Prophetic Listening And How It Can Transform The World Within Us And Around Us

Navaid Aziz


Channel: Navaid Aziz


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It's sometimes they seem like the only ones that have the energy this late at night. I remember reading a meme today that said, I'm not a night owl, nor am I an early bird. I'm just a pigeon that's constantly tired and withering away. And I think as you you know, get your 40s you sort of start to feel like that. But definitely once you have once you have children of your own, you definitely feel like that as well. May Allah subhanaw taala make it easy, tight. So we're starting with chapter number two today, that is called reclaiming deep listening today. And I want to start off with this chapter heading itself. Reclaiming deep listening today, who is he addressing? So the

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author of rehearsing Myka yella, Herman Smith, he's addressing the believers, he's addressing Muslims, that Muslims need to reclaim deep listening today, that meaning it is imperative for us to claim this as something virtuous for ourselves, meaning it's in our tradition, but we've lost it. Now we need to reclaim it as our own again, and this is what this chapter is dedicated to. So he speaks about understanding the centrality of listening in Islam, and how it stems from who we are as human beings. So he starts off by talking about who is insulin, where does the word insulin actually come from? Oftentimes, we're told that the word insulin comes from NESEA, meaning someone that

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forgets but the word insulin when you actually study it, in Arabic, and actually means someone that is social, something that requires social inter action. And he goes on to further explain this, that even as you look at, you know, Darwin's theory of evolution explained in Arabic, how did they translate Homo sapiens? For the Arabic speakers in the room? How is homosapien translated into Arabic? Does anyone know?

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I would be very surprised if you know this. Yes.

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And Haiwan are not the animal that speaks so homosapien this complex word, Latin, you know, now used in English, translated into Arabic as is the animal that has the ability to speak and articulate itself. So once you understand the origins of human being, you start to understand that social interaction is very, very important to human beings, and it is the very essence of who we are. So Allah subhanaw taala created us to be with people and SubhanAllah. I want to I want us to understand this so deeply.

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Adam either he's Salam, before he came to Earth, where was he? He was in Jana, not only in Ghana, but in the highest levels of Jannah. Allah subhanho wa Taala gave him everything, everything that he could imagine, Allah subhanaw taala had given to him. But what did he desire? He still wanted companionship, Jana was not enough. He needed to experience someone with it. So Allah subhanaw taala granted him his wish, and granted him how to be with him agenda. And that shows us you know, that story is not enough to show us how dependent we are on interaction, nothing will And subhanAllah that I want to go back to this dichotomy that we keep creating that if we have Allah subhanaw taala

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we don't need anyone else. Right. We explored that last week, the last week if someone comes, you know asking you for advice. It is not appropriate that you say go and speak to Allah subhanaw taala will know of itself, it has to be a part of a greater response that you give. similarly over here, someone should not think that my Eman is weak because I need to socialize. Someone should not think my Eman is weak because I need to get married. But Allah subhanaw taala made these Halal means knowing our dependency for these things, and encouraging us to fulfill it. So if you feel a lack of fulfillment, because you're not socializing, if you feel a lack of fulfillment, because you are not

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married, this is absolutely normal. And this is you embracing who Allah subhanaw taala has created you to be now he goes on to further talk about the importance of social interaction, and how the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam warns us against isolation. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam gives the example of shaytaan as a wolf. And he goes on to say in the coulomb Anacostia that the wolf will devour like not just eat will devour will annihilate the sheep that strays from the flock. So if there is a sheep that strays from the larger flock, the wolf will absolutely devour and annihilate this sheep

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What that teaches us is that there is this concept of Jamar that we are meant to be a part of a greater gathering a greater congregation, a greater party that we affiliate with. And that party is meant to have characteristics. It is not you know, the time to discuss that. But finding people that are like minded that love Allah subhanaw taala, that prioritize the deen, that is what you are meant to be looking for. And that is who you were meant to surround yourself with. And that is why if you look at this concept, remember last week we were talking about

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life is only understood backwards, but it needs to be lived forwards. So why does Allah subhanaw taala tell us conversations of the Hereafter to make sure that we're not going to do things that we regret to make sure that we're not going to do things that we regret? What are one of the things that people will complain about on the Day of Judgment. One of the things that people complain about Yahweh later Later, Nila Mata had fallen and Kalina, that water me only if I hadn't taken so and so as a friend, why, because they are the ones that influenced me, and eventually led me astray. So this conversation is preserved for us, so that we understand the impact of our social interactions.

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So we understand the impact of our social interactions. Now he goes on to explain the differences between animals and human beings. And this the first question I want to pose to you. What are the significant differences between animals and human beings? So I want you to think about that. Go ahead. Yep.

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They have, like they can think like, a better brain. They have a better brain. I like that answer. Okay, what else? Go ahead. Yep.

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So what's the first word?

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So animals only have instincts, and then humans have the ability to discern. Okay, excellent. Sisters difference between animals and humans major differences

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in meaning, and example.

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See what their names were. And so

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it's not.

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Okay, excellent. So knowledge and the ability to memorize, I'm going to pick up on that point in a little bit. What else sisters? What are major differences between animals and human beings?

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The ability to speak

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they have their languages.

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So I mean, I was thinking about parrots, right, certain type of parrots, they can repeat what you know, the here and they're able to memorize some of those statements and they just becomes repetitive.

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Express excellent, they're unable to express their own feelings, they're unable to have deep conversations, right? So they're not able to have those things. Go ahead, last one.

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Excellent, I like that. So human beings have this need to build and to develop, whereas animals, you know, they just live within their confines, no ambition, no goal, not striving towards anything. So Sheikh McHale he goes on to explain a few very, very important points, that if you look at the difference in the animal and the human being, animal brains are not as small human brains are actually much larger compared to their size, right compared to their size. Why does that actually happen? Why are human brains bigger than animal brains? And then even amongst the animals themselves? Why do some animals have bigger brains, and some animals have smaller brains? His theory

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over here and he uses science to prove it is that the bigger the brain, the more relationships they are able to develop and need to take care of. The fewer relationships you need to take care of and develop, the smaller your brain will be. So meaning the more relationships you have, the more your brain develops, as a result of communication as a result of understanding other people's needs. As a result of you know, empathy, mercy and compassion, your brain starts to develop. Then he mentioned on how primates and primates are animals that are closest to the human beings primates are animals that are closest to human beings. So you can think of, you know, different types of monkeys and apes

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that exhibit human like behavior. They are able to create stable social circles, which a lot of other animals are not able to do. So you're

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able to identify the mother and the child and what that relationship actually looks like. And you're able to see activities that they do together, and you're able to see vividly the instinct in the mother to protect the child. So he goes on to say that in these primates, how do they develop their relationship, and he talks about social grooming. So if you've ever, you know, gone on to YouTube, and you randomly going through videos, you'll come across, you know, gorillas at a zoo, and you'll have the mother that's sitting with her child. And she's like, you know, taking the lice out of the child's hair and rubbing her hand through the child's hair. Why is she doing that? What is the

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purpose behind it. So you may think it's just grooming, right? The mother wants to make sure that the child is clean. But it's much, much deeper than that. And he goes on to explain that one of the reasons behind it is emotional, and the other one is cognitive. So one deals with the emotions, and one deals with the cognition, meaning the development of the mind. So with regards to the emotional, this is how the mother shows love and affection, and to show her that she cares, and that she, you know, loves the child. So she does this activity. And what's really fascinating as well, is that when animals have thick hair, and thick fur, the sun cannot penetrate the skin, and thus, the

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vitamin D that it needs, doesn't reach it. So one of the things that creates that social grooming creates, is this very fact is that it allows for the sun to penetrate to the skin. So you when you see social grooming, it's not just between the mother and the child, but you will see even, you know, tribes, men, if we can call it that amongst the animals that will come and separate the skin, so that the sun can penetrate and reach the skin and you can get the vitamin D that it needs. Now with regards to the cognition or the cognitive development, it's also to show security, meaning that the individual that is doing this for you will also be there to protect you and will also be there

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to provide for you. And they also learn to develop and this is going to be you know, the the developing distinction between human beings and animals is that animals for the most part, learn to live for themselves, at the most the Learn to live for their children provide for their children protect their children, and then the more advanced the animal gets, it also learns to understand the need for protecting its group, the need for protecting its group. Whereas human beings, when we develop our groups, one of the things that will that will differentiate us from those very animals is that this concept of good human beings, they will prioritize the needs of the group over their

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own, or at the very least, they should, or at the very least, they should, whereas animals will not be able to do that, whereas animals will not be able to do that. So now,

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when you understand these distinguishing factors, we also learn something called mentalizing. And this is going to be the main one that we're going to focus on today. mentalizing means that you

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understand the thoughts of others, you're able to understand the thoughts of others. So in the previous series, when he spoke about emotional intelligence, we spoke a lot about empathy, right? Trying to understand the emotions of others putting yourself in their place, so you can understand their emotional state. When we speak about mentalizing it's not about the emotion anymore. It's about the thought behind it. So when human beings speak and I'm not sure what happened over here, I think the battery may have died.

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Um, so you have backup batteries

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Yeah, battery's dead. Sorry, folks. We're just gonna have to pause for a minute and Shana.

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Zack l'affaire thank you so much.

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my apologies and just Alchemilla quaden for your patience.

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And thank you so much.

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So we're speaking about mentalizing being able to understand, and other individuals thoughts. And this is the ability to understand that when someone says something, sometimes there's more to what they're saying, than the words that they're using. Sometimes there's more to the words that they're seeing than the words that they're using. I'll give you an example today. So today, I was at home, after Salado Maghrib, I was sitting on my table preparing the Halacha. And my wife was upstairs. And she calls out to my daughter, Aisha, she says, ishi, I'm about to fold the laundry in that tone. Now, for someone that does not understand what is happening, you would wonder why would the mother

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tell the daughter and I'm about to fold the laundry. So someone wants to analyze this a bit deeper and assume the best of the mother and the daughter, you would think you know what the mother wants to teach the daughter how to fold the laundry. That's what she wants to do. Mashallah, great mother, me, the husband, who has lived with them all my life, I understood, I shall come upstairs. Because while we're folding the laundry, we can watch terrible TV. Terrible not as in Haram. But such bad dialogue, such bad stories, such predictable, you know, endings, to what they watch. And that is how she can read to her that you know what, I don't want to be alone while on formula laundry, come

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watch the show with me and help me full laundry, that is mentalizing being able to understand the meaning of the words beyond what is actually articulated. And the deeper the relationship, the deeper the ability to process, the more you're able to communicate with the words that aren't said than the words that are said. Right? There's a saying in Arabic as the key the key Alicia, that the intelligent person is sufficed, even by a gesture, they will understand what you're trying to say and what to articulate. And this will be a fundamental distinguishing factor between humans and animals, that yes, animals do have communication amongst themselves. Plants do have communication

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amongst themselves. But human beings have the ability to interpret language beyond what is said. Whereas animals will not have that, and most will not have that. Now, why is this something that we need to focus on right now. And I want to read out a couple of lines over here, which is in in relation to the importance of what they call the false belief test, the false belief test. And the false belief test is basically helping children understand that someone may believe something that is contrary to reality, someone may believe something that is contrary to reality. So I'll give you an example. Over here, you have two young girls, Fatima, and Khadija, their sisters. So Fatima is

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cleaning up her room. And when she's cleaning up her room, she puts the ball inside of the cupboard. She's the younger daughter, she wants to help clean up. So she takes the ball, she puts it inside the cupboard. So Khadija, the older sister, now, she comes into the room, and she sees that the ball is inside the cupboard, but she knows it doesn't belong inside the cupboard, it should actually be inside the toy box. So she takes the ball, and she puts it inside the toy box now. So now if you were to ask Fatima, where is the ball? What is Fatima going to respond? She's going to say it's in the cupboard, because that's where she put it. But in reality, where actually is the ball, it's in

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the toy chest, it's in the toy box where the toys are meant to go. So now as a child learns to understand that sometimes people will believe certain things that are contrary to reality. And that's okay, that doesn't make it wrong. It just means that this is where they are with regards to their belief. And from our perspective, as we grow older, had we had more knowledge, we should then believe that the ball is inside the toy chest, it is inside the toy box. And it is no longer appropriate to believe that the toy that the ball is inside the cupboard anymore, right? Because knowledge is meant to be embraced. Knowledge is meant to be accepted. But as we get older, do all

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people accept reality and truth? And the answer is no. Subhanallah if you look at the situation and Philistine and Lazar right now, this is a clear example of it. That the truth is man

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The first that you have a group that is oppressing, and a group that is the victims, you have a group that is mass killing, and you have a group that is being killed. Yet it is the group that is being killed, and is the victim that is being portrayed as the aggressor. Now the facts are there, they speak for themselves, yet not everyone who will believe not everyone will accept. So as children, we're meant to be able to learn as to why that actually is. But as you grow older, not accepting reality, and truth comes from a place of malice comes from a place of evil intent, because Allah subhanaw taala created us as human beings that are meant to accept the truth, when we see it,

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that we are meant to accept the truth when we see it. So now, Deep Listening means that a person may or mean moves beyond the spoken words, to focus on what a person feels, and believes. And that's why we're speaking about this, right? So when we focus on deep listening, it's not just about the words that they're using, you have to move beyond that. You have to focus on what is this person feeling? And what does this person actually believe? With regards to feelings, we spoke about emotional intelligence. But here we want to speak about what they actually actually believe. And based upon what people believe, it will manifest itself in terms of action, it will manifest itself in terms of

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action. And this shows you the power of Arcada, it shows you the power of belief. There is an example Allahu Adam, how true it is or when it happened. It happened at some point, but Allah subhanaw taala knows best when, and that is an individual was working at a meat plant. And at this meat plant, he went in to the freezer to empty it out. And as they went into the freezer, they got locked inside the freezer. And after four hours, you actually see this individual, he has died of like hypothermia, please excuse me for a second.

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Sorry about that this person has died of hypothermia. Eventually they find him the medics come. And what did they see, the freezer wasn't even turned on. It was room temperature. This person convinced themselves that the freezer was on at full blast, and eventually showed the symptoms of someone that is dying of hypothermia based upon the belief systems that they have. So this shows us the value of one's psyche that the value of what you believe and what you believe will always manifest itself into your psyche and into the actions that you have. So sometimes people will say something, but they don't actually believe it. And the individual that's present in front of them, that if they're

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actually deeply listening to them should be able to discern between what the words are saying and what the actions are displayed and what they actually believe and what they actually believe.

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So now, let us further expand upon the ability to articulate who here has memorized Surah two Rahman who has memorized similar to Rama this one some of the younger brothers are young brother wrote over here, the black jacket Can you recite the first four eyes for me

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this video

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Jessica located and thank you so much May Allah subhanaw taala bless you and make you from the people of the Quran and make the Quran a proof for you another proof against you, Allahu Amin. So now we look at these four verses are Rahman, the source of all mercy. I love Al Quran. He taught the Quran Holika insert he created mankind Allama Hoon Bian and taught him the ability to express himself. So if you look at the structure of this surah the structure of this surah is about the blessings that Allah subhanaw taala has given to His creation. And this is repeated time and time again. Right if I be a Allah, you're a big mama to cut the bank that which of the Blessings of your

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Lord will you deny? So it's about being cognizant of those blessings and awakening yourself to those blessings? Sometimes Allah subhanaw taala tells you those blessings right in front of you from them is a man that your Lord is the source of all mercy is the

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The biggest blessing wouldn't have itself that had you had a lord that was vindictive and vengeful, we would have all been destroyed, but our Lord is the source of all mercy.

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And then he taught us the Quran, a greater blessing than being created SubhanAllah. So this shows us that if you want to recognize blessings, recognize the blessing of the Quran, just like you would cherish and value the most important things that you have. If you truly believe this, it will be indicated in how you interact with the Quran, if you truly value it, and cherish it, because we all know with the valuable things and that we cherish will always keep them close to us. We're very protective over them. We don't want them to get spoiled, we don't want them to get ruined. It's not right, if we spend a long time away from the things that we love, and we cherish, but do we treat

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the Quran in a similar manner. And Allah subhanho wa Taala has placed everything that we need inside of the score. But then he goes on to say Holika insert. So now you know, one of the you know, let's pick on some teenagers over here.

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When teenagers are going through a difficult moment in their lives, what is something terrible that they say? They say I didn't choose to be created? I had no say in being created. Yet if you believe in Allah subhanho wa Taala Allah subhanho wa Taala is telling you that from his blessings, is that his that he created you? Now why is life a blessing when May? You know it's a fair question to ask, Why is life a blessing, because through this life, you have the ability and opportunity to get to Jannah and that is the greatest thing you will ever experience in your life, the greatest thing ever.

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And if you did not exist, you wouldn't have the opportunity to get there. And part of the journey to getting to Jana is going through times that are difficult. There is no individual that got to Jannah except that they went through difficult times. In fact, the core of Allah's love, is that difficulties are sent your way, right when Allah subhanaw taala loves the people, he sends them trials, he tests them. And the most beloved of people to Allah are the prophets, and those that follow their way. And they are the most tested of people. They are the most tested of people. So yes, you didn't have the say in being created. But this was the gift that was given to you without

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asking, like many of the other gifts that Allah subhanaw taala gives us. And then what does he go on to say that after he created us, a llama who is baya, he gave you the ability and taught you the ability to articulate and express yourself. So now where is the fine line? Where is the fine line? are human beings meant to express anything and everything to anyone and everyone? Or are human beings meant to be silent all the time. And the answer is always a balance in the middle, that you are meant to express yourself and to articulate yourself, but at its proper place, and it's proper time, and to the right people and to the right people. And this is what the blessing of Bian is

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already about. So that you're able to discern what's to say how to say it, and who to say it to. So when you understand that beyond is our ability to express our feelings that differentiates us from animals, but it also differentiates us from babies. That Subhanallah if you look at babies, they are born and they're unable to speak, they're unable to articulate themselves. Allah subhanaw taala naturally instilled inside of them the ability to cry, And subhanAllah you may think that crying is a curse, particularly for parents, your child wakes up at two o'clock in the morning, and it's crying. And you're wondering, why won't it stop crying? But how would if we reframe that crying, and

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we say that this child is trying to tell me something that will save this child's life. Imagine if you framed crying like that, would you get angry again at a crying child, only if you are avoided compassion and mercy, because you do not care about this child's well being and you do not care about this child's survival. So you frame it like that. And you now understand that this is the only way that the child knows how to express itself. And what's really fascinating is that if you look at child psychology, children actually get very, very frustrated when they want to articulate how they feel and want to articulate themselves, but they don't know how. And parents are like you tell me

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what you're feeling. Express yourself better. You're just putting more pressure on the child to express themselves in something that they can to do. So what are we meant to do in such situations? Children learn to express themselves through seeing how their parents and their surroundings

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respond to similar environments. So if a child is in a frustrating situation, it learns behavior from its parents. How did the parent respond to a similar situation? And this goes back to the example we spoke about last week, where do children learn how to swear? Oftentimes, it's not from their friends and their colleagues. It's from their parents at home, that their parents response to anger and frustration in such a way. So the child learns when I'm angry and frustrated, this is what I meant to say. So now with such knowledge and such information, imagine that if you learned, or rather, if you express that when I'm angry, I say I also bIllahi min ash shaytaan ology. So that the

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child when the child gets angry, now, they express themselves by saying, I owe the bIllahi min ash shaytani, R rajim. And this is how you learn the knowledge that we are learning today to impact the relationships that you have with your children, but with all of your family members Bismillah heat to Allah.

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meaningful relationships require cognitive investment. And actually, I forgot something I wanted to share. So going back, just one section, the frustration comes, because Allah has placed within us the desire to articulate what we experienced within ourselves, and to share that inner world with other people. So the inability to articulate what you're feeling and what you're going through to people is not just frustrating for children, it actually becomes frustrating for adults as well, when adults are unable to express how they feel. And even worse, when they have no one to express it to. You're constantly just internalizing those feelings yourselves. So now, moving on to meaningful

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relationships require cognitive investment. So complex social systems are those in which individuals frequently interact in many different contexts with a certain number of individuals. So human beings, we have complex social systems. So you will have one individual that has many, many functions, you are a husband, you are a son, you are a friend, you are an employee, and you serve many, many functions. The more functions you serve, the more your brain develops, the more you interact with people as a result of these functions, the more your brain will develop even further, the more feelings you will feel. And the more you will feel a sense to articulate your self, the

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more you will feel your need to articulate your self. So now is communication

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as a form of weakness, or is communication a form of strength. Oftentimes, we may think that if we overly communicate, this is a form of weakness, but in reality, communication is a form of strength. And this is why Allah subhanaw taala taught us how to express ourselves. And this is why Allah subhanaw taala communicates what he wants to us through the Quran. So communication is a form of strength and not a form of weakness. We're not meant to live in isolation, in silence, Allah subhanaw taala did not create us for that. Yes, there are parts of our lives, where we should intentionally isolate ourselves and to be silent. And this is a way that we can learn to focus so

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that we go and don't get bored so that our enjoyment in the things that Allah has made Halon increases, you'll notice that individuals that are dependent on instantaneous gratification, it becomes very hard for them to enjoy the huddle, and they will often need to go to the huddle. But the individual that can cut themselves off from the world and sit in isolation and sit and reflect in silence. Not only is their dependency on instantaneous gratification taken away, but they enjoy the halal even more. So yes, the halal may not always be as entertaining as the Haram and as enjoyable as the haram. But that is a consequence of the training that you have given yourself, and

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not as a result of the things that Allah subhanaw taala has created. So understand human weakness, and our need for one another understanding human weakness and our need for one another. So just as an infant is born instinctively, knowing how to look for nourishment from its mother, it instinctively knows that in order to grow and flourish and reach its full potential, it must seek a place of security and much reach a place of security. In surah, two room verse number 54 Allah subhanho wa Taala he tells us, that Allah is the One who created you from weakness, and then ordain strength after weakness, and then ordained weakness and old age after

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Her strength.

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If you look at this, scholars generally talk about the similarities between an individual that is young, and an individual that is old. Meaning that when you're young, you're very dependent. And as you get older, you're very dependent. And a lot of amorphous, your own have explained this, based upon the literal interpretation of the IR. One of the scholars alo See, he goes on to explain that the two types of weaknesses that Allah subhanaw taala is speaking about in this ayah. One is emotional, and one is physical. One is cognitive, and one is physical, right. So one is about your internal weakness, and one is about your physical weakness. And both of them will take place in your

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life. And again, it can be when you're young, and it can happen again, when you're old, that when you're young, you easily get scared. As you get older, you'll easily get scared again, right? When you're young, you're not able to walk as you get older, walking becomes a lot more difficult. So as children, we are born vulnerable, not only to physical threats, but also psychological, emotional, and cognitive weaknesses that require emotionally invested, and present and caregivers, who through their interaction with us, provide us a mental framework for how we understand ourselves, along with a framework for how we understand other people.

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So now I want you to think about a child that is going close to a stay close to a stove, meaning that there's fire over there.

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A child does not know that the fire is harmful to it.

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What are the ways that a child can learn that the fire is harmful? What are ways that the child can learn that the fire is harmful? What do you guys think? Yeah, go ahead.

00:42:01--> 00:42:18

Experience. Exactly. And that is what we naturally jump to that the child touches the fire, he gets burnt from experience it has learned and hopefully will not experience it again, what is an other way a child can learn about the harms of the fire? Go ahead.

00:42:20--> 00:42:57

being warned by a parent, and I'll go even further based upon the reaction of the parent, right. So as soon as the child is about to go to the fire, you start shouting the child's name. Yeah, Mohamed, step away from the fire and the child panics. And they understand that they were about to do something that he shouldn't be doing. Now psychologically, it is not as effective as the child touching the fire. By touching the fire more than likely you will not repeat it again. But when you scare the for the child from the fire, they've learned something that you know, maybe I shouldn't be getting close to it. But their curiosity and their inquisitive nature, may overcome that warning, to

00:42:57--> 00:43:30

get to the experience to get the experience. But this shows us that children will also learn based upon the reaction of the caregiver around them. So the parent is paying attention and actually cares for the child, you should warn your child against the fire. Now, if a parent does not respond to the fire, and perhaps is not paying attention, they're on their phone the whole entire time. Or you know what, this is an actual evil and mean parent and says, You know what, let my child touch the fire.

00:43:31--> 00:43:53

Now, if you take this example of the fire, and replace it with any other example, the ills of alcohol, the ills of promiscuous relationships, the ills of turning away from Islam, whatever it may be, why is it that we don't want our children against all of these things? Like we warned them against the fire.

00:43:54--> 00:44:41

Because those are psychological, emotional, spiritual fires, that are just as important of warding our children away from them the physical fire. And what's amazing Subhanallah is that as you emotionally, psychologically and spiritually, warn your children of the spiritual, emotional and psychological fires, that is how you actually save them from the physical fire. That is how you save them from the physical fire. So the presence of the parent, the knowledge of the parent, the concern of the parent, is paramount. And I keep going back to the relationship of the parent and the child, because it's the primary relationship that all of us have experienced. But you can take the same

00:44:41--> 00:44:59

information and apply it to any other relationship, that if you knew your friend was about to walk into something very dangerous, perhaps they're on their phone and there's a ditch right in front of them. Why didn't you stop your friend from going into that Ditch? Of course you would. But again, think about all the other ditches that are out there.

00:45:00--> 00:45:46

that we don't want our friends against. Right. So that is the mentality we want to have. There's a famous scholar of the past by the name of Al Marwadi. And he says something profound that I want to share with you. He says, thereafter he made mankind more needy than any other animal. This is clear because so many animals can survive completely independent of the rest of their species. But the very nature of the human being is that he is in dire need of the rest of his species for survival. This aspect of him is inseparable from his very essence. This is the reason why Allah subhanaw taala says, We're holy called Insano. diver, and that mankind was created weak because of his dependency.

00:45:47--> 00:46:31

So he goes on to give this example, that human beings are more needy than a lot of other animals, because how many other animals, you put them in their natural habitat, and they naturally learn to survive and be independent from the rest of their species. Whereas human beings, not only do they need their parents or someone to protect them in their early ages. But this goes on into their toddler years into their isolated adolescent two years, into their teenage years. Right, that parents relationship is so important, even until that time. And this shows us that this element of dependency and weakness in human beings, creates or manifests as human beings being weaker than

00:46:31--> 00:47:17

animals from that perspective. But there's also an element of strength, meaning that only when you are most vulnerable, with your weaknesses, can you actually learn and grow? And only when the caretaker is in tune with the weaknesses and the need of the child? Can they truly serve the best interests of the child itself? And then not to talk about how Allah subhanho wa Taala places so much pleasure in taking care of others and taking care of others? So why does Allah subhanaw taala remind us of our weaknesses. So this is one of the distinguishes between understanding weakness from an Islamic perspective,

00:47:19--> 00:47:56

versus understanding weakness from a purely scientific perspective. From an Islamic perspective, we know our weaknesses, and we are taught our weaknesses, to keep us humble in front of Allah subhanaw taala. So that we may have humility in front of others, right? When it is deserving of worse from a scientific perspective, when you look at weakness, it's all about focusing on the weakness, to eradicate it, and to get rid of it so that we can become stronger and more powerful and more conquering. So when you look at this concept of engineering, the human body, I'm trying to remember

00:47:57--> 00:47:58

was the

00:47:59--> 00:48:05

So Elon Musk currently owns Twitter. What was the guy's name? Who owns Twitter before Elon Musk? Anyone remember?

00:48:06--> 00:48:53

Jack Dorsey, that's the guy. So I remember reading an article about Jack Dorsey on how he was trying to engineer his life. So how he would, you know, fast for like days at a time. And he would always get his genomes tested as to how he could try to live up to 200 years, and how he would, you know, escape dementia in his old age, and, you know, basically use all the money that he has to live as long as he possibly could, in a healthy fashion. Because if he did not make the most of this world, that was it. There's nothing left for him in the hereafter or so he believed. Whereas from our perspective, our weaknesses define who we are, and allow us to embrace them and allow us to show

00:48:53--> 00:49:34

empathy to those that are weaker than us, allow us to have humility, towards those that are providing for us in taking care of us and a friend to infinity in front of Allah subhanho wa taala. Like we spoke about Alberta, Quebec last week, in front of Alberta, Quebec. Allah subhanho wa Taala is Al Motta cabin, because he is perfect. And we have no right to be motor carrier, because we are imperfect and we are weak. Allah subhanho wa Taala is a local we and we are the alpha we are the weak. So we're meant to have humility in front of Allah subhanho wa taala. So now when we understand this, let's go to the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam colo, Qumran will call local

00:49:34--> 00:49:59

Massoud that all of you are shepherds. And all of you are responsible for your flocks, meaning to someone else, you are a sheep and someone else in your life. You are a shepherd to them, and is the continuation of human life. That sometimes we are teachers. Sometimes we are learners. And our responsibility is to embrace that

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Don't try to get away from that. Embrace your weaknesses, learn to be vulnerable. And the teachers have the responsibility to not manipulate those weaknesses, or to use the knowledge of those weaknesses against them for personal benefit, as often gets done as often gets done. So now we're getting to the conclusion of what we wanted to have this of today's session, inshallah.

00:50:27--> 00:50:30

In the next 20 minutes or so be the nahi Tala.

00:50:31--> 00:50:32

So there was

00:50:37--> 00:50:39

a change, no, we didn't get to that yet.

00:50:44--> 00:50:46

Okay, let's get to this quote over here.

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So familiar security in the early ages, is of a dependent type, and forms the basis from which the individual can work out gradually forming new skills and interests in other fields. Where familiar security is lacking, the individual is handicapped by the lack of what might be called a secure base from which to work. Let's summarize that.

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When an individual is brought up by a parent that is emotionally responsive, that is present physically and emotionally, and cognitively, as the child grows up, it feels safe and secure, to go and explore, and try new things. But if the parent is not emotionally responsive, and is not physically and emotionally present, the child will become very insecure, and will become very, very dependent, and will not want to learn and explore. And this will make this child fall behind with regards to experiences and skill sets. And he has this wonderful quote Subhanallah he says it is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.

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It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. So oftentimes the emotion emotional and cognitive investment that is needed by parents, by children, by their parents, you know, we think there will always be a later time, or I don't need to worry about it, because I can take care of it later. But if you understood that if you invest in your children heavily now, the damage that is done to them through life and through their relationships will be a lot easier to repair than to try to repair them later on in life. So protect them while they're young. And protect them from that damage. So that they don't need to be repaired later on in life. It's easier to do that when they

00:52:50--> 00:52:52

are younger than when they grow older.

00:52:55--> 00:53:43

So now what are barriers that take place in connecting with people? What are barriers that take place in connecting with people? And I want to do another exercise with you. So sudo till Ambia Allah subhanaw taala says after open naming the sheet on a resume is similar to mine or him if thought about it nasty hey Sal boo, whom were homefield love for Latin. What are you doing? May T him in victory Murabbi him or her death in in Leicester Mira Uber home yellow bone. Allah subhanaw taala. He says the time of people's judgement has drawn near yet they are heedlessly turning away whatever new reminder comes to them from their Lord. The only listen jokingly Allah subhanho wa

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taala. He says that the reckoning has come closer to us. But out of heedlessness we are turning away laferla And Elrod, these are two things that Allah subhanaw taala mentions, when you look at relationships, there are these two key elements as to why relationships break down and also do not thrive. And that is in the relationship. One party or both parties is heedless, and or turns away. So he lists means they don't know. turns away. They know but they're intentionally not doing what they're supposed to. They're intentionally not doing what they're supposed to

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take the example of a marriage take the example of a marriage, husband and wife are married. And the first time the husband sees the wife crying. He doesn't know what to do. He was raised in a household of no women. He didn't have any sisters didn't have any cousins that he interacted with. Never saw a woman really break down and cry. He doesn't know what to do. So

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So he says, You know what, let me just treat her the way I like to be treated when I'm upset, and he goes to his role gives her space, let her think, let her contemplate. When she's ready to talk, she'll come to me.

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The wife thinks, what an evil husband I've married, rather than coming to me and showing compassion and mercy, and showing that he's there for me. He's isolated me and left me to myself.

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This is Governor doesn't know any better lack of experience.

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Now, let's take a second example. Second example husband comes home and sees wife is upset. And he says, You know what, I'm going to leave her alone.

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And this time, he says, I'm going to leave her alone, because I can't be bothered dealing with her emotions. I can't be bothered with it. This is an example of a fraud is an example of a lot. Now, when it comes down to our relationships, when they break down and they don't thrive, one parties or both parties are manifesting examples of guff law and examples of error code and examples of a lack of knowledge, lack of awareness, and turning away turning away. And if no claim, Rahim Allah, he goes on to explain in modality just SALKIN, these very concepts, that there are some people that don't know better, and thus the act the way that they act, but there are other people they know. But

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they choose not to. So particularly just to go on the tangent me, okay him or him, Allah goes on to explain. There are people that know the truth, but they don't want to accept the truth, because they know how difficult its consequences are. So someone knows the truth about Islam, but they don't want to accept Islam, because they know that they'll have to give up the alcohol, they know that they'll have to give up the drugs, the promiscuity, their abusive behavior, they know that they'll have to start praying five times a day. So it's easier to live in a state of rejection and heedlessness than to accept the truth for what it is. And this manifests itself in all of our relationships. So this

00:57:09--> 00:57:24

means that even though early relationships, mold, our rotation, my attachment expectations, and we tend to carry those expectations throughout life, they can always be altered, for better or for worse. So now let's explain what this means.

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What was Adam Alehissalaam created from? What was at the money salon created from who can tell me

00:57:32--> 00:57:39

from mud from clay, that's what either money salon was created from is modern clay, or hard substance or soft substance?

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It's a soft substance. It's something that's malleable. It's something that you can shape, right?

00:57:47--> 00:57:50

Clay depends. What does it depend on?

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Clay in its original form is meant to be soft and malleable and be able to shape it, it can become hard. That's very, very true. But in its essence, it's meant to be soft and shapeable. What is the wisdom behind Allah subhanaw taala telling us that he was created out of clay, that as human beings, there are certain things that we exist with there are parts of the clay, and we have them from the get go right? The fitrah the child knows that it needs to get its milk from its mother, it should seek security from its mother, this intuition towards what is good and what is bad. All of that is a part of the clay. But what ends up happening is, is that clay can be molded, and it can be shaped.

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So if you are a certain way, there's a good side and a bad side to this. You can be changed towards something good. But you can also be changed towards something bad and evil, you can also be changed towards something bad and evil. Now after Allah subhanaw taala has created you in a perfect fashion. You're still created from emotional, psychological, and spiritual clay. So physically, you're no longer clay, but emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. You are made out of clay when you come into this world. And eventually you will be molded eventually you will be molded and this is why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he tells us Kulu then you will do al fitrah that every

00:59:27--> 00:59:44

child is born upon the fitrah and it is the parents that either make them a Christian or a Jew. Why does Allah say why does the messenger salAllahu alayhi salam not say either makes them a Christian, a Jew or a Muslim? Why is Islam not mentioned? Does anyone know the answer? Go ahead

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you're already Muslim? Okay. I'll explore that. How about from the sister side there's someone that had their hand up.

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Fifth law is this love

01:00:01--> 01:00:04

So then why didn't the process Selim just say coulomb, although they knew that they wanted Islam?

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Why do you not just say that every child is born upon this now?

01:00:09--> 01:00:13

So that's something to think about. Go ahead. What are you going to say? Yep, yep.

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But this is the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam saying it right so Islam exists already at that time. So it wasn't that it was only those two religions that existed but your friend right next to you had his hand up as well go ahead

01:00:43--> 01:00:47

Excellent. So are you saying you agree with or you disagree with her?

01:00:57--> 01:00:58

Such as

01:01:02--> 01:01:04

Allahu Akbar, this villa?

01:01:10--> 01:01:11


01:01:18--> 01:02:07

Okay, I'm gonna have to have a talk with Sheikh Ali Nasir about this. But good effort is tight. So now, I think let's clear the misconception. Islam and the fitrah are two distinct things. Islam and the fifth law are two distinct things. And every child is not born upon Islam. Right, every child is born upon the fifth rock, knowing between right and wrong. And if that fifth law is allowed to flourish, then it will naturally lead into Islam. But if that fitrah is not allowed to flourish, or in fact, it becomes perverse, meaning it takes a different path, then that natural path is meant to take it diverts into Christianity, or Judaism or any other way of life or any other way of life. So

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now getting back to the point that I was going to make, while I completely forgot what I was going to say, Why was I asking about the Columbo Lulu Allah, that the the process that I'm saying that every child is born upon the filter, and the parents either make it a Christian or a Jew, so the impact of the parents, now this is where we want to speak about attachment, where we want to speak about attachment. So I want to share this experiment with you. This is the experiment of children. And there's a set of toys inside of a room, their mother is present, and there is an observer. And what ends up happening is that,

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at the beginning of this observation, the parent, or sorry, the mother and the child, are together in the room, along with the toy. And then eventually, the mother goes away. And eventually, the mother comes back, eventually, the mother comes back. And the observances found that the children were broken down into three categories, that the children were broken down into three categories.

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Number one, was when the child was there, as soon as they felt safe, that the mother was there, they went and played with the toys. And then when the mother disappeared, they became sad. And when the mother came back, they became happy. This was the vast majority of children.

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Child group number two, was, as soon as they got into the room,

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they separated from their mother went straight to the choice, didn't make eye contact with the mother, mother left, didn't show any signs of sadness. Mother came back, didn't show any signs of happiness. And this is the second group. So the first group is the majority. Now you have a minority. And then you have a minority in a minority, which is the third group of people, which is that from the get go, the child was not separate from the mother. No matter how many toys there were, it never went and played with the toys. The mother tried to get up and leave, the child will not let the mother grow. And if the mother forced herself, the child stayed crying. And even after

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the mother came back, the child continued to cry continued to cry.

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Right. So now let's look at this. Let's look at this. Right. So what are the things that we learned? Group B were those infants who confidently explored their environment away from their mothers, and then sought comfort from them after being reunited with

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them, they sought comfort in their mothers when distressed before this assessment, these mothers had been documented as more sensitive to their children, and more responsive to them during the home observations. So the behavior of the child is predicated by the mother's sensitivity and her responsiveness to home observations. Right? Then we have the group where the infants who pulled away from their mothers, they even avoided direct eye contact, they will distract themselves with the toys, and upon reunion with their mothers, they would ignore the mother's attempt to reconnect. During the home observation, the mothers of these children had been rated as more rejecting and less

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accepting of their infants attachment attempts. Subhanallah look, that the child is trying to connect with the mother and the mother rejects the child. So what does the child learn that you know what rejecting rejection is the norm in relationships? I should reject any form of connection, because that is what my mother has shown me. So let me just be distracted by my environment that may be distracted by my environment. Now what did Allah subhanaw taala say in certain Ambia will home young baboon, that they're just spending their lives in the cauliflower and Elrod, but that's not enough. They're just playing away, playing away being distracted the whole entire lifetime. And then

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the last group were the infants who are not comfortable exploring the toys, and tended to cling to their mothers throughout the assessment. During the home observations. These mothers were documented as being unresponsive and inconsistently available to their infants. So sometimes they're there, sometimes they're not there. Sometimes they're responding. Sometimes they're not responding.

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Now, just from the observation of the mother, and the interaction with the child, look at what it does to the child itself. When the mother is responsive and sensitive, the child learns to explore and learns to grow. When the mother is absent and rejected, the child does the exact same thing. But when the mother is part time there, and part time, not their part time responsive and part time irresponsive, it will just naturally constantly cling to the mother. So we learned the importance of the parent, particularly the mother, and the impact that the mothers response has on the psychological development of the child. And these are called, you know, different types of

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attachments. So you have secure, which is the first avoidant, and then ambivalent, and those are the three attachment styles. Now we get to

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actually, let's share this and then I'll move on to the last section. These children have learned not to respond and keep all of their cries for connection inside out of fear that they might irritate their caregiver, and leads to complete abandonment. So group number two that was rejected. Like they did further studies on these children. And when the mother is away, their heartbeat actually goes up. And they have like a sense of nervousness, but they don't display it and they don't cry, either. And, further the research this is so that the child doesn't want to cry, out of fear that if I annoy my parent, it'll disappear even further and reject me even more. The mothers of

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children in the ambivalent group part time they're part time not there were inconsistent in the responsiveness. So the children learns to click out of fear of losing their mother's attention. Later in life, these people tend to possess a negative self image, a fear of rejection, and an excessive need for approval and excessive need for approval.

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Now we move on to the last portion for today, which is people shape how we connect to Allah, people shape, how we connect to Allah. So the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam he tells us, that you are upon the religion of your close friend. So be very careful as to how you choose your close friends be very careful as to how you choose your close friends. So this shows us that we are impacted by the environment we are around. Now. Allah subhanaw taala also introduces himself as Rob Bula Alameen, right and hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen Rabbul aalameen is the Creator, the Sustainer, the provider of everything that exists and Allah subhanho wa Taala being the Arab means that these are

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the functions that Allah subhanaw taala provides for us, He provides, he said

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He creates he provides and he states. Now it's interesting that when you look at this concept of Rob is often mentioned as a noun, right as a title, right? This is who Allah subhanaw taala is, but when is

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it used as a verb? When is it used as something transitive. It's used as a transitive when talking about parents. So Allah subhanaw taala. He tells us in sort of Islamic work with whom Jana Toliman or Rama will call Rob Durham, Homer Kamara, Yanni. So hear that, Oh ALLAH that insulted Islam, Allah subhanaw taala teaches this dua

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firstly, should lower the wing of compassion and mercy towards our parents, and then to make dua that oh Allah have mercy upon them, just like they raised me when I was small. So there's a very strong connection between how the dean is perceived, versus, or in collaboration with how the child's relationship is with their parents how the child's relationship is with the parents. And I'll read out some of the things over here. First, caregivers of a child imprint upon the mind of the child expectations regarding connection with other people. So the relationship with the parents, you're setting the standard as to how all other relationships will be impacted. So children that are

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secure with their parents will be secure in other relationships, children that are not secure in the relationship with the with their parents will be insecure. And then some people will be completely rejected of other relationships, and other people will be extra dependent extra needy have lack of self esteem, and will have negative self images. And this applies to everyone. Secure parents raise secure children, and those children will raise secure children, meaning this concept of attachment is transgenerational. So when you actively pay attention to your parenting style, this will not only impact your children, but also the way they parent as well. And that is why you will see that if you

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look at greater society, as a whole, children are becoming more degenerative over time, as a result of the degenerative parents styles or lack of knowledge of parenting styles from their parents. And this is what happens over time. And this is why the promises seldom he says that a time doesn't come except that the time after it is worse. And you can interpret one of these meanings to be because parents just don't care about raising their children anymore. Now we get to the last paragraph. The ultimate objective of Islam is to connect people with their Creator. Islam is about forming a bond with Allah. If our early childhood interactions with our parents provide models for how we will

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connect with creation. What does that mean regarding connecting to Allah? See if you can understand everything that we've just learned in this last section with regards to other relationships.

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Can this also be applied to a child's relationship with Allah without a shadow of a doubt? If a person has learned not to trust their early attachment figures? How will that affect their ability to trust Allah? If avoidant behaviors are the byproduct of emotionally unavailable parents, then do those parents ultimately share some responsibility for their child? Avoiding ALLAH SubhanA wa Tada? Is there a share in that responsibility? Without a shadow of a doubt? At the end of the day, Islam is a choice where the child has to recognize the truth and embrace the truth and accept the truth. This is a child's decision. But does their upbringing affect their decision making process without a

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shadow of a doubt. So there is a shared responsibility. We start next week's session on parenting advice on how to be keys of goodness Malfatti.

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Allah subhanho wa Taala forgive us for our sins, mistakes and shortcomings with regards to our relationships, particularly with regards to parents towards their children, and children towards their parents. Allah whom I mean, I know that was a very heavy session, a lot to take in. But if you focus, and you study and you learn, and you try to implement, the rest of the book gets easier. If you don't try to take notes and you don't try to focus, then the book actually becomes more difficult, because the foundation is very, very loose. So now the whole book is about listening and hearing and you're trying to wonder where is all of this going? But what we want to understand is

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that listening and hearing are not just about words that are spoken. It's also about what is unspoken is is about what people feel and what people believe. And we will only be able to get to the root of that. You

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If we continue this journey together, may Allah subhanaw taala grant us Tofik I'll take three questions and then I just want

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to share something with you at the end inshallah. So let's start off with question for some Allah

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01:15:30--> 01:15:30


01:15:32--> 01:15:32

he didn't leave me here

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01:15:50--> 01:16:29

excellent. So that's an observation. And the sisters observation is that if you look at the Prophet salallahu alayhi salam, he was raised without parents, he was, you know, the best of human beings. He was perfect in his character. Right? How do you reconcile that with everything that we've mentioned? So a couple of points to keep in mind. Number one, we highlighted the fact that human beings are malleable, right? But they can be taught to be good, they can be taught to be bad, and their circumstances will not always dictate the outcomes because they can learn new behaviors and go through therapy and counseling and, you know, implement Islam at its root level and change who they

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are. So that's one thing to keep in mind. Number two, is that Allah subhanaw taala specifically mentioned about the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam while watching the Kabbalah and for her Dawa Jeddah eland for Allah, that Allah subhanaw taala found you uninformed and guided you and found you you know,

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dependent and became the source of your independence. Right? So Allah subhanaw taala took special care of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and I believe that very point that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam should not be used as the rule. He should be used as the exception. Yes, there are certain people Subhanallah you will put them in the most terrible of circumstances and situations yet somehow, someway, they still end up going to be amazing, phenomenal individuals. That is the exception. That is not the rule. The rule is that parenting styles are very, very important. And if parents are not responsive, and are not emotionally, physically, spiritually present for

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their children, then the attachment styles. There's too much research to prove that this is how children turn out over periods of time. Allahu Tanana Very good point.

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Any other questions?

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Yes, Bismillah? Go ahead.

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No, excellent. That's very, very good. So the sisters point is that if you look at the example of Lachman, and this turns into a very good discussion, according to the vast majority of Allama Hawkman was not a prophet. He was a wise man that was righteous. Yet he's mentioned in the Quran specifically as a whole Surah named after him. And the crux of that surah is the advice that he's giving his child right. So the emotional,

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physical, spiritual, available father figure that's there. Allah subhanaw taala loved it so much that he created an example out of it says that we learned from it and implemented in our lives. And this is a very important point that indirectly that she's mentioning, a lot of the examples that we've been mentioning have been about mothers, but the fatherly figure is just as important. The fatherly figure is just as important. In fact, if you study Freudian psychoanalysis, the whole concept of daddy issues is about the absence of fathers, whether physically, emotionally, spiritually or cognitively right, so the presence of fathers should not be understated. Just the

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research that we're using is mother focused, and a lot of the texts Islamically focused on the mother as well. How should I respect the mother three times no paradise being under the feet of the mother and and so on and so forth. Hola. Hola. Hola. Hola. Last question for the evening Bismillah

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sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

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Our kids

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are sometimes not

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I think sometimes

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of money.

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That is a very, very good point And subhanAllah so I'm not disappoint over here was that Allah subhanaw taala replaced the parents of the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam with other individuals. So you have, you know, Halima dia, you have

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a man, all these caretakers that were there in her in his early ages, then he's taken under the care of his grandfather under the care of his uncle, and eventually he marries Khadija Rhodiola. Juana, all this support is there. And this goes back to you know, the differentiation between modern day parenting versus traditional parenting, traditional parenting was, it takes a village to raise a child. So raising a child is not just the responsibility of the parents, but is the responsibility of everyone in the village. So that even if the parents are taken out of the picture, the child still feels secure, still feels cared for can still learn in the environment, modern day parenting,

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and you learn you see a lot of this in, in modern psychology is about the parents themselves, because has individualism crouched into our psyche, this is my child, therefore, I have to parent him, and no one else has a share in it. And so society responded to that as well. Whereas society no longer takes it upon themselves to educate other people's children. In fact, it's almost taboo, that oh, you know, you shouldn't be educating other people's children, and Islamically. That's not correct. We believe in the concepts of good and bad if the child is doing something bad, regardless of who it is, in a merciful compassionate way, the child should be corrected. And if the child is

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doing something good, then the child should be encouraged. So this whole concept is a very, very valid point. Dr. Lowe, thank you so much. Bye, folks. We will end with that today with Allahu taala. And we'll pick up next week, speaking about parenting and how parents can be Malfatti

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keys of goodness