Sexual Relations in Marriage [Audio Webinar]
Date:
Channel: Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari
File Size: 101.62MB
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AI Generated Summary ©
The speakers discuss the importance of maintaining healthy sexuality, including avoiding embarrassment and sharing sexuality. They emphasize the need for individuals to have a positive attitude towards sex and encourage others to do the same. They also mention the need for individuals to have a positive attitude towards sex and encourage others to do the same.AI Generated Transcript ©
lensman Rahim Al
hamdu lillahi rabbil aalameen
But after the news to pay for Salah to sell salam ala Sayidina Muhammad are the early he was starting to hear that you might
live into their home. Yes and you know you we did Allahumma aluminum and frona when found out of him out of them Turner was even hard enough to panic Allahumma
Kim provides
perspective brothers and sisters Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.
It's an honor and a privilege.
It's an honor and a privilege to be here with us today.
And hamdulillah
with this online webinar, organized by
our very beloved online Institute, by your institute
May Allah subhanho wa Taala
be awarded the organizers of the Orion Institute's
all the brothers and sisters who have put in the effort to make this program this webinar possible today.
It's an honor and a privilege for me to be here with on Sunday Shabbat
wherever you are in any part of the world,
we're going to Inshallah, talk about a very important topic as you can see the title sexual relations in marriage significance and Islamic guidelines.
This is a very important topic and this is why many people have Sharla registered
and
people do have an interest in this topic.
As you can everyone can probably see the slides we have the title which is sexual relations in marriage
there are few points I want to talk about this topic, brothers and sisters.
Summarize it into few points inshallah. And then maybe we can take question answers later on.
Yes, before we start Chava
if you can see First things first, this is a very, very important discussion I want to do with you.
One of the
issues that we face today
in our communities
is that this topic of intimate sexual relations, some of you may have realized that look, even the title is just very direct.
I was thinking, what time to give this particular
seminar, you know, this topic of intimate relations
or,
you know, husband wife relations,
intimate relations could have been a possibility. But the point is that none of these actually
determine exactly what we're talking about when we say intimacy intimacy is a bit of you know, being lovey dovey with one another husband, wives have showing love. That's also intimacy. But this is the reason why I wanted a title which is direct to the point of sexual relations. There's no other meaning of sexual relations between spouses. And this is why the first point is this, that talking about sexual relations, in marriage, always we it's, of course, this is all about marriage, sexual relations.
Discussing this learning about this does not go against modesty higher up. I think in some of the cultures, for far too long. What's been happening is that this topic is a taboo. People don't even want to discuss this topic. It's like, you know, it's considered to be something that goes against higher piety, religious decorum,
morality, basic ethics. This is what it's sometimes thought of.
And because of this,
when people are shying away from this topic, too often people shy away from the subject. They deprive number one, they deprive themselves from an important aspect of the teachings of Islam.
Okay, and then there are certain other things as well the negatives or the consequences for not
discussing this topic openly
So the first point here is that sexual relations, this issue, to discuss it, to learn about it to talk about it is not
against the teachings of Islam
it does not go against the teachings of Islam.
The we see,
and some of you may probably know that I actually have a book on this topic,
slightly go to sexual relations. I just actually picked it up, I have it with me here. And, you know, I've written about these topics in quite detail, but this is why in the introduction, because when I had to write this book, I was actually very, very fearful,
you know, very concerned as to what
response or feedback I will receive, but then inshallah Alhamdulillah I consulted some of my teachers and elders and when I got the green light, that this is something that's not
that we should shy away from, and many early scholars, many early scholars have written about this topic in a very explicit aggressive manner. And this is why in the introduction of the book I actually first and foremost I talked about this I said, Look,
Islamic is of course will have higher and modesty but
Islam does not shy away, does not neglect this very important aspect of marriage because Islam is a comprehensive way of life. So what whichever part of Islam is, Islam does not shy away from it. There are detail if you look at many classical scholars, Imam Muhammad of Azaria Rahim, hola.
He actually
in his area or room with D, he actually has a full discussion
on the sexual behavior of husbands and wives. In his book The Herald muddied. The male female Dozier has talked about this
environment of Kodama humbly in his movie, Mama nessa in his book Russia to Nyssa many others Sheikh Abdullah Cardinal Janani Rahim Allah and disable heart there are
lots of these great scholars, they actually have specific dedicated chapters in their books.
And then later on, some of the scholars wrote specific books on this topic in the Arabic language. There's a really famous book in the Arab world, Zulu Maharaja Xiao Jia Sheikh Mohammed Kanalen, very good book on this topic. And there may be some in the other language as well. And a few books may be on in English as well. And then there's a very small booklet that one of our scholars from South Africa wrote on this topic many many years ago, but there was the need for a detailed discussion. So and not just these books, if we go back all the way back to the Quran and Sunnah.
There's clear guidelines, like explicit discussion of this in the Hadith of the messenger, sallAllahu, alayhi wasallam.
The messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he did not shy away from it, he will describe this topic explicitly. Like, for example, when he was mentioning the ruling of when he was mentioning the ruling of
when hostile becomes barbed, unnecessary.
He actually he said, This is a Hadith in Sahih Bukhari Sahih Muslim, the Al Bukhari and Sahih Muslim either jealous or been assured because our backs from Nigeria the half of what you have already Hilversum
how explicit can you be than saying when a man sits amidst
four pots is wasteful pots, the scholars of Hadith and actually go and like, discuss in detail what is the messenger Salallahu Alaihe Salam mean, what is he referring to show our behind our bar for pots?
And they have a couple of or two three different interpretations. But the point I'm trying to make here is that the messenger SallAllahu Alisyn have used this pocket verbally He's awesome. When a man does that. Then Wooster is watchable in his
examples where companions came to the messenger SallAllahu Sallam asked about these matters in an explicit manner.
Even sometimes human companions who Muslim came to the messenger SallAllahu sallam said Yeah, Rasul Allah in Allah, Allah is to him and honestly, you're of Allah, Indian, Allah subhanaw taala is not shy away from the truth. And you know, significantly. This is actually the next slide, but significantly, you know, when these topics are being discussed, yes, this is important that before it, there's always a reminder, in the Hadith, always, or more or less, in many verses of the Quran or the Hadith, there's this reminder of higher. So look, this companion, Muslim came to the messenger, salallahu Alaihe Salam. And she said, O Messenger of Allah in Allah, Allah is the hymnal
before I asked him a question. Yes, indeed. You know, Allah is not shy away. Allah is not shy away from the truth.
You don't shy away from the hacker from truth from learning about Dean and his luck.
And then she asked a question this you see the scene in the Quran as well? Well Allahu Allah is studying and actually in another in a hadith of the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was talking about the lawfulness of anal intercourse.
He said in Allahu Allah is to him in a letter to Mr. Afia device advisory hinda. Indeed, Allah subhanaw taala is not shy away from the truth.
And then he mentioned we're here to mention, do not have no intercourse with your spouse's with your wives. So
this is a very, very important discussion. We should not shy away from it. We should talk about it. But of course, as with everything, this discussion must be done with decency with decorum with higher with others. This is what is important.
You know, there's a
statement of
one of the greater victory His name is Mogera. He said, This is a heel Buhari later, allometry Mermelstein Well, I'm stuck with two types of people do not seek knowledge. Two types of people do not gain knowledge. One is
a Mr. Cooper, a proud and arrogant individual. And the second is Mr. He is the one who is shy. If we are shy, we are not going to learn knowledge, whether we're shy, because we don't want to ask about this issue. Or we don't want to sort of be embarrassed about it. Then we will miss out. You know, like, they say that? Well, this is another thing as well. If you're going to be shy for inviting for food at somebody's house, if you're shy you lose out. So when you're invited for food, don't become
too shy and sinister, not eating and you know, things is that what they might think I eat too much. And if you do that, you're gonna just remain hungry and go back home and eat again. So that the harm is done to the person who's shy. These things need to be discussed, and this is why but the point is, with higher with other discuss this topic learn about this topic. But in
with the spirit of higher with the spirit of modesty
with decency
even eyeshot of your love and how she said Now I'm only certain this
year couldn't be higher. We have our own limits the use of a canopy did that
How admirable are the women have an SOC package did not prevent them from seeking a deep understanding of religion? This is what's either Aisha Radi Allahu dialler and her set. Anyway, so this was just like an intro. And this is I'm sure everybody knows that this is important. And that's why they're here. And now I have a few things that we want to talk about very importantly.
Intimacy, and I'm specifically referring to sexual intimacy
in marriage.
Now, we've talked about we've said that this topic is actually very important, without a doubt.
But of course, some people might say like, why can we just talk about sex and marriage? Just about sex xx xx? Is that isn't what marriage is about? Of course not. Nobody is saying this. Marriage is not just about sex, but it is about sexual intercourse. Sorry, I'm using terms which are explicit, because this topic is specifically designed for this particular purpose. And this is why it has to be explicit. If I was talking about another topic, and then maybe this kind of just some discussion slightly like that to
refer to it or give reference to it. Maybe I might not be that explicit, but because everyone knows beforehand what this subject is about. And Inshallah, you know, we will, we will do it with higher and modesty.
Lots of people say, and actually, you know, subhanAllah I just remember now
that I think this happened before as a launch, but even this Orion Institute,
this particular webinar for today, when it was advertised, I think it was tweeted, or I retweeted it, or somebody tweeted it, or I don't know what but I saw it somewhere. I can't even remember though. Somebody put a comment down.
Can you do you can you just talk about sexual intercourse in marriage? Do you have anything better to talk about when people are dying in the world?
Subhanallah that's, that's what somebody put on. And this has actually come before as well. Actually, it's not just what's actually because even marriage, I remember a few years ago, I was somebody invited me to deliver a marriage course. And the poster was put on someone said,
people are dying in the world and the only thing that you guys want to talk about in marriage. You know why these kinds of disputes
comments come about?
The reason why these kinds of comments about come about because we, many of us, we've met and this is actually very important. I've actually realized this on many points of basis, that there's a, there's this wrong sort of understanding, a very like a myth. We've misunderstood marriage in Islam altogether, not just sexual intercourse. We've misunderstood marriage. You know, actually, yesterday I had, like, dates, like a few hours seminar on marriage and actually spent an hour and a half just this point, I said, everything else leave it maybe second time. Third time, you know, we can do another series of these folks. But this is a fundamental point that I really like, would like people
to understand all these myths, misunderstandings, all these types of comments only come about because we've misunderstood what marriage is in what marriage is in Islam.
What we've misunderstood on marriages in Islam, marriage is not a worldly, mundane activity. Marriage is not your regular worldly act. Marriage is an either it's worshipping Allah, it's a form of a Garda it's a means of getting close to Allah marriage. The more you work at your marriage, the more Eva you are doing, the more you are getting close to Allah subhanaw taala you're attaining proximity to God, it's all good deeds. A
lot of people think it's a worldly thing. No, no, it's in Islamic thing is a religious act. It's a means of becoming close to Allah. It's an act of spirituality. And this is what Islam. This is what distinguishes Islam from other faith communities, where sometimes
religion is something else, it's in the church or in whatever it is, it's just worship. Whereas other things like marriage is a social, totally social contract or a social act. Islam says no, marriage is a religious act. Marriage is a bother. That's why when we get married, what happens? We read the hotbar cosmetology verses of Taqwa this hadith, you know, there's no hours. All of this because marriage is everybody it's like any other brother. It's a sunnah to occur to marhaba it's like highly emphasized sunnah in normal situations, for sometimes for some people, no, you actually have considerable logic, but in normal situations is actually sooner. So this is a highly
emphasized. The Quran says that every prophet except to Allah subhanho wa taala.
Make them marry, every one of them will have
a current and called the verses. Right now the verse but there's a verse in the Quran, Allah Subhana Allah says that when our son Amir was soon in, sorry, I can't call it but
every prophet except to one was, yeah, peace be upon him, and other Risa and his salatu salam.
And even him the Hadith say when he will, shall return will marry. So in Islam marriage Islam does not agree with the concept of monastery is like no celibacy or Barnea marriages I Bada and therefore
any anything to do with marriage isn't a bother itself, the more you nourish your marriage, and some people think like I was telling us the day before yesterday, some brothers
that
what happens is that the marriage is an act of a brother. And the more you nourish it, the more you work at it. Sometimes people think like, you know, I had a Tokyo University couple of days ago. And the title was balanced between deen and duniya
I actually made the whole this was a poster the whole talk I said to them, You know what, you know, there's no need to balance between zine and dunya for a Muslim everything is the your religious your your study with two three conditions becomes duly Dean. So I said it's Dean and Dean. There's no deen and duniya. So we need to realize this. Sometimes we think oh, you know what, I'm spending too much time with the family and with my husband or with my wife, you know, now I need to go into like
that what all the time you spending you and your spouse sitting and holding hands and being intimate and kissing one another and embracing and hugging, all that time it is for the sake of Allah to fulfill the rights of your wife to fulfill your rights of your husband. If you do that for the sake of Allah for the pleasure of Allah with this media with love and sincerity all of that is a father you're not you're not involved in a DOP activity at all. This is the this is the fundamental point that people need to realize you're not involved it's not like oh, you know what, I need to sacrifice my pleasures of the dunya you know marriage like I need to sacrifice and go like and go and work for
Dean. I tell young people like some some brothers they you know when they get married and they say like you know I want to serve the Drina you know, I'm giving too much time at home like no brother you're giving time at home that is a good balance without like different types of your brother. You don't just keep on doing the cards because the cards are cut. You don't give
When just to encourage 24 hours, you play solo, sometimes you do the cost, sometimes hard. So you balanced it in this way different forms of EVA, sometimes when you're doing the merger, whether you're nourishing your marriage, your brother, sometimes you're nourishing your tahajjud rebounder, sometimes. So those are on, but you don't always do two hours or four hours in moderation, you just fill out the corner, and then you go and like, spend like two hours, you know, embracing and hugging your spouse and talking and whatever. Like it's all part of Islam and deeds. And this is why when these kinds of comments come up, because lots of people fail to realize that this aspect of marriage
now that brother who said you can only have like people are dying the world or there's so much more important things in life than talk about Islam than talk about marriage. No, there isn't because, yes, you know, just like someone's talking about salah would you say that if there's a there's a you know, like a flyer going on.
And somebody
advertises that we're going to have a talk on the importance of prayer when you say Oh, is that the only thing you can talk about like prayer? And then there's so much more important things to do in the world. And there's also people dying in the world and you're just talking about salah. Exactly the same. You're talking about marriage. So when we understand this, that marriage is a bother everything to do with marriage becomes a vida, even sexual intercourse.
Yes, marriage like the first point there is more to marriage than the mere gratification of one sexual needs. However,
even this becomes very bad. And that's This is actually from the Hadith, the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in the famous Hadith. What'd he say? He said, was the Buddha, a deacon sadaqa that even one of you engaging in sexual relations with the spouse? This is an act of soda. It's an act of charity. You're giving charity? Sometimes you're giving charity with wealth and money. But sometimes you're giving charity by like, having intimacy with your spouse.
So
yes, there is more to marriage than the mere gratification of one sexual needs. Without adult. Marriage is not just about sexual intercourse. There's much more to marriage. Yes, marriage is about love. Marriage is about companionship, marriage is about
caring and sharing. Marriage is about finding life together, bringing up raising righteous, pious children together. Marriage is about helping and supporting one another emotionally.
A marriage is about, you know, financially supporting like the husband financially supports the wife really should only be the husband, that's his responsibility if the wife wants to help a bit to have the daughter she doesn't have to. So this is why you know, when we look at the definition of marriage, in the books, they say, act don't act don't it's a contract. Marriage is a contract. Yes, the act, don't you free do Hiller
Hill? This is a contract. You know, this is a definition. In fact, what's the definition of marriage, they say it's a contract that results in the permissibility of esteemed data, the permissibility of deriving benefit.
For both spouses like this is the benefit it basically it's a contract, which results in the permissibility of the man deriving benefit from the wife and the wife deriving benefit from the husband. Okay. And then, you know, the scholars explain what type of benefits there's different types of benefits, you know, financial benefits, emotional benefits, you know,
companionship benefit all these benefits. So marriage is a contract that gives this benefit both parties, the husband, derives benefit from the wife and the wife derives benefit from the husband. But I will tell you one point here with a lot of people, you know, sometimes you know, listen to this point, what I'm just gonna say to each other
You see, all those things, all those means of deriving benefit in marriage, if we look at every single form of benefit can be is a very important point, every single form of deriving benefit, like the list of things I've mentioned, but all the different ways of deriving benefit from your from in which are listed in marriage, marriage benefits. These benefits can be derived outside of marriage with via other people, except one. If marriage gives the benefit of financial health, then you can financially derive benefit from someone else your father can support you, your mother can support you, your brother can support you, your sister can support you, your friend can give you financial
benefit. If it's emotional benefit, emotional benefit, as well. Someone you can get that outside of marriage, sometimes in a woman finds much more emotional benefit from another woman because the husband's not giving
have, you know, the level needed of emotional sort of support. Sometimes the husband tried to get to somewhere else because he's not receiving that level of emotional support. So, you can get that emotional support from a friend, from your mother, from your parents, even from your children from lots of people. So financial benefit can be gained outside of marriage, emotional benefits can begin outside of marriage,
companionship and friendship. Okay, you can gain that outside of marriage, you can have a really nice, close associate friends you can share your secrets with etc. And they're very loyal to
friendship. So friendship can be gained outside of marriage. companionship can be gained as a marriage, someone to shovel with. Lots of people don't travel with a spouse nowadays, but someone to travel with can be gained. outside of marriage, all the benefits of marriage can be gained from other avenues. There's only a one benefit out of the list of benefits, which can't be gained outside and which is sexual intercourse and sexual relations. That's only in marriage. So that makes sexual relations stand out. Yes, and there's more to marriage than the mere gratis gratification of one sexual needs.
There's more to marriage than that. There's all these emotional aspects and companionship and friendship and etc, etc. But just this point, what I've just mentioned to the shows the importance, the root, you know, the great significance and the importance and the relevance of sexual intimacy, sexual relations, intimacy plays an important role in a successful marriage. Okay. And that's why we see that many marriages fail due to problems in the bedroom department.
Many marriages, they fail, like due to problems in the batch bedroom department. Yes, that is true. You might say what marriages fail due to bedroom problems in the bedroom apartment? Yes, definitely look at the next slide. At times, at times, although other reasons are
pinpointed as the cause for marital breakdown. The underlying reason is sexual dissatisfaction, frustration, and an end and happiness.
And I'm not just saying this like this. I'm saying this also, because this is in our literature in books, and I've read this in places. But I am telling you this from
listening to or dealing with cases firsthand, firsthand experience of dealing with cases over the last 1012 years. This is not just theory, this is practical. In many cases, at least nine or 10 cases have dealt with seriously, that marriages have failed. That's divorced. Now, the what these two points actually collectively
refer to or tell us is that look,
it's not going to be like very explicit or very open that this is the root cause. This is the problem. Main reason this is, you know, the underlying reason for the marriage breakdown. No, that's what I said here. Although other reasons are pinpointed sometimes, it's not like the hiding sometimes even the couple's themselves don't realize sometimes is the couples don't themselves realize that this is the actual the main core reason of disputes and problems is this you know, problem in the bedroom, bedroom department. Sometimes they don't realize themselves. Why? Because what happens is that this is why they say a couple happy in bed happy in marriage, a couple sad in
bed Sunday marriage, what happens is when there's dissatisfaction in the bedroom department Tuesday, this is really important to the psychologist and experts in whatever they'll tell you the same thing in a marriage when the couple are
dissatisfied. There's dissatisfaction and unhappiness. Sometimes, you know, it's a woman sometimes the man like the woman, for example, is not satisfied. In her sexual relationship with the husband, the husband is not fulfilling her needs sexually. She gets frustrated her moods goes bad if you have mood swings, no, she she gets frustrated then that results trigger something else and then she'll complain about that and she'd argue about this and she doesn't know that this or she herself doesn't realize maybe that what the reason is because this frustration and this mood swing and the verbal abuse and this nagging and this shouting and this, you know, like complaining about every other
thing and screaming is because she's actually frustrated.
This is the reason why she's sexually frustrated. And this is why when a wife or when a woman you know the same tough look, you know, maybe like as an example, if the if the husband does something which like let's say is slightly inappropriate or the husband hurts her feelings slightly like he's sad until he you know,
did something
If that same thing that the husband if he does, okay, straight after the husband and wife have been intimate and they've had sexual relations, right, if they've had sexual relations, and the same thing that husband does the night before, at night, the vast sexual relations in the morning, the husband does whatever he was not supposed to do, or he did something, or he left something or made a mistake, whatever, whatever example you want to think of.
And look at that example how the wife deals with that. And the same after another time, when the husband wife have not been intimate the night before, or just before. And they have, they haven't been intimate for like many, many days, 1015 days. And that same mistake, same scenario, and you will see a massive difference, generally speaking in the wife's response and attitude towards that, because when you've had a successful, pleasing, satisfying,
you know, union through sexual relations, then you automatically automatic it makes you forgiving it automatically you overlook things. This is why, you know, any two people living to them together is the most difficult thing on planet Earth is difficult. We can't live with one another because we're all different. What makes it slightly easy, let's look imagine any random two people
living together, sharing the same house and sharing the same room and the same food and the same earnings and like everything, you know, sharing, sharing, sharing is very, very difficult. But one of the things that really helps, is in the marriage, when the husband wife, or shooting everything together is because they are intimate. That's number one. And number two, of course, this Baraka because you've done academica, and Allah gives Baraka through the
act of the car. And then if you have taqwa in that marriage, and etc, etc, many other things, but this is one of the things. So therefore, what I was saying that many times the problem is
the underlying reason is problems in the bedroom department. But lots of people don't realize they actually think they don't realize that's the root cause of the problem.
And sometimes people do realize, that's what I said, out of, you know, a lot of experience with dealing with many, many marriage cases and divorce cases.
They will not mention it openly. Clearly. Sometimes they might mention it to the spouse, but they're not going to say like, you know what, oh, you know, we had divorce because
he wasn't satisfied me in bed. Yeah. You know, people love her. Yeah, of course, not going to be the, you can't even mention it to like your parents, maybe that oh, you know, like, he doesn't fulfill my needs.
But people just frustrated. And this is what I'm saying. Like the wife is saying that because sometimes this is another point that in some communities, sadly, they feel that this sexual intimacy is nearly the right of the man. I don't know where that came from, who said it's just really the right of the man is the right and the man and the woman? Yes, indeed, in most cases, generally, the man has more of a sexual needs than a woman. But in some cases, the woman has more needs. And it's the right of both spouses. And I'm telling you, I've had cases where, you know, where
the I remember, many years ago, there was a sister and she was married. And she said that
I think I can't remember as long I think many years ago, five, six years ago, but that after four months of marriage, the first four months, the husband was having intimate relations with her. But after four months of marriage, you just stopped having any intimate relationship with her is completely just stopped.
Until I think it was like four years. She said in four years, he's not touching me. And she was she was just saying that I've been sober, sober, sober patients. And you know, I'm now I don't know if I could carry on doing some of the would you advise that for the sake of Allah just to Subak house and until guidance about that, like you'd only have one year of Allah like, all yours?
I mean, Islamically she has basic rights, you just go and get your marriage canceled, or no, you know, because that's the basic rights. And the opposite is also true. Sometimes the women, they just play hard to get and they just, you know, say, You know what, let me make him suffer like, you know, I'm not gonna I have some brothers, right? There's one brother who's emailed me once and like, he was so upset and so distressed and says, like, my wife doesn't let me touch her. And she's always say, no, no, no, I don't need to touch me and I want you to come close to me. This is all haram unless there's your absolute genuine need. Otherwise, otherwise, whether it's the man or it's the
woman, the Hadith talk about the woman, right? The woman who doesn't fulfill the needs of her husband and the husband is upset, etc, etc, that Lana tells mother equal to heart to
the angels curse her until the morning. There's also Hadith like
so what was owed to her and her Yeah, similar Hadith that
says the husband spends the night upset and unhappy and distress because the one
I've
refused him. And Allah says curse, Angel send curse. There's another Hadith, that even if you're busy, when Carnage is the new evil, it's a physical killer, you just have to leave everything that and this is just showing these all these Hadith are showing the importance and the significance of intimacy. It's not just about the husband, some people's nonsense, they think that this is just about the husband and you know, there's no right No, it's like, the wives right, as well as the husbands. Right? It's both evils, right? So
it could even result in the breakdown of marriage. Okay, it could
also result in the breakdown of marriage. So this is why it's very important that we give importance to this and Chava have some advices because time is flying by us.
As long as you can say about this.
Some points like 123456, and then the two things and then you'll find it so yeah, this search, inshallah we will, we'll cover it to the
point, one, until I was like the importance of this point one, I want to extend this to ensure that
both spouses must constantly work at nourishing and maintaining a healthy sexual relationship.
Before that,
I will mention one thing, because I'm sure that a lot of you meet non married people maybe as well who are just about to get married, I don't think maybe there's more married people, but this is actually for than non married people are about to get married and maybe looking to get married. So this is for them, that the married ones don't start thinking about like, Oh, why didn't I do this? Why before marriage and you know, like, right now like, no, no, no, marriage is perfect. And that's why you know, you just have to nourish it but before nourishing, this is a point might seem a bit like
not strange, but it might come across as like, how do you do this? Because this is a question when I when I teach a course of marriage and I remember earlier on like when Ryan Institute's started like one of the first earlier courses in the first or the second course I taught on the facts of marriage, it was full of detail relative detail. And we and we delivered a course I did many years ago I don't know three years ago or something. And since then, this is the first time again that I've had the opportunity to be with you through Riyadh Institute and honor privilege and I apologize to the people who are running Institute for you know, not being able to
accept many many invites of
giving a cause etc. But in the marriage course
when I talk about when we discuss when we discuss things to look for in a spouse when we discuss that there's many things like you know when you look for a spouse you should be versus Dean
Brian Emery how religion Murray how well he has to be heavily Dini have a desire to be in the messengers for excellence I can married based on the get married based on like piety religiosity what is the there's a comprehensive understanding of Deen that what is the it's not just like certain acts of Salah or you know just certain way of dressing etc. There is a very comprehensive way of life and you know it's quite detailed this is not a marriage course so I don't wanna go into it but we looked at you know, when you when you are looking to get married you look at deals that's one very important thing number two you look at you can look at attraction Jamal which is beauty.
And
the third thing and this is where I discussed this, that we look at also.
We look at
we look at
compatibility
look at compatibility GAFA compatibility is no divide compatibility few categories. Okay, I'm just getting to the point. There's no time to explain all of this. But when I when we go through a whole course we talk about compatibility and in the compatibility we say what is compatibility? What to look for compatibility, compatibility and interest in life, objectives in of marriage, sort of different eras same type of sort of interests and
interests and goals of life, etc. Not necessarily compatibility does not necessarily mean you have to be part of the same caste or thin, you know, like ethnicity, it may help that's not necessarily compatibility, etc, etc. The
last few years, I've added one extra thing. Compatibility may
mean age or maybe in like outlook of like all of these things are there. Okay.
Compatibility in terms of a yeah, there's an intellectual compatibility that's there as well, that you need the two spouses intellectually, they need to be at the same level. Sometimes you get somebody, two people getting married, and they're intellectually like, completely different. They just one just doesn't understand the other ones on one level of intellectual capability and others on another level of intellectual capability possible in the marriage, because like there is, he speaks, and she doesn't understand what's going on, or she speaks and is not justified to understand it is not it can cause problems. But anyway, we have all these compatibilities. The point I'm going
to want to make is destined. That's what I've added here. That's, we should also look at sexual compatibility.
You must have what sexual compatibility, yes, actually, combating the sexual intercourse is a very important part of marriage. It's not the be all and end of marriage, like we said, but it is very important for marriage. And when it's a very important part of marriage,
there has to be some sort of, it helps to have some sort of sexual compatibility
between the husband and the wife. What I mean sexual compatibility is like a lot of people, every one of us, we have different levels of
what we call sexual desire, Shaohua.
Sexual libido, you know, the desire,
some people have an extreme level, and some people have a lower level. Now what can cause problems in a marriage is when one of the spouses has a very high level of sexual desire. And the other has a very, very low level of sexual desire, that can cause a massive problem. And I've had cases where, for example, the husband has a very high level of sexual desire. And the wife has a very, very, extremely low like, so the husband is frustrated. And the husband misses in the first few few months of marriage. I think, if I remember correctly, that case, remember, these are all like, cases ideal dealt with in our central years. I call them when time flies nowadays, or something you think
happened yesterday, it happened probably 10 years ago. So keep track of days and months and years nowadays.
The husband wants you to his needs to be fulfilled, like at least you know, I think it was every so often once a week or twice a week, whatever. Remember that the wife of that for months, I remember, months, she just could not. Okay.
So to find out the level, right, there's a million dollar question after this, which maybe I think somebody else probably already asked as well. And and this oldest comes every marriage course, every most people ask this, and which is, so before I cut before the question, that we need to find out the sexual compatibility, right, so not just the level of sexual but you don't just like what kind of person this person sexually is. Because
actually,
you know, this is missing. I can't really go explicit in this, but like how a person is actually a woman or a man. It's a personal thing, right.
So
it's good to get back compatibility when there's compatibility. That when there's compatibility of sexual compatibility,
to not be too explicit, or maybe something slightly, like, for example,
one of the spouses loves a lot of foreplay. Let's say that, okay, foreplay. I in my book, I have a whole introduction of foreplay.
Right. It's not only women who love foreplay, even, there's lots of men who love foreplay. So who have an interest within this, you know, will pay is very important. So, for example, this one of the sponsors, whoever it is, let's say a man, this man, this husband, he likes to have a long, full play, like, you know, he just wants absolute, like, level of foreplay. That's his, his way of
being intimate. And without foreplay has just like, he feels frustrated that he doesn't want to quick, you know, the session of intercourse. And the wife may be like,
she's like, okay, just quick, get over. I'm done with this job, like, making babies. Let's do that. Let's make that easy. Let's just say a fraction. Machinists knew it. And there's other things to do
is to create problems. So more and more things like this extra compatibility is actually available. Now, the million dollar question is how do you find out the section that essential components every time I talk about this in various courses? I think yesterday somebody asked as well.
We're actually with the course
that
How'd you find this out?
The answer is,
I don't know. You might think why did you didn't bring this up? I brought it up so that at least we realized that there may be a way I'll tell you briefly. It's a very difficult one. It's not it's not possible really to find out explicitly properly. Or you can just need to like have a, you know, when you meet one another very, and say, by the way, sister, okay, would you like to invite Julep do like foreplay, or do you like, of course, you can't do that. Right? It's difficult. But if it's possible, to third hand party, like a third party site, if it's possible, to sort of try to find out some details and show that about, you know, just like, like, for example, if you have a sister and notice
as a friend, like the other day, and you want to find out, you have a sister, and that sister has a like, she's a friend or friend, a friend, and you know, someone close to the sister was a friend. And then, you know, some close friend without her knowing the why to be asked that what kind of person she is, from a sexual perspective. And then she relays the message, and then she relays it to her friend, and then to her brother, and then to you, whatever,
then there's some way like that some sort of you can get to some sort of understanding and Chava.
Because then people do open up to the friends, not too much. Of course, it's not good to view you know, open up before marriage, like just, you know, just general without talking too, specifically about things that yeah, you know, this is the type of things I like, and you know, in the current modern culture, the non higher culture, people talk about all of this, like, it's, it's graphic details, you know, how can we talk about it? What do you like an old graphics, it's completely to the facts. So, you know, we're doing it for just for a good cause for an Hispanic cause, or for an eye Vida for a worshiper doing it, so that our marriages of God and our marriages remain healthy and
prosperous, so that we worship about and we get close to a lot in sha Allah, hopefully, they should, you know, shouldn't be wrong in sha Allah insha. Allah, if it wasn't the right intention into a marriage, we're not trying to, you know, find out the Secretary, if
you don't, you don't have intention to marry, you want to find out the details of some woman and some sister or some guy, and of course, that's haram. So if it really is for the sake of Allah and really for marriage, then Inshallah, a bit of details could help now. Therefore, this is for people who will be for marriage, those who are already married, they must,
you know, constantly, there must constantly
constantly work at nourishing and maintaining a healthy sexual relationship.
Okay.
How do you do that? Well, the brothers and sisters married brothers and sisters don't make emerges boys
don't make American sporting marriages, of course,
can't remain exactly the same how they were on day one, day one, first night is different to the second night, second night is different to the third night, third night is different to the fourth time, fourth night is different to the assessment. And the next month and the month after or the year after, like, you've been married for 10 years, of course, you're not going to have that crazy sparks, you know, like, random beginnings, you know, you decrease in a bit of lust, yes, not a bit, a lot of lust, you decrease by your love increases, love increase, that's what marriages have this pond of love. With love, the intimacy comes, this is another point as well. But, you know, if
there's no hidden, there's no inner bond of love, than the mere external, just gratification sexually. And that is a remain, that's why when there is no deep love, which is based on the love of above,
the love of, you know, deal and love of being close to Allah, you know, it's, then the relationships break. So
of course, it will decrease the need to be decreased by age, like, if you're in your 20s and you're different, you get into your 30s is different than your 40s you know, different you know, they say like, you know, the ages, whatever, you might do some research research on this, how active people are sexually actually, recently, I was reading somewhere that actually, you know, older people, you know, more and more being active, actually somewhere and it's in the news as an economist recently. So
it is a little bit different. However, both parties must
work towards nourishing and maintaining healthy sexual relationship. Don't take it lightly. Number one is like you know, things that
become a barrier those things that are like
like that.
Put the spouse off from intimacy, those things need to be avoided. This is like maintaining a healthy sexual relationship. Right. So like being dirty, being
filthy at home, smelly, you know, things like that it's not good. Especially like sometimes when they go outside people, they remain clean and they and at home like because we take it for granted we are neglectful at home because we're just at home, you know, but actually has a very direct impact on your spouse, you know, is the man or the woman is just like always smelly, dirty, but odor of the mouth, but oh, the body, dirty clothing and then you know, all the time just use a dirty, then this is actually going to be very, very negative, very negative
towards this sexual intimacy. And this is why, you know, there's a hadith of the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
he used to do Seawalk brush his mouth, is to brush his mouth, not just for Salah and for wudu. But even when entering the house. I shall be Allahu Anhu was asking, you know, what did he do when he would enter the house? All this heavy is that the initial intent of the interview Salallahu Alaihe. Salam is a collaborator. When the messenger Salallahu Alaihe Salam would enter the house this is a Houston what would what would you do? What would what will he start off with? Like, what was his first action when he would enter the house?
See the Aisha Radi Allahu Anhu. She said this, you
would enter the house and brush the teeth. Why didn't you like pranks? Allah didn't know. Because
why? Because he doesn't want to harm his spouse. He doesn't want to sort of, he wants to have a pleasant smell and allows maybe he's going to kiss his spouse. So now we've just like come out from our side and and some people have eaten anything and onion and garlic and whatever and smoking or whatever. I know, because many models. Good. That's why these things you know, nourishing and maintaining a healthy sexual relationship. It's important to remain teen for men for women, or for Hollister for Eman? That's why Hadith says you know, things like women should, you know, clean their bodies as frequently as possible. When the man is outside or when he's coming back. Then he should
not come suddenly the Hadith says have set aside the labor towards some stashes of shyster share instead of that, so that the woman whose husband has been absent, she can remove her body have pubic hair and the dish a woman can comb her hair, to all these things. Nourishing whatever, like you're 10 years married 12 years married, don't don't neglect it, you know, just look after yourself, look at your look after your health as well. Whether you're a man or a woman, okay, sometimes health wise, it's very difficult, right? Like some sisters they've had given childbirth, etc. It is difficult, but just, you know, don't take it, like, neglect it, don't take it for granted. Doesn't
matter. Like, you know, that's having children, whatever, you know, sometimes look,
I'll be open about it. Sometimes putting in a lot of weight, whether it's a man or a woman, it's not a woman issue or a man issue. It's anyone. It's not it's beyond your control. It's in the hands of Allah, you know, you're not being neglectful, you're trying your best because Islam takes a lot of emphasis on healthy eating healthy diet is actually an obligation that is in the lineage cyclic acknowledges that the canica have only really got a calf, your body has right over you, your spouse has a right to view. You know, one of my teachers, Chef, manly has a Homer, he actually has mentioned somewhere that just like it's hard for you to pray. And because the cause and do hajis
variety, daily exercise and maintaining your health is actually a follow up from the fluoride of Slough. It's an obligation upon every Muslim. This is an obligation one of the fall of Islam. So, as a man to exercise, go for a jog, play sports, healthy exercising or have a healthy body. And as a woman as well, no, don't take it for granted. Like, you know, because it's going to, it's going to affect it's going with maintaining a healthy sexual relationship and nourishing the relationship. It's going against it. Right? So therefore
maintain your health. Like if a woman wife gets really big, I know a lot of men they get put off like they complain that they are super super, like big in her weight. If it looks if it's not in half, you know, because of her own doing and she's trying to look machines. This is not nothing wrong with it. I'm not trying to sort of
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings with this because this is a very sensitive subject because look, you know, it's beyond the control of some people.
So
if you might be hitting another and I'm actually back in an office in a masjid on StackOverflow
it's actually near the bottom here. So that's why
you might hear this probably
Just for this, this hour, it was not supposed to be here, but this was last minute I do it was decided that I deliver this webinar. So these are, you know, the nourishing and maintaining a healthy sexual relationship.
Number two,
painful and indecent acts and thoughts such as pornographic when our graphic material not lowering the gaze, casual and flirtatious interaction with the opposite gender, etc. Generally dampen a healthy relationship. Okay. Now this is a very, very important point.
Very, very important point.
Yeah, it's one of the,
you know,
one of the, this is a second point here, one of the
very like,
one of the most negative
things, one of the things that causes a lot of harm and damage to the intimate to the sexual relationship of the spouses.
Probably the most
the most destructive
aspect to having and maintaining a healthy sexual relationship, or at least in sinful activities, when
it makes sense to
when the man and a woman in marriage, husband wife, when they are
acting upon the teachings of Islam, they have stuck, basically stuck with this third point as well. The one having a connection with Allah helps maintain a healthy sexual relationship, but point two and three are connected. So basically, point two is avoiding the haram. And point three is like the positive aspects of it. This has a direct link has an absolute direct link with the intimate relationship of the husband and wife.
Because marriage is based on the quad, now when we want in a marriage, any of the spouses, the husband, or the wife, either one of them, when they are engaged in sinful activities, when they are engaged in indecent activities.
Any haram, we're talking about any haram that's specifically these those things that have a direct link to the sexualities, the sexuality of the man, the sexuality of the woman in any way, shape, or form, I'm given a few examples here. And I'll give you like one or two other examples as well and one or two scenarios, but this has a direct link, it breaks the marriage, it has a direct link to the sexual intimacy, and then that actually results in a marriage breakdown altogether. First, the intimate, intimate relationship breaks down, you know, that's like, that's why many times when sometimes couples when they like, phone me, or when they talk to me, email me when they talk about
marriage problem. And when they describe certain things, I always ask this question that is the intimate side, okay, as well, many times I say no, that actually, the intimate side has gone a long time ago. You know, like that finished, like, I remember one sister asked, and she said, Oh, well, that's finished, that department and the marriage finished. I said, that's gonna finish of course, all these good things gonna happen. And the reason why that's that side of the marriage, the intimate sexual side of the marriage finished, because that husband has had a that man, that husband had a Quranic illness, disease, of sexual deviancy.
And this is a this is actually more of a male problem, how many marriages have broken down to see how many marriages have been destroyed because of the indecency because of the deviancy if that's the right word, or the because of, you know, like the, this the sinful diseased nature of the man,
sometimes the woman as well, but a lot of the time, this is more of a man issue. Some men, of course, are not chronically they are diseased, they need help seriously, and they should not get married before if they are in this kind of situation, which they should not get married. They should like I said yesterday and of course that before marriage, maybe six months go
through a therapy treatment, because some men are it's a disease and you know, the basic like lots of men, you know, before, before marriage, like things like for example, you know, having multiple relationships. If there's a person before marriage, let's say an example of a man, multiple relationships with had life 678 Girlfriends, clubbing, partying, or whatever, you know, like, and he's been he's having short term relationships here. casual relationships. Yeah. And he, you know, he has this disease of like multiple women, and they love these young people think you know what, when I get married, handy, that's the day I'm the audio for math. But what they realize is after
three days, they go into the same thing of what happened whether you thought you were going to become the value of Allah when you get met.
only because they think, oh, you know what, let me just play around until I get married. When I get married in Shaba, I'm sorted on the wedding of Allah. But what happens that even after the marriage to the point that I know a particular case, and the night before marriage, the guy and this happens the night before marriage, like the guys, you know, is doing is enough. This happens in many non Muslim friends that they go to, they call this something and
there's a name for something they do, and they go like, last time, you know,
I'm not sure what but they, they do something. So, but just before
marriage, people are involved, if they are involved, then
this actually has very negative this is what I tell young people that before you get married, if you have these
sexual problems, then what you do is live a life of Taqwa and live a life of piety, live on live a life of decency, live a life of religiosity, live a life of God consciousness, absolute purity, and live a life of you know,
purity for six months. And once you get a habit, you form the habit of purity of taqwa, of decency, of piety, then get married, don't just go into marriage with all these disease, diseases, and these bad habits. So because it's gonna be destructive to the marriage, if someone has habits such as pornographic materials, etc, this is such an as I think you did, you had a course as well, I think that I can deliver this course I think, if I see it correctly, it was recently or I can't remember when, but I did see something advertised. So I'm sure you, you know, you must have learned if you think this is such a disastrous or such an evil, filthy thing, it actually becomes addictive. And,
you know, it destroys marriages, seriously destroys marriages, because what's happening? Porn gives you this artificial, imaginary image. It's deep. It's, it's like sexual deviancy.
And this is what a lot of what can I tell you, I've had cases, there's so many cases. But when I have in this case is I've met mostly wives and women, but let you know, sometimes, when a wife was doing emails or phones, whatever, I know what she's gonna say, like, she starts off a marriage problems. And then I know she's gonna say, somewhere along the lines.
Yeah, he's having an affair. There's another woman, it's like, it's like every man is nothing like, and that's what I said yesterday, as well, having 60 70% of Muslim married men had something on the side, whether it's, you know,
girlfriend or whatever, like, you know, secret wife, people have all sorts of things. But it's, they have all these things, but not the times. I remember one case, where I could not even believe this. I was like, shocked. And then when I read up on this, then I understood afterwards that the wife was saying that she touches her husband, she's caught her husband, two, three times, that they are sleeping on the bed. Right? sleeping on the bed. And while she dropped off to sleep, she just opened the eyes. And she saw her husband next to her
watching porn and masturbating himself. So to be frank, and relieving himself right next to her in the thing that
I'm thinking this was many, many years ago, constantly, like, what is it is, I mean, how could you even do that? Like, okay, you know, It's haram anyway. But if you can politely understand slightly, not really, but slightly understand that the devil is not married, or like his wife was away for like six months, you know, gone somewhere. And like, you know, this is like the wife sleeping right next to him. And I, you know, I think I asked him, Well, were you on menstruation or anything like that? And she actually remember saying that, let's say no, he refused me. Like, you know, he doesn't have intimacy. Yeah, I remember this correctly, clearly, that he deprives me of my intimate
relations. Like he hardly shows any interest maybe once in a while, but hardly shows interest. Like I catch him when I go to sleep is doing this, like, What's wrong with him? Because this guy is addicted to porn, he can't fulfill his needs. There are people you talk to the medics and you talk to the experts and I've done a lot of research on this. There are people that are husbands or men who find it difficult to study for being frank again they find it difficult to be aroused, they find it difficult to be aroused, they find it difficult to have an erection, okay, they have a problem in that department with their own wife, but if you put porn in front of them, then they have no
problems. Seriously, you do research you will find this if you if they if you put you know like this
Some pornographic material they will able to sort of be aroused
it's really bad that's why this is filthy it's evil on its evolved so the industry has just been is destroyed dunya and destroy your brains destroys your actually destroys your intellect it should destroy your health, your wealth, your everything is just like it's poisonous, right? It's poison. Really for the sake of life you know anybody I'm sure none of no one here is a child involved but if you know someone despite the needy really need help, people need help masturbation as well. It leads to masturbation, masturbation, as well as before marriage, you can have a habit of masturbation and like seriously.
I know a case I know I've mentioned this in many, many marriage courses. Many years ago, there was a brother who came to me, I will demand sat in front of me in the 60s. And he told me, You know what, I've had the habit of masturbation since in my teenage years since I was like 16 1718. And now I'm in my mid 60s. Till today, I still can't stop isolating I'm a father and a grandfather and still have the problem.
Some people think you know what, after we're gonna get married, and somebody was no no, no brother, sister.
You have to stop now. These things will kill off intimate relationship into you know, casual flirtatious interaction with opposite gender, not lowering the gaze, these things have a direct impact. You know, if a man if a husband or a woman but mainly a man, because looking outside and humidity and he's looking at you know, like
nakedness, then that has an impact. He can't have that pure, you know, intimacy with his wife, it's difficult. Because that's based on purity, like your whole mind, you know, because when you're looking at nudity you're looking at your gaze is outside, then some part of your desire your chakra is gone there, you know, you you need, what we need to do in a marriage is we need all of our sexual desire to be focused on our spouse, every bit and every inch of it. That's why they say that some more the pies that people are, like some people say, that's the pious people, you know, they have more sugar more desire, because that's really it's true. I mean, there's no Hadith or whatever, but
it you can use some of the great audio of Allah and that's why the prophets, the prophets, why did the prophets, messenger sallallahu alayhi salam had the most as a hadith to this effect, a call, remember the reference right now, but he has the most, you know, power. That's why he had many wives, because that he was needed because he had the ultimate level of piety. That's why the new piety there is the more sexual desire that is because it's just channeled and used only on the wife. And if it's not used in the life, it's moving on cases here and nudity is there and a fetish is combination there. And a nice joke when another female there and then like, you know, you're
scattering your this just, you know, show off your, you're spreading it out everywhere. Whereas Islam says dedicated fully to your husband fully to your wife, like exclusively, all of it like has to be for the wife has to be for the husband and when he is solely exclusively for your spouse, then inshallah it really, really helps it becomes very fulfilling. That's why the more pious you are to move the say, the more pious you are, the more close to Allah the more you stay away from sins. The more you lower your gaze, the more you avoid flirtatious conversation interaction with the opposite gender, all these things, the more you avoid it, the more sexually active you are with your spouse.
Seriously, the more you avoid things, the more sexually active it lasts with you until a very old age, you know, you could be in your 60s and 70s and mashallah, you know, your sexual life is like, you're amazing still, because all your life has stayed away from things. Nowadays, people they get in their 30s and 40s are struggling in their sexual relationships. Many 34 is like I have young brothers back in the 20s, late 20s, mid 20s, early 20s people struggling Why did you struggle because of all these indecent things that people do? That's why we need to stop all of this. have Taqwa have connection with Allah subhanaw taala build a connection.
Somebody said what was the second point apps I'll answer your question in Sharla and cannot second point abstain from like we have these
fights here from porn formed from pornographic material.
Anything to do with porn, any indecent image, like trying to keep it as low as much as possible today, it's very easy like, you know,
social media, people's pictures, YouTube, you know, just lucky.
indecency comes up. It's a real struggle for all of us, but
We have to really try in your last panel to either make it easy for us.
The next point
is
so, so these are the three places for advice number four, one of the main objectives. These are some advices one of the main objectives in sexual intimacy is to fulfill the needs of your spouse for the sake of Allah Most High, you should be done about it, this is actually very important.
If we want to make our intimate relationships, sexual relationship in a marriage, gratifying and you know, prosperous and beneficial, and really god,
this is brother and sisters do not take this point lightly. This is very important point. This is very important five and six, I'll make it short because we'll have like 15 minutes left.
Very important point. That you know, when we get married, a lot of people think about themselves this is just general in everything. We live in a society we live in, we have this disease, we all Me, myself, and I me, myself, and I everything's like about me. What are my rights? Forget about my responsibilities, like every time why phone that? Yeah. What does it have to do with what are my rights? That husband says? What are my rights like kind of all your rights, think about your responsibilities. And this relates to even the sexual relationship as well. sexual relationships, sexual intimacy, the whole objective, the main objective, if we want to get reward from Allah, this
is this is something that should be done in every aspect of life. We want to reward from Allah, if you want that to be an act of charity, you don't actually, Allahu Allah, it seems, Allahu Allah, Allah knows best. I haven't read this from any commentary of the Hadith book. So Allah forgive me if I'm mistaken. But this came to my mind before once I mentioned it, and this is the second time I'm mentioning it. So you know, the Hadith that says were the messengers of Allah and Islam said that even sexual intimacy with your spouse is sort of a charity. You know, I feel Allahu Allah and that why is that it's charity, because what is charity, charity is benefiting others. Perfume is charity,
because your your, with your good smell, others are benefiting, you give the car to charity, you're helping the poor and needy solidify, these are all charity, you know, you're helping poor and needy people. It's worth you're giving, it's giving. So that charity is all about giving the why did he call sexual intercourse? Charity? A lot of this that I personally feel is because it's about giving. It's not about your own pleasure. It's about giving. One of the main objectives of sexual intimacy is I used to think that you don't want how do I take my husband out of his my wife, you want to read about your own like, pleasure, the whole idea is like, what pleases her like do like this, like
that, you know, it's all about you, wife, and the wife thinks, you know, you know, okay, I'm tired today. But you know, what is my husband love? And he needs his needs? Yes, for the sake of Allah, I am not sure I don't need to know if we have this approaching marriage, that all these problems, like, you know, argument is a race in marriage, there's no raping marriage, and like, there's my husband,
hanging about basic, you know, petty issues in marriage, these things all go away, because you're not thinking about like yourself, you're thinking about the pleasure of Allah for the sake of Allah, it's all about giving sort of, like,
how can I make my husband happy? How can I just be like, as much like, be a means of gratification for my husband, I am there to please Allah, and give information to my husband, in order to please our last panel, Dad, this is the attitude people should have it every aspect of life, it's in every aspect of marriage, and then specifically, even in sexual intercourse. Number five, time is short, it is important to prepare, both psychologically physically for intimate relations with one spouse. This is actually a very lengthy point, but you know, I don't need to explain this. I you know, I pointed out that I have a book on this topic. And I have a whole discussion on the subject, you
know, about preparation, like, so, you could read it there, if you can find it somewhere Inshallah, but like things like preparation, when I think, psychologically and physically, psychologically,
is like, you know,
when when husband and wife when they're planning to sort of have intimate sexual relations, then they should psychologically kind of prepare so psychologically meaning like,
you know, just exchanging words, etc, as the day is coming close to the end, if it's at night, you know, they want to be internet, you know, expressing different words, good words, etc.
Yes, someone's saying PDF book is online. I know it is. And I don't know if the
publishers are really happy with that. Because, you know, there's the copyright so but anyway,
it's to do with the publishers and others but
and this book was filed last
summer
So I gave it to my wedding wedding gift and everyone gives the book to everyone as a wedding gift and I just handled I just got an email yesterday from the sister. There's actually some people who are translated translating it into Russian language as well. It's actually already been translated into Germany. People years ago German, it was translated as published in German and slightly engaged in sexual relations. This is the one sorry, I don't know if I understood if I can advertise. I'm not advertising I have no setting. So this is a book. Actually, I have it with me here. But and then also I know there's been translation I think somebody was doing in Sri Lankan, somebody was in
Indonesian language and somebody was doing it. Italians also been published and and have none of these copies. The people have translated they promised that they're gonna send me a copy but nobody's sent it to me yet. So I don't know what's happening. But anyway, let me just there's no time this
like preparation, psychological preparation, I have a whole chapter and it says here you can see I don't know this is not my daughter, but I don't know if you can see it here. This preparation preparing for sexual relations like you know
preparation of the wife number one I've talked about cleanliness and personal hygiene. So we want to discuss that about you know, body odor, have good never around you remove hair, etc. Number two adornments and beautification. This is all preparation of the life then I've got all the chronic headaches and chronic chronic stresses and habits relating to this
and then
what have you know like preparation like wear nice clothing adorn yourself good presence now fragrance
etc etc. And then
there's also
of course you know, something he needed some ways of preparing and then for the men as well again cleanliness personal hygiene.
The man has to also remember sometimes they notice them some men think that the woman has to adorn herself and you know be clean, man Okay, doesn't have to go to extreme lengths but only themselves that the man has to remain clean and feel otherwise if it's dirty smelly some men think that you know what, I just come in a smell like anything like onions or whatever. And you know, just come from work and I've just had a smoke cigarette and then he wants to jump on his wife is there like a dairy smell coming from his mouth is just as aggressive like how can you influence it to somebody who's had a cigarette so
we think you know, we need to realize these things. cleanliness and personal hygiene is very important to all this type of preparation. There's lots of nice men the things about how to look after your body, your hair, etc inshallah
so, anyway,
and point six is never neglect fourthly, I've already sort of highlighted pointed towards this never neglect folklore. I have a whole chapter here as well. When six foreplay, foreplay is very important. There's actually four plays important and actor intimacy as well as important. Maybe you can have number seven, that's also important, but four plays actually very, very important. And
it's fun good to just look Okay, that's it, you know, sometimes you have more time sometimes you have less time. This is of course sometimes you know,
when you don't, you know, you have a lot of time and it's very relaxed sort of setting it's a weekend for example, then yes, you know, you could have spent a lot of time in
foreplay between husband and wife and you know, having a longer session of intimacy.
And sometimes you don't have that much time but still, it is important not to not to neglect foreplay, foreplay I mean by foreplay is sort of, you know, the acts that precede the actual sexual intercourse, actual penetrating penetration, you know, all the sexual activity that precedes actual penetration. The word verbal expression of love
is also included in this
and there's so many headaches. No, there's a hadith of the messenger sallallahu alayhi salam he talked about this he said to Abraham to the ebook, you know, you should play with with her let her play with you play. And there's another you know, there's a hadith formula other two hoots about play. So for players we discussed a lot. So all the things like I'm sure you everyone knows I don't need to explain all of these things. These things I talked about more in detail the things that really require explanation to this environment, we all know that whatever it is embracing and kissing and hugging and touching and feeling and etc, etc, etc, whatever, you know, it doesn't need
explanation. So, you know, these things like in my book, I've got like,
massaging and cursing and like lots of things based on many evidences of the Quran, sunnah.
And then there's, all of this is announced. Look, remember don't see the point. Again, going back to the first point, do not think that you are doing anything dirty. People only know that how can I do this?
It seems like this is a part of this is quite subtle.
And people need to realize everything will be coming up needed to understand.
Like, how can you do this like some people get involved in this
act of intimacy? Reluctantly, like reluctantly like you
need to do that job. Let's
do it. Now let's get back to stuff. Like, you know, am I even read a structural laughter intimate relationship with
distance? Enough? You're doing an act of, like, enjoy it as well. Nothing wrong like don't don't do it has like, the father actually said to me that I feel very reserved, like I feel I'm doing something like that and not only enjoy it, enjoy it. No, there's nothing wrong with enjoying this act.
No, it's very important. So once you we understand this that we will not neglect or play, we will not deflect, okay. Insha, Allah to Allah.
So all of these things, in terms of foreplay are important.
And
now in terms of rules that are just some brief things, just for five minutes, and it will start to end and we'll take some questions and try to answer some questions in sha Allah who are either
in terms of forbid permitted and prohibited acts. Generally, I've just tried to make this easy. Generally,
most things are allowed with the exception of these 123456786. Okay, I'll just quickly explain this thing, if you want to know the absolute colors of what's allowed and what's not allowed. What's valid, and what's haram. Okay, it is number, generally, everything's allowed.
Okay, generally, everything's about with the exception of these eight things. You might say, well, a lot of things are not allowed. Well, yeah, to an extent a lot of things are not allowed. But if you look at what is allowed, then
you look at what is allowed, then there's lots of things that
you notice, if you look at what is not allowed, then you can see that there's a lot that is allowed. Number one, it says here, sex during menstruation. So this is a whole discussion, sex, sexual intercourse between husband and wife and the wife and so on. Menstruation and number two, you can add it together sex during postnatal reading. Hi, this menstruation, post natal natal reading is
the first you know the blood after that exists of the childhood. During that time, it is haram and it is not permitted to have sexual relations. There is a bit of tech behind this maybe you should learn about it if you don't know. But
like things like you know,
different mothers have different views in terms of like, you know, what is allowed. So many men have, what they do allow is any any sort of deriving benefits and enjoyment from above the navel of the wife and below the knees is perfectly permissible according to all schools of thought. Kissing is all about you know, and touching. Even intimate conceptually. below the knees is all about and above the
navel, it's all in between the navel and the knees, generally has to be avoided. But there are some opinions which are valid even in the Hanafi school as another method based on some Hadith of the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that it is allowed provided it's on top of clouds. Now, the summary of this is that if someone does not feel comfortable they feel that even if we start messing around like on top of clothes, not messing around sorry, because it's charity question is about what if we start to try it? Well, because it's charity but now it's not charity. It's haram right now. Yep, sometimes and active Eva becomes haram I think like why is it haram? Yeah. Do you know can you
first read they know in Amazon when you first if you don't first of all, it's haram if you first don't read this haram the same first became haram and index. So now at sunrise sunset, and it's the right time and the sun is in the middle of Venice, Salah becomes haram so yeah, even salah can become hot on Santangelo. So, actually intercourse is an act of charity either, but yes, at this time Allah has forbidden it is considered to be unlawful. So during high the NIF as it is haram it is sinful. So the hula is like on top of chose to navel and if someone is confident that they will able to control themselves, then fine in that case, you know may be permitted otherwise you should
avoid it. Totally.
Number three, ain't no intercourse. Of course everyone knows this is totally clearly totally, utterly forbidden. It is haram. There's numerous it's in the Quran, like you know, that to heterosexual energy, don't you know many so this is totally haram. Number four, to an extent oral sex. Now what I know this to an extent oral sex. Why I've said this, this is a very important discussion
because
I have a discussion in my book about this, because lots of people ask on this but generally it's best to avoid it, you know, it's generally especially when it's easy, you know, because this is a very explicit discussion we've just entered about oral sex that
generally is best to avoid this because
it's just goes against decency it goes against you know, morality and sometimes these type of things it's more to do with you know, the, what I was talking about earlier on the
deviancy the demon aspects of the brain like you know, people have sort of seen things you know, this is why like some people think that whatever they see outside like they want this is actually not good you know, okay husband wife relationship has to be very good you know, the wife or some people they want their wife to dress like the model they saw like they were
driving pattern on the Billboard. So this light woman dressed in an electric short skirt and some
coffee what was it called? I want to say whatever, short skirts and some things whatever okay, I don't want to say something or whatever but I'm actually not he's got that now he's my I want my wife to be in the bed as well and she's dressed like that and she's this actually is not good. You might think that if you're doing it hello are you making because you're basing it on your image of that woman you know, you see that all sex somewhere outside or something I'd want that to happen and this is going to be negative the relationship between you and your wife has to be real it has to be pure it has to be new and her to imagine someone else's it's actually haram I've got a discussion in
the book emergence neurosis actually has to be pure. If it just happens purely then it's different but it has to be a pure relationships. This is a deeper topic and this needs to be discussed you know random thought about more or to an extent I said because look if if it involves you know, any sort of impurity coming into the mouth and it's totally totally completely haram, it's not allowed in Islam. Okay, without impurity coming into the mouth.
Right if someone does it by avoiding impurity come into the mouth, then there is a bit of difference of opinion. Some says dislike Some say it's allowed and some say still haram that's like, I think the most opinion is that is disliked here and some harm so it's about the dislike, gotcha. Number five, sexually provocative, provocative dancing with music. So as long as this, this you know, like with music, and you know, the dancing of the nude people, again, this is going back to what I was saying, because you're looking at some love dancing, and you want your wife to be a ballet dancer and a love dance for deviances. Like, you know, because then it's, it's a different way you're
approaching your wife, your husband, wife relationships, and then when you get bored of that, today, you want her to be a lap dancer, then you'll be bored of the lap dancer then you want her to be a belly dancer, and then you're bored of the belly dancer, then you want her to be like I don't know, whatever dancer driven dancer and then you want her to be something else and this is sexual image imagination. And it's a very very negative knee your sexual relationship pure it's it's pure without these outside thoughts now that's why look number six point of watching pornographic material together haram so that's definitely haram number seven public display of affection a lot of people
they you know, of course doing any sexual acts is totally haram but again like why do you need to show everybody like okay you know people can me and my husband hold hands with the ruling is that if you're in an area where it's not common then it shouldn't if you're in an area where it's it's okay it doesn't people don't notice it it's not looked at like to be disrespectful themselves. But in most cases I would have avoided like you know, it's not god it's just goes against you know, like you know, muted you know, being loved doing nothing terribly business in your bedroom. You know,
just have a job and niqab and a brother with Sobhan you know, having a beard and holding hands IV lovey dovey contouring eventually
so
and number three is number eight revealing details to others a lot of people have this habit especially on a system like this they don't want to tell you the brand or whatever or you know, we did this and nine we did this and you know what? Didn't and then what did you do? What did you do? Then inside this? Really do? What did you do?
WhatsApp anyway? This is haram to reveal details is absolutely totally have unsexual details we've been talking about. Like he was nice to me and gave me a gift inshallah. But again, don't mention it. Honestly. Keep things to yourself. It's you and your husband, you and your wife, like no, this isn't sort of like it's time to tell people details about yourself, about your personal life. People like to put every aspect of the digital Facebook picture me and my husband, me and my wife, we're doing this. Why do we benefit yourself? That's why trying to make everyone jealous for being jealous of others is haram and to make others