Difficult Family

Nouman Ali Khan

Channel: Nouman Ali Khan

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Khutbah at Dar Alnoor

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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hamdulillah

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Al Hamdulillah Harlequin withdrew the middle Adam, which are in New demon of Gollum

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were mostly just subliminal LM for multi toe but the island Adam

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furnish guru who added masa, we can manage guru who

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want to Solly Allah rasool Allah Quran the Shadowfell a sham Eva noodle atom while kita Bill makan what Kamal in the beginner will hurt them say ye well at the Adam.

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Allah the Bashara be here is Ave Maria with Alia etc he Rahim Allah Allah He said he Naka nya Okawa debate Allah al Maha ROM

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for sallallahu alayhi wa sallam where Allah Akbar he Hydral Omen, a Latina BarakAllahu Ibrahim cafard a nurse a lot of Birmingham well,

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for hamdulillah Allah de la Miata is well done. Well, let me Akula who said you can fill milk? Well let me Aquila who Willie Umina Dooley What can people tequila?

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Well hamdulillah the Angela Allah Abdel Kitab wala Mia Jalla whoever

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well Hamdulillah he Latina Hamada who want to say you know who want to sell Pharaoh? We're not we know we he wanted our clue. When you do bIllahi min. Shruti and fusina. Amin say Dr. Molina when you have to Hiller HuFa la mobila woman you will follow her the era when a shadow Allah ilaha illallah wa the hula Shashikala when a shadow under Mohammed Abdullah he Rasulullah sallallahu Taala will Hooda within the yield Hara who Allah Deen equal li Wa Kafa BiLlahi Shahida for some Allahu Allah Allah He was seldom at the Sleeman Kathira and Cassia Ramadan in NASDAQ al Hadith he Kitab Allah wa Halal had he had you Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam were in a short run oedema data to her

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were in Aquila more than 13 bedarra Wakulla betta without in Walla, walla walla that infinite?

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Allah Allah Allah azza wa jal piccata hickory, arugula Himalaya shaytani R rajim. Allahu Allah, Allah Allah Coleman and fusuma as Raja was a document as well as your company in our half adder was aka caminata. EBIT FRB alphabet but I'll tell you we know will be near Matilda he Homeric fortune published actually Saudi were silly Emery vacuolar aka Tamil Disseny of coli Allahumma sabitha and multibeam La ilaha illallah wa ala maganda muda Latina Amman Anwar middle Solly hotwater was a bit happy with our sub sublime in yellow below me

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into this whole bio, we'll be speaking with you mostly about a single idea of sort of Underhill sort of Nahal is the 16th Surah of the Quran and this is the 72nd ir. I'm going to translate that for you first Allahu Giada come in unfussy come as Raja, that Allah furnished for you provided for you, from your own selves spouses will document as well as your company and from your spouse's he provided for your children will have further and those of service to you. It's also translated grandchildren. We'll talk about that in a second. So it could mean children and grandchildren. What is aka caminata you bought and he provided you of all kinds of good and pure things for Bilbao, Italy, you know, and

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then are they going to believe in falsehood after all of that will be near Matilda homework for own? And are they going to be disbelieving in the favor of Allah? This idea is a very heavy, deep message from Allah azza wa jal. And I want to I hope that in the few minutes that we have together, we can at least contemplate on some of the things that are happening. Certainly not all of them inside of this remarkable ayah. Many places in the Quran, Allah will talk to us about things that he's done for us as a favor, the things that he's created around us that are beautiful, or of service to us that benefit us. And we should contemplate on that and become grateful to Allah. Clearly, the

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message in this ayah is to become grateful because the idea concludes by being intimate Allah umiak freuen, that they are ungrateful to the favor of Allah, that if you work backwards from that, then that means that everything Allah has mentioned in this ayah is something I should be grateful for. So the spouse, husband and wife, children, and then grandchildren, and by beyond grandchildren, as we'll talk in a second are all people in my life I should be grateful for this already becomes a big challenge. Because it's easy to be grateful for an apple, it's easy to be grateful for your car, because the car does exactly what you want it to do. You know, it's easy to be grateful for food on

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the table because it provides you nutrition immediately. It's easy to be grateful for the job because you get a paycheck at the end of the day. Right there. The easy to be grateful for clothes because they cover me and they protect me from the elements. It's easy to be grateful for things the benefit of which I see immediately. But I don't know about being grateful for the wife or the husband or the children and the grind that can get complicated it seriously Have you met them? Because you want me to you they're a blessing Have you have you met my dad that's supposed to be a blessing. Have you met my kids? Do you know how they talk to me? They're supposed to be a blessing.

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I'm so

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was to be grateful for this. Like you can, it's easy for me to just translate the eye and say, Hey, Allah wants us to be grateful for our spouses, our children, our grandchildren. And by the way to make this more complicated and interesting how Fada is used for grandkids, and actually the conventional plural for heavy heavy there's a grandchild is actually I thought, and Hofer that that means grandkids and her father of poverty others also commented is called lumen you're in? Well, yes them, everyone who serves everyone who's of service to you by way of getting married. Everyone who comes to your aid, or everyone that gets connected to you, by way of getting married is actually

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part of her father, so Mujahid early on, even considered in laws part of her father. So here's an eye on the Quran about in laws, if anybody was wondering, and what makes it even more complicated is we're supposed to be grateful for our in laws, why? Seriously those people? You know, after everything I've been through with them, I'm supposed to be grateful for them. What this is, this is why I like what I say. And if we can read it, we can read the translation and move on. Or we can stop and say, Wait, this is about me. How is this about me? How does this must be talking about someone else they must be they must have children that they should be grateful for, because they

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have good kids, they don't have my kind of kids. They must be they must have a spouse that gives them peace, don't my spouse, they only give me anxiety and trouble and arguments. That's all they give me. They don't give me a reason to consider. And so I it's easy for them to be grateful for the favor of Allah. But I can't possibly be grateful for this. I don't have that kind of peace in my life. Allah didn't make an exception, by the way, for those of you who have good kids, and good grandkids, and great in laws, and a wonderful spouse, those of you should be grateful. The rest of you can complain online and make memes about them. Right? You can do that. No, that's not there's no

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exception here. It's for everyone. And then if you if you and I ponder about this a little deeper.

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If you study the prophets lives, many of them, they have a lot of trouble coming from their spouse like no Halesowen or not, are they Salam.

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Some prophets have trouble coming from their children like newer Herdade Salam or Jacoba Islamic getting trouble from their children, Ibrahim alayhi salam is worried that his grandkids and their future generations are going to fall into shift. And it actually happens from the children of Ibrahim.

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So all of that is a reality and no one knows that reality better than Allah Himself. And that same Rob is telling me to be grateful at the end of this ayah So the first thing I wanted to do in this goodbye is to present this almost riddle to you. What how are we supposed to unlock this? How are we supposed to make sense of this? Because Allah azza wa jal has commanded us or actually even complained to us. And finally, Brunel Quran, Allah KHUDOBIN aquafaba. Don't they contemplate deeply the Quran? Or Or do hearts have their own locks placed on them? One of the ways you can think and I can think about that idea is if I'm refusing to think about what Allah says and contemplated, maybe

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something hasn't unlocked in my heart yet. Like there's some I'm not really thinking about it from my heart and really applying it to myself. And it's keeping me from contemplating So I pray that Allah Allah acts all of our hearts as we contemplate his word. So now,

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going back, going a little stepping a bit further back, let's pay attention to the end of the day again.

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He says, I've had Bilbao Italy you've been on will be near Matilda homework forum. Are they going to believe in falsehood? strange thing to say? Are they going to believe in falsehood, you would imagine an idea like this, if the beginning of the idea was about shift or false gods, you know, when they worship other than Allah, and then they they believe in Butlins. That's where this, this conversation fits. But that's not the conversation the conversation was, he provided you spouses from yourselves and children and grandchildren and in laws and extended family and those who support you and all of that stuff? And then are you going to believe in Boston? Are they still gonna believe

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in Boston? So what is this doing here? So, the Another riddle, I'm adding riddle on top of riddle riddle now? Right? Are they going to believe in falsehood, and then falsehood, the opposite of falsehood is truth. Right. So after Bill bow, believe me, no one will help the homework for all should they believe in? Are they going to believe in falsehood and not believe in the truth? Because the opposite of falsehood is truth. But he didn't say truth. He said the favor of Allah. He said the favor of Allah and said, and if you want to go with the favor of Allah and use its opposite the Nakba. So they say are they going to believe in you know, difficulties? Are they going to have faith

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in things that give them trouble Messiah, and they're going to deny the favours of Allah. So either you say truth and falsehood or you say favorite discomfort, but he didn't use the mix the two there's an advantage between these two and this is a profound place to begin. Sometimes, you know, in language we accept

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We expect simple opposites day and night. Good and evil, right? These are simple opposites.

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But in the Quran sometimes Allah gives us complicated opposites, and he doesn't go the opposite of ASB. He'll give us something else instead. And he gives us a dimension, a way of thinking about opposites that's that only Allah can give. In this is one of the things Allah is teaching you and me is the opposite of falsehood. Instead of being truth is the favor of Allah and the favor of Allah is actually a substitute for truth itself.

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In now, this is very powerful. And by the way, the word is for truth. And heck also means purposefulness, it doesn't just mean truth. It means purposefulness. Okay? So Allah says, Allah, personality will, will help. He created the skies in the earth with purpose. And the word for purpose, there is what truth that hug, the word has two dimensions. So let's contemplate this. From that point of view. Allah is telling me that sometimes I see my disobedient child, my son who talks back to me, my daughter who doesn't even say why likoma Salaam, my grandkids who forgotten about me, my spouse who disrespects me and complains about me to others, uh, he sees all of that, and I see a

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problem. But you know, even in the most difficult relationships, there is a Nirma. And that net, my the blessing is not coming from them, that blessing can only come from Allah, what's coming from them is something hurtful. But behind that something hurtful, there's a greater wisdom. And in that wisdom, that Nima can only come from Allah. So Allah didn't just say, well be near Matthew homeotic. Phone, he said, when we didn't let Allah He homeotic phone, he attributed the near ma to himself, he didn't attribute the NEMA to them to himself. So I need to now start thinking deeper about difficult conversations I have in my family, difficult situations I have to deal with. And so we're going to

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take a step back and say, change our worldview a little bit about our own family, because this, this is about our extended family. In fact, most people, when they have complaints in their life, other than financial or health complaints, if they have complaints about human beings in their life, they're probably human beings in their own family. Like, that's where most of our drama exists. This is what most of our stress comes from, when you get a phone notification, before you even check your phone. Like, I hope it's not from her.

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You know, you're already bracing yourself. Or when you're, when you're having a you're at a wedding, you're gathering, and you know, you're having a good time and you look over, and she just looked at you or you just looked at her and she's like, Oh, he's gonna say something when we get in the car.

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This is not gonna be good. But you're already like, preparing yourself, you're clenching your teeth before you engage in the next exchange, right? Well, you know what, maybe there's another way of looking at this. Somebody asked me a question recently, and I want to maybe use that as an example to help us apply this idea a little bit better.

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Somebody calls their, you know, a mom calls their daughter and tells, you know, your cousin this one will call her cousin a, your cousin A is always saying bad things about cousin B. What is wrong with her? Why is she always talking bad about cousin B?

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And the daughter says, Don't worry, mom. She'll just giving her her good deeds. You know, because when you speak behind someone's back, you may have to give them their good deeds in the asset. So don't worry about it, mom, right? Am I doing the right thing? When I do that? And I and I hear about this conversation, I say, Well, when you're talking about cousin a, doing such a bad thing, you're backbiting to

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the irony of it. And then there's another problem. Aren't you so comfortable saying, Don't worry about it, we'll make them pay in the afterlife.

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Hold on a second.

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If somebody came to you and said, if somebody wanted to take all your life savings now, walk into your house, take your car keys, take your credit cards, take your bank passwords walk out, don't worry about it. We'll just take you can't give up something from your from your life. And you're so comfortable giving up your cousin's asked her.

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Like it's okay. We'll just collect on judgment day.

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Maybe if we took a step back and say no, there's a purpose for which this conflict conflict is happening. And we need to take this challenge and turn it into a NEMA because Allah is calling all of these relationships. NEMA. It's not just that my son or my cousin or my family or my in laws exist. That's not the NEMA. Clearly. It's not just that they exist. There. Their relationships with me are a series of experiences, conversations exchanges. How do I turn this into an Emma? Mom? Have you ever asked her cousin why she's so angry?

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Something must have happened. When did it happen? Oh, you remember that wedding when they did this? This? Okay, so it's been like that since? Yes, it's been like that. Maybe we should bring them together and to solve this problem.

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Maybe we should just help end this instead of furthering it, talking about it and complaining about it. Maybe we should be part of that solution. So this family can actually experience net law

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People are brought into your family and people are brought into my family. For better or for worse, Allah brought them together for a purpose. Everything he does is for a purpose. Sometimes you look at your brother, you're like, how are you my brother?

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Sometimes people look at their parents, like, seriously, you're my parents? Like, I'm nothing like you. How are you? My parents? Sometimes you have you wonder, like if What if we weren't family, I don't know if I would have anything to do with you, or would want to have anything to do with you. But Allah put people together for a purpose. He knows exactly who to you know, put in whose family and who to connect and tied to each other genetically. In fact, he even planned for who should be your in laws in Allah, He went nearly law Geralyn. He planned for that too. Now all of that can feel like a big trial. But if I, if I contemplate this is a certain way, I need to find the blessing in

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it. And I cannot find the blessing in it. Unless I look, look at everything purposefully, maybe behind this conflict. I need to be purposeful and find the right thing to do the right things to say to fix this conflict. Allah talks about people who really believe in him, and he says and those who do facade on the opposite side, he says well, Yakata, Amara, Allah Hoovy and use Well, when you see Luna Filardi, they cut apart what Allah commanded to keep together, like families are hard to keep together.

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You know, spouses are hard to keep together, kids are hard to keep together, the conflicts between siblings can be very intense. The conflicts between parents and kids can be very intense. The conflict between your family and your in laws, family can be very intense. Those are not small conflicts. But in all of those conflicts, if I look at that purposefully, if I look at you know what, I'm going to turn this into a blessing somehow, I'm going to find a way of resolving this conflict. I'm going to find a way of engaging this conversation. Allah put our prophets in such difficulty. And he they found a way of seeking the favor of Allah because they looked at everything

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purposefully. So this is one of the first lessons that we draw from a femininity lay, what would be their Mattila homeotic phone. Another thing that I like to remind myself and all of you have in these ayat is that Allah azza wa jal says what Allahu Allah Allah can mean unfussy come as Raja.

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It's really heavy words. Allah didn't just say he made you he gave you spouses. That would have been easier. Allahu gyla calm as watching Allah provided you spouses good enough. Nope Allah Who Jana loco min unfussy calm as watching, Allah furnish for you provided for you, for you from your own cells from within yourselves. Now the contemplating this some of us had really interesting thoughts.

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Who is who are you? You and I are human beings. And the word to be it to be human, the word in son is tied to owns an estate in us. It's tied to compassion, love, care, courtesy. Those are feelings that human beings were given inside of them, to have to have regard for somebody else's feelings. Like for example, when Allah says about not entering people's homes without permission. Like if you just saw if you went to some friend's house, you can't just walk in right at that Stephanie Sue, until you can feel that you're wanted. Right. And so you shouldn't go at 3am to your friend's house and say, so he doesn't, he doesn't mind. I can just walk into you can't just walk in and you

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shouldn't go at it at an uncomfortable hour. You should have the sense of when this is a courteous thing to do. The word for human beings is actually directly tied to the word for care courtesy feelings love compassion. Once and it's the in us. Allah says he made my spouse from the same elements that he made me if I have feelings, if I have thoughts, if I have considerations, she does too. And a spouse should think if I have feeling some things bother me, I love some things I care about some things, he cares about some things too, and they can't be the same. We're not the same. Well, my halacha Zakharova.

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In this area gonna shatter he's differentiated between the male and the female. So we both have feelings. We both have sensitivities. And at the same time, we're both really different. And when Allah says mean unfussy calm as virgin, there's a really beautiful, you know, ishara in these in these words is an indication in these words, that because they are from me, I have to try that feel. You know, if they're saying something that's hurtful, Where's that coming? From? What feeling did that come from? What would make her say that it's not just because she's evil? Or not? Because they're just arrogant? Those are easy answers, right? This person is so arrogant. They said this,

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this and this, but maybe behind what you think is arrogance is pain.

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And you have your way of dealing with pain and they have a very different way of dealing with pain, and their pain comes out in hurtful, hurtful words. Or what do you think are hurtful words? So if we develop this

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This state nurse, then in our really in our family relationships, you wouldn't see your son as being disrespectful. You would see behind that disrespect, something happened that needs to get resolved. Some of you there's a wall there that you need to break with your love and compassion.

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And you need to do that purposefully. You need to understand the larger purpose Allah wants these people that were put in a family, Allah wants them to stick with each other. Allah wants them to overcome their barriers. Well Allah Who Giada Coleman unfussy come as watchin watch Allah Khan bunny in our halfa it's also interesting that in these ayat, Allah provided you children, Allah provided you in law's grandchildren, others that will serve your purpose, others that will be of benefit to you. Allah is saying that because the an all of it starts with as much meaning you get married, when you get married, you connect it to another family, because you connect it to another family, maybe

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one day you lost a job, or you had a difficulty. And it was your, your wife's cousin's friend that helped you out, you know, there's connections that are made, that Allah provided help for you, it is for you in ways you couldn't have imagined because of that relationship. Because connections were formed through that. So Allah is telling us that we should look at are the human relations that we have, and the impact of those relationships, as all part of Allah's plan that he provided, the people that came into my life are people that he provided, that doesn't mean that it always works out. It doesn't mean that everybody is great, but it does mean that we have to look at everything

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purposefully. We have to we have to keep that in mind. First and foremost, you know, and now finally, I say this, this last portion, that riddle that I didn't didn't quite solve yet, have I been belted? Leave me alone. Are they going to believe in falsehood?

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Are they going to believe in what why even talk about falsehood? You know, this is should be about gratitude and ingratitude. But Allah made it about faith and disbelief. So interesting. You know. So what, what does what do we learn from that? Actually, we learned from that, that my Eman, my faith is actually directly associated with how grateful I am. The more grateful I am, the stronger my Eman is, the less grateful I am, the weaker my email is.

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And when I'm focused on things that aren't true, like Bothell means I'm looking at my family. And all I see is problems. All I see is these are the people I want, why my life is so difficult. This is what they did. This is what they did, this is what they did. All you have is this list of blames for these people. And it's always what's living in your head constantly, You're reliving it, I still remember what you said, I still remember what you did. And because this is this shapes your view of them. Now you see them as these people that all they are is a source of pain, that's all they are. This is a buffet. But because these people, even if they cause you pain behind them as an is a

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network of Allah, and you must discover that the AMA, and you cannot if you just reduce them to just a curse in your life, if you reduce them to just some kind of, you know, evil or hurtful people, they're human beings. They're not devils, nobody's an angel. And nobody's that devil, Allah created angels and devils, those are separate species were human beings. You know what that means? We do good things like Angel sometimes, and we do bad things like devil, sometimes, we're human. So you cannot just take some good things and say, This person always does only good. And you cannot take some bad things and say this person, all they ever do is bad. When we reduce people, especially in

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our families, to their mistakes, and we beat them over the head with those mistakes, and we create a false a button narrative about them, then we have actually denied a favor of Allah, you're not seeing the good in them. You're not seeing their ability to overcome the bad that they did. Human beings can change. Human beings can grow, they can evolve. But you have, you've started believing in bottling. And Allah calls this believing in bottling the iron SubhanAllah. What it is just this one small idea, but it changes the way I see myself. It changes the way I see others. I no longer tolerate the conversation. Oh, your uncle, he's never going to change. Or your cousin. He's always

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going to be like that. All these people I know. You don't know my dad, you know, it's just hopeless. That's just hopeless. Who are you to say who am I to say hopeless? Who are we to determine the future? A fair bit about me no one will be near Matilda who may or may Allah azza wa jal give us real compassion and gratitude for the family that He's given us. May Allah azza wa jal give you the wisdom, the strength, the guidance to overcome the challenges inside of your family, to be able to have deep, meaningful, rich conversations purposefully with your family and to remember always that behind all of those channel challenges, it may be difficulty at face, but behind that as a favor of

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Allah. And may Allah azza wa jal give us the ability to seek that favor of Allah and never be in denial of it. And may Allah not make us of those who

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falsely attribute something to our loved ones. And we because of the mistake they have made, and we just attribute that and they have to live with that forever with our false attribution. You know, this is the mistake the, the sons of Jacoba, acela made, they made an attribution to their dad and abandoned a few dollar movie in our dad is lost and confused because he loves use of more. He's unfair. Our data is unfair, and he's confused. That's it. Now everything he said, Oh, he's just saying that because he's confused. Oh, he's just saying that because he loves you stuff more. Or he I don't know. Listen to his advice. I know he's biased. I know he. So now they've painted him as

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biased. They've got this bottle on him. Now nothing he says matters anymore, right? We can do that to our family members. We can attribute a bottle sticker on them. And now whatever they say has no meaning. Because we already have you know, we've decided everything they're saying comes from the same false place. Right? So I pray Allah protects us from doing that to each other and unites our families and it helps us overcome and heal the pain that we've been experiencing in them and truly makes us grateful for the favor that he has given us. BarakAllahu li Walakum Al Quran Al Hakim whenever anyone here can be it when I came.

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And hamdu Lillahi wa wa salatu wa salam O Allah about the hill. Athena Stouffer also said Allah of letting him or hurt him in the beginning, Mohamed El Amin, what other early he also hid behind Allah azza wa jal vikita be hidden by the Buddha or the bIllahi min ash shaytani. R rajim. In Allah Allah yukata who Soluna Allah Nabi Yeah, you are letting Amman solo Allah He was telling me to Sleeman Allahumma Salli ala Muhammad and Muhammad Ali Mohammed kama Zuleta Allah Rahim Allah Allah Allah haemophilia, I mean in the Gambia Majeed Allahumma barik ala Muhammad Muhammad Ali Mohammed Ibrahim Ibrahim Al Al Amin in the Gambia Majid about Allah. Allah, Allah. Allah. Allah wa Sangeeta little

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Cordoba we didn't have any fracture it will mean Karbala. The crew Allah Akbar, Allahu Allah, Allah will let us know what kind of Salah in the solitaire kind of ultimate mini Nikita Makuta