Maintaining a Healthy Marriage

Bilal Dannoun

Channel: Bilal Dannoun

Topics: Marriage

Episode Notes

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© Transcript (Experimental)

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Hello, he was selling was in Vienna, Mohamed Juana and he he was happy he, he made

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his alchemilla, we'll head on to Marcus and email for giving us an opportunity to share some in very important insights about a very, very important topic tonight. My installment tonight in shallow to Allah is about maintaining a very healthy marriage.

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So kind of a lot when we look at the Muslim community,

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the biggest one of the biggest problems that we have with Misha face

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is that to do with the family unit to do with marriage, and those marital issues.

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I know in the in the Western world, they say that when you go from one stage of your relationship to the next you take on three rings. And the first thing they said is the engagement ring. And then they have the wedding ring. And then they said then comes the suffering. So maybe there's a lot of truth to that. But so Pamela, what's beautiful about Islam is that it's not really as shahabad men highlights it really is a comprehensive way of life. And if we follow the teachings of the Quran and the Sunnah, and inshallah to Allah, we should not

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go astray and find ourselves in dilemmas and the problems that we face that we face.

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20 minutes is not going to do any justice to to this topic, but inshallah Tada, I'm going to do my best to share with you the cream of the issues, or the cream, keys or tips to a very healthy marriage. Now, it is very, very important that you are in a very healthy marriage. If you're not in a healthy marriage, then you are most likely going it's going to have a ripple effect. It's going to impact you yourself, you're your own sanity, your health, it's going to impact your loved ones, it's going to impact your career, it's going to impact your financial situation, and, and the list goes on. So there is a ripple effect if you do not if you are not in a healthy marriage. Now when it

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comes to divorce. And the common question that I get is, what's the main reason for divorce? What's the major reason? or Why do people get divorced? And somehow, every time somebody asked me that question, I pause because you think that there's one major reason, but so parallel when I studied, and I looked at the reasons of divorce, in a recent statistic that studied divorce cases of Muslims around the globe, they came up with 15 reasons, 15 reasons why that a major reasons and so panela, the percentages were very, very similar. But number one, the number one reason for divorce is loss of trust and respect, loss of trust and respect, where there's no more trust in the issue in the

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marriage. Number two was abuse, physical abuse, and mental abuse. This is the second reason why couples are getting divorced. And then we have we move on to things like lack of commitment to the success of the marriage. So once, once the hunt is over, you found your other half, then there's no more commitment to that success of the marriage. No more making that serious effort that you did to try and get that person. So lack of commitment. Another one. Another reason, for example, is communication. Another reason is family interference, family is interfering with the marriage. Another reason is compatibility. Another reason is selfishness. You're not thinking about the other

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half, and the list goes on and on. And for each one of these points, we can probably have a lecture. So So pauwela, a healthy marriage, where does it begin? It actually begins before the marriage and healthy marriage begins before the marriage itself in the spouse selection process. And that's why the prophets that allow why they will send them has outlined to us the criteria when looking for a husband or looking for a wife. So for example, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said to hire Lino toffee comb, he said, choose choose for your seeds. In other words, choose a good parent. So one of the things that you need to be thinking about when you come to marry someone you're about

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to you going through the courting process is do I want my children

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To end up like that men don't want my children to end up like that woman. If the answer is no then why you proceeding because the children are most likely going to turn out like their parents. So this is a very important question the prophet SAW said For example, He said either Jana Mancha, Donna De La Hoya hola como fazer. We drew Atlanta

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out of a southern cafe that if a suitor comes to you, a potential husband comes to you and you are pleased with his Deen and with his athletic notice our promises sell and he said here, religion and a clap and manage for some would you give he give you a daughter give you a system in marriage to this man. And if you don't do so, there's going to be a great deal of corruption in this earth. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said

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that a woman is married for one of four reasons one of the four things for her family have for her wellfleet family have for her beauty for her lineage for her Dean. And then he summed it up and he said Furby that he said that he said, Go for the one with the religion and you will prosper. Now, so notice how you can marry for different reasons. But the process Selim said the best, the best thing to go for is the dean. But is that the only thing that you're going to go for? No, it's not. Because elsewhere, we have the highest of all sizes. And he says, Oh my god, dude, and we're known for in a mocha, mocha, he said marry the woman that has a loving nature that is able to build big children,

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for I will display the outnumbering of the other nations on the Day of Judgment. So it's not just about looking at the deen it's about compatibility? Are you compatible with this person? Or are you just trying because you're in a state of you know, you're getting older, you really want to get married. So very quickly. And this is the problem that we have, there needs to be compatibility, there are compatibility tests that you can do. There are personality tests, there's that personality clash with your personality, there's a lot of things and inshallah with the courses and that you'll hear about in the upcoming months, inshallah hota. These courses will highlight and help you with

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the spouse selection in sha Allah, Thailand. So it's very important to understand that you need to do your due diligence, what does that mean? It means you need to do your homework about that person. And if you do, do your homework about marriage, and what to expect in a marriage, you know, one of the reasons of divorce is failed expectations, where you enter a marriage, because you've got all of these expectations, or you've got a fixed template, or you've got this imagery, this blueprint of how you want the marriage to look like when in reality, that's not really that the person that you have married is or is not that person that you had in your mind. And so another question, another

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problem that we have is whereby the brother, for example, he wants to sister, he wants a sister who he she must have, she must have PJ, she must have been, she must have good body, she must have, he must have and she must have, and the brothers and the brother doesn't have

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much of the criteria that she is looking for. So the question to ask yourself in spell selection, if you're looking for an amazing, an amazing woman or an amazing men, the question is, do you fit the criteria that that type of person is looking for? That's a question that you need to ask yourself as well. So it is very, very important that you take your time. So Pamela, when we look at our community, when it comes to for example, when it comes to our careers, and many of you are professionals, academics, trades, people, who spent many months many years to become professionals, how much time how much money are you spending on investing on one of the most important parts of

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your life, because as I said earlier, it's going to come back, and it's going to have a ripple effect on everything that you are trying to build. I've seen people lose their sanity, I've seen people lose their wealth, at least I've seen people become depressed for so many years and become a non unproductive. That's what can happen. This is the reality. This is what's going to happen if you do not do your due diligence. And if you do not do your homework, so it's very, very important. You know, one of the once I was going doing a, I have a course which is a premarital course. And one of the brothers was sitting with me and he was doing the course at the end of the course. He said, you

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know, why should we really be doing this course when the Sahaba never did this course.

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When is the head like pre marriage, counseling or guidance? They just got married. I said to the world, we live in two different errands. We live in two different times and places because in their time, they never had those high expectations that it was for them. It was more about surviving.

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And just making ends meet and day to day and just moving on and with the job. But for us, we already live in affluent lives. And so we are going to naturally become very, very picky. And so this is why a course like this, in some parts of the world, like Malaysia, for example, Singapore, you're not allowed to get married, unless you've done some sort of training. Unless you've done some sort, of course, that will help you in the future and will lay those people who sat for that course. They find it very, very bit beneficial in in the years to come. So it's very important to be in a healthy marriage. Because when you're in a healthy marriage, guess what you're emotionally fit.

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You're emotionally fit because if your emotions are negative, think, think about it like this, if you have negative emotions, right? Are you going to be the output or the productivity is it going to be positive or negative most likely is going to be negative. So yes, here we are, you know, worried about our physiques and worried about our bodies, worried about our careers, but we forgotten that emotional fitness is very, very important in moving forward in our lives in sha Allah Medina. So it is important that you do yourself and your future self a favor with the spouse selection in sha Allah Tyler. So for monks, the things that you might want to consider is attraction is their

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attraction. I've met brothers, that married sisters out of good goodwill and good intentions, and the sisters got Dean. And then he calls me up. And he says to me, I'm not attracted to him.

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And so panela and then you can just imagine, you can just imagine the problems that will come after this.

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So that's, that's why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said to the one of the Sahaba, who was getting married to do Did you look into her. And he was talking about the women of the onside and how the men of the unsought they were known for their small eyes. And you know, generally speaking men like women with big eyes.

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So this is something, Danny, this is what the starting point is, is there an attraction, attraction

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and moving forward compatibility? So are you compatible with that person? And that's where there's compatibility that come into this? Can you satisfy their needs? They have different types of needs, physical needs, spiritual needs, emotional needs?

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These are questions that you need to answer you need to be talking and finding out what is the vision of this person moving forward in the relationship? What about living with the in laws? Do you know how many problems you can't have two Queens in one house? You can have two kings in one house? Do you know how many problems there are when it comes to living within those? And you also hear I'm talking about the woman or the wife living with her husband's parents, massive problems? Have you thought about that? Have you spoken about that? This is another issue that we come up with. So the Islamic position moving forward, is do your st. JOHN St. Solomon's consultation, ask about that

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person, do your due diligence, do your homework about marriage about that person moving forward? You're doing esta hora. So once you've ticked all the boxes, if you haven't ticked all the boxes, don't bother going to St hado. But once you've ticked all the boxes, you move on to St. Han. And once you stay home to look at other than the fact. And then the data is still hard to find the fortress of the Muslim of google it when you find that in an app, and that's where Allah subhanho wa Taala may show you signs, very clear signs that you should not be proceeding, the red flags go up.

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So it's the shadow istikhara. And then we have azim once you've done is to Shara and your istikhara and things are looking good. Don't hesitate, move forward, because now the shutdown is playing his role. doesn't want you to move forward. So you have this azeema and you move forward and then you have to work on Allah subhanho wa Taala

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you have to work on in Allah subhanahu wa Tada. And so with us now you've moved forward and you've gotten married. What is the success begin? The success begins with Tukwila. He has his own agenda. And this is the operative word tough one. Because when you go back to sort of the Pollak which means divorce, Allah azza wa jal in this very surah of Pollock, he mentioned stock law, according to my calculation, at least four times. For example, Allah subhanho wa Taala says, we'll make tequila

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tequila, Allah provides a way out a way out of difficulty while my year tequila,

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tequila, and he mentioned your child, a woman and you saw that whoever has tacos, I'm not gonna make things easy for him. Allah subhanaw taala says, and he mentioned again and again, this word

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taqwa. And if you want a good life, and you want a happy life elsewhere in the poor animals power dialysis man Amina Sani ham in Dhaka in

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Milan

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does good deeds male or female and they are believers, good deeds, beginning with your beginning with your obligations, male or female and they are believers having the correct copy that having the correct belief. Allah says we will grant them a good clean life. That's where the happiness is going to start in your marriage. Not that you start off on a 20 or 30 or $50,000 wedding that is built upon haraam. You need to start your marriage on a solid foundation, a solid foundation. Don't start anything on weak foundation. You can't build on weak Foundation, it's going to collapse. Don't do it don't compromise.

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And so this is really the starting point after the marriage beginning with Allah subhanho wa Taala and tequila then learn about your spouse's obligations. Yes, you as a husband, you are as a husband has had been instructed by Allah azza wa jal, Allah subhana wa tada says, Well, I should only build my roof and treat women with kindness and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam when he was in the mountain of alafair. And he was in front of over 120,000 people. He said it's also been sad Hira take good care of women and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, look

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at all of you as shepherds, all of you are responsible for your, for your, for your, for your flock, and so on and so forth. Find out what your duties are. And man up. You want to get married, married. With marriage, there comes accountability that comes responsibility. If you're not if you're not ready for marriage, then fast. That's what the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said Melissa de comida Vanessa was for inland de la he was so if you cannot afford and you know you're not going to give a woman her rights. Don't get married, you'll be you may be causing injustice and oppression. And so, when it comes to a woman, whether the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam

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saying, the prophet SAW Selim, he said

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that if a woman prays for five days, he prays and she fights for a month, the month of Ramadan maintains her chastity is a period to watch her husband, it will be said to her antigen as to whichever of the guests you wish to enter through. And one of those four things is to obey her husband's.

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Allah subhanho wa Taala has made the husband, the husband, as the caretaker, as the leader in the household. And so, also very important from the beginning of their marriage. Define your definition of love. What's your definition of love? How do you want to be loved? no guesswork, spell it out in no uncertain terms. Tell your spouse, these are my standards. This is the way I want to be loved, and loved your spouse, the way they loved that the way that they love to be loved. As long as it does not compromise the teachings of Allah xojo Allah azza wa jal says,

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he has put between the husband and wife love and mercy Love is a verb. for there to be love, there needs to be actions, but don't forget the Rama as well, that you have to have mercy because sometimes the lip, the the the love tank levels are low. And so this is where the tanking kicks in. And so yes, there needs to be inshallah butanna a definition of what your definition is of love. When you first get married, it's all about selection. When you first get married, you're looking for any things that you have in common right? After you get married, then there needs to be a lot of variety to take your marriage to the next level. Be you know, always you know how they might have,

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for example, a time of the year when you go away. Lots of communication with your spouse, quality time with your spouse, a gift is often the teachings of Islam. And so also long journeys panela

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when it comes to standards, a lot of the couples that are made, so for example,

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a sister comes to me, she says my husband, my husband, he's been doing he's been abusive towards me. He's been yelling at me, he's always swears at me. I said to him, How long has it been doing? She says he's been doing that for years.

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And then she's come at a point when she was once a divorce. She wants to honor and she wants out and that's it. She's not having anything out of it.

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And I said to her, I said, Did you act the way you're acting right now in front of me? And you taking massive action? Did you do that? 10 years ago?

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She didn't. So what did he do? So he continues to act that way because she hasn't reacted? So to my sister's, we say

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If you're in an abusive marriage, if you're in an unhappy marriage, take action, take massive action to get the desired result I wasn't going to continue to do because he's getting away with it, you allow him to get away with it.

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And so many case studies, but there's no time for that last point. inshallah Tada, don't allow your problems to reach boiling point. So what happens? The problems are building up. This is what we call the three R's. At the first level, there is the resistance. So there's a problem between a husband and wife. And one of the two is resisting to talk about the problem resisting to deal with the problem. Why are you not loving too much? I don't want to, I don't want the boat to rock I don't want to really, you know, make a big deal out of it. I don't want to look like you know, I'm the one that's creating a problem. So they resist to talk about what happens, that resistance bit builds up,

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what does it lead to? It leads to resentment, you start to resent your status. And that resentment builds up. And when you think that that's going to take you to rejection, which is the third, you reject that person, and you no longer want to be with that person. Whose fault is it? It's your fault. Why didn't you speak out? Yes, he's wrong. His actions are not justifiable, but you are equally wrong for being silent and for allowing him to treat you the way he's treating you, or the way he's treating you.

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So remember, these three hours don't allow your problems to reach boiling points before you want to do something about it. Because guess what, when it gets to boiling point, it's probably too late to do anything about it will level to either

Maintaining a Healthy Marriage
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