Forgive & Forget – Special Q&A Session
Channel: Muhammad Alshareef
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As Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. Welcome to this special edition of the mass daily community huddle sending peace and love around the world say Sudan where you're from and we will begin in either five minutes or if the number of attendees reaches a specific amount. The score is tied. Three Three
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We either hit a certain number or at the top of the hour we begin
who wants to throw out their questions from now yesterday we're talking about forgive and forget. And people are saying things like what if it's your family members? What if you, you want to distance yourself from them stuff like that. So learn from Keirsey Hamid Holic Masala
or en de Mola pronounce my name correctly. That was a fluke. Iran Shoka duetica Muslim
for tune in Nairobi,
Kenya, it's almost covered here in London. Then go pray what are you doing here? Get off the internet.
Jay in Chinatown, New gamer cheer to listen to you. Nice
man I have a Playstation and I haven't taken it out of the box for like two and a half years. I need to take it out.
So just like a loved one with being with us every day hamdulillah we're enjoying learning every day with you people let me see what that says people from Delaware yes Delaware that little state
between Maryland and New York and Ohio here in Nigeria Alec Messina two minutes to go share it watch party let's get this going people can we hit the number first or the top of the hour first? The score is three three
massager saga like mustered out
oh I think we're gonna hit the number are we gonna hit the number first? top of the hour first oh we went down by one
femme coaching Weligama Sam femme coaching
Okay, our first question Listen, guys, um, while I'm answering questions, you will be asking questions and it will you know what, let me get it out here. That's right, good points. I can put it on another screen.
If I do that I can see questions even if I miss it. Our number has gone down usually doesn't go up after it goes down. So top of the hour then
where's my page
how to forget one whom you love and how to forgive that person how to forget them.
I shimmers in Sri Lanka geography in California Malika Messina. We got married at Bell I think Mr. Nam trying to open a double
double thing here so that I can double open.
We will get started at the top of the hour.
We will start at the top of the hour question answers forgive and
Forget, forgive and forget does anybody get offended when I say and forget?
When I say forget does that offend you?
Why does it offend you?
Farzana says, What if you don't feel like doing anything? I'm trying to open up a second screen on my facebook but it's not alive. Facebook's Like just scrolling.
Anyways, the time has begun.
So now Monique rahmatullah wa barakato. Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu. salam ala Rasulillah. While early he was sabe Manuela, and my bad, go, Good Morning, Vietnam.
We have begun to date yesterday, we were doing a session or our community huddled and we were speaking about forgiveness, forgiveness from Allah subhanaw taala. I was talking about forgiveness from Allah. But you know, the issue of forgive and forget came up. Somebody said, I'm started off by saying, I forgive but I'll never forget. And I said, that's a dumb attitude.
He said, That's a dumb attitude. Because you're basically telling the person Hey, I forgive you. So all the guilt, and so you can live your life and enjoy it, but I'll never forget, I will suffer the pain for the rest of my life. And that's, that's why I said, it's a dumb attitude. Why would you do that as well, you know, at least you don't forgive yourself, let it go.
I'm trying to actually open up my Facebook on another screen so that I can so that I can see your questions properly.
But it is not opening and I'm trying again, and it's still not doing it. Okay, so today, inshallah Tada. There was a lot of questions related to that. And I decided that it would be nice to have a session dedicated to question answered where you could ask these questions directly. So let's start off. And so I don't necessarily see all the questions scrolling. And after a certain number of comments, Facebook doesn't even allow me to scroll up. So if you find that I'm coming to the end of a question, then post your question again, like when you post, copy, paste it so you can post it again. Of course, at the end, somebody's going to say I posted how many times and you didn't answer
my question below Obama, forgive and forget.
Okay, so let's start off with this one, Bush rub bake.
First question is if you forgive someone, and again, that person does something, what do you do? So I think that we have to first clarify what kind of mistakes a person does. Because you know what, there could be a mistake, like, Hey, I told my brother and my sister to clean their room, and they didn't clean it. And now I'm really mad. I forgave them once they didn't clean the room. But now I'm just like, it's gone too far. It's time to.
Like, so. And then there's another case, which is, and I'm actually looking at this, what if there is like forgiving somebody who murdered a family member of yours? How about forgiving? I'm not saying that you have to do that. But I'm just saying, what about those situations? What if it's a situation like, somebody's dear to you committed Zina, or something like that? There's some serious type of forgiveness. So that's why it might be a little bit different. The answers so you might have something in your mind, I'm talking about forgiveness, and you're like, wait a second, this person murdered a family member of mine. So please take it with a grain of salt. I don't know your
individual situation. So bear with me. And forgive. So I'm just giving general advice. But I want to tell you guys,
I'm gonna start off right from the from the top. What if it was somebody who murdered a family member of yours? Do you have the right to not forgive them and actually take them to court? And of course you do. So this is an incident that be dealt with and it's an a symptomatic of the law who reported. I never saw a case. I never saw like a legal case involving legal retaliation. So this is a legal case, the guardian of you know, the retaliation. I've never seen a case come to the province of a large set of being referred to the Prophet, the messenger of allah sallallahu sallam, except that he would recommend pardoning the criminal.
So even in legal cases, with legal retribution, legal retaliation, the Prophet sallallahu Sallam would recommend the Wakita, the owner of the who owns the retaliation to pardon the criminal. So for example, the man came to the profits of a lot a centum with somebody who killed a relative of his and the profits of a lot is that I'm told him forgive him. pardon him.
And the man refused. And then the prophets of Allah they sent him said, take the blood money, and the man refused.
And this last part you might,
might not understand, but he the prophets of Allah I sent him said fine going kill him because you're just like him. And then the man said, and so the Prophet, the man let and forgave that, that murder of his family members, this is incident, seven in the same for graded aside here. So the reason that I'm telling you this is that even levels of because I always try to, you know, when people come to me and ask a question, I like to know, how serious is the issue? So you might be asking about questions like, well, I got a mother in law, and she was really mean to me. And I don't know if I can forgive her right? And we're talking about murder of a family member. And I don't
think that's what you guys are talking about. So bear with me. So now to your question, which are, what if you forgive someone, and that person does, and does that same thing again.
So you can forgive somebody, but at the same time, you're not necessarily going to be bitten from the same snake hold twice. So let's suppose this person, you shared some secrets with them. And then they went and expose those secrets. So you might say, Hey, I forgive you. But I'm never going to share secrets with you. Again, I don't know what the case is. But that might be something that you want to look into. And that is not being bitten by the same snake again. So that actually happened to me once this person.
I was doing a class, and they, and they went online publicly. And they
and they insulted me. And they encourage people not to take my class. So So I had a discussion with this person. And I said nice things to the person, stuff like that. And then they went and took what I said and posted on Facebook, they said Muhammad is sure you said such and such, I'm like, oh my god, I'm talking to you privately. And this person actually took one of the worst parts of the things that I said, and and not I always say nice things, by the way, and posted it online. So then I said to this person, you know what, you will always be my brother, but you will never be my friend. I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to meet with you anything like that. You're
going to be my brother, but I'll never be your friend. So that was me learning my lesson. I don't want to you know, deal with you anymore. But you're always my brother for the sake of Allah. I make dua for you, Allah guide you. If you see me in the street, I will say Sudan to you. If you pass away, I will attend your Janaza. If your children are going to have a walima I will attend the walima all of the rights of a brother of a believer to another believer, but you're never my friends. By next.
Mister do Ajay.
Next question, and I actually was able to open it on another screen. Now. Let me see if I can get the questions here. Question. And it is live. It's gonna give you a double sound in a second.
Unless I'm muted. I would rather.
One moment, I'm just opening this on another screen so I can read your questions comfortably. Another believer, but you're never. Okay, great. And we are in business.
Jay's question says.
So I read most toxic people out of my life.
Sorry, I have to look down. I don't want to look down on a look at the camera when I'm reading. But what can you do? So I read most toxic people out of my life. But what about siblings who seem to be good hearted but are very mentally unstable ie name calling, putting down and living in paranoia? Islamically we can cut off right, but I am distancing myself from mental stability. What do I do? So Jay, if you talk just so you have siblings, right, brother, sister, you say they put people down and they live in paranoia. I don't know about the living in paranoia. But let's address the part about name calling. What if you have a brother or sister that's always calling you names. And you can get
rid of them. And that's not necessarily just sibling could be husband wife could be just somebody generally that their tongue just goes out. So this is what i This is the attitude that I'd like to approach. I'm not saying I'm perfect. But this is the attitude that I would like to implement. And that is this. Show them an example of how you would like to be treated by the way you treat them. Show them an example of how you want to be treated by the way you treat them. So that means that this person says Hey, you, you moron, wake up and you respond by saying hey, my beautiful sister.
You look wonderful today. And then it's really hard. Like it's like it says takes two hands to clap. It's really hard to
to for a flame to get bigger and bigger if there's no oxygen. If there's no wood if there's no air to inflame it, that
problem is that when somebody starts throwing out,
when somebody starts throwing out hurtful things,
we respond. And then it just goes back and forth. And unfortunately, we think that we're angels and we don't do the same thing. But give it give that person a chance to point out your, your behavior. They'll say, hey, they call me names as well, there, they do this, that or whatnot. So bottom line is have the attitude, I'm going to show my sibling an example of how I would like to be treated. Now, when we're talking about cutting somebody off, we're not we don't want to cut people off. What I've been trying to emphasize here is we want to maintain ties of kinship, but you don't have to be their best buddy buddy friends, right? So there's like 7 billion people in the world. How many buddy
buddy friends, are you with 7 billion people? A very few. So you don't have to be buddy buddy friends with people, but don't cut them off. So please make understand the difference between cutting somebody off, versus, hey, I will fulfill ties of kinship, but you're just not my friend, Alana. Next question.
Let's see who's up.
A DJ Alec Messina. smart aleck, Madame
Fatima Hussein, you're asking a question. I don't understand what you're saying. Ask it again. This is a question for Ultima asked it again, or re re rewrite it.
What she has common says
it's not easy to forget, especially if it has caused you a lot of pain even though you want to forget and forgive but the other party did not realize that they may have wronged the other person. How do you make that other person realize that they have caused pain? So first thing I see what you have? Is there this point that you say how do you make the person realize that they caused pain? What I what I was talking about yesterday is how do you forgive somebody who doesn't even care if you forgive them? What if this would you what if you go to this person and say you cause me a lot of pain, but I forgive you and the person responds, I don't care.
That's their response to you how, like, that's crazy. And the other thing is, sometimes people are angry at somebody who's passed away, they're dead, they're dead. So they're still holding the poison, then the like, I'll never forget the person who's doing that to somebody who's deceased. They're the only ones who are suffering this person who's holding that the I will not forget, they're the only ones suffering that other person's death they've left. So this is the the analogy that I gave for that is
this situation the prophets of Elijah had said about a man in the in the previous generations, who used to lend out money to people and then when the time for Bill collection would come, the Prophet said a lot I sent him said this man would send out his bill collectors and, and tell them go and collect money from such and such a person. And if they don't have the money, then forgive them, Perhaps Allah will forgive us. And so the prophets of Allah is that instead. And so Allah forgave that person. And so I tried to adopt that attitude, which is, whenever there is somebody who doesn't care if I forgive them, I'll say to myself, Oh Allah, I forgive this person between me and you, oh,
Allah, I forgive this person, so that perhaps you can forgive me. And so it can be my characteristic and so that you can treat me in the same way. Oh, Allah. That's how I resolve dealing with people who don't care if I forgive them or not.
rubina's says You are funny. Thanks for being I try my best.
Or in the more or less says, What if the person was family? How can you cut them? If what they did was horrible? Can you cut them? Cut them that has different meanings? Can you cut that?
If what they did was horrible. How do you deal with it?
So like I said, in the model there is
It depends on whether, sorry, my brain crashed. It depends on what this person did. You said what they did was horrible. Is it something that like, requires legal retaliation, or right there's different situations and sometimes, like you said, there's something very big
I don't think you want to cut them off, right because it's haram to cut somebody off, but instead and let me give you the example of this. So
in the situation with Abu Bakr Radi Allahu Anhu. And I Isha and people spread rumors one of the people who spread rumors against Aisha, they'll be Alana was her cousin and her cousin was somebody that the Prophet said a lot of you send them um, her cousin was somebody that sorry, that will bucket all the Alon took care of like financially and so after it was known that I shoveled the lawn How was innocent, then I will work on the line who said I will cut off my nephew. I will cut off my nephew and Allah subhanaw taala revealed in the Quran well yeah, who will use for who Allah to hipbone and your fear Allah Allah, Allah subhanaw taala says let them pardon and let them overlook
and add to have Boehner annual federal law How would you not love for Allah to forgive you? Well, hola hola foreigner Rahim. And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. And this this, this Aya is meant to like this situation with this, this situation that was built up against the Ayesha Quran was revealed in it, it was something incredibly horrible. And yet Allah subhanaw taala says, don't cut them off and add to him don't feel alone. Just like we want Allah to forgive us, then the same way, we would forgive that family member like like I said, it's not that you get bitten from the snake hold same, you don't put your hand in the same stakeholders get bitten twice, but you don't cut them
off. You just you know, maintain ties of kinship but.
Because he has question, is there an A in the Quran that says we should forgive and forget? So fuzzy? There's lots of ads that speak about forgiveness. So the interesting thing about forgiveness is that
and sorry, the interesting about, forget,
we usually don't forget things. When it's unresolved, if something is unresolved, then the pain stays with us. So even when people say I'll forgive and I won't forget, that's kind of that's kind of Buck was, because the reason that they haven't forgotten is because the pain, the forgiveness hasn't happened. What usually happens is that once you forgive, then the forget comes along with it. It's almost like when you forgive somebody, you're the one who benefits from it. When someone when you're angry at somebody, when you're angry at somebody, I say it like this, so somebody was a jerk. They were a jerk and they're making you mad. And late at night you spend, you know, you're boiling
and you keep thinking about them. What I would say to this person is look that person that you think is a jerk, they own a property in your brain, I need you to evict them. So don't let them hurt you in your head you need to evict them and how you evict them is you forgive them, let them go out now forgive them maybe they don't care about forgiveness. But Allah subhana wa Tada we forgive them so that Allah subhanaw taala can can treat us with forgiveness, the benefit will come to you. They leave and are evicted from your brain and you move on with your life and it is what it is.
And if the person really did harm to you, so I'm just saying like forgiveness, maybe it's you just leave it in the hands of Allah subhanaw taala such as Kemet to Dino to then we will be treated the way we treat others. So let's suppose I know somebody you know, the the person that I'm thinking of right now is somebody who goes around frauding people frauding people for 1000s of dollars. And and this is like some fraud thing that's been going on for a long time. And so many people are involved in stuff like that. And I think of this person, and it's a Muslim person. And then
so I dealt with this person got my money back. And then I wondered to myself, you know, like I don't want this person to sit in my brain. So I forgiven them. I think this person's family, this person's married, this person has children, I think of their family and that humanizes the person for me that's on one side. And the other side is I think to myself, may Allah subhanaw taala protect I don't wish bad for this person. But when somebody deals
like cheats people, they will be treated the way that they treat others. So if they've humiliated people, they will be humiliated. If they cheat people they will be cheated, that that the same thing will come back to them and so I know that they will get their
their award quote unquote reward for what they do and they need to repent to Allah Spano Donna
And then that also allows me to let go of the situation or the person.
neuron you're saying didn't that incident caused you a lot of pain, depression and time wasting? How do you deal with it afterwards? You didn't actually don't remember which situation you're talking about.
So, I forget, but there's lots of things that cause pain and time wasting, how do you deal with it afterwards?
Dealing with something if if there's something that's like bothering you, and you and you've delayed it for so long.
You here's the thing, you know, what, when when there is somebody that's bothering me, or some situation that's bothering, what I do is, I take it as an opportunity to try to practice what I preach. And so I'll say, Hey, I've been telling everybody forgive and forget, and I have all these techniques, mental health techniques and whatnot. Let me see if these techniques work in the real world now that I angry and dealing with this person and.
so I take it as a challenge to use my tools.
Rubina says, can you say that to your relatives, you are never my friends, but I forgive you and I can, can I stay away from them? So Robina, I didn't say cut them off. And staying away from somebody sounds a little like cutting off. Meaning like, don't come to my house, I'm not coming to your house, whatnot. It's more of you're just not actively trying to become their friend. And this person that I told that, you know, you'll always be my brother, but you'll never be my friend. He wasn't my relative, it wasn't my blood relative, just a random person. I think that saying that to somebody saying that to like a blood sister or brother like, Hey, you're never going to be my friend. That's
kind of intense. And I don't think that's respectful. So instead, just you know what, you just have that attitude, which is, hey, you know what, you'll always be my brother, you'll always be my sister, but
we're just not going to be friends. And there's not a problem. You have your life I have my
What if it's you who don't forget or forgive yourself? Interesting?
What if it's you?
Who don't forget or forgive yourself? So you're basically you committed some incident like, let's suppose, you know, random, I need to give examples from myself. So I understand what's what, what's going on. So this question from Red Cherry says, let's suppose you treated somebody badly. Yeah. Let's suppose you cheated a business partner, okay. And then, and then you don't forget, and you don't forgive yourself.
So what should you do? You should make amends. So you do Toba to Allah subhanaw taala. You make amends. If you hurt somebody, in the real world, ask the further forgiveness. Maybe if you took money from them and try to return the money maybe they've gone on, and that's too late or something like that. So you try to make amends with that human, and you make amends between you and Allah subhanaw taala. If you've done all those things, and then you're not like you keep guilting yourself.
I don't. So there will be a benefit that you're getting this is getting a little deep, but usually you won't let go because you're benefiting in some way. You're benefiting in some way. I don't know what that benefit is maybe journaling or being with a coach or a therapist will help you get the get to the bottom of why what benefit you get from holding on to the pain. And then once you see that, what is the benefit that you're getting? By holding on to guilt or holding on to pain, then you can maybe properly address it
the singers question
Allah on the singers question when somebody has been harmed repeatedly by another should they forgive and demand or request an apology? So just because I'm so
I'm saying from from my side, one of the problems is when when, like, think of a car and the keys to the car for mental health reasons and forbid if you give the keys to the car to somebody else. So you tell them like I'm not going to feel better until you apologize. So this and what if the person says no, I'm not gonna apologize. So you made it almost like you know what are
like, it's like you're not in control. So I would wish that your rule is something like to the effect of, you know, whether you will apologize or not, this is over for me or this situation, or I learned my lesson or whatever it is. The situation is old and for me if you apologize, that's great.
And I would love it. If you don't apologize. I'm in control of my emotions. So I keep trying to come back to. And sorry, this is a like a footnote about blame. One of the problems with blaming is that it takes power away from you. So when you blame someone, so that says, like, you know, I didn't get my degree because, you know, my husband is always running around doing his own thing, and it's all his fault. So one of the problems with blaming is that it takes away your power, and kind of like what you're asking is when you're requesting hey, you need to give me an apologize, it takes away your power. If they apologize, that's great. They don't apologize. You always want to bring it back
that my emotions are in my control based on you know, rules that that I decide.
She's Arne says, What if you leave it in the hands of Allah subhanaw taala? What if you leave it in the hands of Allah? So I think what you're talking about is, Hey, you want retribution. But you say to yourself, you know what, I don't forgive this person. But I leave it in the hands of Allah subhanaw taala. So I would add to your wishes, art, I would say why don't you do this, that I want my character to always be that I forgive people so that Allah will forgive me, even if they don't care if I forgive them, and I leave them, their affairs to Allah, if they if Allah wants to forgive them, hamdulillah Allah doesn't want to forgive them, then you know, that's between them and Allah
subhanaw taala. But I would wish Shirzad that you would add the part about
that make it your character to forgive people so that Allah will forgive you, because there will come times in your life. This is the problem because we all receive pain and we give pain, like it's not like everybody here on this session is the one receiving pain we all give and receive. And so if we always make it our attitude to not forgive people, then we will come across people in our lives, who will treat us in the same way and they will not forgive us. So it goes both ways. So I would say hey, I want to forgive this person who I actually don't like, but maybe down the road, I will harm somebody else. And I would wish for them to forgive me. So that's what I'm saying. So you do ask him
for forgiveness so that Allah forgive you, and you're and you're forgiving people so that inshallah Tada, you will be treated in the same manner. This comes to this comes in response to even seating and I'm Allah, if you read his biography, there's a lot of great scholars over you know, over the centuries, and they say, and a lot of scholars people would back by it on them and write reputation and they really bad things. But they say even see it again, Rahim. Allah never used to say bad things about anybody. And they say that his legacy almost was people didn't say bad things about him as well. So it's like he was treated the way he treated other people or him Allah.
Take that with a grain of salt.
But she says children are best example to forgive and forget we should learn from them. Exactly. You know, what I love about children, maybe really young children is they forget like, you can have a baby that's so mad at you. You took their you took their toy and they hate your guts. And then 30 seconds later, there's like, hey, let's be friends again. So memory. Yes.
Okay, we'll end at half an hour after the hour in Charlotte. I know there's some bigger questions coming up down the road. And it's been awesome, but I don't want to get hold you guys too long. This is from Louisiana. Did you answer my question from yesterday? What happens when you know you owe an apology to somebody but they are inaccessible or unapproachable? How do you live with wanting to ask but not having the opportunity?
So I think you know better what inaccessible and unapproachable means unapproachable might be like, hey, you know what, they're not
so, so inaccessible. If you sent them an email, would they be inaccessible? Or you don't know their email? If you wrote them a letter, a snail mail letter? And you know, no return address or anything like that. And you just wrote an apology? Would that be a problem? Because you're saying they're inaccessible and unapproachable. And I'm thinking of some, you know, thriller novels where, you know, somebody falls off the grid and you cannot find them anymore. I don't think that's what you're talking about. You're just saying that this is somebody's kind of like, cold, cold shoulder. And you know, you haven't been speaking to them for a long time and whatnot. If you know their address, why
not write them a letter from the heart and just send it and then that's it. So between you and
And Allah subhanaw taala you wrote the letter and you sent it off and hola us so that's what I that's what I recommend. It says how do you live with wanting to ask but not having the opportunity? I think you have the opportunity. It just might be. You might be scared
to do it
Alright folks, we are done.
Apologize if anybody if there's any continued questions inshallah Tada, it's been, it's been great. I don't like to keep these too long. So inshallah Tada maybe in the future we'll also have some nice q&a sessions here and there. Tell your friends about the MAS daily huddle. visionair Ramadan is coming up soon. Check it out. visionair ramadan.com This is a program that I've been doing in Ramadan for like the last seven years consistently year after year after year. I go into isolation to teach his class and this year we're all in isolation to take visionary Ramadan inshallah. Alright, check it out. So Nicola.