Family Life #1

Episode Notes

A brand new Ramadan 2020 series on Life with Children. Each day, a short reflection on the challenges and blessings living with children. Even if your not a parent, this series is still relevant and beneficial to you, Inshallah. Enjoy!

© Transcript (Experimental)

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As Salaam Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh everyone.

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Welcome to the Lal Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah.

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So this is a brand new Ramadan series called life with children. And to be honest with you, I wasn't going to do anything, live this Ramadan just because the way that things are I wanted to experience what it was like not to have to leave the house and do you know things all day and night in the month of Ramadan. So I spent a lot of time at home spent a lot of time with my kids and spend a lot of time just on myself. And but due to a lot of brothers and sisters from around the world just asking for something, especially when it comes to their teenagers and young adults that they have in the home. Just something to encourage them when I thought to myself, you know, some handleless that

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still, no matter what we do as a community, when we put out all this knowledge and all of these reminders, we always seem to forget this one category of Muslims and people in the community, which is our youth. And every Institute and every Masjid always talks about, we need to help the youth we need to encourage the youth. But when it really boils down to it, they're always at the bottom of the list. And so what I'm thinking to myself is that I thought well, why not just dedicate this Ramadan to the young people. So that's what I'm going to do. So this presentation is going to be for the rest of it. I'm Oban in sha Allah, a short clip of a reflection that can help both the young

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people, young adults, as well as the parents to help just not just cope with the stress and all the things that are related to this COVID-19 I'm actually not going to speak much about that at all. But I'm going to primarily focus on just the relationship factor between parents and their children. And again, especially the teenage and above group, that group is the group that I want to focus on. So here's a couple of things to look out for. Number one, parents do not for a moment think that this is a reminder just for your kids. And then you know, you got me on screen and say, okay, kids, come on, gather around the table, and you press play, and then you walk away. This is a reminder,

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especially for you, as parents before even your children, you are both in this together, never in the history of mankind, that in that nucleus where parents are parenting their kids, that it was a one side road, like the parents would just throw out a whole bunch of instructions. This is the manual, follow it. It never that's taught to be it was never that way to train and raise children and raise a family has never been done that way. But also our actions, the style that we use in terms of parenting, how we judge our kids, how we compare them to other children, all of these little things are integral in terms of parenting young, parenting your kids, and in and also

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encouraging them to be religious to find hope to find a need for Allah subhanho wa Taala to find a need and that I need to follow a code of ethics, like Islam or what have you. But this is the way that I should live and not be able to do anything that I want to do or make whatever decision I want to make. So parents, you need to be part of this as well. So that's the first thing number two is definitely for the youth, you guys, I just want to ask you to keep an open mind and give me a chance, just give me a chance to be able to explain some principles and some very basic terminology about our Dean, that I really think is going to be helpful to you, not just religiously, but it's

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going to be helpful to you just in life in general. So how to cope with stress how to cope with the anxiety of life, not just in schoolwork, not just with friends. I mean, those seem to be the only two topics ever when we talk about the youth. But there's Oh, I know that there's a lot more to your world. And I just want you to know that if you're patient with me and you just hang with me, I'll get to those things. And by all means, this is a presentation that I'm also going to encourage you guys to just ask questions, just type it in the comments field, I'm going to read it, and I'll answer it in sha Allah, as well as the parents, you can do the same thing. If there's something

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specific that you want me to address or look at or what have you, please do that. But please don't do it in such a way that you write down in the comment section. That, you know, my kid does this or they act this way. Can you address it? They'll be listening tomorrow at whatever. I'm not going to do that. And I have stopped doing that for years where parents will come to me before a talk or a presentation be like my son, my daughter is in the audience. Could you talk about this? Could you talk about that because I really want it I really want to hit them hard with that subject. Before I used to do it in a very subtle way. Now I don't do it at all.

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I just don't I've learned over the years interacting with young people that that is just not the right thing to do. Don't single out your kids from everyone else. Yeah, sure, everybody has unique behaviors and unique things that they say and do. But at the end of the day, it's not the wise method, when you're trying to encourage them to be good people to be good citizens of Islam, and to just be good children, it's not the right thing to do. There are other ways to do that. And the last thing that I want to share with you in this short, I guess, introduction is actually want to be able to start off the first reflection on how to help build a strong relationship with your children,

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both within the home as well as spiritually and religiously in Islam. And the first thing that I want you to all consider, and especially the young people, I hope you're listening, or eventually you'll listen to this as well. Is that how we introduce Islam to young people? Now, the thing is, is that you have to do this in a way that is very methodical and wise. So you don't just pick what you feel is important, but you pay attention to what you think is right for your child at that moment. And everything that I'm going to share with you in terms of these like parenting techniques and skills all comes from the Quran and Sunnah. I'm not making up any of this. I'm not like some super

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parent that has all the answers about the same struggles like everybody else. But when I look at the horror end, and I look at certain passages of this book, I noticed that there is a ton of parenting techniques and skills that we could use when we're trying to encourage both each other the children as well as encourage ourselves as parents. So the first thing is to pay attention to when is the right time to say what you want to say or to teach what you want to teach and I get this from lachemann it has set out in sort of look, man, now listen to this ally. So justice will attain a lot of men and Hickman we gave Lockman wisdom, why introduce all of the advice that look man is about to

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receive with the fact that we gave look man wisdom, and not just say we guided him to good advice, or we gave him a ton of advice, or we gave him knowledge. Allah singled out one very important tool, which is wisdom. In other words, whatever Look, man, Elise and M knew or didn't know. It didn't matter. It's about when he was going to project that knowledge and information to his son. That was the key. So it's not about all I can teach my children anything because I've never gone to school. I never got never got to study Islam. No, no, no, just slow down. What you have to focus on is what do you know about Islam? You know, the things that you practice the things that are important to you.

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And you must make sure that you keep that within the framework of just what Islam teaches. You don't just make up what you think is right or wrong, or to what extent that that goes. So the first thing is, you have to be very wise and Allah is telling us that before Look, man starts this conversation with his son. Allah says he was wise he knew when the right time was to do this. Now let's continue and listen to this as well. I put out a document on hikma and Nish quarterly, the peak of lachemann ie his sermons wisdom is that he was grateful to Allah. So here's the next point. So the first point is one. First point is to know when it when is the right time and place to start giving advice and

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teaching your children. But the second thing is to be grateful that your child is still in one piece. To be grateful you have children to be grateful that even if there's a spark of good Hamdulillah, you know, even if like you're trying to get them to the masjid, and they don't want to go to the masjid, right, at least said hamdulillah. I mean, even if they don't want to go to the masjid, I'm still glad that they still pray five times a day. Even if they don't pray those five daily prayers on time, I can still see that they're doing it, even if they're, you know, may not even care about anything to do with Allah and Islam. They still come home every day. You know, they

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haven't been like a lot of other kids that will just try to rebel and leave the house and come home at all hours of the night. And I'm going to get to those things. Because those are some of the exceptional cases that we do have tons of Muslim families out there that have those problems. I'll get to that in Sharla a little bit later. This is just the introduction. So it's about knowing when and it's also about being grateful to the good things that you can see and appreciate in your children. And third and last thing, and this is how short these videos are going to be. Is that the a continuous initial really let me ask you for innama your scottoline FC. So just remember that

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sugar or gratitude in and of itself, it only benefits us Allah doesn't get anything out of that. Now the last thing that I want

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Capture about this whole discussion is that, take some time, take some time, to share exactly how you feel with your kids. And kids, you must do the same with your parents, you got to tell them how you feel. And when I say when you tell them how you feel, don't be like, Mom, you're so crazy, I hate you. You don't even understand nothing, Dad, you barely speak English, you don't understand nothing in life, you didn't even went to school here. That's what I'm talking about. Don't start pulling out all of their weaknesses and all of their faults. Because what it allows say to do less said, Don't even say to them don't even express express any sort of emotion, or word that would

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showcase you're disappointed, frustrated or upset. Don't show any of that, swallow it, keep it to yourself. And that's a grind that young people have to learn to go through, is that we're not perfect. And just like what we did with our parents, they weren't perfect as well. And so we have to understand that there are certain things you just have to leave it alone and let it go. You know, it's like how when the daughter makes her first plate, you know, she cooks her first pot of food, and she wants her parents to taste it. Okay, she makes some noodles or whatever, right? So the first time she's decided to cook, and the first thing that the mom or dad say when they taste her food is,

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man, you didn't put enough salt in this thing, or this doesn't. This is not the way I taught you. Well, you probably got this off YouTube. That's why it's got no taste. That's why it's this. That's why it's that, what are you doing, like, that's not the way to respond, they bring home a report card, and it says a minus, and you're looking at stuff, it'll, you know, this is just terrible, you just take the whole course all over again, just the person at least tried your child tried, they even had the guts to bring the thing to you to bring and show it to you. Even if it's lower than that I've got a C minus Alhamdulillah, it's not an F or a D, they put an effort, all you got to do

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now is there's room to improve, talk to them about improvement. So my point is that the third thing is speak about how you feel with one another, start having those conversations. And there is no age limit to having genuine conversation about feelings in a family. There's no age limit to that. You know, I have my elder, my older brothers and sisters. And we do this all the time, not just with each other. But even as a family, you know, and in this day and age you have you have more options, more avenues and platforms to do that. If it's kind of weird or awkward to have those conversations in person, start a whatsapp group, and just have it in on WhatsApp to say mom, you know, or dad the

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way you said this, or you tell your kid you know, didn't like the way you spoke to me today. And I wasn't nice. And just battle it out and let it all out in a in a whatsapp group. At least it's a start. I'm not saying all of these kinds of conversations should be done digitally. Just it's a start to ignite some real genuine conversations about how you feel, and what's going on in your life. And so, in this day and age, when you're locked down, I know it's hard. I know it's not normal, you know, to see your family in the same faces day in and day out. It's not a normal thing, I get it. But it's also an opportunity for us to be able to unleash some of those true feelings. And

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I get this all from the poor and member Look man, it is so damn had wisdom. He knew when was the right time to start doing this. He was grateful that his kid wasn't everything all everything about his son was bad. He didn't just focus on all of the pessimistic things about his child. But a lot shifted his attention and his focus that with your wisdom, focus on the good things that you should be grateful for what you would that you have with your son. So focus on the things that you're grateful for that you have with your children. And with that kind of attitude. You'll see sincerity start to manifest itself, you'll see that the willingness to want the best for your kids and your

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kids wanting the best for you, all of this stuff will start to manifest. Why? Because you were just a good person, you were grateful from the very beginning. Then the third and the last thing is to have genuine, real conversation. And this works both ways. So kids, your parents don't have to do the talking. They don't even have to initiate this stuff. If they don't you do it. And parents when your kids are trying to tell you something, I get it. You know, it's very easy for us to present ourselves to that to where we're superior to these kids. You know, they don't have the knowledge or the experience. Just just pause for a minute and hear them out. hear what they have to say. It

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probably will surprise you. And I have a seven year old daughter the other day. I forget what I was doing. I was doing something. Oh, the other day I was working on something in my car right I was just trying to clean up stuff.

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things and I was using, you know, different types of chemicals, and so on. And I couldn't find one bottle, it had a spray with soapy water in it. And I'm looking for this bottle everywhere. And my daughter, my seven year old daughter looked at me and she's like, Daddy, are you looking for something? What are you looking for? And I hesitated because I said to myself, my brain went into this auto auto tune that she's not going to know what I'm looking for. But then I just said she had, she was smart enough to notice that I was looking for something. So maybe she'll probably know where it is. Or she could find it. So I said, you know, yesterday, I don't know where I put this bottle.

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It's a clear bottle and has soapy water in it. And after we you know, she was like soapy water, does it have bubbles? And I'm like, No, no, this is for work. I said, we got to look for it, because I need it right now you know what she did, she started looking around, started going through my tools started going through in the you know, in the room started watching and she found the bottle, it rolled underneath the bed. And I'm just thinking to myself, my goodness, man, I have to trust her more. And I have to believe in her more. She might be seven years old, you know, at least in terms of how long she's been alive, but she might be smart, like a 10 year old, she might be wise like an

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eight year old. And I have to just be able to trust that. And that's how I can learn what her limits are. And so some handle, we sometimes underestimate the potential of our children. And that's a huge parenting mistake. Why? Because we probably never had those opportunities or reached that potential. That's a tragedy and IE what are the alumni one said that we were taught to raise our children different from what, from how we were raised. And I thought that that was just one of the most profound statements on parenting I ever read. And so with that being said, I want to ask all of you that are listening to this to kindly take some time and share this video with your kids. So some at

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some point today, especially I would prefer that you do this before you break your fast, but you can decide whenever, which is why I'm not releasing these videos at a specific time. When I feel like doing them, I'm going to do it, it's going to be online and you can take it and you can show it to your kids as much as or whatever you want. But please do it as a family. That's the key. Everybody just sit around the phone, on the TV, whatever it is, and just watch the short clips as a family. And I'm going to tell you why I am seriously encouraging that at the last video on the last day of Ramadan inshallah, and I'll tell you why I'm doing that, why I'm encouraging that if you watch this

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alone, and then you shut off this phone or shut off the Wii and then you go to your kids and start telling them what to do. Please understand that's not for me. Okay, that's not the way that I want this to come across. I want them to hear it from my own voice. I want them to see my face and I want them to listen to it themselves so that they could develop their own opinion their own reaction and their own thoughts and what they're listening to. And that way Guess what, you can stimulate that good conversation hopefully in sha Allah Okay guys, so please, please share this video with your family sit down and watch it. I'm going to make these videos maybe about seven, maybe seven or eight

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minutes long. That's it so I apologize This one is probably a bit longer. But stay tuned for the others in shot low tide and like I said every day will be a reflection on life with children every single day and like I said it will work both ways parents with kids and kids with parents. So stay tuned for that. I hope that this is something that will be beneficial for all of us that if you have any thoughts if you have any questions if you have anything that you any suggestions, just put it in the comment field and I will take a look at them just like a low haven guys. That's all it is for now. Take care. I hope you have a wonderful day wonderful Ramadan May Allah subhanho wa Taala bless

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you and accept from us. All of our efforts will love them. You take care of somebody to love to better care to

Family Life #1
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