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The Etiquette of Disagreement – Episode 10

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Muhammad West

Channel: Muhammad West

Series:

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Allah rajim Bismillah R Rahman Rahim al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa salatu salam Allah should have been more serene Sayidina Muhammad Ali he was mine. I will have brothers and sisters in Islam salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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All Praise be to Allah Subhana Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah Allah, we have a witness that man has the right to be worshipped except Allah subhanho wa Taala we send our love our greetings and salutations to beloved Nabi Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam to his pious and pure family, to his companions and all those who follow him soon until the end of time, we ask Allah Subhana Allah to bless us in this world of Juma to forgive us for all the sins that we have done since last week, we ask Allah Subhana Allah to Allah to bless us in the week to come. May Allah grant all of us success in our life in this dunya and the best in the life of the after, was planted, have mercy on those going through

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hardship in this dunya. And those who have passed away, I mean, well, hamdulillah Al Hamdulillah, we are on pot team of our CDs, the etiquette of disagreement. So we've been discussing this for long at length now. And we're talking last week about the disagreements that we have between husbands and wives. And we list a few of the main main reasons, main issues that we fight about. And in reality, all of us without any exception, no matter how pious you are, no matter what the earlier that you are, even if you're married to a volley from the earlier the women who line they will be conflict. It might be small, it might be big. And we said for most marriages, it's not one, you know, silver

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bullet to one fatal thing that the story is that yes, it happens, infidelity or something major. But most of the time, it's 10 1520 years, or even shorter than that now, two, three years of disagreement, unable inability for couples to resolve the problems until it collapses. So people that come to the Imam, and they will say, I have a problem my marriage, it's not really one major thing. You know, he did this to me, she did that while it's not over, but rather it's his mother

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spending habits. He's untidy, she's this, he's that small things. But I've come to a place where we can't live with each other anymore. And this is really what not only from a Muslim perspective, even in non Muslim communities, divorce lawyers, they will say, this is the issue. That really is the main reason why marriages fail, we cannot resolve our conflict. Because there's gonna be conflict, there's gonna be disagreements, how do we get past those bumps in the road, and we sit in a broader perception, a broader perspective in the series is not we were speaking about resolving conflicts with your parents, with your mother in law with your siblings, we hope to get to the point where we

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as a community, as an all American sit together and resolve the conflict, because you're always going to have different groups you're going to have to fees and shears and wahabis. And who is an atheist and Ahmadis, non Muslims, how do we move forward as a community, we can't simply say everyone disagrees with me, well, we cancel all of them, we eliminate all of them. And then we can all think like the same, never gonna happen. So as human beings, we need to learn how to resolve our conflicts maturely. And so within a marriage context, and maybe you need to think so I want all of you, I myself, think about something which you're currently arguing, or some disagreement that you

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have with your spouse, and how we can apply these tips, these simple remedies, and it will either resolve the conflict altogether, or it will allow us to manage those conflicts better. So some tips we spoke about the reasons why marriages fail, and that's an endless list of why people get divorced for very simple things, very big things. But this is how you go about resolving a conflict.

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We sit and really, some some things will add as I go along. Number one for us as Muslims, number one, whether we arguing with our spouse, whether we argue with our customer, whether we are arguing with a fellow scholar, the committee whatever it might be, always what is the beginning reference for a Muslim in Albania? Why am I doing this? Why am I having this argument? Is it for the benefit of myself? Is it for the benefit of the deen? Is this something good in it? Is it simply an emotional thing? The minute we before you engage in arguments,

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you need to ask yourself, why am I doing it? What's the NEA? What's the reason behind it? Because we don't engage. You mentioned Subhana Allah just think about this. When you engage in an act of ibadah which is good. When was the only reason to make Salah just making Salah is enough. You don't need a reason to give charity but before you do a good deed the Nia must be correct something which is good. Now court arguing is not a good thing. So the nice thing there you need to check your near even more. So sometimes, and I say this maybe for our young scholars, we want to tell Buddha so and so about the mistakes he's making in the Sharia. Maybe you know you made a mistake in Salah. We just

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got a incorrect opinion. Are you doing this to genuinely educate this man because you love him and concern about him? Are you doing

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For your own purpose to be above and superior, to speak down to somebody else something is to check, the words you use is the same wherever the Nia was wrong, and the result is going to be wrong. So check ourselves before we enter into any argument or confrontation with our wives. Why are we doing it? And number two, before we, you know, we enter into any argument, keep in mind,

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ultimately, for you as a married couple, for me, as a husband and my wife, you know, the the end game, how do you win, what's the success is that your marriage must stay together, happily, right, you need to live together happily. And there's a way you can win the argument, but lose the marriage.

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You can be right, and you say, you know, Brother, you are 100%, right? Wife is wrong. But the way you've done this now is you've destroyed your marriage. So you win, you've won the battle, but lost the war. Sometimes you can lose the battle, but we know you can win the marriage. And that's why now keep this in mind, not only in marriages, apply this to your music committee, to groups having difference of opinion on certain massala we can say, look, we can either have one side that wins and makes the half the JAMA unhappy, they didn't really succeed, or we can come to some agreement that, you know, keeps us together. At the end of the day winning should not be more important than keeping

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us together. This we know for a marriage for a family and the same for a community.

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So we you should always remember this, we should also attach to that is to prioritize our arguments, prioritize issues, now you're going to have an old shopping list of things that you don't like about your wife. And she would have a whole shopping list of things that's wrong with us is when you will have a whole shopping list as an MMO shopping list of problems in the community. Right. So we look at, you know, as the old ama, the MDC, we've got millions of problems in our community, you can't tackle all of them at the same time. You can't, when you give Tao, for example, you can't tell Gemma, everything that's wrong with him in Joomla, one time and lots of you people don't make sure

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that you people don't do this correctly. You people don't give charity you're not right, eventually, you're gonna destroy the person. This applies to your marriage, it applies to any time, people, you know, criticism when you criticize somebody, you only can give so much criticism before you destroy that relationship. And therefore, you know, think about it. Every time you criticize somebody you enter into an argument, it's like a bullet, your gun only has x amount of bullets after that class can go further. So prioritize the issues in your marriage. Okay, I don't like the way she cooks. But also at the same time, I don't like the way she interacts with someone outside of my marriage. Now,

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what is the priority? Yeah. And usually what happens is, we can argue we can start an argument about which way to go to the mall. And within five minutes of a small disagreement, we are talking about your mother and the money and the kids, everything is thrown in because we had one small disagreement. Right? We need to be prioritized prioritize, what are the issues and attack them one by one, resolve them one by one. And it's something that we as an oma, we don't seem to have seen in marriages? Yes. But even when look at the broader perspective, you find that we don't discuss the big issues and focus on the big issues. But we spend hours and hours and expend so much energy on

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when to keep eating. We fight on this issue. Is this really the priority? That when people keep eating one day and wake up the next day, he's really gonna destroy the room, I know. But the issues that are destroying the oma that we're not arguing about Lee, we can put our energy there we can get hot and read and fight. But that's the problem. We don't prioritize. And this is a problem that we have in our marriages, you know, families in our communities. So be very, very careful in how you argue. At the same time, it's not healthy to ignore conversations. So marriages, many, many I said this last week, many times couples have unspoken issues, something that's eating away the husband

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eating away at the wife, but because they're unable to talk to one another.

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Years go by that builds resentment that builds distance, eventually that distance is too far. We don't like each other anymore. We don't love one another. So be brave enough. And this is why many, many marriages fail in the first few years. Because you just came from quoting is not permissible and when quoting incorrectly is haram, but usually even those who quotes in the western way, and they spend many months or years booking by the girl, they never spoke real issues. It was all about love and romance and discuss the real issues. They got married it was all fun and games, honeymoon period. Now real decisions come has to be made money decisions, family decisions. You know, we begin

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to love these decisions. These questions come up and now you realize you

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have to confront, you have to not talk. And if you haven't, if you don't have the courage to do that, we spoke about intimacy last week, if you have some desire, some fantasy that is not being fulfilled the one person on this dunya that can fulfill that fantasy your wife, your husband, you must be brave enough to speak it to mentioned, a lot of times, sometimes worse than a marriage that doesn't exist that is constantly in argumentation is a marriage. We both parties don't talk, there's always this elephant in the room. I don't mean your mother in law is always the settlement elephant in the room that is not being spoken about. And that's the issue. Be brave enough to discuss it.

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And like we said last week, most of the times we we we engage in a confrontation argumentation around time around place in the shopping mall, you know, so husband is on his mind, you know, bulls are too high, you know, so things are, you know, the money is not what should be now, he never engaged his wife. And now she goes, she's unaware of this problem. They go for shopping on Saturday, Saturday, and she's just filling the trolley, and slowly that blood pressure is building. Eventually she takes that lunch chocolate instead of the Cadbury chocolate, and they he explodes

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in the shopping mall, the wrong time, wrong place. Be very, very, you know, when we, when we want to discuss things that I see I made a joke last week I said we understand this when it comes to the masjid committee. We understand this when it's in our workplace. And when we can give some negative feedback, it's never a nice thing. We schedule some time we prepay. We have the box of tissues, the everything is you know, because we're going to have a nice conversation with our spouses we should do the same. Understand when is the right time to pick up this issue. You have to talk about it. Also how when, you know, not publicly, you can never ever, ever, we never give bad feedback to

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somebody publicly. This isn't our Sharia. You'd find Subhana Allah you look at the sooner because Allah very seldomly did he criticized somebody publicly. He was criticized some if something was done publicly, then Okay, he spoke out against it publicly. But how many people came to your questions or mistakes, in your own find Hadith about that, but you find endless Hadith about him, praising someone publicly. Always praise you, your partner, your spouse, your employees, your boss, your customer, whatever, publicly, when it's negative feedback, do it privately, schedule the time. And I said, think carefully in how you want to say it. Most of our arguments, especially with a

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spouse is purely emotional. It's simply about frustration that I get out, that doesn't solve a problem. That does not solve the problem. So if you're the one that's initiating the argument, or not the argument, the negative feedback, let's call it you don't want to talk about you know what? I'm not happy with what we the kids off at school. And I, the wife, for example has been I don't feel you're giving enough time. Right? That's my problem. So now, be very clear how you will prepare yourself before you give this feedback. Instead of saying, you know what I show? You're a bad mother. You start off like that, Alice, no matter what follows after that, is this going to be

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abuse? Rather you begin select the time a place that's appropriate. Begin with the positives, speak the good and say, you know, you do all these things for the family. This is all the good things you do. As for the concern I have. This is the problem. And I feel Ahmed needs more time, this time with the TV wherever you at home, how can we work on it together? Now you have a productive discussion, rather than an emotional argument, emotional punching match. And before you need to sometimes write this down. Sometimes we have all these ideas in our head and the minute you need to talk harassed, and you don't know what to say, seen that there's any mom as well. person on the phone, we need time

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with you shift schedule, schedule schedule, when can you Okay, finally, we scheduled a meeting. While I've had meetings, 11 o'clock, it was office in the evening with people write something so urgent, you get the what's the problem? She had an hour to say it I don't know what to say. Like, well, we are now What now? I don't know what to say. It's just the emotion is too much now.

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And it's a good idea never ever to have these kind of discussions when it's heightened emotions in this applies to this panel, or even for alama. Sometimes we see the jemar making mistakes, you know, the guy is making something wrong saying something wrong. Don't tell that man about the mistakes and sins he's doing at the genomes of his father. Now you want to say Buddha, this is Buddha and that no, yes, you're right. It is bizarre, maybe it is wrong, but at the genesis of the right time, you should have taught him that a year ago, or discuss this issue afterwards. You know, once the promises of the battle over I believe a lady lost a few of her songs and she's certainly crying. So

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the Prophet comes to console her. And she said basically to him, Well, what are you and what do you know like to the prophets of Salaam is the act of Kufa Sahaba a word that corrupts it the

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The lever, she's emotional. Now, she doesn't understand what she's saying. She doesn't mean these things she's saying, right. And that's why heightened emotions, very times of heightened emotions, but a good time. And if you see it's getting heated, perhaps a good time to sell it to a journalist, just take a break, just take a breather. Sometimes it even means if the met in a marriage, especially sometimes when this way, it's constantly this emotion just being in each other's presence, it's what it's, you know, hot in separation, temporary separation might be a good thing, you know, it's like a boxing match, you need a timeout, each one just needs to recover. And I just

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had a discussion with, you know, people, and I, I went through a very hectic period at work, I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm not at home. So obviously, the wife is frustrated, that is not the ideal time for both of us to start talking about big, big issues. You know, what's the kid's gonna do next year, not the ideal time, because we both got in a good frame of mind. You have to be in a good space positively, to receive criticism. Now, when you've been working long hours, you don't have any more energy to hear about, you're not picking up your clothes, you don't have any further energy to hear about, well, you're not v when we need you. That's not the right time, wait till afterwards and

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then discuss.

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So never speak in anger, the prophecy teaches us say something which is positive, remain silent something which is good. And many times you find the Rasulullah sallam, he had to give negative feedback. To do it, this job is an A B, and he would sometimes they will Sahaba would say the harshest thing he would say was to remain silent, they would see his disapproval simply by keeping quiet and looking away. He wouldn't look at you. Now you knew, okay, I made a mistake. But that was why he was so shy to make something to break someone's heart by giving them negative feedback. That's his job, some of us will get a kick out of belittling people, or they might get a kick

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sometimes out of making you feel inferior. That's wrong. That's wrong sending different agenda. So wrong. It's not the way the person did it.

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So understand, and this is number seven. We do this all naturally, a disagreement comes from an expectation gap. What do I mean by this? You see the world one way she sees the world the other way? Right? I grew up in a household where a woman did XYZ. Well, I grew up in a household where my dad did those things. I grew up in a household where we spend money like this I grew up in a household, each one has their own perceptions, their own way, there is no right and wrong. There is no right way or wrong way many times each one has genuine points. And therefore you need to you as a husband or as a wife was an Imam, whatever it is when you have a disagreement with someone try to understand

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only try to understand what why do these people keep eat with maca doesn't make sense to me try to understand for your own purpose. Let me look at the the arguments. Why do these people? I mean, Subhanallah, even though I'm very clear on where I stand on my positions, you know, but it's one of the major sins if not confer to curse the Sahaba. But understand why do these people in South Africa, let's understand the issue before we get emotional needs an emotional argument and we should be emotional. But understand what is the crux of the matter? Once you understand it, I'm not saying change your position. You can say okay, now I understand the debate. Now I have an informed

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position. Now I can say I still disagree with you. I still think you're wrong. because of these reasons. It's not just emotional. It's not just emotional. Right? And I think this is a debate when we when we debate Dean issues when we debate your marriages, it's more about emotionally attacking, rather than logically looking at the points. So when you in your marriage, listen, not for the sake of finding a counter every point she makes up but I can counter she says you never did. Well, I haven't I haven't. I have a I have a screenshot when I was home at five o'clock two weeks ago. Right? So you don't know. Try to listen. Okay? What is the argument? What's his argument and

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understand to see things the side and voila, he when you do this, in most issues that I found from a religious and a personal side, you will some if you genuinely listen to understand, you will sympathize more with that person. You won't change your view many times you don't change you But you say you know what? They have a point. She's got a point D No, those monkeys who keep eating maca. They've got a point. I don't agree with them. I still think they are right. But I agree with it's got some some points. And that's the way we go. Hana fees and especially mother issues, which is a non issue. When you understand why the Shafi say this, why the Hanafi say that, understand the

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evidence, you will respect it. So it's not about this is a golden rule. It's not about resolving your conflict means I need to change my view to be with him. It's about respecting the view by still keeping your opinion or respecting that person. We want to step further. We don't respect the view. And because we don't respect your view on it, we don't respect you as a person as well. That's bad.

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You don't judge the person on this issue. That's what we've done. Because you because you have you eat MJC certified food and not this thing. I disagree with you on this issue. Okay, but because of that, I question your Eman. I question you as a person as a Muslim. And then that's how it goes. Because you keep Moeller on a certain night. And I think this is a beta. So I disagree on this issue. But now you will be that T non, you know, you don't love the sooner and it goes on and on and on. That is our problem. That is our problem in how we address these issues.

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So once you have accepted that that person has valid genuine points, you will genuinely understand and respect that person. Now in marriage, and perhaps even in where we've gone with our scholarly debates, we've gone to understand and this is very important marriage, these two languages, and it's a very good course coming up.

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Next week, sheffey acid quad is coming next week, the week after that is a course called Home sweet home, and is a language between husband and wives. For those who have just recently got married, you're learning now that is to is the language of the sub context, you come in at home. And you say, How are you sweetie? Fine, I'm fine. You know, that doesn't mean she's okay. There is a difference. All the older management are laughing. The non married men look confused, find means find what's wrong with it. And these are sub context. Yeah. And many times, you need to also as a man, and particularly a man because we talk in generalities. And in Islam in general, that look, men are less

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emotional than males than females. Usually it could be the exception, so that so most of the time your wife will speak out the emotion of frustration is an emotional one. She doesn't want you to solve a problem. I found this the hard way. So wife has been frustrated because of something at work with some some person in her life. Now she goes into this person did this and did that to me that as soon as she made me didn't mean that she maybe you must understood her. She wasn't. Oh, now I become the bad guy. So you take her side, but my side. She didn't want to actually fix a problem. She just wants to share her frustrations. So an emotional argument, you come home late from work, wife is

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very upset. We were you I can't sleep the kids blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you can say, Well, I'm at work, I'm doing all these things. I'm here, you can get for us that we could say you know what, I miss you too. Now that I'm home, I'm happy house argument done. So be very, very careful. When you debate an emotional argument, logic will never work.

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You can list any type of spreadsheet of pros and cons why this is right. But when it comes from an emotional base, it's not going to work, you need to win that argument on emotional base. So she says I don't feel accepted or loved by your mother. You can let the whole spreadsheet on how great of a valley My mom is not gonna work. But rather you can try and bridge that gap. And from an emotional perspective, you know, Mom said this thing that you you cooking was quite nice that day. Now it's opening up from an emotional standpoint, things are getting better. So in your in your marriage, if you have reoccurring problems, ask yourself is this really a problem that I need to fix logically,

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or I have to fix emotionally, and you respond to them differently.

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This is something which we learn in today's day and age, when you want to give negative feedback, right? It's just nicer way of approaching it. So instead of saying, the kids are being neglected to say, I feel that kids need more attention,

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both saying the same thing, but how you put it forward can make a big difference. And there's a professor who was a master at this. He was a master at using the right words, gets the same effect, but he knew which words cut deep and which words actually, you know, gets people so like the young boy that once he didn't Oh, no young man said Yasuda la make Xena halau for me, probably didn't say to be LA and it may quote for you from Surah Nisa, Allah subhanho wa Taala says, and this and the you know, the punishment of Zina is to being stoned to death. Is this what you want? And there's a place in Ghana for those who commit Zina? Or are they simply said, Would you like someone to commit

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Zina with your mom, with your sister with your daughter

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discussion over this is how the problem resolved exactly the same, the exact same thing. He just understood that in this context, this is how the words are used. Explain how you feel rather than blaming the person. Now sometimes, that person may be correct. But you feel that person may, you know, for example, right has been is not picking up he's not doing enough at home domestically, right. I'm doing for the wife to say you are a untidy, disgusting person

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would hurt him and he would respond to negative way but if he's if she said, You know, I feel I feel you know, very tired, I feel exhausted because of this. Husbands, I don't want to make you feel that way. So when you have an issue with your spouse, with your boss or with your employee or with the environment across

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I would explain how this problem makes you feel. So chef, instead of telling chef You know what, you made a mistake the and I think the chef, I don't genuinely understand this thing. I felt uneasy about it, how difficult it can you please help me understand. We'll do this one very differently because the person's defenses gets up when you accuse. Now, no one can blame you for saying, I feel neglected. Or I feel alone. I feel frustrated. Don't blame me for I feel I feel that way. Right? But you can but the minute you attack someone say you do this, that person's going to defend themselves. So usually explain how you feel.

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In marriages, what we learn, discuss solutions. If you have reoccurring fights for years and years and years, it's the same thing. Then you need to make two decisions here. Firstly, you need to ask yourself, Is this genuinely a fight? Or is this just something that is always going to be the you know, we've always got this thing.

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This is the person who I have and you just live with it. It's like a it's like your allergies. You can't fix it, you just manage it. So if you have this reoccurring problem, then understand once you get to that realization, I'm never going to fix this problem. At least I can do. I'm going to manage it. Okay, so mom and wife are never going to be best buddies. Let me try and manage the problem. So if you have reoccurring issues like that, manage it. If it's a serious issue, and you cannot resolve it, and it just becomes an emotional Wolfie. Then you need to take the next step in may be seeking counseling and advice. When you say, look, we can't resolve this problem between us. We need someone

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external to help us and you have to be prepared to compromise.

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And there's nothing wrong with compromising. Even from a religious perspective, the prophets Allah sallallahu Sallam compromise in places that we would regard today as majors and majors and the TTF would they be as a classic example, the process of compromise for the sake of peace, that any Muslim who wants to become a martyr, you must let him go? He agreed. But any non Muslim who wants to become to become Muslim? You can't accept them. Now. That's definitely an unfair, unfair, unfair agreement. But he did. So for the bigger picture. prophets have understood the bigger picture. The Sahaba even said everyone besides saying Abu Bakar was upset about this decision even say Norma winked, and

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said, How can you do this era? Allah? How are we not gonna hack and they are on barstool and you basically agreed to this. No, Professor understood that this is the bigger picture in the end in the long run, if these are true believers, they won't become with that. They're not gonna leave the dean so we don't have anything to worry about. And eventually, Qureshi will not be able to control all the converts. So this isn't in the long run. So look longer term than this compromise on this issue, but winning the battle to three weeks down the line. Don't and I might as well sisters, don't bring up old arguments don't rehearse and the fight old things. Yes, you didn't you know what? You made

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the mistake now. But don't bring up the mistake you made five years ago, that has no issue on this. We've done we had that battle, it's over. Done. Don't bring up and many times you find sisters say I've moved on No, you haven't moved on. If you bring it up, you have not moved on. And this is a very beautiful I in the Quran. Allah says when you forgive someone has wronged you or done something wrong. Remember, you want Allah to forgive you. You want Allah to forgive, not forget, but to not to bring it up to be not even mentioned it on kiama then you need to be the same. You have made mistakes, you will make mistakes, you are making mistakes. You're not the perfect wife, not the

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perfect husband. The minute we start listing our false, all of us and none of us are going to be married, none of us are going to have a Masjid. None of us are going to be able to work together. It's about accepting this person. With all the faults and the mistakes and all the hurt they caused you and move on for tomorrow. Don't live in the past. And if you cannot move on from some mistakes, some things are very big. Something are very big, then you need help. If you constantly reassessing how you if you feel as bad today as you did 20 years ago, when his mom said that to you or when he did that you feel the same way now like you did 20 years ago, Miss might be a problem with you. You

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might not be able to be able to deal with your issues.

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Very important guys. Don't ever expose your faults publicly.

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Not even to your parents, especially not your parents. And today we find Facebook and Twitter whatever WhatsApp is a very good place where people a dirty laundry. You know when someone puts up the status the women have Johanna like this, you already know Is something wrong, Ahmed and sumaiya He is not he's not giving this hadith for the sake of teaching the Omaha teeth.

00:29:51--> 00:29:59

Right when you get that message from Oh, you should watch this by Alfa Mufti mink is not about being a good husband. It's not that she's educating you about the shadow.

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Here is to tell you about all the mistakes you've done. Right? So don't expose, Don't hang up your dirty laundry online and don't involve people that is unnecessary. Yes, you have to the share. The Quran says that when there is a conflict between husband and wife, then bring a third party in. So that's the next step. First step is you try to resolve things yourself, talk about it, discuss it, you try and fix it, you can come to solution he continues, continues. Now you can say, Look, guys, we can't have this argument all the time. Let's bring a third party in, let's bring HR in, let's bring the amount in, let's bring someone but it must be someone that you trust both parties, both

00:30:36--> 00:31:10

parties, I got a message from someone in the week that says shahana consult with you. But I don't want I don't want my husband to know I said they know they don't consult with me. Because whatever I say, Now, it's he's never going to accept it. And you need both of you on board, you speak to your husband first. Both of you need to be happy with the party that you accept, because that person must be known that he's objective third party. And that's why it's not a good idea to bring a family member because they're always biased. And they will share that with other people that just nsep and so perhaps the less people to bring in, because while you can move on from that argument, your mom

00:31:10--> 00:31:12

is never going to forgive her for what she did.

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Her father will never forgive you for the way you made her cry. Even though you made her happy a million times, but you made a cry that one time, you will always remember that. And as a parent, we are protective of our of our kids or parents or perhaps the worst was people to discuss. And usually in our beginning of our marriage, the first thing we do is we run to opions.

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Let me see it mentioning swear words and names. And if you get to a point where you're swaying, you're disrespectful.

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If marriage is making you a terrible person,

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you're using words you never used before. You're not a violent guy. When you need to be able to, you need to look at and we will and we were supposed to go divorcement inshallah, next week, we'll talk about divorce, when is the right time to get divorced. If marriage is making you a bad person, either is a problem with you. Or there's a problem with her or together is an issue. Yeah, and it's nothing wrong. Many places in the Quran many places in our history of Sahaba. Two very good people, when they together, it doesn't bring up the best, then it brings up bad. Now we see from the beginning, you need to get married. First Nia first thing is to please Allah. Yes. And if your

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marriage is causing you to displease Allah, in the way you speak in the way you treat this person, then you need to relook and evaluate either yourself either fix that, or perhaps this company, you keep the same way friends, maybe you're a good person, but when you with your friends, you're not a good person, you're a good person. But when you're at work, this bad sides to you negative, the work is so stressful, it brings up a horrible person in you. And that's what you need to look at changing things. So it's warning signs, when you are swinging at one another, let alone physical abuse. If it's getting to a physical issue, you need to stop it immediately. Right. So just to jump to 19,

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which links to this, sometimes, yes, we are frustrated. And we want to vent our frustrations to each other. Sometimes as a husband or a wife, your job is to be the punching bag. It's normal, I've had a bad day, you're the only person I can scream at because I can't scream at my boss's boss. So I scream at the wife, right? It's normal. Same way with your car, scream at your mother in law, I can't scream at your mother because she's so terrible to me. So I'm gonna scream at you. Sometimes we take it, we don't have to fix this problem. But you should not allow yourself to be the punching bag all the time.

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Because some people are constantly frustrated or paranoid. They constantly have an internal sadness. They can't deal with it. So they put it on you as the spouse. And if that's the case, and you have a view or that punching bag, you just put a stop to it and say, No, this is too much. Now. I will allow you to be frustrated for a few minutes or hour, whatever, for this week. But once things are done, if you can't come back and say, you know, sorry, I overreacted. You can't do that. And you constantly said, Oh, you know, miserable. It's not fair and you to be the punching bag. That person needs to fix themselves. And you are not doing that person any help, but allowing them to take it

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out on you. We say this emotionally but it makes more sense. We think physically Shiva husband, I've got an anger issue. When I get frustrated at work, I come home and I physically hit my wife will say never is that allowed. That's not allowed. And for a wife, you need to put a stop to it. It's all goes both ways. Wife by the process. She throws things at us when she doesn't mean it. But we say no, this is not allowed. We need to draw the line here. You need help you need help. Always the last point keep in mind the good qualities of the being all through that I love and remember that beautiful IO began last week with Allah says perhaps you hate something, Eugenia and I'll use the

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word hate. It's a strong word. Alice's perhaps you hate something in your sport and your wife or your husband. But there are many good qualities that come from that thing that you hate. So you hate this person with this thing about this person.

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before you make any decisions, be very clear that you know the positives, before you pull that trigger, on your marriage, on your family, on your budget committee, on another segment of the community on another group of people before you go out and attack that person, or those people, be sure the good that you are losing is worth it, that I have to break this bond now. It's worth it because the good that you're losing. So be very sure about the good qualities. And remember about the things that keep you together. Remember, we can focus so much on the negative the one thing we disagree about, we can focus so much on the Masada that we don't agree. But you forget about the

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sada that we stand together five times a day. The first thing that we do to get the same Salafi mad person does want to come from Poland is the guy that donates to the masjid. So you don't agree on that issue. Compare that to all the good that you are united on harass, they realize what's important in your marriage the same, Yes, okay. Sometimes we need to love this person is going to be perfect. She's always going to have this problem in her. But when you put it next, next on the same on the other side of the scale, all the goodness that come from this person, you realize, you know what, I can overlook that fault, because I'm not perfect. So Nick, in every argument confrontation,

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whether it's in your job, whether you when you're upset about your job, your boss, your employee, your customer, whatever it might be, look at the other side of the coin. This person wasn't here, what would I lose out? And inshallah the last advice is da, because the Prophet sees this beautiful door, he says about his wives. Yeah, I have been as far as I can be. In that which I can control. I can control my time and my money. But there's an element so don't hold me to account for that which I can't control meaning the matters of my heart. The heart Even though so seldom we as the hardest is the heart of a person is between the fingers of Allah in a manner which befits His Majesty

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between his fingers he changes the hearts as He wills today you in love tomorrow you in hate, whatever it might be, right? But it's how we make the ayah Allah Rama hablan Amina Gina kurata Allah make them the happiest most beloved people to us. Yeah, we've been a Kubina make our hearts be united as a as a people as a community. Yeah, love whatever it is the millions of reasons for us to be disunited. But there's so many things to keep us united. Let us see that and overlook our faults, Allah, may Allah guide all of us, bless us in our marriage. Next week, we'll talk about divorce, how to get divorced, when to give divorce, the positives of divorce, the negatives of divorce, and

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inshallah we'll move on from there. Just a few announcements quickly. It's quite a few quite a bit of announcements.

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First up, if you have any questions, concerns, comments you'd like to make you disagree with me on some things with [email protected] just use I statements. You disagree with me, I feel in your football, you said that. Right. And I mean, next week's show, he has it called the perhaps one of the most famous and most knowledgeable and prolific speakers in the English language of the Messiah is coming for the very first time to Cape Town. So we have to give him a warm Cape Town, welcome. We'll make sure he has his persistence before he leaves. So he's going to be at most liquids for tomorrow next week, then you'll have a free UCT lecture Friday evening. Just check the times Friday

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is a free UCT lecture. Then on Saturday in the morning, you will have a discussion on sort of usage. And in the evening. A very interesting discussion on is the Sharia compatible in the modern day in HMD confusion Muslims living in a in a Western society, how do we balance our Deen and our non you know the environment that we in. So that's next week. Then Sunday Alhamdulillah we have the mojarra March Muharram is the new year and our hamdulillah will have the new the new Islamic Iam Allah grant that the New Year be better than the last one. Allah grant the oma to go through better days than we've experienced throughout the world. I mean, so as a as a kicking off of the new year, we take

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our little kids here in the blue cup and we invited the orphans from the Muslim orphanages to join us. We take them around and let them be attached to our cultural heritage. Our Dean came to this place for them how much you want to bring your kids you can join us and if you want to donate some toys, some food some assistance, you can do so you know. We're gonna bring orphans but 80 bucks to bring an orphan you'd like to sponsor an orphan. You can you can speak to the talent of the Juma you can speak to me

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then next week the week after we have our our alto third course the 24th of September it's a Monday it's a public holiday well hamdulillah Home sweet home, how to make your home successful how to make your money from quoting to marriage to being husband and wife to parenting. So from from that point on throughout your marriage. This is the course for you very, very popular course globally, perhaps author's most popular course on sweet home very first time coming to Cape Town. So if you'd like to discuss you can speak afterwards. And then lastly, our series we're going to hit 14 this week women around the messenger saw some of the wives of the professor lamb good to see him as a husband What

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was he like as an obese as a husband? We spoke about is he was he really six years older last discussion. I'm sure I'm gonna have a lot of questions.

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That so if you want like to be part of it or wait for trouble 213 or eight you can join free of charge on our WhatsApp lines is Aquila height cinematic