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Emotionally Traumatized, Spiritually Recovering

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Nouman Ali Khan

Channel: Nouman Ali Khan

Episode Notes

Khutbah

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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hamdulillah

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Al Hamdulillah Ahmed who want to step in or who want to stop, when he want to talk casually, when we let him in phalodi, unforseen our mentor, Melina and yet the Allahu philomel vilella home and your Villa de la want to shadow a la ilaha illa Allah by the hula shanika when a shadow Allah Mohammed Abdullah he was Zulu. Allahu Allahu Allah Buddha would even hug the yoga Hara who Allah de equally what a fabulous ADA, some Allah Allah He was seldom at the Sleeman kathira and Kira, Nevada and now stuck on hediki tabula, or highlight honey and you Mohammed in sallallahu alayhi wa sallam were in a shotgun or moody mcdata to heart we're in academic setting with wakulla Middleton Walla Walla Walla,

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now,

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Allah azza wa jal kalimba and akula are over below him in front of a team

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theif around after all, our analysis behind the mean and offset man Avenue slightly cooler along Europe be caffeine our lead and while a bit stuffy Nami normally casini of alcohol attacker Latif, alpha intermittent caffeine,

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from Jackie Saudi were sadly angry Dr. Tommy lasagna, Coco de la COVID-19 multi Villa de la la la much I'm in a Latina I'm an environmental study had what also without the sun coming behind me

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and today's Harbor, and probably few subsequent quarters before the start of Ramadan, I am going to try and dedicate them to a subject that is, it's certainly not easy. But my attention came on to this subject matter in doctrine, I would say probably three or four years ago that I was introduced to this area of inquiry. And it it completely took me in I was absorbed by how oblivious I was to this dimension of the study of the Quran. So what I'm going to do first is take a few minutes to kind of explain where this is coming from. And then I'm going to talk about how hopefully I can address this over the course of the next few years. So this basically began with my study of my

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revisiting of the story of musante salaam, and those of you that follow my lectures know that I talked quite a bit about most hobbies.

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But in particular, it was the psychological dimension. And the, really the the mental health dimension of a lot of the dialogue that took place between him and Fidel. And those dynamics are they were very unique because I mean, I studied the faasil on the subject before, but I had never looked at them from a psychological lens. And this is important because obviously Mousavi said I was raised by the Pharaoh. He is the father figure in his life. So you can argue he's an abusive father figure in his life. He's also someone you can't escape, because he lives in the Empire, where's he gonna go? If he, you know, if you have someone abusing you, you will report to the authorities and

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is the if at all, and he is the authority, so you can't go anywhere. He had, it's a mixed sort of a relationship because on the one hand, he is hateful and enslaving his own people. And on the other, he's providing for him, he's giving him a roof over his head. He's basically paying the bills, if you will, right. And he's also sheltering his own mother. Because his provisions Allah made it so that the means of risk for Musa alayhis salaam and for his biological mother and his adopting mother is all being provided by federal. Right. So they're in a sense of dependence on film, too. They've been raised by him. And so whatever transpires, we look at the events in the lives of prophets. And

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the events that are being talked about in the Koran, we look at them from a faith point of view. There's the site of Eamon and there's the site of gopher, right and there's the site of Huck the truth, and there's the site of boffin falsehood. And all of that is absolutely true and valid. And when we study these stories, and these events that are mentioned in the Quran, we look at them to extract from them, things that will help our faith, things that we maybe just, you know, extract as matters of a mannerisms, or a gun even or principles of Arpita of our belief system. But there's another dimension that is very rich to be extracted from this exchange, a lot of mentioned this very

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human exchange, right between someone who has feelings towards someone that raised them, and now he has to go and confront them. Right? And he has to, he has to basically when you are going to someone who has sort of an authority over you your entire life there, you know, because not every relationship is equal, right? I mean, maybe twins, they're equal, but even siblings, one sibling is older than the other. They have some level of authority or influence. And there's a power imbalance in virtually any relationship husband and wife. There's a power imbalance and could go either way. Right? Rarely is it on equal footing. Parents and children they're not on a power balance. There's

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there's

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an imbalance parents may be in a position of authority. And it may happen that later on, they're now disabled. And you know, the son or the daughter is paying the bills and taking care of everything, and they're retired. So there's another power imbalance. So they're in a position of weakness. So practically any relationship you think of between human beings, whether it's familial relationships, or it's professional relationships, or it's the relationships that that happened in the world of education, like teacher and student, there is a little bit of a hierarchy, there is an there is a power structure, if you will, right. And that that is a very difficult thing to navigate, if the one

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that's in the lower position has to confront the one in the higher position. So some one of you that's a younger sibling has a very hard time confronting the older brother about something they did wrong, it's really scary to do that. Because they will beat you up. And if dad finds out, he'll beat you up even more, I respect your brother. Because you're going up against the authority is difficult. But if you're the older one, you can yell, and you can do whatever, and you can get away with a lot more because you're in the older position, right. And this this power structure, it plays out in different ways people use Islam, and I've talked about that before people use our religion to

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justify abuse of that power. Right. So, you know, a parent and 100. Now we're blessed to have good parents, but some people aren't. Unfortunately, some people are not good parents. I recently received a message from somebody, a student of mine, who spoke to me in confidence. So obviously, I won't, you know, expose the entirety of the story. But the gist of the matter was, a parent

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tells them they're a loser, and they will amount to nothing in life. And the bad things that happened to them is because they deserve them. And the child turned back to the parent and said, Why are you talking to me like this.

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And the parent literally told them, my parents spoke to me like this, so I can speak to you like this.

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So they got to abuse me. But because I was in a powerless position, but now I'm in this powerful position. So now I get to abuse you. Right. So this, you know, the power structures being used as a means of abuse, happens in families and in life all the time. And it can be a very traumatic thing. Because family is a place by definition that is supposed to be like even for example, when Allah describes marriage, right? When you're when a man is going to marry a woman, he describes the men as they're supposed to be more singing with Assad, not this scene with Assad, if son like Islam, human, and so on is to do your best. But more sinning from Islam comes from Hassan, which is the fort. So

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you're bringing this woman that you're marrying into your forte, so you're protecting her from the outside world, you're protecting her dignity you're providing for her. And if you think of the ancient forts, well, they weren't just protection from the enemy on the outside, they were complete means of privacy, the word the outside world doesn't know what's going on inside. And they would have months and years of food supply inside the fort, in case of a siege, right? So it's providing for her protecting are all of it is coming in one. And of course, it's a matter of prestige, to be living in a fort. So you're honoring her too. So those matters of protection are fundamental to

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family relationships, because we're supposed to be safest with our own family. We're supposed to be safest with those that are closest to us. We're supposed to have our guard down, you have your guard up with a stranger, if a stranger says something to you, you can be a little bit guarded, you could you know, take it with a grain of salt. Well, I don't really know their agenda, but your family member, you don't have any assumptions that they mean harm towards me. You have your guard completely down, you're completely vulnerable for them and they're vulnerable before you at least that's how things are supposed to be. But too often, they're not like that. And it's not because

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you're not a good person, or they're not a good and you know, Allah gave us these remarkable examples to remind us that even the best people had very difficult family situations. Right? So who sadly is the most mentioned prophet in the Quran has an abusive father figure. Right? And the actual biological father figure is unnamed, almost absent from his life. And, you know, not having a father figure in your life is also a traumatic experience. Right? So there are multiple things from a psychological point of view, at play, that have to be taken into consideration that opened the doors for a lot of guidance. Now, the reason I wanted to kind of enter into this subject a little bit

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is because often, people experience things in life.

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And they get so hurt by them.

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That they start losing, they become depressed, right, they can't they become emotionally numb. They don't feel motivated. They don't feel like eating they don't feel like going out with their friends. They don't feel like doing anything. They don't feel like taking care of their health. Don't feel like watching TV they don't feel like doing and they also don't feel like praying.

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They also don't feel like reciting Quran. They also don't feel like listening to something about Islam.

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they they feel unmotivated right so even if they hear something about the rewards of heaven or the terror of hell it doesn't do anything to them and so they start thinking that they're losing their mind

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right because you're not feeling anything and you're not feeling motivated to pray so you must be losing your mind

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and then when they start feeling that way then they start blaming themselves they are already depressed because of whatever bad thing happened and they were becoming emotionally numb because of that on top of that there's a new depression that i'm going to hell also because i can't feel an emotion inside me you understand so it spirals into a much worse problem it started off as an emotional crisis and it turns into a spiritual crisis it's a crisis of human itself right the problem is when you have the root of something the root problem is emotional its psychological

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and the now you're seeking solutions from the spiritual world

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but if the root problem for example if the root problem was you have high sugar

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right you're heading towards diabetes you have high sugar then the solution to that problem in addition to the quran you're going to recite and the dollars you're going to make is not going to get solved if you don't stop eating too much sugar you understand like that biological problem does not only have a spiritual solution but for some reason we've decided or we've assumed that when we have an emotional crisis there has to only be a spiritual solution right which do i can i recite that my i'll start feeling better i keep getting anxiety i keep feeling hopeless give me something i can recite that will make me feel better that's you're looking for a spiritual solution but if you

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don't address that that spiritual crisis came into existence as a result of an emotional crisis and you don't address that emotional crisis then you're not going to be addressing the real problem and you're putting the remedy on top of the spiritual solution and it's not working and you become hopeless even in the spiritual solution and it becomes a big giant crisis of faith you understand so this this is why when i looked at it from this point of view a couple of years i realized something allah it's very limiting to talk about the quran in a way that we think only offers spiritual solutions

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that remembering allah is all he talks about remembering allah is a very powerful thing it's a multi dimensional thing it's a huge thing but it's not the only thing allah talks about allah actually does talk about emotional trauma and crisis and he does talk about how to navigate that crisis and how to address it and then on top of that he offers you know these these very sensitive spiritual solutions not generic solutions to those kinds of crises so what i'm going to start with is you know and in in my career in lecturing and giving talks i have addressed some of this in a limited time window like i went on a tour to do story nights for example many of you had attended those and i

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talked about some of these things and how they're highlighted and story of musante sound but of course that's not an opportunity to dive deep so what i'm hoping to do with these companies is to kind of take a closer look at some things that are going on in these ions from this point of view so today's video is going to be dedicated to one dimension of that and i've taken quite a bit of time to for this introduction but i thought it was necessary and we're going to use kind of look deeper at the word trauma of course in the medical community when someone's coming in with trauma it's kind of like a blunt force trauma it's some kind of an injury it's a broken bone or a leg or a stab wound

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or a gunshot wound or something like that but in the world of psychology or in the dictionary sense a deeply distressing i'm reading the dictionary definition of a deeply distressing or disturbing experience emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury which may be associated with physical shock and sometimes leads to long term neurosis nurses meaning long term depression long term anxiety long term negative emotional consequences that's when you've experienced a trauma you haven't you've had a terrible experience it keeps coming back to you you keep thinking about it over and over again when you see that person who caused it to you who said those horrible words to

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you and everything starts playing in your mind all over again you revisit that terrible experience right so that's that's kind of the idea behind trauma now the the kind of trauma that i wanted to highlight today is the kind of trauma that comes from complicated relationships and that's why i brought up the example of saudi saddam and that's why i recited those out from sort of shut up so busan islam is coming back to his his home where he was basically raised but he's coming not as the son of the pharaoh the butler

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With son, who messed up and ran away from home, which is already pretty complicated, but he's coming home to declare that he's a messenger of Allah. And he's coming home to tell the king who calls himself God, that I can be half of the real God, you aren't it. So he's going to commit the worst crime in the kingdom of Egypt was to defy the the ultimate authority, the king to his face. And to do that in his own court. And though where it's coming from is from his own son, you know, declared son, right? Now, I want you to think of it from the from the other side from Alan's point of view. I know that sounds a little odd all the time. But think of stuff for a moment and just think, for in

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his mind, I had this boy that I raised, that I have given nothing but love to that I know is not from my race, that I know is from the slave race, and I should have slaughtered him. But I allowed him not only to live, but to live the life of a prince. I gave him this life. And the next thing I know, I hear he killed someone, one of our own. And not only did he kill someone, he didn't take responsibility for what he did, he ran away.

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And now he shows up after so long, and I'm thinking he's gonna come in and he's gonna apologize for what he did. And he's gonna take his place. Back, maybe, oh, maybe I think that I'll forgive him because I've given him so much love before maybe I will forgive him. Maybe I will, because he still had I had a soft corner for him.

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So he's expecting something from his humbled son.

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Right. And yet the son came to humble the Father.

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You see the problem. So he comes in and he's gonna tell his father figure,

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you know, and you by the way, when you come into the Kings court, they're supposed to be some decorum. They're supposed to be some show of respect. They're supposed to be it's an honor to meet you. Thank you for seeing me I you know, I know it's difficult I i grovel at your feet for what I have done something, some show of humility and some show of the grandeur of the king. He walks in, and Allah has commanded him, so he has no choice and even picking his own words, Musan, Islam has to choose the words that Allah has given him already. And so he's gonna walk in. And as soon as he walks in, for Allah, Allah commanded both moose and heroin to say another pseudo bit. I mean, I

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don't sell my Lebanese, right? We are the messengers of the master of all nations and all people and become an account on the mission that you better let the children of Israel leave you the criminal that has enslaved them, you better let them go. So he's going to come in with this, you know, basically coming in swinging, right? He's taking shots, as soon as he walks in. From the point of view of the father figure, this is the ultimate disrespect, what?

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You're going to talk to me like this.

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This, are you are you serious, that just come out of your mouth. So from his point of view, this is betrayal. From an artist point of view is betrayal. It's disrespect. It's disregard. And maybe this boy needs to be reminded of all the things I have done for him in his life. Maybe he's having a little bit of amnesia, that he forgot who he's talking to.

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software on turns around and says Alam Nora, beaker phenol Juanita.

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He says, stemmed from his first response. Didn't we raise you here since you were a small baby?

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Did we not raise you hear?

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What he says that to him? what's what's he doing?

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He's basically saying, How dare you speak to me this way, after everything that I've done for you.

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Now it's true. He's done a lot for him. What a bit stuffy, and I'm in America sinning and you spent many years of your life living here.

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But I started by saying that fit on is in fact, an abusive figure. He is, in fact, a torture. He is in fact, an incredible narcissist. He is in fact, all of those things, all of those evil things, that his own wife is seeking refuge from him with a genie even if it i don't know i'm really he not just rescue me from their own, rescue me from his belief system know from what he does rescue me from what he does. Some scholars actually translate on Monday he interprets on Monday, you mean to me that he was physically abusive towards her too. So he is that kind of a person. It's not a, you know, he's highlighting the good that he's done. But he's purposely not mentioning any of the bad

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that he's done. And that's human tendencies that just fit our own tendencies human tendency. You look back at some relationship you've had with your parents, with your sibling with your spouse, whoever, and you think back that they did something bad to you. Right? Put yourself in. I know it's scary. Well put yourself in finance shoes for a moment. You're gonna look back and think of all the good things you did for them. That's what's gonna

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Come in your head, all the good things you did for them. How could they talk to you this way when you did all these good things for them, but what's not gonna come in my mind is all the bad things that I did.

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You were programmed to guard ourselves from facing our own dirty laundry, or program to see how they're being abusive, like, you see, we know from a faith point of view that I want is the abuser musala salaam is the abused. In this case, he's being gaslighted. That's what's happening. But from ferons point of view, he's the victim. From film's point of view, my son that I raised is disrespecting me. After everything I need for him, you understand? What this teaches us is a very powerful reality, that when you and I are traumatized, then it's very easy, and actually very natural for me to think about all the wrong that was done to me.

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And all the good that I did for them.

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That's the first equation that comes in my mind. But it's very difficult at the same time for me to even think, okay, let's just say they are in fact, 99%, abusive 99%. Did I do anything wrong at all? No, no, no, whatever I did is because they did x, y, z.

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You see,

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whatever I did is because like, you know, when musasa even killed someone, he could say, you know, you create a system of oppression, you have your authorities go and beat up on old slaves. And I go and even try to defend someone and yes, he died. But that doesn't erase the fact that you created an oppressive system that allowed for something like that to even happen to begin. He doesn't go down that logical rationale. He doesn't. He just says I made a mistake. I was lost. I admit. He didn't say, Yeah, I was wrong. But let me tell you why.

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Let me let me give you the rationale. That's that's for a later time. So now what I want to share with you is, not only is this a complex thing, where both sides have their own truth, isn't it? Fred has his own truth and Mousavi salon has the truth. But when you are when you and I are in a situation where there is this kind of emotional abuse, and two sides have two very different truths to them, then we have to take a step back from that situation. And we have to understand where we are, how we ended up there, and take an honest look at them. And also scary enough and honest look at ourselves, and where we are wrong.

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inshallah I plan on continuing this discussion based on some of these concepts. I know a hot boy has a very limited time window opportunity. So I hope to kind of try to do as much justice to this as I can, based on some of these, I offend some other places in the Quran. But I want to leave you with the following.

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In the, in an abusive environment,

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you know, the one who's in a position of power, I talked about the power dynamics, the one in a position of power basically creates an environment where they make the lesser person feel the weaker person feel that they can't live without them.

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Like, what would you do without me?

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Who's gonna love you, if not me, you know, nobody would love you like me, right? Nobody would care for you the way I do.

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And there will be moments of care, there will be moments of love, there will be moments of beautiful companionship, in any whether it is spousal or parental or whatever, there will be those moments. And in those moments, you will find so much comfort, everything you are longing for will be there. And then it will be coupled with horrible abuses, like the same person will become someone else, you can't even recognize them horrible abuses. And in those moments of abuse, you'll want to get away. You shouldn't do this to me, You can't do this to me. And when you want to get away, your mind will be it's like a chain that's gonna hook into you have the good memories, that's gonna pull you back.

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Like they're right. Nobody would love and it must be. So the first thing will be the good memories, or the good dimensions of that relationship will justify somehow the bad

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will justify the bad and the first time you get hit with it. You're like, No, no, that's not really the that can't be like that. That's not really them. Then we're not being themselves. It was an isolated incident. They didn't mean it. Right? That can't be them. So you It's so shocking to you when the abuse happens that you don't even accept it. You're like that cat. No, no, no, they would never. And then even they come and tell you No, that wasn't really me. Right? That was not really me. I wasn't myself. And you say yeah, that wasn't yourself. You're right. That was a virtual alternative to you as a clone. And you you accept that nonsense for yourself. You tell yourself that

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too.

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And once you tell yourself that, then they slip something else. And I know that was really crazy of me, right? And I'm really sorry. But you know, you asked for it right?

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You know, you, you kind of you did something that made me become that way. So what did they slip in? Now, not only are they abusive,

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and that wasn't really them, but a little bit them, but also you asked for it.

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So you now you start in your mind, even when they're bad to you, there's some a bug has been planted in your mind, you did something wrong to deserve that behavior. So even when they're being bad towards you abusive towards you, you're telling yourself, I must have done something to what the surface.

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That's another so the good memories are holding you in. And when the bad times happen, then blaming yourself is keeping you there, too. I'm so bad to them, of course, they're going to be like this, because normally they're so loving towards me, they turned into this monster because I made them into a monster. That's why they're acting like this. That's why they're doing that to me.

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And they're convincing you of this, this picture of blaming yourself. And if you can't even blame yourself anymore, then you train yourself to justify their behavior.

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So you come up with, you know, they're under a lot of stress. Oh, they're going through so much. That's why they're like that. Sometimes. That's not really who they are, though. I mean, what do you expect? They're just human? Right? So you This is called a stick font. By the way, if you don't use the phrase people, yes, the physical home is the coffin is this, you know, it gives us both of those words. I've talked about it a long time ago. And then of course, the final is it's not that bad. I mean, if you compare the good to the bad, the good is so much more. So just look at the bright side and be grateful, right? So blind yourself to evaluate what is fair and doing what did what if it

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didn't do and musante, some came back, didn't I raise you here, since you were a baby, and you live many years of your life here is not the good.

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So let's highlight the good, let's gloss over all the bad that doesn't need to be addressed. So what happens with most people, they swing one of two ways. Either they only remember the bad

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or they only remember the good.

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And what I'm hoping that we learn from all of this is we have to be we have to take a step back, control our own emotions, not put those blinders on and let those manipulations go and be able to see the good for the good and the bad for the bad. The good only then you can figure out what to do with your life. Only then you can figure out there's a cycle, only then you can figure out how to be empowered. And that's a lot of what we're gonna learn and shut out from this, this dialogue that has it's so rich with this level of psychology and this level of guidance. That is it starts with emotional guidance, and it's going to turn into spiritual guidance. As we see it both of them are

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related just like an emotional crisis becomes a faith crisis, a spiritual crisis. The emotional solutions in the Quran are going to become spiritual solutions there. They're connected to there, they're intertwined as well. Monica love would you welcome Phil Hakim, when in fact and he was he was king

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and handled Allahu akbar wa salatu salam O Allah anybody in the dino stuff also Salah of letting him know how to intervene or hamadani meanwhile early or certainly he's very Allah zolgensma categorical killing by the end of Buddha or the villa in ministry kind of regime in the moment.

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You enter the nominal Saldana he was able to see my Allahumma salli ala Muhammad Ali Mohammed Camus Allah Allah, Allah Allah, Allah Allah.

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Allah Vedic Allah Muhammad Ali Mohammed Salah by Himalayan early Haemophilia, I mean in the Gambia, de Majeed mother Allah. Allah up a lot in a little bit. It will never sound what you think what about when you would want to call my lawyer, Michael stone.

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In a salad, I can't handle