Let Them Get Married – P2
Channel: Nouman Ali Khan
File Size: 20.68MB
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A couple of weeks ago when I was here I spoke with you about
the right of people to get married. And I made a promise that I'll be addressing the subject matter that pertains to young men or unmarried men. And what Eliza just has to give us in terms of guidance on to men in terms of guidance on how to become the kinds of men that can actually carry out the responsibility of marriage. And what I want to start by saying is, I'm not sure if I'll be able to complete what I intend to share with you from the Quran on this subject, in today's whatever, but at least it's a sort of a conversation.
This more or less is a kind of conversation I've had 1000s of times with many, many young men from around the world in private settings, but never really in the form of a lecture except in passing. The first thing I want to start with is to let you know that some of the most important teachings of the Quran and guidance and counsel of the Quran, Allah tells us by way of telling us a story. And that's actually what really good teachers do. Really good teachers will tell you timeless lessons by telling you a story. And you get the not just the characters and the events, but you understand the lesson that the teacher is trying to get across to you. By by the way the story was told. And the
lead does that in his stories, he teaches us a lot of timeless lessons that apply to our lives today, by way, by the way in which he tells us different stories. And really the most glazing glaring story in the Quran that has guidance for young men that are of the age where they should be getting married, or they're they think they're ready to get married, is probably the story of Busan in Salaam because it's the only marriage proposal and marriage story mentioned in the Quran in that detail. So even though I've talked about that story hundreds of times, my intention, first and foremost, before I go to some other things like there's a there's a couple of ahaadeeth. And there's
some other specific items around on the subject that I wanted to touch on. But before I do that, I wanted to take another look at this story, specifically for men, men that are looking to get married, how can they extract some things for themselves. And if you have sons, for example, that are of the age to get married, or you're, you know, one of the women of our communities considering somebody for marriage, these are all relevant for everybody because marriage is a part of life. And so what I wanted to dedicate this clip but who is the start of that conversation?
You see the first thing Allah mentions about musala Islam relevant to our discussion is what Amala should the who was Stella Athena hookman Wellman.
Allah describes Masada some before he was a prophet. And he says when he reached mature age, by law,
and that is a poor translation really mature age because it actually in legal terms, means when you hit puberty, so you know, balharshah, who in the Quran, he reached, his most firm age actually means the age of puberty. Because in our game, in our religion, when a young man, even though in modern in modern society, we call them adolescence. And they're their teenage years in Sharia, when you're old enough to hit puberty and you start feeling that genuine attraction towards the opposite gender, you aren't held accountable as an adult. You're not a young kid who doesn't have a driver's license yet, or you don't have a house yet, or you don't have a full time job. As far as Sims are concerned. As
far as the obligations of our religion are concerned, Allah Himself holds you as accountable as he was somebody who's 60 years old. So you're an adult, as far as allies speaking to you. What happens in modern society is we we treat young men and even women, but particularly I want to talk about young men, we treat them like kids, even though actually in the last sight, they're not kids. They've already entered into manhood. And when you treat someone like children, and you talk to them, like children, and you, you give them an environment in which everything is reinforcing the idea that they're a mature, they're just kids. They're just young, they never even accept for
themselves that they've, they're men.
And what that does, is sometimes you find and this is reality, not just in the Muslim world, but in the world. There's reality, that there are people that are now 35 years old, addicted to their PlayStation and haven't ever become men, because they're still kids.
They never snap out of it. And so what we wanted, you know, one of the most important things that I hope you get out of this discussion is what is what is the picture of love haints of a man that's become mature and that man that
become mature could be 18 years old, can be 17 years old. I'm in the Muslim Muslim history is full of incredible young ob called teenage kids, but not according to Allah. They're not kids. That became generals of armies. That, you know, were advisors to the Prophet salallahu alaihe salam, can you imagine Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam in Medina, I mean, he became a messenger at the age of 40. And when someone's a governor, when someone's in a position of garbage, like the Prophet was when he was in his mid 50s, when he was a governor of Medina. And when you think of a governor, and you think of the advisors of a governor, you think of people that have many years of political
experience, you think of people that are experts in some field, right. And they're the ones that he's going to take important advice from. And when it came to some of the most intricate issues in his life, and some of the even some of the most personal issues in his life, he would take a special and he would take consultation from young men. In some cases, teenagers, some cases, early 20s, you will take their opinion and their input, something as serious as the Quraysh coming and attacking Medina, and he wants the counsel of the Shambala Marina they want he wants the young people to speak up. And he's taking their advice, and he listened to them over the adults, for better or for worse.
So it you know, age is a relative thing in different cultures. But from a religious point of view, the first thing I really want you to internalize is, you know, if you are a teenager, and if you are in your 20s, then you're not a kid, you're not a kid, you know, people like to say that to you, oh, you're not a man. You're just a kid. Let them have fun. But no, no, no. Because if you said let them have fun, and Allah decides that they die now, Allah knows how long our life is. They're not when judgment is starts. The angels aren't going to be like recording Oh, you're just a kid, okay, you go, we go easy on you. You're an adult. And you say you're like, wait, everybody told me I'm just a
kid? No, you're not. They're not you're an adult. So that level of maturity needs to get brought up. Now, how did it get brought up in the case of musasa, some background that I need you to understand musala salam, since birth, was actually you know, much. Soon after birth. He was raised in the castle and the Palace of the Pharaoh. And he was raised as a royal. Now, what does that mean? That means he doesn't have to work a single day in his life. Everything is taken care of the house is taken care of food is taken care of security is taken care of, on top of all of his needs, because he's royal. He can have whatever kind of ride he wants, he can have whatever kind of fun he wants,
he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. And nobody can question and nobody can ask him anything because he has access to everything. It's the equivalent of somebody being like a millionaire, or, you know, a multi millionaire, and they have a teenage kid. Right. And you imagine that some of you that are in high school, or remember the days of your high school or that age, in your school, there were some kids that were super rich families, right. And those kids are the biggest trouble because they would do whatever they want. They come in the fanciest car and we're just looking at them. Well, Matt's got a nice car. He's got new shoes on every week. He's got the
most expensive clothes, they're the most popular and they do the most stupid things in their life. Because they have everything, they don't have any value. And here you are delivering newspapers and like working on shoe stores and whatever else to scrape up a little bit of money so you can get a used car for $500 that rides almost as fast as your bicycle. Right and then they pull up by their with their Mercedes. You know, that's different lives. But husana Nissan actually has this royal lifestyle and in which which kingdom, the mightiest kingdom on earth at the time, the pharaohs, the Ferghana. But somehow, even though that environment is perfect for someone being spoiled, it's
actually meant for someone to be spoiled. Allah says Allah intervened analysis of a novel Pokemon where a man
when he became mature, and strong in his age, meaning he came into manhood, young man now, Allah says he gave him Pokemon, he gave him an ability to make good decisions. That's how we translate Pokemon. Pokemon doesn't just mean wisdom, it means the strength and the will to make good decisions. Now let's pause before we go any further Actually, I'll tell you one more thing when when and knowledge. So to put simply wisdom, and knowledge, let's think about that for a second. The basic definition of wisdom Hickman in the Arabic language is available now Pharaoh wollombi is two part definition,
beneficial knowledge that you can act on. That's wisdom. That's wisdom. And in this ayah Allah said, Allah gave him wisdom and knowledge hokum and now this order is important because usually when you're young, you're learning you're getting in. You're learning and learning and learning and when you get older and your hair turns your beard
turns white like mine is now then you can say maybe I'm starting to get a little bit of wisdom. Because experience teaches you, right? So we think of wisdom as something that belongs to old people. And we think of knowledge. Because you know, as you get older, your mind is not as sharp. If you're sitting in a college classroom with a bunch of young 20 year olds, they're answering all their questions and you're still on like, the first minute you're lost. because your mind is not as sharp anymore, you have more wisdom, they have a better ability to seek knowledge, right. So usually, you would think knowledge comes first. And then later on comes wisdom, your ability to
memorize your ability to learn and steadies, far sharper at a younger age, and then it slows down. But your ability to analyze, and your ability to take what's beneficial and what's harmful, your maturity that comes at a later age. But Allah says about this young man, that before even knowledge a lot prioritize that he gave him wisdom. So listen, young man, listen to this carefully. When you're at a certain age, then you can be super smart in school, you can get 100 on your math test and your biology exam, you can be an A student, you can apply to the best colleges, you are highly, highly intelligent. And sometimes these highly intelligent young men are not very intelligent at
all. It's the same intelligent young man who's speeding on a highway. It's the same intelligent young man who's doing drugs or drinking alcohol or doing things that they're that are completely, utterly reckless and harmful for themselves. When it comes to the books extremely smart. When it comes to the classroom, extremely smart when it comes to life making the stupidest decisions, making absolutely absurd decision, which means what we've done in in the world today is we we are proud when our children have knowledge, like if your son is a valedictorian, or they got honors, or they got a medal or they got, you know, they did great, they did good in their school, where you're proud
of your kids, you're proud because we glorify knowledge, you know, we glorify degrees. But while they're getting those degrees, they're sacrificing basic wisdom, they don't know what it means to be a decent person. They don't know what it means to control their impulses. They don't know what it means to make good choices. And quite frankly, if you're living in any part, any, any, you know, most most of the world, it's not even just an American problem. In pretty much the entire world today, young men are faced with the opportunity to make terrible choices, every single minute.
Every single minute you haven't, you have an opportunity to make a bad choice. Your wisdom is questioned all the time, all the time. And if you don't have the strength of will to fight off bad choices and to make mature decisions, then you don't have
you may have a lot of knowledge. And you have you find young men in a situation where they say, I know it's bad man, but I just can't stop. I mean, I know I have and I know I can't help it. Because there's no emphasis on hokum. The first thing in the mature, you know, building of a man, that a lot highlights is the ability to hold yourself back from making bad choices. Allah does not hold you accountable young men, it doesn't hold you accountable for having that boss. He holds you accountable for letting those thoughts take control of you
for not having them if he brought you into and it can feel like those feelings, those impulses, those emotions can be so overwhelming. You're like, I just got to do this, I can't I can't control it. I need to do what I got to do. I'm only human you can come up with all these excuses for yourself. But at the end what a lie is telling you and me is Allah has given us a profound the ability to control ourselves to actually demonstrate maturity he has given men that strength, men and women but I'm talking about men in this whole book, he has given you that strength. And then when you have that strength, then knowledge becomes different because then when you learn something,
you learn it only to further yourself in wisdom. So Allah says about Musashi Salaam, fellow Marbella shadow Westover when he became mature age and he was very strong, is still actually is used for marks of trees, meaning he was he was he worked out.
He was extremely muscular and strong. And now you think he's popular, he's extremely wealthy, he belongs to the royal family. He's a teenager. He's super smart, and he's strong. That's a lethal combination for any young man in any society. All kinds of trouble will come your way, when that combination exists, you see, and yet Allah says he was able to remain mature, always teaching us through this example who sadly Salaam was not brought up in an Islamic environment. He was brought up in Pharaoh's house for God's sake. The only positive influence was the advice of his mother and his stepmother. That's it. Those are the positive influences in his life, but the entire society and
you know, and I know young men don't spend most of their time with their mothers, they're outside, they're looking at friends, they're doing other things. That's one small influence while you have all
These other terrible influences. There's nobody reminding him of what's hot and what's hot on outside, none. And there's everything that you can think of that's bad is open and accessible. So when you think man times used to be better, and now it's because of my environment that I messed up a lot gave us an example of a remarkable young man who's in a pretty terrible environment, and he's standing his ground.
And that's how we compensate those who excel. So this is the first key sort of hint that Allah gave us about the early majority of Busan is
the second piece of the puzzle with Busan, a cylinder that helps us think about what kind of personality Do you want to have? By the way, when some of you start thinking, Well, you know, he's a prophet. So it's not like we're prophets. So this doesn't really apply. He became a life messenger.
On Well, after he was married, when he was up on the mountain,
when Allah spoke to him, when revelation came to him, right now, this is a story of a good young man. That's actually what this story is. It's a story of a good young man, who's not a messenger of Allah yet, you see. And people even make the false assumption that he killed somebody, which which prophet killed someone. He wasn't a prophet yet.
Even though that was a mistake, he wasn't a messenger of a liar. He became a messenger, but Allah gave him the message. And that happened on the mountain much later on.
Right, so But anyway, so now, coming back to the the, just one more bit that at least in this clip, I want to share with you about personality, no man's personality, Musa alayhis salam eventually ends up running away from Egypt. And so he has no connection left to his family, he's in a new world altogether. And in this new world, he sees a couple of young girls struggling to feed their animals, and he helps them
and when he helps them, they go back and tell their dad, and their dad says, sounds like a good person, call him. So now, and we'll dig into that part of the story later, because I'm going to focus on Lutheranism for now. He comes to the house. And you can tell from a careful reading of the Quran, that one of the girls really likes him.
She thinks he's a good catch. I mean, these girls work outside, they work animals in by the lake by the time we're all the other non Muslims and corrupt people are all there to not not not Muslims are corrupt, but they are in a corrupt society. So they hear bad influences all the time. They see bad men all the time. They deal with it all the time. But they see this as a good person. So she kind of likes him. Even though he told her father, he told her, you know, he didn't come to ask from heritage. He just came because he had nowhere else to go. He was homeless. He had no no other clothes than the one he was wearing. He didn't know where his next meal was gonna come from. So when
the girl came back and said, my father would like to pay you for the help you provided. He said, Okay, let's go get paid. So he goes, he goes, anybody sitting there? bakasana He says, He told them at the old the old gentleman his whole story. I was raised in the castle, I accidentally killed someone. I'm a fugitive from the law, the Egyptian Empire with the military and the military, police are looking for me, I the order is shoot to kill, I'm wanted for murder. And I'm also homeless. This is my situation.
And one of the girls was listening from the other side calls the dad and says she's listening from the other side, like, Oh, my God, What's the story? And she calls the Father. And she says some remarkable words. She says, Yeah, but the schedule for dad hire him. Dad, I love you hire him. Give him a job.
I just heard he killed someone. I just heard he's homeless. I just heard he's a fugitive. I think you should give him a job.
Well, you know, she's not just saying give him a job. She's saying, I'd like to marry you. Because if he gives him a job, he's gonna work at the house. That's where he's gonna work. And there's two unmarried girls in the only logical way this is gonna work is if they're going to get married. But she found a smart way to tell her that I think this is a good man. And this can help her family, and I'm ready to marry him. But her coded way of saying that was higher.
But she didn't just stop there. And that's what I want to leave off for next time. In the halo minister jumped away.
She said the best kind of person you can hire in code, the best kind of person you want me to marry. The best candidate for me would be
I mean, the strong, the trustworthy, two qualities. She sees two qualities and he's strong, and he's trustworthy. Now strong doesn't just mean that he's muscular. Strong also means he was strong enough to not be like other men when they deal with women.
Strong also means he was able to do the right thing when everybody else was doing the wrong thing. Strong also means he was able to take responsibility and fix something wrong and actually intervene and not just be be a coward. He was when you see something wrong, you step up. You'd be a man about it. He's pretty strong when it comes to that. Strong also means he's capable of working
He's capable of making a living. He's capable. He's financially strong, even though he doesn't have a job. You should say, you know, nowadays we say, what kind of job do you have? How much money do you make? She's not looking at how much money he makes the guy's homeless. She's looking at his strength. He has the capability of working. He has the majority of the work ethic, I can tell. He's not just someone spoiled he I didn't mention this to you. Even when he was a royal. He used to skip out of the house and go in the middle of the afternoon when the sun is at its worst in Egypt. And he used to help the poor do their work because they were all slave laborers. He used to do their work.
What teenage billionaires gonna do that?
Because he had work ethic in him. He was concerned for others. He cared he didn't just care about himself. He wasn't a young man who's thinking man, what shoes Am I gonna buy now? What video given back? I got I got a new car. I want one I'm gonna watch this movie. What are we gonna go to this game? mee mee mee mee mee mee mee entertain me feed me clothes me make me look but he's not obsessed with himself. This is a problem. He wants to go help them.
Well, look at me give me attention. That's that's strength. Strength means that he uses the gifts Allah has given him not obsessed with himself. And by the way, when you get to a teenage, you know, age, then it is pretty natural for most young men to become obsessed with themselves. You spot spend, start spending a little extra time in front of the mirror. You start thinking a lot about your, your shoes and the jeans you're wearing. What kind of car if you if your parents drive an old busted old car, you're like that, can you drop me two blocks before the high school I don't want to be seen in this. You know, classic.
walk by myself. You know, you want to you want to look a certain way you want to come across a certain way. But he has the strength to let these petty things be petty things he wants to be a man so easily. And that's a very powerful quality that I want to start off with limoncello without him coming home. First, I want to pick up on this how how I want the young men of our community to actually be strong. Don't just think about entertaining yourself. Don't just think about feeding yourself. What are you gonna do with your life? How many you know you I mean, college kids that are like 2022 23 years old? Hey, What's your major? haven't decided? What?
What are you going to do? I'm thinking about what you're thinking. Now.
You should be clear about what you want or explore and ask questions. As soon as you hit your puberty, as soon as even before then you should be working. And some of you that Mashallah Allah has given you a house, Allah has given you a car, you know, has given you luxury, and you want to You worked hard to get there. And you want your kids to not have the hard life that you had, you're destroying your kids.
They don't work. So they don't appreciate anything. You keep buying them things, and they're like,
Oh, we got another one next week. They don't know what it means to work hard to get yelled at by a boss to be late and lose your job, and then work, work, work and then be able to buy a T shirt. They don't know that. They don't know what it means to be a man. They just know how to just get things. And then when they don't get them. They can whine. They can complain. I hate it here. I want a room by myself. I don't want to share it with my brother. Are you serious? Are you four years old? Your men, your men, this is not what men do. This is what children do. Instead of being contributors to the household, when men living with their family having their own job and not paying a single bill
in the House. Are you serious? This is man, this woman what looks like where's
where's the cool. So this is something we have to dig into before you say, Well, you know, someone said men should get married because there's fitness in society. Yeah, men should get married.
Let's be men first. And then we can talk about
let's pick up some responsibility. First, let's carry ourselves first. Let's be COVID first, and then we pick on amine alcovy amine, and we go from there and a little paint a very clear picture of what he wants you to look like. And by the way, when you have those qualities, you don't have to find someone to get married to they'll find you. You can be homeless, running away from an empire with no clothes on your back except the ones you're wearing and alone will find you somebody you don't have to go look at. Because you're coming in to me. So maybe there's something wrong with us with men, not with the society and blaming everybody else. That's not what Busan is, does. That's
not what the Quran teaches us. I pray that Allah azza wa jal gives our sons the ability to become the kind of men that will strengthen this oma and really uplifted for generations to come. barakallahu li walakum filco Hakim when finally we are coming at you with the Santa Monica