Marital Tranquility – Choosing Wisely
Channel: Mohammad Elshinawy
File Size: 19.20MB
Episode Transcript ©
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Phils and Alima old Praise and Glory be to Allah Who thank him and we seek His help and his guidance and his pleasure and his forgiveness and we seek protection with Allah from the evil whispers within ourselves and from the consequences of our evil deeds.
For whomever Allah azza wa jal guides, none can lead astray and whomever Allah leaves a strain on can guide and we testify that no one is worthy of our worship and our devotion, and our love and obedience in the absolute sense but Allah and Allah alone without any partners, the true supreme King, that the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was in truth, his prophet, and his servant that His Messenger
after welcoming my brothers and sister to the house of Allah azza wa jal and reminding myself a new with the Taqwa of Allah,
we resume as promised, discussing the delayed marriage phenomenon, and we said that we will, if we are not already feel it, all of us. And that is why these topics are relevant for us all and for the discourse that happens amongst us all. And for the narrative that is adopted and the perspective that is given and shared, or pushed back against about this subject by us all.
Today, the next leg of our journey will be about the intimidation many people have or sometimes the deadlock when you're choosing a spouse or, you know, involved in the choice of someone that is looking to get married. And there happens this
standoff right this stall because we are not able to find the perfect match, we are not able to find the perfect spouse. And that's actually a big part of where the problem comes from. The assumption that there is a perfect spouse, there is no perfect spouse, there is no perfect match. And therefore what you are looking for is not perfection, that is for Allah, and on the human level that is for His Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and for us nonprofits that will happen in Jannah in sha Allah, but there is no perfect partner. There is no perfect choice, making the wise choice is the best choice for you. The Wise choice knowing I'm picking based on what I can possibly get out of a
fellow human being a fellow creature. In marriage, you are looking for tranquility, you are looking for emotional security, you're looking for companionship, you're looking for a supportive partner to walk with you through the journey and the ups and downs of this life.
till we get to the other side, we get across the bridge safely. That is the wise choice and the wise mindset a person wants done as they are choosing not some fantasy out there that will never be attainable. And then even perfection perfection for who perfection according to how I see it, or perfection according to how my parents see if there's another clash regarding choices. And many times that perfection that you know the singles want.
Could be pure fantasy. It could be what remains of the Disney love stories we used to watch when we were kids, that there's this one perfect soulmate out there and I have to wait till they come along and I have to travel the whole world to find them. And we're going to complete each other's sentences as we ride off into the sunset. And this is fantasy. If you were identical twins born from the same womb and raised in the same home, you wouldn't be that similar.
And this whole notion that there's one love of your life that can never be replaced. Even if not partially know. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam the love of his life and it was never replaced. It's true in a sense, Khadija Radi Allahu Ana he loved her like he loved no other woman. But does he not have the most extraordinary and inspiring for every marriage type of story in his marriage to Aisha Radi Allahu anha. Absolutely.
So that's fiction, the idea that there's this, there's one out there and if I miss them, I've missed it all. And then now let me alternate to the parents. This idea that, you know, your children are a carbon copy of you is a fantasy. And then you start choosing a spouse for them that matches what you're fantasizing imagining your kids are when they could be a very different person, very different person which has very different needs, and a very different set of qualities to match them and make them comfortable in life. That's another part of it.
So the wise choice is not the you know, the perfect choice. Sometimes the wise choice means also making the best out of a current situation.
No, sometimes people get inclined to others before marriage. And if a person didn't do anything haram by the way to develop feelings for another person that is not their spouse, this wouldn't be haram. They just found themselves infatuated, fixated, drawn, that's fine. And even if there was some inappropriate behavior involved, and that other person was not completely unreasonable of a choice, we should still try to facilitate it. Because the Quran told us to, and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam told us to where do I get that from? So Mark Livni Assad has just one example of the Allahu Anh, he wanted to make a big deal
because his sister and by extension him were insulted or he felt humiliated and so he didn't want to put it down. How was she humiliated, her husband had divorced her. And so when her husband wanted to try things again and re marry her remarry, marketing sister marketing said over my dead body not gonna happen, you will never have my sister again.
Again, this is not your marriage, right? But you're making too big of a deal out of it. You're imagining this is the end of the world. Allah azza wa jal said what while at Agudo Hoonah and Karina is Raja Han, the Ayat came down to say, do not get in the way, the guardian of the woman, her brother in this case, do not get in the way. Do not obstruct them and young kitchen as well as your home enough from marrying their husbands meaning their former husbands either taught although being a humble maruf after they have come to a mutual agreement between them, that means the conversation has been happening after they've come to a mutual agreement between them build models that is
reasonable. So if there's reasonable grounds moving along, why didn't the door of halal for them help as we said,
you know, another incident this one in the Sunnah. Bear era Radi Allahu anha was a slave woman that was freed by Aisha Radi Allahu anha. Once she became free, she wanted out from her marriage, because her husband Malik was still a slave. So you know, she's moved on to bigger and better things I can do better basically.
And so he was devastated and he was emotionally attached to her and he would walk after her in the streets, crying with his tears flowing down his cheeks, to the point that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in one Hadith said to an ibis, his uncle, the prophets, uncle,
Allah azza wa jal mean, hope the movies in Berea were boldly varirata movie fun. Isn't it amazing? How much movie loves her even though she hates him so much? You'd think you'd be put off by how much he hates him. He still loves her despite how much he hates him. And then he said Allah is salatu salam, ma a to Lille. mutawa. Deena Michelle, Nika. I don't see any better solution for two people that love each other than to get them married.
That means they weren't married at the moment that they had feelings for each other. And then he actually went to Barry era and said to her Ella to Rajouri Why don't you take him back? Marry him.
She said, Morrone, are you commending me like are you speaking in your capacity as a prophet of God? Or are you speaking, you know, as a friend?
You know, are you just endorsing, encouraging that sort of thing? Carla in Santa Ana Scheffer. No, I'm just an intercessor. Like, I'm just the middleman trying to vouch for him trying to make it work. Or even legit, I left Leafy, she said in that case, I have no need for him. And she refused to go back to him, and you refuse to marry him that was respected. But the idea is the Prophet alayhi salatu salam wanted to move, move it along.
And so we will try to move it along. And not be bottlenecks with the choice of those that are getting married. But I do want to switch back quickly to those that are getting married. You also beware of becoming your own enemy. Beware of you know, making an emotional decision that could have permanent consequences. Whether or not the marriage succeeds, there could still be consequences even after a marriage, right? And so what you need to do is not be closed minded and shut your ears and not listen to others. When they tell you it's not a match. Like realize, why is it that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam came with a Sharia that said the free woman doesn't have to stay married
to the slave. Think about that. Also, why didn't he say no, the marriage is still intact. The Sharia as wisdom says that compatibility is an issue. They have just separated so far their classes have become so far that it is really not sustainable.
That is why when people tell you that this is not a good match for you, listen, don't listen blindly, but give them an ear realize that you are too emotionally invested. And likely, if you haven't been married before, don't have enough life experience to realize how much of a big deal these could be, you know, in an Islamic Courts, for example, a person can say, you know, no, I'm not gonna let her marry him, because he did not finish primary education and she's a graduate student or a PhD. They have two completely different backgrounds, two completely different worldviews. He can't stop a marriage for just any reason. But that would be reasonable enough of a reason to be heard in
court and he wouldn't be allowed to stop the marriage. According to many, many, many Muslim judges and scholars.
Even the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam did something similar. You know, when when his son in law, I even thought it wanted to marry the daughter of Abu Jiang as the second wife.
Alongside the prophets, daughter Fatima, the Prophet alayhi salatu salam got in the way, but he clarified he said, In Nila Hallelu haram, and while I will hurry Mohalla I'm not making anything Halal haram or haram Khaled. It's not that it's secondarily haram for you to have a second wife, but the daughter of the Messenger of Allah and the daughter of the enemy of Allah cannot be in one house, because then Abuja could enter and can have access to harass or hurt my daughter. Right? And so there could be major cons involved that are technically halal, that could lead to a destructive, you know, track in life.
If someone does not have your religious commitment, that's the most important compatibility issue. Right? Some people think, yes, I know she's not religious, or she's not Muslim. And but still, it's fine. She's going to just I'm still going to be allowed to know Are you really?
Are you able to vanquish your own shaitan or your own neffs to be able to take on a double team? And really, let's be honest here, if they will not get in the way will they encourage you know, and will you have the bandwidth the time even if technically you are left alone, to instill Islam and planted in your children when you're off at work? For example, will they instill Islam in your children for you? Or will you have to be responsible for that and not able to deliver and then you live in this world people that have no background in Islam, this is all a reality, a daily reality.
A call to call it has our stuff from Allah Allah Allah Allah
and hamdu Lillahi wa salatu salam ala Milena vivad Should Allah Allah illallah wa hula Shetty Cara or shadow anna Muhammad and Abu who whenever you who are also,
just as we mentioned two weeks ago that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam encouraged paving the way when there comes to you a suitor a man that you are pleased with his upright character and please with his religious commitment, open the door allow them to present themselves allow them to propose so your daughter's on the opposite end the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said about the most important factor in choosing the right spouse Choosing Wisely. He said to the men that a woman is married, meaning ordinarily this is what people do. For four reasons. He said for her beauty for her wealth for her status and for her Dean her religious commitment. And so make sure you
come away with a woman of Deen in order to be successful.
This does not mean that having wealth or having status or having beauty are irrelevant. The Prophet alayhi salaatu wa sallam even told a man did you look he said no he said go and look at her for inner who knew the medina Kuma go and look it will be more likely if you're pleased with her physically, to add to the length of the relationship more likely to help with the longevity of the relationship. You'll demo that while I'm on Boehner coma. And that is the point the marriage is hoped to be something maintained something sustained something long term, but at the expense of the dean. Everything else is an irrelevant factor.
And so the last thing I will mention one final issue about choosing is after we said Beauty money.
Usually it is not the spouses, they're too emotional to think about anything else, but the money factor.
Parents many times may say this person does not have enough money and they cause that to be the obstacle. Their definition of enough money.
You know, one sister complained to to a chef, that anyone who comes to my father unless he has a certain
You know, income, a high end income unless he's very prosperous. My father won't hear him out. He could be the most religious man on earth. And on the opposite end.
If he is wealthy, he could be the biggest villain on the planet. He just wants to push me to marry him.
And so the chef's that Subhanallah the Father, if you ask him, Why would you give your daughter to this person?
He says, He will say Allah, he was gonna guide him. That will always say right wishful thinking Allah may guide him he's young, he's silly, he's being stupid, Allah will guide him. He said So you believe that Allah isn't had the the guide for this guy with you don't want to believe that Allah is reserved for the provider for that guy. Why? Where do you get the double standard from?
It is overvaluing the factor of wealth in your choice.
Even after the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said to us, that three people Allah who made it a duty upon himself, to spend on them, one of them is inaccurate due to FF, the person who pursues marriage for the sake of keeping himself chaste.
And and so I helped Buhari signedness that says that a man a woman came to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and offered herself to him in marriage. And so he very respectfully very considerably declined. And so a man jumped up to the Rasul Allah, let me marry her. He said, What do you have for meaning money is a factor, right? There is a wedding gift to show that you are truthful. That's why it's called sod up. It shows that you have slid clear, truthfully ready to be committed. But that should be something significant to show his truthfulness. And that varies from person to person. It's not going to end the deal. It's not a deal breaker, but it is something
significant for his budget.
Anyhow, he said, What are you going to give him? How are you going to prove your suit? That's what Mahara is about. That's what Saddam was about. He said, I don't have anything except this is our basically my pants. So he said to him, you're gonna give her your pants, then what are you going to sit with? That's not going to work. He said, Go find something even if it is a iron ring, a ring made out of metal. So he went around, couldn't find anyone I guess to give him something or lend him something at the moment. So nothing can't find anything. So he tried to facilitate I like salatu salam that is also a lesson though. I want you to focus on money for this hadith.
He said to him, how much Quran Do you memorize, he said, I have this assault on the surah this Surah Surah. Karl as that which took a beat on XML, Quran, fine, I have agreed to marry you to her in exchange for what you possess what you have committed to heart of the Quran, meaning that you teach it to her. So the tuition would basically be the monetary gift, right? The value of that time you will do to her and give her those sorrows of the Quran. This is how the Prophet alayhi salatu salam did it, you know, some people, they set a very high expectation on the bachelors, youth tell me I can't get married until I have 100,000. I need the MaHA and any down payment on the house, or else
no one's gonna open their front door for me. And I need such insight and then the wedding. Right. And he's already coming out of college with, you know, student loans, perhaps right.
And then this Mahara issue is supposed to show that they're truthful, it is not supposed to be something and it certainly can be that burdens the spouse or the suitor or the bachelor. And then as a role model, the loved ones that don't do this, you think that you're you're like locking him into the marriage because he spent so much and so he's gonna think twice about, you know, leaving your daughter, this could actually be the greatest cause of resentment against her, that he she has costed him so much. It's not a guarantee that's not your insurance policy. Someone can say how can I be sure, we tell you that the Dean actually showed you the criteria, and what is more important, and
that's how you can be sure. And then you have a three step process after the engagement. There is the marital contract, which is not a full blown marriage, in the sense that they haven't moved in yet. You could stagger it. The dean does do that. Only after they move in, do you owe the full Mahara and the liabilities increase and so on and so forth. There's a perfect mechanism. But if we create our own we're going to really suffer we're going to struggle. So this is in general how to choose and how to evaluate and may Allah azza wa jal facilitate for all of our youth and our singles marriages, and help us create a lively robust, Healthy Marriage culture that can either turn the
tide or insulate us from it. These walls that we see around us between people and homes and families Allahumma Amin, may Allah teach us that which will benefit us and benefit us of that which He has taught us and increases in beneficial knowledge. Allahumma fildena Ohana Allahumma Filon Ohana at Furlanetto Bella Coola The Kahala de la sera several how Alania well how Akira phyllanthus was tarantula yo Bakshi friend and crew with orphan herbal husana Once rod and Anna Karim Robin I have learned I mean as well as you know what do
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