Ptsd. Hajj. Mental Health. And My Road To Recovery

Muhammad Alshareef


Channel: Muhammad Alshareef

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AI: Summary © The Maghrib Institute has been successful in promoting women affected by PTSD and trauma, with a "hameless" hedge designed to prevent people from getting out of a fire. The "hameless" hedge is designed to prevent people from getting out of a fire, and the "hameless" hedge is designed to prevent people from getting out of a fire. Representatives encourage others to use the word "ham compositions to describe their experiences and use the word "ham advise" to describe their experiences. People with PTSD have experiences similar to their own and are struggling with mental health.
AI: Transcript ©
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Salam aleikum. Warahmatullah wabarakatuh This is an homage to *y taking over the Al Maghrib Institute page and doing this live broadcast from Mecca mukarram al Haram al Sharif, I will start when like five people say salam where they're from isn't my first time actually doing a live on the mother page so

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I think it'd be a different audience so nice to see you guys hi Ali. Hi Nora.

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Making sure I'm not messing up

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Muhammad all the all the younger guys tuning in.

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Everybody tuning in

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it's funny man I'm like shy all of a sudden I got shy all my my friends tuning in now. What car somebody comes aid longtime know sci fi, how are they gonna Sadam? Where are you guys tuning in from?

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Let's hear it

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like a muscle RAM Saira

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Shabnam in Manchester, likoma salam.

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Khalid Weligama Salam Al Maghrib Institute says hi. I thought I was on loverme Institute for the next little while.

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Nyla tuning in from Dallas, are they gonna sit down Nyla

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ba Hara from somewhere. I like Mr. Romm Santa lucuma Salam.

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So it has in Oman

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and we will begin.

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We are starting

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Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala Rasulillah while earlier sabe Manuela and ADAD a Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah who, but I care to welcome to tonight's episode, this Facebook Live coming to you from Mecca Makara, I'm going to be talking about something that I don't normally talk about, about PTSD and Hajj and trauma, and my road to recovery and inshallah Tada, hopefully, you'll find something beneficial. And if you don't, well, too bad. Okay, so the first time I did Hajj was like 1993, or 1994. That's a long time ago, in 1994 was the first time I did hedge. Before I did that my father went for heights.

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My father went for hedge and in one of those in the hundreds that he went to, there was a situation where there was a stampede that happened in a in a tunnel. And when I went for my first hygiene, you know, completely blank, not knowing what to expect. I always told myself, you know what, if I was in a stampede, I would just go to higher ground, I would find a higher level somewhere and just go to higher ground and I'd be safe. So the first hedge that I did 1993

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I was with a brother, two brothers, one was from Kuwait, and one was from Libya. And the Libyan brother was kind of tough with us, and he wouldn't explain how the hedge was going. He just kind of like just keep quiet Muhammad, you talk too much. I was like 17 years old, 18 years old. He's like, You talk too much Muhammad. And so we lost that brother, and Hamdulillah we lost. But we did hedge by the book. And on the last day, this is like 9093 On the last day of Hajj, actually might have been 9094 last day of Hajj. I was like, let's go to the jemalloc mean that other brother and it was his first time as well. Let's go to the gym a lot, go early, and throw our gym rots, and we're done

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hygiene and we can move to the Harlem so few hours before

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the generosity began. Again, this is the 90s

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the crowds started swelling, the crowds started swelling that got bigger and bigger and bigger. And then all of a sudden, there was a tidal wave. I literally describe it like that a tidal wave rip through the crowd. People that were like six rows in front of me were lifted off the ground and slammed into slammed into the wall, the tidal wave.

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And at that point, I saw people climb. I'm getting goosebumps, you know, it's kind of like 25 years later. I'm getting goosebumps right now remembering this. I saw people climb up to higher ground. And I had told myself that if I was ever in a stampede, that I would climb to higher ground, and when I saw those guys climb to higher ground,

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I realized I was in the middle of it right then there.

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And that's just the start of my hedges. So for those who don't know, I've been doing Hajj hamdulillahi rabbil Alameen consistently for the last

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25 years, 25 years, every two and a half decades. And throughout that time, there I've been through a lot of situations life and death situations. And I'll share with you some of those here in and in this Facebook Live. But I want you to understand that even though I've been doing HUD for the last 25 years, I have not come to Mecca. For the last two years.

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I have not come to Mecca for the last two years is my first time in two years, 25 years consistently. And then I just stopped coming. And this is my first time in two years. And the reason for that is the trauma just got too much for me. And I couldn't come back anymore.

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There are times

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when I am in a bathroom

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in my own house, and I'll start shivering. And I'll say if a stampede happens, I can find refuge here. Like it'll just come to my mind. And I'll say to other people have been for hygiene, does that happen to you too? Do you have these moments where you feel like you're gonna die.

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And some people have been for hydrilla, they might understand what I'm saying some don't. But when I read about

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people who have PTSD, the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I start to understand that it's not just something that happens to people in war.

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But it also happens to people who experience trauma, and it's more than just Hutch and inshallah Tata will talk a little bit more about it. But let me give you some examples of the kind of trauma that I'm talking about. And kind of where it went a little bit too far. So the fire of Mina, I think it was around 1995 or 1996, the fire of minutes, were sitting in the tents and Minun you know, chatting and not really focused on arriba. And then all of a sudden we saw this black smoke coming up in Mina. This is the first day of Hajj.

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And I remember I was like in superhero mode. I I was there was a long lineup of people trying to get out of the tent area. And then I just took one of the walls of the tents, like ripped it off to make room for people to escape this fire that was coming. And I remember when I ripped the wall there was this Pakistani uncle walking by and he was shocked. And then he looked at me he's like brother suburbs.

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Anyway, so that that day, all of Mina, not all of them enough, but a good portion of it burnt down. And we left Mina on that day, people were in hij there, you know, some people had climbed a mountain to try to escape the fire and then the fire winds turned and they were enveloped by smoke. And and they couldn't escape it because they were on the mountain. And another situation. When I came back to Mina after we did a lot of fun came back, all my stuff had been burned to ash, the stuff that I had left behind. That's one example. Another example is

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there was a guy who was in our hedge group, and he died in the gym a lot.

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He died in the gym rots.

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And, and then we were sitting together with the hedge organizers This is with I won't mention the group. We're sitting with the hedge organizer and one of the organizers told me that that guy who died it was his second hedge and the hedge that he came before he this brother told me he was the worst Haji he was complaining about everything. He was so nasty. He was so negative. He's the one guy in the group that you don't want to come for Hajj with you. And he goes this year. He he did Toba for the way he spent his previous hedge came back for hedge and was the best. And he was telling the hedge organizer was telling me right before he went to the gym a lot he said to him,

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What do you think of my behavior this year? And and hedge organizer told me that I said to him, you were the best Hiji this year, and he went to the gym a lot. And there was a stampede that year as well. And he died in the gym riots. And they prayed Janessa for him on like the day after as I was doing my palapa i Farewell to loft for praying Janessa for him. A third incident that happens was

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I have so many to share with you guys. I'm like which one should I tell you that? The crane. So the crane collapsing which was actually on the other side of this. So I was in to off the crane happened in 2015.

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The crane collapse as the cab I was into off when it happened

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And I was about 150 meters

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from where the crane collapsed.

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So I was doing to off and then there was a torrential downpour during the talk really, really intense downpour, my phone was like destroyed from the water. And and then it started death hail. There was ice pellets that came down I was into often the ice pellets came down. And then I heard this loud thunder crocs. And it was the crane collapsing. I heard this on Thunder God, but I didn't know what it was. And so I turned opposite the toe off, because I knew was coming from the direction that people are walking towards, into off, I turned opposite the direction and was telling people to go the other way. And again, was the box on younger guy, nothing to say about boxes. They're always

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telling rather self study younger guys, I was telling him go to off the opposite direction. He was like no to office this way. I was like, No, you're gonna die if there's the crane collapse. So I didn't know how many people had been killed. Even though I was about 150 meters from that. There's no alarms in the hopper. Nobody tells you anything. They don't give announcements. I didn't know completely.

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After I sat down, I went and I did my sight. And I saw so much sadness on people's faces.

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And completed my sight I was walking through about almost like my, my legs were in almost to my knees of water in between suffer. And medulla. As I was doing my sight. After I finished my sight. I turned on my phone. Remember I told you my phone was destroyed from the water. I turned on my phone finally. And something really,

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really interesting happened at that point.

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I opened up to see all the government structures. And I saw the messages. That said Muhammad was in the tawaf when the crane collapsed. And so many people had tried to get in contact, and I didn't know how many had been killed by that collapse. And then I saw literally people discussing my death.

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And I was like, No, guys, I'm here.

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I'm alright, just the phone was was broken. So that was the crane.

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All right. So you're saying okay, these things happen trauma. Now we start getting thank you for tuning in. And we're going deeper a little bit now we're getting a little bit vulnerable, it's going to get a little bit more intense. It's gonna get more intense than this. How y'all doing out there?

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You're having a good time.

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If you're there, press the thumbs up. Let's, let's go to part two.

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So in one of the, as I said, this is, you know, chapter two.

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I know these situations, you know, you're Ana de la la saved you and so on. But what about our sins? What about the mistakes that we make?

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So in one of the years, there was a huge,

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there was a huge flood.

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That happened in

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a huge flood that happened in Mina.

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It was a torrential rain happened in Minot, it's actually been been raining pretty consistently, in past years, but this time that it was raining, it was like one of the first time there was such a consistent rain, and it was very deep. So this might have been eight years ago, something like that nine years ago.

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The Haji 10s. If you see in homage, their security guards on the tents, they stand at the front, if you don't have the right badge, they don't let you in. But the problem is that and even if there's a crowd in the street, they still won't relieve people's the crowd by opening up the tents. They're basically told, keep the tents locked. Otherwise, the stampede will come into, you know, into the tents and so on. So that's, you know, general advice that they have when this flood happens.

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When this flood happens,

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people were I wouldn't say they're drowning, but it was very, it was very hard, very difficult, and rainwater was pouring. And I saw people at the gates of our tent, a woman this is one specific a woman and her children.

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And she asked to come in.

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And the security guard told her no.

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And I'm standing there watching this. And she was a very respectful woman.

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And she listened to him.

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And she continued on into that floodwater.

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I said, Why didn't we let her in?

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Why couldn't we have relieved? The situation for them? What if everybody in hij opened their doors, it doesn't have to be one tent that lets everybody in and cause a problem for what if there's an emergency situation, all the tents can be open, and let people in.

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So I saw this, and it left.

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It left a mark in my heart.

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And now back to 2015 2015, if you remember,

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was the year that 2000 Hajaj were killed

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in a crush? That happened in minutes? 2000.

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You can and I'm probably you know, even estimates are like 2500. And I'm lowering the number more than 2000 people were killed

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in Mina. But okay, so because fast atrophy happens, disaster happens. But as I read further into why so many people died?

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The answer is that none of the 10 people open their gates to let them in.

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All those gates were locked down, so that all the people were herded basically into like a death trap. And if the Gates had been opens, if they had opened up, then people could have flowed through the gates, through it through the 10s could have gotten into different areas.

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Now making excuses for for that maybe people don't realize the seriousness of the seriousness of the situation, Allah Allah. But that trauma that happens.

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The reason that I told you earlier about the floodgate is I've seen the face of people who are asking to be let in and being turned away, and that it led in this case, to over 2000 people being killed.

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Have one more,

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one more situation to share with you.

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And this is the one

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that I was like, should I tell them or should I hide it

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but I will share with you

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as somebody just sent me a reminder before doing this Facebook Live, they said thank you for being vulnerable Muhammad. It's not all nice stories.

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And we do wrong.

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And I'm sharing with you because I know that we all do these things at some points in our lives. And inshallah Tada, hopefully, you will

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learn something from it.

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So this was many years ago.

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And in my head, when I do hide, I get kind of like into this, this fight or flight mode. I'm in fight mode. Really like I'm ready, unfortunately, because of crowds and you know, being in charge and whatnot. I get into like a fight mode and has.

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so it was like the last day of hydron Mina, the group's about to leave, you know, the buses are about to go.

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so I say hey, you know, I want to go get some chai just by myself

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just by myself. So I walked in I walked and I found a place giving Chai.

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And then, as I was standing to the side, drinking my Chai just pretty much going back to my tent going back to my groups. I see an old man there.

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A very old man

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who looks dazed

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and sunstroke.

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He looks like he's almost going to collapse.

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And nobody's paying attention to him.

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I won't make this too dramatic. I'll tell you just directly what happens

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I said to myself, you know, what if I, if I help this person, you know, I gotta go, I have a time limit.

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If I help him, it's going to be like half an hour, one hour, it's going to be very long, I don't have time for this.

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And I walked away.

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They said to myself, somebody else will do it, somebody else will help.

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And I didn't help.

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And I never forgot that uncle.

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Why didn't help him.

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And so,

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I share this with you, because you understand where the trauma is coming from.

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It started with me not helping, and then seeing other people might help.

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And then eventually leading to 2000 people dying.

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I know I'm not responsible for that.

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But maybe in my own little sphere, there is responsibility.

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After that year.

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With that Uncle,

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I said to myself, I will never leave somebody in hij, who needs help, I will never leave them. If I see an old lady pushing a wheelchair that she needs to be sitting on, I will tell her to sit down and I will push you. If I see somebody who's dazed and needs help, I'm going to help them. I don't care how long it takes, or, and SubhanAllah. And I said that to myself, like even it takes me the whole day, I will still help them. And

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and that's been since a couple of years as Panelo I've noticed that as soon as I do put in the effort to help Subhan Allah, people from my group, probably like 15 brothers come in and want to share in the budget, one a share and helping out, somebody comes along and sees that I started to help them. They're like, Oh, I speak the language of this person. Don't worry, I'll take it from here. And everything is made easy that once one person helps. It's not about all of ruin my whole day because I'm helping. In fact, everybody takes inspiration from that to help and continued on.

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So it's been two years since I've been been to Mecca. And I've been suffering with this, this trauma for the past two years, and it's been building up even I've come for heights, and people who know me and I just want to stay away from everybody stay away from things until finally I said I can't come back anymore.

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Whenever I you know, even if I wanted to trigger the PTSD, all I have to do to trigger it is tell myself, you know what Muhammad inshallah this year, I will go for Hajj.

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And then immediately the butterflies kick in the fear. And I started shaking. I was like, No, I can't go, I can't go.

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And each year, I you know, everybody's asked me my group would be like Muhammad, you want to come this year, you don't have to talk. You don't have to give lectures. I'm like sign about the lectures. I don't mind the lectures. I don't mind any of that. I just can't come.

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And I've been trying to work on it. These past two years, trying to heal myself trying to calm myself down. And

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so Saudi recently opened up the visas for tourist visas. Hunter's Lodge is an errand to Saudi Arabia for doing that. That's unbelievably awesome. I wish you could have done it many years before. But so be it Hamdulillah I was able to get on a flight in a downtime. And I said that I would come and I would work on work on this trauma, giving myself the time to heal on my own.

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So before coming just like two three days ago and my family have the lovey, they got my haram ready. They washed it and they put it out.

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And I was

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I was touching my fram towel. And I wear the same Iran towel because it fits really good. And I've used it for many years, probably like the last 10 years. And I was touching this a haram towel. Almost like it's like I'm a superhero. And this ROM towel is my cape and I've literally had moments like that work my haram file and seeing the shadow of my haram towel the on the ground and I look like Superman with my haram towel. And

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I was touching my prom towel which has not been used for the last two years.

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And I held it and I said we've been through so much together

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we've been through

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so much together. Welcome back my old friend.

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I came for omelet this time and I said to myself

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this is who I am

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the Haram and Hajj and taking care of people and Hajj and these lessons that I've learned from stampedes and calamities being is I can see inshallah to Allah,

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the danger zones in advance because I've been through things like that. And I can help guide my group away from those as much as I can. And that's what I do in hydrogen. People asked me, How do you get to go for Hajj every year? And I say it's because I'm in the service of the judge. Not going for just for myself, I go for the service of the hijab, to keep them safe to help guide them during the rituals, that hamdulillah

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so coming back here, so I said if we're going to be vulnerable, let's go all the way yes, there's a hadith

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where the prophet said allottee centum spoke about Medina.

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He said sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

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10 fee hubba can Magan fill ki Rojava cell Hadith Harbottle Hadith.

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The Prophet sallallahu sallam said that Medina

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expels its filth.

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The way iron expels the filth of the fire expels the filth of iron when it's heated.

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And so there's this fear

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for people who have trauma.

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What if I have this trauma because I'm filled

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that I can't come? Because I'm filled.

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And I'm not worthy of coming.

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And this is a way to push me away

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So the beautiful thing about that because Hamdulillah I have a Sharia degree. First beautiful thing about the hadith is that's talking about Medina. It's not talking about hygiene. So I was like, okay, I'm good there and I don't have a problem going to the team. It happens a lot.

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So that's one good news. But the other thing was it is for real. Like what if I know my sins? I know

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that coming here I don't feel like I belong.

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I'm not worthy of this.

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I'm sinful. Even when we sin Subhan Allah we still need Allah's help.

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So I came yesterday, I shared this on my page, but I'll share

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I'll tell you guys what happened. Life. Okay, so yesterday, I came about austere time.

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And one of my friends comes for highs you have a little hedge leader type of group. And he said, I told them you guys, you know, good news. It's been two years but I'm here in Mecca. And then the brother said to me, did you bring your sandal bag?

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And I said in response, I said, Well Llahi on the taxi ride from Jeddah to Mecca. That's the one thing I was telling myself. I forgot to bring a sandal Bay and between Asia and going to sleep and we did a lecture at night yesterday and I said, You know what, I'm going to do my camera in the morning. So I went to sleep on time got up for Fudger and, and then it's federal time I don't have time to go buy a sandal bag, and I go pray and I wait till the sun comes up. And there's no time to buy Santa's bag. I'm like, You know what, I'm going to take my shoes, so my sandals into into the toe off. It's annoying and it takes away from concentration. And I can't I can't hold my sandals in

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my hand. You know, sorry, I can't make dua while holding the sandals.

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But it is what it is my attitude is Becca and hijab is had whatever happens it's all good. No problem. I'll deal with it. So I got into the toe off and I'm going around the kava and it's you know, it's an amazing experience to be back and I'm telling you guys how much I appreciate being here. It

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even the small things like seeing kids feed the pigeons and seeing their smiles it makes me so happy. Having the fan in the huddle blow on me. I stopped and I think I'm so thankful for that fan and that cool air, the marble that touching everything.

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And so I begin my toe off.

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Second time around the toe off, this woman taps me on the shoulder.

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And she This is it was at the Yemeni corner

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she tapped me on the shoulder and she gives me a bag for my sandals.

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And in 25 years of coming for hij I had never had somebody offered me a bay for my sandals ever.

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Into off from a grandmother.

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So I was just wishing for that. And Allah subhanaw taala brought it to me into off just as I was beginning my tail off.

00:31:05--> 00:31:16

And so of course I started bawling the AW l i started bawling and I was crying and my tail off and this is between the Yemeni corner and the and the black stones.

00:31:18--> 00:31:25

And as soon as I like moments later that I heard somebody call out the Assa tar, we have Allah

00:31:33--> 00:31:38

sitar, the name of Allah Azza. Top means the one who covers

00:31:40--> 00:31:48

and it's the name of Allah that I've been calling upon recently, probably in the last month, almost consistently, almost every day.

00:31:50--> 00:31:59

It's become my go to Name of Allah, because of the fitness that spread and because of our sins and the things that we do.

00:32:00--> 00:32:02

It's not that we don't commit sins.

00:32:04--> 00:32:07

It's that we ask Allah subhanaw taala to protect us and cover us up.

00:32:08--> 00:32:13

And so as soon as I got that vague, and I'm like, Allah sent this to me,

00:32:14--> 00:32:16

and then I hear yes.

00:32:17--> 00:32:19

Which is the dua that I've been making.

00:32:21--> 00:33:00

All human beings and this whole issue of, you know, seeking out people's pleasure of not being worthy for this version not being worthy for that person, or that person calling you this without all of that disappeared. And I realized that everyone is welcome to come back to Allah subhanaw taala. Everybody is welcome. It doesn't matter what sins that they come with. qualia, a baddie and Lavina Astra for Allah and foresee him talking about OMA Rahmatullah say oh servants who have transgressed against themselves. takana Puma Rahmatullah never lose hope and the mercy of Allah. I know a lot of you that are

00:33:02--> 00:33:08

tuning in, might be from the privileged religious group where

00:33:10--> 00:33:13

you don't commit major sins, generally speaking.

00:33:14--> 00:33:47

You realize para, you go to Koran school, wearing a jab since you're born. This guy's got a beard and he's always arguing with people about how long the beard should be, and stuff like that. Maybe you don't know the world of Zina and alcohol and, and some serious, serious haram when someone like that comes to the masjid seeking Toba to Allah Subhan Allah to Allah. And so let me give me give you a side story. There was one time this is in the US.

00:33:49--> 00:33:50

It was like after Isha.

00:33:51--> 00:34:07

It was after Isha. And this guy came to the masjid. And there was a sister that I wanted to convert, and they were gonna get married after that the brother was Muslim sister was converting to Islam. She was pregnant. And

00:34:10--> 00:34:10


00:34:12--> 00:34:13

I was confused.

00:34:14--> 00:34:28

Because they were asking me to do the marriage. I was young guy confused. And I said, Hold up. I need to check up on this. So the Sister Yes, she can do Toba to Allah subhana wa Tada. She'd come back Allah will.

00:34:29--> 00:34:36

Allah will wipe away any sins that came before. There's no problem for the sister. The problem was the brother.

00:34:37--> 00:34:43

He got her pregnant. And now he's bringing her to to give Shahada.

00:34:44--> 00:34:46

And like, if I'm the Welly

00:34:48--> 00:34:52

then I don't know if I would marry her to somebody like this. Do you see where the problem is?

00:34:54--> 00:34:55

So I asked one of my shoe

00:34:57--> 00:34:59

that can the American Open University

00:35:00--> 00:35:01

And I had connections with them.

00:35:03--> 00:35:04

And one of the she said to me,

00:35:06--> 00:35:38

it's this beautiful statement. Because I was like, Well, how are we going to work this out? From a physics standpoint? Are we going to say that, oh, this person he didn't pray, and maybe he wasn't Muslim? So therefore we can accept him coming back to Islam, then it wipes out? Yeah, I was confused. How are we going to pull this off? How does this work? And the shift said this, this amazing statement to us statement to me, he said, Muhammad, if somebody comes repenting to Allah, we never close the door on them.

00:35:39--> 00:36:21

If somebody comes repenting to Allah, this is the fifth of what we're learning, as teachers, as people of dnn people of knowledge. If somebody comes repenting to Allah subhanaw taala, we never closed the door on them. And I want to emphasize that for you so intensely, and let you get an understanding of what this means. That means that if a sister comes to the masjid, and she's not wearing the hijab, don't kick her out of the messenger. She's in the next because she wants to come to Allah subhanaw taala. In fact, when I first started Maghrib, since we're here on the mother page, when I first started the mother teaching the first mother Institute class, and there was a sister

00:36:21--> 00:36:51

that came in taking the class and she wasn't wearing hijab, I called my teacher and told him that, hey, I'm doing this Islamic class, their sisters that are learning university level Islamic education, they, they're not wearing hijab, and I am so happy. And I am so proud that we were able to be welcoming that anybody is welcome when we when we teach the deep. That's how intense that I took this message. Okay, so

00:36:52--> 00:36:55

it was this morning, that I felt that

00:36:56--> 00:37:01

in my tail off, and Allah subhanaw taala giving you that message.

00:37:03--> 00:37:07

And if you read the post, for those of you who didn't read the post, when I was,

00:37:08--> 00:37:32

you know, it meant so much to me what this this grandmother figure had, by giving me that sandal bag that I didn't want it to let it go and and I was like, Oh, I wish I could have told her. I knew one day that that would happen. So I'm like, I'm not going to let I'm not going to live with regret. I'm going to tell her now. So into off I sought her out again. So it was the fourth time around the toe off

00:37:34--> 00:37:44

that I met up with her and it was actually in the in the same location which is the Yemeni corner and I I came through and I spoken Arabic and I said you know that

00:37:46--> 00:37:47

I entered my tail off.

00:37:49--> 00:38:02

I entered my toe off with no with no bag to cover to carry my shoes, carrying my sandals. And I hoped for for a bag I never made dogs. I hope they didn't

00:38:03--> 00:38:06

and then and then you gave me the bag

00:38:08--> 00:38:12

and then she said mashallah beautiful

00:38:13--> 00:38:22

sister, she said to me, she said, Inshallah, this is a good sign that Allah has accepted your camera

00:38:31--> 00:38:32

and then I started crying again.

00:38:33--> 00:38:39

And then she proceeded to make dua for me, like I said, I mean, and may the same be for you.

00:38:41--> 00:39:27

And I remember the verse of Allah Subhan Allah to Allah, Allah azza wa jal said, so my dad, I lay him near to boo. And then Allah forgave them so that they would ask for forgiveness, as I say, in my, my classes, and those companions, that that asked for forgiveness from Allah subhanaw taala. Allah said, that Allah forgave them so that they would have the tow fee for the grace of Allah to ask for forgiveness, meaning that when you ask for forgiveness, Allah has over has already forgiven you. Because you couldn't have asked for forgiveness unless law allowed you to ask for forgiveness

00:39:32--> 00:39:42

so in conclusion, inshallah Tada Zack, for having this, this, I was looking at the time national law, it's been like 40 minutes on the law.

00:39:43--> 00:39:45

I've adopted a new attitude.

00:39:47--> 00:39:59

I realized that in this and all these hedges that I've been an hour and you know, fight or flight mode, you know, when they say fight or flight mode, I'm in fight mode. When I come even when I came, this time at

00:40:00--> 00:40:08

First, I was in fight mode ready to like anybody says something, I'm ready to bark at them or, or defend or what have you. But

00:40:11--> 00:41:03

you know that common statement, the quote, of Be the change that you want to see in the world. So I've been repeating this to myself, and I've been saying, Be the kindness that you want to receive from others, be the kindness that you want to receive from others, be the kindness that you want to receive from others. And so I've dropped my fight mode. And I've adopted a kindness mode. So if I'm in an elevator, I want to be the kindness to other people that I would hope that they would treat me with, if I'm, you know, a co worker, that stressed out working like 18 hours a day, in Mexico or anywhere else, I'm going to treat them good. I'm going to be the kindness that I want to receive

00:41:03--> 00:41:18

from someone like that. And just throughout my hij, I started without my camera right now, I just been going around to everybody and saying Scilab just people sitting down making eye contact with people saying that I'm on a cul.

00:41:22--> 00:41:23

De Sac Allah. Hi, Ron.

00:41:26--> 00:41:33

So when I told the brothers of another institute that I wanted to do this Facebook Live, they said, Well, what would the people benefits.

00:41:35--> 00:41:40

And I said to myself, I don't really care. Because this is going to be more about

00:41:42--> 00:42:19

my own healing, having, sharing it with you guys talking it out with you, learning myself, and trying to heal from the situation. And in conclusion, and Sharla thought I wanted to also give a word of encouragement for those who have suffered trauma. And you know, in my case, it might have been Hajaj. But trauma can come from abusive relationships. And it can go both ways from both the husband or the wife. It's not just wives that can suffer trauma, but husbands can also suffer trauma.

00:42:20--> 00:42:22

You might be at work.

00:42:23--> 00:42:29

Somebody's treating you badly at work. The trauma happens in many places in many locations.

00:42:30--> 00:42:35

There was I know I said we're done. But

00:42:36--> 00:42:37

I would like to.

00:42:38--> 00:42:45

I would like to share this one last story. And it also is a way of me doing Toba to Allah Spano Tata for

00:42:47--> 00:42:50

so there is a brother. Again, this is like 1993

00:42:51--> 00:42:54

He was an American brother. I think he was Lebanese,

00:42:56--> 00:42:58

Lebanese American or something like that.

00:42:59--> 00:43:01

And his mother had come to Medina.

00:43:03--> 00:43:07

And they were talking later that

00:43:09--> 00:43:12

his mother didn't want to go to the masjid.

00:43:13--> 00:43:19

She would feel constricted and, and she'd like freak out.

00:43:21--> 00:43:31

And only as they said only when she was on her way to the airport to go home to leave Medina. Did she feel a sense of ease?

00:43:34--> 00:43:37

So for many, many years, we're talking about like,

00:43:39--> 00:43:42

a long time. 20 years something like that.

00:43:46--> 00:43:51

I always thought of the Hadith about Medina expelling its filth.

00:43:53--> 00:43:57

I want to do Toba to Allah subhanaw taala for thinking that,

00:43:58--> 00:44:12

yes, there's Hadith that hadith is absolutely offensive. But applying it to specific people and specific situations is none of our business. That is not that is not knowledge that Allah shared with anybody.

00:44:13--> 00:44:37

And after what I experienced and how much I thought to myself, What if all these years 25 years, I've been thinking about you know, oh, she expelled What if she suffered PTSD today? What if she had her own? PTSD didn't just happen in recent times. People had it long before. It just wasn't diagnosed.

00:44:39--> 00:44:42

And so I just wanted to end by not judging people,

00:44:44--> 00:44:57

for myself, and also a reminder for all of us. Whenever you find yourself judging people's intentions, or what's really going on, tell yourself you don't know a lot

00:45:00--> 00:45:03

Hi, Zack. Hola. Hi, Ron, does anybody have any questions?

00:45:08--> 00:45:14

If you guys have good questions, I'll take like two questions. If your questions are not that great and

00:45:18--> 00:45:19

then we'll just end the Facebook live right now

00:45:25--> 00:45:28

Zach Lohan's all of you who have shared kind words.

00:45:30--> 00:45:55

With me. Normally when I do Facebook Lives, I turn the comments off because it's distracting. But this time, I actually did this Facebook Live because I wanted to share with people, but I left the comments on I was reading your comments as I was talking about hamdulillah it didn't crash my brain, but it actually gave me some reassurance as if we had like a nice little gathering here. So I thank you for sharing this moment.

00:46:00--> 00:46:09

So a Santa's saying, was this your first step to begin your healing? And Sue Elise Elia says what coping techniques did you use? And?

00:46:11--> 00:46:16

And sub sobs why Watty? Han said, what made you share this trauma?

00:46:19--> 00:46:27

What so have a sense question, is this the first step to begin my healing? And the answer is no, it's not. If anything, this could be like a

00:46:29--> 00:46:46

I wouldn't say it's the cream or the top at the end of the healing. So I've been spending the last two years hoping to calm down the nerves not really seeking out, you know, psychiatry type of healing but just trying to hope that time would heal it.

00:46:47--> 00:46:57

And my coping, or sorry, the technique that I use, again, it's not with knowledge, but was to come to Umbra

00:46:58--> 00:47:12

during a downtime, and I don't know what I was getting into, but I was just hoping that I could find a way to to relieve this stress that I feel and hamdulillah Inshallah,

00:47:13--> 00:47:32

hopefully a big part of that has has happened, I really needed this incident that happened in Amara this morning, Allah I really needed that. So even more than just a sandal Bay was for this whole past two years to know that Allah subhanaw taala hears us.

00:47:37--> 00:47:40

Ceman in Scotland or Alikum Osama smath.

00:47:45--> 00:48:00

Saira says, What specific steps did you use to work through your PTSD? So there is a recommended type of therapies? I think it's called ERDM or EE MD ours, I think it's something like that.

00:48:01--> 00:48:21

It's a specific type of therapy that they recommend for people with PTSD. I recently I'm talking about like last week, started looking up psychiatrist in my local area who do this kind of therapy, and inshallah Tada, maybe I will look into look into it and Shawn

00:48:30--> 00:49:11

Zaid says, Did you seek help, there is much taboo regarding seeking help for such things. You know, the issue of there's taboo, I think that was a long time ago, you know, a long time ago, meaning like, oh, it's taboo to have a psychiatrist. Now. It's like, cool. You know, if I had a psychiatrist, I'd be like, telling you guys Hey, guys, I have a psychiatrist. I'm so cool. So for those of you who are afraid of this community, taboo, nobody cares anymore in sha Allah, psychiatrist, I have a life coach. And I find a lot of my discussion with my life coach is about psychiatry type of stuff. My coach helps me but I wonder how much more actual psychiatrists can help

00:49:11--> 00:49:18

me with some of these techniques in sha Allah so I look forward to continuing that

00:49:19--> 00:49:21

with somebody who knows

00:49:27--> 00:49:36

me remote door it was great to see you on this page share it's been a while benefited from your reflection from I thought that was your brother, Zach Allaha and EMEA.

00:49:49--> 00:49:59

And you're saying now and people say why does Mohammed a sheep not lead a hydro group anymore? He's going to link them to this lecture. Yeah, then they're not going to go for Don't worry

00:50:00--> 00:50:09

A inshallah to Allah, you'll find people like me, who have gone through the traumas that they can help protect you from getting in similar situations and

00:50:15--> 00:50:44

I'll end with this comment from number one fan as mad dB. I feel this lot this was this live was meant to remind me, but I'm not on my own. And to be reminded by you, Chef Muhammad has really shocked me, but I'm so proud of you in the last two weeks. I really experienced the horrible thoughts that I've had in the past. I've gone back into counseling. I have also made me to do Umrah for healing. I'm desperate now please make dua for all of us who go through it.

00:50:47--> 00:50:51

Does Aquila Highland sounds from Mecca mocha Rama