Addressing Marriage Problems

Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari


Channel: Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

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So, that all said no one has even heard that or early he was actually he very

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loud I call him until Yahoo said he did a lot of value nine throw down and find out who I am and I was even earlier than that I mean a lot of learning and help

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the homeless initiate over about perspective brothers and sisters are set to login

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first of all, I would like to thank the organizers

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of this masjid

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and want to know Booker for

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inviting me and arranging this very important forum

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in which will take place in two parts first between mother and brother Aisha and then the second one after Isha and a lot of people will come further after Isha topic.

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Both will be kind of related and you might have seen on the poster

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these topics are very important especially the second one we will talk about autonomy introduce it after Aisha

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I'd also like to apologize that I've had a flu since the last whole week since Monday, Tuesday, and inshallah recovering.

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Since it's quite, quite well,

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then I was in the beginning. So I just lost some health data to give me the ability to inshallah see that which is beneficial for myself on all future life. Marriage related topics, and marriage related talks and lectures and programs and events take place.

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In abundance, there are so many lectures on topics of marriage, many of you may have heard talks on marriage, and not just talks, courses, I myself have taught that the course on marriage and the causal values were like one two hours, like a full day, which is like a half hour course. And two full days.

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A proper marriage course is like 9am to 7pm on a Saturday 9am to 7pm on a Sunday, with 100 pages worth of course notes. So sometimes full two days, sometimes one day, but the cause of marriage, at least I think about 16 or 17 times in the last 1213 years. The first course I taught was in 2005. So 12 Over the last 12 years, in different parts of the country and even abroad many, many different countries are very good Canada and Norway, lots of places.

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I remember, I remember once he was in very detailed thing in Birmingham. So this is a very vast topic. We can talk about different aspects of marriage, different aspects of marriage, the whole course is very detail. But what we're going to do today, inshallah is talk about just two issues.

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And they will cover a lot of things. The first is relating to marital problems, marriage problems, it's so it's for people who are married, as well as people who are not married, so they can save themselves, those who are not married, if they learn about these things, they can take precaution and anticipate and sort of Inshallah, before they get married and make sure that they don't get involved in those kinds of issues. And those who are already married, they can take this advice, inshallah and put it into practice in their marital relationships with their wives or their husbands. So the first issue is about before Isha the hour, we have just under an hour, problems in

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Why do we have many problems in marriage? And I will tell you seriously, it's a big, big problem. Having problems and marital conflicts is a big issue.

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I am in the last 10 to 12 years working in a director and answering people's questions and dealing with people's questions people ask me sometimes I'm friends. What's the topic that we received the most questions on? It's not divorced every week, honestly. And this is likely maybe

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an estimation that at least on average, I receive 10 questions per week. And I think much more than that. I'm just giving a very sort of precocious estimation 10 questions per week

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on marriage problems or divorce issues, marriage issues people ask me so the most common issue that I'm asked about marriage problems every day to the phone calls, whether it's phone calls, whether it's emails, whether it's people just coming and talking to me marriage problems instantly.

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Most common issue that people ask about divorce is the most common questions. Every day, there's three, four or five divorce related emails that are received every day like you get to your wife calling Salonika Medical Center via car services. Now what happens to me is I actually no actually know what that person is going to ask. As soon as that husband or wife starts speaking after first sentence actually know what they're going to say. Because I've heard it, I've heard everything. Like, I will say to her, Okay, this is what it is, how did you know? I don't have any real relief. Okay. But it's, you know,

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you know, where she's going to and what you know what he is getting to?

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So it's a, it's a big problem. There are many, many reasons. First of all, that I've actually just jotted down like 10, I can't cover them quickly. 10 points.

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This is an excellent, this is not just a lecture or tour book, like

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I was saying that it's not for entertainment. Yeah, and I can't do entertainment talks. That's not my nature. Anyway, whenever there's talks, lectures, programs, it's not supposed to be just somebody who's to give gives you a good tool or a good fiery speech, and you just get a buzz and you enjoy it and go for the enjoyment of the moment. And then it's gone. You know, like I said many times before, talks are not an end of end, it's a means we take two programs as an end and become we've done the job when it's finished. No, no, this is just like a small reminder. We take it, we make notes of it, mentally make notes of it, maybe with a pen, we make notes of it. And then we take this and

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implement it in life. That's what all these Islamic programs are supposed to be for. All the lectures or all the programs are just a means, like a small part, then what's the main part to act upon it? Not the actual talk itself is the objective, the matzah. So I have some 10 kind of points, why we have all these marital conflicts and problems. First of all, I would love to say marriage was not supposed to be an easy thing. And it's not it's not easy.

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Marriage is not an easy issue. It's not easy. It's not it's supposed to be difficult. There are so many rewards in the Hadith of the messenger so long, why even send them regarding marriage? There's there's a there are so many Hadith that talk about the value of the virtues. The significance, the importance of marriage, the rewards the merits on marriage Nica so many.

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You don't have time to go through all the Hadith that is so many Hadith and talk about the reward and for the love of marriage. Why there must be a reason I remember once when I was teaching a course, on the I was covering some of these Hadith talking about the rewards and merits of marriage. One of the brothers in the audience asked the question, he said, Can I ask you a question? I said, Yes. He said, I have this thought in mind. So what's that thought? Said? Everything is wrong. When you get to learn we would not have the luck.

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It's all difficult things. They are all difficult things. I said yes. Right. It's true. He said like for example, you can love reward for praying 510 Pros. It's so easy pray five times waking up pleasure. It's difficult to 100 Pray in the middle of the night. So much reward that it's difficult fasting in Ramadan it's not easy it's difficult and you get so much reward and actually this is taken from the Hadith I actually told him I said what you're saying is from the Hadith could you everything no be sure what your project agenda Toby McCurry January's veiled with difficult things. And Hellfire is build with apparently pleasing things. So all the pleasurable things take you to

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jump Jana

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Zilla stealing just sleeping eating whatever you want to tell a middle all apparently pleasurable things take you to hellfire.

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Have you ever thought about this? And all the difficulty difficult things to do the agenda and actually this is not just about Islam, even in life. Listen to this carefree

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even in life, anything good you want in life, it it's difficult. You know when when you want a good healthy lifestyle. You go to somebody and obese, a very fat and I'm very I've got all these heart diseases and all of this. I want a healthy diet. Will the doctor or the dietician will really say okay, you healthy diet. It's lots of sweets, lots of chocolates, lots of you know, sugary things and all the cakes and all the, you know, things you'd like, you know, you have to eat things you don't want to eat. All the tasty things you have to avoid in order for a good healthy life. Why does it you know, I was thinking to myself, why is it a good day to cakes and sweets and biscuits chocolates

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or crisps and drinks? Why not? That's the whole system of the world. So likewise, indeed. Jana the Hajj.

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Ruth's fastings God, how much harder difficult things jahannam. Alcohol, poor Zina, stealing, sleeping anytime in a lot of breaks or doing whatever you want to do.

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This is this is a system. So this brother was saying that I've understood this. But one thing doesn't make sense to me. Marriage is an exception.

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The question was marriage is an exception. It's so pleasurable, gently gives you so much reward.

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I said to him, Brother, can I ask you a question? Are you married? Is it No, that's it. That's why you're saying this.

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He wasn't married, he thought marriage in itself actionable, of course pleasurable, but in America, so useless. It's difficult. And that's why there's so much reward. So the first point, we have to understand that marriage was not meant to be easy. It's Mujahidin struggling, striving is difficult. It's hard. It's not just like, you know, because people who are not married before they get married, they think, you know, marriage is really heavy, and my wife and me and my husband and we're just gonna relax and just go hotel and go bedroom and do this. And you know, we're just gonna look at the stars and just hold hands all night long, and all day long. And, of course, all of these things are

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there. But then that is babies in his nappies in this Tesco and then disaster, and then there's electricity bill, and then there's gas bill. And then there's this, you know, buying a house and not buying a house and then you've got one child there, you know, vomiting, and then the other one down the toilet saying, Come on, wash me and come on another one done a nappy, and no one. It's not easy. So courage is a difficult aspect of life. And therefore, until we do not actually take it as an important aspect of life that we need to work at. And do it for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala isn't reviled Islam marriages are their brother. Just like fasting as a brother praying is another

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the garden marriage rights of husband and wife isn't required. A lot of times people say why don't we just talk about marriage or sexual relations etc. The reason why we talk about these things is because they're part of Islam in Islam. There's no separation between masjid and Nica. There's no separation in Islam. So, anyway, this was like an introduction, that it is difficult, and we have lots of issues why we have all these problems now. So this is the introduction. We understood marriage is not supposed to be easy. It's difficult. There's lots of reward. But there are many reasons why we have conflict. So many divorces. I don't know what the average year is right now. But

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I'm not alone. I was in a very good Canada once. Somebody said one in three Muslim marriages end up in divorce, one in three, and probably is going to wanting to,

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like 50% of marriages are breaking, breaking down breaking, you know, there's a breakup of marriage. Every two people, one person ends up in divorce. It wasn't like that before. Some of we've got some, you know, elderly people here. It wasn't like that before our parents and forefathers, grandparents. They were living blissfully in a very fertile 85 years of age. Seriously, even even the non Muslims of this country. I once was talking to an old man in his 70s. He's been married for many, many longer, early years. And he was saying to me that yes, today's generation, nobody can stay in a marriage, we, you know, showed how to live a marital life. In the 50s and the 60s, even the non

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Muslims in this country, they lived happily in marriages and the sustained marriages. Now, it's very difficult.

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It's very difficult. People can't stay in a village why? There's a reason and there are many reasons and I will just talk about some of these issues.

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First point, keep these points in mind inshallah. First point is that

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people when they get married, we fail to realize that there is a difference between a man and a woman. This is for the Koran and Sunnah. And this is also proven by the experts.

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You might have read the book, men from Mars and women from

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Venus, men from Mars, Women from Venus, what does that mean? There's a whole book written in English I read that book. A lot of good things in that book, shows there is a major difference psychologically, mentally, emotionally, physically, between men and women. Not just between men and women, every human being is different from another human being.

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I am different from you, you are different from him, he is different from him. You will all look differently. Every single one of us here looks differently. Every one of us thinks differently. The my idea may not be your idea. Your idea is different to his idea. We all we can have an issue here and you could have 200 opinions, because after love inside is different. Every human being thinks differently.

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Even our fingerprints are different. That's what they say, go to the airport fingerprints, because that's how Allah greeted us.

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So we are all different. Imagine every human being is different. And in marriage when it's two opposite genders, hopefully. So when it's two opposite genders, it's a man and a woman marriage, not a man and a man or a woman or a woman from you know what I'm saying that are free. So it's a man and a woman marriage, then not just that you are two different people, the two different genders. Now, the differences are even greater.

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differences are greater because a woman is psychologically mentally and physically created differently by Allah subhanaw taala, from a man and a man is created differently from a woman.

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There are major differences. We fail to realize these differences. When a man gets married. He just thinks like he's been living a bachelor lifestyle with his friends. He thinks another meet in the house as well. And that guy stuff she showed her friends. Come on, let's just, let's just deal with her. Like, she's one of the main things.

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There's a big difference. You can talk to your wife, when you talk to your friends. You might say something to your friends, and he might just give me a little tap on the back. You say the same thing to your wife, I should probably cry for three weeks. Because she is emotional. She's fragile. She's different. Likewise, the woman the way used to talk to a friend, a female for two hours, you know, talking about something you can't expect your husband for two hours to listen to all the boring details. Yeah, this, this happened, okay, that happened. This happened, okay. For two hours, men can talk for that long. So both parties need to realize that there is a difference between men

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and women. Allah has created both of them differently.

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And this is actually taken from a hadith is a famous hadith of

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Sofia Hadees previously where the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said Allah to God, there are a a woman is like a rib in according to her conservator, when he's done data, Bihar is the data we have Athena, I watch. A woman is like her rib. If you want to, if you try to straighten her up, you will snap her. If you want to benefit from her then benefit from the her like she is. Well, if you have a budget, and there's this crookedness in her now, sometimes people misunderstand this honey, I actually just picked up these two books. These are two of the books that I wrote. And one of them is this if you can some this is an old book, but it's like 40 habits on marriage, all of

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them with commentary, I don't have them as often you'll find it somewhere online or whatever, in some shops. So but in there I've talked about this, there's a hadith

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33 where this hadith specifically explained that a lot of times people misunderstand this hadith. And they think

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that this hadith is encouraging

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the man to realize that the woman is different from you. You know that someone knows that. They attack Islam or they say the Messenger of Allah Islam campaign a man to sorry, a woman to a crooked rib? No, no, no, this is trying to tell the man that from a man's angle, the woman may seem different to you.

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The beauty of the rib is in it being bad. That's not right and degrading a woman. If you know the beauty of a woman is in her being more emotional, more fragile, more gentle, more emotional. The man has been told that's right. Another Hadith says that. Therefore cheater women, well, because she is different from me. If you try to straighten her, if you try to make her a man, you will snap. One of the major root cause of marital problems is the man wants to wants his wife to think like him act like him eat like him drink like him walk like him. You probably can do everything like you. That's not gonna work. You've married a woman is sometimes we forget the husband's if you forget you're

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married a woman. Take the suit. Hi, you had an Ritas we are married woman right?

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Just remind us that you married a woman. We'll tell you why. You know, I am a woman just put it on your forehead sticker. I have a woman fragile handled with care because a lot of men forget. We need constant reminders. She's a woman she's not a man. And the woman has to also remember that I've married a man. So this hadith is saying that look from a man's perspective Shema seem different. You bent in his head it means to be different, like from your angles is different to you. To us is different.

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For her being that is perfectly fine, as in the beauty of the home

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Like, like the beauty of the rib is it being bent? The beauty for a woman is being more fragile and more emotional.

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I'm sure some of you who are very you loaded, like women are very emotional. Sometimes women cry, you know, you ask them why they're crying. They don't, they don't want to cry. I feel like crying to me, what's the reason? There's no reason why she's crying for what reason is like, the man doesn't get into, but that's what the issue is that she's a woman. And if we don't realize this, then we're going to have marriage problems, because you're going to say, oh, you know, you cry for no reason. But that's it, you know, she's a woman. So you have to have several patients. So there are many, many differences between men and women. And both parties have to understand these differences, not

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understanding the opposite gender

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is a major cause for marital problems. Okay, and there's some notes that I made from that book as well once. There's lots of things that are different.

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Like for example, I talked about this, even the way men and women talk, men on literalist in the way they talk women are not determinists.

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Do you know what that means? Sometimes a woman might say to you,

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you've never taken me out to eat. That means that it's about time we need to go, it's been about two, three weeks.

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Understand that, like, if you're a man, you don't have to be diplomatic, someone, she doesn't mean it.

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She doesn't mean that you never showed up. That's the way a woman talks we have if you don't understand that, then you're going to have problems in your marriage.

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So therefore, we need to understand there are differences between men and women. And we have to have several patients, the woman needs to understand the job how the man is, the man doesn't want to be controlled.

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You know, the man doesn't like to be told

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what to do or what not to do. If the man is driving and things are wrong. Turn on his wife says, You took a wrong turn. This is a better way. It's a no, no, he knows it's wrong not to have taken the other way. You don't know. Like, don't tell me I'm like he doesn't like to be controlled. So the woman needs to understand this. This is the main ego This is the main issue that he doesn't like to be controlled by his wife and told this is wrong. And this is right. And you need to go this way. Both parties need to understand these inherent psychological or physical differences are was created both men and women differently. Look, there's equality. Of course there's equality in Islam. Men, I

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mean, aside from income in decorado, the Quran also always says man or woman, whoever is more close to Allah, fearful to Allah will be more noble and close to Allah subhanaw taala. In the last a minute, what was the meaning of carnitine according to Saudi?

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Man, praise woman praise, you don't get more reward just because you're a man or more reward because you're a woman. So there's equality. But there's differences. A lot of times people misunderstand. They confuse equality and similarity. These are two different things. There's equality in Islam, but not similarity.

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There's equality, but there's one similarity men are different. Two men give birth to babies. No, I mean, you know, some women they think equality means similarity. You might just in 10 years, you might have been watching Huddersfield, saying, we've been all these various women coming on and saying it's not fair. Why do we get pregnant women should get pregnant as well? Why do we get menstruation we want equality.

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There's differences, similarity. There's just similarity, but there's equality. In the sight of Allah, you fast as a man or woman, you don't get extra reward because of the agenda. But there are differences. So we really need to understand these differences.

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Finally, on this point, just to recap this, that the man needs to realize that the woman is emotional, she's gentle, she has to talk sometimes have somebody if she don't offer advices if she for instance, sometimes a woman when she's asking something, she doesn't really want to solution straightaway. Like she's saying, you know, this happened this happened. Okay, do that. Like for a man say, okay, yeah, it just make sense. As you said one on one is to just okay if you're saying this, but she doesn't know this. No, no, like this. I just said don't do that. You know? That's what

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she doesn't want you to give her one minute solutions. This happened. Just do this. We'll just do that. She just wants you to hear sometimes just Oh, really? Okay. Okay. Oh, just listen, like for half an hour even if you think it wasn't because pretend you're listening. No brother. She just wants a half an hour someone just listening and then maybe just talk about it. Okay. And as long as there's no sinful talk, I know Heba you have to try to chain your wives and your husband's zebras are on the other night just, they just want somebody to talk to that's why when they don't talk when their husbands don't talk to them. They'll pick up the phone and talk to a friend. Two hours.

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Talking about something because the husbands don't talk. That's why then they feel that emotional aspects somewhere else. So women want somebody just to talk to, they don't want advice straightaway. Women need so many to understand this, that women are gentle, emotional, fragile, they just need to talk, some or all of that the women need to understand, men need to be given the respect, and mere men need to be given that position or not be controlled, and not to be told what to do. This is these are the main differences. But there's quite a few other difficult differences as well between men and women. The way both of them sort of cope with stress how women's cope with stress how men

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cope with stress, you know, all of these things,

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you can read and read upon them. So that was the first reason why we have problems because people forget this, that men and women are different. Number two, because time is very short. This is very important. This is actually a connection to the first point. One of the reasons why we have problems in marriage in these day in this day and age, and in our times more like I was saying than the earlier times is because gender roles have been mixed up.

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What do I mean by gender roles are the next in the earliest times whether they were Muslim or non Muslim men or men. They acted like men, they played the role of men and women were women, they acted like women, and they played the role of women, men or masculine. Women were feminine. men knew their role and they place women knew their role and their place. Now, and that's why Islam says is a perfect balance. A man and a woman is a perfect jigsaw puzzle. They both complement one another. They don't compete with one another. They complement one another perfectly. You put them two together and you have a perfect couple. But right now, the man has lost his masculinity. The man

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sometimes is no longer playing the role of a man has become harmful for a woman because from everything from the clothes he wears, from the way he thinks from the things that he does. Everything the man has become hot woman, as a woman no longer has remained a full woman and femininity in her. She from the clothes she wears from things she does, she's become a half man. Now instead of having a man marrying a woman you've got a half man and a half woman, half man and half woman and you've got a clash of civilizations who crashed off you know two people and that's why we have these problems gender roles are mixed up. This is why Islam says that men have a specific role

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a woman has a specific role to play Allah subhanaw taala cricket men and women and he knows best what the rules are. If Allah said this is the role of the woman that this is the role of a woman if Allah said this is the role of a man and this is the role of the man we the maxim of the league the remarkable objective of creation we ask Allah subhanaw taala it's not about one gender being better than the other gender it's about differences like I said in the first point and roles have been given based on that the differences like I said this point is connection of the first point the because there are different different roles that are given like for example if I have have some work

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in my office I have a business and I have two brothers coming to me one day two friends sitting in the office two friends just really surprised me and can say you know what, we want to help you come on give us some jobs I said okay, of course I was wishing making two hours and somebody you know as soon as you walk in the office I have all these boxes and these cupboards and heavy things to lift and take them to the first floor you know upstairs and then I've got so much paperwork accounts to be done here. One of them is a big heavy bodybuilder you know very powerful very strong one friend of mine but he's has a weak memory and brain is not that sharp and clever normally.

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But anyway because all the power goes in other parts of the body the brain is weak or the body is amazing. And the other guys like a stick you go to a falls down but his brain is amazing. Now what I say okay, okay, perfect balance and all the boxes, who's going to give them

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the guy who's a bodybuilder very powerful, strong, no brain, and the one who's got nobody but amazing brains sit on my table. We do all accounts. If I say okay, the one who's got the brains and nobody you lift all the boxes. And the other one I'll say you that a bodybuilder with no brains do that counts. It's like rolling and mixing up the rolls. This is both of them have a quality, Allah has given medicine certain qualities, women certain qualities is hard about one is better than the other one has one quality that has one quality, another different quality. So these are because of differences. The gender roles are different. Allah has made roles differently for both men and

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women. The role of a man is to be the breadwinner. The role of the man this is why in Africa in the olden times, wives used to depend on their husbands. This is one of them not

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The movies you don't work with one of the reasons is motherhood is not only you know a feminist because we have a family we have the gland working the woman working and the children are poor, then they are looked after by the nanny.

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Not the nanny, Nanny. Nanny that is good. At least you know your mother's mother. My nanny is looking after downtime for the children, the Madison rose, the woman is somewhere else and no longer nobody, the woman doesn't depend on that anymore. Like okay, so what

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the roles are completely different and the man is no longer being the responsible man of providing Nevada to Kuranda Regina for

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you all about, they will be bothered for whom you

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are one who plural of Bilaam the man is a caretaker other boss is not the boss. He was someone who is in charge who takes care with affection with love, you know, somebody who manages the affairs of the house. So these are gender roles that we really need to understand these are today we live in a time you know, we look at the rights of husbands and wives you know, there's so many rights of the husband right to the life of Mike we talk about his in marriage courses. But there's one ultimate right which is for the wife and one for the husband for all the right if you want to sell someone some job, the major right of the wife which the husband needs to fulfill hers, the major right does

00:31:24--> 00:32:16

enough of this financial support and many other things. The main one is based on her gender characteristic is being ultimately caring and loving towards. That's the main right? The man has to be extremely harsh. You have numerous verses of the Quran and Hadith to talk about looking after the man the woman Jen being gentle, being caring, being affectionate, looking after her needs, you know, treating her with ultimate love care, adoration, emotional help and support. A woman needs to have ultimate adoration and respect towards her husband. Any marriage listen to this carefully in any marriage where they husband looking for where a wife loses respect for our husbands and marriages do

00:32:16--> 00:32:17

do for failure.

00:32:19--> 00:33:03

Some women say that he needs to earn his respect. I see no, you're not. The man doesn't need to earn his respect. Yes, the man must not use his respect is different. You don't get married and say okay, now one year I'm going to earn your respect. Now, as soon as you get married, Allah has said you respect him a lot through Nikka has given him respect. But yes, the man must not act child as a child and not act and Islamically or not become such that when a woman loses respect, yeah, the man must not lose his respect, but he doesn't need to earn it. So the ultimate drag of the husband is adoration, Emile he is considered to be a mirror of the household. In Islam, every area where there

00:33:03--> 00:33:47

are few people you need to have an Emile the Hadith says even when you're traveling or point, you forgot to point in a meal but you already aren't going to meet anywhere automatically. We have to appoint an Emile This is a sunnah. Why? Because the Amin he takes martial art consults, final decision is up to the immune anywhere where the person the help loses respect, then you know that any job you have an industry you have a factory or a business, the past loses his employees. That's it failure. Anyway. Well, so the main guy lose respect than the destruction whenever that's why we have to have someone the wife must realize that this is my Emile ultimate adoration because of for

00:33:47--> 00:33:56

Allah, His Messenger of Allah but even sooner after Allah His messenger so a lot of what he said before a woman is like nobody's better than my husband on planet earth.

00:33:57--> 00:34:05

And the husband, there's nobody worthy of my love, care, attention, emotional health and supporter ultimate carry.

00:34:07--> 00:34:35

This this these are gender, major gender roles. And most important, that's why women, men need love to be respected. When I say respect, of course men need respect and women and women. If you look in different contexts, the word respect in English can mean too few different things. But this is why I'm explaining this. If you're talking about etiquette, and other than of course, you have to treat each other with respect. But this is considering what you know, in the olden times, women used to be submissive.

00:34:37--> 00:34:59

Women used to be submissive. There's actually another whole book written on this topic. There's a book called submissive surrender, the surrendered wife, you can buy it. There's also a website. You know, there was a there was a woman in America, non Muslim, I think just points to the life. I've mentioned this many times. My name was Lauren Doyle. She used to have a lot of marriage conference because she was one of those feminists now. That's another problem. Feminism is a big issue. Now

00:35:00--> 00:35:38

As you look at feminism, it's a massive issue. Big issue, you know, like, if if feminism means that men need to cheat the women well, of course then that's fine. Islam says there's nobody's given more Cheesman good treatment to women than Islam. Yes, so many so many Hadith of the messengers of Allah when he was sent him that talk about how to teach you will you need enough care attention? But if feminism means that the moment is like, you know, controlling the man, it's gone to the other end. Now, you know why this has come about because for many, many years, the women who are oppressed you know, whenever something is a reaction, then it goes to the other extreme. So for many, many years,

00:35:38--> 00:36:09

women have oppressed them, no, they stood up now they are passing the men. And this feminism, you get this nowadays, women are very feminist, some of them like, especially in North America, I remember once many, many years ago, I went to a program, there's a massive conference in Toronto in Canada. And my talk was about rights and husband on the rights of wife, I talked for one hour, 45 minutes, I talked about the rights of the wife, 45 minutes, 15 minutes and talked about the rights of the husband, straight off the top, a lady came running after me. I don't agree with what you're saying, you know, respect the husband, there's all this hadith I mentioned Hadith, because I don't

00:36:09--> 00:36:44

believe in Hadith, the Hadith of the messenger so well, what he was saying, and that says that any woman who, you know, pays a halftime praise and fast and makes her husband happy. She would enter Powdersville for whichever door the whole agenda with a baggy shirt. Oh, what is all this or whatever the husband you know? You know, what can I tell the gender everything? What about the husband, you know, this house submissiveness is gone. And because of that, like I said, you've got a half nun and a half woman, America, half men and half woman, the first point. So this woman you're doing she was a feminist like she used to control her husband misery. Marriage is like completely

00:36:44--> 00:36:55

misery problems in marriage, lots and lots of wonderful marriage. And she was saying you don't want I want to become submissive, completely submissive, surrender myself, and GGJ. What

00:36:57--> 00:37:03

will you say I have for you? Why do you want a muse? You won't do this. You won't do this.

00:37:04--> 00:37:16

She started doing that our whole marriage changed. Because my husband became extremely loving, caring, like his goes the extra yard to make sure that I get everything I want. She said I could never be happier in marriage.

00:37:18--> 00:37:20

She told her friend was having marriage problems.

00:37:22--> 00:37:58

She started in the same her marriage was transformed. She told her third friend, because these are all American women, all of them like wearing the trousers in the house. So she changed her way. Her marriage is now prosperous, till the fourth friend. Actually, slowly, slowly, this is like 70s or something, slowly, slowly became a home group and they call the surrendered wife cut. We are surrendered. And then she wrote a book called The surrendered wife. You can order it online, read it. I actually read that book. Every chapter of the book reminded me of Hadith of the messengers and

00:37:59--> 00:38:16

you know, chapter one will pay your husband on Chapter Two, respect your husband, chapter three, all these chapters the way she talks how a wife should actually know somebody. I mentioned this recently, somebody a sister from she lives, she's an American sister Muslim. She lives in Jordan.

00:38:18--> 00:38:55

She called me about two or three months ago. And she said, she said that I've actually started a company, it's their business. So I don't normally mentioned because people tell me I don't I'm very careful. Because, you know, for business, you don't want to advertise it in an Islamic way. But she said if you can, Inshallah, you know, I started doing business where I'm mentoring and tutoring and helping Muslim wives to be submissive to their husbands. She got I went through two years I trained with Laura, Dona, the one who wrote that book, but because she's not Muslim, so I added the Islamic flavor to it. And I started this company with my husband and actually trained model. So if you have

00:38:55--> 00:39:07

people in Sharla, tell them direct them to my website of good causes, and I teach them how to be submissive to your husbands. I kind of remember that website, etc. And I know she's emailed to me. So she's almost

00:39:08--> 00:39:10

American Muslim woman, but she lives in Georgia.

00:39:12--> 00:39:39

So you have this submissiveness, gender roles man has to remain a man and the woman needs to remain a woman does feminism is really creating a massive problem in our societies a massive problem to the point now people are so confused. I was reading up on this so confused that feminism has gone to another level. There are you know all these things. I recently had a talk somewhere

00:39:41--> 00:39:59

in Tennessee and I forgot to close it because a place Rochdale which is closed I don't know too far from here. We had a talk on atheism last month or the month before and I actually talked about how all these things are related. nowadays. You can people will be somebody that a woman will be a feminist, agnostic or atheist. You

00:40:00--> 00:40:38

Hey bro lefty, vegan, like, I will right activist all of this in one right? And sexually, they are now considering themselves to be. They don't they do not agree with having monogamous relationships like there's not one man can control me, I'm open to having multiple partners, many feminists are actually now going into the lifestyle of whoever I want to have three, four men are different, you know, at one occasion, I'm not exclusively for one person, because I'm a feminist. Nobody can control me, this ego comes,

00:40:39--> 00:40:46

you know, and it's really crazy. And atheism is associated with it. All of these things are together. So

00:40:48--> 00:41:25

we need to realize this that gender roles, the man must, at the same time ensure that he is the man, the man says to the wife that look at the man the Messenger of Allah isn't divided. Say that, are you gonna be bothered, he said, You go outside the house and work, be the breadwinner. And say the 14 out of your loved one Ha, you stay in the house, be your mother, the greatest lover, a woman is being a mother. There is no greater makan for a woman than being a mother. Our sisters are here listening, if anyone tells you you're back home, or you somehow not doing anything in life, because you chose to stay at home and look after your mother, then tell that person you know, sorry.

00:41:26--> 00:41:59

This person is not worthy of any consideration. They could be. There's no better, there's no better choice. If you want to call it a chore. There's no better activity than being alone. And looking after your children. If anyone tells you you're back home, because you're staying at home, let them say that because they want to spoil their lives. They want to spoil their lives, they want to spoil your life as well. You can tell you ask them you don't want I'm going to wake up at 10 o'clock in the morning, have a shower, get ready have breakfast room Effetre relaxed, and I cook my meals I clean the house and look after the children are gonna stay at home. You go and bring all everything

00:41:59--> 00:42:16

paid for everything. This is what Islam says no problem. That's what Islam says. If you want to contribute hamdulillah if you don't want to, you don't have to pay a penny. Because this is what the Islamic rule is never our financial support is exclusively on the husband.

00:42:17--> 00:42:54

But then at the same time, remember that if your husband can't take you every other month to Dubai, then you continue to have to divide. Because you know, this is another problem like you will be one to live. We want to live a lifestyle with you know all these luxuries. And then they cause problems. We want to build massive houses but no homes. We have no time for our children. Because we want to live a you know like a massive house. Real peace. Contentment is in a smaller house, be together as a family give time to one another. We don't have enough time for our children. That's another topic altogether. I've got a course coming up somewhere. rights of children, how to treat our children how

00:42:54--> 00:43:32

to give them time. So anyway, times the children are given time. This was only the second point. I'm going to just quickly mention some other points. Point number three. Another reason why we have marital problems or conflicts and divorces and marriages end because there's too many expectations before marriage. Expectations. People delay marriage because of children expectations are so many there's nobody perfect in the world. That's what it says live for me. No no. No husband. No mean he refers to husband. No husband should dislike his wife in Canada Bill her hook on Rodia when hahaha. If you just have one character trait of your wife, there's so many other things to be happy about.

00:43:32--> 00:44:06

If she can't cook, well, then she's very good at cleaning the house if she's not cleaning the house, and you're very good at talking to you, because everyone has the husband, right? Are they good at one thing but good at the other thing. So less expectations, nobody's perfect. You will never get anybody perfect. This is what marriage is striving and struggling. There is no perfect. Nobody will be perfect. You know, before we get married some women like they think oh, you know, because the Washington has Bollywood movies and everything. But I get married and my husband will be the Prince Charming. And the company looks to me on my head, this and that. And you know, it's all in the

00:44:06--> 00:44:44

movies are for the movies. Basically, that's what it is acting. That's not reality. It's not real life. And likewise, a husband thinks Oh, when I get married, she's going to do this. And this is everything. No one expectation and generally this is a point in life. If you want to be happy, low expectations, our expectations are only for Allah subhanaw taala and not with anybody else. If you have lower expectations, you will never be disappointed in love. One of the other on so many robots in this land, the major ingredient to be content and happy and peaceful in this life is to low expectations from the mahalo from the creation of Allah. If you give somebody something don't expect

00:44:44--> 00:44:59

anything in return. If they did something good back in return from the Rila. I wasn't expecting you'd be happy that I was expecting that if they didn't, that's normal. Don't expect anything. And this is actually another point which I think I was going to talk about it make it real to this point is that even in marriage

00:45:00--> 00:45:14

There's no expectation from your spouse when you are good to your spouse. This is the main this. What I'm seeing right now is the summary Hadassah for this session and the next session. This is something I want to take with me and want you to take with you.

00:45:15--> 00:45:52

Generally like you need to do this. This is so important in a Salah team and also key over here I have learned a little bit on Muslims prayer, fasting, the God living death, every breath is only for Allah. Everything we do with the glasses ready for the sake of Allah. When you are in a marriage you marry for the sake of Allah for reward for from Allah leveraging everybody. When you are good to your wife, you do it for the sake of Allah when you are good to your husband, you for the sake of Allah, if you smile at your wife for the sake of Allah, you pick your children up and give them hugs and kisses and you know, love. So now the messengers are along reasonably well for the sake of

00:45:52--> 00:46:07

Allah. If we do that in marriage, you know, it's become a transaction every time you know, someone calls me. husband says, oh, yeah, I do do do this, I do this I do this, but she doesn't do this. I said, Well, what are you waiting for like a transaction? Was this a business contract? Like,

00:46:08--> 00:46:48

every time the wife says, I do this, I do this I do this but he doesn't do this. It's like a transaction I always say to people forget what they do. You when you go and ask Allah when you see all the rewards you probably think I wish he never did nothing for me. Look at the rewards you've got you do it for Allah sake. Every aspect of your good dealing with your wife is only for the sake of Allah. nothing in return. I was nice to know she must cook me a good meal. No, no, no. It's for the sake of Allah don't expect anything from your spouse. These two expectations are a massive problem. Everything you know if we live a life like this, where we do things for the sake of Allah

00:46:48--> 00:47:34

and don't wait for any recompense, or anything in return, and the world would be a much better place to live. If we take this in life. And marriage is no different. It's always about your spouse. It's all about the other person. It's all about you. We live in a time where it's all about me. Me myself. My food my biryani my chicken my curry my feeding pressed my love my service. My there's my this is all about me. We go into marriage. What am I going to get in marriage? No, no. What am I going to get in marriage? Marriage should be what am I going to give? It's not about solo but how much care how much attention how much looking after? How much? How much love how much attention? How

00:47:34--> 00:48:00

much? What kind of how can I get reward from Allah? This is a means to intergender when I get married. I will I've got 200 300 phone every day, every minute every second means of entering gender. Look for ways Oh let me do this for my wife. Let me do this for my husband. I want to get gender forget no no you don't do anything for me. I'll do everything for you. You mentioned husband we're fighting under Utah. I'll do it no, no, I'm going to do

00:48:01--> 00:48:17

imagine what an amazing marriage law would be. This is what we need to take everything make it for the other person. So this was a third point why we have problems in marriage is that too much expectations now before we move in, as I said I had 10 points but I don't know if just five minutes just trying to summarize.

00:48:19--> 00:48:43

We have a lot of times in maturity especially this is a point more connected to men and to many mature men. Sadly we live in a time with our 14 year olds with the extra four years you know it's a big issue other women tell them say this to me that you know we find problems with husbands when they get married 22 year olds but they've not grown older than five so immaturity been living a bachelor lifestyle

00:48:44--> 00:49:22

and still want to live a better lifestyle and being immature creates massive problems. So try to be a bit intelligent have some sometimes honestly it's easy when you look at people the intelligence the icon the brain the maturity it's sad, we live in a time where honestly from a maturity and mental point of view is really dwindled. It's going down you know, sometimes you look at some comments like on social media, telling people acting like children when you got a 25 year old man acting like a two year old you know, there's I'm not saying don't have fun in life. You're being pleasant. Be nice. Jen Of course, Hadid say the messiness of aloneness. And also, Joe can be

00:49:22--> 00:49:59

pleasant with their spouses with friends. But sometimes it's hideous the way people act, childish, extremely challenged, there's no seriousness. We have real hunger that was not created to be foolish and challenge people. We are serious people. We are all people are fun. This dunya is not just for fun, we are serious people. We've got things to do in life, you know, utilize your time and we need to be serious people in life. So even in marriage at all these serious number five, big issue interference of outside people. Family members, especially in Islam says when two people are married only they are married today.

00:50:00--> 00:50:22

already from here is going to bring the data from their great granddad from day one very great grand ma from here you know give you support the lead let them live their life this is a big massive Asian subcontinent problem when there's a problem everyone wants to get involved uncle wants to be happy and Grandma wants to be happy there. Where's my writer with this and everyone and the people themselves?

00:50:23--> 00:50:31

You know every small issue you get other people involved your husband in the spotlight you pick the four among movers will do this pile of

00:50:32--> 00:51:13

corn you know, camping, grow up your wife. No, you don't. Every Monday morning and night phoning and volunteering every small detail about your life. That's not right. You have to let other people not interfere the interference of other people, family members and friends is a massive issue that creates problems, even friends. And I should eat this hadith that talks about the one who turns the wife against the husband when you are asked other people outside the marriage to give you advice but men too hastily turn someone against their wife or their husband is a massive since haram in Islam. You know, so many people in the system call another system. Oh, he follows you Have you counted

00:51:13--> 00:51:15

losses that draws your division?

00:51:16--> 00:51:44

Okay, if she's getting beaten up and abused, etc, then you say of course that's not right. And then take means but sometimes like every single issue, like even even even like you're actually wanting to giving them or support to leave the wife will utilize interference from other people, you should try your utmost best to say no, no, no shoulder to summer, this will work out this way that we try to solve this try to help people to maintain marriages happen above and beyond.

00:51:45--> 00:51:46

Halloween in a

00:51:47--> 00:52:24

divorce is permissible, but it's one of the most disliked things. According to Allah subhanho. Medina, number six expectations from in those living together, this is a big issue as well, I wanted to talk about this. But in those expectations, the massive issue again, sorry, I might say some things and he might be culturally, you know, not right. And, you know, politically incorrect to say in some of our communities. But Islam says clearly that, you know, when a husband and wife get married, the wife doesn't have no responsibility towards the Mother, no, father, no, no, she's not her parents, she could just treat them like, you know, uncles, aunts, parents, but she doesn't have

00:52:24--> 00:52:47

to do anything whatsoever. She does not have to lift a spoon for her father in law, she doesn't she's not sinful whatsoever. If she does do something, then there's reward when there's something that's recommended, or she gets rewarded, that needs to be appreciated. A mother in law must not demand and extract anything from a duty now, if they don't even know does something they should

00:52:48--> 00:53:23

know because you don't have to do it, but you're doing it. So she'll appreciate it and you don't appreciate it the Remove, the wife will actually do more because the mother in law is appreciating knowing that she doesn't have to do it, but she's doing it. So there should be no expectation from him, us even living together many alumni from the subcontinent, Whatever shall be tangled Allah this many, many, many years ago in his 30s. And he actually wrote in many of his books that in our time, my advice is, as soon as you can marry 20 children to live separately, don't let, don't let them live with you in the same house. Many books you wrote about this. And actually, it's one of the

00:53:23--> 00:54:00

rights of the wife. If she wants a separate place, then the husband has to live separately. That doesn't mean you go in Jupiter and live, you know, then you'll never be able to see your parents. Someone says I'll live separately. Let me just go into Mars. Oh, no, you're not going because you could be living across the street. You go to your parents and look after your dad and mom and spend time with them everyday. Go and take food if you want everything, but just a separate space. This is a rite of life. It's a fundamental right if she wants to add right. The husband doesn't give the right than the husband is sinful. It's haram. It's against the teachings of Islam. She doesn't have

00:54:00--> 00:54:36

to do anything from the angles. But she just she gets a lot of reward she should do it you shall love the Lord reward but it's not necessary. Number seven quickly. Another reason why we have various problems because of bad character. This is given we all know better to shoot especially the tongue the misuse of the tongue. This is going back to spiritual diseases and o'clock and character. We have not reformed ourselves with Luke toes after ourselves. We haven't built our good character, especially in the towel. You know, I tell you so many marriages end up because of the misuse of the tongue. How many times I remember there was one case when a brother said his was getting divorced

00:54:36--> 00:54:59

his wife this is his and this is eight years of constant nagging, swearing from my wife. Slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly drove him away. The tone is it's it's poison. You know, sometimes it could be a man it could be a wife. Anyone's tough a lot of the times this is more of an issue of a woman. They just think you know I can say anything whatever like you know swear and say anything this

00:55:00--> 00:55:33

was the husband says how do you say the region? Senator, I can say that oh, and it doesn't mean that if you're nobody can do anything, you know, the misuse of the tongue. It drives the men away, swearing, nagging, slandering, the mouth needs to be controlled. None of the problems. I was mentioned a story of this. But you know, and the thing is, we think every marriage problem is black logic. judging someone. This is an easy way to deflect responsibility. Every issue, marriage problem someone sitting in mutiple, doing black magic,

00:55:34--> 00:56:02

have some brains again, there's no icon we don't think and then we go to this army and that Harmon and this person we're all there to take advantage of your weakness and vulnerability and make money and it's a multimillion dollar business industry. And they're all corrupt foolish for the fraudsters, most of them 99% of them is a big business I know lots of things what goes on every issue then you become obsessed is a disease it's a one of a spoonfuls in the kitchen. And you think it's someone's going to blackmail you.

00:56:03--> 00:56:37

Every issue it's an easy way to deflect responsibility like a wave of people. Someone else is breaking our marriage. No, no, no, you yourself is breaking your own marriage. Because your rock is bad. Your character is bad. You're not a good person. Nobody else is making you bad you yourself your back. So now we just want someone to do no treatment and you know, get some water. I know managing the story many times before that there was this one chef this husband wife kids said they've got too many marriage problems, please you know, give us some magic potions and dua will leave for another problem. Everything that was going to change with Overleaf Ah, yeah, everything's

00:56:37--> 00:57:12

gonna change the lever so they came to the chef and sous chef you know give us some water thumb you know blow will drink water measure the salt the chef is trying to explain to the managers don't get soft by just drinking some water I do them and you know miracle is a magic potion. You have to build your character as long as the working you have to be able to pass it they wouldn't understand the chevron listing he was misuse of the term. So then he used the trick he said you know what, okay insha Allah I'm going to use some water I'm gonna blow it I'm gonna read some special No, take this one button for you husband one person for your wife special magic girl was Eva Masha Allah, special

00:57:12--> 00:57:26

secret to know the facade secret anyone can either. You don't have to go to the special person for some specialty for anyone who wants to read it. So anyway, he said, one water bottle for you or whatever for you. And then he said, You know what, how to drink this.

00:57:27--> 00:57:38

He said to the wife, whenever the husband comes in the house, as soon as he entered the house, from work, you have to take the water and drink it and take in your water, keep it for 10 minutes.

00:57:39--> 00:57:47

And the husband, he said to the husband as soon as she takes you drink your water, and keep that water in your mouth for 10 minutes.

00:57:49--> 00:57:51

Problem solved after five, six months.

00:57:52--> 00:58:14

Why was the salt they came to the husband had shirtless years and I understood the problem was from what you told me all the details. As soon as the husband used to come from work, he was tired, etc. The wife has to neck as soon as he's coming, you come late and tea the milk is not here and this and I love that he gets no stranger to just shouting at each other. So he said you know what, as soon as he comes from work,

00:58:16--> 00:58:17

she's got 30 and above.

00:58:18--> 00:58:19

As you can talk,

00:58:21--> 00:58:35

he or she wants to say something but 10 minutes, then everything she has cooled down and as Ben can talk as well, nourish prolozone so this is why the misuse of the tongue number eight cooking age nine and 10 I just mentioned one minute

00:58:37--> 00:58:52

May many issues, many issues or financial issues love of dunya we've got a lot of doing as a spiritual disease, we need to dusky off our hearts. This is a topic of self control trials and this topic each of these points I can talk about tomorrow's

00:58:53--> 00:58:59

love of dunya is a spiritual disease we need to remove the spiritual disease from the house you know and this is why we have conflicts to

00:59:02--> 00:59:44

spend it just say two one minutes number nine not practicing Islam so there's no protocol. If we don't practice Islam, Allah is like a perfect one baraka and blessings in our marriage, the way to practice Islam, how's that has Islam in it five time prayers, some songs of God. And then you're reading collectivity books together reading the sin of the messenger, salallahu alayhi salam, acting upon Islam have Islam at home. You can't expect to have a prosperous marriage without Islam at home at home. So very important that you have this love at home and number 10. All these nine issues I mentioned we could do something about it. This last issue is not in our control is beyond our

00:59:44--> 00:59:44


00:59:46--> 00:59:55

Which is no compatibility. Sometimes you can act upon all these damn things. Everything's there, but two people are just too different.

00:59:56--> 01:00:00

Like they're not compatible, and therefore there's no chemistry

01:00:00--> 01:00:41

Remember, when that happens, that's the only time when you think about divorce, because there's no way you can actually do anything about it. Nine things were in our control, the 10th thing was beyond our control. So these were just 10 random thoughts and points to gosh and Gabby that came to my mind, which I just jotted down. And I could say a lot about these things I just like this is like handle these topics, each of these 10 points require a lot of detail maybe you know, Inshallah, but someone got the idea anyway, these are issues and reasons what the cause marriage problems. If we start acting upon this, try to bring this into our life and the main thing that I mentioned make

01:00:41--> 01:01:05

marriages, about all about the other person's everything about the other person, you know, we are there to please Allah subhanaw taala Marriage isn't a burden, it's a worship, it's all about gaining the pleasure of Allah is all about and doing for the sake of Allah. If we do that, that inshallah we will see that our marriages will prosper as well Inshallah,

01:01:06--> 01:01:07


01:01:13--> 01:01:13

We are

01:01:15--> 01:01:17

and niggly