Muhammad West – The Etiquette of Disagreement – Episode 09

Muhammad West
AI: Summary © The speakers discuss the reasons behind marriages, including financial pressure, domestic chores, and the importance of having children. They stress the importance of being open and honest with one's finances and avoiding domestic chores when younger. The Sharia law requires individuals to provide for their wife and children, but they can also work and contribute to bills. They also emphasize the importance of avoiding conflict and not giving up on love, and stress the need to make sure everyone understands the importance of avoiding negative emotions and staying in a positive mind in order to win argument. They also mention upcoming events and events such as graduation party and monthly outreach program.
AI: Transcript ©
00:00:01 --> 00:00:12

Hello James Miller, manager of human desirable alameen wa salatu salam ala Sayidina Muhammad Ali was mine, my beloved brothers and sisters in Islam salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

00:00:13 --> 00:00:47

All Praise to Allah subhanho wa Taala, the Most Merciful, the most kind, I shadow Allah, Allah in the law, I bear witness that man has the right to be worshipped except Allah. And we send our greetings and salutations and love to our beloved nebby Muhammad Sallallahu sallam, to his pious and pure family, his companions and all those who are following suit until the end of time. mela, Allah bless us to be steadfast in the student of Nabil Mohammed Sol Salaam, may Allah bless us to follow His guidance and his teachings so that we may be with him in the life after I mean, Allah bless us in this walk of Juma all our sins that we've done in this past week before given mela except the

00:00:47 --> 00:01:01

Hajj of those who judge those who attended the Hajj Malik except from them, although they grant all those who are returning home to return safely. I mean, in my locker on all of us, all of us here to be in the Holy Land very soon. I mean, I mean,

00:01:02 --> 00:01:39

glom on to behind belated evil Barak, some of you I haven't seen since two weeks ago. And I hope that you had a blessing eat with your family, and Alhamdulillah. I hope that it's always good to be back. I wasn't here last week, and it's good for us to be back. We continue with our series, which we started a while ago. This is Part Eight, part nine of our series on the etiquettes of disagreement, we're talking about relationships, we remember, parents, children, brothers, sisters, we're speaking about spouses, husbands and wives. And we say the one person that you probably going to argue the most with is your wife or your husband, right? That's the person you're going to argue

00:01:39 --> 00:02:21

the most with. And we were talking about why marriages fail the reasons for divorce. And then we broke for a little bit to talk about the issue of two IDs. We spoke about that. And then I wasn't here last week. So I'm back in sha Allah. So we're going to continue talking about why marriages fail. And as we said, that never ever before, has it been so difficult to maintain a marriage as it is today? 50% of marriages fail, they don't work off of every marriage. And if you go deep, and some of those 50% that stay married, or they happen, the question, are they effective? Are they are they are they? Are they communicating effectively? Are they doing so because of obligation of kids

00:02:21 --> 00:02:29

religion, how many are actually happily married. And that's that becomes lower, Allah grant all of us to be happy in our relationships. I mean,

00:02:31 --> 00:02:47

so as we talk about reasons for divorce, there's a beautiful AI in the Quran, Allah subhanaw taala reminds us as an overall advice. So no matter what we talk about, always remember this ayah. And the next time myself, yourself, my wife, your wife will get into an argument. Remember this,

00:02:48 --> 00:02:52

because you're going to argue about something you don't like. So losses will actually be my roof,

00:02:53 --> 00:03:08

and live with him in kindness, also, in famous beefy, be kind to be good to one another. But in Cardiff, to Muna, and if you not even dislike is if you hate something in them, you actually hate something about your wife or your husband,

00:03:09 --> 00:03:51

then perhaps Allah sees an Takahashi and you hate something we love, you and kathira is still a lot of good in that thing that you hate. There's a lot of benefits that we don't see. We might hide our job, you might hate something in our home. But when we we sometimes can't see behind that defect. And without the person, this woman who does husband, many problems, we're not we're not perfect. And we hate a few aspects of the character or the personality, but we forget about all the good things that they meet that we get all the things we take for granted. So I was founded in minds as always, when you make a decision in terms of a marriage and relationships, remember the thumb some things

00:03:51 --> 00:04:11

which you don't like it's normal, but there are many good things that we don't that we take for granted. So this is beautiful advice from Allah subhanaw taala live kindly with one another. But also remember you could be writing something and this goodness in that for you. So we're speaking about why marriages fail. And I'm recapping again very quickly. We said extramarital affairs why people

00:04:12 --> 00:04:53

one of the main reasons one of the big reasons why people fall you know marriages in is because one or two partners have had relationships with other people. We spoke in detail about why people do this. And we sit it's very, very easy to have an affair today. easier now in this time than ever before. The professor tells us a time will come he says to Sahaba a time will come when for you to maintain your Eman will be like holding that hot coal in your hand or it will be like the amount of 50 of you. So the Sahaba Sierra Sula, so seldom do you need 50 of those people 50 of us or 50 of Sahaba suppose you need the amount of 50 Sahaba. To survive in that days of fitna, we leading to

00:04:53 --> 00:05:00

that time we to maintain your relationship has never been more difficult. You are in constant contact.

00:05:00 --> 00:05:04

around you see things all around you. So easy, so simple, Allah protect us.

00:05:06 --> 00:05:47

We said one of the big reasons why people fail in marriages is financial pressure. Money is probably the biggest reason why we argue. And we just basically touched on we said that from the Sharia perspective, Sharia gives basic laws, that as a husband, you need to provide for your wife and your kids. What is basic what is required, the basic needs, what they used to in terms of housing, clothing. And just a side note, here, I'm in cases where divorce happens. Your maintenance to your children, from a Sharia perspective is forever. You as a father will always be responsible for the maintenance of your children, until they become independent until you your sons are able to work

00:05:47 --> 00:05:57

until your daughters are married, or they themselves are able to sustain themselves. But as a father, you can never divorce your kids remember that the most the woman Yes, and you can even divorce your kids. And I know,

00:05:58 --> 00:06:34

I just saw a message from the MVC that I think was today that judge Siraj, this I actually had a verdict in saying that this Muslim personal law needs to be moved on to protect women that get divorced, because unfortunately, people abuse the Sharia. And they will say, you know what, we've been married for 3040 years, you helped me set up my business, but further Sharia, I only have to refer you when you're married. So after you enter masama, you can go you can marry another man, but all the assets are mine. Mine is mine terms of the Sharia, that's abusing the Sharia, abusing the Sharia. So Allah is saying

00:06:35 --> 00:07:16

love feely with one another. Both of you are working both of you maybe have incomes, you should have an perhaps the best format. Number one be open and honest with your finances with with each other. Discuss it, I mean, have money which belongs to us. This, whatever amount is mine, whatever amount is yours. And then this this communal, together, we're going to build a house together, we're going to support our kids. Right? So you Suit yourself up to the money I showed myself. But then this of course is communal. And what in that pot if we separate? Well 5050 should go depending on what you agree on. As I said the Sharia allows you to discuss with each other as well, you can say all of

00:07:16 --> 00:07:30

what I have is us. us we can say I only give you an allowance 1000 Rand a month and that's yours and the rest is mine. If she agrees it's fine. husband wife can say you can take from my account, no problem, Sharia says is fine, but you need to be mature in this discussion.

00:07:32 --> 00:08:14

unfair distribution of domestic chores and tasks understand oming. Yes, Sharia does not say that I used to Sharia says the woman needs to support us when she needs to please her husband. And we expect our wives to wait on us care for our kids clean our houses. But we also want them to work and contribute to the bills. unpaid. So yes, if you are the man, like you know the 50s the woman was a stay at home wife Alhamdulillah. That was her concerns. She didn't worry about bowls. Don't talk to her about bowls. So then fine. You don't have to worry about nappies. But in today's day and age, when together, you're worrying about bowls, then you have to worry about nappies as well. And again,

00:08:14 --> 00:08:27

you need to look at what is fair, and what is equitable and Suhana law. I know personally, over a cup of tea, or over dishes. People have gotten divorced not because they pity but because partners are not being fee.

00:08:29 --> 00:08:31

Look at how much time each one is spending.

00:08:32 --> 00:08:41

In laws. We spoke about mother in law's duty laws we spoke about at length and my advice. Again, never involve your parents if you don't have to.

00:08:42 --> 00:08:44

When we have a problem, especially when we're younger.

00:08:45 --> 00:09:22

20 years old, 30 years old, we got married. Now we have a problem the first person people we went to go to now when we can resolve something with our husband, our wife is we call our mothers or fathers don't do that. Why? Parents are the worst people to resolve conflict when it comes to the children. You all it's your job as a parent to protect your son, your daughter, to love your son, your daughter, you always take the side and that's fine. As a parent you're not supposed to be objective. You must always be biased towards your kids. So you will find that husband said some things were bad. Why said some things that are bad. But the minute the inlaws find out, they very upset and

00:09:22 --> 00:10:00

while husband and wife can forgive one another. Parents will never forget. But you see that to my daughter. I will never forgive that. So don't run to your parents. Because usually they add more fuel to the fire deliberately. They can't help themselves. They get more emotional, get more emotional, and parents get let go. In fact, you find that Obama and I've looked at even the most conservative of Obama's, you know the websites What do they say? They would say it is better for families for husbands and wives not to live with their parents. Yes, live close enough so you can see too You can fulfill the duties of your parents, but separation

00:10:00 --> 00:10:11

is sometimes good degree of distance. A woman likes her own kingdom. As mama tells his son Yamaha tells his son, Hamble a great scholar, he says to his son, understand,

00:10:12 --> 00:10:27

every king has the rules. And every king, if you transgress the rules, you're in trouble. And as for the home, the woman is the king of the home. She's in charge. So you cannot have two women in one home. Whether It's Your mother, even you find mother and daughter,

00:10:28 --> 00:10:47

there's always going to be issue. So sometimes separation is good. And for any young couple advice, if you're able to live on your own, it is always better for your relationship to be separated slightly from your parents. Of course, if your parents are older and now becomes a need that you need to support them, and this is the summer then this is where you have suffered. For the sake of the deen you fulfill your obligation.

00:10:48 --> 00:11:28

Be angry, abusive, disrespectful, we'll talk inshallah about how to argue the language we should use from the Sharia from modern understanding. But most of the times we find an if we've been in arguments, we find our arguments are basically verbal boxing matches, it's not meant to solve a topic. Even it's vanilla, this we apply to everything to Allah when they discuss with one another. They don't want to it's not about the eat issue anymore. It's not about when is the right eat? It's about scoring points. It's about hurting someone. It's about sending out names. And what is the point in calling this man that XYZ calling your wife for XYZ? Now, does that solve the problem? Or

00:11:28 --> 00:11:55

does it fix the issue about our kids, but it's about emotional hurt you want to do and the minute we get into anger and being this angry and disrespectful language, you need to take a step back. We'll talk about divorce in Sharla next week, but if he if marriage is bringing out a very bad side of you, you know, I was never a person that swore one last my email and so to say what marriage brings us out of me regularly. There is something for you to think about.

00:11:57 --> 00:12:10

For this is more for our youngest panel, perhaps even for older brothers and sisters, we said, hobbies, friends, certain nice to haves in life should not be prioritized of your marriage.

00:12:11 --> 00:12:53

Certain priorities, your marriage becomes a priority. We said even the proximity to the Sahaba Don't linger in the masjid imaginable. We don't spend time too long making ibadah make as soon as at home, because your family is on you. When he saw some nanofibrous he saw that he had neglected his wife. How for the sake of Nevada, not because he's having fun, or watching soccer or working. He neglected his wife because he was only focused up at night making tagit forcing in the day, Vicar 24 seven. When the Prophet heard about this, he didn't say Mashallah, this is what I want from you. He said, this is not from my son, this is wrong. Because your wife has a hug, don't take your wife's heart

00:12:53 --> 00:12:59

and give it to anyone, even to Allah subhanho wa Taala, even to Allah subhanaw taala. So,

00:13:00 --> 00:13:18

part of when you get married, you make this commitment. And that's why it's not sometimes an easy thing. It's a big step, you are sacrificing certain things that you would like, certain things that you would like to have, you'd like to give more time, to certain hobbies to certain things to certain even goals in life. That becomes secondary now. Your marriage

00:13:20 --> 00:13:25

sexual problems and I think we didn't discuss this. This is where we're gonna go a little bit to detail to the intimacy issues.

00:13:26 --> 00:14:09

Sharia is vanilla. If I look at the Sharia, it's amazing to think that this was revealed 1400 years ago, some of the Hadees I say some of the if you had if you would expect it to find on the cover of like Cosmo, you know, you can't believe that this was something 1400 years ago, people 50 years ago, there was like, you know, intimacy was taboo, you shouldn't have desire. A woman, for example, should not even have any desire. If she desired something. It was like this something she's a loose woman. Sharia doesn't say that. Sharia says a man has desires and a woman has desires. And the reason why we get married one of the reasons why and in fact, the word nica comes from two threes,

00:14:10 --> 00:14:52

being you know, when you when when when one tree is used to to fertilize another tree is called NACA. It's this whole this contract that you're making makes intimacy hallel. So the one of the basic tenants of Nika is physical intimacy. We even know that if the husband gets married, he pays the dowry, he pays the Muscovy, everything is done, and they haven't consummated the marriage. The two of them weren't intimate together. This marriage is semi incomplete. Only when this consummation, are they now a proper married couple? Sharia saying, this is a major part of marriage, and it is a problem in that regard. There's a problem in that regard. There's a problem in your

00:14:52 --> 00:15:00

relationships and everyone here needs to it's a very awkward thing to discuss. Very difficult thing to discuss, but it's something

00:15:00 --> 00:15:34

Real. So intimacy, sexual fulfillment and gratification is the heart of both partners, both husband must be happy and wife must be happy. And you can actually divorce your wife or your husband. You can go to the MTC system and say, You know what, martial law, my husband who is a pious man who goes to the masjid five times a day, he provides me with all the maintenance, he speaks lovely to me, but he doesn't fulfill my needs in the bedroom. mgsu can, should say, on that basis, we are now this marriage, find a man that can fulfill your needs. Even Islam, even to me, I love this photo of

00:15:35 --> 00:15:49

someone else. And a lot of why they ask these questions. They asked him chef, what's more important for me to fulfill as a husband? Should I fulfill her needs in terms of nataka? Should I feed her if she's hungry? Or should I provide for her sexual needs? What's more important?

00:15:50 --> 00:16:04

She's starving today, should I feed her? Or should I provide her sexually? Imagine the mom sees more important for your husband provide for her sexual needs? Why? Because her father can feed her a brother can feeder but only you can take care of that need.

00:16:05 --> 00:16:10

SWAT amazing fatwa. So this is something our Dean is teaching.

00:16:11 --> 00:16:48

So the Sharia is very accommodating, and says, Do whatever you want. I'm going to give you a list of what you can what you what must be done, nothing to be done. You're old enough to be people you're married, what hamdulillah you find out what you like and enjoy and enjoy as much as you want. Play whatever games you want. Only two things the Haram they know * is haram and to have * during to have peanut peanut have penetrative sexual contact during a height you can still play around, you can still have foreplay during hate, but to be inside, that's Haram. During height, everything else is fine. And therefore this is something which will be understood. The Prophet also

00:16:48 --> 00:17:16

says I can see everyone is quite shy. I'm shy. They knew what the province is about this. There is no higher in the dean. Remember, this is an act of Nevada. It's an act of worship. It's an act of worship. You're not only as a Sahaba got shocked in Cydia, Yasuo Salah, when I'm with my wife, and I'm fulfilling my needs, I was rewarding me he's giving me adjure Yes, give you actually more agile in that the new Makita just went with the next one. All

00:17:17 --> 00:17:21

right. So that's the easy button for us to make. And therefore,

00:17:22 --> 00:17:57

the profits are seldom encouraged us to keep intimacy alive, it was part of his sooner as part of his sooner to keep intimacy alive. And I mean, I had it like this. Again, you cannot imagine that a religious leader would say something 1000 points to say, for example, our husbands when you fulfill your needs, do not withdraw yourself until your wife has a need to fulfill where he says oh men don't approach your wife like an animal approaches his its mate, but rather begin with kisses. And words begin.

00:17:58 --> 00:18:33

Because different people are stimulated in different ways. Or wives. The problem is if your husband has a need to fulfill and you're at the stove, or you're on the camel, then leave that and see to him. Finally speaking, Huck is speaking logic speaking things that are real in this day and age. But we are human beings, we have desires like eating like drinking, we have a need. And Allah has opened a way for us to fulfill this need in a heartfelt way. So do things in the halal way, and you'll be rewarded in that. And he and people should be married couples should be open and honest about their needs.

00:18:34 --> 00:19:11

As an Imam, in my personal capacity, when couples have not been intimate for an extended period of time, this is a very big warning sign that his problems in this marriage, major problems. And it's one of those things that you can't, if this is not fixed, one of those problems that is not going to equal and resolve. Obviously, if you use 70s, and 80s, don't feel worry, that's something else. Right. But if there's a need that's not being fulfilled, then I promise you, everything else can be perfect. But this is a one big area that needs to be fixed. And if you in your personal current marriage with something that you feel is a need, that being fulfilled, have the courage to have the

00:19:11 --> 00:19:14

dialogue with your wife, or your husband, husband as well

00:19:15 --> 00:19:21

have the courage to speak about it rather than letting it become something problematic. Also, something very important.

00:19:23 --> 00:19:27

intimacy should never be used as a weapon.

00:19:28 --> 00:20:00

So for example, this is Hadith and those of us who are following my series, the women that are the messengers of Allah sallallahu sallam, this is hard even just like women don't like this Hadith, where the Prophet says if a man calls her to his bed, and she refuses him because he's upset with him now angry, you didn't do something right. And she denies intimacy. Then the angels cursor said Yo, what kind of How nice is this? You know, firstly goes both ways. If wife goes husband to be the niece is known as punishment for you know, intimacy is also being cursed because he's doing the same thing. But what this is also showing

00:20:00 --> 00:20:41

That we need to take care of one another. It's a certain need. And I say this enough, aka, if your wife has now done something wrong. And you know, legitimately, she did something wrong, she was wrong. She was acting in a bad way. It doesn't give you the right to stop paying the ring today. Now if you want The Good Wife, so I'm not going to pay you to buy groceries now. Similarly, we are in the middle of a legal contract. Your rights and obligations don't stop when you happy. You're not happy with your bosses today, I'm not gonna work. No, you do it for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala. And at the same time, while it's your HUC very important husbands, perhaps even wives force

00:20:41 --> 00:20:42

is never permitted. You know, Sharia.

00:20:43 --> 00:21:00

Understand the Hadees, the Hadith that says if a woman is called and she rejects her husband, Sharia didn't say, Now take your heart from her. The Sharia says now and he's upset with you, then that's a sinful sin on her forces never pointed force is never permitted. And these things Viola itself, we need to need to discuss.

00:21:01 --> 00:21:04

So never withhold intimacy, because it leads to a much bigger problem.

00:21:06 --> 00:21:49

It leads to a much bigger problem. And you live in a time B, we need to be aware you need to be that if that is not being met at home, right next door, sitting next to you at work, going to work with you sitting on the bus, wherever it might be in the shop. They are other prospects out there. And that's very dangerous. Very dangerous, very dangerous, right? Other reasons. So insecurity. A lot of couples come and especially with a bad history, there was infidelity. Trust, if Trust has been broken once maybe from financial reasons or whatever. It's very difficult to move forward until one part until both partners trust each other. When each partner feels that he secrets, he knows she's

00:21:49 --> 00:21:56

doing stuff like that. I don't know. He's doing stuff that I don't know, I don't know, we ease. This is going to sour your marriage. And it's always best to play open chords.

00:21:58 --> 00:22:16

Because usually what's actually happening is not as bad as what's going on in your mind that Don Chitwan is constantly running rooms in your mind. So if you have an issue about trust, trust problem. It can come from multiple reasons. Very important to speak even to a professional, it will make your life your marriage so much better.

00:22:17 --> 00:22:42

Moving on external stress, life is going to be tough. And work is going to be tough. School with the kids is going to be tough. You might have a mother or father was ill was passed away. Allah grant Schaeffer, those who are ill, and those who are in the corporate memorandum, mercy and has walked out Zuma, but your partner's gonna go through a difficult period in their life. Your job as a husband, as a wife is to be there as a support to be this.

00:22:43 --> 00:22:46

Sometimes, we even need to be the punching bag.

00:22:47 --> 00:23:26

We need to be the punching bag. We need to take because husband is frustrated why this frustrated not because of you. But there's no one else that I can vent to. So we take it out. It's not right. But understand that that stress tends to sour a marriage and the one who is under listless. Try to bring it down. You know, I love this quote again. Mm hmm. He gave a 10 advices to his son when he got married. One One, we spoke with the king. The other advice he said, Listen, my son, you're marrying your wife now. Cute, lovely, perfect. He's perfect in your eyes right now. But after you get married, maybe in a few weeks time, you will see a side of her, she will go through a monthly

00:23:26 --> 00:24:05

maintenance. She was you'll see stuff from her that you don't like, you'll become upset with this. I didn't sign up for this. Right? And she won't be able to fulfill her rights to you as a husband because she's in a menses. And when you get upset, you're gonna be frustrated and she's going to argue and nag and whatever. Remember that at that moment in time, Allah is giving up his right of salah and fasting on her. A lot of the load of the university to her You don't have to force you don't have to mix Allah. So you as a husband, let go your rights. When through periods of difficulty sickness, stress, financial burden, do it and be the biggest speeder beta spouse in that moment.

00:24:06 --> 00:24:20

Lastly, and we see this perhaps the most, the biggest reason why marriages fail is that we are unable to communicate properly. We don't have proper conversations with our spouses, we will always have differences. And it's how the successful couples,

00:24:21 --> 00:24:31

they're able to get through these things. Having dialogue and discussions. Most marriages don't end because of one catastrophe. It's usually years of both

00:24:33 --> 00:24:44

unhappiness, years of miscommunication. It's like a death by 1000 cuts, that that marriage hasn't been maintained for years. And then it it breaks. And so Hannah was just something to think about.

00:24:46 --> 00:24:50

You and your 20s are choosing a partner that you want to live with forever.

00:24:52 --> 00:25:00

Right? That's the idea. No one else. All our needs. All our happiness is with this one partner. If at 20 you're supposed to choose a call and they

00:25:00 --> 00:25:03

Say choose a car now, but this car is going to be with you for the next 50 years.

00:25:04 --> 00:25:45

What car do I choose what's going to meet all my needs? If I choose? Now most of us, the young men you choose or, you know, Ferrari, a sports car, five years later, I get married, there's no space anymore for babies. You know, what do I choose? Do we really think that Subhanallah this, this person will or this is the person I chose, I mean, I wasn't the same person. 20 years when my 20s when I got married, is this person's soul gonna be my partner, when I'm in my 50s we're gonna grow as people. And the only way for a marriage to sustain is to grow together. And that's why most marriages, there are always issues to complain about. Right? There's always going to be something a

00:25:45 --> 00:26:22

complaint. But in reality, most couples that have come to me for divorce, it's not because of the words that they've said, ultimately, we've grown apart, we don't make each other happy anymore. Because what I want is not the same things I wanted, when I was when we got married. And she's different. We've grown apart so much and only now when we've totally apart, do we realize this is a problem. And we can't come back from that. The only way to bridge this is to make sure you're growing together. And you're moving in the right direction is very difficult. One divorce lawyer and a Muslim divorce lawyer very an expert is an expert in divorce. He says if you come see me, it's too

00:26:22 --> 00:27:03

late already. He says your marriage is like your call. If you don't maintain it, it's gonna break off for a while. And I know that because my car just got stuck on Wednesday, right? So if you don't maintain it, your marriage at some point after four or five years, 10 years, it's gonna be a problem. And constant maintenance is vital. This is why the prophets of Salaam was so successful in his marriages, so supremely successful, he didn't have financial wealth, couldn't buy roses and gifts. his wives really struggled financially. He didn't even have the time yet he was shared by nine other women who shared but the little time that he had he made such quality time, and the way

00:27:03 --> 00:27:39

he made them feel now, no matter how great you are, as as but you can't beat this when the President passed away, these nine women, and you'll get this if you follow my series, women around the ministers alum, they would come together maybe annually, and they would measure the hands because the prophets have said, When offside pass away, the one of you has the biggest or longest hands she will meet me she returned to me first. So they would measure whose hands are the biggest so I can die and be with him. That's fine Allah Hawaii, he was able to make use of what little time you shared between the Ouma fighting battles. Giving Sherry as you know, Gabriel coming and nine other

00:27:39 --> 00:27:58

women, he was able to do this job so successfully, that they loved him completely. It's because of how he communicated. We look at the Hadith about all it was his his way of speaking, his way of interacting, and this kept his marriages always in a good state.

00:27:59 --> 00:28:38

So how do we resolve conflict, we're gonna fight you're gonna fight I'm gonna fight. You can't avoid it. How should we talk and really, this is a framework for conflict in your business, conflict at work conflict with Allah, if we talk like this with each other. It's guidelines from the Sharia these guidelines from from psychology, you'd find that we resolve our problems better. So just some tips to think about. Number one, understand that it is part of life You can't avoid conflict can learn from it. You can't avoid disagreement, you can't avoid so even when we talk about the big issues like Shiism, Sufism, Salafism, we can't avoid these issues anymore. We can't avoid the fight.

00:28:38 --> 00:28:48

We can have to get involved, but do so maturely. You will always be on a different page with your spouse. So how do you resolve these conflicts?

00:28:49 --> 00:29:26

Always keep in mind when people fight and they come to the mom especially the mom is very free. She will give up he did this but she did that he said this like a like a scorecard like you know tennis serve 30 love footy love, you know, that's how, how it goes. At the end of the day we can say to you, yes, husband, you can win. I can say you're the winner. But you've destroyed your marriage. Wife, you can win. But you've destroyed the marriage you have someone who hates you is that you can win the battle but lose your marriage. You need to always ask this. So in you I know it's difficult in the heat of an argument. But just listen to this and ask yourself, Is it more important for me to

00:29:26 --> 00:29:29

win the argument or to win over the heart of my spouse?

00:29:30 --> 00:29:59

What's more important in this situation? Beautiful example is like that of Navy SEAL a man when the two women are fighting over the sun. Each one says this is my child. We apply this to our with Amaya. Each one wants to say my father was correct. Each committee says this is the right way. We can either divide the child in half, we can divide the masjid in half. We can divide the community enough we can divide the marriage in half. So each one gets half. You realize no one wins in that situation. No one can do anything with off a child. No one can do anything with half a marriage half

00:30:00 --> 00:30:08

At some point we need to realize that to lose is actually to win, to lose the argument actually means we're going to move forward.

00:30:09 --> 00:30:51

And today you give in tomorrow, you're going to win. Allah says that, and you know, from life, you have to make your partner love you even more. For us. That comes as Imams, it's really shocking people come to you, and they have problems. Yet the first time we speak about those problems is with the Imam, why force, I never knew you felt this way, as well. So I never knew you thought of this. We have so much unspoken things between husbands and wives, because we don't have the courage to talk. If something is bothering you. Don't be afraid to have a difficult conversation. You can speak about these difficult things respectfully, without it becoming world war three. And sometimes the

00:30:51 --> 00:31:30

best way is to choose a quick time, don't you know usually what we do so something's on my mind, I didn't like this. Now I'm going to phone, my wife or my husband, while they're in a busy boardroom meeting. We need to talk. Right and automatically we defensive, choose a time. And I think that's why, you know, I always say to my counselor even say to my wife, we need to talk about issues the same way the magazine discusses, we need to have a meeting, we scheduled a meeting a few weeks out, we have an agenda. We have minutes of the last meeting matters arising. Any apologies. Once we discuss things like this, we take out that emotion we take out that that that heat from the argument

00:31:31 --> 00:31:40

right now that it solves the eternal mercy committee meetings, as well. Right? But it's better than us having a chapter in the budget, right?

00:31:42 --> 00:32:09

If you're in an argument with your boss, your employees, your parents, your wife, think very carefully why you upset? What do you want to say? Before you Say it, say to yourself, I'm upset because of XYZ? And why am I upset Am I feel to be upset is justified. And if I am listen to arguments sometimes listed point for point and maybe an email is good. Maybe writing a letter sending an email. And it's good to say this is how I feel.

00:32:11 --> 00:32:51

This is how I feel it's talk about it rather than on the day fighting and arguing about things and then we become very defensive. Don't ever say things to hurt someone. Even if you disagree even and I say this to our husbands or wives or kids or grandma just even though you disagree that he's a Shia, but he's a he's a whatever. Don't throw name calling, name calling develops and rasulillah salam look into the Sharia. Did he ever call Abuja *, he moves around derogatory names. These are the words of people get insults and name calling neighborhood. When you do it with your wife and husband. It's never gonna solve your problem.

00:32:53 --> 00:33:10

inshallah we've got maybe another few points, but time is against us. We'll talk next week about how we should all do step by step, go through these points. We'll talk about divorce, when is the right to get divorced? Sharia has allowed us to get divorced. So is that door? Is that button? Self Destruct button.

00:33:11 --> 00:33:20

When you push that button, how do you push it? What's the right way to do it? We'll talk about that inshallah. Next week, in the weeks to come. I mean, just a quite a few announcements to be made.

00:33:21 --> 00:33:22

First thing,

00:33:23 --> 00:33:28

very busy month, September, we're having a very blessed September we having a number of events happening.

00:33:29 --> 00:34:07

Firstly, on the 18th of September, rather the 15th of September. So that is Saturday, the 15th of September. And in fact, the day before that Friday, so it's in two weeks time should he actually recording. So one of the most prolific English speaking scholars in the world will be visiting South Africa. And he'll be giving a course on that Saturday, in the morning at cticc and surah. Yusuf. And in the evening, a very interesting one. I've only got this one under the deep confusion, misconception and division issues that we face in a Western society is the Sharia relevant is hijabs irrelevant. You know, modern Western is the things that we as Westerners face, living without deemed

00:34:07 --> 00:34:46

as a minority. So you'll be discussing these issues. That's on the Saturday. Then on Sunday, the day after Al Hamdulillah. We'll be having an animal March the new year, we invite all our children from the area and we take a tour around the blue cup, and we're going to commemorate and celebrate all the pioneers and the legacy that came Islam in our community has come from Malaysia, Indonesia, Pakistan, India, Bangladesh, Turkey, we're going to celebrate our rich heritage. during Ramadan, we invite your kids a wonderful experience for families and kids. Then on the 24th of September the following week, we're going to have this excellent course perhaps our culture's most

00:34:47 --> 00:35:00

exciting Course Home sweet home, which we'll discuss making a happy home, how to choose a spouse how to fight with your spouse, how to live with your spouse, how to be a good parent, Home Sweet Home is going to happen on the 24th of September. It's a Monday It must be a problem.

00:35:00 --> 00:35:00


00:35:02 --> 00:35:04

Islamic auditorium. And mean of course,

00:35:05 --> 00:35:40

you can join us on so these things you can check the details online and this posters at the back. We have our free course women around the messenger, if you'd like to receive so we spoke about hijab we speaking about intimacy we speak about the rise of the process soul asylum. If you'd like to learn more, you can join our WhatsApp line you can speak to me or you can get the details of the back. We've been around the messenger. Another announcement that's not on here at two o'clock this afternoon in Longstreet is a is a monthly Tao outreach program close to the dopes emoji Long, long and dope, where they just speak to people about Islam on the road. So if any of you are on the

00:35:40 --> 00:36:03

street, or you'd like to just go and support and congratulate the brothers for doing it and you'd like to be part part of it, they've invited all of us to attend just do it just read our to do share our love reading. So please, we support them algorithm success in that initiative. Lastly, any comments or concerns with Mohammed you can you can join our WhatsApp line or wait for triple to 1308 there's actually a cinematic Library Catalog

Share Page

Related Episodes