Channel: Musleh Khan
I welcome you to today's session like Microsoft comm
before I hand over the mic to him and you know the session starts just a very, very brief introduction of Stefan, many of us know him already and many of us have already you know, fallen in love with him for the sake of Allah
taught us over the last couple of days martial studies from Canada, I think having studied there hadn't finished schooling there he went off to Medina and studied under different scholars of different fields of Islamic Studies in Medina University for 10 years. And well here he is today to speak to us on this topic, which I'm sure a lot of you would like to learn a lot about. So without wasting much time, I will hand over hand it over to
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brothers and sisters as salaam alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa.
And once again, I personally thank you all for being here this evening.
This is the last time that I will be speaking to you. And only Allah knows best if we will ever have a chance to do this again in the future. But we hope so when we pray that Allah azza wa jal strengthens the relationship that we have with each other. And it becomes a regular trip for me to come to this part of the world and visit you and hopefully insha Allah, you can all do the same and come and visit us in the West. As the brother mentioned, the discussion this evening in sha Allah is more or less to maintain a happy lifestyle, particularly when it comes to marriage. Before I begin, if I sound like a bit under the weather, it's because I am.
Let's just say that, before I got here, a lot of my peers and my mentors that kind of gave me a brief insight that the food here is very different from the food or customers.
Because us in the West, we're weak, we have weak stomachs. So when we come to different parts of the world, sometimes we may eat the foods that we like. And sometimes we may eat those things that we would eat back home. But it might just be cooked differently. And before you know it, it doesn't react very well with us. So I've been battling with that. And like I said, it just sounds as though I don't have the energy that I usually would ask you for your indulgence, or your indulgence and show. But I'll try my best to be the little Muslim icon that you all know and shall not.
So we're talking about happiness in a marriage.
One of the things that whenever we start a topic like this is, we know that this is the primary goal of every single human being no matter what we do in our lives. Everybody wants to attain happiness. Some people attain happiness by power and authority to see how much or how many times or how many levels they can climb the political ladder, and gain power and authority some people find happiness there. Other people find happiness in money and wealth. Other people find happiness through families and children, whilst others find it strictly in their marriages. However, to set the tone of how we're going to approach this topic of Eliza Jill tells us what true happiness is. true happiness is
based on a particular verse in Silverton the whole sort of the natural history is the surah of the Allah says, important verse. Men are below solid. He hadn't been that good in our own third world.
One woman, whoever does this righteous deeds from the males and the females. And in addition to that the do these righteous deeds by perfecting their relationship or their faith with Allah, then that's the result. For No, no higher tongue to yeva, Allah xojo promises you, you're going to have a happy life. But this is a very clear and explicit a you do righteous deeds in your life. What's on the other side of the equal sign, it's a happy life. any aspect of your life turns into happiness once you live a life where you're constantly doing good deeds. And when you think about good deeds, don't think about well, I have to find out what good I want to do. And it has to be at a large and high
scale. Sometimes the most miniscule things that you do in your life can be the greatest acts of worship in the sight of Allah. Let me give you an example. Once there was a time when the Prophet salaallah Mahdi, who was suddenly them gave glad tidings to a man and said to him that you will enter Paradise. Why? Because simply, this man saw something in the path of where people would be walking. So what he did is he picked up this, it was a probably a piece of a rock or a piece of stick or wood or whatever. And he just picked it up, and he moved it to the side, just so that people could walk back and forth easier. Bob say set up says you're going to get Jenna because you
did that. You're going to get paradise. So literally what this does for you is it puts a lot of things into perspective. The most important thing is that it tells you an AI that we never trivialize deeds, we'd never do that, we always make sure that even the littlest things that we do could have the greatest rewards in the sight of Allah. This is the key ingredient or point that you need for a marriage to sustain happiness. Now, I want to start off by saying, and I mentioned this last night, that the person who gets married, and they get married for the sake of a love, and they get married in the using the proper methodologies, meaning they start off on the hallowed foot and
not on the how long foot, they start off by how that means in the sense that they do all the necessary steps to maintain a high level relationship, pre marriage, and then also, during the marriage. Once a person does this with that intention, then they have set the stage that whatever efforts you make to maintain a happy marriage, it's going to happen, you're gonna you're going to achieve them. Why because the way you begin, once upon righteousness, you begin upon a set up. But you began by taking the right steps to achieve good things. This is why scholars, they say a very important principle in our religion is that you can't attain hada through how long means it doesn't
go hand in hand. And the way that you want to interpret that is that doesn't work just for spiritual things. But you can attain good by doing bad things. So even practically, or logically, you can do that. So the same idea when it comes to preparing ourselves for marriage. So what happens to people get married,
and they talk to one another, or they get to know each other sometimes for a couple of months. And even for some people, or some couples, it's a couple of years. And during that couple of years, you know what they're telling each other. Oh, my gosh, I love you so much. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. And they talk all the positive things in this world. And the guy you know, you present certain problems to him. And he'll his response is always, whatever you want, dear, anything that will make you happy, I'm going to support it. And then she falls in love with this. And then she responds and says I'm going to be the best wife ever. I'm going to be the most obedient
and this is the relationship that they have. That's great. That's exactly where you want it to be. So they get married. And they have a beautiful wedding and all the family's there and all the in laws, everybody comes together. They have a beautiful wedding. Now they get together and it's time for them to live with one another. Now, this is where things get interesting. Now things are gonna get interesting
because it's no longer about pre relationship where you're not waking up with that person every day. You're not going to sleep every single day and that person is there with you. You're not seeing that person through thick and thin
You're not seeing that person through hardship and ease. Now you're going to see all of those things put together.
So what does that do for you?
One of the first problems in this particular scenario
is that people think I say people because not only Muslims have this issue of all human beings have this issue is that when you get married, that pre relationship, a lot of people think that's the way the relationship should be. That's the first mistake. The first mistake is that you think the engagement life will be exactly the same as the marital life. So the first point that I want to make in terms of achieving happiness in a marriage, and maintaining that happiness is don't set expectations for each other, don't expect
that your husband is going to be the exact same person that they were before you got married to them. Because what you saw before in that engagement, you saw personality, you saw certain characteristics about that person, now you're going to see natural characteristics that you normally wouldn't see why because you're just not exposed to them. So the first thing that you want to do is you want to enter a marriage with an open mind. And also, when we say no expectations, if you have siblings, you have your own brothers and sisters, what a lot of times Muslims they do is they will expect their wife to be like their sister, or like their mother. So the wife has to cook. And her
food has to taste just like mom's food, or the husband, he has to work and he has to provide exactly the same way that dad used to provide. I always say, if a husband and wife decide that they want to have salt and bread every single day, that's their own business, especially if both of them come from rich families where they can eat whatever they want. So the first thing is you do not set high expectations for one another to be like somebody that they're not, that's the first mistake. So if you avoid that, and you go into a marriage with an open mind, and you go into a marriage, that you take each issue or each day, step by step, and you treat it for what it is, in sha Allah, you have
started the roadmap towards maintaining happiness in your life. Why is this so important?
It's important because if you have a particular expectation from your spouse, and they don't fulfill it, you're not going to hold them accountable for that. You're not going to say to them, men, I wish you were like so and so you're not going to compare that person to others. And that's the worst thing that you can do. The prophet SAW the love on April 7, even though all of his wives were they never compared one to the other, he would never do this, he would always treat each of his wife accordingly based on who they were, who their personalities were. And we see some of the most greatest examples, especially when we look at the life of eyeshadow, the aloha aina, or these are
the Aloha, Southern over the long run, he loved each of them equally, but for different reasons. So that's important, you don't set high expectations. Number two, when it comes to maintaining a happiness in our marriages, is that you set goals for one another, you set goals for one another, what is it that you want to achieve once you get married? It's not just about children, that is part of marriage. It's not just so that you can have a relationship that is a part of marriage. But when you look at the entire picture of what it is that these two individuals come together, and they want to live with each other, what do you two as two Muslims hope to accomplish in your life, some of the
greatest students of a love meaning some of the most devoted slaves of Allah are the ones who get married for the sake of Allah. This is why some of the scholars they say, if you want to excel in Islamic knowledge, get married. If you want to excel, if you want to be a devoted student, if you want to be focused in your life, if you want to be focused in achieving your goals in your life, start off by getting married. And this is why I mentioned yesterday, the person who says that when you get married, everything goes downhill. They're only talking about themselves. Because when you take all the right steps, this is not that not the case. So you don't want to set goals for
yourself. So what kind of goals do you set? The first thing that you want to set for yourself are two things you want to set Islamic goals, Islamic
aspects and ambitions that you have things
You want to cheat the two. So for example, that has been a lifesaver. Let's try to memorize half the four and together, let's try to memorize one juice or one chapter of the Quran together, or let's study a book or let's do something together, that's Islamic, double better our relationship with a lover. And then there's a practical aspect of this, which is the world the dunya. What do you hope to achieve by living in this world, so you and your husband or you and the wife, you sit together and you find out, okay, we want to work together, because we want to buy a house, we want to get a car, and you try to work these things out. Remember, having a good life in this world is not what
ought to be rich is not how long, it is completely had and permissible for a person to want to be rich and want to have lots of money and wanting to have lots of wealth. And as a matter of fact, this shed era encourages this, you're encouraged to do that, because why the problem is so low, it will send them said, the person who is rich and is blessed with wealth, this wealth can do one of two things for you, it can either be a curse, or it can be the greatest blessing of this world, depending on how you use it. And I think that's obvious, if you use it for the right means, then obviously becomes a great blessing. But if you use it for otherwise, then that is the result. So
it's completely permissible to do that try to achieve things in this world. Unfortunately, you know, we have this in the West as well. And I'm sure you all see this here as well. For some reason, a lot of Muslims have this frame of mind that the less you have, the better you become as a Muslim, that frame of mind. So what do they do, they if their car breaks down, they scotch tape all the parts together or something or, you know, if there's a dent, or they're always going to look for the oldest model of anything, they're always going to look for the worst car or the oldest house and they say to themselves, I don't want to get involved in the dunya. I don't want to get attached to
this worldly life. This is a very incorrect understanding. When we say we don't want to attach ourselves to the world. Just because you don't have something nice, doesn't mean you're going to be detached from the world. The poorest people in this world are still attached to the dunya. The people who have the least can still be attached to the dunya. That's why the term that's used to describe this action in Arabic is called Zhu.
Zhu doesn't mean to abstain from the world, it means so that whatever you have, whatever it is that you own, you yourself, don't become attached to it. So you can have the beautiful mansion, you can have those beautiful cars, but you yourself in your heart, it's embedded and it's planted that you're not going to allow this thing to attach itself to you. So that if tomorrow you lose all that wealth, you know where you're going to say, you're going to save hamdulillah.
And then if tomorrow you get more of that wealth, you're going to say at 100. And that's why the prophets of the love party will send them one said how beautiful the affairs of a believer is. Because when hardship comes to them, they still praise Allah. But when he comes to them, they still praise Allah. I mean, you just can't pierce the heart of a believer you can't do it. And this is the true believer that believer that those that the ultimate goal at the end is I want to achieve something when I leave this world. So that's the second one is that you set good solid goals, both from an Islamic perspective as well as a practical or doing yet or material materialistic
perspective. Number three, this is important. This is one that I brainstormed myself, and I'm the one who added this particular point because as a marriage counselor. For the last maybe 14 years or 13 years, I've been doing this marriage counseling stuff. Uh, one of the things that I've been finding that is happening more and more and more with couples is, and this is the third point is that two individuals think that because they are committed to one another, this commitment has no boundaries. What do I mean by that? Don't think that the other person is a scholar and has all the answers to all of your problems. Let me give you an example. Sometimes a wife may say about her
even though the chicks its own so my husband doesn't do that. So whatever. We forget what the what the chef said, Our it'll be the other way around. No, my wife doesn't do that. Or my wife doesn't be
Though my wife doesn't dress though, so forget what the book that I read, forget what it says. So what do you do? You take the commitment that you have with that spouse and you take it beyond the levels that it should go. Remember that your husband unless he or she, your husband or wife unless he or she is proven or deemed to be a scholar of Islam. It's important to know what is a scholar of Islam a scholar of Islam is a person