Healing Emotional Wounds

Haleh Banani


Channel: Haleh Banani

File Size: 39.27MB

Episode Notes

HEALING EMOTIONAL WOUNDS presented by Sr. Haleh Banani, M.A. Clinical Psychology, will help you to set aside feelings of hurt and anxiety and move on toward healing your heart and moving beyond the emotion.

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Assalamu aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh who is students, she us and all honored guests. We are so happy to be here again with yet another free webinar and we're so excited to have with us today, sister Halle banana who is such an amazing and inspirational sister who travels internationally speaking about issues of mental health and so many other topics that can improve us in our Deen and in our way of life, our marriage, our personal relationships, and it is our pleasure to have her here today. She will be talking today about killing the emotional wound that all of us experienced in our loss, whether it's with our colleagues, our parents, our in laws, our friends,

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our spouses, or perhaps even our children, we all have these issues in our daily life. The question is, how can we approach them in the right perspective? And how can we solve them and deal with them in the correct Islamic way and that's what she will let us know about today. Just to let you know a little bit more about sister Holly bananas. She has a master's degree in clinical psychology from the University of Houston Graduating magna cum laude. She has over 18 years experience in diagnosing mental and emotional disorders and administrating programs of treatment. She was the first female to host on the program where else badger satellite TV called with Holly which was an amazing program

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which I saw myself talking about the principles of psychology and and his land to help promote

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healthier Muslims and help people to reach their full potential and overcome their challenges. She also conducts many webinars and teaches tools that empower her audience emotionally and help improve their relationships. She also has her own website, halibut annie.com. She's also a published writer and psychologist on the website Muslim matters. So please go by and visit that website. She also has received her a jazzer for retardation in Qur'an with catch wheat from Egypt, study this land by attending intensive programs with many renowned scholars in North America. And she's also highly endorsed by many of our most beloved scholars here in the West, including shape, while the best unit

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she gets to purchase and shake Yes, Riccati. She also recently engaged in an amazing program, which I recommend to all Muslims, like a garment, which is a series that one can help us to develop their skills to be a better spouse, or to understand what marriage is really about before they get married. And based on that she has also developed her own amazing program called the five pillars of marriage. This is going to be coming out soon. So please stay tuned for that. But this should be a comprehensive system, a five week program that will help give practical advice on having a fulfilling marriage and overcoming common issues faced in the marital loss. So please stay tuned for

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that. Now without any further ado, I would like to invite sister Holly banana to take the mic and talk to us today about how can we heal our emotional wounds.

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So now I'm on a coma to live webinar classes. So it's not coming lot here's to say I mean for your introduction and it's a pleasure and an honor to be here at Islamic online university once again. This melodic minor Rahim in 900 illa nasma double winner stainable when I stopped federal when I was a bit let him in shoot ODM personnel. women say to men in a name will follow a model the last one minute and then Tata heavy Allah was shadow and ilaha illallah wa shadow and Mohammed and obviously what

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I'm about, I wanted to share their personal story with you. At the age of 22. I made a decision a very pivotal decision. And that decision is actually not the people in my life. The people that I love most rejected me because of that decision. I was fighting my naps, overcoming my desire and decided to get on the job. I came from a practicing Muslim family. However, this job was not something that was taught to me and it was not something that was accepted by my family. So when I chose to make this very important decision after overcoming all of those, all of the temptations, all of the

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tools from society and coming to that pivotal decision, I was turned away by the people. I love them a lot more. One by one. I remember. My mother was a way she was she was traveling and I called her to give her this very

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special needs, which I thought would make a very happy. And as I called her, and I told her, she reacted in a way that a mother would want that she found out that her that her daughter had had a pregnancy out of wedlock, there was silence it was, there's this belief, and it was actually a disappointment. And I tried to, I tried to struggle with this, with this lack of acceptance, my father thought that I would have become an extremist. By wearing this, he was convinced that I will never be hired, and that I will face a life of difficulty by making the decision and my sister very plainly and frankly, hoping that she didn't want to have that cover around for his job. And one by

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one, I saw the friends that I felt were the closest to fade away and just the part of society was not accepting the job that I worked that which was providing me my income to go to school, hoping that if I don't take the job off, that I will lose my job. And therefore, I would lose my source of income. And everything around me was was falling apart, that supply loss with every rejection, every criticism, I had the strength of attachment, that I have to be people, which made me become so much more independent, every harsh criticism, the rejection, and the pain of rejection, and the pain

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made it easier to go from the external validation, that desire of wanting to be needed, wanting to be accepted, to a more a deeper feeling of internal validation, was getting the acceptance for myself knowing that what I was doing was right now, whether anyone stood beside me or not, did not make a difference to me, I was ready to please my Creator, with or without the support of my family and my plan. And this extreme sense of rejection that I felt was very new experience because it was something I had always thought the love and acceptance from my family and from my friends in some societies. And so this was one of the first has that I experienced, as I became an agent, just

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wanting to give up for the sake of Allah de Sabina line, Allah helps us when we give up something for the sake of Allah, Allah will test us to see how sincere are we are we going to succumb to the first rejection Are we going to give up what we believe in, just because we're not going to be as accepted, we're not going to be as we're not going to be as popular, we're not going to be as accepted by our peers, we're going to be tested by that to see how we're going to how we're going to deal with that. And as I face this rejection, I learned some of the most valuable lessons, I went from being a people pleaser, to being an A love pleaser. I went from depending on that external

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validation, that neediness of wanting that seal of approval from each person, person that I saw, to relying on my own validation, on relying on my own sense of what is right and what is good. And I've handled loss, because I was in tune with my miss my emotional needs, because I tended to the emotional warm that I was experiencing, that rejection was really real and was very deep. And yet I send it to it. And I didn't ignore it. And I use the tools that helped me to overcome it. And because I did that, it helped me not only not to have a negative association, or not to have an A deep wound there, I turned that wound into and I feel that and I have the last extrapolated so many

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life lessons from it, and it made me stronger and better. And so I'm going to share with you some of those same tools, but I wanted to share a personal story with you that I experienced this on my own. And I taught from experience, not just from the 18 years of students therapy with people from around the world and Skype sessions with individuals who have experienced this kind of rejection, abandonment and and all the pain and suffering that people have gone through but also an internal personal struggle that I have gone through on many different levels. Now, if you ask any 10 year old any 10 year old will tell you how

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To deal with, let's say cuts and scrapes and they know the importance of brushing their teeth having personal hygiene, they know that if they break their leg, then they're going to have to go and get a passport. It's known how to deal with these physical injuries. In our society, we put a lot of emphasis on physical injury on physical ailments, if someone has diabetes, if they have heart disease, if they have pneumonia, the first thing they do, they turn to a physician, they go to the doctor, they will go to the ER to get the medical treatment that they need is actually seen as very negligent. If a person has a physical ailment, and they do not address it. If a parent overlooks the

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child's illnesses, it will be seen as a very negligent parent, they will be classified as someone who who is careless. And these 10 year olds can tell you how to deal with cuts and scrapes and broken bone. But what do we teach our kids about emotional wounds? What do we teach them? What do we know about feeling our emotional wounds? And I challenge I challenge you to think about this, as I present each scenario to you, I want you to put yourself in that place and think how would you handle this? How would you handle if someone comes to you clients that they had just lost the person the love of their life? Actually, this year, I had two of my dearest friends who lose their

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husbands. And these were individuals who had beautiful relationships with their spouse, with their spouses, they were soul mates, they were best friends, and losing their loved one was a very painful experience for them. How do you talk to someone? How do you help them cope when they have experienced the ultimate loss? How do you deal with a person

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who has been rejected? I had a client who came to me she was about 21, beautiful girl in Egypt. And she was extremely devastated because her fiance called off the wedding. This was the love of her life. This was her dream man. And she was about to plan the dream wedding. But he called it off. And so when she came to me, she was devastated. She was heartbroken. She was suicidal, she had lost all hope in life. And she thought that life could not go on, because it was not in her life anymore. She just felt like life had no meaning. She had lost her connection with a law because she had just experienced a mother have terminal illness. She had lost the love of water, and she just was

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devastated. So how would you deal with a person that has just been rejected in the most vulnerable situation? And how would you deal with a person when they have shown loyalty, maybe 1520 years of loyalty to their work, maybe to their husbands? And the husband turns around and maybe cheats on them? Or the job that they have been so loyal to working for him for 20 years and fires them fires them without a warning and they have they wish they were providing for their families? How do you mend the broken hearts of people like this? What about individuals who are perpetually in the state of sin? they repent, but they fall back into it? How do you comfort a person? How do you cope with

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their shame, their guilt, their anxieties, you know, I have clients that come to me on a daily basis with some form of addiction. This addiction could be an addiction to pornography. And this is the sisters and brothers they have been sick for the past 10 years. And they feel so discouraged because they they do repent. They do make that commitment, and yet they fall into sin over and over again. It could be that they are in relationship in haraam relationship. And they control themselves for a little while, but then they become weak and then they succumb against other people it's with their addiction to to maybe it's narcotics, maybe it's with smoking, and they just can't control

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themselves and they keep falling into it and they they get into a state of despair. There's a lot of hopelessness they feel like there's there's no use and shaytaan love when a person gets to this hopeless day and he comes really strong because it comes he comes in and he makes you feel like looking at you look at you, you keep repenting. You keep asking for forgiveness.

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You're doing the same thing over and over again, you think you're gonna be forgiven, you're your last day, you're gonna get up and pray when you have done all of this. And he starts coming really strong on the people who fall in and out of sin. And this is when a person is most vulnerable. They're so vulnerable because they feel so ashamed and so bad about this. So how do you comfort a person like that? What do you say to them in order to bring them out of the depths of their darkness to get them out of their sense of hopelessness? What is to be set? And how do these emotional wounds needs to be healed?

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Looks doesn't look we're on putting them in a shape otter regime. Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim, Lena sebbene erotica bill Hekmati. Well nowadays, as in has said a lot of things that invite to the way of your Lord with wisdom and good instruction, tell us telling us we need to use text, we need to have the best mannerism to give the bicycle every one of these scenarios that I have just explained to you. Every scenario is a perfect opportunity. A perfect opportunity for doubt was a perfect opportunity for guidance. And incredible, an incredible way to shed light into someone's life. I mean, this is why I'm so passionate about what I do, because people like that comes to me day in and

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day out. And I find so much pleasure and comfort in the idea and it's the mercy from Allah first and foremost. And it's almost an almost will, that these individuals and hamdulillah come out of their darkness and come out of that misguidance and it's through this. And so we need to look at each of these opportunities, each of these scenarios as an opportunity and and realize that we need to address it, we cannot, we cannot sweep it under the rug anymore. I know that many people feel very uncomfortable with dealing with emotions. I remember

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first conducting a holocaust in in Egypt, where it was a group of international sisters from all over the world. We had sisters from Kenya from Venezuela, Switzerland, Germany, Mashallah lovely group of sisters there, and we would come together and many times, it became like group therapy for someone would share and someone would get emotional, they would start start crying. And, and this, I saw that a lot of people felt very uncomfortable. When it came to a person crying, they wanted to quickly get them to stop crying, and they would tell them, don't cry, don't cry. And they didn't understand how therapeutic it is to go through these emotions, how how essential it is for a person

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to be heard and listened to and comforted. But in the correct way, as you see, we have medicine cabinets, full of remedies for physical ailments. We have the bandages we have the medications, we have appointments, and all the things that we need in order to deal with the cuts and scrapes and, and all of these physical ailments. But we don't have a medicine cabinet for these minor psychological injuries.

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And we realize that we need to realize that by applying these emotional first aid, if we apply emotional first aid to these emotional

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injuries, we will definitely we will see results and things will become so much better. Dr. winch, who is the author of emotional first aid talks about how critical it is to address these emotional wounds as quickly as we as we tend to the physical wounds. And it's just the same way we know that if you don't tend to be to the cuts, then what happens they become infected. If we don't go and get a cast for a broken leg, we know that our bones are not going to heal and we're going to be in pain and we won't be able to walk properly on it. So in the same way we need to apply these emotional first aid because if we address the emotional first aid, that they will not become bigger problems.

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The first example the first example is rumination. Right? It is that feeling that obsessing over the past thinking over and over replaying and I'm sure all of you do this. whether you realize it or not you you set something stupid, you made a big mistake. Maybe you fell into sin. Maybe you hurt someone's feelings and you cannot stop

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You cannot stop replaying this in your mind. And what this does, if you don't address this rumination, it will lead to extreme anxiety.

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And sometimes it is rejection. It is the rejection by your family, people who don't accept you for the changes you have made, maybe you have become more religious, maybe you have made certain ideological changes, and they just don't accept it. Right. So they immediately they reject you. It could be by your colleagues at work and school, sometimes it's the bullying, I have many clients who come in, and they have been tainted by the bullying that exceeds appearance because they did not fit in, they were not like everyone else. And so they are now because they never tended to it because they ignored this emotional wounds. Now, 30 years later, they're in therapy at dressing a wound from

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30 years ago, if they had, they had addressed it, right when it happened, that one would have healed and they would have gone through life with a totally different mentality. I see individuals, when they get their emotional wounds heal what transformation, they go through it as it's as if they have just started a whole new life, they get a new lease on life. So we need to attend to these emotions immediately. If we deal if we deal with them, we see that these psychological stresses can be avoided, if we tend to them immediately, what we can see is that it actually accelerates healing, when it's done right on our right on the spot. And what happens is that with physical with physical

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ailments, we know our physical limitations, let me give you an example. If you get a cut, you can easily look at this cut and say, Well, you know, it's a paper cut, oh, it's no big deal. I'm just going to put a bandaid on it. But if you get a deep cut, you know that you need to get stitches. When I was 10, I was driving with my father, we got into a car accident, I went into the windshield, and my knee went into the dashboard made a hole in the dashboard. I knew right, that was only 10. I knew that I had to get stitches because the cut was so deep, right. But we don't know our limits. When it comes to our psychological wounds. We don't know how deep it is, we don't know whether or

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not we need to get some kind of professional intervention or not. Sometimes the person goes through a divorce. And they don't know is this just normal sadness and loneliness, I'm going to or am I falling into a state of clinical depression, if someone loses a loved one, they don't know if this is the natural stages of grief, or they need to maybe get some help get some emotional health. If someone continuously failed their exam, maybe their graduate exam, they continuously fail it and they start feeling very hopeless and defeated. They they don't know whether that's that's a normal feeling. Or they need to get that intervention. And because we don't know, we don't know the

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limitation. And then what happens is that we end up ignoring our emotional, we just push it aside, we think it's going to go away. It is like a messy closet that you don't want to attend to it's messy and dirty. And so you just close the door, what happens does it magically get organized in there? Absolutely not. It's still a mess, you've just closed the door. Anytime you open it, it's still gonna be there. And that's how I explained it to a lot of my clients that you know, it's not gonna be pleasant. You have to go in there just like a messy closet, he has been he got a discard, you got to throw out a lot of the old stuff, right? A lot of the baggage, a lot of the emotional

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baggage you gotta throw out, you gotta re align, you have to, you know, have a paradigm shift in the way you look at things, get things organized. So sometimes we are an emotional map. And what we've done is that we close the door of this emotional closet of ours, but it's still a map just because we can't see the mess does not mean that it has gone away. And that's really critical to to realize and a lot of times people do not address their emotional issues until it is impairing their function, when it impairs their function, then and only then do they get it addressed. So I had a 22 year old come to me she was one of those overachievers Mashallah she was in full time, full time

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master's program full time work, and she was doing Islamic Studies at all at once and she was ignoring the feelings of depression she was ignoring the anxiety, all of everything, all of those red signs.

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All those red flags are going up the warning signals were on. But what did she do? She ignored it us kind of go away, I just need to finish, I just need to graduate that it doesn't matter. It's not important, I got to be strong. And guess what she had a nervous breakdown, she had a nervous breakdown, because she did not tend to those emotional wounds. And so

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what happens is that when psychological wounds are not tended to, it will get to a point that it will just break us up. Can you imagine a person being bleeding from their chest, they're bleeding, and then they tell you that you know what, maybe maybe in two weeks, I'll go see a doctor. So we tend to those physical ailments, if it's bleeding, we stop the bleeding immediately. Well, there are times when a person may have a broken heart. And that broken heart is as urgent you know, it's like internal hemorrhage, and you have internal bleeding going on, and you're just ignoring it. Well, it's not going to go away. And so this is, I'm going to talk to you about treatments. These are

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treatments that you can administer yourself, it is kind of like a psychological medicine cabinet. Now, I gotta tell you that these are for minor emotional wounds, right? So these remedies that I'm giving you is not going to take the place of working with a psychologist and getting the treatment or going to therapy. But these are basically the first aid kit for the small emotional wounds. Because there are times that you do need that help and assistant in that school from a professional. Now these treatments are self administered, they are it's like a medical kit that we can take throughout life. So we know just those examples that I gave you how to deal with a person who's

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going through loss, how to deal with a person who has been rejected, how do we deal with that in our own life, and we need to take the mental health, mental health hygiene needs to be valued as much as personal hygiene. You imagine a person not showering for a day, can you imagine a person not brushing their teeth for about a month. This is the kind of thing that we tend to because we realize the importance of smelling fresh and having personal hygiene, emotional hygiene is just as important. And you find that people neglected they neglected not just for days or months or years of his life. Whenever someone comes in to see me sometimes it's 2030 years of neglect, and it becomes a

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big issue. So I encourage you to take these treatments and apply them on a daily basis on a daily basis like a cooling bomb on your on the on your wounds. Okay? And Allah says in the for

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the letter ruffler the Iraqi one Anadolu napco de chez Mina, Sophie, one Jew, are you one of them? And I'm wondering when was the last time at all? Well bat* is fought Eddie, let us say be sure that we shall test you with something of fear of hunger, some Lawson good or lives or foods that give glad tidings to those who are patient. Now we're tested we know that we're tested with sometimes people lose their job, they might get a an illness, they may get a divorce. There's all for financial issues that they may have. Right? But we also are tested emotion, we are tested emotionally and how is that we may feel rejected. We may feel that we are stuck in the past and we

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can't move on. We may feel so anxious about the future. What does the future hold financially? How am I going to make it? Who's going to marry me? How am I going to how am I going to make it How are my kids going to survive? We think about all these things and we are we are tested by the emotion of loneliness. So one by one I'm going to address some of the most common The most common emotional wounds and give you some of the remedies inshallah. The first one is rejection. rejection is emotional cut, scrapes, really light. These are the cuts and scrapes of daily life and they care our emotional skin and it causes bleeding. And this is the most common both and it starts off in

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childhood right. In childhood. People exclude you from a group they don't invite you to a party. There might be you lose some friends, maybe you're not picked to be on on a team. You may be teased and bullied.

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For your look for your ethnicity, or your race, whatever it is, and this is so common, now we can survive all that we survived the childhood bullying, and we survive all that rejection, but then we come into adulthood it's not over, it is not over it is just begun and it becomes even more intense, right? You get that rejection you go for, you apply for a school, you may be rejected for the school you apply for you may be rejected by the person you're interested to getting married to, they reject you, the opposite gender rejects you, it could be your family, your friends, each of us may be rejecting you because of your beliefs because of your choices, because of your because of your life.

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So we go through that kind of rejection throughout our life, it doesn't matter, it does not end, and it clears away at us right?

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Now, some of these rejections could be like a paper cut, it could be just a very slight feeling of being left out or excluded, and some of them could be likely.

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Remember, I told you about the wound that needs to have, it's kind of like foods that need to have stitches. So we need to be able to recognize which is good, which one is going to fade away, we're going to quickly get over it and which one is going to leave that deep scar in our heart. Now, when we deal with this kind of rejection, the rejection elicit emotional pain, that is, oh, straw is so strong that it affects our thinking. And it erodes our self confidence, I see individuals that they have been rejected, like that client I told you about that was 22. She was rejected, she got to a point that she was suicidal. So I had to bring her back, I had to help her, rebuild her self esteem,

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realign her priorities, get back on track, get that connection with Allah in order to overcome that feeling of rejection. Now, the first day treatment for rejection, briefing. First, you have to managing your self criticism, managing self criticism half. Now it's very important to be introspective to reflect on ourselves what we did good, what we did bad, we definitely need to do this. And it's very, very recommended. And it's admirable. However, people take it to the extreme, what do they do? They they look in themselves, and all we do is criticize, they are very, very, very harsh on themselves. And this is they give themselves a personal beating. So we need to manage that

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we need to be aware of what's happening. So three aspects of managing self criticism. One is we we cannot over personalize it. Don't say anything. So personally. And I know that this is something that I had to this is something that I had to learn

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on my own. And I remember, being a therapist, I'm very much in tune to other people's emotional states. And I, I love getting them from a bad place to a much better, healthier, happier place. So I I cannot tune someone out. I cannot ignore that when I see it so blatantly in front of me. And I see that sometimes within within my family member. And what I have to learn is not to person, someone is angry for someone who's disappointed or someone who's frustrated, I cannot automatically assume that it's because of me. And once I learned that once I learned that it is not personal, they're dealing with their own personal demons, they are dealing with their own issues. Maybe they have something

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that they're regretting or upset or anxious about them. It's about them. It's not always something personal. When you realize that then you can cope much better. Right? When you go and you go and the cashier is really rude to you don't immediately think oh, I know it's Islamophobia. They are out to get me they're against me.

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It could be that they just had a fight. They just had a fight with their spouse, they're in a really bad mood, right? The dose of personalized the bad behavior of others and don't personalize Like what? how others treat you. The second thing is don't over generalize, don't over generalize when we when you're criticizing yourself. So sometimes people make these blanket statements of I always fail, right? I can never do anything, right? Well, there's a lot of things you do, right? And you have to acknowledge that because if you over generalize, and you beat yourself up, that's not gonna get you anywhere. So you got to be really clear and very fair. And this is the next point is that

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you need to have

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Time, then you need to have self kindness. And

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when you are evaluating your role and no rejection, yes, we need to see, maybe I did something to cause this definitely that's important introspection is necessary. But don't beat yourself up. The first aid treatment for rejection is managing your self criticism, right? And then the second thing, revive your self worth, you have to realize that, that you are a valuable person, you cannot undermine yourself and make a list, I suggest for you to make a list of five characters, that you value in yourself that you think these are my areas of strength. Now, I do this to some clients, and they can't come up with five things that they like about themselves, because they're so busy beating

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themselves up, I tell them, tell me, what is it that's good about you, and come up with maybe maybe one thing that I challenge you to come up with five characteristics that are saw that are beneficial, and that you feel is a source of strength, and you have to basically revive yourself for So first, you manage the self criticism, you're not so harsh on yourself, you don't over personalize, you don't over generalize, and you're kind to yourself, and then revise yourself for us realize what your strengths are. And then it is about connecting socially. When you connect to people on a on a social socially with people, then what happens is that that refuse it refuse how

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you feel about yourself. So don't withdraw just because someone rejected you don't withdraw from everyone else. Now, so we talked about rejection, which was is usually the most painful and the remedies for that. Now. It's about how to deal with people who dwell in the past, right? And why do people dwell on the past? Why are they stuck in the past, I have found in doing the therapy that one of the main reasons people dwell on the past is because of their own personal mistakes, personal mistakes, maybe they got involved with committing a sin, or maybe they fell into having a girlfriend or boyfriend, maybe they were as a parent, they overreacted, the gal who did all the all of the

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things that they they're ashamed of, they feel embarrassed, they're not, they're not happy about what they did. And this,

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they cannot forgive them. So they are stuck. Sometimes people can forgive other people, but they cannot forgive themselves. And I see a lot of people stuck in this situation. I can't forgive myself, like I just understood stuff. I can't I just like did a very huge mistake. But we have to realize that Allah is most forgiving, the door of repentance is always open. And if you underestimate the ability of Allah forgiving you, when you if you are limiting a law, and his ability to forgive, that is even a bigger sin that's bigger than the sin that you're worried about. Right? So and another circumstance that people can't forgive is that the mistakes of others, like

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they're thinking of all it is, is this friend betrayed needs family members, maybe they there was some form of oppression dealt with a lot of people who have some kind of abuse, whether it was a verbal, physical, sexual abuse, and they can't let go of that they cannot feel any sense of they can not find it in their heart to forgive and they can't let go. And these grudges and these feelings of hurt, they don't go away. Like I would say, and I always say that the theme song theme song for therapy is medical, right? Let go of the page, let go of the hurt and be evil to move on with your life because all of this is going to weigh you down. It's going to be like an anchor. Drag every

00:39:04--> 00:39:46

hurt every pain, every criticism, you drag this around with you. No wonder people are clinically depressed. Right? Because they just cannot let go. They can't forgive others and they can't forgive themselves. They have to realize that everything that happens in life happens because there's there's a hidden bias. And this is what I try to explain to my clients who happen to be the people who have been abandoned or people who have been bullied to the extreme. It's not pleasant. It's not nice. I'm not telling you. I'm not belittling it. I am not telling you that it's not painful, but we have to realize that there is a master plan here right? You may not like it but it's good for you

00:39:46--> 00:39:52

and this is a little less of wasa tech brabbu Shay

00:39:53--> 00:39:54

Pharaoh's like

00:39:57--> 00:39:59

to shake my shoulder

00:40:00--> 00:40:02

Like, Oh, well, we are level one

00:40:04--> 00:40:48

level. But it is possible that you use this like a thing. Maybe that thing is the illness, maybe that thing is the rejection. Maybe that thing is the fact that your family is not expecting you. But it's good for you. Why is it good for you, because this is what Allah is using to help you to rebuild yourself to gain that sense of independence, so you're not so so rely, you're not relying on the people, you're relying on a lot. And then you may love a thing, which is bad for you, you may love the idea of getting married to this person, but it doesn't happen. And that's because Allah wants to teach you, parchment. And maybe this is about becoming closer to Allah, right. And they are

00:40:48--> 00:41:36

things that a lot of you don't know. So just becoming aware of that. That means that there is wisdom in everything that happened, I picked up that name of allah totally has transformed my life. And it helps me to transform other people's by for struggling, because life is not easy. And it's not there was no promise that this life is going to be a paradise, right. And this dunya is designed to break your heart, it is designed that way. And so once you come to terms with that, and you accept it, then you no longer going to be upset and frustrated and complaining all the time. Because you know, you know when you're in for you realize that and so you accept it. And you extrapolate lessons and

00:41:36--> 00:42:12

you move on. Now, the next issue that people deal with is anxiety by anxious about the future, people are always thinking about what's next in their life. If they haven't gone through school, they haven't gone through college and thinking about oh my god, what am I going to do in college? What am I going to do about my degree? What am I going to get married? How am I going to provide for my family? When am I going to have kids? How my kids going to grow up? Are they going to get married? Are they going to have kids and worries go on and on and on. And that's why almost doesn't suffer? I'd love to follow up now.

00:42:13--> 00:43:08

That the cabin that we have certainly created Nan hardship, this is it. This is our state and the sooner we come to terms with that, the better we'll be able to cope. So all of these worries, there's no end in sight. So we have to see what is the remedy? First and foremost, is that connection with our last slide, please realize that it is happening for a reason like and putting our trust in Allah. Allah says in the wapo No, Hassan Allahu when am I lucky? sufficient for us? is a loss. Do you demonstrate you demonstrate that a lot of sufficient for you? Are you truly putting your trust in Allah, about your future, about your problems, about the things that you cry about?

00:43:08--> 00:43:51

And you're making you off? Are you really putting your trust in Allah or somewhere deep down in your heart, you feel like you're not really being heard through the eyes really not being answered, I am going to make this go off. But it's not like it's going to get me anywhere. Because if you don't have that, if you don't have that sincerity, if you don't have that yet been the certainty to not go off is not going to be like that we see with the process. Because of their yummy. The miracles happen, because of the pain of musalla has allowed the Red Sea parted he was against a ferocious army, he has to see behind him. But he as everyone was giving, I was like, Well, that's it, we're

00:43:51--> 00:43:57

dead. We're dead meat, right? But he didn't give up just like Allah is with us.

00:43:58--> 00:44:38

And because he didn't falter because he had that deep conviction. That's when a miracle happened, the Red Sea parted. So in our lives, we have to realize that we have to have that trust, we have to have that pain, you have to know that Allah is with us. And once we have that, then we're not going to feel that sense of loss. And so from a psychological perspective, we need to be mindful of the presence. So mindfulness is right now you know, it is a buzzword. So it's something we've been studying about like within psychology for years and years of how important it is to be aware and actually in a slump.

00:44:39--> 00:44:59

It's amazing how much psychology is embedded in in the south as I was doing my studies, I was like, I was just amazed. It is completely into fine and you find that Allah has us in the public holidays. Salah teaches us about mindfulness because every act that we do, we need to have an intention to

00:45:00--> 00:45:45

Can't have an intention. If you're not mindful. I was just in a group and we have come up with a group, a friend of mine started it. And it's all about intention. And that was one of the things I brought up is that the prerequisite to having a good intention is being mindful, you have to be aware, you have to be in the present, and they here and now in order to even make that intention, right. So we need to be mindful, we need to live in the present and not be worried about some hypothetical situation. I had a six year old client, who was constantly creating hypothetical situations to worry about, oh, what if my wife gets into a car accident? What if my business gets

00:45:45--> 00:45:53

wired? What if I get bankrupt? What is my business process? What if my home What if there's a hurricane, and I said,

00:45:54--> 00:46:19

this is you are you are torturing yourself, you are administering your own torture, with all of these hypothetical situations, you need to stop, be in the presence right now and have the lead, there's no tornado, there's no hurricane, no accident. So be in the present, enjoy the present. Like, if that happens, you cope with it. So you don't create all these things in your mind, and wonder why you're in a state of panic.

00:46:20--> 00:46:37

So being mindful, second thing is deep breathing, I find that most people don't know how to breathe at the shallow breathing, which leads to a lot of anxiety, the way you breathe, and I want you to try this with me right now. breathing through your nose,

00:46:39--> 00:46:40

hold it

00:46:43--> 00:46:44

and release the

00:46:46--> 00:46:54

key, and you have to be able to hear yourself, exhale, okay. So once again, depressive,

00:46:56--> 00:46:57

all this.

00:46:59--> 00:47:01

And release but loud,

00:47:03--> 00:47:50

you have a wonderful field that will help you with your anxiety, right? You have to realize that Allah does not burden you with more than what you can handle by Allah says, you can live long enough son in law is not going to burden you. So if you're dealing with the stress, your kids are giving you a hard time your your parents are giving you a hard time your spouse is the one that is your task, whatever financial situation health situation you have, you know what I love believe Allah knows that you can handle it. And this, for me is the most comforting thing because I find myself a lot of times, taking on so many things all at once. And I feel that this is happening is because

00:47:50--> 00:47:56

Allah knows that I can handle it inshallah. And this could be very, very motivating if we keep this in mind.

00:47:57--> 00:47:59

Okay, now, the

00:48:00--> 00:48:08

last one I'm going to talk to you about the last emotional wound is loneliness, by loneliness.

00:48:10--> 00:49:00

Despite despite the unprecedented global human connection, right, with social media that we have more people than ever are seeing and suffering from severe loneliness. So they're surrounded by people surrounded, whether it's at work, people are surrounded with their colleagues, their home, surrounded by family, and they go to the massages all of these people, but yet, there's so much loneliness that they are suffering. I had an incident when I was traveling to Houston, I was going to give a talk on domestic violence. And the night before I was traveling with someone who was not even a client, someone reached out to me, I don't know someone from the farm. He reached out to me

00:49:00--> 00:49:12

saying, sister, you're my last hope. I have. I'm so lonely. I want to kill myself. And she even had the rope behaviors of she's right there in the room. I suppose your family

00:49:13--> 00:49:44

staring the next room during the next room. The family, the Mother, the Father, the sister, whoever it is, they were right there. And they had no connection. They had no concern. And she was reaching out to a complete stranger saying save me. I don't want I'm thinking about killing myself. I how desperate is that? How sad is that for our for us the state of our oma how has our families

00:49:45--> 00:49:59

fallen apart? You know everyone is on their electronic device. And they're so consumed with their laptop. They're so consumed with their iPod and iPad and iPhone. They don't even know what state

00:50:00--> 00:50:47

Their family members in a family member could be in the next room about the hang of themselves. And they don't even know. They don't even don't even bother to go and knock on the doors, check on them. How you doing? How is your day? There's no exchange, there is no exchange. They don't ask good questions. Right? It's about asking the right questions from our loved ones. Is there someone troubling you? Is there? it? Do you have any problems? Are you facing challenges? What was and we always go through this routine, when I pick up the you know, and pick up the kids from school? Or once they come home from school asking them? You know, not just how was your day? What what was?

00:50:47--> 00:51:29

What was a funny event? What was a challenging it? Or was there something that was difficult about today? What did you learn? What, how did you add value, and that's my favorite. I always say, you know, if you are going to school for eight hours a day, your life, your presence, there better leave a value, you better be adding life. And so we're not making these connections. And because we're not asking as parents, we're not asking as kids we're not sharing. As we go to the massages, we pray next to someone we don't even know their name, we don't care to know their name, oh, they don't look like us, oh, they're not the same as visit, oh, they're not of the same race. Oh, they don't look,

00:51:29--> 00:52:18

the way I look, oh, they're not dressed in the proper head job, the way I'm dressing the proper hitch up, there's all this judgment and, and disunity, oh, they have a different step than me, they practice a different way, I am rejecting them. And I'm only seeking clothes of myself, only people who have the same theological, they're my ecological cloth. Those are the people I accept, and what happens to the other 99.5% of the people that I'm rejecting. So because of that we are completely lonely in our society, in our home. So we need to really address this. Because this loneliness, you cannot imagine the effect that loneliness is associated with clinical depression, suicidal thoughts,

00:52:18--> 00:52:19

sleep disturbances.

00:52:25--> 00:53:02

And it will affect it will cause high blood pressure, it really affects our general health, it will cause high blood pressure, high cholesterol, lower immunity, decreased attention and concentration. Now what's really interesting when I was doing this research, I was floored by this finding that loneliness has the same long term negative effect on our physical health as cigarette smoking. You imagine that it shaves years off your life expectancy. So if you're feeling lonely, you better do something about it. Because it's having the same negative effect.

00:53:03--> 00:53:17

As smoking you may be so like, Oh my god, smoking is far off. I don't want to do this. I'm healthy. I don't want to harm myself like yet this loneliness is killing you, slowly killing you. And so we need to realize that

00:53:18--> 00:53:35

it affects it's like smoking two packs of videos, when you smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, at least we know we're harming ourselves, right. But when we're feeling this loneliness, we don't even we're not even aware of it, right. But it affects the way we perceive ourselves. It affects our

00:53:36--> 00:53:37

outlook on others.

00:53:40--> 00:53:42

It affects our relationships.

00:53:43--> 00:54:00

And it affects how others perceive us. Because if we're starting to feel lonely and more negative and more pessimistic or harsh, then people are going to kind of back away from us, they're going to feel like this person is alone or this person is too harsh, and makes us less interesting.

00:54:01--> 00:54:50

Now, the general treatment guideline I'm going to share with you is that first of all, we need to change this perception, which leads to all these negative self defeating behavior, right? This idea of you know, a lot of times the self talk is all about, oh, no one cares about me. I'm all alone. And everyone is bad. Everyone is selfish. This is really defeating. It's totally defeating and inaccurate, right. And a lot of times worth keeping people away from us because of our behavior because of our demeanor. If we just loosen up if we're a little bit kinder, a nice initiate, we find that people are open and receptive. But because we have this negative reception, everyone's out to

00:54:50--> 00:55:00

get us everyone's rude. Everyone's need everyone's against me, then that's going to make us why we're going to feel more we're going to ask

00:55:00--> 00:55:41

For a loop towards people and people are not going to approach us. So we need to challenge these negative perception, we need to challenge it. And we need to realize that identifying these self defeating behavior, what are the behaviors that are self defeating the fact that we withdraw, right? We had an individual that I remember suffering through depression, and she would not allow anyone and she wouldn't even answer phone calls, she would not open the door when people would go to her house. And this would keep reaffirming, so people what would happen, they would do it once, twice, three times. And then finally, they're like, well, I guess she doesn't want us to be there. So they

00:55:41--> 00:55:52

would stuff. And that would reaffirm the fact that no one cares about that it was her own self defeating behaviors and withdrawing that caused her.

00:55:53--> 00:56:37

It causes people to go away from home. And we need to create a lot of opportunities for social interaction. You know, so many times I've moved to different countries and I, I go to a country, I went to Dubai and I there was hardly anyone that I knew there. I moved to Egypt and lived there for six years. I know anybody there. And I just, when I immersed myself in the social scene, I immersed myself into halaqaat nppa, in the schools in the community in order to provide opportunities for connection within those social connections. If we're sitting at home, locking ourselves inside our room, and we're not interacting, we wonder why am I feeling so depressed? Well, it's because we are

00:56:37--> 00:56:50

social beings. And we need that interaction. I challenge you that if you are feeling this kind of this kind of loneliness, reevaluate the way you're thinking and the way you're behaving.

00:56:52--> 00:57:36

So remove these negative tinted glasses, remove the negative tinted glasses. And, and and just try to reach out. So I talked about how important it is to address our emotional wounds and how important it is, is just as important as our physical wounds, just like we wouldn't ignore someone's heart disease, or pneumonia or kidney failure or diabetes, he can't ignore their emotional problems, whether it's rejection, whether it's loneliness, whether it's this swelling or ruminating, don't ignore it, it's not going to go away. And if you don't address it, it is going to erode your self esteem, it is going to create anxiety.

00:57:37--> 00:57:42

But if you address it immediately, it will accelerate the healing

00:57:43--> 00:58:32

process. And these are things these are vices psychological medicine cabinet, these are things you can apply yourself self administered, you can do it to yourself, you can do it to your loved one. But you also have to recognize when the cut is too deep, and you need a professional. So I I do Skype therapy sessions online, and I see the effects. Sometimes within a few sessions, three, four sessions, people get that emotional wound that has been hurting them for years, sometimes 2030 years, suddenly, it goes away. And then they have this nice life. And I encourage all of you to tend to this hensley's emotional, a lot of times emotional wounds, it's from a breakup, maybe it's your

00:58:32--> 00:59:23

marriage, maybe it's from a divorce, and inshallah like PTSD said, I'm doing a program, the five pillars of marriage like the five pillars of Islam and the five pillars of marriage. And this is a comprehensive focus from that will in sha Allah give you that support to help you deal with any kind of emotional wounds that you may have come from these relationship issues. So that whole affair for your attention for your time, I do feel that it's a privilege to have this platform to share with you and I really pray that each person can can and will lead to their emotional feelings so don't ignore it. Don't ignore those emotional wounds whether you're experiencing it or your loved ones

00:59:23--> 00:59:36

that are experiencing it. These addresses these give it the time the importance of stay connected and attend to it as soon as possible to avoid it from becoming bigger wounds and bigger issue.

00:59:37--> 00:59:38


00:59:41--> 01:00:00

I do appreciate everyone tuning in today Mashallah. We had a great turnout. And it's wonderful to see the excitement and enthusiasm Mashallah of students coming in and being excited on a you know, your weekend you could be doing so many other things. So I think it's

01:00:00--> 01:00:09

It's wonderful that you put the time and effort into learning this, I think it's something that really is needed, we really do need to start becoming in tune.

01:00:10--> 01:00:20

We really need to be in tune with these emotional needs. And I'm just waiting for some of your questions if there's anything that I can help you with, if you have

01:00:24--> 01:00:25

if you have some concern.

01:00:26--> 01:01:12

Okay, I see a question here, sister, hello, how can we deal with the emotional wounds of abuse from one or both parents? How do we forgive them? How do we move forward? And how do we prevent ourselves from aging into behavior critical, I think it's important to realize that there was abuse, and then to stop this cycle of abuse is critical, because this is there, there is always that cycle, whenever someone has been abused, you start reflecting on their childhood, and you find that they experienced the same thing. So it's just through imitation. Now, this is one of those emotional wounds that have been been cut very deep, right? It's not one of those that you can just self administer and do like

01:01:12--> 01:01:56

patch up or if this is something that I would recommend getting help and getting a professional that can be used through this, I've seen so many individuals who have had that kind of abuse, whether it was like I said verbal, emotional, psychological, or even sexual, unfortunately, and there is a methodology, there is a way it's very expensive for me to get into right now. However, it it goes to part of it I mentioned, as far as accepting the puzzles that are needed, there is a wisdom, even though it was very painful, very difficult. Whenever I asked my clients who have been abused, I asked them, you know, what, what came out of it for you, and they start actually listing the fact

01:01:56--> 01:02:38

that, you know, they became stronger, they're more maybe compassionate, they're more aware, maybe they're more, you know, they want to become a better parent. So finding the wisdom, and forgiving, I have a TV show on forgiveness on YouTube. And I do recommend watching that because I had a client who, who went through the abuse and she couldn't afford the therapy. So I recommended watching that program, it's on forgiveness on YouTube under my name and date and it goes into detailed explanation on how to have forgiveness because you cannot move on until you forgive and then learning the correct methodology. So you know, maybe your parents dealt with or

01:02:39--> 01:03:09

dealt with abuse because they didn't know any other way. So you need to learn the correct methodology of dealing with your kids. And definitely you can end the cycle of abuse and I've seen that happen and I always I'm so I'm so I'm so impressed by those individuals who have been abused and then they stop it because the natural thing is to continue but once you learn, and you stop it's the most impressive thing Mashallah.

01:03:13--> 01:03:40

A lot and a lot starts Allah help every single Muslim to overcome abuse and also to see abusing, I have a very serious question here for you sister Halla rape, please tell me how to deal with this trauma, especially if it happened in the childhood. And I'd also like for you to elaborate on how to deal with that, once you're married, I'm sure you have experienced dealing with these issues issue is is like sexual abuse.

01:03:44--> 01:03:52

She says it's a rape. She doesn't define whether it was a sexual abuse from a relative or neighbor that she died that doesn't say,

01:03:53--> 01:04:40

first of all, I want to tell you that I feel for you and and I want you to know that you're not alone. The number of clients that I have that have been either molested or sexually abused. It's so very common, unfortunately, and, and within our Muslim community, and it's really, people are not aware. I know when I raise awareness and I talk about it, people feel very uncomfortable and they they are in denial. They don't realize that this is happening in our communities. It's happening sometimes mainly within the family, people that we love and we trust and are spending time with our kids are the ones who have access to our data who end up abusing that we want to keep a watchful eye

01:04:40--> 01:04:55

if you can't get over this, I'm sure that it has to apply to but again, this is one of those rules that has discussed the need to address it. talk it through with the professional and try to understand and

01:04:56--> 01:05:00

PTSD then you go through this. Post to that

01:05:00--> 01:05:49

Stress Syndrome and finding finding it very difficult not sure when someone approaches you, maybe your spouse has so many relationship or harm because of because of the past experiences. But I have seen individuals cope with it, which is overcome, and then move on. Now, if you're not able to get let's see the professional help individuals get self help books on how to overcome this kind of abuse and, and just just make sure you address it. Don't think that it will go away and don't, don't feel ashamed and Don't blame yourself can be my advice to you that Don't blame yourself. And this was something upon a loss, a horrible thing that happened. But now it's in your past and you can

01:05:49--> 01:05:52

overcome it. And that you're not alone. I'm sure.

01:05:54--> 01:05:54


01:05:55--> 01:05:58

need to get the help.

01:06:04--> 01:06:50

Yes, we have several questions including Maria three here wanting to know how to seek additional help through appointments and such. Please go to her website. I did post that in the beginning. And I will repost her site now for you so that you can seek out an appointment and discuss that with her from that venue. I just reposted that for you. It's how even n.com sister Holly, we also have another question about how do we get over missing someone a several different questions that came in from different perspectives such as, you know, maybe, as you mentioned in the lecture, you get rejected from a proposal, you're divorced, but you never got over, you know your ex? How do you get

01:06:50--> 01:07:41

over these feelings of missing someone that you know that you will not be able to have emotionally to lose someone or to be rejected in some way. And it really I think it's really important to build your connection with Allah has that as an opportunity like this disconnection was cut. So you want to strengthen your relationship with Allah. And as you get closer to Allah, and understanding the wisdom behind it, I think people can get over, they get fixated on what happened, how did it happen? Why did and and that gets. So even so trouble, right? But if you realize that it was not meant to be like this was not meant to be and I had an individual actually the it was it was the reverse of the

01:07:41--> 01:07:56

story. It did. The the lady broke it off. And the man was devastated. And he just, he couldn't move on. And I said, Well, what if you fast forward in your life? Okay, fast forward your life. And you saw 10 years

01:07:57--> 01:08:18

10 years into the future, this person that you're finding over right now, you're heartbroken? What if they somehow Was this something very devastating to you? What if they ended up you know, maybe leaving a slum or doing something horrific? Just say the way they were raising the kids? Are they lazy?

01:08:19--> 01:08:59

He was just thinking about possibilities of things that could have gone wrong. At that moment, when you're watching the movie, you would no longer be crying and saying, Oh gosh, why did I miss? Like, why did I lose him or lose her beauty thinking, Oh, I have the law. Allah save me from this, right. But we never think about that scenario, we never think about the possibility that Allah is protecting us. From the person who's not in our life right now, we always think oh, would have been perfect than ideal. And now I can have the love of my life. And I think we have to be just very realistic about it. And realize that everything that happens, it's part of a large master plan. And

01:08:59--> 01:09:44

once you realize that, and once we like the wisdom, and and then try to make new connections, half that social support, don't isolate yourself, because it's very common for people to isolate themselves when and when the relationship goes sour. It's just that feeling of the depression sets in and people want to withdraw from society. So be very aware of that. Try to make those social connections, happier, the sisterhood, the Brotherhood, and also look forward to a new relationship, something that will have a local blessing and something that inshallah will be a part of your your destiny because we spent too much time dwelling over what could have been and then we missed out on

01:09:44--> 01:09:47

the opportunity of what actually is right in front of us.

01:09:51--> 01:10:00

Thank you so much for that answer. We have another question about how to get over the betrayal of a loved one. I think you did talk about this a little bit in

01:10:00--> 01:10:37

In the lecture, but she says that the person promised to marry me that ended up marrying someone else wasted my family's time broke my heart, and you know how to get over the pain of regret that I was talking to you about is that if it didn't happen, then it wasn't meant to be right. And it's, and it's very hard, it's hard to be betrayed. Sometimes that betrayal, I'm going to extend it to, you know, being betrayed by your, by your spouse in a marriage, right. And it's very hard to rebuild that trust. And I think this is one of those things that needs to be addressed. Because if you don't address it, you're always going to have this trust issue, and the next person comes into your life,

01:10:37--> 01:11:08

you're going to just do that they're gonna break your heart, and it's gonna be awful. So it's really important to address these emotions, and, and do books, let it go. And I know it takes time. And And trust me, sometimes it is a mercy from a law that we forget, as as time progresses, I really think that that is a mercy. Because at and get yourself involved, I think one of the remedies for a lot of these

01:11:09--> 01:11:54

psychological and emotional wounds, one of the remedies that I didn't mention in my thoughts is volunteering, volunteering, give to others, get involved, go to the visiting hospitals, orphanages, give to the poor, whatever it is that you do this will consume you with such positive, positive acts of altruism, that you won't have time to dwell over those things. Because the enemy of a person going through a loss, the enemy is loneliness. I mean, it's free time. Sorry, it is free time. If you have too much free time on your head, then definitely, you're going to become more and more depressed. But if you become proactive, you start getting to the community volunteer, and you do all

01:11:54--> 01:12:02

of these things. This, you will start rebuilding and rebuilding your heart and dealing with that emotional wounds.

01:12:07--> 01:12:39

That was so consoling, we have a completely different type of question. Now. One of the sisters is saying that her father, for some reason, she doesn't specify why withdrew from the Muslim community, he's not socializing. He's not talking to people in the masjid. And because of this, it's causing huge social issues for the mother for the siblings, for everyone in the family. So she says she's tried to encourage and please, you know, Father, we would like for you to become active with the community again. But she's not really responding.

01:12:40--> 01:13:28

Whenever we're giving advice to family members is a delicate situation, especially if it's a child to a parent, usually parents are not receptive to getting that advice. And I think that it's very important to maybe get a get someone involved, maybe someone in the community that he looks up to the specs, maybe an older family member, to just find out. First of all, you have to recognize what Westlaw like maybe he was rejected, maybe maybe he had an idea and he was completely rejected. Maybe he's done something that needs to be the shaved off, and he can show his face. Unity, there's a multitude of reasons why someone would draw like that, I think, number one is to get to the to the

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bottom of it and find out why. Why has to withdraw and both cycles is not going to open up to why sensitivity hasn't yet done so. So at some point maybe to get an elder as a family or someone that you trust, maybe a mom to take time to talk to him. And then it all has to be through indirect bite, you have to give advice to your family members indirectly. Direct advice, a nasty hack is usually rejected, especially when it comes from a child to a parent. So if you can provide maybe maybe lectures to laying around maybe notes, maybe book something that can give him this indirect

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advice. And given that guidance without being so direct. I think that would be that would be helpful. Because until you know what caused them to withdraw, you can't really help. Right? So we need to get to the bottom of the issue.

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Okay, sister Hello. We have one question here on behalf of a friend. She says that her friend just recently got married and it was an arranged marriage. And unfortunately, the husband doesn't care about her at all. She doesn't give her time doesn't talk to her. He's ignoring her. He doesn't spend time with her. And she's crying literally all day overbearing. What advice can you give her mother attention and she's crying all day.

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Okay, all right. Okay. So he's just totally ignoring her scenario. I think sometimes, that's the challenge of having these arranged marriages, sometimes they work out beautifully. I've had clients that have been in arranged marriages and, and it works out. And then there are times that there's a complete clash, because there's, there's nothing they have in common, a physical emotional connection, there's no communication. And she really needs to evaluate the significance early on in the marriage. And this is happening. And I would say that this is kind of a warning sign, right? And you have to really,

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you have to open up the lines of communication, as far as it is, it is, it is very essential to try to find out what the issues are, if there's something that is bothering him, I always think that, you know, we need to, we don't want to just put a band aid light on, even though we're talking about first aid, right, emotional first aid, but we don't want to put a bandaid on these emotional you want to, you want to really get to the core and find out what's happening what, what is causing him to be so withdrawn. It might be like I said, with one of the issues, I said, don't be don't take it. So personally, we will be struggling, maybe maybe baby has like financial struggles, maybe his

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family's pushing him and putting too much pressure, it's very hard for me to give advice like this, because I don't know, all the details, which are so critical in wanting to help a person going through this, they really need to get it addressed. They need to have a lot of a lot of these questions needs to be answered as far as the whys in the house in order to come up with a solution. So

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and what I would advise that if there's so many issues going on right now, and it's the beginning of the marriage, I don't foresee it getting any better if there's no line of communication. And sometimes we'll have to really evaluate that to see what you're all put your effort and maybe get family members involved, maybe get professional help do whatever it takes to salvage the marriage, I mean, I definitely recommend that. But also you have to be aware that if you're not doing that, if you're not making enough first, and you just leave it as is, it's just going to be scary, even more. So. And if it deteriorates more and you get children involved, then it's not going to be an ideal

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scenario. So I really see this as a warning sign and try to get it addressed in the best you can because right now, I don't have enough enough information to be able to answer that.

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Okay, this is our last question. And it's actually such an important question. She says that, how do you advise someone who blames himself or has self hatred to an extent which leads them to do self harm, such as cutting themselves, or to keep talking incessantly about this

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issue of self hatred, each time feeling deeper feelings of sadness, and also, on this same topic are promised everybody that I would ask you to make a statement about and talk about the new phenomena that is happening with the youth about cutting themselves over, you know, ma Hussain, leaving his band and literally cutting his name into their arm? This is a very serious and disturbing trend. So they're both sort of related. And can you please call out those two issues. to end our session today, please offer them on self loading, whether whether it's the season anorexia, whether it is

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the self mutilation, all of these edits stems from childhood, I think a lot of times, these individuals have parents or caretakers who really didn't acknowledge them may have said some really hurtful words to them that may have been some form of abuse, or something has happened in their life that makes them hate themselves. And I think that this is something that can definitely be addressed. I've seen a lot of individuals that I've worked with go from self hatred, to actually accepting and loving themselves, but it's, again, it's one of those it's a process that you have to first acknowledge that you have to acknowledge that there is a problem recognizing it not benign yet

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recognize that this is a big issue, hating yourself and what is this? What is the root of it? Is it just because you committed a sin or is it because of what your parents said? Is it because you know that a mistake or whatever it is, you have to you have to come to terms with it and nothing comes out of beating yourself up or nothing comes

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Out of this cutting, I mean, this is completely unacceptable. Because it is this body, your life, your everything is in a minor it's given to you in life. And I remember when I had my first, my first son, I bought him off, I thought that you know how much of an amine and like I had never felt that sense of someone's life in a mine is so much good. And I sometimes feel that we have more sense of responsibility for other people's lives than our own bias somehow we think we can reduce ourselves, we can do all these things. And if someone another example I use someone's lens, their their car and let's say they give you their their Ferrari, let's say for a week and they say you

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take care of it, how are you going to treat it? Right? We're gonna bang it out, you're not gonna pour

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off drinks, and they're not gonna eat, even if you take the chairman? And what about how much more precious is your body that allows

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a man opportunity, child support for every single thing that we do, whether we expose it or recover, whether we harm ourselves, and that's harming both emotionally and physically. So imagine this emotional hurt that we put ourselves through of beating ourselves up being negative and constantly berating ourselves. That's not acceptable, right? Because what is that doing to us, it is making us weaker and weaker and weaker. And as a as a Muhammad, Allah says that he loves the straw man, right? Like the straw with the more than the weak muscle and we're making ourself weaker and weaker and weaker. So we need to really address this, we need to make ourselves stronger, instead of berating

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ourselves. Right? So that's, that's one thing is the fact that we don't our life, our body is all in our mind if we have to answer for it. And just think about it, like, you know what, you get out of that. Why is that? why don't why not take some deep, proactive, deep help overcome whatever anxiety or hatred or, you know, whatever it is animosity that you have addressed to cope with it because this methodology of dealing with it by cutting yourself self mutilating some people pull their hair out, some people bag, the head against all the all sorts of all sorts of self loading behavior, and nothing good comes out of that. And you can't stop it. And you can't change it. I think, realizing

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that there is the this the surveillance camera, so how do we act when we know there's a surveillance camera, we are so watchful of our behavior, but there is you know, Allah is watching our behavior. This is what we're doing with the preciousness

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of life. So many people have lost their lives, and they don't have the opportunity to say, I really believe these people have too much time on their hands. I believe the person who's cutting themselves to speak at that self involved did volunteer work, if they get themselves involved to something they're passionate about, that they're making a difference. They have lost a sense of purpose in their life, right? They hate themselves or they're like life is not worth living, I'm worthless. Well stop making yourself feel worthless worth of full of worth, by getting involved and adding value to people's lives. If you go out there, and you start seeing I remember being in

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college and going to food called Casa Esperanza House of hope for obese children, that gave me such a feeling of purpose that I'm there and I'm helping you dividuals who have been mistreated by by their own parents, sometimes seven year old niece told me like a baby because they never thought that so why don't you go out there and make a difference in other people's lives and you will see what a huge impact it will have on your life. And that's that's my remedy is that express why you're hating herself so much is something you've done or this or someone else's on to be able to forgive that forgive them and forgive yourself and then the third thing is to get involved volunteers keep

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up yourself in order to find the remedy inshallah

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Colossus Karen sister Halla for this amazing lecture all of the wonderful advices also please stay tuned for our first ever I owe you mental health conference. We will be having that at the end of next month. That's the last weekend of May and I do believe that sister Hallo will be joining us for that. So please do stay tuned for the promotions for that event as salaam alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

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