Living Islam – Marriage, Making and Living it #17

To learn the Raven hamdulillah ittle bit Alameen

wa salatu salam ala Shanna film ba will mousseline Muhammad Rasulullah, sallallahu alayhi, wa sahbihi wa sallam to Sleeman, Kathira and cathedra from Abbado. My brothers and sisters, we are coming to a close of the series of classes on marriage.

And let me begin with a dua that I hope these will be useful to you in making and keeping and maintaining marriages, which will be a source of great happiness for you in this dunya and become a source of Serato Jharia for you when you meet Allah subhanaw taala.

We cover 19 questions, the 20th. One is does it help couples when they talk about their problems? And to whom should they speak a stranger or someone they know?

Now,

before I answer that question, I would want to say one thing very clearly, which is,

it helps if they genuinely want that help.

Now, it might seem like, you know, you might say, well, if they don't want the hell, why do they? Why do they even go to somebody people do people do to put up appearances people do because they're being pressurized? People do because they don't want somebody to turn around and say, Well, you know, you didn't even make an effort. So there is no insincerity in that. They don't really want help. They don't really want advice, they don't want that relationship to remain.

And they're just wasting time, their time and the time of the counselor.

As a rule, anytime anyone comes to me,

asking for help about their marriage, the first question I ask them is, do you want that help? Are you interested in this relationship, because if you're really not interested in the relationship, then please don't waste my time, I don't have time to waste.

I will talk to you only if you are genuinely interested. Meaning that if I then tell you to do something, that you will sincerely do it, you will take the pain, you will take the trouble if that is not going to be the case, then don't waste my time I'm not forcing you. It's your relationship is not mine.

And if you are just going to go and say, Well, you know, this is what is happening. This one, my husband is doing this no, this is what my wife is doing. And what must I do? No, this is not your agony art, you're not complaining, or some I'm not going to sit there and listen to your complaints. If you really are looking for a solution, then I will help you to try to find it, I will not give you a solution because my solution is not your solution. But I will help you to try to look and find your own solution. The problem is solution is that many times they don't look very nice. You don't like those solutions, you know it's a solution. But it's too painful for you. You don't want to do

it? Well, it's your call. You don't want to do it, don't do it. But then don't expect the marriage to last it won't last.

So first and foremost, ask yourself this question before we go into, should you? Should you talk about it? Or should you talk to strangers who will talk to people who know you? First and foremost, ask yourself do you really want to do something about your marriage?

Now it is helpful to talk to people I mean, it goes without saying because many things. The problem with being too close to something is that you can't see it. If I if I hold my hand you know right up against my face like this, I can't see the lines on my palm

perspective is a function of distance. You can only see things if you are if you hold them at an arm's length.

In a marriage we are talking about is emotionally we are talking about we are not talking about this physically.

So emotionally, somebody who's not involved in that somebody who can stand outside and look in to their marriage can see what is going wrong.

The problem with people in the marriages that whether you like it or not, you are part of the problem.

What is going wrong is partially because of you.

No matter how painful that sounds, that is the actual reality.

Now if you are

if you really want help with that, then you talk to somebody who can stand outside and look in and tell you and then you believe them. And then you do what they tell you to do. Meaning that you put yourself in their position, look at it see the problem and solve it.

Obviously it is important to talk to

somebody you respect and whose advice you're willing to listen to. Usually it is better to talk to strangers because they are

perceived to be fairer, and more objective as they don't know either party.

But they may have their own

stereotypical opinions and their own prejudices, for example, somebody, some people might be

more paternalistic in their approach.

More, you know, and so other people might be more feminists in their approach. And so, their tendency would be to find fault with the man and the other one, the tendency would be to find fault with a woman, and so on. So this is something and some of some of these

prejudices are very strong, and they are in the unconscious. So they are hardwired, but you can't see them. So, it's very important, therefore, to also be tried to find people who are

aware enough of themselves, that they will give you a

clearer picture of what they are seeing.

But

it is important that you respect that person, whoever it is, and that you decide to listen to them, and do what they tell you to do sincerely. Even if you don't like it,

that's a problem problem, obviously, because if you like it, you will do it. But even if you don't like what they're saying, it's important to listen carefully, and to try to do what they

advise you to do.

Now, if you're going to somebody,

just to like an agony art, just to give you a shoulder to cry on,

then that that's a waste of time, don't waste your time and don't don't

waste their time. Because it will not have any value, right?

No self respecting, honest arbitrator with any dignity, we'll agree to be biased in favor of one party or the other.

If they do, then they are not fit for that position.

A marriage can be as good or as bad as you like it,

as you as you make it. So, it is quite literally in your hands.

I

have been giving you the text of this

giving you the book itself, the link to the book. And at the end of the book, I have put a

there is a index, which with page numbers,

which talks about the different

pages on which different things have been mentioned. So good god do go through that. And where, you know, Inshallah, this will be

helpful to you.

The

important thing to understand is that, in a manner of speaking, a marriage is a very

unusual

I won't I wanted to say unnatural, but

let me use the word unusual,

unusual arrangement, right? It's a very unusual arrangement, it is not something which is you which you find in nature at least, that often.

Even if you do find nature, people have this tendency of finding things in nature and say, Well, you know, the gulls do that, or the swans do that or the elephants do that or something.

But do remember, you are either a Gulnara Swan or an elephant. So what humans do is is specific to humans.

So it is not a natural

arrangement that you

that a man and a woman live together

for the rest of their lives.

Given that it is not natural,

it is something which is

in Islam, that is the only Halal way of doing it. There is no other Halal way of doing it. You can't have a temporary marriage, the marriage is haram. It is not permissible in Islam. The

Living having a relationship with the person of the of the other gender of the opposite gender and living together without the marriage without being married to them is haram. This is you know, this is adultery and it

completely prohibited

marriages. That's why marriage is a legal agreement in Islam.

The religious aspect of it, the blessing aspect of it comes from two things. One is that you have accepted this legal arrangement of living together. So therefore, you are doing something which Allah subhanaw taala has permitted, and then the DUA and so on so forth of the people present which helps you, but effectively a marriage is a legal agreement. Technically, you could go and get married in a court,

as long as you have two witnesses. And as long as both of you are adults, and you have been there is no coercion

and there is the worry for the lady, somebody who's there to Guardian is dead. Now, that marriages do it, there is no requirement for a

for a an imam or a Mali or a

you know, religious scholar, to be present or and to give a full bar and to make dua all of these are the the adornment and they are the things that make it beautiful and the things that are highly recommended that we do it because if you are doing something like this, which is so important, then it's important to have a hotbar to to make dua and of course, this is a sonata Rasul Allah, himself, he did that for his daughter, say the Fatima Alon has a marriage. But strictly Legally speaking,

none of this is required. It's not a religious ceremony in that sense.

But since we,

but since Allah subhanaw taala decreed that if a man or woman want to live together, then they must be buried. Therefore, this is something which is full of blessing. Now, it is something which is lifelong, we have the

Islam permits, divorce. So it permits the man to divorce the wife, it permits the wife to divorce her husband and divorce in the sense of asking for a divorce, which is the whole

and the husband has to his he has to give it to me, if he's not giving it there has to be some valid reason and if there is no valid reason, and he's just being stubborn, then the kasi the judge has the has the power to annul the marriage.

So, effectively the wife also can divorce her husband

equal powers to both

the

the marriage therefore, in some in therefore, the marriage is something which is

it is it is sacred in the sense that because it's a agreement and Allah subhanaw taala prohibited us from

reneging and breaking agreements. So, that is why adultery is such a

is such a heinous sin and has such a terrible punishment associated with it. Of course, all the conditions for this punishment to be applied have to be fulfilled first, but effectively if all of them are fulfilled and the punishment is extremely severe. And the reason for that is because the person is breaking this oath breaking this promise that he made

to his partner, that they would be faithful to them.

He was probably as I will do or submitted. So, therefore, if somebody wants to want out of it, then they can get

out from that marriage.

The purpose in Islam core purpose in Islam of marriage is twofold one is for the husband and wife to remain on the straight and narrow and not to have a physical relationship or an emotional relationship for that matter with someone outside the marriage and also to have children and to raise good children. So inshallah the

series of classes after this will be on raising a Muslim child inshallah. So, that is the purpose of the marriage is to raise good children to have good children to raise good children of course to to have children is not in the control of the of the parents, Allah subhanaw taala is the one who gives and Allah subhanaw taala mentioned is very clearly said to some we give male some big female to Gumby game, both and to some became nothing. So Hamdulillah we ask Allah subhanaw taala for healthy

children and to have the

wisdom and His and the help of Allah subhanaw taala. To raise them as by as individuals, who will be a credit to their parents and who will be a credit and an asset to.

To, to society itself. So that is why the focus of a marriage is very strongly on the raising of children of good children. And that's the reason why it is important to have the home as a

not just as a place of tranquility and grace and harmony are also as a

as a as a criteria

against which the child can come can compare whatever else is happening in their life in the outside world. So how should the child decide?

If the judge is going to school, for example, how does this child decide whether the friends he or she has in the school appropriate? Are they good people or not? is by comparing them to their own home environment

and see how would they fit in. So this is one of the things that I advise parents, and I tell them that

always

encourage your children to bring their friends home.

And be prepared to be shocked. I mean, don't don't show that shock on your face.

Because some friends that they have in school, when they come in through your front door, you know, you might

go into some kind of, you know, screaming fit.

Please don't do that, that behave well with them. treat them with dignity. They are your guests and resource SLM said that

the guest has the right to be honored.

So therefore it is very important to

to honor your guests. And no matter who those guests are, it doesn't it doesn't say that the guest has to be some great pious scholar, to be honored. If that person comes to your house as a guest, it doesn't matter who they are, it is your right. And it is your job, it's their right to be honored, and it is your job to honor them.

So when these children, when your children bring home, their friends,

be normal,

treat them well. But have the whole environment such that your child can see that friend in your home environment and decide whether this friend is worthy of being a friend or not.

That's very important. And I always tell people, one of two things can happen. One is that this freaky youngster who comes with your with your son or daughter

changes because of the environment of defining your home, or your son or daughter leaves them. And as far as you're concerned, both are good, good good outcomes. So don't criticize your children for having

freaky friends. That is the environment that they're in.

If they're going to the school, and so on and so forth to that's what they're getting.

They can't find, you know, a friend from the moon, they can't find these great, pious creatures in an environment which is full of sin, but at the same time, create a home where they have a comparison where your children have a comparison, then they can compare and see whether or not that friend is acceptable and should be a friend or not.

Having said that, also to understand this issue of now you might say well, why should I not send children to school No.

Growing plants in a greenhouse may sound like a good idea.

But that plant eventually can survive only inside the greenhouse greenhouse plants. If you put them out in the environment, then they die because they do not have the root system they do not have the strength did not have the ability to sustain hardship in the outside environment. So they get too much of sun they get too much rain they get you know a strong wind will knock them flat.

You're growing the plants to live in the outside environment. So grow them in the outside environment, but give them the nourishment that is required for them to develop a very strong root system which will keep them anchored and will not blow them away with the first gust of wind.

Now I'm giving you this as a as an example. But here it means

A set of values and ethics and morals. And remember the children and of course, this applies to everybody in the world. But children listen with their eyes, they don't listen with their ears. They listen with their eyes.

They don't care what you say until they see what you do.

So be as parents, we need to be super conscious of ourselves.

What we do, how we do it, and ensure that we always, always always portray

an ideal model.

No matter how difficult it is, it doesn't matter if sometimes you slip because you are human, you will make mistakes.

But by and large,

an ideal model, which the child can look up to,

children need parents, they can look up to not looked down on.

If they find parents who wake up for the Agile,

and you prayed the huddle regularly, if they find parents, if they are if they come into the house, and they hear the sound of the recitation of the Quran, not by this curry or that curry, but by the mother or the father.

And don't worry, don't say the Aussie by Tajweed is not so good doesn't matter.

Nothing stops you from improving those beans but doesn't matter even with your bat as we recite the Quran let the sound of the Quran Al Karim come out of your mouth and let the walls and the curtains and the carpet be witness to it on the Day of Judgment.

Let the trees be witness to it.

When I was very little, when my mother was teaching me a Koran she would we would sit outside in our own house in Hyderabad in our ancestral house, it the room or wherever she used to sit with me

has a door which opens out into the garden so she would tell me recite loudly let the birds let the trees and let the air hear your voice because on the Day of Judgment, they will bear witness.

So recite let the children be used to the sound of your voice reciting Quran and as I told you this is not a recitation competition.

And if you if you if you need to, we all need we all make mistakes we all you know need to learn even be even people who know the rules of thirds, we don't always

pronounce things correctly.

It doesn't matter but recite Quran, let your children see you praying.

You're doing it to show them but later soon as Sam said, you know he said don't make your houses into a graveyard because it is not permissible to do Salah in a cemetery. So he said don't make your house into a graveyard pray at home not the first salah the first one has to be buried in the masjid. But come home and previous sunnah. But in our field

but our being and Josh and that's a lot of Doha and Iraq and and the hijos and so on and so forth and just just play nothing, he doesn't have to have a name this is a loss of $100 Your devotion to Allah subhanaw taala do that right and then in the in our behavior on a day to day basis not only just worship

when you buy something for example from poor people we find is all the time people go and when they are you know buying from street hawkers and so on they bargain

and they they fight tooth and nail for to save some few pies and then they will go and sit in a five star restaurant and they will

you know spend on a meal what that was the talker probably earns in one year. There you don't bargain because in that in that restaurant, if you bargain You look like a fool and they'll you know they won't throw you out but you know nobody bargains there you know in a big big five star restaurant. But you bargain with a street Hawker and don't do these things. Because this is this this incur first of all inculcates bad values and secondly, it is so shameful and humiliating.

Show dignity show, you know respect and you don't show respect by by by acting papacy show respect by respecting other people.

Always give more, don't give less if the person especially poor people, streetwalkers and so on if they ask you for $10 Give 12

in charity always be the first

and last mountain xario Illa FINITY Allah do not CMC Allah didn't say walk to the MACURA of Allah Allah said race run

towards the forgiveness of Allah subhanho wa Taala

don't count pennies count deeds.

May Allah Allah

have no data and also has a seller

commonly used words in our language on a daily basis.

All of these things

help to make a good marriage.

Because the more the husband and wife are focused on pleasing Allah subhanaw taala, the happier the marriage will be, because Allah subhanaw taala will bless this marriage.

And again, I must say one final thing, which I think I see, I think I said it right at the beginning, which is

focus on your duties,

not on your rights, because you will be questioned about your duties, not about your rights. And if you fulfill your duties, then automatically the rights of the other are being fulfilled.

And if the other, your wife or your husband fulfills their duties, your rights will get fulfilled.

So focus on this, be generous.

Be generous, don't be stingy. One of the worst things in life is to be stingy, Bucky

give

more than what

is asked.

I mentioned some of these things, I don't want to repeat them. But some some things are important enough to do to repeat.

So prioritize

in your life, your marriage will be good if you if that is the main priority, make it a more priority.

And as I said, the purpose of marriage is to have a beautiful home and to raise good, pious, responsible children.

If you do this, Inshallah, then this marriage becomes and the home becomes a heaven on earth.

Somebody has said, and I'll leave you with I don't know the law know

about this. And he said, Heaven on Earth is a pious wife.

And of course, the same thing applies to the husband. I'm not talking when I say pious, I don't mean a pompous religious creature. No, I'm talking about somebody who is

true to Allah subhanaw taala. And whose peitc in there o'clock, a big smile on the face is a sign of piety, because it's a sign of gratitude to Allah subhanaw taala it's a sign of happiness with what Allah has given us.

So it is not expressed only in terms of how much of Salah you pray, and how in no avail. And you know, how much of Quran you memorized or, or you know, it is expressed in terms of o'clock. And this is the reason why as soon as I'm said, on the Day of Judgment, the o'clock, good o'clock will weigh more heavy, they will have more weight than salah. And so, then then then prayer and fasting.

Because good o'clock have to do with each other with human beings, prayer and fasting as follows Vannatta he doesn't need it anyway. We do it because we need it, and we must do it.

But Allah will forgive that even if there are some mistakes and so on it because it's not something that he needs. He is nothing but a class have to do with people. And people need that.

I need you to be good to me, you need me to be good to you.

And that's why this has so much weight and so much of value and Allah subhanaw taala

rewards it Alhamdulillah

ask Allah Subhana Allah to bless you and bless your marriages, I asked us monetarily to enable you to find beautiful spouses who will be a means of higher and Balika and happiness for you in this life, and a means of southco Jharia for you in your entire life to come. Ask Us vantara to give you spouses who will make dua for you, sincerely from their heart, though for benefit for you, sincerely from the heart. Ask Allah subhanaw taala to make you

a spouse who will inspire your spouse to make that kind of God

as well as running data to prove to to give you healthy marriages, sound marriages full of joy, and protect you from all kinds of evil, all kinds of temptation, all kinds of negativity which we are surrounded with in this world.

It doesn't matter what we're surrounded with. Only that which goes inside us will affect us. And therefore ask ALLAH SubhanA data to protect us and protect all of you from all sorts of negative influences, negative thoughts, fears,

apprehensions, and to give you

strength in knowledge of Him in knowing him in following the Sunnah of His Beloved Habib

His beloved messenger Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa Daily said was

robbing his own unfrozen olam to feed on our ham net and Cassidy are gonna fulfill another one hour coffee. I don't know yet. You know what? Amala bah bah bah Tina for dunya has an atomic villa in as Avanade masala Nabeel Karim Ali. He was a paid member to me, was Salam Alikum warahmatu love your work.