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Parenting with Compassion
Channel: Ismail Kamdar
File Size: 25.47MB
Episode Transcript ©
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called to LA he saw the logo and he was selling them.
to LA he so loved while he was in
last week we spoke about the importance of compassion and
equality that every Muslim needs to have
and to do to build upon the one area in our lives, where we cannot afford to have anything less than Rama
and that is in our parenting methodology.
So today inshallah I want to speak a bit about the importance of parenting with compassion, parenting with Rama.
Well, recent statistics. And research has shown that one of the main causes for Muslim youngsters to go astray is a poor relationship with the appearance
in the majority of cases where children from practicing Muslim homes went astray. When interviewed these children, these youngsters said that they had a bad relationship with their parents, they had a bad experience of Islam with the appearance. And so
Muslim youngsters going astray is very closely linked to,
to such an extent that some of these children even go as far as to say that they don't even know if their parents love them, that they have never experienced anything from the parent side to make them feel loved.
Related to this, recent research has also shown that very often a child's perception of God of Allah is directly related to their relationship with their parents. Meaning that children that grow up in a home with their parents are loving with adherence or kind with a parents are, you know, the Bringers of joy in your life. They grew up imagining God to be a kind and loving and just one.
But children who grew up in a home, where the parents are harsh, and the parents are mean, and the parents are unforgiving, then those children grew up imagining a love to be harsh.
Why? Because the parents are the first or authority figure in the life of a child. And based on that perception, that's how they perceive all greater authority figures, including the greatest of all authorities and who create them.
So the advantage of parenting there are wrong. But when it comes to practicing Muslims is just one method that commonly cause children to go straight, right to these three main methods of parenting that cause children to go astray, but only one of them is generally found amongst practicing Muslims. The two that are not found among practicing Muslims is negligence and indulgence. What do we mean negligent and indulgent negligence means with a parent only cares about himself. So this appearance is more worried about his own his own job, his own business and own hobbies. He doesn't really care about children, right, this kind of parent, the child grows up feeling neglected,
feeling unloved, and eventually going to string. The other child is that liberal indulgence, where the kid grows up with this idea, or the parent researcher with the idea that my children should have the freedom to do what they want. And so they let the child do whatever they want, drugs, alcohol, and everything they wanted to experiment. So of course, this child who does not have maturity, who does not have wisdom, is going to make terrible life choices, our boundaries, and it's going to end up to industry. But the type of parenting that we don't talk about enough, is in the opposite direction. And this one is often found in practicing Muslim households. And this is why each of us
need to assess whether we have fallen into this group. And that is an authoritarian method of parenting. A almost tyrannical medical parenting with a parent sees themselves as nothing more than the law enforcement with the only relationship that the child has with dependencies, the parents set the rules, tell them what not to do, and you punish them if they do it. And that's all there is. That's all the parent knows. That's all the child knows that my father, when he comes home, he's going to give me a bat. And that's as far as the relationship between the father and the son goes. If someone is raising the child in this
data, that child most likely wouldn't allow, that child most likely will feel unloved. And that child will grow up not just resenting their parents but resenting Islam.
So it's very, very dangerous. And furthermore, not only is this dangerous, but it is the opposite of this. It really is the opposite of discernment. When looking at the different parenting models out there, there is one model that is the same as the sooner and this is the one that psychologists have shown that it actually leads to good results in parenting. And that is, love. With boundaries, love, wood, laws, love with a sense of authority, meaning a parenting style when the child feels loved by the appearance.
In any story, historically, have you find someone who grew up to be an amazing person, you will find the appearance, very often very loving, but also strict when in fact,
it wasn't one way or the other, it was loving all the time, but strict on the things that truly matter.
And this is the type of parenting that you should not actually find in the life of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam no doubt, he maintained the laws of Islam in his home. No doubt, he raised his children upon the best of luck and the best of manners and the best of personalities. But we also see as a consistent feature in the Sierra is that every interaction you have with a child, whether it is these old child or somebody else's child, it is always from a position of awe. It's always from a position of compassion and love and mercy. That the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam relationship with children was the relationship of
the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. Never.
He never had a child.
He allowed it in the worst of situations, but he never did it himself. Because the loving relationship he had with children guaranteed that they grew in the right direction, and that you would never have to ever have to get them. And so the
methodology was one
in which I started to the football operator,
that once a man a bit one man show the prophets of Allah while he was in public, pick up his grandson Hassan and kissing.
This man then boasted, I have 10 sons. I've never kissed any of them.
I should the john Healy, idea of masculinity is that you don't kiss your sons Rasulullah sallallahu I think he was so that was sent to protect us and the profits are low while he was upset Mullah.
Whoever does not show compassion will not receive protection, this Heidi's procardia Muslim,
it is agreed upon as authentic. What does he mean by whoever does not show compassion will not be shown compassion. There are two meanings to this. Number one, if you are not compassionate to the creation of Allah do not expect a lot to be compassionate to you. And number two, in relationship to the situation of children, in which the problem is always upset this. People who are not compassionate to the children should not expect the children to be compassionate to them when they grow up.
And this is what we see, right? When a parent is loving, that child grows up generally, and again, exceptions to every rule, but generally to be loving and returning. Every appearance is tyrannical. The children want to be tied to the same period and to the next generation as well as to protect us. We see a lot of stories of not just having this with his own children and grandchildren, even with the statute. So when the prophet SAW a lot while he was unmarried, Miss Elena, she was a widow with four children. And her daughter Xena, no reach a lot of interaction with the property sold off when he was when she was a child growing up in the house of the property.
And once the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he had Hassan and Hussein and Osama his grandchildren were Hassan Hussein, his biological grandchildren, some of his adopted sons. So like his grandson, he hugged them, and while he was telling them, he noticed that when Salah is enough
so we asked him why.
Solomon said that, you know, basically, she said that you were feeling left out and so you have them as well as if you are also
you are also on the beat. And Susanna grew up in that household where she was treated as a bait, even though she is the son or the daughter of Abu Salah, not the daughter.
But he raised his own daughter, and she grew up to become a great scholar of Islam and a great reader of Hadees we see
This evil with children outside of the family completely Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in his interaction on the secret body, even while he was a child who served Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam immediately, but he he helped him out in many ways. And he says in another issue that I served Rasulullah, sallAllahu, alayhi wasallam for 10 years, and not once did he say a bad word? Not once that he taught me Why did you do this? or Why didn't you do that? Not once. So we see Russia as the overall methodology of Rasulullah sallallahu. I think he was alone in his treatment of children. So how do we raise our children with Russia, while still maintaining boundaries, while
still making sure that they know what's right and wrong, and they don't go astray. I mentioned seven steps, seven things that we can do to ensure that we are raising our children in a way where they feel loved at the same time they grow in the right direction. Number one, express your love and affection for them every day. Whether it's with a hug, or a kiss, or whether it's hugging them, I love you, even if it's a smile, even if it's sharing a joke with them, spending quality time with him, whatever it is, find ways every day to express your love for your children. I have met children who have grown up in practicing Muslim homes who have said that never in their entire lives that the
parents have given to them.
Never in the entire life. This is a this is the opposite of go back. And neither of these you see the promise luxury passion, I love you. You seem telling somebody to say I love you, you will see him telling him I love this one.
So where do we go getting this opposite of.
So number one, make your deep work relationship with your children, one of them where that child even in 2030 or 40 years time, when they are asked about you, they will say I know my father loved me. I know my mother loved me, because they were raised with that love.
Number two, once you have established the relationship of love and compassion, now you can build upon that with the laws. You see many of us having backwards, we want to lay down the law on the children without first forming a relationship with Him. And so all the child sees is laws and laws and laws in a vacuum and the laws become overbearing. But if you have this foundation of law, and the laws are both the one that then is something Did you know you you weren't willing to listen to somebody who you know cares about you. If a parent doesn't, if a child doesn't know that the parent cares about them. That child sometimes doesn't want to listen with a child knows my parents love me,
then the more willing to listen. And that takes us to number three. Number three.
When it comes to laying down the law in your house when it comes to setting up the rules for your household. Always explain to your children Why? explain to them why they can't go out at night by themselves. explain to them why they can't can't hang out with a certain crowd. explain to them why they can't sleep over at the front of your router. Don't just tell the children don't do it. explain to them why show them the effects of drugs and alcohol so that they don't ever think about trying to explain to them the statistics of how Xena ruins the life of young people. So they are not tempted to fall into it. It's not enough to tell a child or a teenager don't do it. Ensure that you explain
to them why they are far more likely to listen when they understand why. Number four
have realistic expectations. And this is really where many of us fall apart when it comes to parenting. We expect our children to be competent.
But every son of Adam makes mistakes. So if you are expecting perfection from your children, they are going to disappoint you. And I've seen this I've seen children who grew up to be exporters of Islam doing full time Islamic work, but when you talk to their parents events like disappointed you know you can get all these high school and disappointed in him. He's not driving this kind of car. I'm disappointed he one day apart from doing something wrong. ignoring all the good focusing on the few mistakes. That is not a slide. That is not the Islamic way. Remember that what you mentioned last week,
where when he came to his nephew, when a learner revealed the blessing, forgiven, overlook.
apply that to your children. When you realize your children better. Sit with them. Talk with them. figure out why. How define the back to Allah. Don't ever be the parent who says Oh, you did something wrong. I'm never speaking to you again. Or you did something wrong. You know my son anymore. That is an Islamic
islamically you leave the door of repentance open you guide them back to
that takes us to point number five. Teach them the path of repentance.
Teach them how to be a sniper. teach him how to make Toba because no one is going to live a long life in this dunya without messing up. So if you are expecting perfection from them, you are setting them up for failure. But if you teach them, if you teach them is the part if you teach them how to come back when you messed up, and they always have a way back to always have a way back.
Number six, even when you have to discipline them, try to do it in a loving way.
So As parents, we lay down laws in our house, we expect our children to obey those laws. Sometimes they mess up. Sometimes they make mistakes. how you deal with that mistake is very important. If you deal with it in a shouty angry, you know a way that where there's no compassion, then the child may listen, but they may be resentment. But if you sit the child does explain to them this is what you did is wrong. This is what's going to happen, you can go down this path. This is where this part leads to. I don't want to do this because it leads to that ending. And you explain to them why it's wrong. And
I'm grounding you for two weeks, It's for your own benefit. After that, we'll see after the mistakes, it becomes easier for the child to absorb and to follow when it's done with compassion when you know even when the parent is punishing them or disciplining them by grounding them or taking away their phone or whatever it is. It's coming from a place of love. They know that dependents are doing it because they love them, and they don't want them to stray.
And finally, finally, always, always ensure that your children know that you love.
It is really heartbreaking. There will be talk to youngsters who are rebellious. And you ask them you know your parents love you. They say I'm not sure. I'm not sure my parents did they were to America.
That is heartbreaking. And then you wonder why the child is not willing to follow the parents. Begin with love
with each with our spouses, whether it's with our parents, whether it's our children, ensure that the foundation of our relationship is love. Don't make parenting simply about the do's and don'ts. If you have a loving relationship with your children, inshallah, this will help them to grow in the right direction.
May Allah guide us all may forgive us all. They help us to be righteous, they help us to be good parents
will be real.
was the law
hamdu lillahi Wa Wa Salatu was Salam O Allah.
Allah Subhana, WA tada in many, many places in different houses for sale in Santa he one day, and in many places, he was living in Santa, that we remind children to treat their children to treat their parents well.
And in many of these verses, the word son is used to treat your parents in the best possible
way. I want to talk about the flip side of this and the way that this verse is often misused by parents. Usually, when we were discussing with young people why they left Islam or no longer practice Islam or southern eating Islam, for many of them, it boiled down to what we now label as spiritual abuse. What do you mean by spiritual abuse when their parents use Islam, to oppress the children?
You see, there's some people who have this misunderstanding, unfortunate misunderstanding is very common in our community. And that was understanding that children have to blindly obey their parents in everything.
And so some parents use this to emotionally blackmail their children. And they will tell their children, if you don't become a doctor, I would love you. If you don't marry this girl, you're not by sight. If you don't divorce your wife, then you're going to join them for disobeying your parents. We get parents who say this, and we have people come to us and see my father told me to divorce my wife, I'm supposed to obey my father, what must I do?
Usually, we have the spirit and what they do is be spiritually abused. They use Islam to oppress your children, they tell their children, if you don't obey me, you're going to join them. If you don't do what I say you are going to join them. And they use this to control everything of the adult lives, their adult children's life. So the child is now 2025 or 30. And the parents are still saying, Give me half of your money, work this job, live in that house, marry this person, and they are so controlling, and then the child goes astray that child and against an adult, not really a child, but for
The parents perspective, the childhood history and the coming of Lima change want to see what happened. You happen. You happen. You took Islam and you use it to oppress someone, obviously that's going to make that person hate you and meet Islam. Think about it. If your constant justification for oppressing someone is Islam, you're going to make that person hate Islam. And we see this in the husband and wife relationship as well, where the husband has a wife, if you don't obey me that
this is spiritual abuse. This is using Islam to oppress someone is using Islam to make someone blindly obey you. This is not Islam, you will never hear of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam, treating someone like this, or talking to someone like this, you won't hear about from the Muslims. It was not their methodology, to use Islam to get what they want. They would focus more on mid mid will allow us not only bringing up Khurana DS, when it's about somebody out to me, this is critical.
And so this much the children must blindly obey their parents needs to be addressed. The Quran says to have a sign with your parents, your son does not mean obedience, it means the best possible manners to be a good child in the best possible way to treat them in the best possible way does not always mean obedience. Sometimes it means obedience. Sometimes you may even be disobedience, your parents are telling you to do something wrong, then the best thing you can do for them is to say no and to try to stop them from doing it.
And so in other words, what are the elders that we have entrusted with people to take care of their parents, the mother carry them for hardship upon hardship for two years. So be grateful to me and to your parents.
And then Allah says, but if they asked you to do something, which is displeasing to Allah do not obey. This is a verse in the Quran was
not obedient. So anyone who has this much that is supposed to blindly obey your parents, your is a verse in the Quran, if they ask you to do something wrong.
But look at how beautiful, how beautiful it is love to get home, I was so happy when you
don't obey them, but look with them in the kindness in this world.
Meaning, if your parents tell you to do something wrong, you don't obey them, but you still be good.
You still treat them well, you still respect them, you still talk to them respectfully, but you don't listen to me that specifically. And so obedience to parents, there's three levels of it. Number one, if you are a child, living in your parents house, obey your parents, right? Simple as that. Once you grew up, and you move out and you move into your own home, now it becomes a matter of being reasonable. If your mother asked you, to help you buy the groceries, or buy the groceries, if your father says he's battling this month, he can't pay his rent, help me pay his rent. But if your mother tells you, I don't like your wife, I need to divorce her. She's never going to like your
wife, even if you divorce me something else. Right? Very often, this is the case that you have so many cases where parents think they can tell the husband to divorce his wife. And here's the thing, those parents who do this, nobody's ever good enough.
That's not a reasonable thing to obey your parents. If you know you're going to do well in life, if you become a psychiatrist or a counselor, and your parents are forcing you to become a IT professional, and you know nothing about it. You don't have to obey your parents in them. Right? If you know that you can reach your children better in another country. And your parents want you to live in this country simply because you see where everybody is. And you know, if you move this taken care of right? This is something else to think about. Then it's not easy to meet demand.
And in many other examples of this, I mean, everyday I think I get messages from people saying things like this, my father forcing me to be adopted. My foster father is forcing me to marry this girl, my father's forcing me to divorce my wife. Your parents cannot force you to
obedience to parents as adults, if we did reasonability they ask you for something reasonable, you obey Him, they ask you something unreasonable. If it is something that if that's not going to affect anybody else's life, you get reward for helping them out. So for example, Jesse, you will get the job offer in another country. But your parents want you to live in this country so you're close to them. It wouldn't be a sin to move to the other country. But if you choose to stay here to make your parents happy, you will be rewarded.
But now the it's causing harm to someone else. The parents are forcing someone to get divorced their parents are forcing someone you know, actually to cut off ties with somebody else. And this is another thing they do. The parents tell their children that you know what? I will talk to your uncle anymore. You're not allowed to talk to him or his for his children anymore. Firstly, breaking family ties the major sin, the parents can't force you to commit a major sin in these areas. No, no, we do not, we do not obey them. So remember, these three levels as a child always will be as an adult, if it's reasonable, you obey. If it's not reasonable, then you can do it in Sharla can get rewarded if
he's going to harm someone.
And finally, if they ask you to do something simple, like cutting family ties
that people don't obey did not obey your parents, the disobedience. And so we end with advice about parents and children, two children, the advice and exactly what the Quran said was no insight to be one day. We trust people to take care of their parents. Children, take care of your parents, be as a child, be good, be loving, be respectful, be obedient. And when you're grown, take care of them and treat them well. But to parents, we also give advice, raise your children to compassion, raise your children with love them, raise your children, to love Islam to love Allah. Think about whenever you see a new way it is going to make them love Islam is going to teach them to make from Islam,
understand that you represent Islam to children. And so if your representation is harsh, and cruel, and mean and unforgiving, that is going to be the perception of Islam. But if your representation is loving and merciful and sensible, and the laws make sense, that that's what they will give you Islam to be as well. And so as a parent, make sure you are the reason your child loves Islam, not the reason your child runs away from me I love guidance. We make us good parents may make us good children may help us to fulfill the rights of all of our family members. We help us fulfill the rights of our parents and our grandparents and our children and our spouses and our siblings and our
cousins. Be helpless to maintain family ties. And for those of us who have broken family ties, and those family ties and bring everybody's hearts back together, blah blah blah.
Which Kenai Baba subhana
wa salam O Allah, Allah subhana wa