Marital Tranquility – Stranded for Men

Mohammad Elshinawy


Channel: Mohammad Elshinawy

File Size: 18.87MB

Episode Notes

Share Page

Episode Transcript ©


Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate and at times crude. We are considering building a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system. No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever.

00:00:00--> 00:00:21

After praising Allah subhanho wa Taala and testifying that no one is worthy of worship with Him and Him alone without any partners, the true supreme King at the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was a servant and His Prophet and his messenger and reminding myself I knew at the top of Allah to be conscious and dutiful and loving and consistent in our submission to Allah subhanho wa taala.

00:00:22--> 00:00:26

And after welcoming my brothers and sisters to the house of Allah JELA fear Allah,

00:00:28--> 00:00:30

I wish to share with you that

00:00:31--> 00:01:15

about eight or 10 years ago, I put out a public message on my social media, saying, I know I will regret this, but anyone here in the New York City area, who is ready right now to get married, message me, and I'll try my best to do what I can or forgive me for what I can't in advance. And I said, I knew I would regret this on the message. And I did regret it, of course, very fast. And I stopped doing this I stopped doing the the auntie matchmaker role, seemingly overnight. But I did learn many things from that failure of mine, or from that, you know, intention of mine.

00:01:16--> 00:01:29

The first of them is that this need to find suitable partners for the young Muslim men and women, for the single Muslim men and women younger old is a bigger need than we imagine.

00:01:31--> 00:02:04

And it should be expected to be a universal, big need because Allah azza wa jal said, it is inherently human for all of us to have a partner Lita schooner, La Jolla to dwell with them in tranquillity, we're all looking for this. And it was interesting that people that I know would ordinarily never pay any attention to something someone like me, let's be honest, right? We all judge books, by their covers someone that like me on social media, everyone has their pocket, their comfort zone of who they follow and who they listen to. And otherwise, we're reaching out

00:02:06--> 00:02:07

to the huge need,

00:02:08--> 00:02:52

that I certainly couldn't fulfill. And that is why I am a huge supporter of this being, you know, an organized effort and institutionalized effort to have matrimonial services for Muslims. That, of course, are observant of, you know, the principles of our study that protect men and women not just like a dating website that has the words Muslims stickered onto it, no. But another thing that I recognize from this experience was the huge disparity, there was like a significant obvious difference between the men that were stepping forward and saying, I am interested in ready for marriage. And the women who were the landslide majority of people that came to me and said, Here's

00:02:52--> 00:03:34

my bio, I am interested, and I am ready for marriage. And at first, it was very frustrating, you know, to see proof firsthand to what many people say out there that there's seems to be no good men out there for marriage. And, of course, this is not true. There certainly are always a few good men, at least out there that are ready for marriage. If you're being reasonable in where you're looking and what you're demanding, you will find in sha Allah zoologia With your eye and effort you will find but there is a disparity. And so after the phase of being angry and frustrated at you know, the inability to find enough to match up right.

00:03:35--> 00:03:45

I began to actually sympathize and understand where this you know, stranded for men phenomenon comes from.

00:03:47--> 00:04:04

And there were three elements that were glaring to me that I wish to share with you and just be very frank and be very honest. And then sha Allah, I know there is a risk of in offending a little bit or coming off as a little bit controversial, but the risk of ignoring this, it is becoming clear to me every day that it is a greater risk.

00:04:05--> 00:04:38

The first of them is that these men, we are neglecting their biological clocks. And usually you hear the term biological clocks with women, that her biological clock is ticking, fertility ends at a certain age. This is true, and we will talk about this next week and sha Allah is diligent, stranded for women that are ready for marriage are capable of marriage and so on and so forth. But the men also have a biological clock, and it is their drive their physical drive to want to be with someone.

00:04:40--> 00:05:00

And we need to be honest, we need to be frank we need to be real that this is a need that our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam validated and address and we continue to ignore. You see our prophets Allah Allahu alayhi wa sallam said in the authentic hadith of macera without the Allah Juan. Oh young men, many Stella I mean

00:05:00--> 00:05:06

Kumon better at affiliate Excel, which whomever Have you finds the drive the desire inside of them, let them go get married.

00:05:07--> 00:05:24

Of course, he also mentioned the importance of responsibility and otherwise, but we don't want to remember one and forget the other. He said, If you find this drive pursue marriage, for it will better help you. He said, to lower your gaze and guard your chastity, guard your private parts, he said that Allah is salatu salam.

00:05:25--> 00:05:50

And so when we choose not to recognize this, that at 1314 15 years old, something happens biologically chemically, hormonally, Soo Young men, and say, Listen, sorry, deal with it. 10 years, 15 years, so you get married, which is the average right now the average male is getting married at 3028 31 Their, their their this,

00:05:51--> 00:06:00

then you are setting up society, men in particular, but this will, you know, spin out of control, and we all pay the price for it.

00:06:01--> 00:06:43

You know, you assume also that this young man will just sit there and listen to you and sit tight, and ignore the feelings. And you doesn't have a support system, you didn't exactly tell him when he will, right get married. And society is telling him even if you do get married, it's probably not gonna be very fulfilling. And he doesn't have enough active Toccoa fear of Allah inside of him to keep him restrained. So what winds up happening is the parents get caught off guard that he either, you know, gets caught up in a haram relationship or relationships that make marriage if it happens later on so much more difficult because of the background. Right before that, where they're coming

00:06:43--> 00:06:51

from, or the whole, you know, public health crisis of haram websites, which is rampant more than we would like to admit.

00:06:52--> 00:07:05

Or best case scenario, as sad as this isn't tragic. They just say, Okay, fine. I'm not a man no matter what, until 30. So I'll just video game until I'm 30. And they do not prepare for it whatsoever.

00:07:06--> 00:07:42

You know, one young man said to me recently, so you're saying we should get married just for like physical pleasure? Isn't that like cheap? I don't want to get married. And in my head, that's the justification. No, I'm not saying that. Because to get married just for that would be suboptimal, it would be inferior, right? You're getting married for your tranquility, you're getting married for family, you're getting married for OMA, you're getting married for putting people on this planet, that single Allah, Allah is the only one worthy of worship that know their purpose, and know where they came from and where they're going all of that. But the idea is,

00:07:44--> 00:08:24

this is not a light matter, it should be factored into when we get married. It's not the only reason. But it is a big reason. Because that's actually what I'm saying. I'm saying that if you don't factor in the clock, then they're going to make a bad decision for marriage. So we want them to make the right decision for marriage, we need to rush that decision as early as possible doesn't have to be 1415. But it also should not be, you know, figure it out. Know, some arbitrary number that society, you know, drills down our throats. You know, and also think about this. You know, one sister also told me, the men just need to like get a grip on things. This is something we're all

00:08:24--> 00:09:05

dealing with all men and women have this desire. And who are you to claim that you know, men have it harder than women? No, this is absolutely wrong. That line of thinking is wrong. And anyone who knows the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, I have not left behind, meaning if they're even after I die, stay on alert. I have not left behind me any trial more difficult on the men of my ummah, than women, right? understands this. It is not equal shorts accentuated, it's excited this desire for haram and all of us, right? But it is far more. So we'll always be generally speaking for men. And then just look at the reality also forget these narratives that say that

00:09:05--> 00:09:53

there's no difference between men and women whatsoever. And they're, you know, two sides of the same coin. These people are out of touch with reality altogether for get out of touch with how to, you know, make good relationships. Look at how many scandals you hear about, about a man who is reckless enough to ruin what he has invested of years to build his career to build his public reputation. He's willing to risk all of that for a cheap scandal, right? In some hotel or motel somewhere. How often do can we recall a woman that does this? It's almost unheard of, it's hard to think of one. You know, studies show that depending on your country, from seven to 80% of men have paid for haram

00:09:53--> 00:09:55

relationships at least once in their life.

00:09:56--> 00:09:59

You know, there was even you know, a big

00:10:00--> 00:10:27

reporting that happened on one of the world's major dating websites, that in order to keep the business alive, they make money off of this, they had to create so many fake accounts that weren't even women. Because the men are the ones that are so aggressively signing on to these things they were dealing with, you know, people that were not real fake accounts of suppose it women, and they could have been like, you know, men on the other side, posing to be women.

00:10:29--> 00:10:52

Because if you don't address this, it will go ugly routes, it will go hard on routes, right. That is why also the numbers I mentioned in the beginning don't contradict this, that there aren't men seeking, but women are seeking, yeah, the halal route, when you complicate it, then the men are not approaching the halal route. And they will get sucked into the Haram route. Because there's no accountability involved.

00:10:54--> 00:10:59

It's the easy way, when you make the halal haram hard, you make the Haram easy.

00:11:00--> 00:11:07

And this is very important. So we all have to sort of like accept that this is the reality. And

00:11:09--> 00:11:44

we have to deal with it, we have to figure out a way to deal with it, we have to be solution oriented about it. This is the first element. The second element, now when we've neglected their biological clocks, we also wind up neglecting to prepare them for marriage. Right? prepare them for marriage. If I'm done a long time, they're gonna wait when it's ready and stuff. I know parents that come to me all the time and say, Wait, I don't want him to just, you know, like, pick any sister. I told him, I was like, you haven't prepared him. You allow him to get sucked into this world. He hasn't finished his degree. He's involved in this then in the third, how many options does he have?

00:11:44--> 00:12:19

He said, No, but I'm going to build the business for him. I'm just waiting to move some things around financially, I'm gonna build the business for him and build it up for him so that he's something you know, a little bit more presentable to go to who told you he's gonna wait for you? He's been waiting 10 years biologically speaking, right? And so that idea of when exactly are you going to prepare someone for marriage? Right? It is, yes, scary. Very scary. We need to understand that, you know, you have to build up to it. And some maturity also will only happen after marriage. I mean, the prophets became prophets at 40 years old for a reason. That is full maturity, right? So

00:12:19--> 00:12:36

marriage many times and I know young brothers that telling me this, that our friends that their parents, you know, encourage them to get married early in college, they went through a transformation, because the grind of responsibility, the grind of life, also helped accelerate the maturation process, the preparation process.

00:12:38--> 00:13:23

We cannot be, you know, allowing our youth to spend the first two or three decades of their life, all they're thinking about is, you know, how to I how do I become the top scorer, the leader on the scoring boards on the gaming networks, online video games, right? Or to say, how do I go viral? Or how do I how do I make a lot of money even that, to think about, you know, the big things the ideals one brother, may Allah reward him told me this morning, that he said to his kids, young kids, preteens, both of them, he said to them, and he's not Palestinian, I will not live forever. I want you both to promise me that no matter what happens in life, even if they throw the fortunes of the

00:13:23--> 00:13:48

world at you, you will never betray the cause of Al Aqsa, you will never ever forget Palestine. You know, when someone's thinking that they're part of bigger knowing that they're part of something bigger than themselves part of the Ummah right on a mission in their life or responsibility in front of their brothers and sisters in front of Allah azza wa jal, and the least benefit in that is that they will be able to handle the responsibility of marriage, right? That's like a given.

00:13:49--> 00:14:13

But the daunting fear of being a spouse being a parent having to carry this load has never been even brought to their shores. You know, the brother reminded me when he said these things to the mother of a martyr that are videos floating around when the previous there are current, sadly, tragically, the previous attacks on Alexa.

00:14:14--> 00:14:43

She was saying at the funeral of her son, to all the other boys after beating him farewell in a splendid way that just you know, spoke of the faith in her heart. She said to the boys, stop crying. Don't show them your fear. Wipe your tears. Be a man my son is a man. He died brave. He died smiling. That's what a man is. Don't fear to meet Allah like this. What better way to walk out of this life will make more of you she was telling the men will make more of you.

00:14:44--> 00:15:00

Compare that mentality that preparedness to take on whatever challenges life may throw, even if they be those challenges, life threatening challenges, as opposed to what are our youth prepared for a call to Holy hell, Heather stuff, Rolla Alima

00:15:00--> 00:15:00

You welcome

00:15:10--> 00:15:18

Al hamdu Lillahi wa salatu salam ala manana be about that Chateau La ilaha illallah wa Hola, Sharika shadow and Muhammad Abdul who whenever you who are also.

00:15:21--> 00:16:05

So there is a third element here that I said glare that to me three, the first of them was neglecting their clock and as a result we neglect preparing them. And as a result, this is now a subset of preparation, neglecting the unique strengths in our men in our young men. You know, why do men not become men? Why do they suffer from what they call nowadays extended, so adolescents a 2025 30 year old boy, because it is unclear to him what it means to be a man. You know, interestingly, researchers talk about the fact that if you don't develop these strengths of male identity, like men, Allah created us this way, there's a reason why he made you the protector and

00:16:05--> 00:16:46

you're the provider, and you're the leader, and you're the defender, jihad is mandatory when it's mandatory on the men, right? There's a reason for this, because these are where a man feels accomplished. Allah constructed you in a way that would make it fairer for those to be your obligations. They're your strengths. But when we say no, this is not what a man is about, a man has no unique strengths, this man begins to feel irrelevant. Like I'm just, you know, what's the difference between a man or a woman. That's why in the past, by the way, women used to force men to men up, that's part of what we need to do in the community, that there are no relationships, we

00:16:46--> 00:17:28

teach that to our men except through marriage. And this is the path to marriage. When you do that, you're able to harness all of those desires for male expression, right strength and you know, exerting your external they called exert external agency, to exert your influence on the world man has a need to do that, in healthy ways to provide for the family and to protect the family and to lead the family, and so on and so forth. If you don't curb that, you know, through this channel, then the man practices destructive behavior. That's where you want to like go out and party and conquer and become violent. And sadly, the ones that suffer most from this poor expression, negative

00:17:28--> 00:18:06

patterns of behavior that males fall into when they don't have the relationship. What happens is what our sisters suffer more than anybody, right? Because the man didn't force was not forced to man up and serve the family. So she was That's it, I'm just going to have it for free, because women are not forcing me to do it through marriage. So I'll do without marriage free and no accountability. And then our sisters feel depressed, our sisters feel unwanted. Our sisters are subjected to vulnerable relationships like dating and the party life. The gender violence that fills you know, everywhere is a result of that they suffer more than anyone.

00:18:07--> 00:18:49

So the world in a sense, relatively yes is stranded for men. And our deen recognizes the reality of men and what they're about and how to not only protect them, but it turned them into something productive and beneficial for themselves and their families, their communities. We need to own that on that in our conversations. Encourage marriage, incentivize marriage, build your children up to marriage. I once asked a great scholar when I was wondering should I or should I not get married? Because there are thoughts floating insecurities. Part of this whole world the test of life is insecurities you don't know what's gonna happen five minutes from now. He said to me, Muhammad, the

00:18:49--> 00:19:27

Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam would never advise us with something harmful, and he said was alleging Cincinnati marriage is part of my tradition from an Raleigh ban Suniti whoever is averse to my sunnah, Felisa Mini is not of Me, it's not part of my guidance. It's not on you know, the caravan. That does not mean that every last person has to get married tonight or at 14 or 15. But in general, we want to create that robust marital culture that brings the best out of the men and the women and what comes out of these men and women, the generations after them. May Allah Azza did help us do that and permit for us a series of Hope was in sha Allah following this one, to address this

00:19:27--> 00:19:49

from as many angles as he deems fit and beneficial in sha Allah Allah, Allah Houma. fildena Ohana Allahumma Filon. ohana, Robin blend, as well as you know how to react in a Kurata ion, which animates Athena Imana Illa humulene misdemeanor and musky Matt when we need me nuts, Allah here immune Humar, Hamid I'm worth or Salallahu Salam, Ababa Karna b&m Muhammad wa early he was so happy it's Mary