actually on dialysis for a few years, and he's looking for a kidney donor. So if any of you are willing to help him once again, his number is 215-667-9395. If anybody would like to donate a kidney or know somebody who would like to donate a kidney 21 years or older, please reach out to him inshallah. Tada barakallahu Li, welcome. Thank you so much for your patience and listening to them already.