Love #03 – Is it advisable for me to marry someone who isn’t religious?

Fatima Barkatulla


Channel: Fatima Barkatulla


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Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah dear brothers and sisters As salam aleikum, wa rahmatullah wa barakato. And welcome to another episode of love Sherpa q&a.

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I've got a question here from a brother. And he asked me, he says Assalamualaikum mastaba.

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And he mentions, but I just wanted to ask you, what level of religiosity should I look for, given that my parents want to find someone who is a little younger than me? I'm 21 years old.

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My parents suggest that someone who is young can easily be molded. And so her level of religion doesn't matter. But this goes against every advice I have heard on choosing the one who has the deen. Right, so so the brother is asking, what level of religiosity should he look for in a in a prospective spouse, given that his parents want to find somebody a little younger than him? So his parents are saying, you know, since it's somebody young, doesn't really matter, if they're not religious, because, you know, you can influence her in a positive way and bring her around to becoming religious. And the brother is saying this goes against the advice that he's

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heard. So Jazakallah, Heron, brother for the question, I'm sure it's a question that many people face. Sometimes people's parents are not themselves, particularly religious or knowledgeable about Islam. And so,

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you know, they they probably ask, you know, does it really matter as long as it's a nice person that they have a nice demeanor or personality? So, brother, there's five things that I want to mention here.

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And I hope that other people can also take heed of these things. So the first is that the Prophet the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in Sahih, Al Bukhari and Sahih Muslim will find this hadith that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Tony Mara to Irvine, Li Malia Wali huseby her Wali Jamal, Lehigh Valley Dena, further farfara be that Dean, sorry, but yeah, Doc, the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that a woman is usually married for four qualities, right? There are four things that people usually look for,

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or marry a woman for. The first he said is because she's wealthy, she's from a wealthy family and they're attracted to, because of her wealth, or because of her status. Maybe she is somebody from a very noble family, very prestigious family. So they are attracted to that and well, he Jamali her for her beauty and well it anyhow, or for her piety? Right, her religiosity and piety and then the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam himself said, you should choose or you should hold on to and choose the person of Dean, the woman who has the deen

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and, you know, if you do that, that's then you will be successful. So, this is the meaning of the Hadith that I just mentioned. And Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said in another Hadith, which is related in a tirmidhi and even Marja, he said either hotter La La Combe mentor Dona Dena who were who Luca who fuzzer we do, he said to the men in particular, he was talking but, but we could take general benefit from it. But he said that if a person comes to propose

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to you with a proposal to you for your you know, your daughter's hand in marriage, and you are happy with his Deen his religiosity and his whole look, his personality, his manners, his you know, the way he deals with people, right? The whole look here is his Mashallah you know, the way he deals with people and, and the character that he shows right.

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marry him to your daughter Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam said, and that it goes on. So here Rasulullah sallallahu he says

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Highlighted two key qualities, right? He said the dean, the religiosity of a person, and the HELOC, the character and their good manners and their good club. This these are the two key characteristics that a person should really look for when it comes to marriage. Now, since hustle a lot, a lot of salon said so clearly, in these Hadith, that marry the person of the, you know, there's this emphasis on that the person who has religiosity, who cares about the relationship with Allah, right?

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And because Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said this, and it's not appropriate for believers, to then say, No, it's not important. You know, obviously, it could be that your parents are not aware of this hadith. But for you, now that you are aware of this Hadith, I will say to you that you know, Allah says in the Quran, yeah, you will Lavina Amman latter for a sweater comb focus on the nebby that, yeah, oh, you who believe. Don't raise your voices above the voice of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and the meaning of this, if you look at the in the books of that series, that don't when the when the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam

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has told us to do something. Right? Then it's not appropriate for the believer to then say, No, no, I don't think that's correct. Or I think there's another way that might be better. Right? That's one of the meanings of this ayah right. When we hear something established in the Quran, and the authentics on that we, we hear it and we know that this is something from Allah subhanho wa Taala, our Creator or from the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and we say, Samia, Anna, we're Aparna we listen, and we obey, right? It's not now for me to say, Well, I don't think is really a big deal, right? So it's really important that we bear that in mind. So that's the first

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point the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam really emphasized the dean when it comes to looking for a spouse. And the second point is, when it comes to the advice of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, we should not put our own ideas or thoughts.

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Any above the advice of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam when he's explicitly told us something. The third thing I really want to highlight, and this is something for both brothers and sisters, to really internalize.

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We need to stop looking at marriage as being merely a Hollywood love story or hate.

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No, marriage is about worshipping Allah subhana wa ala on this earth in the best way possible, with a companion who will help you to be able to do that.

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Right? Marriage is about becoming a nation builder.

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Yeah, I really want you to really think about that, you know, you are more than just a sexual being right, who's gonna have relations and intimacy with somebody? Of course, of course, that's a part of our lives. Right. That's, that's an important part of marriage and a blessing part of marriage within the marital context is it's a blessing thing, right? However, it's not where marriage ends. Marriage is so much more. This person who you're going to marry is going to be the mother of your children, the mother of your children, you know, the Arabs in the past that used to be careful about who would breastfeed their children.

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Right. So, you know, they used to have this culture of suckling moms, suckling mothers, they used to have, like, witnesses who would take the children when they were born, or, you know, soon after, and they would take them to the desert and they would

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breastfeed them and become their foster mothers. But the Arabs used to be careful about who they would give their babies to. And the reason for that is, you know, there's an Arab saying that you know, the wetness she's giving more than milk. She's giving more to the child than milk and understanding is that the wetness

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By being the primary nurturer of that child is actually passing on values is passing on, personality is passing on much more than just food to the baby, right? And so if you're wetness has good character, then your child will pick up that good character, that good culture, you know, from her and her family. And if the witness has bad character, or if the witness is not the right sort of person, then that could potentially be a negative influence on your child. So

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So what more for the mother, right?

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The reason why are sort of La sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is telling the men to choose a person of Deen and he's telling all of us even the women to choose a person of Deen. The reason why Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is telling all of us to choose a person for their Deen first and foremost, right? Doesn't mean that the other characteristics are important.

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Of course, like we want to marry somebody who is visually pleasing to us, right? That's one of the aims of marriage that you will find it easy to lower your gaze because you are satisfied with your spouse. However, what the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is telling us is what the priority is. And the priority is the deal. Why? Because this relationship, this marriage is more than just a union of two people. Right? This marriage is all about living the rest of your life in sha Allah, together as believers striving through the difficulties of life, together,

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as believers, right. And if you marry somebody who doesn't have the right mindset, especially with regards to their relationship with a lot,

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and it's going to be very, very difficult to get through the tough times.

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Because, you know, that person does not look at the world in the same way that you do, doesn't look at the world, with the eyes of a believer in the way that you do.

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So that's one aspect. But another aspect is that marriage is the beginning of family, right? And then families create communities and societies and are the building blocks of the oma, the owner of Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

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what we want is

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to have offspring who are pious, we want offspring who are nurtured with Iman.

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And the primary person, okay, who's going to convey that a man, that right mindset, that right attitude is going to be the mother.

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The fourth point that I wanted to make is that it's true, that sometimes, you know, you see that somebody might marry somebody who's not particularly religious, and then over time, they managed to influence them, etc, etc. However, it's a very risky thing to do. Right? It's a risky thing to do for somebody who has the choice. And I'm assuming you have the ability to choose and find somebody who's religious, I'm sure you do. Right? It's a very risky thing to avoid the women of the in the women who obey Allah Subhana, wa Taala. And go for somebody who doesn't have a particularly strong relationship with Allah, thinking that you might be able to influence that person. So if you marry

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somebody who's say, 19 or 20, right, just judging by the age that you mentioned, then that means that for 19 years, for 20 years, your prospective spouse

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was brought up in a way that they were not brought up with Islam, that we're not brought up in a religious way. Right. And that's definitely going to have an impact. I think it's very risky for people to kind of assume that they can marry someone and then change them. And the reason why I know this is because we see many cases in our community and you know, people who've come to us in the past have where, you know, the husband is religious and the why

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is not listening to him and she's on a different wavelength. And you know, it causes Discord. And we see it the other way around as well, you know, sisters who are desperate for their husbands to become more religious, their husbands not praying their husbands not doing the basics. And, you know, they they're very fearful that they're in our marriage where the husband won't do the basics of Islam.

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So it causes a lot of disruption, it causes potentially a lot of hardship, it causes problems with regards to the way that they want to bring up their children, etc, etc. So these are all things you need to be really aware of, you know, these are all risks. And as I said,

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there might be cases where a person has been able to influence their spouse. However, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam didn't give that as his advice, right? his advice was marry the person who, whose religion is sorted, right? The fifth point that I want to make is,

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so what does that mean? What exactly does that mean, you know, marrying somebody religious. What it means is brother that at least the person should have

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observance of the fundamentals of Islam, right, the person should observe the five pillars of Islam, they should be somebody who prays should be somebody who false somebody who

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gives them a car, if they have wealth, and who knows about these things, who knows about these obligations, right? And somebody who obeys Allah Subhana Allah in, in all of the words you but right, the things that are Lost Planet, Allah made obligatory, so things like the way they dress when they go outside, of course, the hijab, right? These things are things I would recommend that brothers religious brothers, that you, you do seek out people who care about the hate job, because believe me, in a way, we see cases of people who really have difficulty after marriage, because people's hearts are not in our hands, at the end of the day, right.

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And somebody who is brought up not used to a certain thing, you can't necessarily assume that tomorrow, they will start doing that thing, right? So it's really important that when we look for a spouse, we think about the fact that, you know, if this person's relationship with a law is sorted to a particular level, right to a decent level, and what that means is this person in their life so far, has been able to come to the conclusion and, and have and build their relationship with a loss of handle data. And then as I said, in times of hardship, you know, and life is full of hardship. You know, there are tough times ahead. There are challenging times ahead. Yes, there are exciting

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and positive and thrilling times ahead, as well. However, we know that last panatela told us, he's going to test us throughout life.

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And you want to meet those tests of life with somebody who will strengthen you, who won't be somebody who will

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hinder your religious progress, right. So, dear brothers and sisters, let us heed the advice of the Prophet salallahu alayhi wasallam as much as we can, when he said that a woman is married for for things, for her wealth, for her nobility, for her beauty and for her Dean, and hold on to the one of Dean choose the person of the if you want to be successful. One of the things that many brothers don't seem to realize is that when their wife goes out in public, it's actually their responsibility to advise their wife to dress in an appropriate way.

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Right, and it's not just their wife, the people in their family. So the husband is the head of the house, the husband is the person with whom the buck stops, right. And the husband is responsible for the tarbiyah of his household. And believe me, brother, if your wife is somebody who is conscientious, she's going to be the coolness of your eyes.

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If she's somebody who fears Allah, and when you're feeling weak, she will remind you, she will strengthen you. Right, and vice versa. And believe me

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Whether your wife if she is a pious person, and a person of good character will nurture your children and bring them up upon goodness, and the effect of marrying a pious woman is going to last for generations to come, generations to come. And this is why I like to emphasize that when we're getting married, we're marrying somebody who's going to be the mother of our children, the father of our children. We're marrying someone, and we're building a nation with them, right? Our children than our children's children than their children and their children, this will be a nation and we are the foundation of that nation.

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And so if the foundations of that nation are firm and good, then inshallah it will continue to be good for generations to come and the effects of it will last. So please bear all of that in mind. Aaron, was Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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Good day.