Fiqh Of Love Episode #10 The Pursuit

Salam Alaikum salam. My name is John Fontaine and welcome back to the thick of love. Today I'm joined again with Dr. Sheikh, Dr. Mohamed Salah. So I have shared widely from Santa Monica to Lavaca to Hawaii, John Alhamdulillah, share the past few episodes we've been discussing, you know, what we should be looking for in a spouse, and how the community should help them. And today, I want to speak about the pursuit, or shall I say the hunt, you know, the, you know, subhanAllah, you know, the man or the woman, they're now looking, you know, they feel like they're at that stage of their life. Maybe they just finished college or university, you know, maybe they're just just started

working, whatever it may be, they feel like this is the time in their life, that I want to now start actively looking for a spouse. So what should we do? Where should we go?

Well, in a Muslim community, the best way to pursue your life mate, if you don't know anyone, among or within the circuit of your family, or work, or among your colleagues, is the method. The Islamic Center, we speak to the Imam, you speak to the elders, your mom start speaking to the other ladies, your dad will speak to his colleagues, the people who normally come to the masjid, it's perfectly okay to say mashallah, my son is graduating this year, and he just finished his law school or medical school is going to be a dentist is going to be whatever, and I think is a measurable age, we're looking for a good righteous bride for him. So by spreading the word, on the other hand, there

are many, many sisters who want to get married, but they do not find people to propose to them. So there will be definitely some sort of matching, somebody will pick up the offer, whether he or she. So the machine is really a very rich area to make such proposal to conferences, you know, it's not a conferences, because you will find the people who you like to have as your future mate, if I may say, especially in the West, this Islamic conferences, and the unofficial matrimonial business where you meet people, you happen to see people in the conference, you happen to put your name among those who are looking for a spouse, whether you're a male, and you're looking for a wife, or a girl and

you're looking for this is actually a very safe in my environment, because he would not share your information unnecessarily, but only with those whom they think that is a good suit. So they keep it to a limited scale. What do you think about the internet? Obviously, in the modern day context, a lot of people using the internet, social media, marriage websites, etc. What do you think about these?

If you're talking about a non Muslim matrimonial business, you know, you should avoid that completely, completely. Because their Criterion are completely different than what we're looking for. Whether you are a man or a woman, but there are some Muslim matrimonial websites. Oh, just need to browse them check out how do they go about introducing me to the other people, and how they introduce other people to the suitors. Okay, if it is something illegal and Islamic Alhamdulillah surely I'm not doing something wrong. You know, I'm not stealing. I'm not dating a girl. I just want to find a good suit. Especially nowadays, where the family relations in the family ties are not as

strong as in the past. The city life is completely different than life in the villages. Everybody in the village knows about everybody and their ages and who wants to get married and who got married who got divorced, but in the city life, it's very hard. So it's okay to pursue your life mate through Muslim matrimonial websites, if they are really almost trustworthy, and you can easily this, you know, detect that through checking out the website.

So it's better to

Start off in your local community. You know, if you're finding someone through a contact or through a friend, this is much more safer than maybe, you know, a marriage website where you don't you have no connection with that. That person or the family, but of course, you know, you first have number one to have the interest. Number two to know how to go about it. I mean, in some conferences, I have some students who I've seen a few times, and then they become volunteers. And then after so many times I've been visiting, I see them awfully in this country. So once they said she can you make dua for our brother to get married? Because he's been trying for the past five years and no luck. I

asked them, why not? He said, Well, I don't know every time I propose to go to whatever, you know, it doesn't work out. So in the conference, I said, I have known this person for the past several years. I've seen him. I know his commitment. And I think he's a good person, if any God would like to marry this person. So you got three proposals. And he got married eventually. Mashallah, they have bunch of all three.

Okay, Mashallah. No. So that was just, you know, take it a proxy role. That's the problem. Now, you're putting me in trouble.

Maybe you could do the same for me, you

know, what I'm saying is really the public speakers. If you know the person never make any recommendation, a person simply because he attended the conference? Yeah, you have to know because you've seen him once or twice, or because he's wearing a beard because she's wearing a niqab. It's totally concealed. I have no clue about this person. You know, sometimes the young ones today, especially in the West,

they will not even consider someone who their father or their mother has kind of put forward they kind of want to find their own spouse. What do you think about this? That's a huge drawback, and they don't know what they're missing. You know, how the Americans say, if you don't learn the easy way, then you would end up learning the hard way. So I see it this way. When, when a person trusts his parents, in a sense, they know that they love them. They will not dictate to them what to do as far as marriage and choosing the life Med Spa, at least they recommend. So they keep introducing. They say, Son, Masha, Allah, my friend has a daughter, why don't we go and see her Chicom? What is

wrong with that? But some kids? They say, No. Right away, they say no, the answer in the negative Hey, Dad, I'm not interested. Now, I don't want to get married now. And the girl will say the same thing. Why? What is the reason behind the refusal or even not considering the offer, or the recommendation, simply because it came from the parents, or from the family, we acknowledge the fact that there is a huge innovation gap. But what is wrong with even considering the offer? You don't have to pick it up, give it a try. Me the person, perhaps when you meet the person, you're like him. So perhaps he's a person of your dream. So when you meet in the future spouse, you know, how should

this take place? You know, can one go for a coffee meal? What a walk in the park?

In this program, we are addressing the proper way of the pursuit in the light of the Islamic Guidance. So maybe some of the audience would say this is like very strict or this is backward. What here we are sharing with each other. What would the Prophet sallallahu Sallam tell us if he was alive and among us? Is it okay? If I like your sister to say we're going out? Is it okay to take your sister out and die in somewhere or enjoy some coffee or walk in the park, me and her in order to get to know each other? All of that is not permissible before the actual marriage contract. But you're making a good point I want to get to know that person get to know that person in the presence

of a family member. So that there are certain things which are crucial to find out about in order to make up your mind to make your final decision. Things which you should ask about. Now seeing the person II will not make any difference between seeing the person at home in the presence of a family member or a man or outside this is as far as the physical appearance, okay. But you and I want to ask him questions. I want to find out about his

have hobbies, what he likes, and I'll find out whether he's open minded or his close minded. Ask him, he's coming to visit you at home. Okay, so your dad or your mom or whoever is sitting around and is giving you a chance to talk. But if you want to please Allah, if you want to begin your married life, in a proper way, the Almighty Allah says, What tool we use him and ever were behind. So the Almighty Allah says, Do not come to the houses from the windows from the back door, rather come to the houses from the front door, knock on the door, when you jump from the window, this is forbidden work to Yota mean, we had this verses of Surah Al Baqarah second chapter of the choir,

what is the meaning of come to the house from the front door, I want to marry your daughter, you're the guy who's in charge, you're the relay, it is not proper, to meet the girl to talk to her to go out. And then to decide everything, then go to the relay and make the proposal. Okay, it was recommended, we found that this girl is a good girl, or this guy is a good guy that really must be involved from the beginning, then there is something called engagement, which will give you plenty of time to decide and to get to know the person from very close, again, in the presence of Muharram or family member so that you make the final decision. So once you're meeting the hopeful future

spouse and you meet them with a maharam you know that maybe at their house or something

in the house or outside? Yeah, the condition is that you should not mean the God alone. You should not be when you say alone, what do you mean? So for instance, let's say we've agreed with a man to meet you know,

you're the man, you know, the woman has sat here, and the matter arm is like here, you know, located Listen, listening, you know, how is it okay for the maharam just to be? I want to ask if you're interested in Marina garden, what kind of questions would you like to ask her?

about her future?

A bit about herself and her. Okay, like what? Be very specific

about children family, where you want to live. So you're going to ask her, do you know how to cook? Perhaps you're going to ask that. Okay. Okay. Have you finished your education?

Are you planning to pursue a higher education postgraduate right, are you planning to work or you like to be a house engineer all discussions was wrong with asking them in the presence of our brother

this is a format difference

says the father's like it you know, seriously you know why? You know what happens when it doesn't work out it is a hierarchy because of the people and it didn't work out you know, unhandled left shock a lot people haven't seen you outside together. So now if somebody else is interested because it didn't work out with you guys is that oh, she's been going out with guys. No, no, no, she was not going out with guys. We're just getting to know each other. How many times how many people definitely you know, but come to the house, knock on the door seek permission. You most welcome perhaps they will invite you for lunch. Okay for a drink. And you say any talk and have all the

questions read in your mind and the goal to have all the questions you want to ask

the person who's proposing to you the serious questions, have them ready in your mind like what do you do for a living? Yeah. She says what do you think she can ask you? What do you think of you know men who take another wife? Rihanna, son answer. Okay, so you can ask this question in the presence of your family. She may ask you a question. Okay.

You listen to music. Do you watch movies? Okay

any question that you I'm talking about if you're a girl you want to find out about the crucial matters with this guy. He can ask in the presence of a family member Yeah. Then once you decided and after is the Shara and is the horror. I think we finally found the right guy. There will be engagement there will be awkward. Right after the act you're gonna go out enjoy it.

You want to visit family members enjoy it even before can submit in the marriage because you're already married you process the marriage contract. But before that, no going out. No dating is o'clock herscherik We're going to take a short break there.

So for those of you at home, make sure you stay tuned. Give us a few minutes. We'll be right back. Salam Alaikum

Salaam Alaikum salah. Welcome back to the thick of love sour welcome, Chef welcome salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakato Sheikh we've been discussing, you know how one can actually pursue looking for the perfect spouse looking for the right spouse, And subhanAllah maybe somebody

has caught somebody's eye in the community, and Subhanallah you know, The Guardian, you know, the Wali, but maybe you're shy to approach him, maybe you're younger than, you know, a lot younger than him, you you grew up in the community with him. You feel shy to approach him, you know, how can you approach

these type of, we really have to understand that

there should not be any hurt feeling when you propose any proposal is turned down. Because simply it doesn't work. Marriage is simply a jab and covered proposal and an agreement and acceptance. Maybe you like the person, what the person have somebody else in mind. Maybe you like the person but the father have somebody else in mind. All of that can happen. You should not have any heart feeling. But you should not waste the opportunity as well. Sometimes you're reluctant, she's been sitting in front of you for a year, two and three. And you're sitting back and you're shy. Why? Because you're afraid, I'm afraid to ask him afraid to propose to her, because they may refuse me until several

years later than somebody else proposes and she gets married, then you realize that they were waiting for you to say something but he didn't take your chance. Propose. And if it is something that Allah has this in you for you will find it easy.

It's not the end of the world.

Probably Allahu Allah can offer his daughter to Abu Bakr Saudi. He she didn't show any interest. He offered the his daughter of Malabar fan and he later said, No, I'm not interested. There's nothing wrong with that. You know, sometimes when people have, you know, sometimes these things take a long time, months or even years, sometimes this is wrong, when you know when you have this is really wrong. And the problem with this as well, I've seen a few instances where

it's lasted so long, you know, you've been pursuing this for six months, one year, two years, even, you know, you might even call it an unofficial engagement, you know, and then he doesn't work out. And then they fall into depression. Absolutely. And as a matter of fact, the longer it takes, the greater the possibility that it will not work out.

Okay, take advantage if you found the right person, and inquired about the person. So you already found that you're certain, and you consulted Allah, who is the hara and so on. They make the proposal, get married. And Allah will make it easy for you. It is not the end of the world. But to drag it for months. And even for years. This is not healthy, this not healthy at all. So what type of questions what type of things should we be asking? In the meeting? When you're sitting with the person, feel free to ask any question that crosses your mind? Because there are some default questions? Like you know,

your hobbies, your preferences. You know, a man normally would ask whether you know how to cook or not. Okay. She would ask whether you're outgoing or not.

And what about the children? You like children, you're like kids. Some people say I would only have one child, and no more. So the person says, no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't think so. Some people also want to delay children as well. Yeah. And some people say, I think, three, four years later, why? What is the reason? That's very suspicious, because some people actually, they want to spend some time with a woman. You know, you gotta be very careful. If a man is serious, and if a man loves this woman, and if a man is fully convinced that she's gonna be his soul mate, a life mate, then there should not be any obstacles on the way of having children, you know, and that's also her right

to have children. And it is his right to have children because it could it could be either way either party who's not interested. So those questions should be brought up and discussed from the beginning.

Nowadays, we know that all girls go to school and they study they have degrees. So you know, it is pretty much expected for a girl who

Finish her MD that she wants to get a job she wants to go to the hospital or future, you know, in the future to pursue her Master's then open her own clinic, perhaps, you know that something should not be neglected and nor postponed to be discussed after marriage, then you said, Well, I never thought that you wanted to work. She says, of course, why did they waste seven or 10 years of my life in acquiring my degree, sit at home and to cut onions, of course, to work to work as a doctor. So there are crucial questions must be asked. There are some other things which vary from one individual to another, with regards to like a girl may ask the guy, what is your view on taking a

second wife?

Or, or a third wife?

No, second is enough. She will, she will have a very clear idea once he answered this question.

Yes, upon that, so, you know, speaking about finance, traveling, you know, they saw everything really, it's important to kind of hash it out before you make that big decision and getting married. You say if somebody has studied for a number of years, and they have ambitions of working and having their own nursery or their own hospital, whatever it may be, this could actually not be in your vision, you know, as a man, you know, that might not be the vision for your family. And that's why he aiders parents, uncles must be involved, they will educate you, they will throw questions at you in order to be cautious from the beginning. That's something not to be forgotten. Yeah, shake

SubhanAllah. You know, some brothers that maybe they're not

financially as well off as others. And some sisters, maybe they're rich, maybe they have a good job, you know, would it be permissible for them to actually,

you know, take care of their husband almost or, you know, actually financed the husband? Well, is it permissible for a couple or for a man and a woman, and the woman is working and she's making more money than the man to the man, of course, it is permissible. There are other factors that have to be kept in mind, which we discussed in the previous episodes. But that is not an obstacle at all. But the questions which should not be skipped, like, if you know that you're marrying a person from a particular culture where the mother in law lives in the same house.

And this is something very common in this culture, then you should be very particular, about asking this question, because Islam gives you the right to live in, in an independent house.

And when it comes to this, the guy says no, but in our culture, my mother has to live with us, even though she has other kids. And she has a house and she has a maid and she has, you know, his parents are both alive. And they are healthy, masha Allah, but it is cultural, that she lives on board with us, or both parents live on board with us. And then he demands his wife to serve his parents as well.

To the extent that she will dictate to her what to cook, and when to receive guests consciously went away cook exactly from the slave of the mother. Almost not necessarily, but I'm saying sometimes some some sisters are okay with that. They're happy with that. And you do this for the sake of Allah. But is it mandatory? No, it's not mandatory. You know, every woman is entitled for her independent house, you know, that the parents alone come and go, the visit will check on them will take care of them. Sometimes, due to urgent needs, we need to take care of them, she may move in because she doesn't have anyone to look after her. But under the regular circumstances, as a woman,

she has the right and she's perfectly entitled for her own flat or apartment, and to cook wherever she and her husband decide to cook, not to receive commands from another person. So as I said, it depends on your circumstances and whom you're marrying. You get to brainstorm the person and think about all the future

possibilities of having problems in order to avoid them from the beginning. Sure, what type of timescale are we looking at? How How long should this take one week, two weeks, six months, you know, sometimes as we know, is a better the sooner is the better? Some people after one meeting, they make up their mind, they pray. It's the Hora Alhamdulillah chakra because, as you said in the beginning of the segment that he knows the uncle, he knows the family, they've been around for the past 1520 years. All he needs to know whether she's okay.

marrying him or not. And some final touch with regards to working or not working, raising the children in the interest of actually living here or moving to another country, you know, but otherwise, I already know the family. And, you know, the girl caught my eye. somebody's interested. And she's interested. So meeting could be sufficient. But what if one meeting is not sufficient? I met the girl. And I like her. But she is interested in meeting the guy again, to ask questions to meet again, and again and again. But as long as it is, for the purpose of making up your mind, it is not for waste and time. No, just mere chatting. And that's why I said, when it happens within the

circle, the of the family that will make the long story short, but when we say, oh, we'll meet Where are you going? I'm meeting the guy in order to get to know him. We're going to Starbucks. We're going to Red Lobster, we're going to dine here and there. It's fun. He's enjoying it. We're meeting. We're meeting if the person doesn't have the guidelines of halal and haram, they will keep dragging this for long. Hey, if you're interested, you ask serious questions. Then if you're interested and you have conditions in mind to stipulate for innocence, then make the long story short, get engaged, and get ready for preparing for the marriage contract. JazakAllah Hirsch acts upon law great advice.

They're great examples. Thanks for joining us on the show. It is a pleasure to have you again and time with you. And inshallah we'll carry on with this series. Thank you. So hopefully we'll get a bit more deeper into this.

For everyone listening, make sure you join us next time on the fifth of love. And I hope you're benefiting as I am. And insha Allah we'll see you next time.