Islam and intimacy – Episode 05

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Habib Bobat

Channel: Habib Bobat

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Episode Notes

Islam and intimacy is a 6 part series which covers the Islamic perspective on bedroom matters. Islam is a complete way of life. It provides guidelines on every sphere of life,
from Taharah & Salah, to business, inheritance & marriage.

Likewise, Islam has taken in to account the private moments of a believer’s life. It has provided complete guidance as far as sexual relations are concerned. Scholars have dedicated exclusive chapters to this subject matter.

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa COVID to the motorcade wa Salatu was Salam ala via.

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In today's setting, we are going to discuss foreplay.

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If you recall, when we concluded in our last session, we spoke about physical and psychological preparation. And we mentioned a number of things that husbands and wives should do in order to prepare themselves for the actual encounter. Now that the husband and the wife are prepared psychologically and physically, the first thing to speak about and discuss is foreplay. Now, foreplay is extremely important, both for husband and wife.

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And the objective of foreplay is to prepare your mind and your body for the physical encounter.

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It prepares you basically.

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Therefore, there's a lot of emphasis in this in the Sharia. Also, there's a number of scholars writing about this in their own subjects and in their own books.

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foreplay is extremely important for the husband and the wife, but it is more important for the wife.

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They say a man is like a light bulb. So which one is ready.

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And a lady is like a stove or microwave, she needs time.

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And the problem is the man is finished, and she has this.

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And that's where the frustration builds up.

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Therefore, it's extremely important that the husband allows for the wife to also get ready. And therefore foreplay is extremely crucial.

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Otherwise, it's going to become selfish. She's going to think that you're only worried about your needs, your needs are satisfied. And what about me, I'm unsatisfied, you haven't fulfilled mine.

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And the husband is finished, she's just starting. Therefore, there is a lot of resentment.

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What was meant to bring you people closer is now creating frustration and friction.

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So a man is like a light bulb. He can start anytime, anywhere.

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A lady on the other hand, requires time to physically get into the moment and also to emotionally get into the moment for that we have to accommodate. Therefore, the idea of a masala Bollywood cinema also gave us directives in this regard, so that both can then have a pleasurable and a gratifying Union, the sole objective.

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Now moving on further,

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let's look at the student of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam in this regard. The nebia philosopher Milan Islam said, Could Luma Yahoo be here radziwill Muslim bartholin in Romania who because he was a diva who for sahoo munakata who are in the middle Huck.

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There'll be a philosophy of art isn't upset. The games that you guys get involved in is all futile. It's a waste of time, no real benefit. However, except for archery, except for training one's horse, and for playing with one's wife for these are acts of praise worthy.

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So everything else is futile.

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But does he included being affectionate and plain is indicating towards foreplay, that playing with your wife is part of the Praiseworthy acts.

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So he's dispelling the notion to say that don't think that this is against piety, or you can do things like this.

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No, it's what the in the decoration of the Sharia to do so it's fine to engage in foreplay, and so on, and so forth. Mm hmm. has led to lolly in his book inhale or loom writes.

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He quotes a narration although the chain of the narration is weak, but the narration nonetheless is an important one. He says that the enemy of Allah sallallahu Sallam said, none of us should come on to his wife like an animal, but rather they should be between them a messenger. And they asked Olivia from law what is meant by a messenger? And then a beautiful, replied, kissing, meaning foreplay.

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It's not an animal D that you are doing. Animals just get done with things. We are humans. We take into account the needs and the sentiments and the emotions of our partner. Therefore we approach intimacy also with a total different mindset. How beautiful is our Sharia? how beautiful the Sharia says, fulfill your needs, but do it like humans, not like animals. So Panama,

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Ecuador, Morocco to learn a famous

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caller

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who's the humblest caller? He says, that the Messenger of Allah sallallahu Sallam is reported to have said, to not begin intercourse until she has experienced desire, like the desire you experience less you fulfill your desires before us.

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All Am I have addressed these issues a long time ago, Pamela, let me let me reiterate those words, to not begin intercourse until she has experienced desire, like the desire you experience less you fulfill your desire before us.

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So this is basically to set the tone and to dispel the notion of those people who think that it's against religious propriety and it's against piety and taqwa to get involved in such actions. For them, they think we're just fulfill your needs and finish. No, you will study the seal of the prophets Allah was and of how beautiful, how beautiful his intimate life was also, and how beautiful his private moments also, he teaches us how to live with one another. So Panama may or must, must be upon us all. Mashallah. Mr. manavi Rahmatullah says that foreplay and passionate kissing before relations is an emphatic sooner and it is this like to do otherwise. So is is basically saying in

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simple words, that do not disregard this, in as far as an intimacy is concerned. Now a point of reflection, how many of us actually spend time in this?

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How many of us actually give regard to this? How many of us actually take this into account? A man just thinks that because he's ready, he feels that if I'm ready, she's ready. doesn't work like that. It doesn't mean that you are ready, she's ready.

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She needs time. Also, she needs to prepare herself mentally. And also to get into the moment. Remember, when you give each other time, it's a more pleasurable unit. Now, I just want to mention one thing, a lot of people rely on outside aid and they want to take tablets, etc. But they don't understand the concept behind this.

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They think that they are they require external assistance. It's not that they don't need that.

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It's more to allow for yourself to set them and then get into the act. Now, the person totally overlooks foreplay, and then it's similar. You know, maybe something's wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with you, but you are absolutely fine is is that you are not spending time. You're not allowing your own body. You're not allowing your own body to warm up and get prepared for the moment. And this is something that we overlook, to a great deal. But let's look at some general guidelines as far as for place concern. The first thing is kissing.

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Now, to kiss one partner or to kiss one's spouse is an essential part of foreplay, and it is also the son of the prophets of the law. Having said that, there's a Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam in Abu Dawood. Cornejo called beluga whale who saw

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why you must surely send

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our mother narrates that in a beer for love would kiss his wife while he was fasting, and he would suck onto the tongue. Mashallah, in our terms, we refer to it as French kissing. But then we have a law would engage in this with his wife. And they are relating this to us, so that we can also implement it in our house. So kissing, your wife is also part of this.

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So kissing is also important.

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It's all about taking your time, taking your time.

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And kissing is not restricted to the lips into the mouth only a person is allowed to kiss other body parts also, like the cheeks, the forehead, the tip of the nose, behind the ear, the neck, etc. It's all permissible. You're not only limited to the lips, or to the mouth.

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Talking about kissing and caressing one's wife, it is permissible for a person to kiss or to caress the breast of a person's partner. And it's one of the most effective ways of arousing a lady because those are erogenous zones for a person. Now, the reason why I mentioned this is many people abstain from this thinking that no, no regardless

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And some people are doing it but they feel guilty that maybe we're doing something wrong.

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talking also about kissing. Let's talk about Love Bites. Now we know Love Bites occur very regularly between partners. The rule of thumb is Islam frowns upon public display of intimacy.

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So if there's love bites on the body, that's fine. But if it's in areas which other people are able to see, then that is reprehensible. It's something that you should avoid because what Islam does is that Islam wants to keep your affair totally private and secretive. That is why the Hadith gives such a stern warning that the worst of people on a day of piano will be those people who became intimate with one another, and then they go reveal what happened between them to others.

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Obviously, there's not actively that, but it's something we should take care of. The next aspect is about licking of food from one's spouse or from the body. This is strongly discouraged. We approach food with a different mindset. We need to arm before we need a water bottle catala we wash our hands, we sit in a manner and we eat, we praise a mouse we eat it we show respect to the food. Now all this is overlooked when you are intimate. I mean, putting food it's showing disregard to the boundaries of Allah subhanaw taala. Therefore likin of food

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and doing those kinds of things is reprehensible and the person should abstain from

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moving on further, as far as foreplay is concerned. It is totally permissible to stroke of fundal the private part of your spouse, there's nothing wrong with it. In fact, in fatawa, India, there's the incident mentioned of Imam Abu Yusuf Rahmatullah Lee, inquiring from his study mama Abu hanifa. And he said, Oh, honorable Imam.

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What is the state of a man who touches his wife's private part? And she does the same for her husband in order to get aroused? Do you see anything wrong in that? Mr. Chabot hanifa replied, he said no, rather, I am confident that one will be rewarded for doing so. So

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the reason why we discussing this in so much is because of the pornographic world that we are living in, people are exposed to it somewhere along the line, if they are not exposed to themselves, they hear their friends talking about it or in their social circle. And naturally, the Curiosity comes in the relationship they also want to experiment. And this is one of the things that we face that the wife will call, the husband will call and say my partner wants to do X, Y and Zed in the relationship, please advise.

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So therefore, it says there's a need for us to discuss these matters nowadays. So to fundal or to stroke the private part of each other to get just to allow each other is totally permissible. In terms of foreplay.

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It is also permissible for the husband to use his fingers

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to make his partner reach a climax, it will also be permissible the other way around, where she uses her hands for him. However, self pleasure is not permissible. It's permissible, if the husband does it for the wife, and the wife does it for the husband, but it is not permissible for a partner to do it for themselves.

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The next aspect is can the husband and wife see each other without clothes? It's a very serious question. So this Hadith of the Prophet salallahu alaihe salam as a hobby. He says a terror was murdered muzzleloading Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam for Paul as a hobby by the name of both none of them as own came to the Prophet of Allah and he asked Yasuda MA in Neela Steffi and Tara Leon rotti Olivia, Allah I feel extremely shy and awkward. I feel out of place that my wife is watching me without clothes. So the look of Allah as well. Nima. Why do you feel awkward meaning when you are Halliwell for one another waka Jaya long who normally Bursa with Java whom luckily versa. When Allah

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have made them, the garment for you and ally has made you a garment for them, meaning there's nothing wrong. You can see each other and see each other. There's nothing wrong with it. Another Sahabi came in a little bit before law Tell me what is the guidelines in this regard that we have for law said protect your chastity and your private parts of everyone except your slave girl and your wife meeting.

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With your wife, you can become intimate on this level. Mashallah. And this is one of the objectives of Nika to fulfill each other's needs in a permissible way. Remember, if you're fulfilling each other's needs, inshallah the bond of marriage will be very strong.

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Now, the most important question that a lot of people ask is oral sex. So in fatawa Hinduja, which is a classical book of the Hanafi School, which we refer to

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in there, it states that if a man inserts his penis into the wife's mouth, it has been said that it is disliked, and others hold that it is not dislike. So let me explain this. In fatawa. India, there's two things discussed. The one group of Oliver mentioned that it should be discarded because a person uses his tongue to make the thicker of a line to recite karate to perform Sunnah. Therefore, they hold the view that it should be discarded and it should not be allowed.

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The second group of Allah mentioned,

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they say it's just like kissing any other body part of the body. Therefore, like how other organs are permissible, this is also permissible. However, precautions should be taken that no fluid goes down the mouth.

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So the wife and the husband may use this in their relationship, however, precautions should be taken that no fluid should go down the mouth. Now you can practice on either of the ruling based on your challenges that you face in your relationship, and the kind of environment that you find yourself in. That is why the flexibility is there is both views expressed in this regard.

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Moving on further, let's look at other contemporary forms of foreplay.

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For example, using sex aid,

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such as vibrators that stimulates a person at the time of intimacy, what is the ruling regarding this?

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So Oliver mentioned that it would be permissible However, there are certain caveats to that there are certain conditions attached to that. Number one, if you are using an external aid, it must not cause harm

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to either party. Number two, it should not be used by yourself.

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That means a husband cannot use toys on himself. Likewise, the wife cannot use toys on herself,

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irrespective of the situation.

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Number three, it can only be used on the outer private part and not in the inner private part.

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So if you're using the x external toys or the AIDS, it would be permissible with these conditions that I stated it should not harm. Number two, it should not be used by yourself. And number three, it should only be used on the outer part of the private part. Moving on further, as far as four places concern, a person can use lubricants, lotions, gels, and creams. There's nothing wrong with that it is totally permissible as long as there's no harm ingredient in this.

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So you can query with your doctor or wherever you trust and it is safe to do so.

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Another common question that people ask is about dancing.

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So let me read the first route to you. And the ruling that I have written is for dancing in front of one's spouse in private was out music. This is allowed provided it is innocent and decent dancing. It is even if it is sensual and provocative. It's fine, but it must not be associated with corrupt immoral, such as lap dancing, pole dancing and belly dancing.

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So basically, if it is modest in a private setting in a way that is

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within the framework, it's possible. The other thing is fine for players concern is bondage and flogging.

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People are reading these novels and they're watching these movies and they want to try it out in their own bedroom. Remember, from the shell perspective, it is not allowed because of what are called the kirwin napanee. Adam, Allah says in the Quran, we have given respect and dignity to every human being this kind of pain that you inflict on your partner. It is not permissible to inflicting pain in a way where you are leaving box. You're abusing your partner and you're thinking that you're deriving pleasure from there it is not permissible. So bondage and flogging is not allowed.

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Especially if it leaves, imprints and marks on the body.

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Another thing is pornography. Believe it or not, it's becoming a big thing in our community also,

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where the husband is unable to get himself excited without watching pornography.

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He said, It's disgusting. I mean, what respect Do you then have for your wife, and how secure and safe she feels in your relationship? I mean, they you got a supermodel.

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And they shooting in multiple scenes, after multiple intervals. And you think in the debt is the reality, your wife feels inadequate, you think that it's helping you get aroused. And in the meanwhile, it's breaking the fiber of your relationship.

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pornography is hard on it cannot be used in your home or in your relationship. To get yourself excited. It's bad. And I've dealt with cases like this where the wife says balada, the man doesn't want to get involved in the actual act and is more happy to pleasuring himself, watching pornography that is said,

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and a person who is exposed to pornography, what is his perception of a woman?

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Can your wife ever meet up to that expectation? And when she can't, what is it is breaking communication? People are not happy with one another, and is just fine. You can never get satisfaction from watching pornography. You can never get peace and harmony in your relationship by accessing fault in your relationship and thinking Oh man, I know we just we just innocently learning few tricks to respect your partner.

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There's another thing

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that has crept into the community and there is urinating on one another.

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They call it the golden shower,

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where the husband urinate on the wife and the wife urinate on the husband.

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That is how far the Western world has gone.

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This is not accommodated in our culture. we fulfill our needs within the framework of the Sharia, not like animals, we regard intimacy also as an act of Iboga.

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In fact, the Sahaba asked in the view of a law that how is this an act of a rather and then we have a law said because you are doing it in the halaal way, if your person had to do the same thing with someone else, a person would have been punished for it. So we fulfill our needs within the framework of the Sharia. We don't do it. We don't approach it like animals. We don't approach it like animals. we fulfill our needs like believers. May Allah subhanaw taala give us the understanding and to practice in the Sharia to the best of our ability.