Marriage and Family Issues

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Mufti Menk

Channel: Mufti Menk

Topics: Marriage

Episode Notes

An lecture delivered at the Peace and Unity Convention in Abuja, Nigeria.

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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smilla rahmanir rahim In the name of Allah subhanho wa Taala Most Gracious, Most Merciful All praise is indeed due to Allah subhanho wa Taala we send blessings and salutations upon Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam on Sunday, Sunday mala

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Nabina Muhammad Allah, Allah Allah He was happy with

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those blessings and salutations upon Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, we ask Allah Subhana Allah to bless his household, his companions, and May Allah subhanho wa Taala bless every one of us, I mean,

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my brothers and sisters in Islam,

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it is important for us to know

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that when we speak about the family unit, or we speak about marriage,

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we have guidelines from the Lord of the worlds from the very beginning, where the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him, tells us

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how to choose a spouse. Now, it was easy for me to start off from the birth of a human being because from the point of birth, the upbringing that the parents have for that particular child will affect in a very great way, the attitude of the child, the faith of the chart, those are the two primary cornerstones that make up a healthy relationship.

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If you want to know whether you will get along with someone or not, you need to see two things. And this is not only in marriage, in anything, you need to look at their relationship with their maker, if they have a good relationship with their maker, which is truthful and not hypocritical. What that means is sometimes you have a person praying five times a day, and I see this happening more and more. You know, Allah subhanho wa Taala says, In a similar

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fashion.

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Indeed, the Salah, or the prayer itself will prohibit people from all prohibited from

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immorality and evil. But people are fulfilling salah and still they are immoral and they are evil. I don't know if you are seeing this. It's because there is something lacking in that prayer, perhaps the sincerity, perhaps the genuineness. If you are really concerned about the Almighty, you will be able to protect yourself by the will of Allah subhanho wa Taala from anything that would disturb the relationship between you and your maker. And automatically it would result in you praying, it would result in you abstaining from the prohibitions of Allah subhanho wa Taala if I were a person who's constantly worried about the next prayer, where do I have the time to sin? When I don't, I read my

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salah and my mind is on wall My mind is on the next prayer. I read the afternoon prayer My mind is on the late afternoon prayer I read the late afternoon prayer My mind is on the prayer at sunset Murray and they and so on. So May Allah subhanho wa Taala make it easy for us. Sometimes we pray but we are not genuine we just do it because our friends are doing it all because we don't want to be seen as someone who's not praying.

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So learn to develop the sincerity when you are praying. Take your time, communicate with Allah subhanho wa Taala take more time in sujood and Allah subhanho wa Taala will open your doors, my brothers and sisters in any relationship you check the link that that person has with the maker and then you check the character and conduct this is why when it comes to marriage the Prophet peace be upon him did not say that you must marry the person who looks the best you must marry the person who has the most money you must marry the person who comes from the highest family in terms of lineage that is respectable, or you must marry someone just because they are popular or powerful. No he says

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Kaylee either command carbona Dina who Luca who was a widow who Subhan Allah if a proposal comes to you,

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that is satisfactory.

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The person proposing is good in his Deen and that means relationship with Allah and relationship with the creatures of the same Allah. That's what it means. Allah, I have a relationship with Him. And those who Allah made I have a relationship with them. When I look at others, I don't look at them as rich and poor and dark and fair and powerful and not powerful. I look at them as creatures of the same maker who made me their entitlement is just like mine. That's it.

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So when I look at them in that way, and I respect them, it develops my own character and conduct I finally understood where I fit in. I fit in just like another creature of Allah subhanho wa Taala. If the deen is good, which means they are linkwood Allah is good, and the character is good, allow them to be married, let it happen. That doesn't mean force your daughters Not at all. It means if a man proposes or a woman proposes, and the other party is interested, and they would like to get married you as a person who is a guardian needs to look into these two things. If they're interested in these two things I in order, don't say no, unnecessarily. This person comes from the south. No

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way, not my daughter, who are you? Who are you? Allah Who made you gave you temporary temporary guardianship of the child, Allah will take the child away. Many of us today, a friend of mine, shaman, who we studied together with told me he had a baby nine months, he went a few days ago in South Africa, for the vaccination, and three days later the child died. May Allah subhanho wa Taala grant him Saba and grant him a good reward for the patience. It's, it's tough. But when we when the child is young, we don't realize this child actually belongs to Allah, we say my son, my son, my daughter, my daughter, my son, my dad, so panela Yes, yours, I agree. So panela, but temporarily, as

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for Allah, it is permanent, belongs to Allah before it was given to you and will belong to Allah after it's taken away from you remember that? So your job as a parent is only to fulfill what Allah asked you to fulfill because he's going to question you about it as part of your test. That's it. He's going to question you, I gave you an Amana a trust for a short period of time. What did you do with that particular trust we entrusted you with? Oh, I just did what I wanted, because I was the big boss of Abuja. Who are you?

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Literally, that's the question. Imagine when we get on the day of judgment and we are standing in front of Allah subhanho wa Taala we have no answer. What did you do? I refused. I allowed my child to commit adultery because I made marriage very difficult.

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When you share, you share a part of the sin. Remember that you definitely do.

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Need to make it as easy as possible. Listen, my brothers and sisters, the more difficult we make halaal the easier we are making Haram, the more difficult we make that which is permissible, the easier we are making that which is prohibited. Remember that. So Allah subhanho wa Taala tells us about these two characters through the blessing glimpse of Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wasallam anyone you'd want to deal with? You need to develop these two things and understand you will get along with people who have the same two qualities. If I have God consciousness, I have a link with Allah and I worried about Allah and I'm worried about everything Allah Subhana Allah you get along

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with me very easily.

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For as long as you have a same concern, and your links are also similar. May Allah make it easy for every one of us. Brothers and sisters, let us promise to develop our character, our conduct, we will build the marriage and the family, develop your character and conduct but primarily to begin with. There is something I want to talk to you about.

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You know, when you're getting married the Imam he comes forth and he recites a few verses in the Arabic language we call it hooked, but we'll hajer Okay, what does it start with? Let me recite one or two verses or parts of it. The first verse, yeah.

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Bakula, the

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OB will be conscious of who made you be conscious of the one who made you who created you who nourishes who provides for who is in control of you be conscious of him. taqwa What is the meaning of taqwa before I get into it. I tell you the end of that verse. Allah says, What duckula second time in the same verse?

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What to

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be conscious of Allah whose name you use to ask for things from one another? You know, we say, well, we

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don't we say that we want people to believe us. We want people to do things for us, etc. We use the name of Allah nowadays, when a Muslim says

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what happens?

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Especially when they say

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there's a problem. There's something wrong there. They did not need to say that. So Pamela, you could have said, well, like it's not wrong to say well, and sometimes you know, it's part of the speech because what lie is part of the speech. You see what I just said.

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Which means Allah subhanho wa Taala speaks about now your

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Wi Fi Monica

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Bhima

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Allah does not hold against you that which you say in terms of oath by Allah, as you are passing in speech, someone says, What's the time lie? My brother? It's about 11 o'clock. What do you mean is oh my brother, it's about 11 o'clock, but it's part of your speech. Some people have the statement that they keep uttering. It's not wrong. It's part of speech. It's not wrong to say that, for example, someone says, How will you say What? Are you my brother? I'm okay. My sister, you know, Hamden. I thank Allah. That doesn't mean I'm taking an oath. That's the name of Allah that's being used as part of my speech. Allah says, I won't punish you for that. I know that that both parties are aware

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of the fact that it's just part of a statement. But Allah says when you promise when you are taking it all, and you are making it confirmed, someone says How old are you? You say 40 to 43? Are you sure? Well, I'm 42 or 43. Sorry, I'm not giving my age away. I'm just telling you, okay.

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I could be Who knows?

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So Allah subhanho wa Taala is informing us of this. Allah is saying twice in the poor in the same verse, be conscious of Allah. Number one, he says, the one who made you number two, he says, The one whose name you use.

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And then he adds to that one. Be conscious of your relatives, those who are connected to you from the wounds. So Allah ham is the plural of writing, which means the womb, the womb, the womb, Subhana Allah be conscious of those who are related to you through the womb, you know why? Because it was Allah alone, who decided that they will be related to you no one else. Think about it for a moment, your relative no matter who they are, how are they related to you? Was it your choice? Okay, take away the husband or the wife because you had a small role to play right? But we're talking of those related to you through the womb? Was it your choice? No.

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No, you can desperately want to have been the brother or the sister of someone. You can only be their brother and sister in humanity at times or if it's a bigger gift, it's humanity as well as brother and sister in faith Mashallah. So choco taco ally second secondary, another verse.

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Yeah, I

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got Ducati.

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Me moon, oh you who believe be conscious of Allah subhanho wa Taala. And do not allow yourself to die except in the condition of Islam or in the condition of submission to Allah that means live your life every day as though you are going to die on that day. So you are obedient to Allah subhanho wa Taala. Someone might say how can I ensure that I'm alive or sorry that I pass away in the condition of Islam? How can I be sure that I will be a submitter when I die? The answer is, every day if you ensure that in yourself, you realize I may not see the end of today. So let me do something between me and Allah, then they will come a day when that will definitely be your last day.

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So that's another verse talking about taqwa, consciousness of Allah, etc. The third one also Allah says,

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This is only part of the verse. Oh you who believe be conscious of Allah taqwa for the fourth time in this quote, but they are eating just before you get married. One of the places where it is red.

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That means the first and primary Cornerstone and foundation of

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a happy home. Happy Family. happy marriage is the quality. Now one might say let's expand slightly on the term taqwa for the next few minutes. A lot of the people say Allah, have you heard that fear Allah fear Allah. It's commonly used. Some people would say be conscious of Allah. I'm one of those I would say be conscious of Allah. It is a more positive term than fear Allah fear is more of health than taqwa cough is more fear. taqwa is actually from the creation of a barrier between you and something. And this is why the allama have explained that the term taqwa is derived from the deeper meaning to create a barrier between you and the anger of Allah, the displeasure of Allah, the

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punishment of Allah we

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means love Allah. When it comes to Allah, I will fulfill my Salah, but because I'm scared of Allah, but I'm rather scared of the punishment of Allah, I'm scared to displease Allah. So I am worried if I displease him I will be punished more than that punishment is actually the displeasure of the one who made me.

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So there should be an element of love in taqwa. When you love someone, you don't want to displease them. Do you understand? When I love someone, I really don't want to displease them. People say I love my mom, I love my dad, but they're not allowing me to marry who I want to marry. Well, maybe you have a problem. Maybe they have a problem. Or maybe both of you have a problem.

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I can't just say your dad is wrong, because I don't know the guy. If I knew him, I might also say no.

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And just to clarify that if you want to say no, you need to have a valid reason he needs to have been someone really out of tune completely, you know, no fulfilment of his duties unto Allah and no fulfillment of his duties unto the rest of humanity, bad habits, etc.

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It brings me to the points if you're listening carefully. These are points that are foundations of happy marriages. You don't have a bad habit. If you have a bad habit. Kiki, including smoking. It's a bad habit. People do it socially. You know what the social smoking

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What was that for? And just puffing to show you at KFC we get onion rings from my mouth, you get smoke rings stopzilla smoke rings

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Have you seen how they do and it comes out like this? And they try to impress quit the habit Smoking kills.

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Though the whole world will tell you that people say is it halal haram haram What is it

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whatever it is it's bad terrible quitted cut it now because on the box it says it kills all it is hazardous to the health. How can you as a Muslim still think that you know what, it's fine for me to do this.

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Now Allah subhanho wa Taala guidance. I met a friend once for your information. It was not in Nigeria. Okay. So he had a cigar big one, Cuban from Cuba. And he's just passing I said, What do you get out of it? He says presents the status. It's the status, the status.

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May Allah subhanho wa Taala forgive us what kind of status is this? Like the people who go gambling and they all sitting together putting more and more and they think well, it's the status when I go there, I'm giving respect but you're losing money. You're doing something haram you're learning the displeasure of Allah, you becoming mates with shaman and you saying it's a status? Well, May Allah forgive us, that breaks the family. It breaks the marriage as well cut out these bad habits no matter what they are.

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So taqwa is actually has within it an element of the love of Allah that is so deep that you don't want to displease Allah because you know, if I love Allah so much, I create a barrier between me and the displeasure of Allah. Allah Allah, Allah Azza wa Jalla vena cava.

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taqwa is to create a barrier between you and the punishment of Allah by doing what Allah wants. And by staying away from his prohibition, sometimes there is no barrier between you and the sin. But you just say no, I won't do it. I don't want to displease The one who made me I actually love him. I love him so much Subhana Allah. May Allah subhanho wa Taala grant us a deep understanding. So the first foundation of any relationship is taqwa. If you're conscious of Allah, automatically, it will be a pleasure to interact with you.

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Because you don't have a closet where you hide all the skeletons.

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And if you've done things wrong in the past, you have sought the forgiveness of Allah subhanho wa Taala. We need to remember this. So this is taqwa. This is something important. Let's take a look at some of these verses, because I've just read them now. And I realized that one of these verses speaks also about the tongue. Oh you who believe be conscious of Allah. And only after that which is upright guru Colin Sadiq said it means straight upright, only after that which is upright. Imagine if you're in your marriage, and you only say things that are upright. It cuts out your swear words, it cuts out your life. It cuts out all sorts of false rude and insulting words, abusive words, and

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hurtful words. Many men and women, we say things to our children, our parents, our spouses that are so hurtful and we think that we are entitled, we don't even consider it sinful.

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When you your child is making a noise shout out.

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Relax.

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So

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I went into one home and they said, Hey,

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There was some noise going on in the background and someone started screaming.

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What were they saying? They tried to keep the children quiet.

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And then they said, Stop screaming.

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What are you doing?

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What are you doing?

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It's silly. You are screaming to tell people to stop screaming. And that's what we do. We tell people to do not to do things we are doing right now, right here. It doesn't help. So when you want someone to be in a certain way, you need to be in that way. First. That's another foundation

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to be a role model. I want my children not to commit adultery, but I'm everywhere every day and I'm praying for my daughters and my sons. Allah forgive us.

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Allah strengthen us. I want my children to pray to dress appropriately. But I'm only interested in everything, everything material.

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I'm not saying it's wrong to have handbags and accessories and so on and so forth. But when your whole life rotates around just that,

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and that's a hook or crook, if you can afford something allows blessed you with something.

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You know, Allah allows you There was once a man who walked in the presence of Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam and he had tatty clothing and the Prophet sallallahu Sallam obviously inspired by Allah revelation received by Allah subhanho wa Taala in so many different ways.

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He asked him, What do you have? The man says, Well, I have a lot I have huge.

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I have a large flock

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of sheep and goats and so on livestock. The Prophet sallallahu Sallam looked at his clothing, his clothing was tetanus and asked him to go back and address some of more appropriately.

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And he said, Leo,

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Mata Allahu Allah,

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when Allah has blessed you, at least it should, it should show in your appearance. Amazing.

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Mashallah, when Allah has blessed you, it should show in your appearance, he did not say that it should show negatively in your character. That's what happens to us. Once we are blessed. We have authority, we have power, we have money. We think that's it, the rest of the people are buying the way we're lucky the driver who drives you might be closer to Allah than you ever were.

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Remember that.

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I don't know why I've given you the example of a driver.

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But it's it could be the cook the person working for you, the person whom you disrespect, the person who you think there was nothing they are worth more in the eyes of Allah we are not with even if the one wing of a fly in the eyes of Allah. It's called Jana Baba, we're not even with that sometimes, and the people we think are weak and low, there are so valuable in the eyes of Allah Subhana Allah.

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So remember this, my brothers and sisters if you want your children, and if you want your family members to live a life that is good. You start living that life so that you can exemplify what you would like from them.

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Put it into an example, to lead by example is one of the most powerful ways taught by Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, one of the reasons why Allah chose him to go through challenges, difficulties, hardship, etc, etc. was not because he deserved it. Because he was the complete example. If someone wanted to emulate his life totally, they would definitely be from among those who endured because the most beloved is the most beloved unto Allah endured so much. Then the more Allah makes me enjoy, the more loved I am to Allah.

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The Hadith says when Allah loves you, he tests you. One might ask how if I love my child, I give them everything.

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with Allah, that is what he gives. He knows when I've given you a lot, I will test you so that you come close to me give you an example. A lot of us Masha Allah, Allah has blessed us, right? We have so many blessings, these blessings that Allah has given us. Sometimes they drift us away from the same amount who gave them to us. Allah gave you money, you stopped coming to the masjid.

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It started changing your attitude. Allah gave you some form of power, you started harming people, and you started attacking and pretending that you were a nice person yet you were doing evil. So Allah says, hang on, we diagnose you with cancer. That's it.

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What happened?

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First time after many years, you got the result. And you said, Yeah, Allah, what happened to that Allah? Now there was a big bell that rang. What happened? Yeah, you said that for the first time genuinely after 10 years of having everything. Allah says I love you. That's why I just let you be positive. So that positive in your sickness so that you can come to me now I heard you say my

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Come, I want to bring you further. You're going to get worse in health, but you will get stronger in spirituality. Now you start to cry. You go to the doctor, the doctor says, Sorry, you just have four months to live. That's it.

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From that day, Dad, you're up. So Pamela, you're crying to Allah subhanho wa Taala. You are saying, Oh Allah

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Subhana Allah. Allah says, I love you. Now do you realize when a man loves you, he tests you because he knows that will bring you to him, you come to him. And sometimes your law takes me out of this analysis, I want you I want this relationship is so beautiful. Look at you, you're so close to me. I want to keep you in this condition for another four years. Imagine if you could hear Allah say that. What would happen? You would say no, no, no, no. And then I know of a person who when he was sick, he says, Oh Allah, if you kill me, I will do this. I will never miss a Salah. I will do this. And I will do that. Be careful of big, big promises while you are in and sick. Because once you become a

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person who's healthy again, yes, the four of you cannot compromise but other things that you might have promised. Who knows what will happen? I know of a person who started reading his Salah because he was not well, and it was a serious illness. And a few years later, he became well, and we did not see him again in the masjid. Subhan Allah so guess what happened?

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A little time later, the same sickness came back. That was another gift of Allah. When I spoke to him, as a counselor, as a Muslim, I told him my brother, this was Allah taking you back to where you were in spirituality, but your health might have gone back your closeness to Allah is definitely much much more.

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My brothers and sisters we were talking about leading by example, we were talking about the gifts of Allah. When we have these gifts of Allah, sometimes we tend to distance ourselves from Allah subhanho wa Taala. Bring yourself closer to Allah learn how to speak to people, I was speaking about how you never know how close someone is to Allah. Yet, in terms of worldly hierarchy, they are far lower than you but in the eyes of Allah, they are the ones they are the ones who can Allah, Allah subhanho wa Taala grant us ease. Remember,

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any marriage or relationship within the family is based on respect, respect, we know that you need to respect one another. It's based on tolerance is based on the correct use of the tongue.

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I know I'm rattling them out one after the other. But I want to expand on something that you might not have expanded on before and that is, it is based on giving people the independence that Allah has allowed them to have.

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Remember that many people will not talk about this.

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Today, we have problems in homes, you know why we want to control that's why

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Allah says wait, give them let them fish, give them the rod, let them fish within the limits of Allah give them their freedom. I don't know exactly of this nation, or the culture that happens in your societies. But I can tell you across the globe, we have a problem. What problem many of them connected to when you get married?

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People look at you as someone

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who has to fulfill a role that is semi impossible to fulfill. So what was the point of getting married, and the other side of the coin is true. Also, we get married and sometimes we don't want any responsibility. We think it's a honeymoon. Like I said yesterday. We think it's a honeymoon. So you know when you're on honeymoon. What's the difference between honeymoon and when the honeymoon is over? Can I tell you

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when you're on a honeymoon, guess what happens?

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Your wife is honey, honey, everything honey? Hi, honey, you're okay honey.

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And two weeks later when she has to cook at home, so panela honeymoon is over, isn't it? She becomes sugar no more no more honey. So now you call her sweetie. Hi, sweetie. What happened to the honey you don't know. honeymoon is over you downgraded. You're now sweetie. Subhana Allah May Allah subhanho wa Taala help us and after that, amen. Sugar, sugar,

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sugar, so

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you're downgrading me without me realizing I'm so excited about it, but that's what it is honeymoons over after that. He calls you names. I remember one,

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you know forward that we received on the phone ones from one of my friends and he says there was a man who kept he was an old man. 70 years old. 75 years old and he kept referring to his wife with all these beautiful terms sweetie and honey and lovey dovey and everything else. And they said you're so romantic. How come you have all these names? You know that you call? He says you know to be honest that

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forgot her name 40 years ago.

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May Allah subhanho wa Taala not let that happen to us, my brothers and sisters.

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Remember, marriage is one of the biggest sacrifices you will ever make. Remember that both male and female, if you are not prepared to sacrifice your entire system, your style will change. That's the sacrifice you have to make on both sides. If you're not prepared to sacrifice, perhaps it's not going to last, perhaps there's going to be turbulence, there are going to be problems. A lot of the main things you know, I don't need to adjust, she is the woman she must come in and adjust. Who said that the adjustment must happen on both sides a little bit here and a little bit there, give and take that's what it is to panela

00:30:49--> 00:30:50

we need to sacrifice

00:30:51--> 00:31:14

you know, before you know it, the wife is expecting and what happens. That is a sacrifice. You have to sacrifice your system, your sleep, sometimes you have to tolerate something grand sometimes not every pregnancy is the same. Every pregnancy is different, even with the same person. Every pregnancy is unique in one way or another.

00:31:15--> 00:31:19

So what happens, you as a husband, you need to also share

00:31:20--> 00:31:58

what is going on, be sensitive to it. Say words of love. When Allah says after that which is upright, go out of your way to say the most beautiful things to your spouse, considering it an act of worship both ways. Husband to wife, wife to husband. The problem is some men they know the most beautiful words. They will say oh, you look stunning. You're gorgeous, you know your drop dead gorgeous. You're this, you're that. But they are saying him to the wrong people. That's a problem. You know all the words, but when you come home, they're already

00:32:01--> 00:32:36

no one would believe unless they were CCTV on you. What you just added to another sister who was not even supposed to be uttered those words. No one would believe what you did. How do you want your family unit to develop? How do you want your marriage to strengthen? How do you want your children to learn when you are being so hypocritical, where it is deserved? You don't do it. And when it is not deserved? You do it. Many men could not be bothered to fulfill the conjugal rights of their own spouses because they do it in haram or sometimes they don't realize the Prophet sallallahu Sallam says people do it.

00:32:38--> 00:32:41

When you fulfill the intimate rights

00:32:42--> 00:32:54

of your spouse, it is a sadhaka it is an act of worship. It is a charity. The Sahaba was surprised. They listened to me have sex with my wife. And it's an act of worship. Whoa.

00:32:56--> 00:32:58

So this is how messenger How is that?

00:33:01--> 00:33:01

You know what he said?

00:33:05--> 00:33:15

Do you see if this person fulfilled his desires in a way? Would he get a sim? They said yes, he would. Well, if he fulfilled it in the right way, he would get a reward.

00:33:16--> 00:33:17

So Panama.

00:33:19--> 00:33:24

Many people say you know when a man calls his wife, she's supposed to respond.

00:33:25--> 00:33:53

You know, Subhanallah? What about the wife's needs? Many men don't even want to talk about that. You've left her alone. She's remaining this way as though she's a widow. So Pamela, and she's not she has a husband. He's not really interested. He's not keen. She will touch you at night and so on. What do you do? Turn the other head trying to sleep? Don't you see? What am I doing? What time do I go? What did I see? I didn't say anything. Allah forgive us.

00:33:54--> 00:34:07

The only reason I'm speaking bluntly and directly is because my beloved messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has spoken in the same blunt and direct way. Otherwise, I would be ashamed of speaking and saying things

00:34:09--> 00:34:41

he spoke about in life open, clear, no hiding because Allah knows this problem was there and it's going to come where men sometimes think that's it. It's me. I'm only worried about me, me, me and me, you know, no way. Not at all. It is about us. It is about a family unit. A family unit is made up by more than one person otherwise, it's not called a family unit. A marriage is made up by more than one person otherwise it's not called a marriage. You can't say I'm a married man, when you don't have someone who called a wife.

00:34:43--> 00:34:44

You can't say you're married.

00:34:45--> 00:34:59

May Allah subhanho wa Taala grant a string. So my brothers and sisters, it's important for us to know to give people their independence when you're married. Sometimes people think and I know the in laws sometimes

00:35:00--> 00:35:15

In some cultures, like I said, I'm not totally aware of the culture here. But I know in a lot of the places in the world, a woman gets married. And the mother in law thinks that okay, I can now fire the maid I used to pay, because now I've got a maid whom I don't need to pay.

00:35:17--> 00:35:20

If that's the case, you have failed.

00:35:23--> 00:35:24

No woman

00:35:26--> 00:35:29

would actually say no.

00:35:31--> 00:35:33

To doing some of the household chores, if

00:35:35--> 00:35:39

she is appreciated correctly. Am I right sisters,

00:35:40--> 00:35:41

you heard that.

00:35:44--> 00:36:24

They don't mind, they will cook for you, they will do for you, and so on. They will say a lot. But at the same time, they will say as much, I'm sorry, they will do a lot. They want you to appreciate it. That's all. You just need to say, Wow, you must have been working from the morning to the evening. Don't worry, the weekend, we will go out to eat. I'm not encouraging going out to eat by the way. But I'm giving an example. You can bring her something being a little gift. We take gifts for everyone here. And then what about your spouse? What have you done? Have you ever brought her a gift? or him? Have you ever decided sometimes so Pamela, you know, I remember, and I'm gonna tell

00:36:24--> 00:36:56

you this. It's my own life. Okay. So I'm not doing rebel, some are saying something of someone. One day I was leaving, to travel on a journey. And I remember, as I was going, there were some visitors. Now normally, you greet your spouse and you go as though you're never going to come back. Because every time you leave the home, it could be the last time they may never see you again. So whenever you leave loved ones, make sure you utter beautiful words to them, because it could be the last time that you're ever seeing them, right. So I saw my wife was busy. And I'm thinking to myself, what should I do now? You know, she's there with the visitors, I can't go in these are ladies sitting and

00:36:56--> 00:37:28

say I love you. We love you love you. And so, you know, some of us, it's still a little bit taboo to do it in public. Because, you know, I always believe when people show too much of love in public, I don't think they get along inside their doors, you know, it's just a show, you know, it's like the boxers who hold hands in public and they want to go, they want to box each other, you know, they were just holding hands before the fight. But those who really love each other, it's more than words, it's more than it's actually something you feel is there. That does not mean to not say the words.

00:37:30--> 00:37:42

Nowadays, if you have not said I love you, I adore you, I miss you and so on 20 times a day to your spouse, the new generation, they will think you don't love them. No matter what. Did you hear what I said?

00:37:43--> 00:37:44

down please.

00:37:46--> 00:38:11

sending messages, we are professionals. We are on our phones all the time. You know, I read an article this morning saying one man was saying I used to wonder what Allah means when he says you need to sit with total concentration in front of Allah subhanho wa Taala or ponder over the verses of total concentration until I saw people sitting with a mobile phone. Now I know what it means. They talk to you. You can hear them. Hello.

00:38:13--> 00:38:33

How are you? Yeah, everything is okay. Yeah. Are you stupid? Yeah. And so on. They don't even know what's happening around them. They are not concentrating solely on the phone. And we are sending messages the heart, you know, I've spoken about it in the past. WhatsApp has done you a favor, it actually starts pumping before it wasn't even pumping.

00:38:34--> 00:38:40

And we're sending those hearts every day kisses and hearts and blushing faces and love us and everything else.

00:38:41--> 00:38:42

But to the wrong number.

00:38:44--> 00:38:46

Wrong number.

00:38:48--> 00:38:49

Allah forgive us.

00:38:51--> 00:38:55

Send it to the right number and your wife will be shocked your husband will be

00:39:00--> 00:39:40

amazing. This is how you build your home. You need to show this relationship work on it without working hard on the relationship. It's not going to just happen no more. There is a lot of pressure out there from various angles. To break your home. You need to work on it work hard. Another thing is trust. Learn to trust one another. But it's not good enough to say trust me, trust me. Do not give reason to your spouse to be mistrusted. That's also important. We always talk about trusts. The men say talk to the women tell them they need to trust us and I say but men, I think those who know my style of answering I normally but listen guys, why do you give them a reason to mistrust you?

00:39:41--> 00:39:59

Why? So let's get back to my story. So I saw these people sitting there right? And I decided Let me take a paper and write on a note I love you misuse and leaving I'll call you later today etc. to it and I put it under a pillow. And I went to when I was gone. There was no other way of doing things.

00:40:00--> 00:40:18

You won't believe it, you won't believe it. She sends me a message later talking about my own family. And she tells me, that was the best thing that has happened in a long time for me didn't really, I just did it because of the circumstance notes. So canon law,

00:40:19--> 00:40:22

I meant to die on last word like, I didn't mean it. But

00:40:23--> 00:40:24

so had a lot.

00:40:26--> 00:40:54

But what I mean is something I probably thought was this, I didn't realize the impact it would have, in my own handwriting, with a little squiggle at the back looking like a signature, meaning at the bottom. And I just said two or three sentences and the impact it had. And when I went home, I saw the paper now and that was, you know, it was the center of a romantic relationship, you know? So I took the paper, and I squashed it thinking I'll throw it in the bin. And you know,

00:40:55--> 00:40:56

I said, like, what?

00:40:57--> 00:41:22

It became an artifact of history, I promise you, I think it can be put up to shown to the generations, you know, that that's what he wrote for mom. Wow. Anyway, we ended up disposing of it because I said, No, if I leave it there, I might not write it again. If I don't end up writing it more and more and more. So Panama. You know, men always get their way Somehow, I don't know. Allah subhanho wa Taala. Forgive us.

00:41:24--> 00:41:34

But the reality The reason I mentioned this is because what we take for granted, our spouses might never have thought it would come from us.

00:41:35--> 00:41:51

We take it for granted work on your marriage. I promise you you can. And there is another problem that we have you marry a models, Ella, she cannot remain a model forever. She will not she has to become a mother at some stage, you have to appreciate you have to say people say oh, you're now too fat.

00:41:53--> 00:41:54

And then in some countries,

00:41:59--> 00:42:22

they say what enough meat? And some people say too much meat. Oh, what's going on? Make up your minds, guys. What do you want? May Allah forgive us? Once again. The same applies to the women. I think women are more tolerant. But sometimes, yesterday there was a young man who complained he wrote a question to me. And it was in the form of an instruction. Please tell the women not to be demanding.

00:42:23--> 00:42:47

I said, Well, you are telling me what to tell him. What's the point of bringing me here, they should have left me in Zimbabwe, they should have called you up and said, Please tell them what you want to say. Subhana Allah then I told him, I actually get up because I like to look at both sides of the coin. It takes two to tango. So I said, Listen, if you want to get married, you need to be able to afford your spouse. I'm not saying that you need to be wealthy or something. But you cannot use me

00:42:48--> 00:42:58

to put your to rescue a gun on my shoulder to shoot someone No. And when they look at where the bullets coming from this evening spending a lot of people do that. Do you hear what you have to mention?

00:43:00--> 00:43:18

So you're using me to shoot down someone else hold the villa, stop it. That's not healthy for your relationship. Don't do that. You need to understand there are two sides of the coin. Just because you are miserly. You spend money on women, on wine on children and so on. Meaning on children that are not yours.

00:43:19--> 00:43:21

The children of your girlfriend, it's happening.

00:43:22--> 00:43:38

And your own kids, they are dying, starving. They look at you even for a chocolate. Well, I want to show you something I'm showing you to just for the sake of Allah. Look, my pocket is here. When I got out of the hotel, I took with me three small boxes of chocolates.

00:43:39--> 00:43:42

The other two are here. Why did I do this?

00:43:44--> 00:43:57

I said to myself, you know, I'll meet a lot of people. If I meet little children, or give him something. They'll probably remember me with this. And you know what it might touch their lives forever. I got a chocolate.

00:44:00--> 00:44:05

Yesterday, I had a few sweets. I have I put them in my pocket to give people

00:44:07--> 00:44:16

what lie. Every time I give someone. Something. I think to myself when I go home. I'm going to make sure I take for my child as well.

00:44:17--> 00:44:25

My own challenge. When I give someone something and I've given gifts to many people, I always tell myself that Yama

00:44:26--> 00:44:31

helped me to treat my family in an even better way.

00:44:33--> 00:44:40

Because the Hadith says about charities that when you want to be charitable start at home.

00:44:41--> 00:44:45

It's an English thing as well. Charity begins at home.

00:44:48--> 00:44:59

It doesn't say charity begins at your girlfriend's room. Doesn't say that your whole lie there are people suffering in silence because they are ignored. So when you are selfish

00:45:00--> 00:45:40

And you don't do things you don't think things you need to think and do and apply, etc. When you don't do that, and you don't and you don't think up ways of developing your relationship. And then you want to come and as miserly as you are, use an excuse to say, you know what, don't be demanding. I didn't demand anything. It's expected of you. It's expected of you this appreciation, someone cooks. And you know, the toast is burnt. The toast is built, for example, that's the only time you ever notice. But for the 10 years that the toast was fine, it was just come here. Why is there no butter here? Where's the jam? Where's this? Where's that? Where's the honey, etc. And she looks at

00:45:40--> 00:45:53

you and says, I'm here. I don't mean you. I mean, the real honey. untie the real honey. mela Forgive us, my brothers and sisters. Rather than that when the toast is burnt

00:45:54--> 00:45:55

and I said this yesterday, I'm repeating

00:45:57--> 00:46:06

it rather look and say, You know what, my darling for years on end, Mashallah. I had beautiful toasts. Today,

00:46:07--> 00:46:14

I'm trying something new. I only used to know about smoked salmon. Now I know about smoke toast as well.

00:46:15--> 00:46:41

It's a way SubhanAllah. Everyone makes mistakes. You do too. But think about a way of expressing that. While you appreciate the time and the effort put in you will also overlook the mistake that happened. That's what it is. It happens to all of us. time and effort we put into something and sometimes the end result is not as we wanted it. Did they plan it? No, they didn't.

00:46:43--> 00:47:19

So we don't we become miserly. We don't want to spend in the right direction. Well, I have young men from amongst us who gamble. They throw their money when it's not even supposed to go. And their spouses are there. And guess what they keep on telling them hey, you demand it. But what am I doing? These are your children. This is your house. You are the one who asked for the food. I know of a wealthy man alive again, not in Nigeria. You know, I have to clear my mind myself. I know a wealthy man he asked his wife is wealthy. When I say wealthy, he is a millionaire. He asked his wife for receipts of the groceries that she buys every day one law.

00:47:22--> 00:47:42

Allah forgive us. He asked his wife for receipts, I want to know what happened. The issue came to me, Hey, this man is wealthy and look at what he does. You feel better? Where's the receipt? I want to see Come on. That's your spouse. Take your money and shove it into your mouth, man, eat it, go digest it Do what?

00:47:43--> 00:48:00

Some people get fed up, they're angry. What's all this money all about? Why spend it and the best place you can spend it is? The Hadith says, to put a morsel of food in the mouth of your spouse and children is an act of worship. Did you know that?

00:48:01--> 00:48:17

Even literally, to take it in your hand and put it in the mouth of your spouse is a sadhaka it is an act of charity. It is an act of worship today. Go home, my beloved men who are here and go to your church, your girlfriend,

00:48:19--> 00:48:21

spouse, remember what I'm saying?

00:48:22--> 00:48:28

Take the food in your hand and put it into the mouth, not a fork, you might just poke her

00:48:29--> 00:48:43

take it in your hand and lovingly put it in, see what it does to your relationship. See what it does to your relationship? instantly it will be a change instance.

00:48:44--> 00:49:11

Some of us are so so horrible at Oh, your wife might think you're shoving poison into my mouth. What's going on here? You know, change that. go out of your way to say things that help people make them feel worthwhile our children one is dark in complexion one is fair. We only talk to the one who's fair one lucky I have emails sent to me by children I cry

00:49:12--> 00:49:18

when I hear the child saying because I'm ducking complexion. I'm not allowed to go shopping with my mom.

00:49:23--> 00:49:59

I couldn't believe it. That your child no matter what even if they are challenged or disabled, you must be proud of your child. I love you my child. You are my love. I love you. Allah gave you to me as a door to enter Jana. That's what it is. Never discriminate. Some of us have no time for children. I decided recently you know my phone Mashallah I receive messages every few seconds, every few seconds and I have two or three different categories of messages. It's categorized, I can pick up some very quickly and some they are just numbers because I don't save a number unless I actually have a relationship with you.

00:50:00--> 00:50:35

I know who you are personally Subhan Allah Oh, there is a matter I'm dealing with. So you get a lot of messages, you don't even know who they are. And that's one of the worst things when someone messages you a question, introduce yourself, come on, you don't want to introduce yourself, don't expect a response. for all I care, you could be anyone and someone with evil intention as well. And I don't need to, it's not my duty to respond to the whole world. You can see from many other Obama, I know I have 100 emails, I will reply a day and nothing more than that I can't. And that's a figure that's been pushed up from 10 to 20, to 50 to 100. It's a lot takes up a lot of time. But recently,

00:50:35--> 00:50:59

I decided when I am going to eat. Now why I'm saying this is to develop the family and the marriage. When I am going to eat, my phone will stay in the room. Or in the lounge, I do not take it with me on the table, no matter what. That's recently I decided why I realized that as a busy person as I am.

00:51:00--> 00:51:02

I sit on the table to eat and you know what happens?

00:51:04--> 00:51:26

By default, I'm just checking my phone responding. Sometimes my kids are talking to me. And I didn't pick it up. And I am busy preaching to the rest of the world to say Watch out. And I said no ways I need to practice what I preach, put this away, put it away. And now I've put it away. And we're lying. It is the best time you can have as a father, with your children and your family.

00:51:28--> 00:51:57

As a mother, Allah offers you something grand and great. Everyone sit down together to eat, it will happen at least once a day with everyone. And if it's a bonus more than once in our countries, we can read more than once in the First World Wow. It's once a week or twice a week they get an opportunity to do it because morning to evening people out. But you have to do this. You must put your phone aside, talk to them, table manners, everything else, how was your day? What happened through your day, you know,

00:51:59--> 00:52:12

their public examinations, your child comes up with results. They don't need to have been rocket scientists, even if they haven't done as well as you thought they would do. Tell them well done. I'm so proud of you, because you are the only person whom they will hear that from?

00:52:13--> 00:52:14

Did you hear that?

00:52:16--> 00:52:51

I'm proud of you. They don't need to be first in class, because first in class is just one person, maybe two if there is a tie. So that means the parents of the rest of them must be upset. No, even if your child has failed, how many of us sitting here have failed once or twice and certain things we do in life. When we repeat it, we pass again. Second time, nobody made a big deal out of it. But we as parents today, in today's society, there are predators who are waiting to actually move on our children, as they grow older to learn him into their traps of drugs and sex and illegitimacy, whatever else it is

00:52:52--> 00:53:09

by showing them a little bit of attention, why there is an attention deficit back at home. That's the reason you want to develop your home. Give your undivided attention to your family members. Put your phone aside. I promise you make a rule that you start.

00:53:11--> 00:53:14

Man, don't think I'm not going to come to you you're equally guilty.

00:53:17--> 00:53:18

May Allah forgive us.

00:53:19--> 00:53:21

Imagine a child is crying for you.

00:53:22--> 00:53:27

The child is crying for you and you're busy on your phone showing people you know the selfies.

00:53:32--> 00:53:46

What's going on? life that's life is because your child is screaming. If only those people who saw the selfie could hear the sound at the same time, they would wonder where you were. You sound like you're in a war zone the way your children you don't you don't worry about anything.

00:53:48--> 00:54:08

My brothers and sisters learn to appreciate one another. I said appreciating your wife once she becomes a mother understanding that those are your children, she bought them for you so naturally her body will change. That doesn't mean my beloved mother's that you can just let yourself go and just blame it on motherhood No.

00:54:09--> 00:54:14

Take pride in yourself in your health. There is a lot of pressure on the men out there.

00:54:16--> 00:54:57

Take pride in yourself your health. Make sure that you exercise when I say exercise I mean you burn whatever you may have in terms of excess by whether it's on the treadmill or any other healthy way of doing things. Make sure you make an effort in that regard as well. So when I say the men should appreciate the women, I must say that the women should now just forget about it and say you see you're supposed to appreciate me and I'm not appreciated, but you're wasting yourself to waste yourself. Some people are naturally big Mashallah some people are naturally small Mashallah. You need to understand this but at the same time, don't allow yourself to become unhealthy. That's the

00:54:57--> 00:54:59

word unhealthy

00:55:00--> 00:55:04

It's got to do with healthy and unhealthy. So Panama.

00:55:05--> 00:55:11

But guess what? The last time I spoke about this, some of the women reprimanded me.

00:55:12--> 00:55:22

They said, Why don't you tell the men, some of them waste themselves? Look, the stomach, it sticks is there when I was pregnant nine months, my husband looked like he was 18 months.

00:55:23--> 00:55:24

So panela

00:55:26--> 00:55:34

it needs you to do a few setups, few push ups and so on and so forth. Mashallah, I hope you're not looking at my belly. Let me stand this way.

00:55:35--> 00:55:46

Now, Mashallah we take we take interest in what we look like we have to because we have spouses. The difficulty is a lot of men are guilty of taking pride in what they look like for other reasons.

00:55:47--> 00:56:01

Other reasons, so it's either because of your work or is because of someone you want to impress whom you're not even supposed to be impressing. For what? What's the purpose? Every time I look at my hair, you know, I'm bald. So I look at my head, and my mother looks at me. You know what she tells me?

00:56:02--> 00:56:09

You're already married? What's the point of taking so much pride in all of this? What are you worried about your head? And look at and I said, Mom,

00:56:10--> 00:56:11

there's still some spaces, you know?

00:56:12--> 00:56:17

She says, You mean you're all the same? Now Allah subhanho wa Taala. Forgive us.

00:56:19--> 00:56:23

That was just a joke. By the way. That was just a joke, by the way.

00:56:24--> 00:56:28

So we need to realize my my brothers and sisters,

00:56:29--> 00:56:37

one of the greatest foundations and I know my time is almost up 56 minutes already, but it's healthy Charla

00:56:39--> 00:56:41

five more minutes under law, that's good.

00:56:42--> 00:56:50

I want to end off by saying a few things. Brothers and sisters, one of the most important issues

00:56:51--> 00:56:52

is communication.

00:56:54--> 00:57:26

You need to speak to each other, you need to relate to each other. And in order to encourage communication, you need to know how to react to something you've been told by a spouse, a family member, a child, etc. You need to know you say communication, your child comes to you and says, You know, I made a mistake. I actually did something terrible. And they tell you something Terrible. Terrible. Can I say one of the worst things that happens? A daughter comes to you May Allah protect all our children. I mean, say I mean loudly, mela protected children.

00:57:27--> 00:57:33

At a child comes to you 1415 years old and says, Mom, I don't know who to turn to. I'm pregnant.

00:57:36--> 00:58:18

They don't come to you because you don't encourage promotion of communication. If they say I broke the glass kiama already starts because your own trumpet was blown rather than blowing the trumpet. So for them to mock him. The glass broke and that's the trumpet. They gotta run. The end of the world. Class broke. Take it easy. Don't worry. Did you get hurt? No, I didn't. Well, then the glass will buy another one tomorrow. It's fine. No, I remember one case where the child was beaten up because one glass broke? Do you know why? It was one of a set of six? And now they didn't they were too embarrassed to put five glasses looking one way. And the sixth one must look different. What's

00:58:18--> 00:58:35

the big deal? Put the sixth one. And if I were you, I would tell the guests. I'm so proud of having one different one because my child's broke one. And I happily told him Don't worry, I will use the five and I will show them that you at least you will not hurt. What's wrong? What's the big deal?

00:58:36--> 00:59:13

You can you can start to trend. People will learn things. So when people when the children communicate or the spouse communicates you need to react correctly to encourage them to understand that you are the closest person to them. When they have a problem. They must come to you. Firstly, no one else and when will they come to you? Firstly, when you've reacted correctly to them? Do you tell your daughters, your sons, even those who are older, I love you, etc. I have children who are old Mashallah. I have six daughters by the will of Allied two sons, and my daughters are all in their 20s. And I write to them, I love you. I miss you.

00:59:14--> 00:59:21

And I send them little kisses and faces. I'm sure if you saw that. You might think Hey, is this a father? Or is he a boyfriend?

00:59:23--> 00:59:45

There is a distinct relationship. And I know that I make sure that these words come out of my mouth for them. They must know it and I love you. And if there's anything talk to me, and they have Mashallah they have and imagine if a child comes to you going back to what we just said and tells you I'm pregnant. What do you do? You know what?

00:59:49--> 00:59:59

Okay, I was going to say something about my son, but let's let's leave that okay. He might not he was the way he damaged the vehicle and what happened? One of those things, but I reacted in a beautiful way.

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I won't talk about it because you won't like it. Okay? But imagine when when someone does some you say, look, you know what, you've made a mistake.

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I'm definitely hurt. And I'm saddened, but I love you so much, I'm going to help you through this.

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That's how you talk. That's how you build a relationship, because someone else will tell him, don't worry, I'll help you do this allows you to that they become closer to a devil outside the home because you didn't know how to react. So this is something important communication. Communication is absolutely important. These are topics on their own. Maybe the next peace and unity convention we have, we will break down each one of these things, and we'll expand on them. Because while it's important, I spoke earlier about independence, you know what that means? When your children are married, let them do their thing. Let them to a great degree, make decisions as well. I know homes

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where father makes a decision for children even who they will marry. And secondly, he makes decisions for the grandchildren as well, why that's how it works. It doesn't work like that in Islam, let alone in anything else. So the modern world blames us for being people who are hardline, extreme and so on oppressive, but it's not Islam, it's the way we've been doing things. No, you don't make decisions for your whole family all the time. Give them the freedom of making their decisions at times, you need to know. And this is why when it comes to marriage, one of the most important things is for us to understand that the choice belongs to them who are getting married.

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We will guide them. If they're making a ridiculous mistake, we will we will tell them, we will be firm with them. But if it's something a lie has allowed, who am I to disallow it?

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If it is something Allah has allowed? Who am I to disallow it? I will not have an answer on the day of judgment when a man asks me, why did you block something that I am blocked?

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Are you competing with me?

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Go back to the teachings of Allah and His rasuna and check what you're supposed to be doing. And do it. My beloved brothers and sisters responsibilities key as well. Many of us are irresponsible.

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very irresponsible in so many different ways. It's a word, but it comes with a lot of difficulty.

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It's not easy to be responsible. You need to control yourself. You need to lower your gaze when the Hadith speaks about lowering your gaze. Yes, it is something grand and great. I remember a man, the wife comes and she says, you know, my husband, he cannot control his eyes. Every time he sees a woman, he has to turn around to look at her behind.

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And I'm like what's going on? And I kept on reading and guess what it says? And a lot of those behinds are fake.

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It took me a while to understand what she said.

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And then she went on to say she I don't know if you're aware that you can actually purchase a behind the

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what and the poor man is admiring some silicone that they Allah forgive us out of the villa in both ways he's wrong. Lu your gaze you develop your relationship for the sake of Allah lower your gaze for the sake of Allah and look at how your family will blossom. Your relationship with your spouse will blossom and bloom you cannot have all the roses in the garden you took your pick and that's it. Mashallah.

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May Allah subhanho wa Taala help us and guide us I wish I I wish that I had more time, but inshallah there will always be another time if Allah wills and if not mean someone else. I hope that the few words I've said have motivated myself in sha Allah made me more conscious of my own relationships with my family members and made me more conscious of my own marriage and at the same time that Allah subhanho wa Taala help us all to also change in one way or another. Remember what I said about the morsel inshallah today? Do you remember what I said about the most of my brothers?

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That was weak? Do you remember what I said about the most of my brothers?

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So Panama?

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I don't know why those who are not married we're saying yes, but it's okay. Sharla May Allah make it easy for you on that day and Allah subhanho wa Taala grant us the best of spouses, may he make us choose the right spouse, the those with demon holyoake and Allah subhanho wa Taala grant us entry into gender with ease or sallallahu wasallam obata Khalid Mohammed Subhana Allah Abraham needs to panic alone with the shadow