Channel: Haleh Banani
Ramadan 2016 – Remedies for Your Marriage – 7
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Salam aleikum, welcome to Ramadan remedies for your marriage. It's a pleasure to have you tuning in again. inshallah I will be talking today here we go hope you can hear me better now, this melodic minor Rahim. I will be talking about conflict resolution today. And this is something that it is a skill that very few people have. It is a talent that everyone should possess if you are in any form of relationship in your life, whether you're married or not, whether you are interacting with your parents, with your co workers with friends, you need conflict resolution because no matter what people when they spend time together, they will end up
facing some difficulties having some differences of opinion or getting into a discussion or a fight. And if you don't know conflict resolution, then
small issues become blown out of proportion. I see this all the time where individuals will will have a small little fight and it could be resolved very easily. But because there's no conflict resolution, it gets out of hand and people start talking divorce so inshallah I'm waiting for more people to tune in inshallah and we will get started huh? A lot of money Rahim in then hamdulillah Nakamoto who in a stain you know who when I stuck fiddle when I was a biller him in and shoot ODM for Santa women say to Marlena May, Allah who fellow Mandala woman you follow her the Allah, why shadow and ilaha illallah wa shatta and now Mohammed and up to who what am I but
I want to start off by sharing with you a story. The first ever couples therapy that I did, and I was in my doing my internship at the VA hospital. And I remember being at my supervisors office, and she was taking a call from a lady who was you know, she was crying and I could hear I was hearing how, how worked up she was and when my supervisor got off the phone, she said that this is going to be your first couples therapy. These are the people who are going to be coming in I'm thinking to myself, Oh great. This lady is you know, she's freaking out on the phone. She's crying, she's yelling. So I did it with a co therapist. Now my co therapist, he was in his mid 40s he really
looked the part he had, he had the white beard he had the classes he was really looked apart. I on the other hand, I was in my early 20s. My head's up a female didn't look the part. And I was still learning. I was lurking. Okay.
So our session started. And there was lots of there's lots of crying. There was lots of yelling and screaming this couple. They were it was unreal, they were married for over 20 years. And I was feeling the stress. And so my co therapist was asking questions and and it just created a lot of tension. They were fighting and yelling and screaming. And meanwhile, I'm thinking to myself, I need to add value, I need to I need to say something I need to have an impact. And I could feel my my head was throbbing I couldn't wait to take an accident. I'm like, What have I gotten myself into this is gonna be tough, you know, being in a situation where people are just, they're fed up with
each other, they yelling, they're screaming, but the only thing I could keep reminding myself is I need to add value. That's so critical. And so towards the end of the therapy session, I turned to the lady who was in her mid 60s and I turned to her and I said, You know what? What did you like about your husband? Billy, What did you like about him? What was why did you marry him? And she went from crying and being really angry and frustrated to a giggly teenager. And she started you know, she was like, oh, Billy, you know, he's so cute. He is on the football team, and he is to take care of me and to walk me to my classes and she says she totally transformed. And then I looked over at
Billy and I said, Okay, and you know what, what made you marry? You know what made you marry your wife and he, he also became, he just he became like a teenager. It's like, Oh my gosh, she was like she was the most beautiful girl on campus. And anytime I saw her, I would just I would go crazy. And so there it is.
They're talking and reliving these memories and, and giggling. And at that point, my supervisor walked in, she walked in. And she's shocked because she remembered the phone call how everyone was really uptight. And she was, you know, she was ready to end it. And she came over and she's like, wait, what happened? What happened here? Am I go therapist said, well, Holly asked the right question. And that question being, you know, why did you? Why did you marry your spouse, and it got them to start reflecting on the positive traits, it started reflecting on why they even chose to get married. Because a lot of times, what happens is that people forget, they forget all the positive
qualities, and they might get into a fight. And all they can think about is, Oh, my God, this guy is so annoying. Oh, she's such a nice guy. Oh, my God, I can't stand when he talks like that. I can't stay there when she's on my case. And that's all they see. And sometimes, I will ask in couples therapy, I will say, you know, what is it that you, you know, what is it that you like about your spouse, and surprisingly enough, some people get stuck, they're stuck, they have nothing to say, because they have just been focused the entire time on all their spouses, negative traits, and sometimes, and I try to help them out, like, what about, you know, what kind of
parent they are, or how helpful they are around the house. And they really, they can't come up with anything, and I've had clients tell me, it's like, I really am stuck, I cannot come up with one positive thing. And I think it's sad when someone is,
is so negative they have, they have programmed their mind so much to only think about what's negative about their spouse, that they can even reflect they can even be fair in their evaluation. And I think that since all of us have shortcomings, since all of us have things that we would love, we would love for our shortcomings to be overlooked. So we need to do the same. So what, what I wanted to say is that research research states that it's not the absence of conflict, that leads to a good marriage, it's how the conflicts are resolved. So it's good news. Because if you have fights, it doesn't mean that your marriage is doomed. If you have differences of opinion, and you don't,
you're not on the same page, and you don't look at things in the same manner, it doesn't mean that you're doomed, it's just now learning how to resolve it so that it doesn't escalate. So I'm going to start off by talking about some of the characteristics of conflict resolution, I'm going to mention five of them, inshallah, they're actually 10. But since we have a limited amount of time, the 10 are covered in my marriage program and the five pillars of marriage. And I go into depth about each characteristics and how to apply it, but I just want to give you a little bit of a little taste. And hopefully, it'll give you the tools that you need to apply it immediately. So the first
characteristic is wisdom, wisdom, you know, if a person blurts out everything that they feel everything that they see, and they want to comment on it, and they're not reflecting on how this is, how this is affecting my spouse, how is how are they going to feel? And how is this going to affect our how's it going to affect our relationship, people are just blurting things out, this is really going to damage the relationship. If there is no wisdom in the way you present information in the way you try to resolve issues, then you are going to get into a lot of a lot of difficulties. And I find that wisdom is a characteristic that not everyone has and they can't be easily attained. It's
not just something that you know, you acquire after a certain number of degrees, or at a certain age, it's really a gift given from Allah. And Allah says,
In surah baqarah Ayah 269 yo attell Hc Mehta may Yesha woman, tell Hc modificado to Hyang Cathy Ra wehmeyer vacarro in all Al Bab, he gives wisdom to whom He wills and whoever has been given wisdom has certainly been given much good and none will remember except those of understanding so am I saying right here that it is a gift and you if you don't acquire it, then pray for it. Pray for it and i i know that in so many situations where
It's maybe a very challenging situation where I am faced with a huge decision or there is a, there is a marriage conference or there's actually a marriage counseling that is going on. And I, I pray for that hikma and I asked a lot, to put the words in my mouth that will affect their heart. One of my teachers taught me to make this straw which I always try to make consistently is y'all lot helped me to be the key that open up the hearts of the people. And I think that is really critical that we pray for that. And whether you're, whether you're a therapist or a speaker, or you're just you're dealing with your, your spouse at home, dealing with your kids, just always ask that a lot gives you
the wisdom to know how to deal with people. Now, what is the definition of wisdom, wisdom is knowing what to say? How to say it, when to say it. And, and that is as really critical is to think about the consequences and the feelings of others. Because sometimes you may say the right thing, but you don't present it in a nice way. Right? Because it's not what you say but it's how you say it. So you have to be really careful with the way you express yourself with how you get a message across. So that wisdom is critical. And a lot also says
in certain that Iowan 25 although Isla Sebelius erotic capital Hekmati, well Maori battle has Santa's
home the letter here, son in Rebecca Hua Lama, Bala savvy Li, Hua Hua Allah mobile mo Sadie that is saying, invite to the way of your Lord with wisdom and good instructions and argue with them in a way that it is best indeed your Lord is most knowing of who has strayed and his farmer his way and he is most knowing of who is rightly guided. Now, a lot of times we see this as
as just giving Dawa but in reality, anytime we are interacting with our with our spouse with our kids, it is it is a way of giving Dawa, we are calling them to be a better Muslim to. So this applies. And when we look at the idea of how you know Bill hickmott, right, auto Illa Sevilla Rebecca bill Hekmati. Well, now Is that so? Are we applying that? Are we using wisdom when we are arguing? Or is it just blurting out whatever comes to our mind, and just letting people have it? What I have seen and doing marriage counseling is that people generally just say what ever that comes in their mind, and and it could be so hurtful. Sometimes people will tell their spouse I you
know, I hate you, I can't stand you. Why did I Why did I even marry you, they will say some really hurtful things that that leaves scars. So we really have to be watchful, we have to be cautious with what we're saying. And to make sure that we're always
we're always aware that what we are saying is watched by Allah, right. And Allah sees when you are struggling to be good, if you have a challenging marriage, and you find it very difficult to deal with your spouse, and you're trying your best to be patient, you're trying your best not to get into a fight all the time. And if no one recognize it, if your staff member comes up to you and you go, you know, I really appreciate the fact that you keep it together, I really appreciate that you're so patient. Even if no one does that for you. You need to realize that Allah sees your struggle. Allah sees how hard you're working, how you're controlling your anger, you're swallowing your pride,
whatever it is, that the effort that you're making, is being rewarded. And that's so important to keep that in mind.
Okay, the second characteristics is emotional stability, emotional stability, I can talk for hours and hours about this topic, because it's so critical. You know, a lot of times we are, we are so explosive with our emotions. And what happens is that if we're not in charge, we are going to be we are going to be a slave to our emotions. And a lot of people tell me, well, I can't help it. This is how I feel. I get angry and I just blurt out whatever is in my mind, or I get angry and I you know, I hit the kids or I get angry and I break things. Well, we can go on like this. This is not a sign of a person who is in control, right? You become controlled by your emotions.
So we really need to learn how to be in charge, be emotionally in charge of what we say how we react. And this is a this is a big problem, not just for women, but for men as well, because sometimes men are explosive. And there might be domestic violence, there may be there, I had a client, just tell me about how when her father comes home, everyone is just just afraid, because he's such an angry person, he may lash out at anyone. And you don't want to be a person that everyone is afraid of, or everyone tries to avoid. You don't want to be a person that is seen as the crazy mom or the crazy wife who's always losing it right? You want to be seen as a person who has it
together. If we look at the example of Hades already, Alon ha, I've used her so many times, because I admire her emotional stability, how she had it so together, that's why she could be there for the Prophet salallahu alaihe salam. And if you look at the Prophet salallahu alaihe, Salam with all the challenges that he had, with all the tests and trials and the losses and everything that he went through in his life, he kept it together him breakdown, he didn't take it out on others, he was kind and loving to his family. So we need to have that as our example. And we need to, we need to have this like high standard for ourselves, that we don't fall beneath that, that we do not accept, to
act in a manner that is degrading to say hurtful words to do these things that could ruin our relationships, you know, right now, or in the month of Ramadan. And we are being so cautious about what we say what we do, we don't want to do anything that will, you know, nullify our fasting, we need to keep this up, and we need to apply it to our spouse, you know, the fasting of the tongue, the fasting of hurtful words, the fasting of cussing, the fasting, of saying things that are belittling this needs to go on throughout the year? Really, because when a person says something that is that is hurtful, or is it's either a criticism, or it's a ridicule, it's really hard to take
it back, it will damage the relationship. And no matter how many times you apologize, there's some remnants of it left. And I've talked to people and they'll say, Well, you know what, I? Yeah, I forgive them. But you know, he disrespected me, and it doesn't go away. It does not go away. So we need to really be careful about that. And if we look at the, if we look at the rewards that we get for being forgiving, for being the bigger person, it really does pay off. I know that sometimes it's hard. It's hard to be the one who's mature, the one who apologizes the one who's making all the effort, but you know what, you are scoring without law you are you are gaining status with a lot and
that should really be a source of inspiration and motivation. Allah says I Latina young people NFS sobre la he won't bother Ah, you will come to me, you know, I either well, Archie nine in law who your Hipple masani. And those who spend in the cause of a lot during ease and hardship, and who restrain anger and who pardon the people and Allah loves the tour of good. So this is this is like a recipe for us that these are the people love loves is that if you are able to forgive if you're able to do good and you overlook, and this is saying that Allah will love you. And we all want to be loved by Allah, we try so hard to be loved by our peers, by our family members, by our friends, by
our spouse, by our kids, we strive so hard but really, no love compares to the love of earning the love of Allah. When your whole focus is I want to live in a way that will be pleasing to Allah, that will be the most amazing thing because once you earn his love, and you earn that closeness, the serenity that is in your heart, the doors that are answered immediately the the path that has opened up for you, these are all rewards for someone who is loved by a law
and the third cares, the characteristic is respect. We really need to treat each other with the ultimate amount of respect. We need to
deal with our spouse in a way that we would we would deal with them in public. A lot of times people put on a great show. They put on a great show for the public when they're having a dinner party. They will be all nice and courteous to each other but as
Send us the people leave, they're cutting each other up. And this is a really sad situation that we're in, that you cannot put on this, you cannot put on a show for others, and then lead a very destructive life at home. So always deal with your spouse with respect. And what because once that curtain of respect this torn down, I mean, I do sessions with, with individuals who have crossed that boundary they have, they have transgressed, they have said hurtful mean things to their spouse. And, you know, regardless of how much they apologize, it's still affecting them. And the best the rule of thumb, the rule of thumb, and the best rule to follow is not to say things that are that are
hurtful, you know, that's the example of the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that he either said something nice, or he stayed quiet. So if you have nothing nice to say about your spouse, then it's best to stay quiet. Sometimes in the therapy session when we are doing the part about you know, what do I love about you? You know, personal be like, Well, yeah, I, I love the fact that they're very productive. But I really can't stand it when they're always nagging at me, and they just immediately detour to the negative thing that my way, my way, my way, we're just, we're talking only about the positive right now. But that is people's default, they are ready to go down
that path to chew out their spouse to talk about their negative traits. So we really need to make sure that we're dealing with our spouse with respect, and that means no yelling, no name, calling, no criticism, no blaming, no rude behavior, all of these things, you know, I, I gave this to a couple in, in Saudi, and the husband was overwhelmed by it. And the following week, he's like, sr, I had this list in front of me. And all I could think about was how difficult it is to follow these, and how I wish I have this rule, I have this rule of communication early on in my marriage, so I wouldn't have damaged my marriage so much. Now. And it's it's really sad that people are doing this
to one another, they're cheering each other on one sister that I was doing. therapy with, I was doing marriage counseling. She said, You know, I just, I just don't want him to cuss at me. You know, it's so hurtful. When he says these words to me, I feel like it's like a dagger in my heart.
And, you know, it's just, it's so easy to blurt things out. But it leaves such a long lasting damage. So, sisters, Be really careful, don't disrespect your husband Don't say things that will be a blow to his ego. You know, the male ego is very, very sensitive, you need to stroke it, you can't say things that I can't challenge him, you can't be little him You can't say things that will that will crush him, right. And brothers, you need to know that your wife needs to hear sweet, gentle words. If you're constantly just nitpicking and criticizing and what you didn't do this, and you didn't do that, and you're never showing words of appreciation or loving words to them, then the
unit, you couldn't have shut them down, they're not going to be respect, they're responsive, and they're not going to be respectful. So respect is something that it needs to be earned. Right? You can't just demand to be respected. Because if you're not acting in a respectable manner, you're not going to be respected. So it's always important to make sure that you are displaying that, that respect. And the next one is God consciousness, being God conscious. So
it's about knowing that you are, you are accountable, you are accountable. Allah is watching you, Allah is seeing everything that you do. And and that should make us be really, really careful. Now, a lot of times people have this mentality, like behind closed doors, I can do anything and become a monster. You know, I actually had a client this brother said, you know, because I don't be fooled by how nice I am. I am like I have a Jekyll and Hyde personality. I was like, Okay, thank you for being honest and being upfront. And it's just sad that people can just accept that about themselves. And I know that there are personality disorders. I know that people struggle it's a real issue. But you
work on it, work on your personality disorder get help do something about it, you cannot just have
behavioral outbursts and expect everyone to be okay with it, no one's going to be okay with it. You're just going to burn bridges, and you're going to ruin your relationship. So it's really critical to always be aware that, you know, just because no one can see us, the public can't see us, doesn't mean that a lot doesn't see us. So behind closed door means absolutely nothing, right, because we have surveillance cameras, recording everything that we say and do, the way you're oppressing your spouse, the way whether you're male or female, there's a lot of oppression that's going on, a lot of men are oppressed. Surprisingly, I know that many people won't believe that they
just think that the men are the oppressors. You know, there are there are a good number of men that are oppressors. But there are also women who are oppressing their husbands. And so we need to be aware that Allah sees all of this oppression sees all the transgression, and we're going to have to answer for it. So right now, in the month of Ramadan, it's the best time for us to make Toba. I don't want you to feel hopeless, it's not about being hopeless. If you have, you know, taken part in all these things I'm telling you not to do, and you don't have any of the characteristics I'm telling you to have. It's okay. Because it's about learning, it's about changing, it's about
becoming a better person. So sometimes, you know, I, I had a friend of mine actually telling me that when she watches these, she just she's like, I want to just kick myself because I wish I knew this, I wish that I had learned this lecture, I wish I knew this had the skills. So that 20 years ago, excuse me, when I got married, I would have applied it. Now her daughter watches it, and she is so enthusiastic. She's not married yet. And I say that, for those individuals who are not yet married, this is a perfect time to learn the skills. I just had a brother today that I was talking to, he felt that all he needs to do is get married, and all his problems are going to be solved. And I
said, Well, I mean, that's great, I'm so happy to hear that optimistic view. But I said, You know, I gotta ask your therapist, I need to do a kind of a reality check. Because, you know, there's, there's a lot that you have to know about having a good relationship, your wife is not just going to be a piece of cake, right? We are emotional beings, we have a lot of,
we have a lot of needs, and we have a lot of expectations. And, and if you do not learn how to meet those needs, then there's going to be a really disgruntled wife at home. So it's really important to learn how to win your husband's heart, how to win your wife's heart and know how to resolve conflict, how even after like before you get married. Now, if you're already in a marriage, and you want to work out it, definitely you can make changes. Right. And the last. Last one is empathy. You have to have empathy. If you don't understand, if you don't show that you understand, then your spouse is going to feel disconnected. So always make an effort to understand your spouse show
concern, you know, a lot of the complaints that I get from couples that you know what I just, I don't feel like my, like, my husband cares. He says, He never asks about me, He never says, you know, he doesn't inquire about my day doesn't ask about my feelings or about things that I'm that I'm involved with my hobbies, my interests. And you know that my husband will say the same thing that is like, you know, I spent 10 hours at work and he just never gives me he never asks me any, any deep questions. It's just like, how's your day? You know, we got to do better than that. Sisters, we got to like find out, connect with your spouse, find out what it is, what is it that
they do if they're a physician asked specifically, about you know about the patients that they have the challenges, has a businessman talk about the new the business that they're setting up, what it entails, how you can support them emotionally, maybe you can go in, put in some effort, you have to connect, you have to be empathetic. Now, I want to take a few minutes and just share with you so this was like five of the characteristics. Like I said, there are 10 and I really encourage you if you haven't done so yet to look at the five pillars of marriage as online marriage program, you can do this at home. And, and it really will change the way that you view your marriage. It will give
you the tools that you need to overcome a lot of these obstacles. There's a whole pillar, right there's a whole pillar pillar number four, which is on conflict resolution. pillar one is on self defense.
And it's all about like working on yourself making yourself better. pillar two is on friendship, how do you build this friendship? And then pillar three is on spirituality? Like how does how does your relationship with a lot affects your relationship with your spouse, and I put these in order, it's for a psychological reason, because first you start from with yourself, okay? It's like I was telling the brother today, like, you know, work on yourself, don't expect to get married, because he expected to get married and have his wife fix them, I'm like, your wife is most likely not going to be a psychologist, trained psychologist who can help you. And if she is, she wouldn't want to do
that with her spouse, you need to work on yourself, you need to fix whatever issues you have emotionally, and then get married and come in with something ready to give not okay, I'm, I'm broken, fix me, no one would appreciate that. So it's about working on yourself, then developing that closeness, that friendship. And then, and then that relationship with Allah is, you know what I was talking about that God consciousness, when you have that in your marriage, then you will be in, you will steer clear from all the head on things, you will steer clear of all the things that will make you oppress your spouse, because you know, you very well know that you're going to have to
account for this, it's those moments when you somehow convince yourself and you justify yourself that as long as my spouse's and find out, I'm good, I'm fine. You know, as just as long as the wife doesn't find out or as long as my husband doesn't find, but you know what, we have a bigger issue, okay, you may get away with it, you may get away with with it in front of your husband or your wife, but in reality is you're never going to get away with it with a law so that your relationship with Allah. so critical, pillar four is conflict resolution, which I go in depth about how to solve problems, how to have the characteristics, the timing, how to go about it, what to do, if you get
into a fight, how to avoid a fight, and all of these techniques that will really equip you, when you deal with the inevitable problems, inevitable problems that will arise. And I have seen transformation, I've seen people in my office, apply these skills, and they go from bickering and fighting and chewing each other out to having a loving relationship where they look forward to spending time together would not be wonderful, wouldn't it be great to look forward to spending time with your spouse rather than dreading it, it takes education, it takes learning these skills. And the fifth one is an intimacy. And I put it last for a reason. Because you have to, you know, you
have to be good, you have to feel good about yourself, whether it's your self esteem your body, emotionally, you have to be in a good place, then you have to have that emotional connection, you have to think about a lot in your life, and have your issues resolved. And that way you can have that closest you can open up to your spouse, and be intimate, because if those things are not addressed, you can't just jump to number five, if all of these issues are not addressed. And a lot of people do that, unfortunately. And I just had a sister Tommy is like, you know, if we just had a fight in the morning, and I was hurt, and I was crying, how does he expect me to you know, how does
he expect me to get intimate? In the evening, I am really hurt and sad. And my problem is not resolved and and there was no emotional deposit. So it's really important to do this. So, inshallah, if you go to get five pillars of marriage.com, then you can you can benefit from this. I'm going to open it up to questions. If you have any questions regarding the topic about conflict resolution, I will be happy. I will be happy to answer them. Someone has said at the end of this lecture, can you recap these characteristics? Sure. So the first one was wisdom that you need to have wisdom and it's not something that you acquire through degrees. You could have a double PhD and have zero hikma, you
could be 75 with zero hikma. So, wisdom is something that is given by a life you don't have it, pray for it. We have emotional stability, then there is respect, God consciousness and empathy. All right. So are there some questions that that need to be addressed?
Okay, how do you deal with constructive criticism? That's a good question. Because obviously when when we are in any kind of relationship, we want to get that positive feedback and we want we want to help our spouse let's say
Make Improvements be a better person. But a lot of times people get into this like criticizing mode with the intention of constructive criticism, but it actually ends up just being like chewing the person out. So we have to be really careful in how we approach it. Because not really like it's not just what you say, but how you say it. So you need to show kindness you need to be, you need to be humble, it's not about being self righteous, a lot of a lot of couples, what I find is that one person will feel like they're superior, I made, they're more knowledgeable, I'm more religious, I'm going to set you straight, you're wrong, I'm right, and you got to do it my way. Right? And that
that mentality is not going to be that's not constructive. So if you come from a position of being loving, and you use humility, and you use wisdom, then you can encourage your spouse and, and without even criticizing could say,
you know, I really, I really missed the way he used to like, dress up for me, I love it. When you take me out, I love it. When I receive calls from you. Remember the time we went on that trip together and how great it was how we bonded. So you are getting your message across without it being like you never take me anywhere. I'm so sick of this, you know, it doesn't become an attack. So it's, it's constructive in that you are complementing and asking for your need at the same time.
Any other questions?
Somebody said that they haven't heard in a long time.
Okay, someone said they haven't heard kind words, for a long time. It's, it's sad that a lot of times people become stingy with their words, you know, because it's so easy it is it's so easy to win someone's heart over. Honestly, it doesn't take it does not take money doesn't take effort I have to do is open up your mouth and say sweet words, right? And and you get so many rewards, and you build a person self esteem, you make them feel secure. And you know, for those of you who may not have an expressive spouse, I really recommend and like maybe like they're really good, maybe they're, you know, honest, hard working, they're loyal to have these good characteristic, but
they're just not very expressive. I really recommend that you surround yourself with friends, with family with individuals that can maybe compensate for that because you do need to hear and obviously, it's best when you hear it from your spouse, but if they have some kind of a shortcoming in that department, if they are verbally challenge in the sense that they can express themselves then you need to surround yourself with positivity inshallah.
Okay, my spouse likes to give me constructive criticism, I don't know how I should respond to that. So that positively, when I am hurt by things, he says, okay, so your husband is very much into I'm gonna fix you, right, that constructive criticism, and you don't know how to respond positively because you're hurt by it. And that's why, you know, brothers, it's really important that we keep in mind our, you know, our spouse's feelings. And, you know, for wives as well, sometimes wives can be really cruel and say, you know, what, I this one, one client told me that his wife said, you know, you better lose the weight, or I'm going to divorce you. And that's just so harsh. It's so mean, by
it. I mean, you have to feel that you're valued for more than just your physique, right? You got to and so you have to
use an approach that will soften the person's heart that they will actually want to do it. It's, you know, for those of you who let's say, you work, imagine your employer coming up and just, you know, just criticizing you and, and how, how bad you work and how you need to change this and you need to change that. So
is that going to really motivate you to be a better person, rather than coming up to you and saying, you know, what, I really like let's say, I like the fact that you're punctual. I think that you, you are very, let's say hardworking, but I find that in your interaction, you're a little bit abrupt with the clients and I really would like for you to
adjust that. Now. When you hear it that way. You feel like this person is fair. They see that you're
good qualities, they're trying to make you a better person. And then they give you kind of an incentive. It's like, you know, what if you, if you build that rapport with your clients, then you're gonna, you're gonna be able to sell more. And that's going to mean you're going to get like the bonus at the end it just there's like this incentive. So we need to be smart and how we approach
when one is feeling not respected or appreciated by by your spouse, and yet he or she is demanding intimacy, what is one supposed to do?
To build to build that intimate bond with them? Okay. All right. So
how to build the bond in order to be intimate? You know, that? That's a really good question. And, and I think a lot of men get puzzled by that, that
they get puzzled by the fact that it's like, okay, I don't understand why my wife doesn't want to get intimate and, you know, y'all talk to the wife is like, well, I can't even believe that he would think that I would want to because, you know, he, he was yelling at me, he hurt my feelings. He didn't help me with the kids, I have all these chores, I'm exhausted. So the way to deal with that is to try to be there, like make emotional deposits, try to be there for your spouse, be loving, be helpful. give a helping hand. That way, if you have kids get involved with the kids, if you can help out with the chores, all of this will make your spouse feel loved. And when they feel loved, they're
going to open up to you.
My husband, is to take advantage of it. And I heard from him, he gets so tired.
Okay, so the sister is saying that her husband is very nice, that's good to hear. I don't hear that as often as I would like to hear. So he's so nice, that he gets taken advantage of and so you know, she hurts for her husband who gets taken advantage of, you know,
I think it's important to always live a balanced lifestyle, right, you need to be balanced, where you're not totally disconnected from people. And you're not like just sacrificing yourself and forgetting about, about yourself and your family. And that everything and everyone has its hack has its
do writes. And I think part of the reason that the the wife hurts, which I just the other day had a client
be very frustrated from her husband, for being taken advantage of by by his parents, is that they feel that they give so much to other people that they are left drained. And in a sense, they are not getting their rights. And I am not sure if this is the case with you, sister, but I know that many times, it is that feeling of Okay, he's given so much he doesn't have much, much left. And I think when a person thinks about all their relationships and how they need to give everyone their rights, then you're more careful about spreading yourself too thin, then you realize, you know, what, if I do this, this and this, I'm not going to have any energy left for for my own, you know, for my
spouse and kids. And I think he also needs to, to learn how to say no, because that's a very tough thing to do when when a person is giving and they're altruistic. It takes a lot to say, you know what, no, I'm not going to help out. I'm not going to volunteer. But sometimes it's critical. You have to say no to certain things in order to say yes to those things that really matter.
How do you stop the interference of narcissistic parents?
Okay, how do you deal with a narcissistic manipulative parents who are trying to interfere with with the marriage, right? That's a tough one. I mean, narcissistic personality is very difficult to deal with because they will never ever think that they are. They are wrong. I think in dealing with parents and I have a whole section actually. that deals with in laws I have, you know, Omar Suleiman and hamdulillah did and one our exclusive video is a bonus video and he talks about rights and obligations of the husband and wife and he also addresses the the fifth of the with the in laws and gives a wonderful answer.
Amazing advice on that. And I also have like four videos for bonus videos that talks about in laws. So, you know, it's a lot to get into right now. But you have to like what I said that first characteristic wisdom, right? You have to use a lot of wisdom. You cannot confront your, your in laws, you can try to set them straight. Even even if you have, let's say, a mother, or father in law, who seems really cool and very young is like, Look, I don't want you to, I don't want you to get
I don't want you to be upset. Share with me, tell me if you're mad, tell me I want to hear it. Don't buy it.
Don't buy it. Tell your spouse, that your spouse deal with their parents, because what's going to happen is that you're going to tell them, oh, this really upset me, why did you do this, you know, I told you not to do this. And then suddenly, you're going to feel hurt, you're going to feel disrespected, or they're going to feel heard and disrespected. So
it's really important to treat them with respect, you're going to have to establish some boundaries, but your spouse has to put the boundaries you can get, you can interfere. Now, if they're interfering, it is up to the spouse that whose parents are interfering to draw, you know, a very respectful line. And, and and, you know, again, it takes wisdom to keep your spouse and your parents happy simultaneously. But, you know, if you give it the time and effort, then it'll be really fruitful. Okay, so
any other questions?
Okay, all right. So what one of the things like you know, with conflict resolution, there's so many things that lead to conflict, whether it's like in laws and laws is a big one, I know a lot of people, whether you're living together, or it's about the children, or just here's resolving basic everyday problems, I find that people really get stuck. And that's why it's, it's so important. Get the information you need, learn it step by step, you know, we, we spend time and money and learning so many things, but somehow when it comes to marriage, which is kind of like, we just kind of accept things as they are and we're just like, Oh, well, I'm going to sorry, marriage, oh, well, you know,
I I'm gonna live lonely all my life and, or I'm,
there's always going to be fighting, it doesn't have to be that way. I've seen marriages really transform with the proper education with the proper motivation, they start making those changes. And if you know, if you're not even married yet, this is this is the best opportunity to start gaining that knowledge. So you've worked on yourself, and then you go in, it's kind of like with this amazing Deluxe toolkit, where anything that you face you're going to have, you're going to have the tool to deal with it. And so, you know, I really encourage you, you can sign up for my free marriage videos, which are on five pillars of marriage.com. And if you're interested in getting the actual
program, if you get it now you can get started immediately. And it's there as the Getting Started video that tells you all about how it how it works, how you need to see it one pillar at a time, and that it builds the information built and they're like short videos, gives you summary, give you exercises, and so, you know, don't feel hopeless. If and if you feel like you know, what, what's the point? Oh, I've tried this so many times, a lot of people tell me I've, I've done I've done this so many times, I've never tried this, you have never worked with me, I've never done this program. So you can just rule things out, give it a try work on work on your marriage, because you know, like I
said, we're going to be held accountable. It's really easy for people to just pull out that divorce card and and just get out. But you know what, whatever issues you're having in this marriage right now, if you don't resolve it, it's going to come back and haunt you. You go in another relationship right now you're maybe in the honeymoon stage and you think, Oh, this person this person is so different. I'm so amazed by them. But guess what, as time passes, you're going to have some similar issues. So it's so critical to get your issues address understand what went wrong and and really work at it, work at it and you'll see that you will you'll start seeing results inshallah.
Okay, so the question is, if you are doing your best to respect your spouse, but they still feel this way
spectra do the due to their own issues. What do you do? Okay, first question I want to pose is, is that have you asked your spouse how they want to be respected? Because, you know, this is the most common mistake is that a spouse will feel like, okay, I am showing respect to my spouse, because this is my set of criteria, this is what I'm doing, and I'm being respectful. So I don't know what his deal is, right? And many times when I have the spouse, like spell it out, it's like, okay, and and many men will say, I want to be respected, okay, but how behaviourally? What does your spouse need to do in order to show that respect, and what they will say is that, then they start
specifying, and they'll say, Oh, you know, I want, I want to be listened to, I want my opinion to count, I want my food to be ready, I want, I want you to speak nicely about my parents, whatever it is, those those are the criteria. And if you are doing your set of criteria, maybe in your home, you had a set of set of behaviors that demonstrated respect, and you're doing all of those, so you feel like I've covered my bases, I don't know what his deal is, because I'm showing respect, according to my, to my guidelines, but if you haven't asked your spouse and, and maybe that one thing, you know, and it could be so minor, it's amazing how like that one thing that you may do, that will make your
spouse feel disrespected, maybe it's like a ruling of the island.
And that makes them feel like this respect that and you do all the other things, then you
it will really affect the relationship. Now, going back to what I said, as far as like, let's say, pillar one, self development, we do have to work on ourselves. If we have issues that are unresolved, don't expect your spouse to be the cure all.
Continuously, whether that's before marriage, during marriage, you know, after a divorce, whatever it is, you have to continuously work on yourself. And if you know if that spouse took the time to see, you know, what, what's, what is going on within me, why do I have this shortcoming? Why do I sometimes feel depressed? Why do I have these bursts of anger? Where does that come from? And you get into that by doing by doing therapy, we delve in, like I delve in with my clients and I and I find out from them, what happened? Why are they at this stage, I don't just treat the symptoms, I go in and find out and that's how they can overcome. So I also do you know, Skype therapy sessions, and
it's holla banani.com. And I also have a young therapist, very bright Sarah Sultan, she's also doing sessions on the on my website. So his highlights holep unani.com. You can do Skype therapy sessions, sometimes within three or four sessions, you will the majority of people will have many of their issues resolved. Now if it's if it's a more complicated issue, it may take longer, but I really highly recommend that you address your concerns deal with the skeletons in the closet, don't just wait for your spouse to cure you because they're not going to have a clue they're dealing with their own skeletons. Right? What tips do you have to bite your tongue in an argument? What if I want to
express my point, but I can't because if I try it gets dismissed? Do I just say it later? Okay. So the technique for biting your tongue. It's trying to do a car, try to you know, do the alphabet lame and I shaitana regime has you know, the shaytan really loves when we get frustrated with our spouse. It's basically it's just we'll come to you and say, Oh my god, I can't believe it did that. Oh my god, that was so annoying. Oh, she said that again. No way I am fed up. You know, it's just like, just saying it over and over and over again until you are just you know, you're you're fed up. And so you need to make sure that you're aware of this, you're, you're aware that your enemy is trying
to like, pull you down and drown you and the way drowns you by just being so angry and like frustrated with your spouse. So that you say something that is mean or rude. So, try your best to you know, keep the shaytaan away. Do your F Cod, right? Remember, you know, while us in that in Santa Fe rehearse in LA Latina and Ave huami lasala heart What's our So Bill happy with our service sub, that you have to be reminding yourself and others about the truth and about
Patience. I remember I was at the masjid once in Houston and a sister was crying in the in the bathroom and I suppose you know what's wrong sister What's going on? It's like, I just got into a fight with my husband on our way here. And I'm really fed up and I can't wait to just let him have it. And, you know, it's just so worked up and I said, you know what I just reminded her of that I'm like, you know, sir, be patient. Be patient, because all you know, you're being tested right now. Shaytan is pressing your button, are you going to? Are you going to follow what he says? And so she, you know, she cheered up. And then the following day was it was some kind of a intensive Islamic
program that I was doing. And so the following day, I saw her and she gave me a big hug. And she had a gift for me. And she's like, thank you so much, sister. The fact that you reminded me to be patient, I sat in the car, I bit my tongue, as you said, Did my tongue I just remember that I need to be patient, and I need to overlook it. Because and, and everything went great. And then we just we had a good, you know, we had a good ride back and everything went smoothly. So we need to, we need to remember that.
We need to remember that we can't just be reactionary. We have to think through our responses. And, and realize that and what you say you can never take back. So that in itself, I think makes us to kind of slow down not to blurt things out.
Cancer another question. I can't see the top part.
The person prays for practicing. If If a person prays for practicing Muslim as a spouse that gets the opposite. not practicing. Does this mean Allah rejected their prayer?
Okay, so let's say a person is praying has prayed for a righteous, loveable spouse and they only got the lovable part but not the righteous. Well, no, we
we do get tested in every area of our life and I think
not lovable. Okay. They're not lovable. not lovable and not righteous.
She feels she feels rejected.
Okay, okay, sorry, I misunderstood. Okay. So she feels rejected because her daughter was not answered. She asked for lovable and righteous, but she didn't get either one. Well, the thing is that when we make draw, we have to realize that they're answered in one of three ways. Either your, your draw his answer, okay? That's the most obvious way to a harm is removed from your path. Okay.
And then all three, Allah is saving the straw for when you really need it. When you're walking, when you're crossing that Surat, and it's slippery, and you have to Hana men, and you are struggling to to make it to Jenna, that he's saving it for that. So if your job is not answer them dystonia, don't be disheartened. Don't feel that, oh, Allah doesn't love you. Because sometimes we pray for things. And we get the opposite because that is the remedy. Right? And I was telling a friend of mine recently that sometimes Allah puts difficult people in your life, because they are the cure, they are the cure to your diseases of the heart. Right? And, and a lot of times when I work with clients
that have marital issues, and they're very frustrated, like, Oh, my husband is so mean, and he's so cranky, and he's, you know, whatever it is that they're complaining about, or the husband is saying, Oh, my wife is like, so insecure. She's so possessive. She doesn't let me breathe. I asked them, you know, what, what's, what is it that you can learn from this? What have you, but how have you benefited? Or what can you learn? And you know, they start saying that, you know, maybe maybe it's the fact that they learned humility, maybe they learned patience, whatever it is, just recognize that Allah chose this individual as a way of maybe curing you or teaching you through them. Okay. We
have one minute left. Is there any Are there any other questions?
Why do men take respect as they're gone? They respect
as their God given rights.
Why? Should be earned? You agree? Okay.
That's my husband in the background.
All right. Why do men take respect as their God given? Right? Okay.
Obviously, we do have to respect our spouses right there is, you know, there is a data set there is a lot does expect us to show that mutual love and that mutual respect. And definitely, I think it's important for men to men and women to realize that respect is something that is earned, that it is not so you can demand that and the more respectful you act, the more respect that you earn, and that you get, and it's like, if you just think of two employers, one who just goes around yelling at people and saying, you know, you need to respect me you need to respect me, you know, you need to talk nicely to me versus another employer who is just so incredibly impressive and is a humanitarian
and is gracious and charming, and that automatically people are going to be respectful. So we need to really recognize that we can take action to to be more respected by the way by acting respectfully does like a love affair for tuning into Ramadan remedies. Join me on Thursday at 4pm
central standard time and we will do a next session the completion of this inshallah, just like Lochhead Salaam Alaikum.