Channel: Habib Bobat
Series: Habib Bobat - Islam and intimacy
Islam and intimacy is a 6 part series which covers the Islamic perspective on bedroom matters. Islam is a complete way of life. It provides guidelines on every sphere of life,
from Taharah & Salah, to business, inheritance & marriage.
Likewise, Islam has taken in to account the private moments of a believerâs life. It has provided complete guidance as far as sexual relations are concerned. Scholars have dedicated exclusive chapters to this subject matter.
Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim in our previous setting, we were speaking about miscellaneous aspects pertaining to intimacy. We made mention that there's nothing wrong to have intimate relations with one's partner if they are pregnant, there's nothing wrong with it. We also spoke about the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi Salaam with regards to intimacy, during the suckling period or during the breastfeeding period of a lady. And then we spoke about the Messiah of hive and we made mentioned that to have actual intercourse during hive is haram, it is not permissible, it is totally wrong. We also made mentioning that if a person does so, intentionally this regarding the law of the
Sharia, he becomes a carrier of countries close to certain Allah and according to other Allah, he is on the verge of cofra.
We move on to the next chapter and there is preparation.
There are certain aspects that we will discuss here that will apply to both husband and wife. And then there are certain things that will apply specifically either to the wife or either to the husband.
Preparation is paramount.
And we talking about preparation on a physical level and on a psychological level.
Preparation for sex is important as sex itself.
Whenever we have a loss, Alabama, you seldom encourage these companions to prepare. And I will share with a few narrations in Java. For example, I show the lowdown on how says that when the Prophet of Allah would enter the house, the first thing he would start with ease miswak.
Because you don't want to put off your wife, if you come in, and it's Melanie, with a cigarette smell, or some other foul smell that's emanating from your stomach because you haven't eaten for the last four or five hours. She'll say,
Please, just stay far from me.
in psychology, they talk about switch offs.
It's just natural, you get switched off. So sometimes you don't take things into account. Sometimes it's our bed hygiene practices that gets in the way. And debt becomes a barrier for for a satisfying relationship. In a start, your wife will keep quiet, maybe she doesn't agree with the smell of your odor. But she doesn't know how to tell you so she'll just like maybe after a brief moment of getting intimate, she'll pull away. And she's withdrawing every now and then she's trying to indicate to you that she's not happy with certain practices of yours. Now if you keep this hadith in mind, so Panama, we learn from the sooner how meticulous than a B of A law was, as far as personal hygiene
was concerned. This is all part of the preparation.
Just think about you get into bed, you're about to go to sleep, you want to get intimate, but this is a foul smell. It's a sweet, it's a natural switch off for anybody.
Therefore if you look at the Hadith the Prophet of Allah sallallahu Sallam said, He who eats garlic, he with onions shouldn't come to the masjid.
It's awful enough for the angels imagine for the human beans.
So eat onions and then try to kiss your wife.
She'll say Habibi, you must wait. Not today, or mouthwash. So preparation is key. That's what I'm saying. Preparation on a psychological level and preparation on the physical level. Let's talk about preparation on the physical level. The first thing the Prophet of Allah melodicism would do when you enter His house is to make seawalk. Secondly, the nebia forma made it his practice that whenever he would return from a journey, he wouldn't just come into the house. His habit was that he would return to the machine, send a messenger to the family, to let them know that that obeah for law has returned. And he gives the reason why he says Katims tu[???]a sharifah to what does the hate doll
movie but to so that the lady who was not expecting her husband to arrive, when she gets the news, she can groom herself. So
what is this preparation because it's natural. When your wife knows you're not in the house, she'll be in a PJs
you don't have to worry because Abdullah is not around for the next two, three days. And suddenly if you pick up curry stain PJs, or she is not basically ready for you. So then a bit of a law when he would return he would say to the Sahaba Don't rush. We know we come in after a long time back to Medina. But don't rush to get home. allow for messenger to inform your women folk so that they are prepared to receive you when you come home.
Isn't this amazing?
This is called preparation how many of us take preparation seriously. Similar to what you mean preparation. We experts man that was reading the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam in amazing, certain items that he would carry on his journey or whether it was at home acoem
These were items he carried with him whether he was at home, or whether you was traveling,
I shall be allowed Thailand has says that the Navy of a law would oil himself to such an extent that you would actually have to use a handkerchief just to absorb the oil. So Panama.
So then we have a law was meticulous. And the reason why I'm emphasizing on this, that some people think that it's a sign of piety of you dirty and unclean and disheveled is it's a misconception. If that was the case, then it'd be of a war would have been the first person to do so. But when we study his life, he was extremely meticulous. In fact, the Hadith mentions that when he would stand up for the 100 Salah he would rigorously make miswak before he would communicate to Allah subhanaw taala. There's no one near the time of the 100 you're not talking to anyone, no human being, but he would prepare himself to meet his creators of handlebar. So this is how meticulous then to be of a
The first thing we'll talk about is personal hygiene. See before marriage, everybody tall up, go to the hairdresser makeup, everything is done. You look meticulous, you look like a hole.
But as you settle into your marriage, the formalities fall away, you no longer treat each other important in these things. It start taking for granted, no longer grooming herself, no longer keeping herself presentable and attractive to the husband. We have to emphasize that you can't be in a state when the husband comes home, the curry smell or the samosa or the worker or some other smells, are they just not good in a bow your head with the wabi Matata hidden, Allah loves those who are pure, and who are meticulous about the cleanliness. See, personal hygiene is very important. I often say to people, when you're single, you can get away with a lot of bad practices. If you don't
shave for four or five weeks, nobody would notice. But it's limited to you the harm. But when you made
you are constantly coming into contact with your partner on an intimate level. How are you going to avoid it? Now you're coming close to your wife, your mouth is melting or your hair hasn't been removed? Or there's some other odor emanating from your body. Now you can't say no, I'm single Milan, I know you're no longer single. You're now sharing the space with somebody else. And it is totally totally wrong for you to disregard somebody else's personal hygiene, it's wrong.
And then you say, but I don't understand why you don't get intimate with me. Perhaps the answer lies within us.
So the first thing is personal hygiene. The second thing is that
to adorn yourself. Now, to adorn yourself is extremely important.
For example, there's a narration mentioned here, that Sahabi
pushed her hand from behind the curtain. And she indicated to the Prophet of Allah, here's a piece of paper with information for you, so that we have not looked at the head and he said, Is this a hand of a lady or what?
So she said one away from that, no, it's a lady. So he said, No, I'm not going to take this paper. Go back and apply henna.
Apply Mehndi beautify your hands and then come back to
what is the profit of of law teaching. That beautification and adornment makes it appealing for the next person that is robbing the poor and speaks about the depths of the hole they say, can only afford to well Mirage and they are as if corals and rubies
referring to their beauty and adornment.
Now the men, he read the same clothes, holier,
his pajamas, standard, holier,
the wife can automatically make out how the husband is gonna look tomorrow and the next day and the next day, even if it's easy. I mean, come on, you have to invest. I've seen people who are well dressed outside, but inside is like they are looking like the caterpillar. No, seriously, I traveled with certain people that have said to me, but like how
Do you expect your partner to get 10 normally see you like this?
A lot Masada Allah Mohammed. So number two is beauty and adornment. It's extremely important for the husband and for the wife to adorn themselves. Now, I must make mention here that certain people are under the misconception that no no, this is against religiosity against taqwa and against piety, Malala, all these things, you know, it's for the younger ones, not for us. No, no, there's nothing wrong, absolutely nothing wrong.
Let's talk specifically about the lady.
And we know, one of the aspects is the hair issue.
See, there's nothing wrong for a lady to dye her hair in different colors. There's nothing wrong with it, especially if the husband wants it. And the lady should understand that in this day and age, it's important to see where you can accommodate one another, because it's a highly sexualized world.
And we say to the partner that if your needs are met in the home, there won't be the temptation to look outside.
The second thing is that to remove unwanted Hey, what is the ruling of the Sharia. So the Sharia says that without the exception of the shaping of the eyebrows, every other unwanted hair is permissible for a lady to remove.
So she could remove armpit hair, she could remove the hair on the legs, it's totally fine. Nothing wrong
to remove also other external growth wherever it may be is permissible. Likewise, some ladies have extra growth under face. Sometimes they grow mustache or other facial hair. It is totally permissible for a lady to remove that unwanted hair. Yes, there is a prohibition in the Hadith. But Mr. novoa, we are on to lolly mentioned that that prohibition is far as the shaping of the eyebrows are concerned, that is not allowed. But other than that, if there's hair on the cheek or whatever it is, it's absolutely permissible for a lady to remove and moving on further. It's also permissible for her to remove it using temporary measures or even permanent measures.
Part of adornment is to use a beautiful fragrance. For a lady it's totally permissible within the confines of the home. Yes, the Hadith where the angels curse a lady is with regards to that lady who puts on such strong perfume that can be noticed from a distance that when she's passing by a group of men, automatically the headstone that Hadith refers to that scenario, to within the confines of the home It is absolutely permissible for a lady to use beautiful fragrance. The next aspect is about intimate way. It's totally totally permissible for your partner to dress intimately for you within the confines of your room where there is no other strangers in the house. Totally
permissible. Nothing wrong with that. And don't think it's a gauge of piety. I mean, if your husband likes for you to be attractive, and if he doesn't get it in his house, obviously he's going to find other women attractive outside.
The intention for the wife should be that I'm protecting the chestatee of my husband. So if he likes intimate way I will invest in it and he was also invest
moving on further
part of psychological preparation on behalf of the ladies. It is for them to adopt the feminine behavior. That is why the Quran amazingly when it speaks about the voice of a lady the Quran says further. Donna bill coalfired my lady fi calbee murghab wakulla Nicola ma rufa it was stranger knocks on your door. The Quran says to the women folk, that do not answer the stranger in a sweet, alluring tone. For this will create desire in the person that's knocking on the door. So what is the Quran referring to that a lady by default, has charm. Has beauty has attraction in her voice.
And part of psychological preparation for intimacy is for a lady to speak in a palatable beautiful, forthcoming tone
it's a psychological point to keep in mind Mashallah. So gentleness, politeness beauty in a tone is also part of psychological preparation. Moving on further as far as the man is concerned, remember when I wouldn't lie in a bill maher rule of law says, For women.
There's also certain rights that a man needs to fulfill
the law does
The last time on whom I used to say,
I would love to adorn myself for my wife, just as I want her to adorn herself for me.
I would love to adorn myself for my wife just as I want her to adorn herself for me. So this is how we need to approach intimacy. In Isola to Nisa.
imaam Missa Rahmatullah makes mention of incident, a lady comes to our prom and she says, I want divorce. So I asked her, What's your reason? So she said, My husband is extremely untidy. He's extremely filthy. I just can't deal with these unhygenic practices. So Morocco booted the husband, he saw that the men had disheveled hair, dirty clothes, and unhygenic practices. So I called him he said, my brother, why don't you go home, have your hair cut, trim your nails, take a bath, change your clothes, and be more meticulous. So he told the lady just be patient. Let's see if there's any improvement. Some time later, our laptop follows up on the case and he asked the wife, how are
things? She said, I'm happy with him. I no longer want the divorce.
Imagine a lady wants a divorce just because of unhygenic practices.
And many men are inconsiderate. When it comes to the issue of smoking. It's not right. She says Milena, I first of all, I never grew up in a home where people were smoking. Secondly, I put up with him. I said, Okay, nevermind is my husband. I'll accept it. But now the person is pushing it in our bed, the man is smoking.
How is it that you're going to be turned on for one another? When it is a serious issue for your wife for you, it's not an issue.
For you, it's not an issue. But for your wife. It's a serious issue. I mean, after she married me with everything. So
if you are smoking, you must be considered at least half an hour before you come to bed, have your last cigarette habit in the lounge or have it somewhere out of the bedroom. At least respect the privacy of your wife and what she is what she is sensitive to. If you are insensitive to this, you're killing the chances of meaningful relationships. So it's important if you are smoking, that you have certain restrictions and regulations for yourself. I mean, you must you must have certain discipline
moving on further than a via for loss and aloha leaves in a month. So
a man with very untidy clothes. So he said to the Sahaba doesn't this man have some detergents or something to clean his clothes and wait neat and presentable clothing. He actually told us a habit to tell this men to go change his clothes. So panela On another occasion, he saw another man with disheveled hair. So he said a man he to hire them. You said Kenobi Shah who doesn't this man have a comb at home which he can use to comb his hair. So
as far as the men is concerned,
it is permissible to dye your hair as long as it is not black. In fact that we have a masala Holly will send them said that the best way to conceal old age is to use henna. That means dye. Now obviously that this involves effort every two weeks, you have to sit in front of the mirror for one hour, groom yourself and be presentable. In fact, when a book for half an hour of the mountain I know the father of Abu Bakar acidic when he wanted to accept Islam then we have a law looked at his white hair. And he said maybe you want to use henna to change the color of your beard and the color of your hair.
The whole point here is when you are beautiful when you are presentable, the spark continues.
And when you take things for granted, when you've got bad habits, and bad unhygenic habits, it just kills the chances for intimacy when you want to get close to your partner. Moving on further.
It's part of good practice that you remove pubic hair on a weekly basis.
And the worst is to stretch it for the 40 day period. You got to make time for yourself to groom yourself. So there will be a last set maximum 40 days advisable desirable on a weekly basis. If not even less than death, Masha Allah. The next aspect was regards to men is your beards. It is important to keep your beard also neat and tidy.
Alright on a psychological
For the husband, this is extremely important. So
that is, one is foreplay, which we'll get to in Sharla in another session altogether and one is to treat your wife affectionately before the actual encounter.
Then we have a law civil law Hollywood cillum said a common remote meaning that Eman And
the best amongst you are those who are kind to the women folk.
And then we have a loss of the law is seldom said era middle or high do can usually do in Morocco gel the lab
for the Arlo yoga journal happened to me, he said, how is it that you lift your hand on your wife? You Ill treat her in the starting of the day. And when nightfall you want to have intimacy with her. Wow.
Look at as Henry. He said, how is it that you Ill treat your wife during the start of the day? And at night you want to go on top of her and have intimate relations with her? How can a beautiful LA City doesn't go together? It doesn't go together.
So if you are rude to your partner, if you are ill treating them, how do you expect them to be intimate with you at the end of the day? How is it possible that when relations become a duty for the wife, they doing it for the sake of doing it and they are not in it.
So to be affectionate throughout the day to use endearment terms, to use nice palatable statements towards your wife is important so that you win her over emotionally before you get with her physical.
Remember there is a psychological difference between men and women. For men sex is a physical deed. For women, sex is an emotional deed.
Remember that? So if a woman is emotionally setting ated during the day, she will be much more intimate with you when it comes to intimacy on a physical level. So Hannah Allah, may Allah subhanaw taala give us the true understanding of this.
Remember, preparation is important as sex itself.