Emotionally Traumatized Spiritually Recovering #03
Channel: Nouman Ali Khan
File Size: 28.52MB
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me in order to have a an organized and inshallah beneficial conversation in this clip, but that revolves around a couple of IOP. That belongs to us with a shout out once again, we're still continuing the conversation that was introduced between Allah and R between phenomena and Moosa, what I'd like to do is start with two terms that are used very interchangeably, they basically mean the same thing in normal English. And those two words are guilt, and shame. So those words, you know, people use them all the time. And we use them as if they both basically mean the same thing, I feel ashamed, I feel guilty sounds like the same thing. But in the world of psychology, in fact,
they are two very different things. And they refer to very different emotions, and two very different experiences that a person has. And it's remarkable, I want to start there, because the Quran actually addresses both of them. And it's good to understand the difference between them first, and then to understand how Allah addresses that. It's also important to note that, you know, in the last couple of
sessions, sermons I've talked about, essentially negative emotions and abuse and the kinds of things that a person is made to feel at the hands of another by the words of another, we're looking at films language with Mussolini, someone how he wants him to feel ungrateful, how he wants him to be put down, etc. But that does, that's not to say that the Quran only addresses what you can consider negative psychology. It's not only that Allah is exposing us to the bad that someone does and how they can make you feel bad. It's not enough to diagnose the disease and say, Great, that's the disease, but there also has to be a healing solution. After all Kalani calls itself she thought only
Martha So Laura healing for what lies inside of the chest. So Allah will not only identify for us by way of this story, what are some of the things that you should look out for that you may be doing my I may be doing myself or somebody may be doing them to me, that I should be aware of. But on the other hand, also, what is a positive way to respond, and how to how to overcome that negative emotion that's also going to be talked about. So hopefully, time permitting, we'll get to that positive side also. And then you'll see that throughout this dialogue, there is that negative, and then the response with the positive and then negative again, and then the response with the positive
again. And that's the beauty of you know, of the client, especially when it comes to its description of dialogue. So the difference between guilt and shame, let's we're gonna try to keep it super simple. So you guys can remember these things easily. Guilt is when you recognize that you did something wrong. If I if I recognize and accept that I've done something wrong, I hurt someone's feelings. I said something I shouldn't have said I did something I shouldn't have done. Right. And I recognize that it was my own fault. And as a result of recognizing that I feel anxiety, or I feel sadness, or I feel remorse, I feel like I wish I didn't do that. Right. And I questioned myself, and
I feel I literally feel bad about what I did. All of that is guilt. In fact, guilt even includes that I have empathy I feel for the person I caused her to, I did this and this to them. I said this and this to them, I treated them in this way and now I feel bad for them for the pain that they're going through. That is all guilt. And actually if guilt is coming from yourself, it's a good thing. You're supposed to feel guilt. It's a healthy thing. If you if I've done something wrong. My ability to recognize it and feel bad about it is what gives me a human conscience. In fact,
It's a gift from Allah. Allah describes it as a powerful gift that he even uses as evidence for our humanity for luxy women. Nuff said Loma de. He says, I swear by the self, the inner self that keeps on blaming itself. In other words, the one who recognizes when it does something wrong, and feels, feels bad about it feels guilty about it, I won't use the word ashamed, even though in English, we use them interchangeably, because I want you to see that definition separate, right? So you feel guilty about something you've done or said wrong. That's guilt. And in right measured, and in the right circumstances, guilt is a good thing, even a necessary thing. So that's on the one side, but
what's Shame, shame is not that you think you've done something bad, right? So you're not a bad person, but you did something bad and you feel bad about that. Shame is you are a bad person. You accept yourself as worthless, you accept yourself as scum, or I'm disgusting anyway, or I'm perverted anyway, or I'm greedy anyway, or I'm selfish anyway. And you take these labels, so you're not labeling the behavior, you're not labeling. If you if you feel bad about an act, then you have guilt. But if you feel bad about your old self, and how people see you, or even how you see yourself, then you've internalized shame. Right? So shame is a lot bigger than guilt. Guilt is
limited to inaction. But shame is actually you redefining yourself a certain way. Right. And when a person is, this is something that wouldn't be obvious. It's not, it's not so you know, easy to understand for folks and people that, that, you know, dive deep into the study of psychology, or people that are in the field of clinical psychology, and, you know, and, you know, scholarship in these areas, they'll even talk about how if a person lives with shame, like they just accept these bad definitions for themselves. So they don't, then they lose guilt. That's the crazy thing, that you start feeling so sorry for yourself, or I start feeling so sorry. Or hating myself so much, that
I'm so absorbed, absorbed about my shame and my negative feelings about myself all the time, that now I'm not even aware of the hurt, I'm causing somebody else. And in fact, when you see somebody else, you start, I look at somebody else who doesn't have that kind of shame, that has a smile on their face. That is that is breathing normal air. And I'm like, Man, I wish I had a life like those people look at them, they don't have hatred for themselves. They don't have to live with shame I do. I wish I could live like they did. And you develop this envy for others, because you have to spike for yourself. And that can grow to the point where you see somebody else that's happy, and it makes
you upset. Why are they like that? You know, they they don't deserve to be like that if I you know, if I'm feeling this way, and a person like that can actually become extremely hurtful without any recognition that they're being hurtful. So shame starts with you feeling bad for yourself and eventually turns into you being just a really terrible person to be around. It turns into something else. Now, this is your own feelings. But this conversation in the Quran is actually about a human being making another human being feel guilty, or if they go far enough to make them feel ashamed. Now, if Iran was just challenged, or just challenged Musashi Salaam back was only some challenge the
Pharaoh, the pharaoh challenged him back. He said a lot of bigger feanor walidah wanna be surfing? I mean, armory. Cassini, we talked about that already. Didn't we raise you here since you were a baby? How could you talk to me this way? Did you spend many years of your life living here but he didn't stop there? He said, Well find a letter quality font. And you did that act of yours that you did.
You did that act of yours that you did now what is it that Miss Allison did, Mousavi Salaam tried to intervene when a police officer was beating down on an Israelite civilian asleep, he was beating him down in the middle of the street. And he intervened. And when he tried to break up the fight, he threw a punch at the cop. And one punch killed the officer. So he actually is charged now with murder. And even if it's accidental, it's involuntary manslaughter, but he did throw a punch. And he was wanted by the cops. He was wanted by the authorities and he escaped so he's an escaped convict who is now labeled in that society as a murderer. You understand? Now let's think about that. He's
it's one act he did one act and it's a horrifying act. If you if you think of a list of bad things you could do I think murder would be pretty quick. I've gotten the message me out. Quran even says if you kill a soul, you kill a person. It's as if you kill all of humanity. So it's not a small thing in the Koran. And the great messenger Busan, Islam in his youth has now
accidentally or, you know, we look at it as accidentally because he didn't intend to kill anyone. But nonetheless, the attack came from his hand, the blow came from his hand, and a life has been lost. And he has escaped. And he's, you know, in the sense, it looks like he never faced the consequences of what he did.
And now he comes back. And when he comes back as a less messenger, and he comes to confront a phenomenon, it's easy to say, Well, wait, you should be talking about what somebody else is doing wrong. How about you? What did you do? Excuse me? Is there no one else that should speak about the moral upper ground? How do we hire God? Why do we have to listen to a murder, you understand? So he's being he's putting himself in a very vulnerable position, it's very risky for him to tell anyone what they're doing right and wrong. When he himself has this massive skeletons in his closet, you understand? And he still Allah put in him the courage to go and confront this fear, and actually
challenge the pharaoh for the wrong that he's doing. And he told him, you've enslaved an entire nation of Israel lights, you can't be too and you're not a god. They're not God. So what we learn from here, first and foremost, is just because you've made a mistake in the past, that is not a license for you to be silenced. If there is some truth, you have to say, you still have to say it, even if others will come along and say, Who are you to speak truth? Look at what mistakes you made in your past, you have no right to open your mouth. And that's exactly what the pharaoh now does. That I don't know, turns to moose and says, You did that thing that you did. Now. In fact, he did do
it. And he is literally standing in court, because the pharaoh is the judge. He is in fact the judge. And he is the authority in the land. So he has the right to say to Moosa, you've committed a crime, right? In other words, this is an important lesson to telling someone they did something wrong. If I did something wrong if I sped or if I drove reckless, recklessly, and I didn't get caught, and I'm about to leave my house again. And my dad says, Don't cry, you know, you drove recklessly yesterday, don't drive like that, again. I can't turn him into you can't guilt me, dad. That's in the past. No, I, that's correct. I never took responsibility for my actions, I should be
reminded that I've done something wrong, and it can do harm to others. There's a context in which someone can actually tell you, you've done something wrong. Don't do that, again. there's a there's a time in place for it. That's what we do with our children. That's what we do with 1000s with each other best friends do that to each other man, that was messed up, bro, you shouldn't have done that. That's a normal part of a genuine part of human exchange that we have in life. But the feral is not doing that. This is important that I want is not actually just saying, oh, by the way, you committed a crime.
He's saying How dare you challenge any wrong that I'm doing while you have committed a crime. In other words, the best defense they call this the best defense is offense. Instead of me actually acknowledging what I'm doing wrong, the best thing I can do is turn the tables and make the subject you instead of myself.
And when I do that, you're gonna start feeling I'm supposed to be the one that feels guilty. Nana, I know how to turn this over real quick, and you'll be the one feeling guilty. And this is the mastery of the Pharaoh. The mastery of the pharaoh is that you come and people who who have the seat, we're not. And by the way, if you know somebody in your life that does this, don't go and call them at all. And that's not what I'm saying. But there's a reason this examples being given. There are people that are masters at this, you need to go and confront them about something they've done or said wrong. And some people hate confrontation, they just don't like it. So it takes a lot for them
to even open their mouth and say maybe you shouldn't have said that or you shouldn't have done that right. And you do it. And even if you do it in the most loving, respectful way,
that person can in a split second turn around and make you feel so guilty for something you may have done 10 years ago, or five months ago or whenever ago, and bring it up and say oh, yeah, you wanna you want to give me advice? No, tell me more share. Tell me more. share her. Now, please. You're the Sahabi around here, right? So why don't you just tell me? Because you haven't done anything in like the last?
Really? Yeah, please give us more of your morality. Please descend upon us your spiritual enlightenment because we really need it from you. Because everybody else died.
What is that doing? It's turning the tables. And now the person who actually had something legitimate to say, starts feeling guilty. I shouldn't say anything. Now they're what they're trying to do from that is they're trying to take the guilt, which is about one action, but turn it into shame. Remember the difference I said between guilt and shame? guilt is I feel bad about what I did.
But if someone's trying to take guilt about
About what you did, and turn it into a label on you as a person. What you did now defines you your mistake. You're just a walking example of your mistake from the past. That's all you are. There's a label on you, and you must live with that label. Imagine if life actually worked that way. If you and I were defined, our entire being our self worth, our perception by people, others, and even the way we see ourselves is entirely defined by the worst things you've ever done. The lowest parts of your life, the lowest point in your life, where you look back and say, I can't believe I messed up that bad. You can even look back and say how could I have looked you know scoop that low? How could
I have had that low you feel horrible about it? But you know what? No, what shame does is that low? That's the real you. All the other good things you do. That's all fake. All the remorse you feel that you're not really guilty. This is who you really are. And this is what's what's what slammed on someone and look at how long does this ingeniously, he didn't stop with a file the file that he filed, he added what ends I mean, and caffeine, and you are from those who are in denial, meaning he's no longer in that first part. He was questioning an act which is supposed to instill guilt. But in the second part of that is, well, I'm I mean, I'm caffeine, he's no longer questioning an act.
He's putting a label on Mussa, you are from the caffeine you are from those who deny. you're the kind of person who does wrong and denies they ever did anything wrong. This is the film's way of saying to Moosa that he's narcissistic, that he's so full of himself himself, he can't even see anything that he himself does wrong. You see the irony of that, you see, the irony of the greatest arrogant human being that ever lived, that was example has given him the Quran is calling Musashi Salaam followed himself, and in denial of his own wrongdoing. That's the that's the power of language, right. And the point of it is to flip the narrative to turn it around. And for the person
who's supposed to have a voice for that voice to be crushed and silenced. This is the negative side. And this is this is important to mention, because a lot of people it's not just about the story. A lot of people live their life in shame. They look at themselves in the mirror, and they hate who they see. They see someone who the worst things that have happened in their life, or that people attribute to them or their worst mistakes, even if even if you made such mistakes. I'm pretty sure your mistake doesn't amount to anywhere near murder. You understand like this is a this is not a small mistake. And musante some has, in fact, made that mistake, he has made a mistake. He even
acknowledged that mistake the moment he made it. So he had guilt, the moment that happened. And Allah showed us how healthy guilt is supposed to look. That's in total cost us when when they will have a hubbub about guilt, that's the place to look. Because now a person's made a tremendous mistake. That's not who they really are. He's not a serial killer. He's not a murderer. He's not someone who doesn't have regard for human life, he lived a life of faith, of goodness of generosity. And all of a sudden he made he's made one of the worst mistakes a human being can make out of nowhere. So he's way up here, morally, and all of a sudden, he's way down here in a split second.
That's a pretty large fall. And when a person falls like that, it's easy for them to see themselves as man, I can never get back up. I used to be good, but now I'm this person. This is the new definition of me, you understand? When you accept that pet that terrible new definition, you and I are in big trouble, because the person who accepts themselves as wrong, okay, fine, I am evil. That is why I am now you know who that is, at the core of it, that is at least that is the devil that is shavon. shavon, accepts himself as evil and is refusing thereafter to think of himself as anything better. Even though Allah created a much better
Allah created a much better and he has that himself, that hopelessness, that constant, you know, self self attribution, and he wants that shame for you and me. He wants us to accept that for ourselves. And so Musashi salami is now being slammed with a starting point, the guilt and then the, you know, the shame, you know, in boxing, you have a jab, and then it opens it up for a hook. So the jab was the guilt and then the hook comes in with the shame for the knockout. That's what this is. And now what is Musashi said I'm going to do in response. There's a lot to unpack here. There's a lot that that needs to be said here by Musashi because he's been railroaded. And he a normal person
when they're when they're shamed like that, and guilted on top of that, shame like that, for that dubious purpose. Most people like that they buckle and they collapse. I'm sorry, I said anything. I'm sorry, I opened my mouth. You're right. I am worthless. You know, a person will start developing even more hatred for themselves. They can develop
feeling of self like worthlessness? What is Musashi Salaam do?
Its remark his answer is so remarkable. There are two things I keep saying guilt and shame, guilt and shame. I want that drilled in your head, right? Look at what he does. He doesn't respond to the shaming at all.
Like he didn't even say it.
There is no response to the labeling. That was a no, I'm not from the caffine. I'm not nothing.
It's like it doesn't exist, because shaming is not something acceptable in our religion. Guilt is healthy. Guilt is actually needed in the right dosage in the right context. But shaming isn't there's no place for it. Allah has honored all children of Adam, the worst people, the people that have committed Zina, the people that have committed murders, the people who have done all this stuff, right, what does the law say about them? You know, when the Zener diode aroona ma mahila. And Aha, well, I have to learn enough seletti harmala? What is new or
some other way? We have looked for him on 11 tabah or armineh? Well, I mean, I'm, and I'm sorry for you, but they belong to you. It is another shocking. Allah says people who don't call on other gods besides Allah, people who don't kill anyone with innocent souls, people who don't commit adultery, right. And he says, These people that you know, these are, these are the slaves of Allah that He loves. And then he says, and whoever does that is going to meet a grave penalty, and the punishment will be doubled for them. And they'll stay in that punishment humiliated. That's pretty shameful, isn't it. But he really and that's in the next life, shame is in the next life. Immediately, he
turns it and says, except those who repented, and restored their faith, and acted good afterwards. So somebody who had already committed murders and adultery and all of that, they've got a huge rap sheet of shake and killing and all of it. And now they turned around towards Allah, what does Allah say, Allah will take all of their bad turned it into good deeds.
Allah is not shaming you, Allah is not bringing up your past to shame you. Allah is saying, you come to me, and I will convert your bad into good. It's not even it's different from a judge who says, I will expunge your record, I will, I will delete the file. It's not that I will take your crimes and turn them into good deeds.
So at the point of that, the point of me sharing that with you is there's no room for shaming in our religion. There's no room for there's no room for labeling a person with a characteristic that sticks on them. There is no room for that. There were people who were the worst enemies of the Prophet slicin. And we used to call them but we're not your own the hypocrites in Medina, and the Muslims, we're not allowed to call them we're not.
We were not allowed to call somebody a hypocrite because it's something inside the heart. Because when you judge somebody's heart, you're judging their entire being. This is the one thing that represents the entire being. And this is the one thing no human being can see. So I can't judge any I can judge an action. I can say you lied. I can say you cheated. I can see you hurt someone, I can see you committed murder, I can do that. But I can't judge a human being. But we do that easily. And we accept that easily even for ourselves. Mossad is what I'm saying stays on point. He says fine to her isn't I did it at the time. Yep.
So when he said you did that thing you did? He said, Yep, I did it. You're right. What is guilt to acknowledge you did something wrong?
And he says, I don't know denying it. I did it. Well, I mean, nobody knew. And I was from those that were lost. He's not saying I was misled. I was confused by somebody else. Somebody else, you know, conned me into it. No, blaming anybody else look, and another person did con him by the way, he was calm. And he even acknowledges that in the story. But now when it comes to owning up, even when you and I mess up, other people had a hand in it. That's the reality.
You don't just get angry sitting by yourself on a couch eating a banana. Somebody got you to that point and you lost it. You understand?
Nobody does something nobody just out of nowhere with no cause has an effect. There has to be a cause. But when it comes to owning my mistake, you have to let the causes go. You have to say you can't say I messed up but you know, there's a you don't know the whole story. Let me tell you the whole story then you'll know that my mess up wasn't actually purely because I'm evil. This one did this wrong. This one did this wrong. This one did this wrong. And it created this you know the storm and in that storm, I got caught up in it and in the moment I messed up, which may be the reality, but owning up for yourself. Actually genuine healthy guilt is actually letting go of everybody
else's part. Let Allah deal with that
Know the part I messed up it I know what I did wrong. And I did in fact do it wrong and I was lost myself. He doesn't even say well I made a mobile T Mobile he would have been I would have been I was misled by someone else. He says I was lost myself, I slipped up myself. For two Min qomolangma have to come I love this part of the eye. And this is the last thing I'll share with you today. For two main cooler markets to come, then I ran away from you when I feared you will unpack more of this next week inshallah, but I just want to give you this one nugget here. He now has the courage to say that that guilt was we came with fear. And that fear was so powerful that it made me made me run
away from all of you run away from the consequences.
And then he says, For what happily Robbie Hawkman or Johnny Miller mursaleen I love it. He says my master gave me firmness, he made me strong, beautiful words in the Quran to tell us that when white guilt makes a person weak, Allah and shame rather makes a person weak, Allah can give you strength again, you can overcome that shame. My master gave me firmness, and made me from those that have been sent. Why is this important? Because there's tabaka there's a there's a correlation. The Pharaoh said mineral caffine from the disbelievers and moose eyes responding minoli more saline from those that have been sent. In other words, instead of accepting a label on myself that is negative
and full of shame, I accept the label on myself that the best label Allah has given me which is I've been sent as a messenger.
Right? So when you when you think of yourself, and I think of myself, someone else can see you and all they see is the worst of you. Doesn't matter what you do. Doesn't matter when you did wrong or what you did or what you whether you did it or not. They've decided to see you in a certain way and that will never change. They cannot see you any different. They made up their mind. Your job is not to change your mind. You're not there to convince anyone you're a good person. Your job is to understand you cannot accept their definition for yourself.
You can't accept their definition for yourself. You have to accept the definition of yourself. That comes from Allah Himself. Muslim, Diab, imperfect. Someone who makes mistakes and then comes back to Allah and ask for forgiveness. Someone who's struggling, someone who's trying to do better. Allah has not abandon you, you don't get to abandon yourself. I don't get to abandon myself. I don't get to develop hatred for myself. I don't have that right because I don't own myself. Allah has ownership over me. And Allah has given me an honor that I can't take away. When I've governor nobody other we honored the children of Adam and Eve. Even in this most humiliating, intimidating
conversation, Musab Islam owns up to the mistake but doesn't let the mistake define him. You see that? And then he shows how how do I know the mistake doesn't define me because Allah himself after my mistake chose me. Not before my mistake after my mistake, Allah chose me. You know, nowadays, it's hard to get a job if you have a criminal record. People look at your mistake and say, I will we will get back to you. Right. And here you have Allah choosing the highest possible job on messenger for someone who has a murder on their rap sheet. And they're actually we still want it for murder and the greatest kingdom on earth at the time. And Allah has chosen him. Why because he owns up to
his mistake. And when a person owns up to their mistake with the genuine guilt, they feel towards the wrong digit to somebody else, and they turn to align repentance and they make amends they make things right then to them that to Allah, that person is honored.
They may be shamed by people, but they're honored by law. And that's something we have to internalize. It's very powerful. This is this is like it's spiritually very empowering psychology that that helps us combat against these waves of shame. That may be rooted in some legitimate guilt, but guilt is not something you live with for your entire life. Okay, you made a mistake in your past once and this is the last thing I'll show for today. You made a mistake in your past, okay, but you don't get to review it every week.
You know, oh, I messed up. I messed up on you don't know what I did. you're defining yourself you're turning that into shame. Guilt is you did something bad you turn to allow you cried your tears of remorse. You tried to make amends, move on with your life. Life goes on. If life can go on for someone who took a life and goes on to the best moments of his life, Friday Salaam, then Allah has put that in the Quran for a reason for us to be able to move on, to be able to be to heal ourselves, to recognize it in ourselves and make us all better ourselves and not live with these negative emotions and shame and guilt and also protect us from shaming others. It's not just that we don't
want to experience shame, we don't want to be guilty of, you know, instilling constant guilt in someone else until it turns into shame allows
To protect us from being the victim or the perpetrator, wonderful, lovely, what a comfortable unpacking. When a family we
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