Attachment to Allah & Mental Health.
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Channel: Haifaa Younis
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Bismillah
rahmatullah wa barakato Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah de or Sahil Manuela, la Molina myinfo. Now one final vema alum Tina in semiology will do a lot many hours of becoming a mulayam or calvia Sha one I've seen Latisha What do I use my Orban Allah to superluminova is a tener will have an amulet on Karama in akintola hub from the Shafi solder us silly Omri watlow. That's Emily Sahni of Coca Cola European. salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. Zack malarkey for joining us another Tuesday program, Tuesday night program hamdulillahi Rabbil alameen and I really appreciate all of you joining us listening to us sending us comments sending us questions afterward,
may Allah reward you out of the army May Allah accept from all of us from all of us in Gemini Institute, everybody all the team working to bring this to life and definitely May Allah reward all the guests that honored us to be a guest on this program. And today it gives me a great pleasure also to have a woman
who graciously joining us after one week of delivering her baby which I found this super law may Allah He word joining me today from Maryland, Nigel our word and Nigel is actually familiar with Jana Institute and I was familiar with her to actually unfortunately have not met in person yet. May Allah spawn tada after all the COVID Yanagawa may have lost on Tameka Smith, she joined actually our classes, the test skier class, the Sunday class for two semesters the last year and the spring semester that she got pregnant so I absolutely can understand but that she encouraged her mother to join and handed down a lot he would you. So basically, Nigel joining us today from Maryland, she's
in private practice taking care of mental illness, mainly woman, as she was telling me just before we started, she also see some men but mainly a woman. And the whole idea what we wanted in this program and May Allah make it happen and accept from us is a couple of things as I was joining, telling her before we went live his mental illness as Muslims relationship to Allah subhanho wa Taala Is it the usual question we hear? Or the usual statement we hear? Is it the mental illness as a result because my email is weak? Is it my attachment to Allah is weak?
I need more attachment to Allah is it's like any physical illness Allah allow that to happen. And I need to go and get a treatment. And I'm not sure about the attachment of Allah subhanaw taala Subhan Allah Allah I'm throwing all these questions because these questions very common. One thing I will have to say before I'm going to ask our Deen najwa to, to join us is mental illness in the Muslim community is something common. And I was trying to look for statistics and I asked Nigeria before we start, I don't have it, I couldn't find it. But I can tell you from the small sample I see in my office, I will say it is not uncommon, especially among the youth. I again, I don't have numbers to
say, but we have to know we as Muslims, when we live in the West, we are exposed to the same environment, the non Muslims are exposed. So we are much we are vulnerable. And this can happen to us. And this is one of the reasons we brought this today and I wanted it to be attached to our religion and bring this relationship and then again, as always, we will be short law taking questions so please write your questions. And we may have to finish a little bit earlier today because Morrow is 730 and that's a reminder for everybody. inshallah, from next week, this program will be from eight to nine because of model of change. So without do further, Nigeria is a killer.
Hi for joining us. May Allah reward you, mother of four. And the youngest one is one week, what an honor May Allah subhanaw taala accept from you and give you the strength and give you more strength and ability to serve the Muslim community. She's also on the board of yaqeen Institute to add to that, May Allah give you more Baraka in your town European welcome manager, if so much, Brad.
I love the idea of a female scholarship and what gender Institute has has started and so I personally have benefited from
Institute and we're so glad to be able to share it with my mom, she really liked it as well. So today in sha Allah, I hope to talk about attachment in general, how it relates to, to mental health, how it relates to a law. And then
a lot of great questions were just brought up about how this relates to a man how this affects Muslim units. So inshallah we can answer some of those questions towards the end. So I'll get into it this Mila.
So a lot of times when we hear about attachment, we think about attachment with other adults, but attachment starts during infancy, and it can have a profound effect on the rest of our lives. So it's a very important topic for everybody to know about not just
Nanos, but Muslims, of course, as well, because it has a big effect on our mental health, but also our spiritual health, as well. So what is attachment attachment is a pattern of how we relate to other people. So we do treat different people differently. But in general, we have certain patterns of how we relate to others. And this goes back all the way to infancy with our primary care provider, which is the mother and you know, I'm sure a lot of moms out there are listening.
So during this infancy during this first year, a bond develops between the infant and the mom. And although there are different theories as hat as to how detachment builds, one of them's saying that, as long as a mother provides food, and is there and is consistent for her child, then the child will love her and build a bond with her. But the more prevelant are, the more accurate theory is that panela we are pre wired for attachment, even before we are born, we are meant to attach to others. And they even did a study to support this in that they, they took monkeys, and they put them in isolation. And then they had two monkeys one with milk, and one that was warm, and panela. Even
though the monkey had milk, it's still the monkey ended up gravitating and staying with the one that was warm. Why is that because we associate warmth we associate
safety and refuge we all need that comfort from from somewhere. And so a more accurate definition is that we are born needing to attach to something, and then how we attach to our primary care person, whether it's a mom or a dad, or someone who takes you in, that's kind of like creates a blueprint for other relationships later in life. So if that person was consistent, if that person was nurturing and loving, you're more likely to have a secure attachment, with relationships later in life with friends, with your spouse,
and so forth. If your caregiver was not nurturing, or they were not consistent, maybe they were neglectful, or even you could say they were abusive.
We don't do it on purpose. But we end up it creates a blueprint and how we associate ourselves and attach ourselves with other people later. So someone who was neglected or abandoned or even didn't have someone nurturing is much more likely going to think that of others later in life. It could be their spouse, or their friends. And so they might have an anxious attachment. Or they might have an avoidant attachment, meaning they find it hard to connect to others. So why is this important for us to know, because for many reasons, one, you know, we all engage in certain behaviors with the people around us. And nobody goes around on purpose, saying, well, I had a good childhood. So I'm going to
go and have a wonderful life with all my friends and my family. These are, some of the patterns that manifest themselves that go on in our day to day actually come from those feelings early on. And so making that connection
is really important in being able to have good relationships with the people around you. So if you have noticed a pattern about yourself that maybe if someone is not responsive to you shut down, or perhaps you're always that person who's chasing after other people seeking their approval. That could be something that stems from your attachment. So it's important to be cognizant and aware of that and how it affects your relationships day to day
and
If it's something that can be changed with awareness, it's not that it's like a death sentence, Oh, I didn't have that bond early on. So I can't, you know, have it with my spouse, it might take a little bit more work. But with that insight, it can be done.
But how does this affect us spiritually, they've done many studies, and they actually found that, for whatever reason, we, our attachment to the higher power tends to be similar to our attachment with our parents. So and this could be you know, because we view our parents as an authority figure, and we transfer that on to a higher power, but the research is consistent. So if you have a certain relationship with your parents, in which that you feel like they're always punishing you, you are more likely to think that Allah is the Punisher and doesn't have your best interests. If you have a secure relationship with your parents, you are more likely to
have a secure relationship with with a law. So again, we don't go around making these connections. But it's important to sit down, especially during times of, you know, during hard times, where, you know, it's so easy for us to take that emotional reasoning, meaning you're kind of thinking with your feelings, and attribute things to a law, your relationship with a law, and they're not fact based at all. And so having that insight and knowing that,
you know, my Allah is consistent, he's always there, he doesn't change, His revelation is the same. And so when I am, when I feel like I'm withdrawing from him, or I feel like there's a disconnect from him, that is from for me, and for the people who have experienced some kind of trauma, or some issues early on, it's even more important for them to be aware of that because they might be attributing things from their childhood to a lot I see this in my office, often, in which when people have traumatic childhoods, and they have certain issues with a currency, they attribute that to, to Allah.
And so it's important to understand attachment from that perspective. So that when maybe your dad is not answered right away, you're not going to say, okay, he has forsaken me or he's not there for me, or there's something wrong with me, the way you might do with with other people. So that is the first step is understanding your attachment to a lot. Is this secure, does it resemble other relationships that you have had? If so, you know, that's something that can be worked on, it's definitely worth the the investment
and threw me a clean Institute of my co workers are so fun, and I, we did an old trauma series on connecting trauma, which is not always PTSD, you know, people associate PTSD with trauma. There are many smaller traumas or a series of traumas that can be just as powerful, whether it can be parental divorce, or bullying or whatnot,
that can affect that can cause trauma. So anyway, so the series is it addresses the connection between our mental health and our spirituality, and it's the second workbook style kind of series has 10 lesson chapters. And so you can really kind of go in there and work on your cognitions and your emotions, and even fill out towards the end. Some of those things. One of the chapters that's most relevant is one about emotional reasoning. And emotional reasoning is when we
use our emotions as fact. And so that also goes that happens frequently also, with our relationship with a lot. I feel like I'm not connected to him, so I must not be connected. Or I feel like
I have all these trials and tribulations so he must not love me. So it's important for us to be aware of that emotional reasoning. So we don't set up these barriers in terms of our relationship with Allah.
So why is attachment to Allah important? I think everybody if you talk to any Muslim, they will tell you that, of course, my attachment to Allah is the most important, it's the most important thing that comes up to me. But how often does that actually manifest in our day to day lives? When we sit back and we think, unfortunately, prioritize many different things before we even put our relationship with Allah, we focus on a relationship with our spouse or their kids, which are all things that we need to do, especially as women, you know, so many people depend on us so many people need us.
But in reality, how many times do we put other things
first, before we put a wall, so a very common example and I've seen very, very practicing
most
wear hijab, even niqab pray all their prayers, and they say the number one thing in my life is my children, which sounds very admirable, right? as mothers, it's theirs, it's very important for us to to take care of our children. But that can actually be misguided sometimes in that the first attachment should always be with Allah, before your kids before your parents. And why is that? Because ultimately, we come into this world alone, we go alone on the Day of Judgment, we're going to be talking about our deeds. And so when we start to set up almost like these partners with a lot, then it can make us misguided. Sometimes it's how we can even be trained by those very things. So
you know, another common thing I see is, a woman says, There's nothing more important than my kids. And then she focuses everything, she might miss her prayers, you might whatever, but she focuses only on it, and then what happens her kids leave for eventually, I mean, that's the natural way of, of life. And then she has built, you know, she has nothing, nothing at the end of that, or maybe you know, she's even tried by it, and that her kids might do certain things that just really cost her a lot of
a lot of heartache. So all these attachments that we have for sure, there is no doubt that they're very important in our lives. But the word Catholic that we should have. And the way I describe it to some of my clients is that, you know, oftentimes we kind of have ourselves, and then we have, maybe our spouse or kids our job, you know, kind of all lined up in order. But really, we want to look at it as that we are the center. And the law is above us, this is the most important connection. And all the other things go around us. The stability comes from the connection with Allah. And that guides us in how we interact with our children, how we interact at our job, how we interact with our
spouse.
And that is the true guidance, but also it, it's an emotional anchor in that when the things around you go wrong, you're not shaking as much, because that you have that connection with a law that is stable, it's not gonna affect you as much we have a law like this, versus
you know, everybody at equal footing. So the relationship with a law, it can be very grounding, it can keep us focused, even though all the other attachments are important. So the first the first the primary is who the law and the other ones are important, but but secondary.
And so how do you how do you nurture? How do you connect with a law? How do you grow that relationship? Can I ask a question just came to my mind as you are, and I'm sure some of his I love this, this parable, because it's really it really gives a beautiful perspective. But if somebody looks at you and says Why?
It's a simple question, but they tell you what is this if this is on the top, or this is on the side, why this is related to mental illness?
Why mental illness, because when we have a lot on the same level as everything else, then when one of those things go wrong, it's catastrophic.
If you put all of your energy into academics, and you fail, what's going to happen that's going to crush you emotionally. If you put everything into your spouse, nothing is more important than my spouse, I'm going to prioritize and what's going to happen if he cheats on your divorces you or whatnot. Same with your children with same with anything, it could be your career, whatever, if you put all your effort into this one thing, then when that one thing goes, and inevitably it will because everything will leave you except a lot. It all comes crashing down. But if you stay connected with a lot, all times, the other things will hurt, it will hurt, but you will be firmly
connected to him because ultimately you know that that is most relationship that's most important relationship. And nobody can give you comfort the way he can. Nobody can give you security the way that he can. And so that protects you from things like depression from anxiety because then you build to work with you know, I don't know what's going on in my life. I can't I don't know what my kids are doing this or my spouse or my career is failing, but I have to work on that alone, you know, has my best interests at heart. I'm going to do my good deeds. I have this really powerful connection. And this actually is a protective factor from anxiety division. I think people are much
and the research shows this that whether they're Muslim or not Muslim, that's a good attachment with a law protects you from mental illness. It's brings reminds me I love what you're saying and I wish everybody feel the way I'm feeling it. It reminds me of two verses from the Quran pantalon one of them I was just reading it recently. Yeah you oneness and Allah saying to all people saw it for the first day.
Just thought thought Oh, yeah yohannes Helman harping lay your Mahi your reasonable communist summer he went out of all people, anyone else any creator, other than Allah will give you sustenance in this earth and the heavens and our must pantalla sadena Zuma is a Mojave, caffeine Abdur isn't Allah enough for his servant? And there is no answer, because the answer is absolutely no one else. So these two verses, and this is how we live the Koran. If we bring these verses look at the parables you gave, and at least a lot will be covering absolutely on the top. And everything else he gave me. He'll take care of them, maybe through me maybe without to me. And if they don't take care of me
because the attachment I love that you said attachment from when we are young, the attachment basically it says it's a sense of security.
It's a sense of security, am I right? Absolutely. So if I have the sense of security was that one on top, Elisa log will be caffeine Abdur isn't Allah enough, then if the things crumbled, I'm still attached up so these two verses came to my mind as you are saying this, it's a beautiful how you put in the attachment or must puntata how it is like, exactly the foundation of my spiritual health and mental health. Is that the right statement? Yes, that's very accurate. And the thing that I love is that Allah is consistent, know our children, they change our spouse might change, everything changes our career, we have all these different things that come up, but Allah does not change, we know that
if we come to him, he comes to us more. So that's the ability that anchor, it can be such a powerful thing to know and even if you look at COVID in a world where everything is so chaotic, there's no predictability you have this thing that is predictable. You know, a lot of fun Tyler he is predictable. And having that attachment to him can be such a powerful thing for mental health and spiritual course.
Go ahead, you're saying something and it
is just came to my mind. Good.
So I was just gonna talk about some of the things from that the chapter that we were talking about, in your opinion about emotional reasoning and how sometimes we
some of our own biases affect how we look at our relationships in our life and how we look at a lot and so if we do have an insecure attachment, what can we do or you know, say we had a certain kind of childhood or certain traumatic things influence how we how we view Allah. So one of the exercises that we have in the chapter is that go back and look at the attributes of Allah, especially the ones that are comforting. If you grew up in a household that was very punitive, Allah will send you to hell alone, you know don't do this this around panel panel and then there are a lot of households like that then you're more likely to view Allah in that way. So for you to go and say you know Allah
and His mo thief, or a rough man on Rahim, this can be a reparative thing not to say that Allah doesn't have the power to punish or you know, but to recalibrate yourself to go back to the names of Allah and and connect with the ones that are reparative can be very healing and very therapeutic for your relationship with Allah
and just the way that if you want to improve your relationship with anybody, what do you do usually you spend more time with them. And this is something you know it's a reminder for myself you know, working in the For Kids and whatnot for all women in that we do need to spend time with Allah ik and it can be in whatever way works for you. So whether it's VIP kid, or reading Quran or just sitting there making got
finding that time to connect with a lot because it's it's harder to love something or attach yourself to something if it's an afterthought. But if it is something important to you, just the way and you know, if there's a person that you love, you spend time with them, it's going to make your attachment easier if you are spending time with Allah.
Um, and I would also say that if you major thing in our in our chapter series is the importance of cognitive behavioral therapy, and that sometimes we have cognitions that are not true, and it's very hard for us to deal with them. And one of the suggestions that we have in our series and a lot of therapists will will attest to is that if you have certain cognitions about something and you know that they're not true, so for example, you know, Allah is not going to answer my door, Allah doesn't care about me or whatever the thought may be. A good exercise can be to take a piece of paper and write down your negative thoughts and then on the other
Side write down the positive the opposite of what that thought is. And this can also be a reparative thing. So for example if you are struggling with you know, Allah doesn't answer my dog He doesn't listen to me. You know you can write that on the other side you would say Allah answers that in different ways. I know Allah heard me and he is going to answer in the best of ways. So you are going back and you are altering your cognitions because one thing to think something but to write it down has a completely different impact. So if that's something that you struggle with, it's a very useful tool especially for people who might have
sadness or anxious thoughts and they like I know it's not true, but I just can't get it out of my head. It's a very good exercise. Just doing a 510 minutes. I like to say it's like brushing your hair. If you don't brush your hair it just gets tangled but if you brush your hair just 30 seconds every day, then you know it does wonders so it's the same thing like untangling your thoughts. And at the end of each chapter in our in our series, we have workbooks section so it's very easy for people to go and do some of these things.
What is what is your thought of a more spontaneity as you are saying, What do you expect from Allah came to my mind in our last
in the summer teskey of course, we covered all the unknown diseases of the heart, one of them was actually ill thinking of Allah and he just mentioned it. Allah will not answer my door Ah, that's it'll thinking of a loss pantalla and he has this What's your last pantalla said, Anna who's not entering the one year of dB permeability, Masha, I am an Allah Subhana Allah saying this as my servant, think of me. Let him think of me that way he will. So if I think not only I think I believe that's the lucky that's the attachment that Allah subhanaw taala everything happens to me is he is good. Even if externally it doesn't look like it. Then Allah Subhana Allah will show me where is the
good in this. So I loved what you have just said is how you think of Allah. Allah doesn't answer my da, then Allah will tell you that's what you think of me, then that's what's gonna happen versus entering the Vanya dB. I am like my servant, think of me. I will say I know he heard me he's a semi. He's all hearing of course he heard me I will. And he answered me but I just didn't know how because I'm a human being you know and that is probably this is something like they can write it down again in actions what to do when you write down and I agree with you, I'm still a person who will write anytime somebody speaking in front of me I write because using two senses hearing and writing so Mr.
dB I would love all the audience's to remember this attachment to a lot is when you're attached. And you know, anything comes from if anything is higher, including like the COVID you will all the negative that we are seeing, there's a lot of hatred in it. Maybe we're not seeing it yet. Go ahead.
Please forgive me for the interruptions, but I'm investing joking.
No, actually, that's a very that's a very good place for me to stop that was a good interrupting place. And and you can correct me if I'm wrong, but it also goes to show you the power of our of our thoughts to especially below us telling us, you know, think of me how you will that really puts the onus on us, for us to have that insight to reflect Why is my attachment to a law the way that it is? Is it from my past? Is it from something else? What is going on? And hamdulillah? We know that the brain is vigilant. I think that people used to think that once you get older you don't you don't have the power to change, but we know that we have the power to change. And so that's a very good
reminder. In that we you know, we really should look and build insight into ourselves because the effects can be so profound spiritually.
Next point, I'm sure you have.
I'm sorry that I didn't hear it.
Next point.
Oh, no, I mean, I think that's all I had. I know you had some questions about you that you want to talk about. Right? Exactly, actually handler Blimey. This is the very common sentence comment statement.
Here, when a younger an old goes through the test, I call it of mental illness. It's like a test of any other disease. And the common answer we hear or comment, your Eman is weak
on that very, very question. But you know, and one of the things that I don't like is that I feel like recently, people have been throwing blanket statements for a long time it was Yes, your demand is weak. If you have depression, your man is weak. And then we then people shift all the way to the other side is that no Eman has nothing to do with depression, I feel like it's somewhere in the middle. And that there's different causes for depression. You see people who have, it's clearly medical and this you see this with postpartum, right with the drop of hormones. The person never had a history of depression before they have a baby all of a sudden, I mean, there could even be like
psychosis, I mean, it's completely different change, even with menopause. So we know that there is
physiological changes, chemical things that affect depression, for sure.
We also know that panela it when we engage in certain sinful things, or a life that we're not supposed to, we can also, you know, develop depression as well. I've seen spiritual depression in my office where someone, they might take off hijab, they start praying, they start drinking, they start getting tattoos, and they're so unhappy, and they don't know why. And for me, for me, you know, it's a clear example of a spiritual depression.
And, you know, so and then there's environmental, right, you might have someone who has, medically, it's not mental illness, but say they live with an abuser, and he hits her. That is a natural response to a situation when you live with in a situation of domestic violence, right? I think anybody in a situation where you're locked up, and the person who's beating you day and night, you're going to feel depressed. So there's environmental causes, there is, you know, physiological causes, there is sometimes spiritual causes. But for us to go and say no, you know, depression is because we have weakened that it's completely not true. I mean, who knows the panel, Allah, the
prophet SAW some hard times in his life where he was sad. So we know that being sad, or even if you look at them,
using father, when he cried so much that I think he went blind.
And so we know that there are examples of the prophets where they had sadness, and there's nothing wrong with sadness. If that was the case, then we have prophecy, like are we saying the prophets have low, amen? So it's not
it's not true to say that
it's
the depression means it is the sign of little event. It's something that and that's why we go to treatment, right? That's why we go to therapists to tease out some of these things. And there's nothing wrong about going to speak them on stage for that, too, is very basic backbiting for me to go seek help. Am I not putting my trust in love by talking to someone? No, that's not true. If you look at it, it's a place it's a private place we can go and you can talk to someone your intention is to go and help yourself.
Not just in this to me, but also your your spiritual health, too, because it's much when you're very depressed, it's hard to pray. If you're very anxious, it's very hard to be the best Muslim that you can be right? And you can't reach your full potential because you're consumed by these things. So it's not just for mental health, all these things tied to spiritual health as well. Actually,
what I what I want to add is the following is Swati salatu salam, the meaning of eternity mama narrated that Allah subhanho wa Taala have not created have not created any sickness, but he created for it.
Cure except one, which is old age.
Woody disease Allah created and this is a hadith of rasaan me Mama. every disease Allah created there is a cure for it. He they come together, except all the age that's why when somebody is 70 or 80, they cannot go back to 20 whatever they do, they still they are not 20 their body is not 20. So I think number one we have and please correct me again, I'm coming from the OB GYN hat, but I see this a lot postpartum. You're absolutely right. It's especially and we were talking about this before the program, especially when the woman delivers and then the woman has more children. This is not our first or second. There is minimum support. The husband I'm not saying the husband is not
supportive, but the husband works. One of them is very recent. I saw in my office, the husband works 12 hours a day.
for seven days a week, I mean they have six children, five and she's pregnant now this is the six. Of course after delivery, this is absolutely overwhelming. However, if we all need to combine where Islam comes in and where does medicine comes in because again, we cannot separate completely. We cannot say it's always for all that. If we look at mental illness as a disease, it's a disease is a chemical imbalance like virus comes inside and we get COVID or flu, mental illness and you can comment on that is basically chemical imbalances leaving at that point, the chemical imbalance was allowed by a loss punter. He allowed it to happen, Nothing happens without the will of Allah, Masha
Allah who can one man let me show me anything COVID non COVID cancer any other thing. So number one, Allah allowed it, I have to have this belief that's where attachment comes in. No one will remove it. except Allah, the pill I am taking or the session I am having with najwa will not bring fruit unless Allah allowed it. And that's where the attachment on law comes in. Meaning but I always tell my patients before you put the tablet in your mouth, you say this you say your Allah this tablet will not work unless you allow it to work. That's when you are not attached to the tablet you're attached to Allah subhanho wa Taala. So if we combine this is it is it related to faith and if I if
you allow me to comment on this, there is when we sin there is sequences and this is actually the whole course we are starting in 10 days it says and its relationship relationship or its results when we sin there is a results and some of these results we see it and some of these results we don't see it not necessarily so the person who never disobeyed Allah who not get sick no but we have to look at all possibilities one of them is sinning this will be against to Allah one of its results can be sickness, and then what should I do and I didn't find the Hadith but the meaning of when salt when a man came to the Swati Sato sin and the meaning of I feel down his response what is suffering
now
ask for forgiveness. Or another thing if you bring another Hadith which is a Salah Allah saw the site was sinner, took the hammer as the Sahabi Astra Swati sought to slap how many of my son of my time I spend sending Salah on you. salutation told us what he thought was only said 1/4 1/3. And then he said all of it, he said then you will have nothing to worry about. all your worries will be taken care of. So you take all this together, then this comes in. This is a difference between us Muslims and non Muslims. We definitely take medications we go we take the treatment, but we know for sure, no one will cure except Allah subhanaw taala. And is it related to Wikimania? I don't think
it's weak Eman is causing it. But if my Eman is stronger, I am more positive. Because I'm attached to an A we attach to the strong. I'm attached to Shafi The one who cures and the more you know about our loss pantalla The more I am connected to him, then inshallah things will go well, the other thing I want to what do you tell mothers? And again, this is something that I see. And I'm sure you see it, who their teenage girls or even boys are going through this in this day and age. And you shared with me Can you share with us the statistics you said in the last six months? What happens to mental illness? You said to me before, yes.
They had some recent statistics with COVID. And they found that before it was about like one out of 10 people were experiencing mental mental illness. And then when they pulled after COVID it was about three out of 10 30%. And this was across all you know they broke it down by race and it was across the board. And so I think you know, being a teenager, it's already very hard you have all those hormones, which again, we talked about how like physiological things can affect how we feel. So as a teenager, you already have all these hormonal things. And then for teenagers to during this during the teenage years. socialization is so important. You know, being with their friends, that's
how they that's how they learn. That's how they they grow. And so taking that out from from being able to go out and socialize. I feel like some of the teams were hit the hardest, especially during this time. So it's already a hard time to begin with any throw COVID
Male helping teenagers have
an easy time to go through that. So what I would tell parents, I know patients is, it was hard to be patient when your kid might be moody or they might not be. But ultimately, even you know, we talked a lot about attachment with a law, but also attachment between a caregiver and I mean, a parent and their teen is so important, it's probably more important than, you know, any other thing besides the connection with the law. And that's because we get a sense of security to our, from our parents, when that is available. And so I think instinctually sometimes when we see our adolescent acting in a certain way, we want to recommend them, or you know, why, why are you doing this? Why are you
acting like this, but it actually drives them away. And one of the most important protective factors with teen is that relationship with a parent, meaning that you have a relationship besides telling them what to do telling them to do school, give me this, give me that, is there a relationship there because the influence the connection is not going to be there? Or do you sit with your with your with your team and say, like, what's going on, you check in with Tom got your friends, tell me about school, you know about their interests, you know, about their hobbies, that, you know, some people think that's a waste of time, but that's how you build a relationship with them. And at the end of
the day, when they are tried with things, whether it's someone of the opposite gender, or drugs, whatever, when they have that secure attachment with you, of course, with a lot more work, when they have that secure attachment with you, they're going to be less likely to do those things, because they love you so much. But if you have this punitive or very distant relationship with them, especially during these busy times, it's going to be even harder for them. So the biggest protective thing that you can do, of course, you know, the religious part, but the second after that is having that strong relationship with them. You can say like, I don't really agree with what you're doing. I
don't really like what you're doing. But I'm here, if you want to talk to me about anything, if you want to. That is what's going to
connect the two of you. And that's what's going to help you get through some of those hard times
this on, because it's really nice. It's not a question, but I want your comment as sisters in Islam, we need to help and support our sisters who are suffering from mental health. What do you comment on that?
By I know, I agree, I agree and, you know, something that I've seen,
and that I'm not a fan of, and I'm, you know, something that I'm just thinking about how we can solve this problem is that I feel that many women, we feel like we have to have this facade, you know, I have to look a certain way I have to present a certain way. And so when we ask each other Hi, how are you? How's it going? People are No, I'm good. You know, it's very superficial. And I think we have to have spaces and maybe it's something through generous tutor. I don't know, even when I pass I'm not sure how but we need to have groups for women where they can be vulnerable with each other where they know that what they're saying is private and that we can learn from each other
because we have these parties everybody suffering with a nobody talks about, about it. It's still stigmatized, it's not it's not okay. And so it's telling you all the people suffering silence where they can learn so much from each other. What are you doing with your teenager? Because I don't know what I'm pulling my hair out. I don't know what to do. Or, you know, have you ever struggled with postpartum? Because I am. So when we learn from each other, that sisterhood is so important. So I think creating environments I'm not sure how to do that. I think maybe Janice do i'm sure, although I do a lot of Hispanic content. I mean, probably one of the missions is to bring women together,
right?
Actually, we have a lot of alone projects, we are left with broken our time. But actually, this, this whole courses, the two that I do on the weekend, we actually because of the feedback we got from the sisters, because after each course we send them like a survey. And this is going to be interactive. So that's why we're even limiting the number of the students and specially for the sins. One, it's private. It's only the students and me, and it's going to be interactive, because since it's something I got another taboo, this is how I will say you know, and we live in a time I wouldn't say only society because it's everywhere in the world. We live in the time of the Superman
Superwoman. This is how I call it people expect from us to be the perfect and then we forget what Allah Subhana Allah said about us, the holy Paladin samarbeid etha. And a human being was created as weak. Weak meaning what you me, I have weakness, you have a strength in something and weakness and something I have, I think, again, So in short, what we're trying to do this at least in our weekend, class,
This is where I do this with the youth, by the way in the youth class that I do it with them is about moral character. It's completely interactive. It is not like just lecture. But we're going to do this also with the sisters, because again, I agree with you, especially the COVID made it even harder.
Because now even the interaction and you know, if you want to talk about things you through text message or through social media, but I agree with you the support, I think, number one, and commenting on sister Nadia from Oklahoma, number one is we as Muslims need to remove internally, the stigma of mental illness, we should look at someone who has mental illness exactly the same way, as somebody who had the flu.
And then this way, that person who has mental illness, she or he, by the way, they will not feel
secure having them Am I right?
Yeah. And then
the other question as well, this is the follow up question.
How do we remove the stigma that our community communities have regarding mental health?
How hamdulillah like, I feel like the amount of Muslim therapist is going so you do see a certain massages, people are giving talks, just D stigmatizing what what is mental illness? You know, how can it be caused? What are ways to cope with it? How can you get support. And so I think, you know, being more open, having lectures, and massage, it is very important, I've also seen a man's start to take an interest in mental health. And, you know, for the longest time, I think we didn't really have that many Muslim therapists or various going to them, but I think now that they're even saying, like, this might be beyond the scope of what I can do. And so they are going to therapists, you
know, teach me or telling me about this thing, because someone came to me, and they said this. And so now we're starting to build, you know, bridge that spiritual, and that mental health. So it's more holistic and more comprehensive. I think also, you know, amongst our social circles, you know, again, having that vulnerability, vulnerability is so important. And I'm glad you took it back to the end, because we do have this whole thing. And it's really about the ego, you know, I have to have a certain image, especially with social media, everything has to look a certain kind of way, I can't show any weakness. But ultimately, that I mean, that destroys you, that completely destroys
you. And so you have these families that look beautiful on the outside, but they're completely broken on the inside. And so what did we accomplish, we accomplished nothing, if we want our oma to grow in the right direction, if we want our youth to be strong, if we want our marriages, all those things to be strong, we have to open up and have that vulnerability.
So yeah, lectures in, in massages, I think talking amongst each other. And then yes, also talking about it as though it's physical illness. You know, even when we were talking about postpartum and people are like, well, I don't know why I'm depressed. I usually ask them, What is your hair falling out, you know, you know, with with postpartum? And they're like, Oh, yes, Yeah, it is. I said, Okay, well, that that's an example of your hormones that goes to show that's a physical example of your how, you know, your, your hormones are adjusting after childbirth. And, you know, when you look at the research, the rates for women for depression, anxiety is higher. They don't know why. But one of
the hypotheses, and it's very interesting is that throughout a woman's life, her hormones are always going up and down. When you get your period, you get your period every month, and then you get pregnant, your hormones change, you have a baby, your hormones change, you start nursing your hormones, and then you get weaned, you have adjustments, and then you you know, you go back on your period again, then you have menopause. And so they're wondering if that has something to do with the higher rates of depression and anxiety
in women, so I guess taking it back to normalizing it and not making it out to be Oh, something's wrong with with her Amen. Or this is, this is something
this is a punishment from Allah that you're that you're feeling this way. Exactly. I'm glad you brought this Yes. Because, yes, sins have sequences that we cannot, every time something unpleasant happens to us, including mental illness, who say it's punishment from Allah, because that reminds me of another incident where the Swanee thought was the most beloved Cree creature Tomas pantalla, the most beloved human being tala Santana, and in his life way to through rule, deep down, lowest point and we always say there's a year when you read the Sierra there's a year called the Hamiltonian, the year of sadness, because he lost his wife Seder, he lost his uncle, Major support, he went too far
off, came back and then the people absolutely humiliated him. No one believed in him, throw rock
On his beloved feet, when he came back he made his famous draw and this draw I want to every woman going through a difficulty mental or physical or illness memorize it, and I can share it with you. on gender Institute you have it, it's called law.
What he looks at the last pantalla in a long had he finally he said, illumio can become una de facto body, if what I am going through is not because you are unhappy with me, it doesn't matter. That's attachment trauma. That's when the attachment or when you are at the bottom of your life, you don't blame any human being. You look at him and says, You're alone, you allow that to happen. Is it because you're unhappy with me? If that's not the case, that's what he said to him. So memorize my beautiful sisters do our part. If I always use it, it gives me a lot of peace. There's another beautiful question, I want you to read it Nigeria.
What about mental health after abuse from parents? What choices do we have to protect ourselves?
Well,
so
the idea, the issue with abuse from parents, it can be very complicated. And I see that a lot. Because and this could be another one of those myths, you might want to say in our community in that, you know, I need to put up with whatever my parents do to me, or you know,
or even saying that there's no abuse from parents I have to be I have to respect them, I have to honor them, no matter what I think we have to look at as there are we respect our parents, we honor them, we do all those things. But there are times unfortunately that we are abused by them. And we have to label it as it is if you minimize as a person and say, Okay, well this is it's not really abuse, or it's not, it's not that important. I'm not saying go and and yell at them repeat a struggle, but within yourself, you have to understand
and label it as abuse because if you don't label it for what it is, then you can't get help for what it is if you minimize it and say, no, it's totally okay that my parents beat me growing up, it's totally okay that
they ruined my spiritual and I've seen that where I've seen actually parents use the religion in the wrong way to substantiate whatever it is that they are doing. And it completely alters the way the person looks at their Amen. So you know,
number one, labeling it and saying it is abuse, it's not okay, what happened and then getting help for it, abuse can cause a lot of trauma. So it's not really an easy thing. And usually going to a therapist can be the most helpful thing that you can do. Because as you're unpacking all of that traumatic history, it can bring up a lot of things that can affect your day to day functioning, and you want to do it in a safe environment.
That you can unpack it and then put it away till the next time until it's healed completely. And then you know, part of therapy also is finding new healthier ways to be able to deal with the people who have used to, if it might be like an ex husband or a sister, a sister, an ex husband or friend, you know that in that those situations it's easier to cut off that person or in that relationship but in certain situations where it's a parent or a family member, that becomes part of the therapeutic process find out okay, how can I deal with these people in a way that is spiritually appropriate but also it's not going to mess up my mental health so I would encourage the person to
seek counseling that way, I may allow the word user exactly what I'm about to comment relationship as I always say, we have an a choice I call it This is me saying it is not like Hadith or or verse from the Quran. There is a relationship where I have choice in them. And there is relationship I have no choice, meaning non negotiable relationship. This is my relationship with my parents and my blood relatives immediately. Having said that, because that's being abused sometimes. Yanagawa, that's what you just said, Yeah, the parents literally abused this relationship. You will never see Jana and you know, and then they abused them. And I've seen it a lot I'm not it's paranoia in
marriage and everything you're pleasing your parents is absolutely all about bucola tabula Yahuwah Dania Sana Allah have decreed you worship none but him this unsought and he saw and good treatment of the parents now with the treatment of the parents doesn't mean you take their abuse, but you do not respond in abuse.
not respond in abuse, you can separate but you still take care of them. And this is why exactly you go and find a Muslim therapist because that concept, nobody will understand
Except the Muslim, the Muslim therapists will remind you that they are their parents, pleasing them as pleasing Allah pantalla but at the same time, Allah and again I always remind my patients when they come to me, they you know how it is always comes to us first that we refer them to you is the fact that this is injustice. And Allah subhanaw taala will never accept injustice, yeah, Daddy, in the womb, Alana see all my servant, Allah saying this, I have made injustice how wrong, do not treat each other with injustice, abuses injustice, whether it's verbal, whether it is with a adebola physical, whether it is a whether you have to be less sexual, this is all abuse, Allah does not
allow, because he told me take care of my parents, I need to stop this. But at the same time, it's a it's a delicate, that's where the, we need the help. I'm gonna see there's a lot of comments here.
Let's see, I'm gonna put this one in my humble opinion, we should teach our children how to take care of their mental hygiene, because we never fail to teach them about personal hygiene. Very good point, what do you comment on a teenager?
Know I get a lot of families, and maybe not in more recent generations, but in the past, as long as I put a roof over the person's head, and you know, I make sure that they're in school, then I've really done my my part, right? But that's not the truth at all. You know, I feel like there are many different things that we have to it's an America we have to teach our children. We have to teach them you know, basic functioning, we have to teach them Mental Hygiene, you know, when when you're sad, and this starts from from childhood. I mean, this is something I work with my with my five year old on label emotions, why are you upset? You know, what, what are you feeling? What can you do to
calm down and these are the conversations that we have to have a teacher children from a very young age instead of waiting until they're 15. And you know, they're having very hard time and we have to send them to somebody else. It is we know when we have to speak to teach them about the spiritual things. We teach them academic, but mental health, I mean that it's it's imperative because if your mental health is not okay, how are you going to do well in school, if you're met, and I mentioned this earlier, when you're depressed, it's harder to pray, it's harder to do good deeds because you're not at your full potential. It's almost like your battery is drained. So we have to work at a
very young age and labeling emotions. What can you do when you're upset and teaching them resiliency, teaching them coping skills, because, you know, it's we cannot protect our kids from the world, they are going to experience disappointment, they are going to experience very hard things. And so what we as parents need to do is teach them how to deal with those disappointments, how to deal with those hard things, not to not have the experience those things, those things are inevitable. So yeah, I agree with you. 100%. Mental Hygiene is very important and it starts at home, it doesn't have to you don't have to go to professional porn is very basic.
And actually, some highlights 758 and it's much harder for us. And I have lost comments on this question about the children. Remember this? It's a very famous Hadeeth and it's actually in the 14 hour week, and you will find that there are a Swati Salatu Salam torsade, not the one of nobis it's his nephew. And he says Yahoo them and scholars always talked about how old is a hold on a boy he called him Oh boy, how old and they said this is between nine and 11. And look what he taught him mental health, attachment to Allah. And I'm going to just see too quickly for the time but you can look it up Yahoo down in Lima, Lima kalimat. He said he was that the story is narrated by Satan
Abdullah in that bus he was walking, riding behind the rasa risotto Sammy said turned to me and says, Your boy, I'm teaching you something. Take the opportunity to teach there's so many things you learn from this heavy, but just quickly, to get the opportunity when you are in a good mood and you have time and you're not exhausted and your son or daughter in a good mood and not in a bad mood. Let's put it this way. And he says yeah, look how he called him. He was mad. I'm gonna teach you words, right? What is it? What is it? Don't be afraid from anyone. Make sure you work very hard and you take no is a student of a Stein Billa if you need help, ask Allah
CELTA for Sevilla if you need something, ask Allah. And then he put the famous statement which most of you know what lm and then almost a month and it's a long Hades I'm just giving you some of it and know if the whole nation get together to horn you. They will not be able to harm me except one.
Allah has allowed attachment trauma from that age. And then he taught him the opposite and random and Aloma the whole nations came together to benefit you or something, they will not benefit you accept what Allah has decreed. Just put it UCLA morphia to sort of Panzer droid, and the papers or the tablets have been lifted. So for the children from as young as you can, and I always quote my friend famous line, she said that in a social gathering, but 15 years ago, she says Helfer teach your sisters now when we teach, to teach their children before their tongue become taller than their height, meaning when they become teenagers, it's too late.
There is a block when they have the hormones and the if the influence now with social media, t that's why he taught him when he was nine to 11 he was not even a teenager, there was no hormones yet. So for the children, those of you four and five and six everything you do, connected with Allah pantalla Who gave you the smelt Allah, who you want this to get better God and ask Allah Subhana Allah Subhana Allah does Akela heavy on the time food for you? It's
I am sure we can have part two of this inshallah.
Probably will will will and I would love for the sisters to give us feedback at gender Institute. If you just email outreach or business at gender institute.org with comments with your what topics you want, but I'm sure we're gonna have part two of this because this is very dear to many sisters does Akela hate him a lot he wants every one of you please forgive us we have to go because it's small enough time actually last 20 minutes since my robe and May Allah subhanaw taala accept from all of us and from all of us, especially from you. The energy was Hana Kala homo behind the shadow Allah and stuff we will cover today. Someone will want to say Dr. Mohammed, and he was habitus demon
kathira. Exactly now Hi, Deanna.
Thank you so much for having me. Absolutely. Santa Monica.