Channel: Edris Khamissa
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Salam Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh
Welcome to the SAM internationalised Thursday morning in our guest with us on our program this morning is the ever moving ever. Lady brother?
me How are you keeping?
Very busy, very, very busy but Alhamdulillah Allah is merciful, the opportunity every day of bringing good healing people bringing people together,
you find people the most emotional experiences.
We have an opportunity every day to grow,
to learn from your mistakes, and learn from people. That very important perspective and you have a public profile people that are very critical sometimes a few. May Allah bless and May Allah bless those who points us that it
sounds like you are on the move again in some way.
I just come from
a, I do work at the school.
Back in China this weekend speaking about families speaking about children, I was listening to another radio station on my way.
Them discussing about corporal punishment in different opinions that different people give the corporal punishment should remain where they should be removed. And this is in response probably to the to the article in the star of the Congress of South African students is urged the pupils and learners to heat
a wedding. And a very sorry state of affairs is a London live with a lot of blessing. I heard the interview,
a long delay to the very first interview and it was very insightful. People have this erroneous notion that if there is no proper punishment, we are not disciplinary measures as far from it. And what is critical is this in life, we have to teach kids our consequences to positive behavior and negative consequences to negative behavior. When good takes place, there must be some degree of reward must be applauded, they must be motivated, they must be recognized. And
token when the opposite is true. There has to be some kind of discipline, you
cannot do things with impunity. And so this is a reality. You know,
I think in our homes today, we either too harsh punishment, or we are overly indulgent.
The difficulty that we are facing, it is very when it comes to family problems when it comes to
that families face the dysfunction and what can we attribute it to what causes this sort of dysfunctionality?
You know, one of the things that people need to recognize,
dysfunctionality has different meanings for different people. My understanding is basically a family. Normally we look at the word family, you're the images, the connotations, that come to mind is one of understanding, one, not just triggering
this commonality of vision, the recognizing of the other, these nurturing these positive self esteem, these communication, communication, of your feelings, these empathetic understanding, you feel protected, you feel that
sanctuary. Now, on the other extreme, that you're living at a time that died, to anger, obsession, or whatever people carry baggage. With these augmentation with these individualism. There is no harmony between the married couple, and the children themselves. take on the role, responsibility. Everything is a fight in McGarity, these often alcoholic abuse these addictions. And more importantly, the home itself loses the connotation of warmth and caring. In fact, you'll feel that when you come home, you're coming to a place
of danger and you feel your own safety valve is to leave at home where you cannot even express or what you go through on a daily basis. And my own understanding is this because the home
As a local authority, you are giving each other effective antidotes where you empowering them, so that when they leave the home, they're able to tackle the challenges of the world
with confidence, and with a deep understanding that every time you have any challenge outside, you can come home and talk about the challenge. And the non members of the family or being critical of you in a negative stance will also help you and give you other weapons we are used the word advisedly, so that the way you deal with a challenge in a much more positive way, in a much more empowering way that you're able inshallah, to unleash your potential
needs to be that haven may people find that strength and energy that they can recharge, they can go back into the world, but unfortunately, they're not finding that in the home, they're not finding the piece that's in quality. And they're not finding the support that they want, or they be so much yearning for in the home. It is by obviously, this has to be some steps that a person can take in order to be able to, to build up a home like that, or does it just come with circumstances.
what you see so true, I mean, just to give you an example,
is the day the same some days in people's lives are more demanding for the mother was drawn primarily for the son who was extraordinary demand, he might have gone through some negative experience, or the father was life on that particular day when everything appeared to go wrong. And when he comes on, he might say, you know, I normally come today just want some peace and quiet today is such a terrible day, you know, in the end, for example, doesn't get the peace and quiet. In fact, he gets people at the critical. Er, you always want your peace and quiet. And what
kind of thing can really, really create an unnecessary situation with a man, for example, goes for easy despite, and comfort to other quarters. So what is important, and what you're saying is so true, it really is one of the most important things is that you need to understand, there must be a reciprocal understanding of each other, and what we do. And if, for example, I understand fully the kind of challenges my wife faces. So when I come home, instead of me being critical of her, and being harsh, I need to show our gratitude and thank the kids in St. Joseph, Missouri, my beloved Machu Shabaab Lena, in the fourth ever you do, I cannot thank you enough. You are my strength. And
therefore this is a very fundamental thing, which I want to share with the listeners that sometimes
will tell the husband Yeah, I'm not your maid, you know, I wash your clothes, it appeals to you. But that's not the point. You see, it's about us putting value on things. We put the example you see no, no, no, I'm not used made. When I cook for him. I'm helping him to do all the things that he does outside. I know stream. So I'm also contributing to fulfillment of the dream, suddenly, a cause that appears menial. And he reaches another level. And I must cite an example that I came across the other day, you know, we all tend to be trivialized things you do. There was a man who went past a construction site.
And he asked this particular person, you know, what are you doing?
Can't you see? I'm doing this for my paycheck. And the same construction site. He met someone else who was also you know, looking very negative, very upset.
And he said, Oh, are you Do you not have the eyes? Can you not see that? I'm falling in concrete, sickness, same construction site to another person smiling and whistling. And you're asking what are you
contributing to a dream. We are building a shelter for the homeless people. And you see in the corner there next to the dormitory is going to be you see in the corner. This is the kitchen is going to be each of them were doing the same thing. Each one of them had a different value to what they were doing. So it's very, very important, especially for mothers, sometimes that they diminish themselves. The undermine was the jewel that remember all the act of good deeds. The husband was
also given the blessing. There are very few men today who can say I cannot take my wife, my darling, my sister, probably not
For the support you give me
my bag, I'm not saying it's not my duty, but she does it in a particular fashion in a classy way, backing the CDs doing this doing that, like No, no. And all of those female oppressor reward is, no matter how much of gratitude, I can assure you, I think it's important for us to understand our respective roles, and to understand the ability in everything, the ability in the person to keep the house clean, the ability and the person that makes to us what you said, it's so true. It's about what steps need to be taken. inshallah, you talk about that. Now.
Obviously, a person who wants to have a success in his life and can make every person can make a change can make a difference in their own lives, just with the attitude that they wake up in the morning.
They go into the world with magic the world with like the person who looks at the building, and they have different ideas of what they are putting up. Similarly, every one of us we have our different objectives and our ideas of what life is.
When you wake up in the morning of his play, what what do you say to yourself to motivate yourself? What do you say to yourself?
That you wake up with a spontaneous step? And then the other more important question, is that, does this happen every single day? Or do you hear sometimes your off days, just feel a little bit low and down?
I get up every morning with enthusiasm. There are days when I feel mentally fatigued. It's just the nature of my work was I energized myself, because one of the things in life I have learned that you have one chance in your life, and the only thing we can control in our life is our attitude. This is the only thing you can control. And I remember once I mentioned this, I think when we are caught up and had a just few hours of sleep, and when I when I was setting myself up, I said to myself, you know, I'm tired. Then I said to myself, no, no, I'm not trying. I feel energized. And that attitude helped me to go through this whole day. I was humbled enough. And and one of the things that I want
to keep them Fitzrovia. One second was, can you tell me more?
So what happened was this, I got up with an energy just last week, and I'm vanilla. I was in Doha. And they be I had the good fortune last blessing to meet Michael Jackson's brother, who became a Muslim, Jermaine Jackson. And of course, the inimitable Mr. Khalid, you know,
you must go to his website, you know, invite into this country, tremendous energy and tourism, and under the law is the most influential Muslims in the arena in the Arabian world anyway, I think I left for the opportunity, because they energize me. And he said to me something,
Khalid said something and also demean Jackson, because they grew up in a home where they had
two rooms the size of a double garage, nine of them are staying together. And he spoke about the love the family, developing them. And he said to them, You know what people think that success is relative success when people come around you, and they see how great you are. He said, No, it is true success is your character. And when allies please review
these things with you. Now, we, certainly many of us, because of our egos, we want our names to be on the newspaper in the front page, you know what I'm saying to you. And then you find the people that are truly successful. Those will acknowledge the people around them that acknowledge the wife and acknowledge people around him, watching this DVD about this person was climbing the Mount Everest. And he said I was about to take the summit. But I said no, I should ask the person who did the shipper and the two people from the pivot, we'll take them up on the screen, I want you to go up first. Because you don't you could not get up there for success. It's about understanding people
around you. It's about people. doing the right things is about touching people's hearts. People remembering you for the right reasons, people making blood for you when you die. So it's about those things. They're not about first mystery, finding all the realms of being famous, but your fame in empires are really built in the hearts of people. And we need to understand that the person can achieve true success. And therefore, we need to redefine what is success and use such a way for people to understand that all of us are capable of food success, you know
Hmm, what what advice ever received a message from a listener
sort of articulating the the problems and difficulties that they're having their home. And it's a lady with says that she's been living in this functional environment for too long now in a marriage that's dysfunctional. She says, I see the effects of this dysfunctionality my kids have tried every way. I tried getting others to speak to my husband, I've spoken to him myself, I've given it so many years. But I cannot stay anymore. It's easier to be in avoid confrontation. But it is to my children's detriment. They are seeing a hypocrite, someone who preaches to the world, but neglects also and spends the entire night in watching movies. He says that yesterday, my son was playing a
game in lost, he started throwing things around and saw. This is the behavior he witnesses, and he's emulating the behavior. Now she says, I've made up my mind to leave, and nothing else is making my husband realize that he needs to change. So they have performed this desire, I've made my shirt out. And all of those things has taken.
So many steps, he says if
this problem is very complex, there's so many things to to explain. But my gut, my gut feeling is that my husband is in a depression, by some words of solace and advice for the sister who is in desperation,
you know, Mawlana
vows avoid getting on second, Tony mentioned, one thing damages.
My own advice is basically the following. The one is a general advice. And I'm saying this all our systems may ever be the issue in the marriage, never leave it until you reach a point of frustration, when you cannot handle any more of a desperation, then you want out. The critical thing is once you assert yourself at the very beginning of the marriage in the sense, because you have a severe brain trust problem, we need to sort this out. At that time, especially with the man is also finding his feet, he wouldn't respond accordingly. And
now you find that what the mother is saying now is not uncommon. In fact, I dealt with one case yesterday, the mother of a number of kids who said to me, I want out anyway, I said to them for a while, because the husband certainly is under stress. I said he needs to go for anger management, the whole range of things, right. So I say to her, unless they have tried every avenue there been for counseling, the two people from either side have done everything possible. And then you make a decision like this is another matter altogether. But what is important is significant is this, that, you know, the way in which a person behaves is a reflection of his upbringing, a reflection of his
attitude and his values. Now you find, and this is really for men. And for men, it is not so much what persona you have outside, which people feel when under the law, you're such a good name, you know, you give lectures, you do all of those things. For me, my acid test is going to be for me, that when I die, that my wife can see, Zakouma, forgive me such a wonderful husband, what they say about him outside is even true at home. His kindness is magnanimous he is nurturing is the response to sensitivity. So people must understand that. And what happens is also the other notion, as if I will not die tomorrow, in our country at any time is very important for us to make peace from a
place of tranquility and affection. So my own, you know, for her, I want you to understand that nothing happens except the role of Allah, that Allah is not displeased with her, that her reward ease with Allah. But I'm not suggesting that she remains in that role for the rest of her life. She needs to address it either going to olema greater people, and that needs to be confronted. And they must not be to expose him. No Far from it.
I want, I want to make you happy. He wants to be happy to get in this marriage, but I cannot do it on my own. And we have to work on it together. And if he says to her, to hell with you, I'm not interested, then she must do whatever she has to do.
Make it easy for the system for all on ladies in husbands also working through Absolutely, absolutely. Because that notion,
that notion that only the men are perpetrators of it is wrong. And what is important is this. But we need the critical thing also is that whoever is doing any harm
he has to respond, you know, properly and accordingly.
Point out to me is this, there's no such thing as I'm like this I cannot change.
Open the possibility for change. Everyone can change every country, you see, you cannot have a victim mentality. You cannot say, okay, because my father was like this, I'm like this because my mother No, no rescue psychologists except that we as Muslims, we reach an age of discretion, and we know what is right and what is wrong. And we are told about the dangers of anger, when you are angry, what you need to do, you're standing, you're sitting, you're sitting, you lay down,
everything is there, because in a moment of anger, you know, one of the ironies molana is the same people that are angry with a family.
They seem so calm, they are so calm and collected, the staff will see such a wonderful person understanding yet when he comes to me, he can do whatever he wants to do with impunity is unacceptable. The home, the home, our guests will be Who are we at home? What kind of individuals are we? What will our church say about us, you know, what I'm saying to you, and that is very, very critical. And we need to understand that, you know,
we need to take a short little break, and we'll be back just after that inshallah. So stay tuned, have a new Islam international view Islam.
Welcome back to real Islam International.
Thursday programs or guest live with us his brother Idris kabisa, is by continuing with our discussion of
having some sort of peace, solace and happiness in the family.
What are the steps
in making sure that the family life is happy? You know, we've we've discussed so many times, about changing attitudes, especially
small changes that the person needs to make.
It seems like it's either falling on deaf ears, or people are not finding the practicality.
Or one of the things that we need to learn is the fact that Allah is a provider, right? And I really believe fervently
if we focus on the family,
you'll find that even
easier, number one, secondly, what happens to us is, we often worry about things that are totally out of our control, totally out of our control, become very, very preoccupied right. Now you find it as simple. If you can do the simple steps to find peace of mind, you know, why should for example, the fact that you orient someone, someone needs some money? Yes, it is worrying that you, you want to pay it, but why should it be occupying your mind while you are paying your salary? Why should it be occupying your mind? She's supposed to be having some kind of discussion with your family, why should he be occupying your mind whilst you're driving, you know what I'm saying to you, he does our
realities, that is not going to help the situation. Now you should do whatever you can do the best you can do. And that's an important part of your life. We need to learn to focus. Now, those regards the family is very, very critical part of their family and an important part of their life. Focus on the theory of law. Tell them
tell them you know, I have the perfect model in terms of how we need to do different things with his family and society itself. So I'm for example, going home right now, and I have
to prepare a presentation in the UK and about for presentation this region.
burden of responsibility are not allowed to eat nor
occupy my time, but then he does not
In the expense of everything else, the days in which you are pressurized and the other, and the family needs to recognize it. So the practicals The first thing is number one.
And one, we need to understand that we need to firstly surrender ourselves completely to Allah.
very few of us, many people aspire towards doing that. And you ask those who give their life completely to Allah, they say the whole world opens to them, the whole world opens to Allah brings people to them. They don't have to run around looking for the rosy rosy comes to them so easily. So it's about surrendering yourself completely to Allah. The second step is we need to manage time effectively. Because after we're filled in the scheme of things, how much of my time you spent with my family? How much of
my work, how much of it?
How much of it,
and then you do a read prioritize your life and key, for example, whether the certain important point of making your passion for work, is it becoming an obsession, an obsession is at the expense of everything else. So there's differences is whether my passion is becoming an obsession. So that's a time management thing that is very, very critical is about prioritizing your life. In other words, doing First things first, looking at what is my priority, right? But it's really critical. First thing is this is asking people around you asking them, the feedback about you is going home, to your wife, my darling, this may come as a surprise. But I would like you to tell me what you think about
and be open about you might say, I don't think you spend enough time with us. You do not have enough things of things. And listen to that advice. Because what the things you want to alive is better than being said.
My father, never spend enough time with us. So I biopsies better than an autopsy. Right? The next point is as each one of us needs to develop trust and excellence in every aspect that we do.
yourself. Okay, what, which way can I improve as an individual, right? The other very important point is this, that they need to develop this whole ethic of showing up and consultation with their family, have a discussion with a family, it mustn't be a one sided thing, and listen to opinion.
For sure, the next point that was recognized is that you need to celebrate your family, make them an important part of your life, that you love them, hug them, embrace them every day of your life. And also create in your home, a sense of forgiveness. The other important thing that we need to understand what you spoke about the whole concept of time, you must regard every day as a bonus. And one of the things that I've been telling my father, you know, I just my father, Jaggi, you know, every time you and I need
to either mean one of two things, one, one less time, I'm gonna see you and it might be the last time I'm gonna see you do you know and if you are aware of that every day, then you will not take it for granted. you not take your family for granted. The other thing that we need to
you got to understand what is the motivating factor? Why am I getting angry? Why am I not able to manage my life? My life becomes too stressful. And my
my realizing, and my Do I Need help? Do I need my family around me? Right? And we can do this and the last most important point is embracing the eloquently grounded value but seldom and if you're full fully family publications.
Round up the program now.
Your final words of advice
is to people you know what? You know, I remember there was one motivational speaker. There are 1000s of people
that were there. He said to them, obviously something that is so obvious, and the one thing
he said you are alive you
alive. So when you are alive, you are alive with possibilities. It's about us understanding, we've got only one life, we need to take ownership, and we need to improve ourselves, we need to be with a family. And we, so my encouragement is to reconnect with your family, you know, and forgive and forgive each other. Because if a man is unhappy at home, then you can never be happy. No one else can make him happy. No one, you know, of course, if you aren't happy at home, you know, and unhappiness is seen by people. That what happened to you, you look a bit despondent. And if you're unhappy in the workplace, that's okay. You can manage it, long as you have a family that for
centuries have please, my brothers and my sisters, I beg you, happiness is self inflicted, created by others, you need to create your own happiness Allah is so most people and when you go through, you must be pleased to get some money. Please are like all times, right? This is the whole point. We only get pleased. When something goes our way. We do not realize the the the way our law works, and the things that you know, we are pining for.
People inocula inshallah, and we need to understand the nature of being that Allah will maybe heartbeat disease
and chemo life was the heartbeat and your life. You will notice here that there's no such thing as that. You must compare ourselves and people are lifted
materially but compare ourselves to those with more than us spiritually. That would be a good way inshallah to help each other.
By once again for joining us and we hope to speak to you next week.
me to send them this Thursday morning. I said mid Kumara amor de la he