Keeping Marriage Strong Post-Kids Raising Believers

Fatima Barkatulla

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Channel: Fatima Barkatulla

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With Imam Ajmal Masroor, Masterclass Xtra Session

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Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa Salatu was Salam ala Rasulillah Dear brothers and sisters parents, As Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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Alhamdulillah. Today we have with us Imam Jamal Masroor RAM as well is a prominent Imam here in the UK, Mashallah. He's had a rich Islamic education himself. And I think he's got his finger in many pies, mashallah, I have here with me

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his book, which he kindly sent me, it's called 10 steps to getting and staying married.

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And I've been looking through the book and reading various chapters, you might look first of all Salam aleikum to you said,

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Thank you for joining us.

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I thought it was really interesting that your book was called, and staying married. You know, I think that's that was quite quite an important addition to the, to the title.

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And on our course, here at raising believers, we've got parents, many parents,

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some of whom have got just gotten married. They're not parents, yet, sorry, the prospective parents, some who are expecting a child for the first time, and others who have been married for some time,

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I'd love to hear from you. Because I've noticed you have a whole chapter in the book about, you know, having when you have children, marriage and children, and you say, for example, in one section, preparing for children, that

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you've got to prepare mentally for the, for the profound change, that your life will never be the same again, and to invest time in acquiring knowledge about parenting.

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And I think you really stress the fact that,

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you know, children are going to have an impact on marriage. So please tell us, what would you like parents to know? What's the most important stuff you'd like? The new parent to know

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about?

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Marriage after children? And also, what would you like parents who've already got children?

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And, you know, things have changed already? What would you like them to know? Does that.

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Thank you very much, Fatima for that kind introduction and lavish praise of my book.

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This book was a product of

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25 years of marriage.

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Second book in a series of books for marriage I'd written first one was a smaller book. And as far as showing you this bigger book, I'll show you the smaller one. That was the smallest one. Oh, yes, I remember. Yes. That as well. It's called 10. Things You Should Know About marriage, this was just a basic introduction, because a lot of people were asking me to write small, because people don't have the time to read. So that was very popular, it sold many copies.

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And then this is quite thick, bigger one. That was about 97 pages. And this is about 409 pages. So substantially different, but this is got a lot more depth to it. And also, deliberately written with

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a further revision of my original position. Some of it had changed and new learning and new research had influenced my thoughts as well as my experiences and further exposure to more couples. But anyway, without talking too much about the book,

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let's talk about marriage post parenting.

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I don't want to be talking about parenting, because that in itself is a separate program. I want to talk about how to retain how to manage how to build and sustain a relationship, post marriage, post or post parents post children in the sense that once you've had your children, the children grow up and to an age when you're no longer. They're no longer dependent on you. And that's when the biggest problem begins. I have a lot of couples who come to my my counseling program. Often they say, Oh, brother, we got married. We're busy with life for the last 20 years until our last child graduated. Now we're looking at one another. What do we do? We've got nothing to do. The wife says to the

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husband, well, I'm no longer a mother not needed anymore. You're too busy with your life. You don't need me, although I do. And the husband turns up turns around and says, Well, I've been too busy providing I don't need to provide as much. I busy myself with my friends and hobbies.

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I don't know how to be married anymore. And in many cases, we see such marriages, unfortunately ending in divorce.

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So I think it's important to discuss that. And I it's important for you, brothers and sisters listening to this conversation to reflect on it and Fatima at anytime you want to ask or stop me or interject, please feel free. Sometimes, I wanted to say that. I think what you're highlighting here is for what, and I can relate to this with people who come to me for advice, but also my own experience. When your kids are very young. It's like you've got a joint project, isn't it like, you're really like engaged, first of all your children are born out of the love that you have for each other anyway, right. So you have this real bonding because of the children,

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and also so intense.

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But as it becomes less and less intense, you kind of reflect on yourself and see how you've actually changed, your husband has changed. You're both changing anyway, throughout life. I think that's when some of these issues start. So let's go back, all the way to the beginning. You were married, as a husband and a wife, and you did not come with children, even if you had children before marriage with other partners. Even in this first marriage, you came as a bride in the groom, you got married husband and a wife, and your relationship was consolidated. And you nurtured invested your time and effort in ensuring this relationship that you have is the only relationship that matters. That's

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what you that's marriage, the concept of creating Sakina a safe space, where Allah will pour his more than love and mercy so that you can create a space in which you can grow, you can flourish, you can realize your dreams aspirations together. With children and without children, you can still individually continue even if you have no children. That requires the realization that the purpose of marriage isn't to have children.

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Those people who fail to recognize this they fail to understand the purpose of marriage the purpose of marriage is defined by Allah. In the Quran, he says later schooling we later are required later schooling, he could have said something else, the purpose is defined by the word li Tuscano. So you can actually create your home with them.

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The purpose of marriage is to create a partnership between a man and a woman

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partnership in which a man and a woman can live in their home with complementary skills and complementary,

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not values, but

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Asper aspirations often, because your values and your principles must align.

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So it's important to know that the purpose of marriage isn't to have children. The purpose of marriage, according to Islam is to create that partnership, a safe space in which you can realize your physical and emotional spiritual, your sexual your financial, your needs in life are fulfilled completely, rather than partially.

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In a marriage, the only thing we cannot do outside of marriage is having sexual relationship with somebody else. Everything else we could do outside of marriage, we don't need to be with a wife or a husband to have financial stability. We could be multimillionaires by our own selves. We don't need physically to have somebody in our life to become successful. Or if I'm a an athlete, if I am a

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somebody who goes to the gym regularly, so I don't need my physical well being being looked after by somebody, I can be spiritually fulfilled. Many scholars in Islamic history didn't have the chance or the time or the opportunity to get married, either they were too busy studying, preaching, reading and writing or in prison. They prove they were fulfilling their lives. They didn't get married. So if we look at your life, all aspects of life can be fulfilled. The only area you can't fulfill without somebody in your life is the sexual part sexual relationship. And Islam provides a space a safe and secure space and committed space a space that is blessed by Allah, you take an oath in

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front of Allah that you will be accepting each other as married couple, sign a contract, I give my heart to the wife and in return, you establish a relationship, an intimate relationship, a relationship of two people. The second part of it is that when you come together as two people in a real in a relationship, the verse of the Quran, hula lovers to let them want to move as hula hula is imperative in understanding this very partnership that Allah has given you. Allah talks about each of us, my wife as my garment and I'm a garment. Now Labor's will become one to leave us to Laguna is a metaphor

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It's an indication of, it's a metaphor using Libous the concept of garment to define something to tell us something profound.

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You know, my shirt, you can see on my skin is sitting on it.

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Very little gap between me and my shirt. Each and every one of our garments occupy that space that nobody else has had the garment does. It knows every inch of my body. It's no it knows the smell, the texture, the humps, and the bumps, it knows them the blemishes, it knows things that the world should not know. Or I'd be horrified if the world knew. It knows the smell. It knows the good and the bad and the ugly side of me. It knows me very well intimately privately, it protects me covers me It keeps privacy and confidentiality at its foremost possible level. It provides me warmth, it provides me comfort, it covers my embarrassment, my shame, it doesn't broadcast it to the world. It

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fits me comfortably, it's never perfect.

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It's always comfortable. I don't have a car or garment that I will wear for long if it's not comfortable. Now if you were to put this perspective into an Islamic, ideal or human ideally the way it makes perfect sense it has been in the wife come together. And in the Quran, we find in the verse that Allah talks about fasting,

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when the companions were complaining gals who have been fasting the whole day, and throughout the fasting hours, we're not allowed to be with our wife or husband sexually deprived of it are we allowed to continue after we've broken our fast and the order that comes from Allah is yes, of course, not only does Allah say, Go and enjoy, but he described the joy and B skin to skin with one another. The phrase used in this particular boss is B skin to skin with your spouse. Now, again, the intimacy of a relationship is defined in the Quran, as garment. And again, skin to skin as Allah defines it in the Quran. So these two threads

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bind us together into one understanding for partnership partnership of two human beings who are there to give one another, that powerful, intimate connection that you cannot get anywhere else. It can only be given freely to the other person because you're not committed to that person. You feel safe enough, secure enough to be in that relationship. You don't feel you'd be abused, you don't feel you will be taken advantage of. You don't feel you will be exposed, you'll be protected. All of those feelings enable you to nurture your intimacy. You want to love this person every day more because you feel safe with that person. That's what intimacy is. Intimacy literally means proximity,

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how close you are. And this intimacy or of proximity isn't just the physical intimacy. It's also the emotional intimacy that you feel by creating the partnership. That emotional intimacy is then fathered by intimacy created by words when you speak to one another with kindness, colon Karima, with words of compassion and generosity with Colin lejana softness, when you talk to one another with words that mean what you say and say what you mean. And, you know, so all of those create a space called a Sakina. Now, if we were to translate that into our relationship, this has begun, the moment we got married, it didn't begin after children, actually, children would not have come to

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this world had we not that kind of a feeling before.

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And we're not created that bond, we would not be able to achieve even children. And the third element that I want to introduce to you and this is a very important one. And if you feel embarrassed, forgive me, I don't have any shyness in talking about the truth.

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When two people come together physically, that touch, the intimate touch generates chemicals in our brain, the happy hormones are released immediately, the serotonin that we need, so importantly, the dopamine that we need. So importantly, all of these in different badges in different times different ways are released in our brain. It enabled our brains to recognize the other person not as a foe, but as a friend, not as a threat. But as somebody who we can completely trust and be vulnerable with them. It's the chemical processes that enable us to bond and cement that relationship.

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And when the physical bodies meet, at an at a sexual level, the chemistry or

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Have the the of the of the powerful conjugal relationship between the couple enables each other to physically connect.

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And even exchange within the bodies fluid enables you to connect more than physically.

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It's a very powerful connection.

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The fact that we are conscious of it, the fact that we have a brain,

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the fact that we have feeling, the fact that we have a knifes the personality that we have, the fact that we have a rule, the soul. All of these are interconnected to every emotions, every experience that there'll be a journeying through, in our sexual encounters with our husbands, our wives in our marital relationship. And it creates a profound bond that is unshakable, a stranger suddenly becomes more important than my own parents.

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Because of what's happened to you emotionally, physically, physiologically, as well as the chemical changes that have taken place, because of the sharing of everything, from your kisses, to bodily fluid, to touches, and the chemical that has been released or have been released in your brain. It's impossible not to feel secure and safe in a relationship, where so much has happened.

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All of those powerful things you enjoy at the beginning of your relationship, all the fireworks, as we call them, the honeymoon, honeymoon honeymoon period.

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Couples are added continuously is the complaints are often we don't do anything now is also a frustration and a complaint. Oh, what's happened to us, or what's happened to you is that you forgot that you are a couple ones.

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And you suddenly became parents. And you thought, now that I'm parents, I'm a parent, I need to completely dive into my role as a parent, but at the expense of my couple relationship. So you're no longer sleeping in the same bed because there's a baby in between,

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you are not able to rest well, because somebody is constantly waking you up, screaming their heads off either to suckle from you or be fed or Claire cleansed, you are constantly sleep deprived. You can't even talk to one another meaningfully anymore. Because another human being is constantly crying, and crying for for your attention. Even if you get two minutes spare, you just want to sleep because you're so tired. So those period when you are so focused on being a parent, your conjugal relationship, your intimate relationship is effected unless you're conscious. And if you were to put those years to about seven years, on average, from the day the baby is born until about seven, when

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you start disconnecting, it doesn't happen as clinically as I'm just suggesting, you've got one child, seven years, two years, within that seven years and another child is born. So that seven years now becomes nine years because somebody else's seven years or just began, third child comes along, it becomes 11 years, fourth child comes along, it becomes 15 years before you know 20 years have passed. And you as a husband and a wife have actually not had that powerful conjugal relationship that you enjoyed. And that what you called honeymoon period, your brain has already disconnected the neural pathways that were created in your brain, the familiarity of smell, touch,

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texture, love the laughter, the smallest gesture will turn you on instantly, in presence of your husband or your wife doesn't happen anymore, because your brain is no longer connected 20 years of a gap of 15 years of a gap. You know, what if there is a gap of six months is long enough. So somehow we lose our parent thing. We lose our relationship while we're doing parenting. And then the children have grown up. We have yet every now and again connected as couples, once in a month, once in six months, if you're lucky, once in three years, maybe when I when I feel like all of those whether that is happening or because your career is taken over. Something has given in because

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somebody had to make those powerful sacrifices to bring these children up at the beginning of your relationship. You said to each other. You know what, don't worry about food. I don't need to eat food, bread and butter would do but stay in bed for today. But when the child is born, no, we can't stay in bed. Get up, get your food, go and get your job, get your money otherwise you can't pay the bills. Now the children have grown up. You have not connected as a couple properly. Either you're too busy in your career, or you're too busy being a parent or a mother or a father, whichever prominent role you took. And then the children are not going to

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universities, you're seeing more of one another, you're getting very agitated. His presence is driving you up the wall. Her presence is thinking, making you think, oh my god, I'm very uncomfortable, especially nowadays, when we're working from home more and more. We don't know what to do, in fact, more arguments. In fact, you're even saying, you know, what, can we just call it a day, I don't want to see you anymore. You're trying to run away from the fact that there has been a massive gap, and you just don't know how to reconnect, or you don't know how to reconnect. In fact, you're too scared of reconnecting, or you just can't be bothered. I can't do it. I'm too old. Now.

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There are many other younger ones out there who he will find attractive to Who am I am an old bad, he's not even gonna look at me, you already defeated yourself. closed down, shut down. You're not interested. And by the way, something else has happened in your life in between all of that 20 years of past, pre menopausal symptoms have started appearing in your body. Your body is now shutting down from reproductive process as a woman.

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And or you haven't even realized you're already in menopause. And other five years of hell, hot flushes, changes, hormones going everywhere. Periods not happening regularly. I'm having too much period, too many periods. But what do I do? I can't cope with this. And he's sometimes bugging me for sex. He wants a bit of time. I can't give any of this. Before you know, the relationship has gone completely aground. And is a recipe for disaster. What do you do?

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answer to all of that. All of those have that I've just described. My brothers and sisters is original statement that I made there, your government, you're their dog. If you invested in your government, and not neglected it, even if it is nominal, you would still be knowing how to be a couple.

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I say to couples, diarize six, put sex on your diary. Every Monday morning, we're going to have sex.

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Every Tuesday evening, we're going to go and watch a film. Every Thursday night, we're going to go out for a walk. Every Sunday morning, we're going to leave our kids with somebody, we pay a babysitter, 20 pounds, 30 pounds, 40 pounds, whatever it is, we're just going to go out for on walk, excuse me, or cycling.

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You if you don't get into a habit of doing something dramatic about it. You will regret it at the end because it's too late. It's almost irreconcilable and not recoverable. And not repairable, because things have gone too far. So what do you do post children? Please recalibrate where you are right now?

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And start rethinking Oh, my God.

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All of those things he has said? It's absolutely true. It applies to me, what do I do now? Do I break up my marriage? No, don't break up your marriage, there are ways of sorting them out. I can advertise for my own services. If you're interested, of course, self serving, any counselor will do the job. Just go to somebody to seek help. Just don't shut down. Don't run away, because running away is not going to solve your problems. Anyway, have blabbered on for longer than I really want to. I thought I'll give you all of these that were bubbling in my head, and I'll share it with you and then inshallah we'll generate more questions from all of you, but particularly,

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from yourself, a Fatima then we can shall carry on with the conversation for longer?

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Sure does that does Akela Heron and brothers and sisters who are listening, please do. Start thinking about your questions. If you want to post any questions, please do post them as well on the chat.

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I do have some questions that people sent me beforehand as well. But before we started going into those and we give people a chance to write out their questions in the chat.

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Okay, so a couple of things have come to my mind. Number one, physical changes, physical changes, so So wait before before we go into that, I like the idea that you just raise their hand I've read about this quite a lot as well. But, you know, if you're not deliberate about scheduling in

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certain regular activities with your spouse

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is life just takes over doesn't it especially when you're both very busy people and then suddenly you're looking at you're you're thinking to yourself, you know, it's been a month it's been two months it's been whatever right like since we even had a laugh together. You know, we didn't even we don't even get a chance to have any kind of intimate conversation together. Forget about

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anything more. Right? So I think that's really important. What you highlighted you know that actually becoming deliberate about it and regular about it.

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When it comes to you

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Physical changes. So I think, of course, like when you've had a baby from for a woman, her body changes quite a lot. And then maybe if she's had a few, and then sometimes her kind of confidence can suffer. You know, there's there's other elements that come in.

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Would you say it's quite common from your experience, for there to be periods of time, because this is what I've heard and what I've heard from others, especially, that there can be ups and downs in terms of intimacy in marriage. And that if you do have a period where, you know, there is very little intimacy, you shouldn't lose hope you shouldn't think that. That's it. Now, you know, we're shutting down that department if you like, you know, but actually, there are ways back.

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Okay, but let's, let's,

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let's address those issues. So first thing first, which has to do with our physical changes, everybody will physically change, inevitably.

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Unfortunately, in the Western world, even though we're taught so much about sex and sexuality from even before we're ready, there are certain realities that are not really being taught. One is how to embrace Aging Gracefully. Yeah, behaving disgracefully. We're not being taught that. So women are not being taught that actually, there is a shutdown date in your body. You need to learn to manage this shutting down of the reproductive process, not your human self. And your existence is not the end of the world. But you have got to manage it. You got to learn to manage it. And if you're in denial, then what you do is you think, Oh, my God, something is happening. I've got to go to

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doctors. I'm going to take HRT, hormone replacement therapy, I'm going to take injections. So what you're doing is you're artificially delaying your menopause, in order for you to feel sexually young still, that in itself is a myth. What makes you think you can enjoy sex later with older age? What makes you think menopause is going to be a hinderance or total endurance for sexual activities. These are all Western myth myth perpetuated by this forever young industry that teaches us falsely and puts extraordinary pressure on women to look for a year. It sickens the mind of a man thinking a woman will look how all the woman they see looking on the media. And it also puts extraordinary

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pressure on a woman to behave in a particular way. Otherwise, why would you be and I'm not talking about you as a person. A Why would a woman be so?

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What kind of a mindset would a person have to put lip filler inside their lip and look so grotesquely ugly, and think they're looking good? I just, I just can't fathom it. Fatima. What makes a woman think putting a layer of paint on her face. And what makes a woman think that shaving off her eyebrows and putting a thinner line over here, and extending her eyelashes and putting mascaras and various colors of rainbow on her face makes it look attractive? As soon as she cries, she looks like a mess. And even all of that makes her look like a mess. Ask a man. Most men would say oh my god, they will just look down and say nothing.

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It's a self delusional

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belief that you're somehow going to look younger by doing these silly things to your face.

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Okay, somebody has had a bout of spots on their face, and they're feeling slightly uncomfortable showing off and they're just putting a slight cover. I'm not denying the realities of life. That's okay. That's not a problem. I'm not saying that. You had a scar on your face or putting a little bit of makeup to cover that up. That's not no problem. Nobody is stupid to say can't do that. But I live a lie. I literally see sisters wearing wonderful hijab or no hijab. But the amount of makeup they have put on, I literally could paint my wall with it.

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And I just don't understand. I think it's a type of insecurity and this insecurity is being pushed. And somebody said this to me yesterday, one of my clients said this to me yesterday. She said to me, I don't think you understand as a man's, we as a woman, we're competing against other woman. We're not interested in human beings being attractive in your eyes. We're competing with one another. We look at another woman. She looks younger, much fresher looks amazing. I'm thinking oh my god, I look like an old bag. How can I look like her? And I say to everybody, you will never look like

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if she's younger than you. You will never look alike. So Islam teaches aging Grace.

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Fully, physically, and the appears that you have aged gracefully. What does it mean? If you've been eating too much? In other words, you've just gained weight and you are responsible for your own. You don't suffer from

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overactive or underactive thyroid or you've not been in medication or childbirth has left you extra excessive amount of weight. extraordinary circumstances has left you weight that is beyond your control. Islam teaches us to be not overweight. Those are seldom has taught us to, but there are people who can't shed their weight. Our worker was very slim at the beginning of his life. But later on in his life, he developed a potbelly.

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So he came to Salomon said, yeah, so Allah, you told me about our garment not to go below our ankle. I can't keep mine above. So Sam looked at his belly and smiled. And he said, You're okay, because you don't have arrogance. No man with a big belly can can keep his trousers above his belly button is impossible. It will slide down. I shall not the Allahu anha was very light and very slim, so slim, that when they picked Aisha up on her carrier for the camel, nobody could feel she is in it because she was so light. Later on, she became so heavy that she wasn't even getting on account. It was a difficult journey for her. Look, life changes, circumstances changes, our body changes we just

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have to embrace them and feel fit enough for what we have content enough with what we have and let compete with somebody else out there. Who looks different to me. If you I do quite a powerful exercise with my clients will whoever is suffering from this awful fear of themselves I say look in the mirror and say yeah, Allah Thank you very much for my nose. Yeah, Allah Thank you very much for my eyes. Yeah, Allah Thank you very much for my collarbone. Your Allah Thank you very much for my hair. Thank you very much for my breasts, my legs, my hips, my I identify, look at them. And thank Allah naming them. And I gave this exercise to sister. I said to her do this for me for one week,

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every day. After one week, she came back and she said to me, I can't stop crying. Somehow my body has changed as to what you mean. She goes, I don't look at my at the mirror. And I don't see an ugly woman looking back at me. I see Allah's beautiful creation. Looking back at me. I said, because you've been thinking a lot. And you're all this time, you've been thinking your ego, feeding your ego. So my brothers and sisters, I'm saying this to you, because there is a there is a disease in our society today, where Aging Gracefully has become the biggest nemesis for most people age gracefully. When the body is changing, life is changing. Second part, celebrate what you have, and

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enjoy what you have, gracefully. What you have requires a different application of what you have now, you you can't keep yourself excited, sexually as you did when you were in your 20s as life who thought you could, it's impossible. You can't get yourself turned on as quickly as you did when you were in your 30s absolutely possible when you're in your 40s have had two three children is not possible humanly even if you take tablets. So forget those tablets, invest in yourself, and accept what you have and celebrate it. And thirdly, enjoy it. This new this bits and bobs that you're not familiar with on your body, or this doesn't look like this before it's changed, except this change

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that you have a learn to gain pleasure from it and tell your spouse the way you did it before. It doesn't work anymore. Because I'm older, can you do differently and slightly changed? Your spouse would love to go What a dirty woman or a man really? You should tell them because it's your body. Right. So, reconnecting, reconnecting in the changed phase, as you said Fatima requires recognition that you've changed, embracing of those change, celebration of those change and knowing how to use the changed you in a new way. sokola heron? Yes, absolutely. And I think also lowering our gazes. You know, I think, you know, one of the things that I think, you know, they say that young girls get

00:34:19--> 00:34:55

depressed, from being seeing all these images and you know, being on Instagram and stuff, I think that affects all of us as human beings, you know, and lowering the gaze is not just from the opposite sex, it can also be from anything alluring, or, you know, shiny in this world right from material, the materialism and the delusion of this world. So I think the less we kind of look at images of beauty, you know, and expose ourselves to them excessively. I think also, you know that that can probably help stop us comparing ourselves all the time.

00:34:57--> 00:34:58

I've got a question here.

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The questioner is asking, What if husband and wife are both on different pages when it comes to then? This is a common question actually, I've had in previous cohorts as well. And like, you know, once they have kids, that's when they realize, basically that, you know, they have different views on Islamic things. They have different aspirations for their children, maybe one parent is more religious than the other.

00:35:33--> 00:35:55

And one parent maybe doesn't even pray or something, you know, like, so. This also, I think, having children kind of suddenly brings this to the fore, for quite a few parents. How would you advise parents navigate that, you know, one parent wants a more Dean was has more Dini approach, the other is kind of

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not particularly religious, or

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I think it's a, it's a problem. It's a problem in the sense that we have romanticized what it means to have Deen in our life. We've given artificial

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veneration to

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a concept called Dean that we don't even understand ourselves. So what is Dean in the context of a relationship? At Dean? Well, muamalat, proselytizer lab said, Here, Dean, is the way I interact with my family and my friends, my social interaction, and more Armineh as the Arabic word is, it's all my dealings with you.

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If I am pious man, in quote, unquote, defined by the traditional way most people think, prays five times a day has a beard. I don't know. Where's that though? Says Bismillah, Alhamdulillah, Allahu Akbar and Subhan Allah and his tongue.

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You can hear Arabic, almost jumping out at every other words after English, you know, people have associated piety in my view, to no different to the fakery that we see in the world today. And this has to change. And same for the sisters or sisters in hijab or the sister is in niqab or this, the sister is saying, reading the Quran all the time, she's praying Subhan Allah, you know, these are, these are not measures of piety, my brothers and sisters, this is not

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to be clear, I think what the questioner is highlighting, I'm coming to it will come and things like you know, should they go to Muslim school are not coming to the end,

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I need to give the preamp if you don't understand what it really means. So these things, my prayers, my clothing, and my fasting Malika, these are commitment with Allah, I have made my commitment with Allah. And if I am weak on those, you are not going to be able to fix me. Because it's my own weaknesses I need to deal with. So they should not be the measure. And you should not be even trying to change your partner because you like that brother said, My wife doesn't make me have a budget. And the mom turned around and said, Your mother couldn't make you have a budget for 30 years, what do you think your wife is going to do? She failed doing it. And she's just been married you on the

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other day? So if we didn't raise your commitment with Allah, second thing is your character, your clock? This is what I'm more interested in? How am I with my wife? How am I with my husband? How am I with my children? How am I with my parents, my children, my family, etc. When you are bringing up children, what you want to focus on is how in which school which education would provide my children, the most wholesome personality and character for them to be successful in this world in the Hereafter? What will what will do that? So in our case, my my wife and I, we decided that we will not send our children to a school we will give them homeschooling from the day they're born

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until secondary age, because we felt that that was the formative time, the time of innocence. And if it's corrupted, later on, it's very difficult to repair. So we want to preserve their innocence and nurture it so that they can be ready for the real world. So we gave them what they what they needed. For those days. You need to decide what's possible for you, or you need to find a school that will be able to deliver that. You need to identify a school that will realize the best potential in your child, your dream may be to become a doctor, but that may not be the most suitable

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profession for your child. You need to identify what's best for them with the skill sets and the nurturing abilities that you have as parents so that you can bring it out from within them. That's the second thing. The third thing if you're on two different pages, in terms of your value system

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The overall value system morals and values, which for Muslims are defined by Islam, then you are in big trouble.

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Because even secular sciences have very categorically stated to people who come together based on their spiritual and moral values are more likely to last longer together than if they were to come together and superficial values. So when you meet somebody for marriage, the superficial discussions such as what's your favorite food? What's your favorite color? What's your favorite country? This is so superficial, so superficial, the discussion should be around your morals. What would you do if you were to be given a million pounds from somebody who just sold drugs and gave it to saying you can do what you like with it? That kind of moral question should be discussed when you're meeting

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your spouse. What would you say if you had a choice between a Hallam job and a hello job or no job? Oh, God, these are value questions. What do you think about my parents when we get married? Do you think they should go into a care home? Or should we look after them? That's a moral question. Value question. What do you think of abortion? What do you think of euthanasia? What do you think of war invasion? What do you think of lying, backbiting? slandering, gossiping, those are the types of questions people should be having. When they consider one another for marriage? Unfortunately, they don't because it's difficult. They rather ask what's your favorite color? What's your favorite

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color? What's your favorite film? Now? What are you getting from it? Nothing. My favorite color could change tomorrow. I can be colorblind thereafter. What if my taste buds dies in my foot of the food that I've been telling you is no longer relevant food for you? In fact, I did. I could you eat spicy food very well. Now I'm completely allergic to all spicy food. So unfortunately, I've changed. So value system if you are aligned to then you will, okay. If you are finding yourself constantly clashing with your spouse and values, then you need help. And I say this with greatest respect. How can we helped you both need to sit down and say, Okay, where is the reason why we are clashing?

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Isn't because my husband is a Salafi. And I'm a Sufi? Is it because my husband is an equality? And I'm a devotee.

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Is that theological? Sorry? Is it Madhavi or farecard? Difference? In other words, schools of different schools of thought or political difference? Or is it to do with the key differences? He follows Maliki ifollow Hanafi? Or is it more fundamental than that? And that is he saying, Actually, Quran in its entirety? I can't take? Or is she saying I can't take pseudoknot in its entirety? Where is the problem? The root of it? And if you can't solve it yourselves, seek people who know and talk to them. If after all of that, it is not working, then you need to you need to make a decision. Can I live with this person with such fundamental value and principle difference? Believe you meet

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everything else is reconcilable.

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Yeah, values and principles are very difficult to reconcile.

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And if you if you've got to the irreconcilable part in your relationship where it's not working, there is no reason why you should stay together. Under such circumstances, walking always beautifully. Though I don't recommend it. I asked you for counseling for all sorts, but it can be the case that he doesn't work anymore. So I've given a long winded answer, but I don't want to give you a short answer, because he's not sure. It's great. It's kind of comprehensive, because I can look around. Yeah, and I think you highlighted an important thing. But there's some things that we might be blowing out of proportion that are actually negotiable, you know, we could come to a win

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win. conclusion about with the right help, maybe with some mediation or something, right.

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Okay, I've had this question here that somebody sent in? What if I have a very short question? What if I have lost respect for my husband?

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How can I bring up a child

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and they don't really highlight why they've lost respect or anything like that. So it's hard to

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that's the problem. If I don't know why you've lost respect for your husband, okay. There are reasons why you can lose respect for your husband's from my experience, he has lied constantly. He never keeps his promise.

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He does not give you any respect whatsoever. He's unfair in the way he deals with you when there's a conflict. At home. He always cites his own family and is not objective about it. He does not give you food or clothes or doesn't meet your needs.

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He does things secretly that you discover that is against Islam. Many reasons why you could have lost respect, many reasons. Whatever the reasons are, unless you sit down and talk about it, there is

00:45:00--> 00:45:22

No way. Anybody can help you. You need to talk about need to be honest about I found on your phone, some dodgy pictures. Can you please explain this to me? Hard as it is, I've seen it, it's here. I've taken the screenshot. And I've kept them too so that we can discuss. I promise I'll delete them straight after, can you please tell me where they've where they've come from?

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Ah, I'm a gynecologist.

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These are images from my lab. Oh, sorry, I should not have never looked at it. I understand where they've come from. I will have asked you the question. You're a professional. This is your professional photograph, I get it. And it is true. As a gynecologist, his was these were his or hers. As an example, I'm giving you an example. Could be a bad example. But

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it's explained the way trust is restored. conversation is over. I saw a long chain of flirtatious messages on your phone. Can you please explain that? What? Whether you're a gynecologist or not gynecologist, there's not explained. I'm so sorry. It can't explain that. So trust could be lost, you need to discuss it. Why are you doing this? How long have you been doing it for? Who is with? Where is this going? How long has it been going? Where do you intend intended to go? Is better to identify it and say to him or her? That look? I really sorry, I'm really sorry, I can't live with this anymore. This is the red line you've crossed. And therefore I can't You can't restore it. Or

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evidence has been brought to me that you've had extramarital relationship with other people. I'm really sorry. It's line drawn. I'm going to leave. I'm going to file for a divorce. But I thought I'd let you know. So it depends on what level and what is the reason why you've lost respect. He has been lying. Okay, can we do anything about his lies? He has been gambling away some of the money that he has promised to give you? Can we do anything about his gambling addiction, maybe he's addicted, maybe he's got some issues that in his deal with.

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So you really have to be fair with your assessment of the reason why you've lost respect. Just an emotional reaction to it is not enough. Because ultimately, we are all answerable to Allah. And on the Day of Judgment, Allah would ask me, When you divorce your wife or your husband? Were you fair? Was it a fair reason why you left them? If the answer is yes, yeah, Allah. And I'm confident about that. Wonderful, go ahead. If the answer is no, it's not fair. I'm just doing it because I'm being selfish, then you will be stuck on the day of judgment to and you need to be very careful about that. A lot of people forget about the Day of Judgment when it comes to the self interest that they

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have.

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If you don't have that level of iman, believe in Allah and the concept of accountability in the Hereafter, nothing will be able to mediate your troubles on this earth.

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And that's why believers have a an amazing advantage. Allah has given them Allah has given them guidance, which are absolute. And he has said if you follow this, this together, you will be more successful. And so you return to the Quran and the Sunnah as your guide, even when you lose trust.

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Does that

00:48:15--> 00:48:59

I have a question here. What's the better balance with regards to the quality versus quantity of children? Some people say as practicing Muslims, you should have many children to increase the amount of the prophets Allah Allahu alayhi wa sallam. However, the more kids I have, the more I realize I'm struggling to give each one time to nurture and develop them, the more stressed I'm getting. So I'm not parenting optimally. How to think about this is a very important question. And I get that very often. Look, brothers and sisters, there is no hard and fast rule to how many children one should have and one shouldn't have. It's entirely your choice. Your choice in the sense that you

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need to know whether you have the capacity physically, mentally, and financially, to be able to cope with the children that you are having on this earth, you are responsible. And you will be asked on the Day of Judgment, if you have looked after. If you've provided for them, just delivering a baby, the baby is not going to grow by itself.

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So it's important to understand that it comes with responsibility. So in Islam, it's always quality rather than quantity. It's always quality. Even those who choose to have quantity, they will be accountable for the lack of quality if they have lacked in quality,

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on the day of judgment that their questions will be harder because they've got 10 children to account for your question probably will be easier to get three to account for. Don't forget if number of children you want, three, four, whatever, that's your choice. But under no circumstances should the quality should be compromised. And if you're seriously worried about the quality, please don't have any more than how many you can call the other side of it.

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Start today in the manicured wild of hours, all pre organized world of ours, or pre planned and programmed wild of hours that human beings are trying to intervene and organize. We are also falling foul of the Western notion of children. whole of Europe is on negative population growth. Yep, Japan is in regulation decline. population decline. Of course, the whole of China is in awful straight crisis at the moment. The only place on this earth where population growth is not an issue are the Muslim places Muslim countries Indonesia, Malaysia, Bangladesh, Pakistan, Turkey, Nigeria, these are not population decline crisis. But those are Wealth Management crisis, those people it's ironic

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Bangladesh has got 220 million people. It should be economically one of the richest people on the country on this on this earth, because it's got so many bodies that could come out there and make the country rich, but because of the mismanagement, and political corruption is not going anywhere. Our role as parents is not to fear, poverty and deprive ourselves of reasonable number of children a reasonable number, I'll leave that with you. You decide I can't give that to you. But don't fall foul off the the other extreme, I'm going to have one, maximum two, and then the more is going to be a problem.

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That's a problem, or I'm going to have as many as I possibly can but no care in the world as to how am I going to bring them up? That's also a problem.

00:51:34--> 00:51:36

Yeah, so the balanced approach

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is that my parents have a question here. My spouse and I have begun arguing a lot. Sometimes we don't even know what it was that we were arguing about.

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But now it started to happen in front of the children.

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It seems as though when we argue our arguments spiral out of control.

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Any advice regarding this? I can I can