Half of Faith #2

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Maryam Lemu

Channel: Maryam Lemu

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Episode Transcript

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Assalamu alaikum Welcome back. This is Maryam lemo and with me is my husband.

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I just want to pick up where we left off

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after the investigations were done is to Hara was done by both families because I told my father that shake had gotten about three more people in addition to hygiene actually move.

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And no delay no and himself to embark on is to Hara seeking Ella's guidance if this union is the best for both of us and our families and the oma. My father also had people he respected himself and myself. And in our case, we embark on a three day fasting and then the Easter

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everybody was happy with it, except one person.

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shake me limb was not immediately convinced that I was the best person for his daughter. It took about almost three months then he said it was in Harlem in the ABA that Allah showed him that I was Miriam's

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right, correct partner, and it was upon his return from around that He gave His blessings. So why didn't it was said, and we got married on the 27th of September 1991, which would make a 29 years September inshallah, September 2020. inshallah, and with all my preparations, because one of the things I did during the courtship is basically to say, say, eight, you have skeletons in your cupboard, you need to clear those skeletons to be able to be the best husband, you can be for Marian. So there was a lot of introspection, there was a lot of going into the self, a journey into the self journey of discovery. And what I had to confront, were a lot of what I consider my

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weaknesses, that would become problematic for me as a husband. And I thought, in all honesty, that the time that I had, with all the introspection have done, that I figured it out, and I found the answers to all those questions, until we got married and moved to the States. And within two weeks, Maria asked me for a divorce. And I was like, what

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many of you have heard this story, but I was shocked.

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And I was like, No, this is not going to happen. I have done all the introspection, all the self analysis, all the self criticism that I needed to do to be what I thought was the perfect husband. I think even in that attitude of mine, there was an element of arrogance. And

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we started having problems the first fight very simple. You know, I worked very hard, you know, and among the dowry that was put together, I got a very expensive watch. Of course, it was waterproof and everything and but Maria would do everything with the watch, she would do the dishes, she would you know, even go to the shower with the dishes and with the with the watch on her hand. And I was like, wait, wait, wait, I suffered to buy that watch country, just respect the watch, take it off, put it down before you go into the shower, or do the dishes and I told him, my mother's in my family. I say my family. This is how quick watch us watch it all the time. Believe you me, ladies

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and gentlemen, that is the beginning when you start setting the rules based on how you were raised, you are setting up your own home with new rules. But when you say in my house, which I had an attitude, and she said well in my house, and here we were

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two stubborn people. I'm the eldest of the family, very pampered kind of privileged, she was the baby of the family kind of spoiled, also privileged. And man, did we. But I wasn't as stubborn as he was. So okay, we won't argue that point. But let's go.

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That was the beginning. That was where we just were not here. We were madly, really madly in love with each other. But these experiences which was what I said in the first episode, that we are the sum of our experiences, kept rearing their ugly heads in the home that we were trying to create. And I wasn't able to say you didn't cover this area. And I think that was the problem. I covered a lot about myself but never thought about what those experiences were doing to me and what it was doing to her

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And it went on now that particular

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problem, the fights were in love, but we have fights we're in love now, but, and I said, you know, Maria, I don't think it is the right atmosphere to bring a child into the world. And I said, I need to go back again and look into myself. Am I ready to be a good father? And are you ready to be a good mother? Do we understand the sacrifices necessary to bring a child into this world and not make them victims of the problems between the two of us? So we agreed to really look into that. It took me three years to be ready to be a father.

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When I told my mom, I think I'm ready, and she said, I'm ready to answer. I don't think so. Well, to get a long story short, it took the two of us six years, with all the pressure we were getting are getting pressure from my late father, I'm getting pressure from my mother. At first I told him she was two years. Now then my father gave me like a couple of years that is you old enough now? Oh, my goodness,

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I had to come up with a line. And it was true. I told my father, it wasn't a less time for us to become parents. Because we're not having this child for anybody. We're not having the chair for my parents, we're not having the chair for her parents. Nobody should pressure you into having a child because ultimately, you are the ones that Allah will hold accountable for how you raise the child. And if you're not ready to be a proper parent, to be the best parent you can be. Children should not be experiments.

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You should be prepared to be parents. I don't know what you want to say. Yeah, no, I think several things though, I will go back a bit rewind before we got to where we started having children, the fights, obviously, I've shared this in lectures. But the big surprise came from the fact that I never saw my parents fight. And so I didn't know that you fight as a couple. And with all the high expectations of going into marriage, which is why a lot of marriages fail early on the disappointment because you've got expectations, you've got fantasies, you've got things you've read in romance novels. And for a lot of women, a lot of girls, those are the things they expect will

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happen in the marriage. So now it's z, z world. I think we even got somebody wrote a letter to us, and was wanting counseling and like, how can I get my husband to be as romantic as those people in Bollywood in Bollywood? Yeah, and I was like, that is fake. It's just actors. I've been to India, that's not how they live. That's not how they relate. They don't go around into parks and start singing and dancing. That is all fiction and fantasies of what they hope their own real life would be. So I went with fantasies and expectations, and I hit the ground and hit my face hard on the ground because it wasn't. Yeah, it wasn't and what my parents had was what I thought my perception,

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many of us look at other couples, and we think they have perfect marriages. And we want that however, that is what they choose to show to the world. And you don't know that behind the scenes. For those marriages that are thriving. You don't know what they did to get there. The hard work the blood that was shed. So isn't I fought bad fights and we'll be talking about that inshallah. During the next episode, however, how we moved from the disappointment and the disappointment, the toxicity, the decision not to bring a child into the world where there is no love. There is no affection, there is no empathy. There is no emotional intelligence and care for one another would

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not be fair, because we so wanted to be deliberate parents, we wanted to make sure that our children saw enough what we want them to be as parents themselves, because we often replicate what we see in our homes. But I think yes, like it said, it took us six years for me, I knew I wasn't ready. I was still growing, still learning spiritually. I was lost, I didn't have focus, I didn't feel I lost presence in my life. And I felt how will I teach what I don't have and that is so important as parents that you need to get yourself in order before you can get others in order before you can be a parent, you need to be a model you really have to have your act together and that is something

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that inshallah as we go into the next episode, we will talk about something that I know a lot of you are waiting to hear, which is how did we go from the fights, which took about six years to what we have today inshallah, so I hope you will join us for that, looking forward to having you looking forward to that.