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Are You Qualified for Marriage
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Channel: Mufti Menk
Episode Notes
Episode Transcript
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Salam aleikum, my brothers and sisters, we were asking a question. Are you prepared? Or are you ready to be a spouse? Whether it's a husband or a wife? Are you ready to be a spouse? Are you? What do you have what it takes to be a husband? Do you have what it takes to be a spouse? Many young children as they're growing older, they get to the age of 1516 1819. And they start saying, I want to get married? Are you serious? Do you know the qualities that are required for a person to qualify to be a spouse, for a person to qualify to be a husband or a wife? There are qualities that are needed and SubhanAllah. Many people because they are sexually active and because maybe they're
feeling like you know, they
they're ready to be a father, somehow, or they want to be a mother or they just want to be sexually active, they want to get married. That is not, that is not a qualification for you to be material with being a spouse remember this? So number one, do you know how to interact with people? Do you know how to speak to people? Have you learned how to talk to others? Do you know how to communicate, if you don't have communication skills, you cannot succeed in a marriage, you're not yet ready to get married, you might think I've been dating, I've been doing this, I've been doing that it's very different. You need to know how to communicate. Number one, you need to know how to talk how to come
across, you need to know how to word things you need to know when you want something, you don't just blurt it out as though you're addressing you know, someone who's of no value, the most valuable person in your life, the person who in your family who has high value, your own spouse you will be addressing. So you've got to know how to speak. And I think many men don't actually bother, they don't even care and a lot of women as well. They don't care how it comes out. They see it as it is because that's their spouse, that's the husband, that's the wife say it as you want. That is not how it should be.
It is supposed to be
set in a way that is very attractive, it makes one feel the love, feel the kindness, feel that care within the statement. So you know how to talk to someone. then number two, you need to be very, very patient. Patience is the cornerstone. Patience is a quality that is required for you to be qualified as a person ready to get married. If you don't have patience, I'm sorry, you're not yet ready. So it doesn't mean that just because you're sexually able you cannot get married No, if you don't have patience, you don't know how to talk to people, I think you need to hold on you need to do courses on this be very patient, there will be statements that are said there will be things there will be
problems, there will be issues, how do you address them, you know, they say you be responsible. And I heard one of the scholars say recently that responsible is such a good term, when they say the men are responsible, they should be able to respond. Whenever things go bad, you can respond properly. So you you respond in an able fashion, hence responsible Haha, my Salah. Obviously, being responsible is far broader than that. But it is definitely within the meaning of it to say when something goes wrong, you need to be able to respond in in a proper way. So if you don't have patience, you end up divorcing people you end up not realizing that the problems can be resolved,
the matters can be resolved. You need to learn to be slightly selfless. Don't be selfish. If you're selfish, you're not going to get along even with the best of the globe. You won't get along because you're selfish. So like I say, it doesn't mean that now I'm a 2021 22 I need to get married 25 whatever you are 26 No. Did you develop your qualities? Do you know that? For example, it doesn't mean you can afford a car and you've bought a car that you can now drive the car you need a license. In order to get that license, you will need to do courses there is a theory as well as a practical. In order to qualify in the theory, you're going to need to learn you're going to need to study
you're going to need to know what's happening you're going to need to know a lot. And if you address the matters in a beautiful way you will be able to succeed in your marriage just like if you are to answer the questions correctly. When it comes to matters of
driving, you will get your theory you will pass your theoretical examination. Same applies if you don't have the theory here you will not be able to succeed. Remember this. So you need to learn how to talk to people. You need to be patient. You need to be selfless to a great degree. Learn to accommodate others. If you don't know how to accommodate others. You may not be
ready to get married. Sometimes you don't like to do certain things you have to learn to live to do certain things that you may not ideally like to do, simply to put a smile on the faces of those whom you love. So you need to know this simply to put a smile on the faces of those whom you love, you need to understand this, my brothers and sisters, sometimes we don't like certain things, we must make sure that we make our folks happy by engaging and participating in what makes them happy. By engaging what and participating on what makes them happy.
So this is the reason why it's important for us to to actually develop these qualities before we get married. develop these qualities before we get married. You need to know this, my brothers and sisters, another quality that we need to have together with selflessness together with being patient together with actually learning how to speak and communicate. Kindness, we need to be very kind and kindness begins at home.
You need to be very kindly kind in a lot of different ways. You need to be generous, don't be miserly, don't waste. Yes, I agree, don't waste. But at the same time, don't be miserly. These are beautiful qualities that we need to develop before we get married. And the reason why I say this is because if we don't, we're really going to have a major, major problem. So my brothers and sisters, these type of disasters occur because people don't know, people don't know that you need to develop yourself as a person before you get married. Do you have the patience, when you look at someone, you're looking at a spouse or there's a little bit of a disturbance in the background, but that's
fine. When you're looking for a spouse, you're actually
Sorry, I'm just being disturbed by noise in the background.
When you're looking for a spouse,
and when you have someone you think you're going to get married to if it is superficial, and if it's only based on what you can see. And if it's based on what you you know, just the looks of the person, and you haven't really based it on the character and the seriousness of the relationship with the maker, then I think you're going to hit the wrong way. That's why we have so many marriages that are breaking so many marriages that are breaking. People don't know they get married to someone who turns them on. And then what happens. As soon as they see the character and conduct of each other they get turned off. And they say the same way. I fell in love I fallen out of love. Have you
heard that? Well, the reason why this is happening is because we haven't developed ourselves characters not the deen is not their connection with the Almighty is not there? Nothing is there. You just a person who looks cool, who might have a little bit of money. That's not what makes a husband. That's not what makes a spouse. How many times are you prepared to utter beautiful words to your spouse? words of love words of kindness, politeness, how many times do you look at your spouse and you actually say beautiful words to them. I think many of us are lacking in this because what happens with this, many of us are lacking. Where
we don't say these words, we're not polite. We don't even like to discuss matters. When you have an issue becomes a a screaming and yelling match. Lower your voice, you're speaking to the spouse, your spouse, the mother or father or children. That's what's happening. You're speaking to the mother or father of your children. So Lower your voice. Don't scream Don't yell. Sorry, I know there is a disturbance, the background, you could excuse these brothers who are here.
It's actually disturbing me quite a bit, but it's fine. So my brothers and sisters, here goes, I hope this topic I'm going to have to repeat it anyway.
I'm going to have to repeat it simply because of disturbance. But otherwise, inshallah we I hope you get what I'm saying that we are not prepared to get met. We are not necessarily prepared to get married in the sense that I haven't. We haven't qualified yet to get married even though we think we have. The reason is you haven't developed yourself as a person, you're still quite selfish. When you look at someone's daughter, do you really feel that this is a very special person, the way I address them? When there is a crisis in the home between your mom and your wife? How are you going to address the matter? Do you have any experience in crisis management or in dealing in arbitration,
zero experience so what happens? We start screaming and yelling, and we don't know which side to you know, to, to take. We don't know how to deal with the matter.
And this is why people start suffering and we threaten that we will divorce them we say no any small thing said well you can go home if that's the case, you can go home. If that's how you speak you were never ready to get married in the first place. Every little thing you threatening your spouse you can go home, I went out I'm going to go I'm going to my father's
House, I'm going to do this I'm going to do that all of that is a waste. All of that is a waste. So this is why it's important for us to know that.
When you haven't developed yourself, you really are not ready to get married. Really, you need to make sure that you develop your characteristics, your qualities, have feeling within you have mercy. If you don't have mercy within you, the other, the other person will not,
you know, be merciful, either they will won't be able to feel it, there's not going to be a good relationship, you won't achieve the mercy of Allah. If Allah says Allah does not have mercy upon those who don't have mercy on others. What about your own spouse, if you're not merciful on your spouse, you will never have the mercy of Allah subhanho wa Taala. So learn to be merciful, even at a time when your marriage might be going through turbulence, even if you're breaking up and even if you're going through a divorce, be conscious of the Almighty, as we say fear Allah.
Allah, God Almighty, make sure that you
make sure that you have the consciousness of the Almighty to the degree that prevents you from oppressing someone from wrong from yelling, screaming, shouting, swearing, deceiving belittling, for what are you belittling someone? Why do you have to expose their ills? Why do you have to speak bad about them? For what? Why do you have to deny them their rights after the divorce, this is all because you were immature. This is all because you were not even ready to get married. This is all because you were not ready to get married in the first place. So it's something really serious, my brothers and sisters, we need to make sure that we need to make sure that we are
developed in this way prior to us getting married.
So panela, that's food for thought. inshallah, we'll continue with this discussion. On another occasion. Unfortunately, I had a little bit of disturbance here. And I tried to give the brothers a signal that I was live, but I think they wanted to be live with me. So handler not a bad idea. May Allah bless all of you, and grant your goodness and open the doors?
You know, my brothers and sisters be be sensitive, be sensitive regarding the issues that your spouse may be going through. Sometimes, you know, emotional issues, sometimes physical issues, you know, are you prepared to look after a person who might not be that? Well, you know, to you is a spouse, just a slave, a worker, a person who's going to bring food for you everyday, set what the spouse is all about. If that's the case, it's not a spouse you're looking for, you're looking for a maid or a servant, you're looking for a cook, perhaps you're looking for a person, a cleaner, someone who can do your laundry, that's what you're looking for, not a spouse, a spouse is someone
whom you're ready to help, they're ready to help you when it comes to food and drink and cleaning and cooking and everything. And we're all responsible for it, Mashallah, a lot of times, you'll have one of the spouses who will volunteer to do it, while the other one must cheer them on, and must help them wherever possible, it doesn't mean because they volunteered that it means it's not your duty at all. But rather, it is the collective duty of the inhabitants of the home to ensure that the home is clean, to ensure that the food is there to ensure it's a collective duty. So each one plays his or her role, and the other will support the one who played another role, and vice versa. So
remember this, my brothers and sisters, and in this way, you will definitely have a happier home, you need to learn to love the sacrifices that are made by your spouse for you. And there are many, you need to be sensitive. There are some people who get married and their lives don't change. So they bring their wives or possibly husband sometimes to distant lands to a far off place to a different suburb, a different location, no friends, no family, and they leave them all alone. And go and play with their friends. Whether they're playing football, whether they're just watching it, whether they play in any other game, whatever it is, even if they're just on their phones all day,
why did you get married, you should have married your phone. You were just a person who was impatient. That's all you just needed a woman or you might have just needed the opposite sex. That's it, not for marriage purposes for something else. If you really wanted them for truly, truly for marriage purposes, you would understand put the phone away, put the friends away, put put your commitments away, learn to appreciate what you have spent time with your family, tell them good things. How many times do you say I adore you? I love you. Thank you so much. It's so lovely. It's beautiful. We only pick on people when things go wrong. But we never ever appreciate what goes right
a million times. May Allah make us more conscious of what we say what we do our attitude and make us filled with an attitude of gratitude. I mean barakallahu comas salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato