Channel: Haleh Banani
Having Low Self-Esteem can be detrimental to your effectiveness in your job and in relationships. Low Self-Esteem sends the wrong messages to those we encounter in both personal and professional situations.
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Hunger love very interesting topic today. Increasing self esteem by sister Khalid manana inshallah. Sister Holly Bonnie has a master's degree in clinical psychology with 18 years of experience working with a couple of individuals. She was a featured expert on Al Jazeera international TV, Islamic Open University, mercy mission and buying a TV. Sister Holly is an instructor for m flicks and hello Institute. She was the first female to host a program for alpha TV call with Holly, which combines the principle of psychology and Islam to help people reach their full potential and overcome their challenges. She does cat therapy sessions with people from all around the world, saving marriages,
building self esteem and helping individuals in all their relationships. Sister Holly is an internationally published writer and counselor for the website. www dot Muslim matters dot o RG. She received her ijazah for the recitation of the Quran in Egypt. She was recently given the Icon Award representing America in Malaysia for her contribution in psychology and Islam. She has been married for 19 years with three kids ages 15 to volunteer. So without waiting for that time, I invite sister Holly Villani to take over the mic.
All right, so takala hair thank you for the introduction. And it's a pleasure to be here with all of you today. This melodic minor Rahim in 900 in Mathematica who wind up dying in the hall when I started, when I was a big learning shoe the ampersand Christina lemon, say at Yama and in a maniac the level but no more than the last woman you can follow her de la pasado. I'm in La la la lucha de Anima. From Medina.
I'm not that I know, my congratulations to Islamic online university for creating this one of the first mental health webinars. And I think it's a wonderful opportunity to gain information and to, to address information to address topics that are so critical for us to understand our self esteem today, it's about self esteem. And it is so critical in everything that we do. As a cognitive behavioral therapist, I work with individuals, as the brother said, who's from all around the world. And what I have seen is the underlying problem. And majority of the cases that I have seen is a low self esteem, we find that whether it's a marital issues, whether it is problems in the workplace or
any other relationship, it stems from having a low self esteem. So I think that it's very critical to address this, I'm going to talk to you about the importance of self esteem and how it's developed and how we can inshallah strengthen it because it's never too late. Even if you find that you're struggling with this, even if you're an adult, you can work on it and change it because I've seen a lot of success stories that happens a lot with my clients, and I hope that you'll benefit from this. Yeah, Allah tells us in the book we're on also been done in the nice shape on a regime Bismillah R. Rahman and Rahim in no law, hello yoga, you know, maybe Coleman has a obey yet or maybe are forcing
him that surely Allah does not change the condition of the people until they change their own condition. Okay. So there are many things that in your life, you may want to change, you may want to have a better relationship, you may want to have more success, you may want to have more influence, be able to do dow more, maybe increase your knowledge and become a teacher, whatever it is, that you want to improve in your life. You have to start with yourself, you have to look within and Allah is telling us that when you invest in yourself, when you get to know yourself, that's when Allah is going to put back that he's going to put blessings and he's going to change your condition.
inshallah. So this is this is, I feel is a very motivating force, you know, as a therapist, and dealing with people who are always coming to me for wanting to change. I always use this first to remind them that we really have to start within and when we start looking, and we're honest with ourselves, right, because a lot of times people are in a state of denial. They're in a state of denial. They don't acknowledge
what their strengths and weaknesses are, maybe they only focus on their strengths. And it is important to be honest, and to recognize where are your strengths, and where are your weaknesses. And if one of your weaknesses is your self esteem, that you don't feel good about yourself, you're always maybe beating yourself up, you don't feel like you have the capacity to succeed, then this is something that we need to address because acknowledging, acknowledging that you have to work on something, you're halfway there, right. And I that's something I always tell my clients that is the fact that you're just coming and getting the help. This is acknowledging that you have an issue,
there's an issue, there's a problem, and you are halfway there and resolving it. So just be very honest with yourself and evaluate yourself. And what we see that self esteem is that feeling of worthiness being valuable feeling that you have something special to offer. And what it does, is that it gives you a sense of confidence. When you have self esteem, it gives you that strength, it gives you that motivation to do things to get out of your comfort zone, too many people spend their time in a small little cocoon, they are always wanting to be in their comfort zone. And they don't expand, they don't allow themselves to have new experiences, because they lack that self esteem. So
it giving having that confidence. It gives you also a sense of optimism, it gives you that feeling that you can have, you can have a positive impact you are capable. And so it really affected as a movement, we're always supposed to be optimistic, right? In insert abusive is 87. This is it's a beautiful verse talking about how you need to, you need to be optimistic, because if you're not optimistic, not being optimistic, is equated with disbelief. So we want to always make sure as a moment, we're optimistic we have a we feel good about ourselves and about our opportunities. The second thing is that it helps you to succeed. All right, thank you for changing the slide. It helps
you to succeed. So first of all, we say it gives you confidence, and then it helps you to succeed because you start believing in yourself, right? Have you ever had that moment when someone asks you to do something? And then you feel like, Can I do this? I don't know if I can do this. I remember the first time I think it was almost 20 years ago, the first time I was asked to
to come up at the masjid, I think there was a sisters conference. And they wanted me to be the emcee. And it just took me by surprise. And I thought, can I do this? Am I you know, am I set up to do this? And a friend of mine gave me that courage. She said, you know, you do it. And the strength will come to you alone will give you the strength. And I feel that just having that ability to say yes, I will do it. Like I said, expanding your your comfort zone, it helps you to succeed because you believe in yourself. The third thing is that it improves your relationship. How does it improve your relationship, like I said earlier, majority of the problems that I see whether it's marital
issues or individual, whether it's you know, whatever is happening in these, with my clients, I find that the underlying problem is a low self esteem. Because when someone doesn't feel good about themselves, how do they act, when they don't feel good about themselves, they feel very threatened by other people. And that's why you find a lot of difficulties when it comes to dealing with you know, mother in law's and sister in laws, right? Those are big issues. I know that in the class I do on emotional healing.
Anytime these two topics come up, we have loads of discussions about it, because everyone feels the sense up, whether it's rivalry, whether it's jealousy, or sometimes it's that feeling of being intimidated by another person. And so if you have self confidence, it's about feeling good about who you are. Right? It's feeling good about who you are, then you're no longer intimidated. I find a lot of times with husband and wife. There is that sense of possessiveness, that sense of jealousy. Now there is the theta which is it's a good positive jealousy to have, we should have data for ourselves and they should have it for us and I'm not referring to that I'm talking to that excessive jealousy,
that wanting to
To prevent your spouse from moving ahead, because you are so intimidated or you feel so inadequate. And I think that that's really important to address. So if you don't have this issue, when you feel good about yourself, you're not going to be easily intimidated by other people. And you're going to have a more open attitude and you're going to accept people into your heart, rather than feeling defensive and feeling that you someone is going to take your position or take the attention away from you. Another
another thing, another benefit of self esteem is that it's a path to inner peace, it is a path to inner peace. And you find that
those individuals who don't have the self confidence, they're constantly beating themselves off. And it's very sad. And I've worked with many young brothers and sisters who are really struggling, they don't, they don't like who they are, there's actually self loathing, there's that self hatred, and they, they try to harm themselves, I have a lot of clients, you know, who, when they laugh, stop self esteem. And they lack that sense of purpose or sense of value, that what they end up doing, sometimes they end up hurting themselves, or they try to commit suicide, and, and you find that they're always in turmoil. They're always in turmoil, because they, they don't have that sense of
self esteem. So when you do establish this, when you start feeling that you are worthwhile, I mean, because I love to put you on this earth. And we can't be so self critical. A lot of times, when we are self critical, when we are expecting perfection, when we are really beating ourselves up for every little mistake, then what happens is that we start having a lot of inner turmoil, and the peace just goes away. So we really have to be compassionate. We have to be nurturing to ourselves, we have to be like that encouraging coach, not the one who yells and screams and says nasty things, right? It's about being nurturing. How would you feel I wrote an article about this on Muslim
matters. And it was about having,
being at peace with yourself. And you know, I describe a scenario Imagine you're, you're walking in the masjid and you see a, you see a brother beating up the beating up on another brother, the brother is on the ground, he's obviously hurt. Maybe he fell, maybe he tripped. And instead of picking him up and helping him, you know, the other brother starts kicking him and punching him and pushing him back to the ground. How would you feel about this brother, you would be like to stop this, he would probably go in and try to break up the fight. Now, a lot of times, we're doing that with ourself. We may fall, we may trip, we may make a mistake. And then what do we do instead of
picking ourselves up, gaining the courage and saying, you know, I'm gonna, I'm gonna get back on my feet, we just start beating ourselves up, we start saying, you know, I'm stupid. I made a terrible mistake. I can't do anything. Right. Does that sound familiar to any of you say this to yourself? I know that a lot of my clients and saying things like this to themselves, and they feel horrible. And it's, it's like a, it's like a movie that is playing in their head over and over again. What if I tell you that there is an individual, okay, maybe a friend comes and complains to and says, You know what? I'm watching this movie, and it makes me feel horrible. It is making me sad, I'm crying. I'm
angry. I'm frustrated. And I watched this movie like five to six times a day, what would you tell them? You would say? Stop watching the movie, break the CD, don't even watch it right? And this is exactly what we do with our mistakes. This is what we do. We keep replaying the same old movie over and over and over again. I actually have a technique or a way of erasing of negative memory. It is really effective. I had an individual I was in, in Egypt, and this lady was from Bosnia, she came to my headlock. I was in my home. And she came in she's very distressed. And one of the sisters came to me, she said, you know, she experienced the war in Bosnia. She was traumatized. She saw some
horrible things. And she can't sleep at night. She is she's very stressed out. And so I told her, Hey, let's do this exercise. We did an exercise and within like, three, four minutes, that that just went away and hummed a lot. So it
If we are obsessed with, with an event in the past or something that happened to us, or we blame ourselves, and we can't forgive ourselves, right, then that is going to lead to inner turmoil. The Prophet sallallahu wasallam says, none of you will have stay eemaan until you wishes for his brother, what he likes for himself. I love this headache. This is reported by Bahati. And I feel that if we applied this one hedgies, the world would be such a better place. And this had these cannot be implemented unless you have that sense of self esteem, right? Because if you feel good about yourself, you're going to want goodness for others, what I find is that individuals, if they
lack experience, or they lack success, or whatever it is that they're lacking, they're not going to be happy about the success of another person, only a person who is secure can apply this heartbeat. And that's why it's so important. So it is not just about, Okay, I'm gonna build my self esteem because I want to be successful. It's not an egotistical approach. And it's not, it's not narcissistic, okay, and I'm going to address the difference between arrogance and narcissism and self esteem. So it's not about that. It is about feeling good about who you are, and being able to see other people success. And that way, you have the sense of compassion, because you love yourself.
You can love other people, when people don't love themselves. And I've worked with individuals that they have deeply rooted Hey, trip, and we're going to talk about where this stems from. But when they have that, they report to me that they feel a lot of jealousy, when they're, let's say, on Facebook, and they see someone, someone has, let's say, achieved a degree, they got a degree, they got a promotion, they got a new home, whatever it is, they say, I feel so much jealousy inside. And so it burns burns me up, in some sense to support Allah. If you're feeling good about yourself, then you will not you will not have that negative feeling. And just a side note here about about
jealousy. And we know, I know that all of you tuning in Sharjah students of knowledge. And I'm sure that you know that jealousy eats you up. And it's such a negative thing. And I and I like to look at it from this perspective, jealousy, when you think that someone should not have what you want, or they have something, and you just feel you feel envious towards them. And this is very dangerous, and that you are questioning a lot of wisdom. And although none of us, none of us would have the audacity to say this, and we say a stock for a lot. But none of us would have the audacity that I know better than a lot. But when you become jealous when you're upset about someone else's success
or someone else's, what they have what they have earned or what they have, you're you're literally questioning that you're having the audacity to question unless wisdom and so that that becomes very shaky ground. So we have to be really, really careful about that. And the way to avoid that altogether is feeling good about yourself and realizing that there is a beautiful hikma in everything that happens there's hikma and not having things there's hikma in, in certain trials, and there's mercy in those difficulties. And if we recognize that we won't sit there feeling sad and depressed, and look at other people's lives and think, oh, they're so lucky. But I can tell you as a
therapist, and as a counselor and looking into the lives of you know, hundreds and 1000s of people, you know what I would never ever wish that I would never assume just looking at someone's polished exterior wishing for their life because you have no idea what they might be struggling with. I have seen picture perfect individuals, individuals in the spotlight individuals that appear to be happy appear to be successful. And yet you don't know the inner turmoil so you don't know what they're tested with. And so I think it's really important. And this is again, like a side note, because I think a lot of times, a lot of times we start feeling insecure about ourselves because we're
comparing, we're comparing we're constantly looking at our neighbor at you know, as the sister the brother, especially those of you who are students, I've had students who come and, and do therapy and they tell me how they feel
so anxious when they get a lower grade right i mean it's good to be ambitious right it's good to strive to be the best you can you don't want to always be comparing yourself you don't always want to be competing only compete in the good deeds right what's available and Elsa before una como para boo be
nice so we want to compete only in the good deeds right so you see your your brother is waking up for two headshots and you see that extra nor a lot of times I see the sisters I see extra neuron like Tell me your beauty secret Come on, tell me is as an extra Hi, sir, are you are you memorizing. So we should get motivated with that say, oh, wow, this sister has memorized so much I want to memorize this sister has gained knowledge I want to memorize. So we need to be competing in these things and get motivated to to increase our abaza but not to compare about the worldly things and not to compare our looks and what we've achieved or, or our like your spouse or children, because
what ends up happening is that it will decrease our self esteem. Okay, so as far as how the self esteem is developed, okay, self esteem is developed, it starts off in your childhood, and then throughout your life, throughout your life. So early in your childhood, it has to do with if we can go to the next slide, please.
In your childhood, it has to do with how people treated you, how did they treat you? Right? How did your parents treat you, where you valued for your needs taken care of, you know, a lot happens those first two years, they're very formative. And I always advise individuals to give extra attention. Yes, this was right. To get extra attention be very, very attentive to your children's needs. Sometimes people have this mentality is like, Oh, I'm gonna spoil them. But that first year, especially tend to every little cry, make them, make them feel comfortable, make them feel that their needs are important. Because if you're not tending to them at that critical stage, they're
going to feel like they don't really matter that they have no control. And and it's going to stay with them throughout their life. So I know it seems like oh, my gosh, something from there when I was potty training, or when I was nursing, all that's going on? Is that influences me now. Absolutely, absolutely. And so we really have to be careful as parents, right? we as adults, we're learning about it, and inhabit the law. Whatever happens, if you know, I'm sure your parents did the best that they possibly knew I no one sets out to, to damage their kids in any way. But we all end up in some way or another having shortcomings, right? And so we have to be forgiving, and we have to
be understanding, but we have to learn for when we have kids that we address all of their needs. And when we develop the self esteem because right now we're learning about you know about it for ourselves, but I'm taking it that next level that how are you going to take this knowledge, and then apply it to your own kids, if you're an educator, if you're an administrator, if you can somehow interact with people, you know, how do you raise their self esteem, you don't want to crush them. So how you were tended to how you were dealt with how you were treated. Very important. Nice. This is something I'm very grateful for, for my parents and Allah reward them, they always treated me with
the utmost respect, and they always made me feel valuable. And they always ask for my opinion, and made me feel counted. And so I remember when I would go to other people's homes, and when they overlooked and a lot of times to overlook the children. It's like even if you're serving, you will serve and then skip over the kids and, and there's this sense of like, okay, we you're not as valuable. And I think that always got to me because I've looked like my parents made me feel so valuable and and what is it with them. And so you have to instill that in your children. And then throughout your life, the self esteem is affected. All yours, whether you you achieve, whether it's
academically and this is something I always ask my clients when I get a background information, I find out because it tells me a lot about their personality. I go all the way back and very briefly find out about what their relationship was with their parents. If it was if they felt neglected, if there was physical abuse, if there is sexual abuse, if if there was a broken Hall, whatever it was, that will definitely have an impact. Now I'm not saying you're doomed if that has happened to you
You can definitely overcome it. I have seen so many individuals Mashallah overcome their obstacles. But it's just a matter of acknowledging it and understanding it, right. And I also asked about their to sibling relationship relationship with parents. And I also ask about their academic success, right? Because that really gives a person you know, if someone has had academic success, then they feel like I'm capable, right? And then so there's this sense of confidence and achievement. I have certain clients who will tell me that, you know, they never really did good at school, they always got in trouble. And so that affects their sense of what they're capable of. And so we need to
acknowledge that and then also social success, right? How, how many friends did you have? Were you? Were you well, like, were you teased, were you bullied, because all of these incidents in your life will leave an impact? It leaves an imprint on your heart and on your self esteem, and you may not understand it right now, you may be feeling like I don't know why I never feel good about myself. Some people will say I don't feel I don't feel pretty, and they could be gorgeous, right? But they don't feel pretty why. Because somebody teased that maybe in fourth grade someone called them or got you know, you you're you're fat, or you've got big ears, oh my god, your hair is frizzy, whatever it
was, it just kind of take internalize this. And it also has to do with what your parents tell you, right.
And this is this is really critical. If you if the words that they said the words, the label the assessment, this will, this will lead a very lasting impact on how you feel about yourself. So we need to really be watchful, as parents as caretakers, as educators, we really need to be watchful, and we need to make sure what we say to the youth, how we assess them, we need to be very careful with those labels, you know, and joking by Waylon liquid LIFO, Matheson lomasa and D Gemma. Now why is that? So this thing? You know why? You know, liquid lipomatous is known as a woe to those who joke and tease and Who? Who just the there's sarcasm, right? So we have to be very, very careful
with that. Even with our own children. Sometimes parents are brutal with their kids, they tease them about about certain body parts. And they will never get over that. You know, they will just say, Oh, look at his big old ears. His Dumbo lick is a jazz a big belly had a lady. She was in her 50s she was crying in my office. And you would think what what are you crying about what happened to think maybe she has a terminal illness? Maybe she's had a fight with her husband? No, you know what she was worrying about. She's crying because when she was eight years old, her mother would call her fat. She kept telling her you're fat, you're fat, you're fat. And guess what, she was extremely
overweight, she was obese. And so it didn't help. It's not like she became super skinny because her mom kept telling her that, but she it affected her self esteem. And so we have to make sure that we're not, we're not damaging our children and the people we come in contact with. Sometimes, we may label them as like a lazy bum. You can't do anything, right, you're worthless. What did what good are you you can't do anything. And a lot of my clients tell me that that is what goes through their head, because I'm going to talk to you about how you can improve your self esteem. And the biggest obstacle I faced with that is that they're self taught that inner dialogue is the voice of their
caretakers, whatever they were told whatever that people labeled them as and assess them as that is what keeps going through the hair. It doesn't matter if they were told you're lazy, but you can't do anything right. They might be a successful businessman right now. They may be making a lot of money. But you know what, it doesn't matter. They have internalized that I had invited the students and she was so successful. She had a good job religious. Yeah, she had it all Mashallah. But guess what, she's so depressed, she's almost suicidal.
Everything was all lost. And she said, I was never good enough. For my parents. I was always inadequate, never, never, ever good enough. As parents, we need to make sure that we're making our kids feel that they're good enough. They don't have to be they don't have to get the straight A's because some people just don't have the capacity.
If they've done their best, and that is, that should be good enough, right? And if we need to accept them for the way they look, the way they act, what they're capable of, because if you make them feel inadequate, let's say you want them in a particular field, and they don't pursue that field, they're gonna feel so worthless by so it is all about what people have said to you in the past that starts forming your self esteem at a very, very early age. And when you're one to whatever you're hearing, whatever people are doing with you, if you're being loved and cared for, or versus being neglected and abused, all that affects your self esteem.
And, but something to be hopeful, because some of you may, maybe all this talk is bringing back a lot of bad memories, right? I know that a lot of my clients suffer with bad memories from their childhood. But don't despair, okay, because this is, this is a conference about instilling hope this talk in particular, I want to instill hope. And I want you to remember that the past does not equal the present, I'm gonna repeat that in the past does not equal the present. So just because you had a very troubling childhood doesn't mean that you have to remain that way doesn't mean that you have to play the victim role. So there's always hope to make the changes. And remember what I started the
first with is that if you change yourself a lot doesn't change your condition until you change yourself. So you change yourself, you work on yourself, you make a decision that you're going to improve your self esteem, you're going to work hard, and and then Allah will make it easy. inshallah, there's seven components and seven components of self esteem. First of all, is your personality, your mannerisms, your sense of humor, how you interact with others, what I'm recently seeing is a lot of diagnosis of Asperger's, which is a very mild form of autism. And it's kind of like the social awkwardness and not picking up on social cues. So when if someone has a good strong
personality, and they know how to interact with others, that gives them a sense of self esteem, spirituality, right spirituality is also very critical, being true to what you believe, being true to what you believe, and having congruence between your beliefs and your actions. I can't tell you how many people have have come in, you know, I had clients, and they were like, you know, they're practicing Muslim who has done a really big mistake, right? They are like they have gone astray. They made a huge mistake because they followed their desire. And so it crushes their self esteem, they feel horrible. And then so we're reminded of sudo sudo su casa, which is three number 28. I am
number 59 Rahim woman Alban lumen Manitoba, however, the lady who then made a law in non law when I asked the local Oh, boy any and it's saying and who is more a stray than the one who follows his desires, without guidance from Allah. Indeed, Allah does not guide the wrong doing people. So no, we have to be really careful that we don't follow our desires, because we think we're making ourselves happy, we think we are satisfying ourselves. But in the end, the end result is that really that that low self esteem, a lot of young brothers who are addicted to pornography, some sisters as well, unfortunately, addicted to pornography, every time they watch it, they feel so bad about themselves,
and they report that their self esteem drops, and it's like zero, sometimes negative, when they they you know, cave into their temptation and they they go out and they commit, you know, they commit some hot on x, that really affects the self esteem. So, we have to be careful with that. So going, going back actually to the last slide that we had up the seven components of self esteem.
Okay, not back I think forward please, the seven components of self esteem so instead it is personality. So how you feel Yes, thank you. That personality, spirituality. So having congruence, making sure that if you believe that being truthful is important. So you need to remain truthful, you need to be truthful, because if if you believe in it, and you don't apply it, then you're going to feel really bad about yourself. I also also like about the prayer, you know, that it's critical that you overcome you know, you
don't pray your prayers, that's going to affect your self esteem, your looks have an important part in it as well, feeling content with your looks like everything that you have been given is from a loss. And I know that sisters struggle with the sisters, I know, I know how you're bombarded with so many images telling you what you should look like what size you should be. And it's a lot, it's a lot to take in that you need to really be careful about being sucked into this, right? Because whatever you've been given is from a loss. And one of the way I work with clients in some of them are anorexic, you know, their size zero, and they still think they're fat. I you know, I tell them,
whatever, when you look in the mirror, and you, you know, you complain about the way you look, you criticize the way that you look when you criticize, and they always say myself, I'm like, No, you're criticizing a lot. You're criticizing a lot, because he's the one who created you. So if it's something that you can take control, and maybe you had a couple of babies, you have a, you know, 10 2030 extra pounds, you need to lose Well, you know, let's let's make an effort and look our best. We want to avoid two extremes. We don't want to be obsessed with our lives. And we don't want to just let it go. Sometimes people as they become religious, they're like, you know what, I am
abandoning the dunya, I don't care about my looks, I'm putting on the hijab and above whatever it is. And I don't care that's not important. Well, honestly, our body is an Amana and it is important, and our spouse is important for them to be attracted to us. So we can't just let it go and say how long I know I'm doing away with looks, and dunya, and all of that, we still have to look good for ourselves, first and foremost, because it does affect our self esteem for our spouses. And honestly, as an ambassador of Islam, when you present yourself and you are fit and you are healthy, you have a big impact on individuals, right, so we can work on back inshallah. And this next one is a sense of
purpose, I find that individuals who don't have a sense of purpose in their life, they become suicidal, they become deeply depressed. It's like those moms who spent they devoted their whole life to their husbands and to their kids. And once the kids are grown, and they move out how long they feel like my life is over. That's not right. And that's why I always encourage women who you know, cherish their role as mother and wife, okay, those are amazing roles. And it could be your path, Jenna. In addition to those roles, we have to have a sense of purpose, you have to be whether you're hurt, like gaining knowledge, whether you're volunteering, whether you do something with your life,
writing, contributing, doing something that gives you that sense of you know, what more life is more than just the cooking the cleaning and attending to my husband and kids. When you have that vision, when you have that sense of purpose, then, you know, whether your kids is they can they can get up, move out, they can get their education, they can get married, and you're not going to feel so in secure. A lot of times when when moms don't have that sense of purpose, they become so clingy to their kids, right, it becomes very clingy and needy, and depressed. So we need to take care of that about ourselves. And then there's that sense of
social with a sense of purpose, a sense of belonging and acceptance, it's so important to be a part of, you know, a group. That's why sisterhood, the Brotherhood going to the massages, and this is what I missed when I was in the Middle East for the past eight years. And from the law.
We didn't feel the same sense of brotherhood and sisterhood in the sense of like in the massages, definitely I experienced it with a lot of the people that I met and hummed a lot. I'm talking about when you the masjid was just a place you pray and leave. But here in the states and comes in love, what you sense is that you go to the masjid. And it is a community is the it's like your extended family. And so that brotherhood, that sisterhood, that feeling of belonging is really important. And this sense of confidence that you can do something right, that you have the ability to do something, well, if you're a mathematician, if you're an artist, if you have the ability to write whatever it
is whatever skill you have, that gives you self esteem and that's why we have to nurture that in our children to make them be competent in different things because that makes them feel like you know, I I'm good at this, I excelled and that is also being able to influence others and when you're able to have some level of impact, a positive impact how wonderful
Does that feel maybe you can encourage your friends to start praying, maybe you can encourage your friends to start putting on the head job to have an impact on the on the online in some way in the masjid in your school, whatever it is, being able to influence others in a positive way definitely builds your self esteem. So now I'm going to talk to you about the how to increase your self esteem, how to increase your self esteem. First of all, it's about your self talk, what do you say to yourself? What are you saying to yourself, and that is, like, 700 words a minute. And we have to be very aware of that. And we have to make sure we're staying positive thing. Because if you're saying
to yourself, I'm horrible, I'm stupid, I'm fat, I'm ugly, I can't do anything. If you're saying those things, you're not going to, you're not going to feel good about who you are. And like I said, the the self talk has to do a lot with what your parents and caretakers school June 2, surround yourself with positive people. Third, is create opportunities to have small successes. So whether it's, you know, take a course, you all are taking courses as much so like here, I'm sure with every class you take, there's that feeling of accomplishment, I did it one class down, they did for you to go right. And then start a hobby have something maybe if you're you'd like to paint you like to
draw, you'd like to, I don't know, build things. And then maybe writing articles, whatever it is, you know, just give yourself opportunities for small little successes and that definitely build self esteem. volunteer to volunteering is a great way to get people to give them that that sense of purpose. And to get them to feel good about themselves. A lot of clients who come to me who are very depressed or suicidal, one of the first things I tell them to do is go out there and help someone out there like, I can barely help myself, I'm depressed, I can't get out of bed, I feel horrible. And like, even more, so that is why you need to go and help other people. Because it is a state of
when you feel down about yourself and you feel depressed. The nature of depression is that you're self consumed, you got to step outside of yourself, you got to go out there, see people who are sick, see people who, who don't have a home. And this is something when I was living in Egypt, we got exposed to this, my children are explosive, they saw people living, they were homeless, they were going into trash cans digging up for food, there were some people who were, they were and they were they're ill, and they were in these homes and the orphans to all of this, when you see that and you help them, then it gives you that sense of Wow, I can make a difference. I'm valuable because I
am valuable to someone else. Sometimes a person doesn't feel it from the inside. So they have to start by feeling it from the outside making, you know other people thinking that, okay, you're valuable, you can contribute to all of you, I want you to sign up for any volunteering, that there is in Islamic online university. That's a wonderful way to get yourself to build your self esteem, and then look your best, right? So I mentioned how the importance of being presentable, right, I'm not saying to live up to any kind of ideals, be your best buy, and then always, and dress in a very presentable way, because we're all ambassadors of Islam. And when we take the time to look our best,
then that is going to make quite an impression on others. So that's important. And the last thing I wanted to mention, I want to make sure we have enough time for question and answer is that self esteem, we're going to talk about self esteem versus arrogance and narcissism. So a lot of times what I find with especially students of knowledge, they shy away from self esteem and confidence. You know, there's that mentality of being humble, which is definitely an important characteristic to have. And that prevents them from wanting to build their confidence. So it is they feel there's a contradiction, like, okay, that being confident means being arrogant or being narcissistic. And I
don't want to I but I want to be humble, and they start saying things about themselves. I'm not good. I'm not good enough. I'm not knowledgeable enough. Now, how do we, how do we settle this? Right? It's important to recognize the self esteem is is not about feeling superior to others. Okay, so arrogant. arrogance is about I'm great. You're not okay. And so it's not about that self esteem. It's about appreciating what you have been given. So it is more an act of gratitude. It is an act of gratitude. When you look at it that way, then it doesn't feel uncomfortable anymore. It's not about saying I'm great. Look at me. It's about
Candela Allah has given me this talent has given me this opportunity, if I'm not grateful that's a form of coke or coke or banana, right? It's like you know, not recognizing your blessings. So we want to make sure that we show gratitude for the gifts that Allah has given us. We need to feel gratitude and appreciate it. And that's what gives you the self esteem. It's not about being arrogant, boastful, right. And it's about feeling secure and safe. When you feel when you have self esteem, then it makes you feel safe to interact with others. Sometimes, I see individuals who are so insecure that the slightest thing will will trigger a lot of negative emotion, right? So we really
need to overcome that feel safe, feel secure about who you are, don't be threatened. Don't be so scared, don't be so threatened, you'll be so angered by by other people. So it's about getting that sense of peace, that inner peace like for many and then a second as a thief, Hulu, Bill many. So it's like a lot of sense that peace but you have to work on yourself first. So the piece is brought when you're working on yourself and we said that a lot doesn't change your condition until you change yourself. So I really hope that we're amongst the kind of We Are the people that we learn and we apply so now now while falling out right? Allah says in Surah Dona
Lydian is stereo
una una he can Medina como la.
He can home home own
position to speech and follows the best of it. Those are the ones Allah has guided and those are the people of understanding. I'd say that we can be those individuals who can take this information and learn to improve ourselves, apply it with our children, and have a really positive impact and lessen the loss Hanan I believe this leaves us 10 minutes 10 minutes for maybe some questions, or there's some questions coming in.
Hello, Hi, my sister Holly for the enlightening talk. Yes, it's time for question on secession Mashallah very, very nice techniques, the sister presented in a very beautiful Hadith and none of you will have faith until he wishes for his brother, what he likes for himself Mashallah. And seven components of self esteem are amazing, Mashallah, and many, many insights on how to increase self esteem direct Allah Hi, Sister olivenhain
shala. So we have a question here.
How can a Muslim has self esteem in a non Muslim country where Muslims are hated, and people will avoid and persecute even for a beard hijab? Right? Well, that that is that's challenging. And I think that's why it's so important that as an individual, first of all, you increase your your knowledge, because the more knowledge you have, the stronger you become you, you realize that there is there's consequences, there's rewards. And if you think about, you know, the persecutions that are that this predecessors have to go through, the way that they did, things that they went through makes up half the patients because they're getting dirty looks here and there, and we can overcome
that inshallah. And what I would recommend is having a strong sisterhood, if you attend classes, if you go to the massages, try to get strength and numbers. And so you have to build build that connection and feeling proud of what Islam stands for. And you know, don't tune in to things like Fox News and things that are constantly berating the Muslims try to surround yourself with positivity because if you expose yourself to that enough time, it will affect you.
Now, one more thing I do like to say as far as the beard and the hit job, you know, it is I find that it's all about how you carry yourself and if you carry yourself with that confidence, you will not put your head down and feeling shy and embarrassed that you were like and have the love and caring the banner of La ilaha illa Allah and I'm happy about that. And when you have that attitude, and you smile and you face that maybe the negativity with with kindness and confidence, then you find that people switch I have I experienced this on a daily basis where there is you know, this negativity and then you try to melt their hearts by just be their kindness. And by being strong, you
have to be a strong and individual inshallah
Okay, well, we have another question, what can I do immediately if I have suicidal thoughts? Okay, suicidal thoughts. It's actually very, very common, you would be surprised the number of practicing Muslims will have this. And sometimes people say no, it's head on. So they will say no, no, no, no, no, I don't, I would never think about suicide. Hello. Are you still there?
Hello? Yes. Yes, thought something happened with the screen. Okay, so, but in reality, many Muslims, they think about death. And so if you're thinking that, oh, death is an escape, and I wish I was gone, a lot of times, it's because people are facing a lot of problems. And they're overwhelmed. And they think that killing themselves is an escape. But what I want to tell you is no escape, because right now you are seeing problems that you see. And it is for a limited amount of time. But the problem of you know, if you left on my hand, let's take your own life, then what it does, is that this is eternal, eternal damnation. And you don't want that you don't want that it is for a
temporary period of time, try to say, although they live in a shape on a regime, get support from sisters, don't be shy to tell them tell somebody get help. If you need professional help get it because you can overcome it. And those boss, it, don't ignore it, don't ignore it in the sense that, if it's coming up, that means you need to address it. So I would recommend addressing it with a professional so that it doesn't increase and, and really make sure when you're Institute asked a lot to remove those thoughts, it is a shaytaan trying to, you know, get you to be weak, and we need you, every single one of you is valuable, and you are put here for a purpose. So, you know, imagine
someone giving you a car, and then you sit there and you put a sledgehammer through it. Can you imagine that? I mean, what, what kind of gratitude is that Allah has given you the slides for a purpose, and he wants to hear for a reason. So you just have to find that purpose, and have that hope and and inshallah overcome these thoughts.
Are there any other? Okay?
Yeah, we have another question how to overcome negative emotions and negative thoughts. That in itself will be probably an hour of discussion. Because it is something that is so rampant and it's so common for people to have the negative thoughts. Most people are negative, you know, the self talk, I told you about 85% of the people, their thoughts are negative. So number one, be aware, become aware of it. Many of my clients don't even know I don't talk to myself, so they don't even know about the self taught. So that awareness is number one. Number two is stop the negative. You know, what I do is one of my clients who is really, really negative, and he just had very low self
esteem cycles to put on, put a rubber band and then zap yourself each time you have a negative thoughts. Within a week. He's like, wow, this negative self talk is gone because it hurts, right? So try to do that. Try to stop the negative self talk with Thursday.
And I usually do this one week at a time first week awareness, awareness of yourself thoughts. second week, take away the negative self talk third week replaces negative self talk with positive self talk. So inshallah you can do that. But it does take training and you may need you know, you may need some additional help.
Okay, Jessica, sister, we have another question. What should we do when others look down at us? When others look down on us, okay, it's really important to to know that you give permission to people either mistreating you or looking down at you somehow, whether it's not verbal, but through your body language through your action, you are allowing somehow you're allowing this to happen. And you may think I know I don't want to, I don't want to allow this. But in reality, if you look deep enough, you find that because of a lack of self esteem, because you show yourself maybe as weak or you're you don't feel confident about yourself, another person and an individual that probably is
pretty insecure themselves, and the only way they can feel good about themselves is to feel arrogant and look down at someone else. So you have to try to build that self esteem and not be affected by it. You know, don't allow the negativity to penetrate by and and you
Need to just as you build your self esteem, you find that fewer people can get away with doing that you got to just become stronger as an individual. Believe in yourself more and realize that somewhere whether it's in your nonverbal communication, whether it is a you know, your posture, whether it's your tone of voice or being too weak and too subtle, and so people can dominate over you, you are expressing to others, you are allowed to
bully me you're allowed to take advantage of. So be careful with that it's very subtle. So you have to see what it is and try to overcome it inshallah, esteem or confidence along the love, but I'm an introvert. So I take my time to initiate a conversation or talk to someone. And this sometimes tends to give an image of me being arrogant or haughty. So is there a way to overcome this and be a little more sociable, and get it there's nothing wrong with being an introvert, as long as you're comfortable with it, that people are having, you're giving off this impression that you're arrogant. What I recommend, is smiling more by because if someone is arrogant, they usually they won't smile
at others. So try, if it's hard for you to strike up a conversation, a lot of shy people are seen as being stuck up, right. So I know that that tends to be a pattern. So you can try to smile more. And then you just need to train yourself, right? I mean, I remember I used to be very shy, I was very shy, like maybe in, in middle school, and I just I kept you know, working on myself and getting myself out of my comfort zone. So you know, you give yourself little exercises, you think, Okay, I'm going to work on this, I'm going to, I'm going to strike up a conversation. And maybe each day you can practice even with someone that's standing behind you in line with the cashier with you just do
that, that confidence to have you said you are confident, but overcome a little bit of that shyness, by practicing with people who are just, they're individuals that you may not run into again. So it's kind of safe, right? Because if you mess up, it's not a big deal. As you build your as you continue that habit, then it will be easier with the people that you want to develop relationships. And that way, when you're smiling and you're initiating conversation, they won't think that you're arrogant and
do like a lot faster. Another question
we'll shake on it, please, will be considered as someone who had lowest self esteem, because of the negative emotions.
I think it was that it was the arrogance that led him to disobey along with that feeling like I'm so much better, right. And that's why that's why I classify like arrogance as like a sense of superiority. He thought I made out of fire and so much better. Right and sizing, it's extreme.
It was extreme arrogance as far as classifying each shade time. However, a lot of times, when individuals if we're thinking about individuals, they feel jealous, because of their low self esteem. But in the case of shaytaan, it was complete arrogance.
Is there another question?
Well, the question is, what if I don't know my talents, you don't know your talent, and many people don't. Right? So you need to expose yourself to a lot of different opportunities. It's kind of like I had a friend of mine who's
her daughter is about like to go to college. And she's like, I have no idea. So what are you going to say is like, I have no idea. I don't know what I'm going to study. I don't know what I'm good at. And I said, You know what, it's okay. You just have to expose yourself, like maybe take different classes. And whether it's, you know, whether it's different hobbies, or different courses, and see, what is it that that is interesting to you, right. And they say the best job is something that you would be willing to do for free, right. I mean, I know. All throughout high school, I was giving advice to people all the time. It's just something I loved. I loved helping people. And people just
would line up and sit next to me and ask for advice. So it's something that I did, and I love doing it and I you know, I would have done it for free. And so you have to find what is it you're passionate about? What is it that you're willing to work hours and hours and be whether you get paid for it or not? And and then just give yourself different opportunities.
Okay, we have five minutes left with a couple of questions.
The question is, Can one improve his esteem,
improve their self esteem, if they lack self esteem is I want to know last money last month, it has nothing to do with money self worth is not your net worth.
So you could have zero in the bank account. That's why a lot of times I, you know, I tell my clients don't look at don't make yourself worth a number. Okay, it's not your size, it's not your GPA, it's not the grade you got on the last test, it's not the amount you have in the bank account, a lot of times we are determined, we assess ourselves based on these set of numbers. And if the numbers are off, whoa, that's it to feel horrible, right? So I don't think that self esteem has anything to do with money, because you can feel very confident, very happy with yourself and not happen. And I saw that I saw a lot of examples of that, let's say living in Egypt, people were workers, and they
hardly had anything. And you saw such gratitude and such diseases capable individuals. So it's not about the amount of money you have, it's just about feeling good about what you have to offer, feeling good about the fact that a love hat, you have a law and and if you think about every single thing that you're given, right, I did, I did a talk on gratitude, and you can look it up in on YouTube. And it's on gratitude, I did a little bit of research about how how much certain surgery, or
how much certain surgeries cost, you know, it's like, let's say if you need to get your teeth, if your teeth is like, worth 24,000 or something $30,000 if you have to have a heart transplant is like 80,000 like your intestines. It's like some outrageous amount like 800,000. And you just, I may be off with the numbers, you can refer to my video, but you just find that as a, as a person like feels body in itself, Allah has given you like millions of dollars worth of blessing, right? So never ever feel like you're poor, even if you don't have money, because I love the guidance that you have that's worth millions who though your body is worth millions. So you're you have so much so much to
be grateful about inshallah.
Any other questions?
an interesting question what to do if you're
falls under the category of verbal abuse. And we have to be really careful with that, because it's very, very damaging, it's very damaging. And this, it really does affect and sometimes you have verbal abuse, sometimes they are physical abuse, and they both have long lasting damage. And you have to really evaluate, you have to evaluate the pros and cons of this relationship. If, if you know he's, he's it, or I'm just assuming he could be a sheet. A lot of females do this as well. So if your spouse has a long list of let's say, Good characteristics, maybe there's a good spouse or a good parent, there's all of this, but this is like their one shortcoming. It can be something that
you can overlook, and you can build your strength, from maybe the community, from your friends from strengthening your own talents. But if it's something that across the board, you know, he he or she, they're individuals that bring you down, that they make your life miserable. Again, life is not supposed to be miserable. So you really have to evaluate, it's hard to answer that without having more information. Because I don't want to mislead you. I don't want to give you the wrong information. You know, that would take an hour of therapy session to find out more about it to give you better advice, but just the Quick, quick advice is don't internalize the negativity. Okay, so
just because if the person tells you you're a loser, you can't do anything, right. Don't believe it. You don't, you can discard it, right. You can just it's just like, you know, crumbling up a piece of paper. It's like trash. You don't do that in front of them, but you don't internalize it. And I think when you put this shield around, and this is what I tell a lot of my clients who have negative parents, negative spouses and and they can't take all of that I say just, you know, create the shield.
All around you and pretend that this you won't allow things to penetrate.
Find giancola her sister Holly, I think we have come to the end now Time is running out. We have another session healthy and healthy relationships. My sister Amira, as long as inshallah, so sister Halekulani Jazakallah high for joining us. That was really, really at 19 session. And also I thank the participant attendees for joining us.
for your attention. Good luck.
With that, we'll end the session inshallah. Suhana Coloma will be having deja