Reflections on Marriage #4

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salatu salam ala Asha for them even a medieval mousseline Muhammad Rasulullah sallallahu sallam, the Steven cathedral cathedral Movado, my brothers and sisters, the question of conversation in marriage is rooted in based on respect for each other, the two spouses and genuine interest in each other's work.

This is not a conversation as in what's happening in Pakistan and Imran Khan will live or die. That's not the conversation I'm talking about. I'm talking about conversation which is meaningful about each other, understanding what each other each one does. And respecting it, being proud of that for the sake of the other person. And organization around that. This is what builds a marriage. This is what keeps a marriage together. What is a killer? As I said before, and I say it a million times, is trying to change. I have a basic fundamental principle in my life. Anything that the spouse does, which is not haram, I don't talk about I don't care what my spouse wears, what she

eats, she doesn't eat and so on and so on and so forth. Unless it is something which is

physically harmful, or the unless it's something we just had up on the law. I have a spouse who doesn't do either of that. That is not the question of conversation, the question of conversation is to because there is think about this, if you're if you really feel your spouse is so in need of being changed by you, then why are you married in the first place, that it's a ridiculous situation to be in, you're married to someone you basically dislike the way they are, and you want to change them, you know, do yourself a favor, get a divorce, go find somebody who really you genuinely,

you genuinely love, you genuinely respect, and live happily instead of ruining the other person's life. Seriously, I mean, I know it doesn't sound nice to say to get a divorce. But that's probably the best thing to do. If that is really the case. In most cases, that is not the case. It's just that your fallada, you forgot what attracted you to that person, as I told you, we are on animals, if it is only physical attraction, that there is no difference between us and any other mammal. It's not, if there was something in the other person which you really loved and respected and you and that attracted, you get back that and it is still there. It's just that you forgot how to look for

it. You forgot where you forgot where it was, because you got so involved in your children or you got so involved with whatever else you have ordered. Now get uninvolved and get back into the marriage, the marriage is worth it. Because this is the essential This is the only relationship that differentiates us from mammals, which is a marriage. Animals don't marry humans body. And that's why it is something which is worth

working on. It's not we do a lot of fighting, we should fight for the marriage, not fight in the marriage. So very important, make this absolute rule for yourself. Number one, that as long as my spouse is not doing something which is haram, if your spouse, if your spouse, for example, is not praying, that is something you need to be concerned about. Because if you've got a spouse who deliberately leaves salah, then it means that your spouse is not even Muslim because they have left Islam, you don't want to be that situation. So be very, very clear about this number to be very clear that

if they are doing something which is wrong, not praying, we have I mean, I don't want to make one long list of of evils that are there in humans in Muslim society. But there are plenty that as long as that is not happening and I handle them majority of cases, none of that is happening. Or

anything else which is you know, detrimental to health and so on. That's a different issue. But other than that, do not criticize your spouse, leave them alone, let them live their life the way they want to live their lives. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Second thing is what's very important is trust. And again trust I don't mean trust in terms of adultery Alhamdulillah you know, we are not married to people. We don't have to worry about that inshallah. Right that they are going to have an affair with somebody and so on. Trust in terms of running the House Trust in terms of money, just in terms of you know, if I if I give them my money men have this thing. If I give the

money to my wife, she's going to spend it on let her spend it all right, start from the base general look, here is the bank account here is the credit card here's the thing, and if you you know spend it all no problem Allah is the provider until we find the money again we are going to starve and we are going to make keep keep fasting right we just make Rosa after Rosa eat one day to the morning one day to evening. Probably good for health as well.

So it's very simple. Think about this, you didn't marry a moron, you married a adult woman, and more for most of us, You married a woman who was educated, who understands money. So why treat her like a moron. Because if you if you, if you treat her like a moron, she's going to behave like a moron. If she treats you like a moron, you will behave like a moron. So please understand this, treat each other with respect. And respect means to trust, respect means to leave them alone, let them pursue their personal interests. In life, whatever that is. Third thing is you have to genuinely respect what they do and have an interest in showing interest in that. That is what builds conversation. If

the if the hole, for example, if the man is working hard, usually this is the way it goes, the man works hard, he's in a career, he's in a corporate organization or something, he's running a business, he's in his business.

And then the moment he comes home, all that he faces is complaints, you never give time, you don't come to us, you don't do this, you don't do that you don't do that. You're only interested in the law, whatever, you are living a beautiful life, because He's only interested in in his business, you are driving a beautiful car, because he is earning the money that that it takes to buy you that car, he you are doing XYZ blah, blah, blah, because your husband is a true, obviously, there are only 24 hours. So he's going to give a lot more time to his career and so on. That is part of the game. That is the that is the equation, because he gives that time he is successful, because he's successful,

he is able to support you, and keep you in the status and standard that you have become accustomed to. And vice versa. The man comes home, and he has, you know, a beautiful house to look at, he's got a nice meal to eat, and so on and so forth. That must be appreciated. So clearly. Now, again, I'm not, you know, being anti feminist or whatnot, the woman might say, well, I also have a career, you know, seriously think about this, especially if you have children, one of the two spouses has to give primary time to the children. Islam says that has to be the mother, because the primacy of responsibility for raising children is that of the mother, the mother raises the children, the

Father takes care of the financial and other responsibilities of the household. And that is the best way because this is the way that is decreed by Allah subhanaw taala, he created men and women differently different from each other, he did not create them to complement each other, they are complete in themselves, they are not incomplete, with one complementing the other both are complete in themselves, but they are made for different functions.

And that cannot be substituted. Therefore, those functions must be performed by those two. And each must appreciate the benefit and value of the function that the other one is providing. And this is what builds conversation. So respect one another, simply one another, talk to one another. And as I said, ship your children off, you know, FedEx them to your mother in law's house or wherever. But make sure that you keep tabs, get some time for yourselves, and make this into a regular habit every you know, at least every month, I mean, I'm pushing it really should be every day, but may not be every day, but every week at least. But definitely every month, if you haven't done this, you know,

just think about how many months for for many people, it's yours. When was the last time you just you and just you and your wife when you just had and you chatted and you just looked at a sunset or you did something just together washed a nice movie together or whatever. When was the last time you did that? For many people, they do not have an answer to that.

They're running around in circles, children, children, children, at the end of that you find you have no marriage.

So big deal with children. So please take time out and talk to one another. And remember, remember one final thing I'm gonna say to you, the longer you live it, the more difficult it becomes. You truly become strangers to one another is like two strangers living in the same house in the same hotel, you check into checkout. That is not a good situation to be in. And I'm sure you realize that. So please, talk to one another and don't put it off until it becomes impossible when there are walls now built between the two and really, you know, you can't We can't break that one if it doesn't go across. If that happens, seek help. There is no shame in seeking help to have to relearn

how to communicate. There is no there's no shame in seeking help to bring your marriage together. If there is if there is a problem with the marriage. Please understand this. There's nothing magical about trying to do it on your own or the female equivalent or macho to try to do it on your own. No, it is not. It's

Sometimes you really do need help seek that help. Find a counselor, find somebody who is who has the maturity and ability to guide you and take it forward from that this is very, very important to do. And if you don't do that, grieve me the price to pay is not only the spouses, but the children also end up paying a very heavy price, which is entirely entirely avoidable. Ask Allah subhanaw taala to help us to

to make marriage the most beautiful thing as he himself general who said in his book was Allah Allah Allah will carry while he was away remember Africa