Channel: Haleh Banani
Learn to overcome your anger, frustration and sadness by forgiving the people who have hurt you, lied to you and emotionally abused you. By learning to accept the many tests we face in life and extrapolating lessons from them we can feel empowered & at peace with our life.
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Raheem Assalamualaikum. Last time I mentioned to you about the two decisions you have in life if you have been oppressed, if you have been lied to cheated on, if you have been robbed or have had any kind of oppressive experience, you have two choices to make, you can either play the role of the victim all your life and be miserable. And feel sorry for yourself and have everyone else feel sorry for you. Or you can choose to forgive and let go. And once you do that you are empowered, you are a source of inspiration, and you can have fulfilling relationships. I also mentioned certain examples of the prophets how we should emulate their examples. Today, I'm going to talk to you about the how
to forgive because many of you may be at a stage in your life that you're ready to forgive, but you're just not sure how. So that's what we're gonna discuss today. inshallah, there are basically five steps to achieving forgiveness. Number one is you need to express your emotion. So whatever the emotion is, whether it's sadness, whether it's frustration, anger, resentment, whatever these feelings are, you can't keep them bottled in inside, because what happens, if you start bottling it up, it's going to eventually explode, and you will take it out on some poor unfortunate individuals. So why don't to take these emotions and address it. So you can either if you have the chance to give
it to the perpetrator, tell them about it, how their actions affected you then do that. But if you don't have the opportunity to address the actual person who hurt you, then it's very important to express it to someone whether it could be your spouse, a good friend, maybe you can even write it out. I suggest to many of my clients, if they don't have anyone that they can talk things over to, to sit down and write out all their frustration, whoever heard to whoever upset you, if you have any anger or frustration or sadness built up, I cannot tell you how therapeutic it is to write it out, and then actually burn it, don't even hold on to it. Because you don't want to bring back all these
negative emotions, write it out, rip it up or destroy it, and just get it out of your system. Because this is the issues that occur when someone just bottles it up now, because many times people think that they're encouraged to forgive so they don't mention it. They don't try to resolve it, they just take it in and take it in and take it in. And this is very common, especially in the in the Middle East, this is very common amongst women is that they just want to overlook, but what starts happening is that it affects their, their state of mind, they may become very down and depressed, it may actually affect your your health because there are many psychosomatic illnesses,
where you're really emotionally distraught, but it shows up, you start getting maybe headaches, backaches, you may have all sorts of all sorts of different health issues, if you don't get this off your chest. So you have to express all of these things that you're going through, in order to to get some closure. So basically, number one is express the emotion, whether to the person to someone else to get it off your chest, or to basically just write it out. The second thing that you need to do is give meaning to the experience. So you need to look at it and see, maybe this experience has made you somehow smarter, wiser stronger, maybe you're more careful about certain situations. And also
try to give it some put it into context and try to see that maybe you learned a very important lesson. And maybe you were meant to experience this so you can help others. For instance, if someone has had the terrible experience of losing their child or losing a loved one, maybe they can provide support for those individuals who have lost their children. You will find sometimes that individuals who have lost their children, they will go out on a campaign and give meaning to this experience. Because if you don't if you think that it's just a random act, and you're just suffering needlessly, it will destroy you. But when someone starts making, making it all makes sense, then they're able to
get strong and make it through it. Those individuals who have lost their job
Children may go on a campaign and teach others then say, this is how you need to be careful. This is what you need to do make sure you never do this. And it just educates I remember, a, a commercial actually of an individual who had been burned, their whole body had like second degree burn. And it was it was horrific. But what did she do, she came on television, this lady, and she was saying, Be very careful when you are dealing with with the stove, when you're turning it on, like she was giving us a lesson, so that no one else would go through what she what she experienced when a person is able to take the difficult test that they have been given. And they make sense out of it. And
they somehow try to contribute, try to educate, try to protect others from having the same experiences, they somehow are able to give meaning to it. And it makes them a stronger person, it makes them empowered, and they're able to carry on. The third thing that is required to do is to gain acceptance, acceptance is so critical. In therapy, one of the main focus is gaining acceptance, acceptance of the changes in your life, the changes maybe in your spouse, in the situations that you have endured in your life. And if you don't, you will always be struggling within yourself, it is so critical to gain acceptance. If we believe that God is the most wise and the most just then we are
able to accept the things that happen in our life so much better. So so important to know the names and attributes of our Creator, to make us not only love him more, but it helps us and gives us the tools to be able to accept the events in our lives, being able to accept the different situations in our life is, is so critical. And I like to use the example of a child, maybe a two year old child who gets sick, and who needs to be given medicine. But he's kicking and screaming and angry because he doesn't want to take this bitter medicine. Now if if the child just calm down for the for few moments for the mother to administer the medicine, he would feel so much better. And I think this is
what happens in our life is that a loved one something better for us, He wants us to get better in some way, whether it's becoming stronger, whether it's becoming wiser or more patient. And so he administers is kind of like a bitter medicine, some of these experiences that we have in our life. It is like a bitter medicine. And we are like the two year old who's kicking and screaming and not wanting to take it, we have to realize that everything that happens, it's in our best interest, and we need to accept it. And once we do accept once we surrender to it, then we're able to be more at peace. We're not always struggling with it. And we're not going to be in turmoil. Because what
happens is that many times people are asking, Why did this happen to me? Why does bad things happen? And there's just so much anxiety and frustration. When there is acceptance, there is peace. So we need to get to the point where we can accept the things that are happening in our life. So I said I mentioned once you have to express your emotions. Number two, you have to try to make sense out of it. It's fine. What is the logic behind this? And how can I use this experience to get something good come out of it, what is the what is the thing that I can contribute from this experience. And the third thing is accepted. Just stop fighting it Stop complaining, and surrender to it and accept
that. And that's when you're going to feel the peace. The fourth thing that you need to do is rebuild safety, you have to somehow feel safe again in your environment. So whatever that entails, whether it takes an apology from the person who hurt you, or you can ensure your safety and you make sure that the thing that happened to you is not going to happen again. So you take the precautions and you are ensured your safety that way you're able to carry on and you're able to have the strength and assurance that things are going to be okay. And finally, the last thing that needs to be done is that you let go, you don't carry it with you. You don't have all this emotional baggage,
you're able to let go you forgive and forget because this is very critical that we don't keep bringing up the mistakes of the past. This really ruins relationships. If you find that with your spouse, you're bringing things up from the mistakes they did years ago. This can really destroy the relationship aspect.
yourself, would you want the things, your dirty laundry to be brought back from years ago, none of us would accept that. And none of us would like that. So we need to be just as considerate to others and be able to really let go and not just for the sake of that person, many times, people feel that, oh, this, this person was so bad, he was such a jerk, or he was so rude. And he was so horrible to me, how could I possibly forgive. And you have to realize that it's not about the person, no matter what this individual did to you, no matter how they betrayed you, and how they, they hurt you. It's not about this person, when you forgive, it is about yourself, and it's about your Creator. So if
you're able to forgive, first of all, you're going to have inner peace, you're not going to be eating yourself up inside. And the second is when you forgive for the sake of Allah, and you forgive sincerely, then there's so much reward for it, it's so highly recommended that we do this, make sure you tune in after the break, when I will tell you the last and final step in forgiveness.
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Dune satellite channel, welcome back, I was telling you about how to go about forgiving others. And there were some steps. Step number one was express your emotions, make sure that it's not bottling up inside you. Number two was give meaning to the experience that you've had tried to make sense out of it and try to contribute in some ways. The third one is gaining acceptance, instead of questioning why this has happened, surrender to it and accept it. The fourth one is rebuilt safety, make sure somehow that this doesn't occur again. And the last and final one is being able to let go let go of the emotional baggage, this is a very difficult step to make, being able to let go because
sometimes people get to the stage where they forgive, they're able to forgive the person who has wronged them, but they don't forget, they hold on to it. And this will really Weigh Down in a person. They're examples. And in therapy, where I've seen clients who tried to claim that they have forgiven a person, but yet their veins are popping out, smoke is coming out of their ears, and they're still very, very angry. And so if it's true forgiveness, you're able to let go, the emotions shooting come up again, that means that things are still not resolved. If you find that you're still getting like this emotional outbreak, that means it's not resolved. And you need to go back and make
sure you get some kind of closure. And being able to let go means forgetting it, just let it go. And not to bring it back up. I think this really destroys relationships. When you have a relationship with your spouse, and you keep bringing up incidents from from the past, this will totally damage the relationship. So once you're able to forgive the person, make sure that you just forget about it and not. And now bring it up again. You have to also make a promise to yourself that you don't dwell over this incident, don't dwell over it, don't replay it in your mind, don't ruminate, because a lot of times what we do is that we are just we abuse ourselves by replaying these bad, terrible
memories. Just let it go and try to reflect on the things in your life that brought you happiness, it makes a lot more sense right for us to reflect on those incidents that really brought happiness into our life. What will it do for us to sit there and feel sorry about the things that happened in the past, nothing good comes out of it. So let's just put that aside, let it go and gain closure. There is a Hadith of the Prophet salallahu alaihe salam, that when he was in the mosque, and he saw a man walk in, he pointed to him and he said that this man will be going to paradise. The Sahaba were very curious. They were intrigued. How is it that this man is going to paradise so one of the
Sahaba went up to him and said, Can I stay with you? I want to be with you and spend time with you. When he went to his home. He watched what he was doing so carefully. He wanted to see what extra special worship is he doing? What special connection is that the extra prayer
Is it worship is a charity that is getting him the spot in paradise. And he watched them and he thought he does everything, rather ordinary things that he's not doing anything in excess. He prays to normal prayers, he does his icot. And so finally, by the third day, he just he went up to him and said, Look, I don't see you doing anything out of the ordinary. You pray just the regular prayers you give the regular charity, what is it that would cause the Prophet salallahu alaihe salam to say that you are going to paradise. He stopped for a moment and thought the only thing that I do is that before I put my head on the pillow I forgive every single person in my life. How simple is that just
being able to forgive earned him a place in Paradise, and it doesn't cost anything. It doesn't require for you to exert any effort. It's just the feeling in your heart when you're able to let go and forgive then you will be rewarded so immensely. Allah says in the Quran in search of nor I a number 22 Wailea fu Wailea spa, who let them forgive an overlook. So this is a command to us that what we need to do is forgive and we need to overlook so when you see, let's say your spouse has certain qualities that you're not fond of, instead of nitpicking and being upset with him, try to forget, try to overlook it. If you have your children who have certain qualities or characteristic
that is really upsetting to try to overlook, I think this will have such a profound impact on our relationships and on on our own well being if we're able to forgive others and overlook their mistakes and shortcomings. If you look at forgiveness as a get out of jail free path, this is this, it frees you from the prison of your mind and your addictions, this idea of being able to forgive someone is actually extremely liberating. And it's a gift that you give to yourself. So don't look at it about this individual and how he's not worthy of forgiveness. Think about how it's going to affect you, how you can gain peace, and how it's going to elevate your status with your Creator, by
forgiving by overlooking other people's flaws, then then Allah will forgive you and that you will be raised to a higher status.
There have been many studies done on forgiveness training. And it's really interesting that the study shows the kind of impact. So this is not just on a spiritual side, we talked about the spiritual benefits of being forgiving, because it gives you peace and serenity, and it improves your relationship. But there's also amazing health issues and health benefits. individuals who have had forgiveness training have shown that they have lower chances of depression, they're more hopeful, there's a decrease in anger and anxiety, and it heals their relationships. It also has a profound impact on impact on their self confidence. If you're able to forgive and you're not ruminating and
you're not getting yourself into depression, you feel happier and more confident. And it increases your personal growth.
It actually has a profound impact on your overall quality of life. It improves the quality of life studies reveal that people who have had forgiveness training and they they are in the practice of forgiving, they have a lot less mental health issues, they have less health issues and so you find that their blood pressure's lower, they have less stress. So not only is this beneficial on a on a spiritual level, it also has a psychological impact on attaining peace, and it also affects your well being. So do it for yourself and try to forgive the person because it is having it's taking a toll on your health.
Now I'm going to share with you some inspirational quotes about forgiveness. Dr. Martin Luther King stated that forgiveness is not an occasional act. It is a permanent attitude. So if we have this permanent attitude of being able to overlook and forgive others, it will truly impact our life. Reverend Carl hudley said you know you have forgiven someone when he or she has harmless passage through your mind. harmless passage means you think about them, and you're not
angry and you're not getting all those emotional uproar. And Gandhi stated that the we can never forgive forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. The last thing that I would like to suggest is praying for the person who has somehow hurt you. If you get yourself in the habit of praying for them and at the beginning, it may not be the whole heartedly you may pray that oh, I pray that they won't be so selfish and mean and rude. And then eventually, all this emotion will subside, pray for their health, pray for them to be guided. And as you train yourself to pray for those individuals who have hurt you the most it will have a very profound impact on yourself. You will no longer have
that built up frustration and you will have your feelings subside and you'll have a lot more peace so try that try praying for the person who has hurt you. Instead of having all this anger built up. So as I Kola head as salaam alaikum
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