Ramadan 2016 – Remedies for Your Marriage – 3

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Haleh Banani

Channel: Haleh Banani

Series:

Topics: Marriage,Ramadan

Episode Notes

Ramadan 2016 – Remedies for Your Marriage – EP 3

June 15, 2016

Episode Transcript

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Salam aleikum.

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We are here. Welcome to the Ramadan remedies. day three, I will be talking to you about forgiveness how important it is to forgive one another Ask for forgiveness and also give that forgiveness to our spouse and what an important role the act of forgiveness plays in our marriage. So I hope you're tuning in and so I love this melodic minor Rahim in non hamdulillah Nevada who are staying you know who when I stopped federal when I was a Billahi min sudo the emphasis women say tiama Lena maniacs who follow him within the law woman yedlin Fela howdy Allah wa Shadowrun La La Vie santa ana Muhammadan up to her What else? Am I bad. So thank you for joining in for the Ramadan remedies.

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We've been talking about how Ramadan is a perfect opportunity to get a better relationship to work on your marriage because we are all striving to be better individuals. And this is the time to make that extra effort. You're making the effort in making that connection with Allah. Now make that effort extended on to your relationships, especially your relationship with your spouse, it is the month of forgiveness. Ramadan is a time when all of us are trying to purify ourselves, we're trying to cleanse our hearts. And it is a time for asking for forgiveness, I want you each to right now, they close your eyes and reflect back on the past year. I want you to think back to all the

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shortcomings, all the mistakes you may have made. I really want you to be honest with yourself because it's really easy to brush off the things we do that we just overlook it and think it's no big deal. But I really want you to right now in this month of Ramadan, I want you to be really honest with yourself and reflect on your shortcomings. On the number of times you may have engaged in gossiping. And the times that you may have just made this lie set a lie in order to to get by. Maybe you set things that you hurt other individuals, maybe you overreacted in anger towards your spouse, maybe towards your kids. Maybe it was the fact that you didn't really fulfill your duties.

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So right now reflect on all the things that you have done.

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And I want you to genuinely in your heart feel and that remorse, because in Toba part of Toba is just having that remorse in your heart. So right now ask Allah to forgive you forgive you for all of those things. And how eager are we right now with the guilt when our heart is filled with guilt when we feel ashamed of the things that we have done? how eager are we to have Allah forgive us? How is it that we want so much for Allah to overlook the number the numerous mistakes that we have made? Yet, when it comes to the mistakes others have made? We may be very, very reluctant in showing forgiveness.

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So as

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as we ask for forgiveness from Allah, we need to fill our own hearts with that forgiveness. I know that it's not easy, because many of you have may have experienced some really horrible things. I mean, as a therapist, I hear it all. I know that people really go through struggles, they may be tested in their relationships, it may be your parents who have done you wrong, it could be family members, it could be your sibling, some people have as the biggest test is their siblings. It could be your spouse, maybe you've been maybe you've been cheated on maybe someone has lied to you and has done things that has really left you. Sorry about the technical difficulty. So what I was saying is

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that many of you have gone through difficulties you've had individuals who who have hurt you who have betrayed you, who may have stabbed you in the back and I know that that's not easy. I know that that really leaves emotional scars, I deal with people who are struggling through those emotional scars on a daily basis. However, I want you to really think about this month as a way of cleansing yourself because when you're holding grudges in your heart when you have anger, when you have sadness when you are filled with animosity towards someone, you are harming yourself. It's not about

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out, harming the other person because many times people are like, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna forgive that person. That person was a jerk to me, that person betrayed me, that person hurt me. And there's so much anxiety. There's so much anger and frustration because they really harmed you in some way or another, however, and you think that by forgiving them, you're letting them off the hook. Well, I want you to reflect on what Allah says about forgiveness. altavilla Jimenez shavon and Reggie Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim. What's the do? Isla Farah Tim Mira Pico, my Jonathan Doha sumbawa to allow that little tatty saying hastened to forgive race. When you're racing. What are you

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thinking about? When you raise you're just thinking about the finish line you're trying to achieve? And what are you trying to achieve? Sometimes it's a gold medal. Sometimes it's a certificate sometimes just someone like cheering you on because you were in first place. So I say raise Who are you racing with? You're racing with that individual who has somehow wrong to you, whether that's your spouse, whether that is a sibling, whether whoever that is your racing, you're going to try to see who has the most taqwa Which one of you is more of an adult, which one of you has more taqwa? Right. And so when you're raising, saying hastened to forgiveness from your Lord, and the garden as

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wide as the heaven and earth is prepared for the righteous, so this is saying that if you're able to let go, and you're able to forgive, then you're going to be rewarded in such an amazing way.

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So this is the ideas that right now, think about, I want you to just close your eyes right now. Okay, I've done this in conferences with sometimes 1000s of people. And it's a really powerful act, if you try this at home, just close your eyes. And think about a person who has hurt you. Think about a person who may have talked bad about you, maybe who has spread rumors about you, maybe it's someone who has somehow neglected you or betrayed you, okay, and I want you in your heart, with the intention of pleasing a law and to be able to let go of all this, this emotional baggage to forget. It is, it is a thought in your mind and a feeling in your heart. That's all it takes. That's all it

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takes. And it's so powerful. And I know, I know that we we hold back, we're reluctant. Because somehow we feel like by not forgiving the person. We're somehow safeguarding our stuff, right. And somehow, we're not letting the person off the hook. This is not about the person, I don't care how big of a jerk that person was. I don't care how, how often it's not about them, and whether they deserve forgiveness or not. It's about you and your relationship with Allah.

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Let go. Just think about it and be able to let go and forgive. And especially if it's your spouse, you cannot live a harmonious relationship with someone, if you feel that you have been wronged and you're not forgiving, if you are holding on to that grudge.

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Okay, if you're holding on to the grudge, and you feel that there is anger in your heart for your spouse, and you feel that there is there's that animosity, then you need to be able to let go because this is going to hold you back imagine on a daily basis. And I've seen so many couples like this, I had a couple recently come in. And there was there was something that the husband did that really upset, upset the wife and she was really offended by his act. And she was holding it in her heart. And even the way her body language sitting in the therapy session was very much very heated. She was very defensive, very withdrawn. She felt that I have been hurt by this man, I'm not getting

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hurt again. And there was all of that protective nature about her. And no matter how hard the man was trying, no matter how hard her husband tried to reach out to her and try to help her and ask for forgiveness and do all of these things. She was not open to it. And this was causing a roadblock in their marriage, that roadblock we cannot move ahead. As long as someone has not has that grudge in their heart. We need to be able to let go it's like you know what it's like it's like having an anchor you're in a sailboat is imagine that marriage as a sailboat

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You drop the anchor. And that's when you refuse to forgive someone, it is an anchor in the relationship, you will not be able to move ahead, you will be stuck, you will be stuck in that situation. And that's why one of the first things I do in marital counseling is having them ask for forgiveness from each other and truly,

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truly seeking the forgiveness being sincere about it. No, not not those very, very surface level forgiveness, you know, when you ask your child and they've, they've acted out and you tell them I know, this happens sometimes with my kids, and I tell them, okay, you need to apologize. And I was like, sorry, that is not heartfelt. It's just parroting something. Right? I always say make the apology, very heartfelt. let the person know exactly what they did wrong.

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Exactly what they need to correct within themselves. And I think it's, that's so critical, right? Because when my kids ask, and they say, Well, you know, can you forgive me? I'm like, Okay, what did you do wrong? Do you realize where you went wrong? And once they specify, you know, well, you know, I just, I wasn't obedient, or I, I disrespected you, or I did this. And once they specify that, it's like, my heart is at ease, because I know, okay, they get it, they understand. And so I can overlook and move on. So we need to make the apology, sincere and heartfelt. And then as the recipient, we need to find it in our heart to forgive, we need to find it in our heart to let go, right? Because

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all of these things that we're holding on to this is weighing us down. Imagine when you're traveling, and you have suitcases that don't have wheels, and you have to carry these suitcases around how exhausting is that? It's exhausting, right? I know, I should know because I, I travel very heavy, and I have lots of bags. And that takes up a lot of energy, right. And you can't wait to put these luggage down. Now imagine someone carrying that baggage throughout their life, from city to city, country to country and it's just it's weighing them down. And that's what's happening. If you have not been able to let go of something, let's say your spouse said or something your spouse

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has done. And it's from like years and years ago, then it is truly It is truly sad because it is acting as an anchor in your relationship, it's going to prevent you from moving ahead. And what happens if your arm if you are like, if your hands are filled with baggage, or let's say even like emotional, we'll call it emotional garbage, right? Then you're not going to be able to receive from others, right? If you are busy carrying all this emotional baggage and someone wants to hand you a bouquet of flowers, you can't even receive it. You're too busy with all the stuff you're you're juggling. So try your best to let go and ease your heart make it your intention this Ramadan, right,

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we're doing so much we're making so much effort, the fasting is there Mashallah The, the reading of the Quran, the Torah, we were trying to increase our knowledge, we're doing all this. And all of this needs to translate in our clock in our character. If we do all this and our character doesn't change, then then something is wrong with the way we're doing the worship, we need to remember I said last time is that the litmus test that your worship is accepted is that it is affecting your character, that you are treating people differently, and especially the people closest to you, those individuals who live with you, your spouse, your children, they should be the recipient of your

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kindness, they should be the recipient of your your love and your forgiveness. So we need to learn to make our hearts more forgiving, and realize that it is it is such a blessing. It's such a blessing. When I see someone who has been so hurt, and they have a right there that many people have a right to be hurt. Many people have a right to be upset, you know, because some some terrible things may happen. But it's that time is that moment when they decide, you know what, I don't want to be weighed down by this anymore. I don't want this to define who I am. And I don't want this to be an obstacle in my life and for the rest of my life. Because sometimes there's this huge roadblock

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and we all see it and we wish it wasn't there. But we're not doing anything actively about it. We're not being proactive enough. So I am encouraging you that in this Ramadan, you purify your intention. You make it about purifying your heart from any grudges, any ill feeling any anger that you have for another individual, especially your spouse.

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Because if you have, if you have this in your heart, it's really going to prevent you from moving ahead, and I see it, when individuals are able to let go suddenly, like they open up, and they feel, you know, it's like kinda like doing away with those baggage is now they can receive the bouquet of flowers because their their hands are opened up, they're free, they're free, and they're not being weighed down. And they're not replaying those old movies, those, those the movies in their mind that angers them that hurt them. And that make them depressed. Now, if you had an individual who said, You know what, I'm watching this movie, and it really, really I hate it. I hate this movie. It makes

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me sad. I'm always crying. I get so angry and frustrated when I watch it. I watch it every day, what would you tell them? Stop watching the movie, turn it off, break the CD, better yet, just break it don't watch it anymore, right? That's what we would tell someone who is constantly replaying a movie that is making them so frustrated. But I'm sure that many of you are replaying movies in your mind from things that happen maybe five years ago, maybe 10 years away, or 30 years ago, right? It just keeps playing over and over and over again. And you just you feel bad. And you wonder why you wonder why you're depressed. You wonder why your marriage is stuck. And it's all because of the fact that,

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you know, you're feeling you're bombarding yourself with bad memories, right? It's so important to reflect on the positive aspect of your spouse, because all of us, we have our good qualities, and we have our negative qualities, right? And we need to recognize that each person has those weaknesses. And if we only focus on the person's negative quality, they're going to seem so we're just not appealing to us. I remember I was in couples therapy. And one of the things I I do is I have to reflect on the positive traits of their spouse, I turned to the wife and I said, so what do you like? What do you like about your spouse? And she was like, Well, you know, women are a little bit

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quick to come up with these things. And she's like, he's a good provider. And he's, you know, he's very, he's nice. And he's, he's pretty involved with the kids. And I turned to the husband, I'm like, What do you like about your wife, and he's like,

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is like, is it you know, maybe it's her cooking, the way she takes care of the house, nothing. And he just was like, he was blank, I'm thinking I'm trying to help the brother because I knew he's gonna be in really big trouble after the therapy session, because he couldn't come up with one thing. He could say positive about his wife. And you know what that is what that indicates to me that playing that CD, he's playing that movie, that negative things about her, like, all he could list were negative things, you couldn't even come up with one positive thing about her, and I'm sure she had positive traits. So that's what we do to ourselves. So we need to know, we really need to

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make sure that we're kind of letting go, we're focusing on the positive traits of our spouse, and everyone in our life. As I've said before, this information, I am calling it Ramadan remedies for your marriage, but it can be very beneficial in every relationship, whether that's your with your your, with your parents, whether that's with your children, with with other family members, if we let go, and we're able to forgive and make those bonds, then you will find that your marriage will just completely flourish, your relationships will flourish. Because a lot of times, people it's so easy, they put individuals on a blacklist, right? You do one thing wrong and you're on that

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blacklist, which I'm never going to talk to you again how many people do you know personally, who have done that? They've done that with maybe siblings, they've done that with aunts and uncles and it's so sad and I had a client who came in and said, you know, at our wedding we got into such a big fight. It's like I got an A big fight with my father. About the wedding expenses are about what to do when to do it. They didn't they didn't talk for two years, two years, not talking to your solicitor him to your father, because of a misunderstanding. I mean, really, we have to value the relationships. And Allah has put so much so much value on stilettos. I am your bonds of kinship, and

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we can't cut it that easily he and it's scary what he says like whoever cuts the selector rahem whoever cuts this bonds of kinship, then he is cut from my mercy. Can any of us afford to be cut from Allah's mercy? I know I can. And that's

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Aerosmith that scares me. So I'd never want to be on that side where I have cut anyone off. And I remember, I've had actually family members, when one individual told me, you know, when I put on the hijab, it was a little bit hard for them to accept. And they said, you know, what, I, I'm cutting you off, I don't want to have anything to do with you. I said, you know, I'm going to, I'm going to continue contacting you, because this is, this is part of this is part of our religion, we can't I mean, Allah has chosen these individuals in our life for a reason. And I continue to call. And when I would pick up the phone, I would have a dialogue with a lot before I picked up the phone, I say

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out loud, this is only for you. Because I know it's either not either either not gonna pick up the phone, or they're gonna be rude. Or they may hang up, whatever it is, I said, you know what this is only for you out loud, I want to, I don't want to have that on my shoulders, that I'm cutting ties. So we need to always make that extra effort. And after some time, it took a few years, it took lots of

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maybe gift giving, and calls and kindness. And they finally came around and handled love. So just don't be the one who is blacklisting people don't be the one who cuts people off, because these are individuals that Allah has hand chosen, and has put in your life for a reason. And the most difficult people are the ones you have the most to learn from, right? Because when you're just talking and laughing, and having good old time, very few people have an epiphany at a party. Right? It's usually when someone has hit rock bottom, when someone has maybe gotten a a life threatening disease, or maybe they've gotten into a really bad accident. And they're like in in crutches or

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they've broken ribs. And they are they're really desperate. That's when they reached epiphany, when they are being challenged by family members, difficult people. That is when people have the insight and the spiritual, they see the light, right, because of those, the difficulty is kind of like when Allah wants us to be purified, he puts us through those difficult tests. And sometimes those difficult tests are the people closest to us. And many times it's the spouse, your spouse could be your biggest test. Now, I do want to mention that if there's any form of abuse, if it's an abusive relationship, or there's physical violence, I know a lot of times sisters are, you know, they're a

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victim to domestic violence. And I am an advocate for women standing up for their rights and standing up for their protecting themselves and their children. And I know that many times when when sisters asked for advice, and they say, you know, what do I do there, advise the sister just be patient, be patient sister, or just forgive and stay in the relationship. But really, that's that's really harmful. And I do have to

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give this disclaimer that yes, forgiving, and being patient, those are amazing qualities. But if you are being oppressed, if you're being abused physically and emotionally and verbally, then then you need to, you know, you need to reevaluate, you need to reevaluate, because I can't tell you the number of clients, young adults that come into therapy. And they will tell me that, you know, I don't know why my mom stayed in that abusive relationship. Because many times I asked the sisters, what's making you stay in this relationship? I mean, there is there's violence, you're scared for your life, you've been beaten up? And why are you staying in this relationship, and this is for my

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kids? Well, I can tell you that that is not a healthy environment for the kids, that if the kids are constantly brought up in a stressful environment where they see their, their mom being hit, this is not healthy, and they're not going to want to have anything to do with a marriage. So really reevaluate. And so when I talk about forgiveness, when I talk about being patient, it's definitely not in the face of being in an abusive relationship. So save yourself and save your kids. But I do pray that we can all work on our hearts that we can try to gain the strength because it really is. It really is challenging, to have the strength to be able to let go to be able to forgive someone.

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And I think if we just constantly and I think that's the perfect time, it's Ramadan, we are I know it's hard. Someone is saying forgiveness is hard. I know it's hard. I mean, this is what I deal with on a daily basis.

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You do forgive and it you do still hurt. Yes, you may still hurt but

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The point of the matter is that now you have done your religious duty, you have let go. And now you're leaving your heart a lot cement, you've done your part, okay. And that's what I'm trying to really establish here is that if you do your share, you work on your heart and you work on your relationship, then it will be hard, right? Anything great that we want to accomplish is challenging. But we have to do our best. And we need to be able to, to let go because like a sister is saying that forgiveness is what frees you. Right? It does for you. And I see it, I see it with the people I work with that once they're able to forgive, I had a very amazing breakthrough with one client. She

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was calling from the Far East, and she had a really

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shout out to her relationship with her mother was one of animosity, and she just was neglected from when she was little. And so there is there was a lot of anger in her at the moment in therapy session when I explained to her that every mother tries her best, according to what they know, according to

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according to their knowledge, they do their best. So she never intentionally tried to hurt you. She never intentionally tried to abandon you. And once you've understood that, it's like, she was like, I forgive her. And she just lit up, she goes, Oh my God, this feels so amazing. So just try it. If you don't believe me, I dare you. I dare you to forget, I dare you to forgive and feel the joy, feel that relief? And, and see how incredible you can feel inshallah, because I know that that is that's truly the answer. And if you you know, just find it in your heart, and forgiveness, you know, you don't have to tell. You don't have to even tell the person like if the person has actively come and

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asked for forgiveness, then you can forgive them, right? Because let's say your spouse is coming. And you know how it goes sisters, sometimes the brother calls and he's like, Oh, I'm, forgive me, I don't know what I was thinking that I just like, I'm really, really sorry. And I even see it in the therapist as sisters, like, oh, like, I'm not talking to you, I'm not playing, right. So at that moment, that's when you need to be that mature adult, that's the moment where you have to crush your pride and turn towards him, not against him not away from him. Right that moment, just swallow your pride and take in, you know, he's taking ownership of it. Or if your wife is taking ownership of the

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fact that she messed up, I had a couple I was working with, and he's just such a perfectionist. And, and, you know, she always forgot things, she always constantly forgot that and it would make her very upset. So she would, she would apologize, but he got he got kind of fed up with it. So he stopped accepting the apology, have to realize that people make mistakes, you have to have room in your heart for that forgiveness. And when you do that, then the relationship is really going to flourish. You know, we have a emotional relationship with with the people in our lives. It's an emotional bank account actually, is what I want to say it's an emotional bank account. And we need

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to be making deposits because what happens if you don't deposit in a bank account and keep withdrawing and keep spending, then you're going to have non sufficient funds, things are going to go wrong. Same thing with your emotional relationship that these emotional bank accounts if you don't deposit in them, then what's going to happen is that it will cause a disturbance in your relationship, the person will withdraw, they may get even interested in a whole nother person because you're not forgiving them. So if you're able to forgive, that is a huge emotional deposit. I can't tell you, I can't tell you the number of relationships I've seen where there may have been,

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you know, some level of cheating going on maybe there was emotional infidelity. And and when the spouse forgives them, when the when the spouse who had betrayed them have has promised that they will not repeat this act again. Then that forgiveness is a huge emotional deposit then it just that individual feels so like they have been redeemed. And that's a beautiful gift. It's a beautiful gift if you can give someone so I want to open it up to some

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questions if I'm going to have to end a little bit earlier today.

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So if you can send in some of the questions that you have, I know that I'll start off with some frequently asked questions that my clients ask is that you know, how it how do you forgive? How can you forgive when you're, you know, when you're so hurt. And like I said, Sometimes, it's someone actively coming to and asking for forgiveness. And other times, it's someone, maybe you don't even see them anymore. Maybe it's someone from your childhood. So it's not a matter of going up to someone and saying, I forgive you. It's more of a state of the heart, it's more of like in your mind, I love this quote that I read is that forgiveness is when a person can run through your mind

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without, without them stirring any negative emotions I'm summarizing, but it's basically that you are not frustrated by the thought of them. And so sometimes is that actively someone asking you for forgiveness other times is just a matter of, you know what, I forgive that person? Yeah, that, yeah, my friend stabbed me in the back, that's fine. Oh, my spouse

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told me a lie, or mistreated me that I'm going to overlook that I'm going to forgive them. And that act is can be just something that you feel in your heart. And it really has to do with your level of maturity, another way of gaining the ability to ask for forgiveness to things I think it's maturity being mature enough to own take ownership of what has happened and say, I'm going to be proactive, I'm going to do something to fix this problem. And so it's about maturity and also spiritual maturity, right? So you could have that spiritual understanding as you increase your knowledge, as you understand the verses of a lot that what it's a you know, what he says about forgiveness and and

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the reward what he says in certain assura number 40

00:32:09--> 00:32:10

wedges?

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Say yes, say yes. mithila femen naffaa Isla halfa Andrew, who La la la, in Hola, your hip both boil me. And the retribution for an evil act is an evil one. But whoever pardons and makes reconciliation, his reward is from Allah. Indeed, he does not like the wrong door. So here, a lot of things very clearly that, you know, it's Yeah, it's a common reaction, someone does you wrong, and you just want to like cut ties, you don't want to do anything, you know, have anything to do with them. But we know, it's like getting different grades, right? Someone could be very okay with getting a C, just mediocre, no problem, okay. But someone aims for a plus. And they will not be

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happy unless they get the a plus. So those individuals that say, if you are able to forgive even when someone has wronged you, even when someone may not deserve that kind of kindness from you, but you're able to do it, then you are raising your rank, you are ascending spiritually. And I think that's a really important thing to keep in mind. Because many times people get stuck, because they are just looking at those horizontal relationships with other people. But when you focus on your relationship with Allah, and think this relationship, whatever it is, maybe it's your spouse, maybe it's your sibling, maybe it's your parents, this relationship could be like a speed elevator to

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Allah, this could be the thing that purifies me this could be the the act that will be accepted by Allah, and how amazing would it be that you face a law and the reason that you're going to join us the reason the doors of Jannah are open wide for you is because you found that in your heart to forgive and forgiving your family member or forgiving your spouse is a it's a huge act. And I know that each and every one of you, I'm sure that you all have someone, someone that you need to forgive. And I really I urge you to do it, do it in the month of Ramadan. And it will it will definitely it will definitely help you because if you are playing that victim role, if you are just

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feeling sorry for yourself, it's not going to get you anywhere. Okay, so I'm here in a professional environment where there's so much competition and sometimes you do get victim of professional jealousy and you know that it remains even after

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Your goodness, does these continuous? Okay?

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So you're talking about I'm sorry, I can't read the rest of the question right now. But I'm just wondering. So you're in a environment where there is competition, and there's jealousy. And that can be very difficult. And you know what that environment is everywhere. I mean, it can be in anything, sometimes, even in volunteering, you go to some massages, and people get a big head about the position of being a volunteer. And it's really sad that that happens that people have to be competitive about petty things. And so being able to overlook that and being able to,

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you know, you want to learn from the mistake, or you want to learn, if someone is constantly like hurting you, you don't want to get burned twice by the same person. So it is really important to be smart about it, it is important to be cautious, where you're not going to be hurt continuously, but also being able to, to let go, being able to let it let it go is a very important thing.

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Are there some more questions, I Oh, can take a few more inshallah about forgiveness about finding forgiveness in your heart, so that you can mend your relationships, especially the relationships with your spouse, because I know that if many of you, if you find it in your heart to do that, you will find that suddenly, you free up your heart, because a lot of times we're so consumed with the thought of being angry at someone the thought of the injustice, and you get so consumed with that, that it may hold you back from developing your relationship further. What about the mosque, you volunteer to help with your resource and time and people have problems with you? Yes, it's it's

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really sad when that happens. And you know, a lot of times with female organizations, unfortunately, these things do occur, it happens with the men as well. But I think that we need to realize why we're doing the things we're doing. It is an act of service. If you have a position your head of volunteers, it's not about having a title. It's about serving your community. And if you if each person purifies their intention, and it's about serving a law and serving the people, then there's no way that that pride can come and take over.

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Can you please shed some light on how to how to forgive your spouse, particularly men being laid back that really drives you? that really drives you insane at times? Okay.

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Okay, so let's see, shed some light on how to forgive your spouse? Well, it's, it's really about focusing on their positive traits, because I'm sure that there is good and bad in each person. And if you're constantly focusing on that negative trait that they have, that is going to drive you crazy. And many times, they may not take the initiative, you may be the one who's always asking you for forgiveness. But you know what, that's just raising your rank, you're just ascending spiritually. And if you can do that for the sake of Allah, then more power to you. Okay. Hopefully, in a healthy relationship, it'll be more mutual, where whoever has wronged the other will step up,

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take ownership and ask for forgiveness. But many times I have seen that there will be one primary peacekeeper. And that's great. If you have that. That's wonderful. Yes, it does add a little bit more pressure on that individual but being able to maintain the household and the marriage, that that's that's a huge reward. Just focus, focus on the goal and the reward at the end. How about when you have a person with two face? Okay.

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That's it's always hard to see hypocrisy. I think that is one of the most challenging things that I deal with, like in doing therapy and seeing that people have many faces and the hypocrisy they may come across as a very,

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very practicing individual outwardly, but then inside the home, they may act totally different with their spouse. And it's very sad. It's very hard. I think, you know, we need to follow the example of the Prophet salallahu alaihe salam, he was given a list of the Manassas, you know, on his journey when he was about to be assassin people from amongst his group. They covered their faces and went to kill him.

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Now he had to live amongst them. And Allah sent the list of the names of the manifest of the hypocrites. How did he treat them? He didn't call them out. He didn't disown them, he didn't blacklist them, he continued to treat them on face value, they're showing themselves as as a Muslim that he treated them as that. So we need to be wise. And we need to keep that in mind when we're dealing with people have to face you, you keep your distance you protect yourself, but you don't call him out on it. All right, I would like to, I would like to know what to do if my husband has left the family again. And he's not telling me where we stand in our relationship. I have been

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having out ongoing issues for a while now. I'm feeling down confused and lonely.

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Okay.

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So this, this is a really serious issue if your husband is taking off and not telling you where he is, and I think it calls on, you need to call on his family members to get involved. And he needs to take ownership, he needs to take responsibility. What is this getting up and leaving the household and not and not letting you know, where where you stand? I think it's important, maybe at this point to to get his family involved and see, he needs to make up his mind. Because being in limbo, like this is just it's not fair. I saw a column I was wondering if I could get your take on the idea of a marriage being romanticized. Our ups and downs fights, arguments, disagreements normal within a

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marriage. Of course, they are of course that there, you know, you're going to have disagreements, of course, there's going to be times that you you may have very opposite views. But it's very different. I don't like to call it fights. I like to see that you have a disagreement. Sometimes when it escalates and people are yelling and screaming and being disrespectful. I don't think that's acceptable in a marriage and a healthy marriage. And if that's happening right now, try to learn how to have a better marriage. I mean, I go into, in my marriage program, the five pillars of marriage. pillar four is all about conflict resolution. And it taught I go extensively into how to resolve a

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problem, how to discuss without ending up in a fight, and if a fight happens, how to deal with that, because a lot of times people will get into a fight and they come and tell me, we haven't spoken for three weeks, I think to myself, how do you live with someone and not talk to them for three weeks. So there are definite steps that can be taken. I don't think it's a matter of romanticizing it. You can have a healthy, loving relationship, if you know how if you learn the rules, if you learn the ways of overcoming difficulties, how to have conflict resolution, I have seen individuals take the program, learn the techniques and apply it in their marriage, and they don't face the same

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obstacles.

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At the end of the day, where we are all working, we are all working progress is Allah May Allah guide us all in solid and solid that we are guided. I'm going to, I'm going to end a little bit early. Thank you so much for tuning in today. inshallah, I will be back on Thursday at 4pm Central. Get I'll take? Let's see one last question.

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What if husband gets instigated by the family, and I am so tired. It's been seven years and now I'm triple negative, I'm triple negative breast cancer patient, and not even once he showed any concern or worry.

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That's very sad. I mean, it sounds like there is just a emotional disconnect. And, and I would really urge you to, to get some help on this. I mean, and even if you're the only one working on the marriage, I always say that in my in my program because many people come into therapy, they just come alone. Many people get the program and they work on themselves, they start making changes, and then their spouse responds to them differently. But this is not a good sign. I mean, if you've you've gotten cancer and your husband can't show any empathy towards you, there is a crisis your marriage is in a crisis. I urge you to get some professional help, maybe seek the the counseling or

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get invest in a program so you can learn how to overcome it. So just like a lot of hair for tuning in to Ramadan remedies for your marriage. inshallah, I will see you Thursday at 4pm Central Salaam Alaikum.