Healing with Love – Emotional Support – A Mindful Ramadan

Welcome to a mindful Ramadan 2022 leaving a legacy this year our goal is to inspire each of you to choose how you want to be remembered and ignite your passion for contribution, whether at home or on a global scale. As Salam aleikum, my name is Hala Banani, founder of the mindful Hearts Academy my mentorship program where we help women become the absolute best versions of themselves in a loving and supportive community. Bismillah was salat wa salam ala Rasulillah. Our guest today is a dynamic, witty and charismatic man from South Africa, who is everyone's uncle, an international consultant in Education and Human Development. He has been head teacher of three schools and conducted numerous

workshops in 30 countries mashallah Tabata Allah, a founding member of AMS association of Muslim schools in South Africa, co author of manuals for schools, the art of public speaking from an Islamic perspective and premarital conversations and beyond. We're excited to have a stud Idris camisa. So nice to see us salaam aleikum when it comes to number I've gotta live by a cat school and with your kind of spontaneous energy. We all feel uplifted.

Just like a lockout, and you know, I remember first meeting you when we were giving lectures in Malaysia for the marriage conference, and I was so taken by my shoulder, your energy, your charisma, and then my family and I had the honor of being hosted by you in South Africa and we, we felt like family you took us on this amazing Safari. And really it just is one of the best trips we've ever had. Mashallah, no, I love that. La, you know, there is no coincidence in Islam. And I'm so glad that Allah connected us together. And when I shared the platform with you when I heard you speak, it was as if I was speak

because there was so much of synergy and the kinds of issues you deal with and the way you interact with people may Allah give you and your family Bergamini letters, Charlemagne through your voice through your energy through your insight, just like the our home we transform into places of Heaven Haven dropped in a place of station and struggle Oh, I mean, I mean, I felt the same synergy masala. It's nice when you find someone who is like minded and we share the same passion. So it's such a pleasure and honor to have you today. Now mashallah, you have had the experience of training in over 30 countries. So what is your secret sauce? What is your secret in being able to identify with such

a diverse group of people mashallah,

you know, this was it prayer answered, I remember when I went to Makkah, and since a pretty emotional for me, part of the Kaaba, I said, Yeah, Allah, you're given me many challenges. And I want you to use my cannons throughout the world, Pan Allah, open the doors, and Alam thriller, you know, whenever whichever country I've been to, I kept in contact with the people that hosted me and the others that I've met, you know, and through that interaction, you meet other people and other people, and realize that the challenges of the Ummah are the same people I am, people feel unfulfilled, they are sad at home, and they all kinds of issues, and much of it deals with the

interpersonal relationships. And of course, it also deals with the relationship with alliances, there's nothing better than to give someone hope, you know, absolutely, I can identify with what you're saying Subhanallah our lives parallel because it was standing at the cabin asking Allah to use me in his service when my life changed. So everybody, you need to make that door. Use me in Your service, and you will be surprised how things happen. And you're right when you work, you know, just working having the opportunity to work with 1000s of people across the globe, you find everyone's problem is the same. It doesn't matter where they're from, what kind of cultures but you find that

the struggles are the same Subhan Allah so how do you identify with so many people because you're really able to connect mashallah you really make people feel like they are family, from the moment you meet them. What is that secret? I think they have two things. Firstly, I cannot thank my mum and dad and we have not granted our parents the highest status. I mean, they believed in me and my mother was an extremely compassionate individual. You know, me she heard a poignant story or a story of pain, she would cry and I recall when I was done

Any outside job and I should come home, whenever my mother saw me, she cried when I left. And once we eat, and one day, I came home, she never cried, I said, Mommy, you forgot to cry.

Something's off for her and she crying.

And so I learned that at my mother's sock, something that moved me, you know, because of compassion, care and self responsibility for the people there and my dad, you know, always said to me, my son was not be a spectator in your life, you know, and 70 life lessons I've learned from them. That was the one part. The other part is this, you know, I think, you know, we take life too seriously. too seriously, I jokingly say, some people walk around all the time, as if they're constipated you.

And life has so much to offer. And I found that every individual, you know, many of them put on the facade, they give the impression everything is well, it's fine. They may have material possessions, but deep down, you know, they're crying, they are in pain. And I found that when you are able to connect to the hearts of people, when you are present with them, it is so validating for them. Yes. And the other thing that I found is that I've learned also to be a I'm not saying the best list in the world, to be a better listener. And when you listen, you know and psychologists will tell you, the beaming is healing. When you listen to others, you know, they find like a burden off the

shoulder, they feel that you're listening to them with love, you are listening not only to the words, but also the emotions, you understand the context you are listening in that non judgement in ways and and Hamdulillah I found that and I found that people they want to be uplifted I came across as one saying the best exercise to do is to uplift people and how beautiful is that you are a father of two beautiful right? So in that way, you know in the end, we all want to leave a legacy and the legacy is that people look back at your life.

There is a moment in which they tear and they make dua to Allah Ya Allah forgive him, he was there when everyone else ostracize me, he was there when no one else listened to me, he was there and he listened to me non judgmental way that itself is something so beautiful, you know, as they say, and priors are both in the hearts of people. And also you know, Nabi SallAllahu sallam, to this effect, there is no good in him would either be friends or is befriended, to make friends and to respond to other people's overtures. So important. And then that way I'm comfortable with people, no matter who they are, no matter in what social hierarchy they are. I don't feel intimidated by them. Because I

want to learn from everyone no matter who you are Masha Allah, that's absolutely beautiful. You know, you're so emotionally intelligent. And having your, your mom is that example. She's soften your heart, she planted those seeds of compassion and empathy. And having the ability for you to connect with people on that level is so powerful. And like you said, that is a very important legacy to leave behind this legacy of service, this legacy of being emotionally present. And you know, many of the men in our communities have had to mask their emotions. They have been told, boys don't cry, you know, suck it up, be tough. And so when they get married, they are unable to be emotionally

present. They're unable to express themselves. So what would be your advice to men who have a difficult time and doing this? Maybe they didn't have a mom who would cry for them when they're leaving and greeting them with the cry and, and they didn't have that kind of training. So what would be your advice for men to be more expressive and to be emotionally present for their spouse?

You know, whether we like it or not, in every given moment, we are subjected to some emotion, and that emotion informs our thoughts and our behavior. And one of the recurring issues our beloved sisters have is the fact that they say you know, my husband never expresses emotion. It does not demonstrate His love by not expressing and I have to constantly speculate you then if you look at the prophetic example I will not be Salah Lowry was salam was so explicit

He was so exposed. He showed his emotions, he wore his heart upon the sleeve, you know, there was no discrepancy between his smile and what he felt inside. And but they say, you know, often, as you rightly said, you know, in your preamble, you know, it's not about males being men.

Being macho, having a sense of bravado is being a gentleman is a difference by a gentleman is gentle, as it indicates, a man who is a gentleman is compassionate is caring. He shows social ethic, right is quantitive. And this is a very important thing. In the end, there is nothing more beautiful, nothing more beautiful, when a couple hug each other, and they just hug each other. And in that hug both spouses here. And you know, that as I'm building my beloved wife, I don't have to express my love for her. But I expressed it by showing pride. And when I do that, she feelings and if I do gender, darling, I love you. She says, I know. I feel it. I experienced it, Chai and this is

the whole thing. And you right, you know, I cannot thank ally enough for my formative years. And you know, many couples have gone through experiences in which they grew up in homes where either there was no now whether the woman's voice was muted, and all of those things and they grew up thinking that's the norm. That's not a norm. There's not a norm. And what is important is to uplift, you know, when they say a couples or garments and to each other, what a beautiful, beautiful metaphor, a beautiful metaphor. It's about being protective about beautification. It's about intimacy. It's about saying, Say what you wanted with me, you are saying, that's so critical. The safe was

emotional safety, right? Because it's not just about physical safety, but it's providing an emotional safety. And for those of you who may not know, our uncle Idris He has a beautiful relationship, masha Allah with his wife and he walks the talk and this is why I really respect you because it's one thing to get up and give a talk about having a good marriage, but it's a totally different thing when you actually apply it that's so critical. And mashallah, he really is expressive. And you always say such beautiful things about your wife sister of Sana, which I which I loved, dearly, masha Allah. And so it is critical. And I like how you, you emphasize the fact that

being a man is not about being harsh. Being a man is about being a gentleman, and it's healthy masculinity. So it is you you defend your spouse, you're there for them. But it doesn't mean that you shut down your emotions. Thank you for clarifying that, because that's an important point. And what does it mean to you to leave a legacy of service? It means a lot. None of us, Angelique, we all have our issues, and Allah knows us better than anyone else. We have this one life. And I remember coming across a title of this book by Robin Sharma, which goes like, we will cry when you die to such a powerful title in Choctaw, for cape and in the book, The subtitle is, lead your life in such

a way that when you are born, you cry, and people were smiling. But when you die, you are smiling and people across that spear and one of my friends Fuad Nadi, from the UK, may Allah grant from the highest stages in Jannah. He said to me, when I was sharing this book with him, he said to me, this, my father told me, my beloved son, when you were born, you are not in control as to who would come and celebrate your birthday. But you are in complete control as to who will mourn your loss. Oh, I got good sponsors. What a powerful married power. What a powerful thing. Very, very powerful. And it is not about being great things. It's not about appearing in the newspaper or on television. It's

what you do on a day to day basis. The person you pass in the street, the commuter you find yourself

it's about how you engage them. And when you ask them, How are you a total stranger, but when you ask how are you? You really want to know if he's happy you want to Shane is happy

This right if he's in pain, you want to see what you can do to elevate his pain. You start about a pleasantry. It's about asking the question. And in that way, you become authentic. So the whole thing is that all of us want to leave a legacy. You know, I came across this also, they see these the difference between a person of success and a person of significance, a person of success, when someone says, oh, my gosh, what a successful life. And in our mind, one of us had the image of him having a palatial of home, having some number of cars being exceptionally, you know, affluent, and so on and so forth. And that success. You know, they say, there's some things you do for your CV, or

your curriculum vitae. But there are other things you do for your legacy. And they are not the same. A person with 100 pages about his TV, but he gives you no indication of what his legacy is. At the same token, a person of significance is a person who has impacted on the hearts of

the people that you hope to love to sympathize with, commiserated with them, listen to them with empathy. Those are the people that remember him, my son was me. And this is what you all want. Beautiful, that is so profound, leaving a legacy through your impact on others. And it doesn't have to be on a global scale, it is interacting with the people that you come in contact with putting that energy towards your spouse, your kids to, you know, the people in your communities, and it has a ripple effect. When you're nice when you smile, like you said it the person next to you and you, you show them some love, you show them some attention, they will get into a better mood, they will

pass on. And it's like passing it forward. And it is it has a beautiful impact on our communities. If more people saw it that way, and what you said about listening, that's so critical. I had a whole semester in my master's program about how to listen, I think that should be a requirement for every single person, how to listen, to understand not to respond, because people are listening, to have a rebuttal right? But to listen to, I want to hear you out, I want to understand you. So that is a beautiful skill to develop, and to be focused on how we can touch the lives of those people around us. Thank you so much for that masala and let's see, as far as you know, you have such extensive

experience in education and working with children. So how can a person recognize their strength? Or recognize the strength in their children? Are the students that they work with in order to foster it? How do we recognize the strength within ourselves and in children? And then the follow up question would be how do we take that strength and make it a legacy? You know, one of the most critical things that we got to understand is children in order say, every child comes to school with a baggage of values with an IQ and with an attitude. Now, what often happens, many teachers what we tend to do, we are so concerned about the cognitive development, about putting in facts,

regurgitating what's in the textbook that we forget the child. And I remember, there was one individual who was asked this question that you are going to the school, what are you going to teach? And the response often would be mathematics or science or English or whatever? And his answer was, for me so instructive, he says, Well, I'm going to the school. I do not know what I'm going to teach because I have not met my learners yet. Oh, wow. That's what, right. That's profound, isn't it? Yeah. So he understood that teaching is about responding to the needs of the children is about making them understand what the world is all about. Right? And you see, every child needs what are

called the six A.

Every child wants acceptance. Every child wants affirmation. Every child wants affection. Every child wants attention. Yes, every child wants positive attributes. Right? So these are important things. And when the child gets it from you, and children learn

In the eyes, no matter how young they are, and when they smile at you, if you respond, and you're responsive, they will love you for that. When you acknowledge them, it is remember, in this time that you have an opportunity, you are an agent of change. And when you see one telling story that I have, there are many though, was when I, when I started teaching, and I was teaching one of Charles Dickens book, David Copperfield. And these were, what felt 13 year old kids, you know, and I found that one of the pupils, his work was quite untidy, you know, and won't work often never completed. So I was getting a bit impatient in the naive days. So Allah put it in my heart that I should meet

with him. So I said to him, my boy and I, as I'm sharing this with you, I able to reenact it and relive this experience. I said to him, I would like to see you during the break. You know, they say, a teacher is not a sage on the stage, but a guide on the side. It's not a sage on the stage, but a guide on the side. So I quote, The, in the in the classroom in the break, and he was quite nervous, you know, but why I'm calling him. And then I asked him, Tell me about your background, where you come from, tell me about your family. And when he started sharing his story, tears began to flow, mine.

He said to me, that when I get home, I get a lift. In a huge truck. When I get home, it is dark. When I leave home, which is dark, we do not have lights at home. I do my homework under the street lamp. I just held his hand. I said to him, You know what? I'm sorry. I did not know this. I'm sorry. But you will not believe this, even though his circumstances never change his work, improve.

Your economic acknowledged?

Yeah, because he felt a kinship. Right? Right. Not a kinship, you know.

So that was a dinner realize, in our NABI SallAllahu, ala news of the Sahaba he knew each one of them. And therefore the advice he gave each one was unique, he also gave genuinely advice. And that, to me was a tipping point for me, in terms of my own thing, and the whole thing is, I found that one of my strengths in teaching was that I was concerned about the whole being I was concerned about their happiness, I was concerned about the pain, I was concerned about those things. And I realized that when you show that kind of concern, yes, they get so affected by and there are many, many things and I really felt I could not take a lie now. It would mean in this particular profession, my

salah daily, you could deliberate the minds of young poets beautiful masala, they were privileged to have a teacher that was so compassionate, and that you're really your mission was to impact them and to change them as a whole, not just pour in information, but you were empathetic, you showed concern. And when you do that, it is just it fosters a person Subhanallah so when people can take this information from you and do that with their own kids, where they are more concerned about their emotional well being because if someone is in a good emotional state, they can learn better, just from a psychological perspective. If you yell if you're harsh, if you restrict, then their minds

shut down. But when you give that love the attention, the care, then it's like they are like sponges they can absorb and you become their role model. Mashallah. Absolutely, in fact, what you're saying is true, and I just want to reinforce that. A critical thing is that we must give our children self belief. We must tell them that you know, my son, Inshallah, you will be a leader someday. We believe in you. Yes. Right. And allow them to make mistakes. We are human right, but we must not repeat our mistakes. And the environment the tone, mustn't be an environment which is hostile guests. Were the voices of children become the new to right. And this is a very important thing you know, and if you

can do that, you know the mother and father together, understanding that each child is unique, and we need to respond to the uniqueness in a beautiful Masha Allah. I can't emphasize what you said enough that was so impactful as far as having a home invite

For men, that is conducive for growth, and is conducive for that emotional connection, because if the if a child because the parents are like the soil, so if their relationship is always hostile, if they're fighting, if there's resentment, and sometimes there's just a Cold War, then children cannot thrive in that environment. So thank you for sharing that and emphasizing it. Now, I want to know what got you into this line of service, I know that your mom had a profound impact on your emotional well being and being more empathetic, was there anything else in your life that inspired you to lead a life in service of others. In fact, my beloved father belonged to numerous organizations.

For example, He was in charge of the blind society, Mashallah. Now he was involved with helping tuberculosis patients, he was involved in acting, ill, so on and so forth. And we grew up in a home, where my father used to have meetings with lots of people. And that inspired me, the other thing that inspired me was when I got into the teaching profession, I also got an insight into the family life of those children. And as I went on, and I remember coming across this, they say, we are living at a time when the father does the providing the mother the deciding, and the children, the overriding

the idealize, and when I gave up my teaching profession, people asked me this, what are you going to do? I said, No, I'm gonna do a marriage programs or do a parenting pro basaglar. And I find, and there were numerous teachers along the way was said to me this, you know, you'd be a great counselor, you know, be a great counselor. At that time, I didn't take it seriously now. But then some maybe 1520 years ago, I began to counsel bassline, and I found that there is no greater joy than bringing couples together, no greater joy than uplifting people, no greater joy, then creating a home that is become a sanctuary place in which children and the siblings the parents are all very

happy to be together Masha Allah masala so you bring up so many important points. One is that you were talking about how your father inspired to so he was having meetings he was leading blind the blind organizations TB patients and having meetings at home so parents it's so important you have to teach by modeling he wasn't telling you you need to get necessarily get into an organization but because he did that you are inspired by it masala so we really need to model the correct behavior for our children. And what you said it really resonates with me that nothing makes me more euphoric than when you save when you save a marriage. And sometimes when someone gets out of an abusive

marriage is just as euphoric because you feel you know, you just saved them you save the children so it is it's so nice to connect with someone who has the same passions Masha Allah, the same year you're just a beautiful human being and you always spread joy, you spread joy, you spread laughter and I want to know what do you want your legacy to be? What do you want to be remembered for inshallah

you stand up? I like to be remembered. Firstly, Inshallah, that I was loving husband and my wife is smiling. Oh, I love bad he wants his legacy to be a loving husband mashallah Can we hear it I love like that did me a compassionate individual person that was involved with the community and a person that anyone came for help. I never left them Shala empty handed. So I want to leave a legacy in which Inshallah, that the prayers of those that are leave behind Shala would invoke Allah's Mercy will invoke his mercy Inshallah, that Allah will grant me my wife and all those that are loved Inshallah, genitals to those that Allah made me weary. You know, this is what will be really a

price, a beautiful price, but not withstanding the price. All what we do is done intrinsically.

because not only it is expected of us, it makes us feel good doing it, frankly. And you know, it's not easy, though what we do is not easy at all. To carry the pain of others to listen to the anger of others is not easy at all. But when you look at the success rate when people come back to you, they remind you, you remember so many years ago you came to our home Guess we on the brink of divorce, your kind words, your practical advice brought us together myself. So that is insurance. Masa lightyear it's just such a genuine, such a sincere masala leader and you inspire us I love the energy that you have such genuine optimism and very few people have bad people a lot of people say

Alhamdulillah but doesn't show on their faces. It doesn't show on their energy level. So it's much on the so refreshing to have your perspective and I want to know, how can people get a hold of you? How can they benefit from your beautiful words and your impactful programs? They can either WhatsApp me, you have my phone number, they could do that. Are you sure you want to give out your phone number?

No,

no, no, no, I don't mind you know, because

sometimes it's easier to communicate to someone without writing, you know, lengthy notes and what not, you know, okay, I just find that I'm more responsive when it comes to that, you know, mashallah, what about on your website? So is it Three's Company setup? Which is the this can be said that, okay, and they can get your programs and schedule appointments with you? Yes, they could. Yeah, do that. Okay, okay. Well, we want people to benefit from you. You're have a beautiful heart and a beautiful mission. And since it's Ramadan, we would love for you to have ended with a dua for us and for all the viewers in sha Allah.

In the LA Malayaka through your Soluna the Navi you will Xena we will sell locally with Salim with this Nima. Yeah.

We cannot thank you enough for all the wonderful things you've given us. Yeah, well,

we are living at a time when the Ummah is bleeding young people are despondent, dejected.

But as believers, we are expected to be optimistic.

This word is going to be a test on SEL yalla yalla in view of this discussions you've been having yada yada soften the hearts of people Yeah. And

let people is a month of forgiveness the month of Quran Yeah, Allah, let us rekindle our love for the pronoun yada, yada you you want to forgive us young V must just take the step towards you. And your run towards us yada, yada make this the most beautiful month for us in our hearts that it manifests in change behavior young, young yalla all those people that are contemplating separation yalla let them do a rethink y'all. Talk to people that can support and help them because there is no shortcut yada, yada to children Yala. Guide them the world is alluring. It is enticing. It is very, very seductive, yada, yada that just does the elders of the home. Be an inspiration Young, Young My

Drive also to our beloved sister Heil up a nanny that Allah gives her a long long pious life. He aligned align gives the whole family and they're such a beautiful family Allah, an example to all of us that she continues to be inspiration to the Almighty Allah, Ya Allah Yachats make dua that we are able to reconnect with those that are in Pena Allah and Yaga is the Almighty have Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam we cannot thank you enough for Imani Allah, let the most beautiful day do the day. When you call us to you y'all.

Please please, please Please forgive us y'all. Those that have passed away Ganden dental for those those that are unwell Yala give them complete complete shift for

me that is them were supporting my son was directly Mercer of light as I can live here for the beautiful two are very comprehensive and also for the personal doll for my family and myself and may Allah answer all your doors you your beautiful wife, Sister osanna your mother in law me I like your her and let your men

Message resonate in the world, Ma sha Allah with the impact that you've had and I really pray that you exceed past all your expectations in sha Allah and may Allah give you good health and and a prosperous Life of Zack Allah Hayden, for your time to Sokoloff here for all the words of wisdom, we have really benefited greatly mashallah and Hamdulillah this concludes this uplifting episode to Sokoloff, Hayden was the Idris camisa for joining us for such an insightful discussion on leaving a legacy. We hope you're inspired and motivated to leave a positive and strong legacy for your family and the OMA if you enjoyed the show, please share it with your friends and family and remember to

sign up for free to get the replay summary notes and to be notified when we return for another episode of a mindful Ramadan. And remember, if you're interested in overcoming your personal obstacles and becoming the best version of yourself, join our loving and supportive sisterhood at the mindful hearts.com Just like Alok Hayden, for tuning in. Thank you so much. And it was wonderful seeing you please give my love and salaam sister Oksana yeah like keep those strong remembers the phrase? Absolutely. Absolutely inshallah until we meet again, inshallah Yeah, we do me we are we are in sha Allah. We had such beautiful times with you. I can't wait to

take care of Saddam. I need calm