Channel: Haleh Banani
Ramadan 2016 – Remedies for Your Marriage – EP 5 – Healthy Marriages vs. Unhealthy Marriages
June 21, 2016
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Welcome to Ramadan remedies for your marriage. I'm so happy that you're tuning in. Today I'm going to share with you some
actually it's about having healthy relationship versus having unhealthy relationship. What have you wrote in and you asked for me to expand on it, I heard you and I want to address it the spela Hunter Hunter Rahim in Alhamdulillah Nakamoto who in Astana, who when I stuck through when I was a biller, he managed sruti and phocoena women's tiama and Anna mainiac Diller who follow more the Lula one minute little fella, howdy, Allah, why Chateau en la ilaha illAllah, WA, Shahada, and now Mohammed and up to Who Am I bad?
So once again, welcome.
We're going to be discussing the difference between having a healthy marriage and an unhealthy marriage, someone had asked me to specify what are some of the characteristics of a unhealthy relationship, and I base this, on the past 20 years, I've been doing marriage counseling with people from around the world, and what I have seen as the top 10, unhealthy behaviors in a relationship, and the top 10 healthy behaviors in a relationship. So today, I think I'm going to only have time to cover five, five healthy relationship tips, and also five unhealthy relationship characteristics. And then on Thursday, inshallah, at four o'clock again, I will complete, I will complete the healthy
versus unhealthy relationship. So
it's really important to be able to diagnose to self diagnose your relationship, just like if you start having certain symptoms within an illness, and you start having a fever, you may have coughing, you need to know that these are signs of an illness. And I think in the same way, we need to be aware of certain symptoms in our marriage to see whether it's healthy or not. Many times I have clients come into therapy, and they're not sure they asked me I don't know if I'm in a healthy relationship or not. And we need to be aware of these symptoms in order to address the problems at hand to see whether we need to make improvements whether we need to make changes. And whether it's
even a healthy situation to stay in or not. That's a really critical question to ask. So some of the signs of an unhealthy
as a sign of an unhealthy marriage is number one is there is fear involved, okay. And that could be fear of safety, where you could have an individual, I had a client who had a temper, and so anytime he got angry, his wife would get so scared that he might, he might yell and scream, and he might even get physical. So if you're ever in fear of your safety, this is a very unhealthy situation to be in. So you could either fear your safety, or you could fear an emotional outburst. And this happens with a lot of men, where they are so worried about their wife's reaction. And many women may use drama and explosive anger as a way to manipulate their husbands. So, if you find that you are
walking on eggshells, where you are afraid of bringing up a topic because now my you know, my wife is going to explode, or she's going to give me a hard time, then that's not a healthy situation to be in. So number one is fear, for your safety and fear for an emotional outburst. Number two is about physical abuse. A sign of an unhealthy relationship is physical abuse. This is something that should not be tolerated. I have seen in my practice and amongst people in the community. When someone goes through physical abuse, then it definitely causes so much trauma. I had one client that called in who, who indicated that she had been a victim of physical abuse for seven years. And this
caused her so much trauma, she would wake up every night, even though she had gotten a divorce. She would wake up every night with this horror, and she would have a panic attack because it left a lot of scars and it really traumatized her and her children. So if there's any physical abuse going on, you really need to reevaluate your
situation. And you have to be concerned for your safety and the safety of your children. I know that many women will tell me that they're staying in the relationship because of their kids. But they don't realize the kind of stress and trauma that it creates for their kids when they are in an abusive relationship. I had 115 year old who told me that she has to stand between her her mom and her dad so that she doesn't get hurt that the mom doesn't get hurt from the Father. And this is no way to be living, you cannot put your kids under this kind of stress and turmoil. The third sign of an unhealthy relationship is verbal and emotional abuse. This verbal and emotional abuse is very,
it's rampant, it's very common. And what we don't realize is the damaging scars that it leaves, on the on your spouse and on the children. So if you start seeing that you're constantly being belittled, if there is this emotional abuse, then you really need to address this because it will erode your relationship, and it will have a lasting effect on yourself and on your kids. Number four is possessiveness and control. And this can be either by men or women, I have seen individuals
being very possessive over their spouse, maybe not allowing them to meet up with friends, not allowing them to meet with family members. And sometimes when the spouse is abusive, what they try to do is cut their spouse off from any sort of support, no emotional support, no financial support, that way, they're in full control of their spouse. So you have to be really weary of that when you start seeing that your spouse. And sometimes it happens in the engagement period, I had one sister, who had just she just embraced Islam, and she had a brother who was so possessive of her would not allow her to even attend. If stars not attend, maybe even going to the masjid because it was a mix
setting. And this kind of possessiveness, this kind of control is a it's a red flag, it is a red flag, because why is this person trying to cut you off from everyone. And so that's something to look out for a possessiveness. And it could also be this kind of possessiveness, sometimes some sisters have over their husbands, where they don't want them to get involved. They don't want them to maybe travel or be involved in the community. And this prevents them from moving ahead in their work. And in their in their community. And this is, this causes a lot of resentment. Anytime you prevent a person from reaching their full potential, when you're trying to, you actually are
suffocating them. And what happens eventually is that the person is either going to be filled with resentment, or they're going to want to break free. Now I had a friend of mine who had that possessive nature, she was very possessive over her husband. And what happened is that eventually, the relationship ended because she was excessively possessive. So we really have to give breathing space for our spouse, we need to be aware of that if we have a tendency to be possessive. If we don't want them to be with their families, a lot of times I find that some sisters, they want to cut their spouse from all the family member and this can really lead to a lot of problems within the
family life. So be a source be a unifying force. That is my motto is to be a unifying force, be the reason why his family come over, you invite them you give gift to them, and you make them feel welcome. And when you do that, then the amount of Baraka that you will have in your marriage and the amount of love and respect that that will earn you will be amazing, rather than trying to always keep your husband just for yourself. And it could be the other way around where you might be possessive of your wife and not allow her to go freely and do the things she wants to do a meet up with the people that she wants to meet. And this is this is going to make her feel like she is
stifled that she's not able to flourish and and to be happy within the marriage. So possessiveness and control.
Okay, and the fifth one is having a lack of trust and respect. This is really big and I think one of the number one reasons that people come into therapy because
Trust has been broken. Now trust can be broken in a number of ways, right? The first thing that comes to mind when we think of trust being broken is infidelity. And sadly enough that this is so common amongst practicing Muslim couples is so sad, but it is a reality that it happens. So we need to be aware of it. And we need to safeguard our relationships from this. Because just because you are, you're in a hot tub and your husband is practicing your pray at the mosque. And you're, you know, upholding all of the pillars of Islam doesn't mean that you are immune to falling into infidelity. I see it on a daily basis. So just be aware of that. And once that happens, once an act
of infidelity has been committed, once a spouse finds out that their husband or their wife has been having this side relationship, whether that's that's emotional infidelity, where you're just chatting with someone and connecting with them on an emotional level, or it's a physical relationship, both are very harmful to the relationship both really take the trust away. And it's so difficult to build that trust up again. So it could be an act of infidelity. Or it could be that you're just not keeping your promises, that you're not keeping your promises. And your spouse starts to not believe what you're saying. And I had a young couple who came in? And they said, Yes, we have
trust issues. So immediately, I thought there might be infidelity said there was no infidelity is just that my wife doesn't believe me doesn't trust me, because I'm not keeping my promises. I say I'm coming home, but I don't show up at that time I tell her, I'm going to take her somewhere, and I don't. And all of these things, it piles up, you may see it as a simple thing, that it's not a big deal. Oh, so what I you know, I came a few hours later than I said, or I didn't get the thing that I had promised. But this builds up and your spouse starts to feel you know what this person is not very reliable, I cannot trust them. So the trust could be on on an emotional level. Or it could be
on the fact that you're just not keeping your end of the bargain, or you're not fulfilling your promises. And it's so important to have the trust and also the respect, right. And it's the respect if that respect is lost. If you have said something that is really distasteful, if you in anger, have expressed your yourself or you have said some really rude and hurtful comments to your spouse, that's going to hurt and it's going to take a long time for that to go away. And I think we really have to be watchful of how we react when we're angry, because a lot of the damage that I see that is done, a lot of the divorces that occur is done in that state of anger when someone is not really
thinking clearly, they're not thinking about conflict resolution, or how to be diplomatic and how to have wisdom and following the prophetic example. All of this is out the window, it just boils down to I'm mad, I'm frustrated, I'm going to let you have it. You really you should not be communicating in that state. Take some time off, maybe take five minutes, step aside. They do with do do some prayer, get some fresh air, and really control that because once you say something hurtful to your spouse, you say something mean, it's so hard to take it back. I see couples in my office all the time, begging their wives or begging their husbands. I didn't really mean it. I didn't mean it when
I said I hate you. I didn't mean it when I said you know I want my life to be without you. I didn't mean it no matter how many times they say that the damage has been done. So we need to be really watchful. So some of the signs of an unhealthy relationship I'm going to just review with you one is living in fear to if there's any kind of physical abuse, three is verbal and emotional abuse. Four is possessiveness and control and five is a lack of trust and respect. Okay, so that's it. Those are some of the signs of an unhealthy marriage. Now I want to bring our focus to how to have a healthy relationship and a healthy marriage. What are some of the signs of a healthy marriage, and one of
our biggest inspiration is the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and Heidi Tierra de La Hoya and her when I look at their relationship, I am just completely in awe of
The love, the respect the mutual the mutual respect that they had for each other, and how supportive they were. So I'd like to draw upon their relationship to discuss the five, the five signs of a healthy marriage inshallah. So number one is you feel safe in the relationship, right? You feel safe, both physically and emotionally, physically, of course, you don't ever want to feel that your spouse is going to strike you. And sometimes this happens to men as well. I've had clients that they tell me, my wife hits me. And this never gets reported because no man wants to admit that they are, they are subjected to domestic violence, but it does happen. And it really it tears down the man's
ego. So we want to make sure that your relationship is safe from any kind of physical harm and emotional harm, because I remember I was having a couples therapy. And one of the the wife actually started saying that you know what, I don't feel safe in the relationship. The husband, who's a very soft spoken, very kind hearted man was shocked. It's like, What do you mean, you don't feel safe, I've never raised my hand I, I don't yell, I don't scream. And she said, Well, I don't feel safe because you attack me verbally, you say things that hurt my feelings, or use sarcasm. And sometimes the men will say, you know, my wife is so sarcastic every word out of her mouth is something she's
cutting me down. So I don't feel safe. I can't be vulnerable in a relationship where I'm constantly being attacked. So we need to make sure that we're making our spouse feel safe in the relationship. Think about the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, when he was feeling terrified when he got the ye when he got the revelation from Angel jabril. And he was shaking. Where did he go to he ran to his wife Khadija, she was a source of that comfort, she made him feel safe. And at a time when his world was shaken, and was turned upside down, she made him feel safe. So we need to make sure that we create that safe haven for our spouse to be able to put down their guards to be able to
feel that you know what, here's the place where you don't have to be on you don't have to put on a show, you can just be yourself, and you're going to be loved and accepted.
The second trait of a healthy of a healthy marriage is having complete trust and respect. This is so critical. I can't emphasize this trust, the trust as as I can't emphasize it enough. Because it's such a critical aspect. When your heart is at ease, that your spouse is loyal to you that he will never do anything, not say anything or do anything. That would be an act of
disloyalty, then your mind is at peace, when you know for sure that your wife will conduct herself in a way that whether you're there or you're not, she's always going to be honorable, she's always going to be chest and dignified in interacting with other men, then your mind is at peace. If you question that even 5% if you have a doubt about your spouse's loyalty, or how they're going to act that is going to create so much unrest, I can't tell you the number of clients that I have, they can't sleep at night, their mind is constantly preoccupied. They can't have a decent prayer without thinking about their spouse and what they might be up to. So this is really critical that you feel
safe in the relationship both physically that there's no physical harm and emotionally, that you're not going to, like the things that you share is not going to be used against you, you know, that you can be vulnerable here. And and it's and you're completely supported and accepted. The second characteristic is having the complete trust and respect I'm sorry, we just did that complete trust and respect. It's so critical to show our spouse respect, because if a person is respected, then they will they will just blossom. If you're able to
To show your your spouse respect the way they want it, a lot of times, we claim that we respect our spouse. And a lot of times, the sisters will come in as like I give my spouse respect. But then when I asked the husband, how do you want to be treated? How, how do you want respect to be shown, you find that there's a lot of discrepancy. She thought she's showing respect. And she was probably showing respect, according to her household according to her upbringing, but it wasn't according to his and that's why a lot of times men are totally frustrated, because they feel like they're not getting the respect that they deserve, because it was just not communicated. So we have to make sure
that we are communicating what kind of respect that we're expecting, and that we demonstrate the respect. Number three is complete transparency, if you want to have trust, if you want to have this loving relationship, you have to be transparent. That means no secret passwords, no secret accounts, no extra phones, that you're hiding somewhere, the only reason a person would have these things is if they're trying to hide. So if you're not trying to hide anything, don't draw suspicion to yourself by having these things. I know some men who will panic if their wife reaches for their phone, their clients will tell me that that they will turn the phone upside down, and they'll put in
their pocket and, and they'll yell if the wife even looks at the phone. So what's going on there? Why should you be in such a state of panic, when your wife looks at your phone, if you have nothing to hide, which you shouldn't, then there needs to be complete openness, there should be no problem, your spouse should go through all your emails, and you should be completely okay with it. If you're deleting, if you're hiding, if they're secrecy, then the relationship is up to no good and you are going to damage your marriage, if you don't start being completely transparent. And you need to end any kind of activity that's going on that's causing you to be so paranoid, you need to stop that
activity, and then be completely open. Because that is that transparency is the way to have trust. Now, number four, is that there is a friendship, there's a friendship, and what do you do with your friends, you're kind, you're thoughtful, there is, there's laughter there is fun. And so you got to make sure that in your marriage, you put time for that. Now, a lot of times we get caught up in the chores, the daily, you know what the kids have to do what needs to be done at the house. And you overlook that fun factor, right. So make sure that you're spending enough time with your spouse, you're having that friendship, you're there for them, you listen, you share you are having, having a
nice time together. Because if that is missing in your relationship, where you're just living as roommates, you come you sleep at different times to eat at different times you don't you barely communicate, then this is going to cause you to drift apart, right, you're going to drift. And that drift, it might be very subtle, at first very subtle, but after years and years and years, you're going to feel like you're living with a stranger. If you don't take action right now, if you don't connect, as you know, as friends, then your marriage is going to be in trouble.
And number five is a sign of a good healthy relationship is that you bring out the best in your spouse, you bring out the best and that this is so critical because many times in a relationship, people dread being around their spouse. And it's because they feel that they bring out the worst in them, they become angry, they become frustrated, they become sad. So if you have a healthy relationship, you're creating a atmosphere that is conducive to happiness, you're creating a environment that is conducive to being close and vulnerable and happy together. So you are creating all of this to bring out the best and your spouse. And that is a really important fact is that we
don't necessarily reflect on we, the focus needs to be on how we make others feel right. Because many times my clients will tell me I do everything for my house but the house is clean. The kids are taking care of the home. You know, I've done everything. I've done the grocery shopping and he's still fresh.
Straight it, and I tell him, but how do you make him feel
probably not so good, I just complain a lot, I'm upset, I'm angry. So when someone feels like they don't, you're not able to bring out the best in them, then that is not going to make them want to spend time with you. So try your best to bring out the best in your spouse. So as a review signs of a healthy marriage is that you feel safe, you feel safe, physically and emotionally. Number two, you have this complete trust and respect. Three is that there's complete transparency, you're not hiding anything, you're completely open all your accounts, your passwords, your phone, everything is accessible to your spouse, so that they can, their mind can be at ease. Because even if you're not
hiding anything, and you start being very secretive with your email or your phone, then they're gonna think what's going on? What is the deal here? Why are they Why are they? Why are they so paranoid. So it's so important to have that sense of transparency. And then building that friendship, having a friendship, where you are kind to one another you are, you're sharing, and you're having fun. And there is that daily connection. You know, like I said, many times people just go, they get caught up on the routine. And they don't even have time to share a few laughs if that's happening in your marriage, it is you know, it's dangerous zone, it is dangerous zone. Because once
you start feeling like you are, you're just roommates and your spouse doesn't really care when you're home or not. And you're not connecting emotionally or physically, then your marriage is in jeopardy. So make sure that you are building this friendship and, and that is one of the things that I admire about the relationship of the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu alaihe, who is a lemon, ha de terre de la and her because they truly had a friendship and also the marriage with eyeshadow they allow on her that they played together, they raised together, there were compliments, there were sweet words, there were nicknames that they use for one another. I think that is very critical to
incorporate that in our daily life regardless of how how much how much respond how many responsibilities you have, how much work you have, you need to make time for that connection, the loving endearing terms, and and being a friend being a friend and having fun together. And the fifth one is to bring out the best in your spouse, really be aware of how you make your spouse feel. Because I guarantee if there is any kind of problem going on, if you start making your spouse feel good about themselves, making them feel good about spending time with you, your marriage is going to improve the reason people run away from their spouse is because they can stand the way their spouse
makes them feel. They're either always nagging at them, or they're angry there criticizing there is blaming All of this makes people just run away from their spouse. But if you're making them feel appreciated, love respected, you give them you give them attention, you do all of these things, then they will love they will look forward to spending time with you. So this, this concludes the first half of you know of having a healthy relationship, the signs of having a healthy relationship versus having a unhealthy relationship. I hope that you benefited from this, I hope that you can look and with a critical eye look at your relationship and see where do you fall? Do you have some of the
signs of these unhealthy relationship? And if you do doesn't mean you're doomed, okay, so I don't want you to become hopeless, there's always hope. You can always make changes, but just become aware of it right? It's kind of like when you have symptoms of a cold or you have symptoms of pneumonia, and it could be either minor, it could be a minor illness, or it could be like you have to rush to the emergency room. Same thing with your marriage, it could be something very minor where he needs to just take you know, make certain small adjustments. Or it could be that you need professional help and you need to take major you have to take some major steps to
protecting your marriage or improving it. And if you find that you have some and if you have the healthy signs of a good marriage, that's great. Make sure that you keep it up because many times people
Have these healthy relationships when they're getting married? Yeah, we just have a friend of ours that they just they got married and you see the live you see the attention, the compassion and the appreciation is beautiful. Mashallah, right? Is this comes so naturally when you first get married, but what is going on five years down the line, 10 years, 20 years, right? A lot of times those behaviors stop. So if you find that you have these characteristic, make sure that you keep maintain it, make sure that you don't slack off that you don't take your spouse for granted. And if you are struggling in your relationship, I highly recommend my marriage program, which is the five pillars
of marriage. Five isn't the number five, the five pillars of marriage as in pillars of islam.com. And I hope that that will really give you the tools give you the guidelines on how to have a powerful and fulfilling marriage inshallah. Okay, I'm going to take some questions and Shawn live, you want to write them in the batteries? on the phone?
Okay, let's see. All right.
mutual understanding is important. All right.
Okay, my husband does not let me go. Go to stay with my family because he says he will miss me. I'm not sure that is entirely the reason what do you do in this situation? Okay. Well,
I'm sure he misses he will miss you. Right. So that is, that's part of being apart actually, you know, you could explain that being a part grows the heart fonder, right? when you, when you have some time apart, sometimes it makes you miss each other even more. I think that islamically, you need to explain that you have that right to spend time with your family that you need to, you need to have time visiting them, and it would really take away from from your relationship with them. And maybe you need to assure him, maybe there's something he's concerned of, I know that one brother told me I really don't like my wife going and spending time with her family, because they they fill
her head with negative things about me. Okay, so that's it, you have to check and see you have to probe him and find out is there anything that you're concerned about when I'm away, or when I am there, and I pretty much I can guarantee that there might be something that he's worried about either that you completely forget about him, you know, maybe you need to stay connected, even while you're visiting, you send texts you call, so you're still, you know, you still make him feel that you miss him, right? Because if he's missing you, he wants to feel like you miss him as well. And also make sure that there's nothing he's worried about in the sense that maybe he feels Okay,
they'll influence you in a negative way, whether it's religiously, or maybe they might influence the kids in a negative way. So kind of probe that. And, and, and make sure that he's at a point where he can feel comfortable with you visiting your family. Okay.
All right. So
let's see. Thank you for your comments. Let's live. I'm looking for some more questions here.
Okay. Did you see any more questions coming in? Can you? Is it problematic?
Is it problematic to live within laws? Okay.
That's a loaded question. Is it problematic to live within laws? Now, I need to say initially that I know that there are some cultures that living within laws is is a given, it is expected and if you don't, you're in big trouble. So with that in mind, if you're in the situation where you have to comply, then
then it kind of limits your options. If you have a choice. If you can get your own place. I highly recommend that because it is very challenging to live under the under one roof. Now, if you are forced to live with your in laws, then you need to establish certain boundaries. You need to make sure that there's no confrontation always have your spouse approach their parent their parents, rather than you confronting them. And if there is a choice, I would definitely say try to have your own place. establish your own routines because you know
It's, it's really challenging when you have two women trying to be the woman of the house, they both will want to be the woman of the house. And it does create a lot of tension. So I it's very rare. And I have seen the example of my dear friend, sister, Hannah, Mashallah she is able to pull it off because she has an amazing personality, and she has exceptional daughter in laws, and they were able to live together and, and grow even closer. So it is possible. But I think that's the exception. And you have to be really God conscious. And you have to be really, like overlook many things and be very loving to be able to live in the same house and not have not have any issues.
Don't give us space. Okay? What if the in laws don't give us space in law issues, this is a big one, right? Well, depending on if if you are living with them, or you're living apart, if, if you're living with them, then it does become a little bit challenging in establishing your routine establishing boundaries. But it really is up to the to the man to establish certain boundaries with his family, that is really critical, because the man plays such a pivotal role in the relationship between in laws and his wife. So if you play it right, then you can, you can have both parties be happy and respect one another. If you're not able to have space, I think it really is up to the
person's parent, the person whose family is getting overly involved, to have a heart to heart talk to keep them involved, but basically kind of on your terms, and you try to help them to understand we're dedicated, let's see Saturday's we're going to come to you. But then after, let's say five, we need to head out, you need to establish some kind of understanding, but very respectfully, you don't want to hurt their feelings, you don't want to make them feel that they are not wanted, that's the worst thing you could do. So try to allocate enough time where you are initiating seeing them and being involved with them. So that they won't be imposing but definitely establish some boundaries.
my husband is a drinker? What can I do?
Okay, that is that is a, I would say that's more of a crisis situation, you know, how we were talking about whether it's a minor illness are a major illness, I would say that this is this is a crisis, I don't know if you knew this about him when you got married, or it's something that just recently develop, but you need to get maybe some some individuals that he respects in the community, you have to help with this, you need to have a heart to heart talk with him, that this is something that he needs to overcome. Because because of the belief system, because I don't know, if you have kids in the home, this will really have, excuse me a damaging effect on your family, if he continues
to drink, and you need to help him to understand that. And eventually, you may have to set an ultimatum that you need to either stop drinking, or I don't know about go, you know, continuing with this marriage, because this drinking you know, you want your life to have Baraka, you want, you want a lot to be pleased with you, and you want your husband to be a role model for the kids. So this is something that I think you need to most likely seek professional help and, and also maybe get the help of some, maybe in a mom in your community that could that could advise you as well.
How can I bring out the best in my spouse? Okay, very good question. The way you bring out the best in him is, is to make them feel, first of all, appreciate it. We all want to feel appreciated, that is such a strong desire is such a strong human need. So when you start appreciating them, then they they feel so happy. And I know that a lot of times we take our spouse for granted. We think that the things that they're doing well, it's their duty, it's their job. I even had a situation in couples therapy where I turned to the wife and I said, you know, why don't you show some appreciation for what your husband has been doing. You know, he works 1012 hours a day. He's a physician, he's under
a lot of stress. Just like what that's just his job. He has to do that. And when you have that mentality, then you're not ever going to really show appreciation if you think well but he does just that's what he has to do. That's his
What if he thinks that way about the job that you do at home with the kids and the cooking and the home, so you have to make sure that you verbalize so verbally tell him or tell her how how much you appreciate, then you can compliment, give them compliments, make them feel good, make them feel attractive, if they have a feature that you that you like, you know, comment on it. And if there's features you don't like, overlook it, focus on those things that you love about your spouse, so, and make sure that when they're with you, you're talking about things that will make you make them enjoy their time with you. Like pillar two in the five pillars of marriage is all about building a
friendship. And I go, you know, I give you extensive examples on how to make your spouse feel happy how to build that friendship, it's, you know, it is so critical. Because once you have a strong friendship, that marriage can last 5060 years, and you can still have that emotional connection inshallah.
My husband didn't reciprocate.
How can you help? Okay, so someone is asking that she used to do all of these things she used to, I guess, make him feel special to all the things around the house, but he never acknowledged it. So what can she do? It's very difficult, it's very difficult. And I've seen many cases like this, where you, one person could be bending over backwards, and doing so much. And yet it's not being acknowledged. It's not, it's not being appreciated, and it's really hard to stay motivated. And I think this is where you really need to think about it as far as, like, what my motto is, is to live and love with a higher purpose. So that higher purpose is pleasing a law. And so sometimes your
tests could be your spouse, your test could be an unappreciative husband, and maybe is good in all other ways, maybe is a good provider, he's loyal, he's honest, he is righteous, but he doesn't have that personality where he will charm you, and give you those sweet words and appreciation. And you have to just kind of put things into perspective, right. And you have to realize that sometimes that that can be your test. And you can do it for the sake of a law. And as long as you know, you, it's not an abusive relationship. As long as you you have those signs of like healthy marriage, then you can try to do it for the sake of Allah, even though you're not getting the appreciation. But I know
it's challenging. And I hope you surround yourself with positive people who can appreciate you. There's one, one couple, I knew that they were married for over 40 years, and the husband was not very expressive. The wife would bend over backwards, do everything to please her husband, and he just never, never said anything, and there was no changing him. So what she did is she focused her attention on doing it for the sake of Allah. And then she surrounded herself with people who just completely adored her. And she was able to live a happy life, sometimes frustrated, because her husband didn't acknowledge the things that she did. But overall, she was content because she was
getting satisfaction in many other relationships.
My husband blames my daughter for my first marriage, for ending our marriage. How can we reconcile? My husband blames my daughter for the for?
Oh, for the first from the first marriage. Okay, so how can we reconcile that? I think it's always challenging to have a joint family. And when you bring someone into into your life, and especially when children are involved, it is it is a it is a challenging situation. I think it's very important to help your husband understand what she's going through must not be easy, right? And as adults, we're the ones who need to accommodate we need to be understanding, we need to kind of overlook and forgive. And if he has the attitude where he's just blaming her, then that relationship is not really going to develop because he's probably building up some resentment and animosity. So I think
it's really important. Give it time. You can't rush a relationship. Many times I've seen people who who get married and they bring their children from like the first marriage and the children are very reluctant they may give a hard time to the to their stuff.
Father, but then with enough emotional deposits with him, being there, being loving, being kind and overlooking these, you know, maybe the some of the childish behavior, then that report can be built in sha Allah.
So what more can I do to make sure that he leaves and comes home happy, I always send him off with a smile. Box ready, and he always thanked me for that. I've seen that. By keeping him happy. I also enjoyed the happiness.
Okay, and so the question, is there a question? What else can I do? Okay, so the question is, what else can I do to make my man happy? Right? Because he said, You send them off, you make lunch you're loving when you come back? Well, I think an important thing to do is ask your spouse, what more can I do? Right? I have my I have my clients ask their their spouse, you know about their love tank, the the love tank that how full is your love tank. And that's something from, you know, the languages, the five languages of love, I go into that extensively in the five pillars of marriage is by David Chapman, and beautiful way of explaining how we all have different love languages. And you need to
find out what your love languages and what your spouse's love languages. And then, and then just speak that language to that. And once you do, that, they're going to feel so loved and so happy.
Are there more questions? Okay.
For a daughter in law or law.
Okay, what are the duties of a daughter in law and son in law, I think that the most important role that you play is just being a unifying force. being respectful, being honorable. Now, we just talked extensively to some friends of ours about this is, is that you know, parents, what they want most is the respect, they want to feel appreciated for the child that they have raised. So if you have that, if you take the make the effort, and make them feel appreciated, make them feel loved, make them feel valued. When you go, and you visit them, you spend time with them, you sit with them, you listen to their stories, even if it's the same stories over and over again, still show interest,
have that have that respect, treat them like parents have them over, be kind and respectful to them. Because I know that sometimes the expectations exceed what is what is expected, the expectations exceed what is the norm, they sometimes I know with some in laws, they expect you to maybe clean the house and cook the foods and do so many different things. And I think that sometimes that can be taken advantage of. So I think the most important thing is to have to build that relationship. treat them like loving, respectful parents, and do as much as you can and remember that your in laws, this is Allah has provided you an opportunity to gain Hassan not this is an opportunity to gain reward by
serving them by taking care of them. And if you have that, just look at it at that. And I know that it can be very challenging at times. But if you do it with the right intention, then you will be rewarded heavily inshallah.
How do I deal with a dishonest spouse? That's difficult, that's really difficult. Because if you can't trust your spouse, then this is really going to damage the relationship. I had a I had a young couple come in just recently, and that was their biggest issue. She's like, you know, they looked like they were in love. And there was there was kindness and there was sweetness between them. But she's like, you know, I don't really trust them. Because he tells me that he has stopped watching, let's say something on the internet, but he still, but he is still doing it. And then he'll lie about it. And so it really is important to let your spouse know how this is affecting you that when
you're dishonest, this is going to break our trust. And trust is one of those important pillars of the marriage that if it falls, if it breaks the unit, the whole, the whole building will collapse. So encouraging him to be honest, and maybe encouraging him by not overreacting. I think many times
Men or women, they will end up lying about certain things because they fear the reaction, they fear the consequence. So if you do your best to react in a rational and calm manner, maybe he will be more, he will be encouraged to share with honesty.
What is the point of returning to a marriage in which all the five things
are violated when your husband is a good person with everybody else? is totally contrary with you.
Okay, so the question is, how do you stay in a marriage that all those five things that you've said have been violated, that he is good to others, but not good at home? And you know, unfortunately, unfortunately, this is common, it is common to have this kind of hypocrisy, I remember reading the,
the Tafseer, of sword munafo and of how the description of the manassa and it's so extensive, and even in sort of Baccarat, that unit, there's over like 13 verses that is talking about the hypocrisy. And it is emphasized because it is so rampant. A lot of people will put on a great display for others, but then in their own home. There is there's harshness there is unfairness injustice, and and you know, you really have to evaluate, you have to look at the at the relationship, it's hard for me to tell you what to do in this situation. I think this is also one of those maybe crisis situation where you do need to get some professional help, maybe it would help to
go through the marriage program, maybe see what are what is it that you can do maybe understand him more, maybe see how you're contributing to his behavior, because a lot of times, what I see is that couples, they, they may have this working relationship, and one individual, one individual feels like they're doing everything, and the other one is totally withdrawn. And they can't even imagine that they are doing anything to contribute to the negative behavior. And this is what I helped them to realize, I say that whenever you have problems in the marriage, both contribute to it, and you may be doing the very thing, you may be reinforcing the very thing that you can't stand. So the fact
that maybe he's withdrawn the fact that he gets upset the fact that
you're your wife may have like emotional outbursts, you may be contributing to that. And it takes some analysis of the situation to see how can you How can you look into this and see what what am I doing that might be contributing to this? Now, I know you think that you're doing everything just right. And that's why it helps. Like I've seen people who've been married for even like 40 years who took the program, they and they. And they told me that some of the things that they learned within the marriage program, got them back on track that they didn't realize, they had no idea that they were doing this another person told me that as they watch the five pillars of marriage, they kept
apologizing to their spouse, I'm so sorry, I had no idea. I didn't know that I'm doing this. And so sometimes, you may, you may be doing everything, you know, right? You know, like I say your mom was very good about being a house, you know, home keeper, a housekeeper and
taking care of the kids being an amazing mom being an amazing chef, taking care of all these things. But then you might be missing that aspect of how do I how do I?
How do I make my spouse feel appreciated? How do I make their ego thrive and not crush their ego? How do I make it reinforcing to be around them? So I think these and even like when you want to look at the physical intimacy, that a lot of times is a big issue. And men get Mitch, they shut down if that area of their marriage is not fulfilled. And so that's why like, let's say pillar five, in the marriage program is all about sexuality, and how to fulfill one another how to be more feminine, how to be more masculine, how to get your needs met. And when you do that, then suddenly you find someone who has been completely withdrawn and shut down. totally open up. So when you say I've done
everything, I'm sure you've done everything that you know how to do. There may be things that you just don't know.
About that you're overlooking. So that's, that's my suggestion is to try to explore that and try to read up more in Sharla.
one coming from
very happy marriage, and she says, our marriage is amazing. We're so close, but he made he wants to marry another woman back home. It's ruining our marriage. And I don't know what to do if you'd like to get
a second wife. can you offer advice to the second wives? Please? not accepted by the CO wife? or children? Okay.
Okay, so we'll take on the question about the second wife. Why the first question is,
the first question is that they are they're happily married, loving relationship, but the husband wants to marry someone back home. Okay, now, I have a whole like bonus section on second wife and polygamous relationship, because it's extensive. And we only have a couple of minutes left. So I'm just going to lightly touch on this. But I do go into a lot of details, specific videos for brothers considering specific videos for sisters who are going through it the pros, the cons, and how to cope. Okay, so
if that is a situation you're in, I would highly recommend the program where you can get more detailed information. But in this situation, you know, it's, it seems to be pretty common for,
for, you know, the Muslim men, they might be in a happy relationship, they love their spouse, and then they want to take on the second wife. And I think what they don't realize is how much this affects wife number one, that it totally can damage that relationship. It is a it is a very highly emotionally sensitive situation. And, and, and I don't know, if you hear there are some exceptions, there are some cases where people are able to do this, but it really takes some unique personalities, it takes a very unique man who will be able to be fair and balanced in doing that. So for the the one who is a first wife,
and the husband wants to pursue the second wife, you really have to understand what this entails because I've done therapy with polygamous relationship. And it is, it's no picnic, it is it is very challenging. And like I said, it takes unique individuals to be able to overlook the jealousy, the sharing, the Edit takes, like I said, a very unique man to be able to balance I very few men are keeping their one wife happy.
That's it, that in itself is a task, it's a you know, Mission Impossible to just keep one woman happy and satisfied in every aspect. So when you put into the equation, a second wife that can either that can make it even more complicated. So my advice to you is, make sure the brother realizes what this entails, you know, because a lot of times, it's it's an emotional decision. It's how long I'm going to go for it. And and not realizing how this is going to affect the first marriage. And I think I've seen many incidents where a happily married man gets takes on the second wife, and then he sees the first marriage totally falls apart. And then he ends it with the second
this this is a trend that I've seen with a lot of my clients. And I think there's always this overly like this optimistic attitude that Oh, my wife will come around, everything's gonna be fine, and not realizing how it affects the first wife. And once these men come face to face with the reality, a lot of times they do decide to end the second marriage and then so that's that's one. And then the second question was about a sec, the second wife having issues with the first wife not accepting the second wife. Well, Sister, I know. I know that the you're in a difficult situation. You have to understand that it's not an easy thing. I don't know how
how she was told or how she found out. Unfortunately, a lot of people go about the whole second wife business in really incorrect, inappropriate ways and a lot of times it's the
In the secrecy and the wife founds out, and she's devastated, so I have a lot of those clients who come in, and they are the first five, and they are the ones who they, they find that and they are devastated. So I think it really helps to,
to try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Okay? If if you were in that situation, how would you How would you handle it now, the best thing to do in any relationship is to understand that you are under surveillance, Allah is watching you, and to try to do things for the sake of Allah. And I've had situation I actually had a client who was the second wife. And when she came to me, she was completely in turmoil because she felt like things were not fair. And there was jealousy and Alhamdulillah as I worked on her emotional stability as I worked on her gaining confidence, self esteem, reframing so there's a lot of work that we had to do from a psychological perspective to
help her and then she was able to Mashallah to thrive. So I think that inshallah,
in sha Allah, that Allah will make it easy for all of you, and I hope that we can try to develop these healthy habits and our relationship and if we have any unhealthy habits or characteristics, May Allah help us to overcome them, give us the wisdom, the the patience, to know how to deal with it and help us to make all the right decisions. So it's like the light hair for joining me and please join me Thursday at four o'clock Central Standard Time for the second part of having a healthy versus unhealthy marriage is just like a lot hare Salaam Alaikum.