Marital Tranquility – Waiting on Women

After praising Allah subhanho wa Taala and testifying that none is worthy of our worship and our devotion, and our love and obedience in the absolute sense of those two words.

But Allah and Allah alone without any partners, the true supreme king.

And after testifying at the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa earlier said there was in truth without doubt, his prophet, and his servant and His messenger. And after reminding myself I knew at the taco of Allah to live a life while conscious of Allah, and consistently and willingly and lovingly surrendering to Him subhanho wa taala. My brothers and sisters, last week, I began discussing the delayed marriage phenomenon in the world today and how it's affecting the Muslim community, relatively speaking, we are suffering from it as well. And I focused on being stranded for men, and where that comes from the lack of interest, the lack of preparedness, the lack of

readiness. And I want to come full circle this afternoon in sha Allah with the counterpart, the complimentary discussion on the phenomenon of waiting for women,

and waiting on women to be ready for marriage.

And where this comes from is the fact that although I told you when I extended an attempt at lending a helping hand, I had about 150 people respond to me, and I put them in a database to help get them married, they were far more women saying we are interested in reading and marriage than men.

But what I did not tell you last week, when I mentioned that is that there was something else that stuck out of this data, this very tiny amount of data that I came across, when I tried to help the youth in the singles get married. It was the fact that the fewer men that were interested and willing coming to me for help, were about 24 years old.

Whereas the women that were stepping up and saying helped me I am interested in ready for marriage, they were about 29 or 30 years old, on average, that was the average age. And that should pose an obvious problem. Because this is not about right and wrong. This is just about, you know, male and female psychology, even men, generally speaking, prefer to feel like the leader even in age and so they generally speaking, want a woman of equal or lesser, lesser age.

And so that is why I couldn't match them up. Add to that another factor that men see their relevance, as we discussed last week, and being able to carry the family, it's what it's what makes a man feel like a man to protect the family provide for the family. And so when there's this disparity in age, the women are more financially ready, financially stable, further down the road in their career paths. And so even if when she gets to that age, where she's seeking help and scrambling and willing to settle for someone that makes less money than her, he may not be willing to do it. A lot of times, I'm just not interested.

And so I want to highlight this because it is a huge problem. Why is it that so many sisters in our community, delay marriage to this point, until they're done with, you know, undergrad and graduate school and situated in their career positions? Why does this happen?

Some Muslim therapists with their limitations of their resources, of course tried to serve a Muslims on campus in particular. So what causes them to delay marriage?

And generally speaking, the data says that we're waiting to finish our education and get our jobs.

But with the sisters in particular, what was discovered was that the number one reason they actually gave for delaying marriage was their parents said my parents say, I must finish my education first finish, whatever that means, every five years, finish my education first, before I can get married.

And this let us just say from the onset is wrong. Islamically and prophetically, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said what the authentic hadith and Sunnah tell me the either attack or mental bone Adina who were Holika who further with you? When there comes to you meaning for your daughter's, of course it is her life, her decision, right? Whether she feels this person will work out for me or not. But he's saying don't get in the way when someone comes

See you that you accept their uprightness and character and their religious commitment, then allow them to marry your daughters. In letter for Allah if you don't do this tekun Pfitzner to fill out of the FSR don't Kabir, there will be a trial on Earth and widespread corruption. And we've spoken about the idea of tightening the constraints on the halal options is going to cause an explosion and an eruption of the haram. It's just the way it works.

And so the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said this, but let us try to understand a little bit. Why do parents do this? Why do they put so much pressure

on their daughters in particular, to be financially stable? Right? When you forward the question then to the parents and say, Why do you do this? They say just in case they need to be a strong, independent woman in case their marriage goes south, they have a backup plan, they have an option, just in case. Well, besides the fact that this is contrary to the Hadith, when there comes to someone with character and then marry them. Of course, of course, compatibility is an issue an issue that the Quran and the Sunnah spoke about. There are other factors that I can't get into in a short clip, but but I'm talking about the idea of not opening the door for people to propose to your

daughters in the first place, refusing to even check for compatibility until a later time. This is what I'm speaking about. Why did they do this for the backup plan? We're here? Well, here's the problem with the backup plan, your plan B,

will very likely eat away at your plan A, like you're so focused on plan B, a woman unlike a man, as she grows, her pool of options gets more and more limited. This is reality. This is not Dean and this is not right and wrong. Her pool of options gets more and more limited. Her fertility ends much earlier than a man does. And the competition up and coming is an endless stream. The man the older he gets the more you know, financially, you know, admirable he gets and his options grow with age, a woman it decreases with age, and so you are limiting their options, a great deal. When you are overly focused on plan B, I'm not against education, our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam

obligated us men and women to get educated in all the right ways for our deen first, but also for our dunya. But why do we get educated we get educated to be intelligent people to be better at navigating life, to be contributors to our family and society at large. We don't get educated, just for money. And to think that money through education is the fix to life, we have to just get that out of our head. That's the value in education, which our Dean made sacred to begin with. So it will cost them plan A, and it has really devalued you know, the function of education. But here's the other problem. When you focus too much on plan B, right, the backup plan, the safety net, you are

far more likely to rush to Plan B, meaning even if you get married, you're far more likely to walk out on the marriage because I've been focusing on this forever. This is the day that I knew would happen. Right? This is the negative perspective my parents put on me, marriage is unpredictable. Gotta focus on your plan B because you know, it's probably not gonna work out and so, so you actually become less capable of marriage. If you get married. When you get married. Because of this negative perspective you have on marriage, it actually hurts more and more than marriage itself on the day that it happens. You know, there's actually a brother that works in corrections in the in

the masjid, who when I gave the example of, you know, the danger of overestimating the safety net of education, financial independence for our sisters, he said to me something very interesting. He said, you know, in my line of work, there was a drug that came out that it is known to people that work in this field. I'm no expert, called Narcan. Narcan basically, is like the allergy needle. You know, when you get an allergic reaction, you get stuck with the needle, it offsets it so you can keep breathing and you survive. Narcan does that with drug overdose, people that can die from drug overdose because they can't get past their addictions. They basically can stick themselves with this

needle, it gives them a higher chance of getting to the hospital pumping out their stomach or whatever else and surviving. He said to me, and I'm not sure the numbers, he said to me, it was actually discovered that this needle, this shot injection, for some people actually higher the likelihood of them dying from an overdose of drugs. Why? Because I'm under estimating drugs. Because I have the needle in my pocket. I have the backup plan, so it was fine. So they actually

subjected themselves to so much harm, because they're assuming now this false sense of security that I'm safe. Likewise, the rush to step out of marriage because you think all you need to do is just go back into the, you know, suitcase and pull out your degree. And that financial independence is going to make your life and your world fixed and resolved. We don't actually know what we want so many times in life, it is not the independence that fulfills you. Allah created us as human beings, interdependent, like, we're ultimately dependent on Allah, of course, but he created us with a dependence on each other.

We need each other, right. And that is the part of the glue that you know, cements our relationships together. That is why so many sisters that were lied to sometimes with good intentions, know, just focus on your head just go, they get to that age, and they're willing to trade in if they could, all of their education and all of their paycheck and all of those accolades, just to feel wanted now, just to feel fulfilled, just to feel security, to feel safety, to feel the blessing of motherhood. She said, I will give it all up if I could turn back the clock, just to have these things. So so many times, we don't know, you know what we want. In reality, this interdependence is part of what

makes us and losing sight of that breaks the marital relationships, it undermines our chances at this marital tranquility that we're speaking about in a series of hotspots. Like nowadays, think about it, like people are so much more willing to gut out God through the problems, you know, and to save their business. But when it comes to the marriage, it's fine. I can do without it, because I have some financial security. You know, even those who leave the marriage and have the financial security. Many times there's been children involved at that point. And 40% of kids in single parent homes struggle financially. And that does not mean that the 60% that don't struggle financially

under one parent are safe, to be stable financially has a cost as well. They could be like emotionally impoverished, they could have emotional issues, because that single parent has to put in all those hours now outside the house. So to underestimate all of this. And to think the solution is just you know, to focus on the plan B hurts all of society, as Allah azza wa jal said in the Quran, what tackle fits in a 10 letter C bene Levine avala Moomin comparsa. Beware of a trial that will not just be inflicted, will not just assault the wrongdoers amongst you, all of us have to carry it in the dunya everyone feels it and then Allah azza wa jal spares some of us and sorts it out and deals

with us justly perfectly justly, ultimately on the Day of Judgment only. But this is a crisis that we have to be aware of delaying marriage for education. You want to stipulate Fine, I'll let you in the door. Fine. We can entertain a marriage prospect but you must let her finish your education. That is what I'm telling you to do. A whole lot we have our stuff for Allah Allah Allah Allah Allah

Alhamdulillah wa Salatu was Salam ala Milena Viva that shadow Allah ilaha illallah wa Tada hola Sharika was shadow and Mohammed Abdullah, who whenever you're also

having established some of these dangers of assuming that society will wait on women, and that people will not figure out right or wrong ways alternatives to complete one another through the halal or through the haram. I want to admit that as one of my good brothers said to me yesterday, there is probably no comparison. It is a way harder test for us to marry our daughters off to someone right? Then it is for us to dive into marriage to get married ourself is a way harder test of teleco reliance on Allah azza wa jal and I just want to remind you remind me that when Allah azza wa jal said when mania tequila, Whoever fears Allah puts their dual reliance on Allah yadgir

Allahumma Raja, he will make a way out for them, where Zuckermann hightlight acid and provide him and her from where they never expected. Those as you always hear, they actually came down in the context of marriage in the context of marital turmoil and sort of a follow up. So keep this in mind. I know it's not that easy to

As I didn't always know this, you know, when I was marrying my wife, after we went through the appreciation of the marriage, I got up to, you know, handshake and hug my father in law, who just married me to his daughter, and he just broke down, he broke down crying on my shoulder. And I'm just like, relax, and it's a happy moment, no big deal, things are gonna be fine. Don't worry, I'm gonna take care of your daughter. Only now, only now, when I have three daughters, do I realize how long how wrong I am. And how concerning this is I get it, I just want to establish that I understand the concern. I know that I could never be as good for my wife, as her father was for her. I know

that she is his princess. The same way. Now I understand when I have my own princess, that her husband will never treat her the way I treat her. So it is a huge test of delicate. But many times, even as parents, even with, you know our protectiveness and our good intentions, we subject them to a great deal of harm. I deal with this now with the adults now, every single day, when they see their options shrinking, and they can't find a significant other and they will do many times the pressure is huge. Whatever it takes. If it means taking off my hijab, I take off my hijab, if it means rebelling against my family, I can't silence the urge forever, I'm going to do it. If it means

marrying a non Muslim man, and I see this day in and day out. And that is not marriage in Islam, by the way that is Zina.

There is no marital contract there. But she's choosing to believe there is because no one else seems to be stepping up. They do this. And I have to deal with this. So I need to be honest with you. Even if it's gonna ruffle some feathers, even if it goes against the green. We have to get to this point in as a community to face reality deal with it as it is not subjected them to that age where they feeling betrayed and are willing to do anything. We have to get to this point where we recognize that the danger of Xena is far greater of a risk than the possibility of a divorce. As one brother also said to me yesterday, or he uploaded on his social media chef Amara Shukri. He said, you know a

mother said to him recently that I married my daughter at 18. And she got divorced shortly after that.

And then she remarried. And now she's happily married. And many people are very critical of me. The mother is saying that you put your daughter through a divorce, it's probably because you married her too early, so on and so forth. But I see that Al Hamdulillah at a time when my daughter could have been in danger. Allah helped me keep her Chase, keep her if and then at a time when that was not working out for her. She walked out of the relationship or they dismantled the relationship they went their separate ways. And Allah gave each of them a better person, a better partner a better fit. That is the mentality we need to start developing. This is the true cure to remove the

blockades. We will talk more in the following weeks about how to do this in sha Allah. But as the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said I began with an end with it when there comes to you someone upright. Don't shut the door in their face

Allahumma foulon Our Hana Allahumma Filon Ohana it. Felina Vinoba Kula The Kahala de la Sol Raha Allah Anita

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