Channel: Edris Khamissa
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It's just 10 minutes after 11am alikum warahmatu law hitter Allah wa barakato
Welcome to unreduced nam International. It's Thursday morning and my name is Janine said I'll be with you in German till 12 our program today inshallah we'll be joined by our guest. Whether Idris Cammisa and discussing social issues with his wife Shannon has easy base any questions that you'd like to ask anything that you'd like to bring up? You're most welcome to SMS 0731738461. Stay tuned well mashreq already slammed International. In keeping with its proud heritage of reliability and durability. Moodle now offers you the best of small baggies for that missing np 200. The np 200 has the longest low body in its class with a payload of a whopping 800 kgs over and above that it now
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quarter past 11 Welcome back to a mushrik on radio Islam international and very very warm welcome to our guest this morning who we've been missing over the past few weeks for me c'est la vie de camara de la walaikum salam wa rahmatullah wa barakato how are you my beloved mowlana how are you very well from the nationalities but how are you keeping? I'm very, very well allies, so merciful, we cannot thank Allah. And if only we take cognizance of the fact that we can walk unaided, we can talk, we can smile, we can perform good acts.
We can read our Salah. I mean, we can no complaints, liquid, absolutely no complaints, except that we must keep on improving ourselves become better people every day of our life inshallah insha. Allah Allah says, it is by you've been off for a few weeks, and I'm sure you've done lots of programs in terms of consultation during these weeks, perhaps you could just focus on some of the consultations that you've done. Yes. One of the things that, you know, recently, and I gave a talk based on this yesterday
that, you know, when parents themselves have doubts about the choice of the chair, in terms of the life partner, it's very, very important, you know, they are often right, they use things often correct. They need to assert themselves because I've come across many examples of parents who under duress, they said, Okay, fine, you can marry him or you could marry her. And they have done that, only to find that the period is longer than the marriage. And this is devastates everyone, you know, I dealt, I deal with many, many cases, the sadness, you know, in a home, it impacts on family and friends, a whole range of things, the mother cries, Father is very most to get grandparents, you
know, because each one of them the child is an innocent jewel, parents very important that when young people when they are contemplating marriage, if they got serious doubts, on a critical issue, it is natural. For most people, when they embark on to embark on the institution of marriage, they have some trepidations a degree of nervousness, that is understandable. But if that nervousness is based on concrete evidence about a person's personality, his character, or some habit of his, They mustn't think that because they feel this chemistry and that love that that particular habit would disappear or be dropped into insignificance. And a very important point, you know, I mean, I came
across I mean, for example, one father, who told me, you know, read the briefs, I told my daughter clearly that That boy is not for you, is not his, I don't like his habits. But she insisted, and he said, You know what, I spent so much money questions my daughter, do you want to deny that, and you won't believe it. He says, you know, from day one, there have been problems. In fact, when I met with this couple, but six months after they married, I said to them, if I met you before you're married, after I told you that two of yours did not marry each other. And that's a very important thing. And, and I would like parents to phone in, I would like young people are contemplating
marriage, and now to talk about this one issue, right. And the other issue to talk about is that we can talk about these two items for the rest of the day. Oh, any other topic? is the one thing you know, a lot of parents who tell me, you know, have a fair number tell me you know, what, what do I do? My daughter has left home. And she's, she has in she almost she stays in with someone else. And, you know,
and so on and so forth. What do I do? You know, and I, my recommendation to all parents is that while you despise what they do, you gotta stay in relationship with them, you got to make sure that you're got your heart is always open. Sometimes you could be the last straw for the child and if you just own them and ostracize them, because not so much because what they are doing is morally reprehensible or wrong, but purely because of your respect. You want respect for the family. And if you shut the door, and if inshallah we pray and the doors of penance are accepted, if during the time, they realize they made a huge mistake, it was an aberration they have turned to Allah they
remorseful, they may draw, but your door is closed shut, you know, and this can have a profound impact sometimes the art of circumstances now they cannot go to anyone, they will stay in that unhappy situation. And this is the point you know that we are living at a time. Sadly, where the image is everything we are mesmerized by colors. But the glitterati by palatial homes, by fancy buildings by fancy cars, you know, fancy colors, and a whole range of things that we are forgetting. What is far more important than the outward is rarely the inward is that that is substantial, the inward that is
caring, loving nurturing, where you have real character. So these two issues are very, very critical. I mean, when one mother for me the other day I said to her sister, if your daughter has put a court order, she don't want to see or, you know, you still maintain good ties, right? nothing you can do, she's an adult, now, there is nothing you can do, you can make dua for her, you let her know that your doors are open, right. And this is what is happening. And very, very sadly, the this is becoming the, although it isn't a micron minority. It's a growing minority. And, and so my encouragement to parents is very, what I want to tell them is that you've got to enjoy
Alhamdulillah, a very close relationship with your family, you need to connect with them, they need to feel your love, they need to also understand what are the boundaries, you got to make the home so compelling, that they don't have to leave the house every day for any kind of regulation, excitement, they get the excitement by interacting with you, you teach them how to deal with boredom, you you encourage them good habits. So monana these two things are very, very compelling things. inshallah, I would like the listeners to respond to that. And there was a time I remember that parents choose brides for their sons. Now they know more doing it. And in fact, what is worse,
I'm not saying is always correct. But what is worse, where the parents have no, say in the choice of the kid's life partner, they have absolutely no say you take it or leave it, you know, and they only get to know about it long after the kids have, you know, have integrated and emotionally got entangle, right. And the third thing if I could Milan, Alameda 30. Quickly, also, there are very disturbed, very, very disturbed to learn. And I want our parents not to have blind faith in the children, you got to love your kids. And I love children. I love young people. You know, they go through many, many challenges, the wall is so seductive, that boys are 12 and 13 have become
sexually active. And this is a worrying factor also.
So those are the three topics that it is by has highlighted. And if anyone anyone would like to give any input or I ask any questions, you're most welcome to do so the number that you can SMS your questions through to a 0731738461. And also call in and join in the discussion on 18541548 is where I have received an SMS. I'll read it out to you as I want. My 11 year old son is moody bossy with his brothers, his being rebellious, my husband disciplines him
saying that if you don't do it, I will smack you after much worse things get get sorted. But now, I senses we don't love him. And he feels like running away. I used to interfere between them. But now I stay out of it. Please advise on what should I do?
Yes, yes. to four factors. Yes. A one critical factor is, you know, when husbands, you know, there's a difference between discipline and when you punish your kids right. Now, when the both parents must be in agreement, how to bring up the child. You know, I get so angry. Sometimes parents will say no, the kid needs a hiding the kidneys ID. But that's not the way of nevison allow us to tell them a few important factors here. At the age of level, it's a very, very difficult age for children is a teenager now. where their friends are more critical, more important, they are part of the life part of the experiential world where the parents now seem to the influence really begins to diminish. So
instead of using punitive measures, and these as they always say psychologists say revealing is healing. You need to get to know your child, you should allow them to speak what's in their heart. And that's very, very critical because revealing is healing and once they begin to talk see it from their perspective. And Islam is by gradualism because when you punish a when you physically punish a kid, what you are really doing, you are suppressing the symptoms. You're not curing him, like when you got a splitting headache, right? You're You're suppressing the headache, you're not curing the headache, you need to find out what is it who is friends, and that's very, very important. The other
important dimension is this and psychologists said that 85% of the time, we are not complimentary with our kids, we are harsh with them. We negative towards them, because the names actually stupid you used to them fed up of you and so on and so forth.
We need to change it by being more positive. Because when kids do good, you need to applaud the good, we need to reward the good. And not only that, it is a kind of incentive, they know that the Father recognizes them for doing that. And then when kids do wrong, it could be for any number of reasons. Now, this young boy, you are really going to incubate the monster, he's going to despise his father, he's going to do things out of revenge, he's going to be very, very spiteful. And then what happens, you know, kids this day and age, you know, there are many people who are cynical and suspicious. They sit there and they say all kinds of things. 34% of teenagers this day and age,
either attempted suicide, or contemplate suicide, because they're going to a difficult path with a trying to find who they are. I'm not suggesting that you condone negative behavior. But if you do not applaud good behavior, that's the only time some kids get attention from negative behavior. So I would like them to bear this in mind. Okay, it's just seven. It is a coming back to the first issue that you that you highlighted, and perhaps just elaborate on it and welcome our listeners as well. To give me feedback when it is really Sharma. Yes, you see the first issue you must understand that marriage is a lifelong institution. It's a Sunnah. It's a sacred institution. When you when you
perform and Nika Allah watches over you, we know the benefits of marriage, the benefits of Annika, we all of us know that right? And it must not be taken lightly. If you chose the wrong career, you can make a detail you don't hurt people in the way you might lose out financially. But you make a wrong choice, a wrong choice, especially when you did not eat your salad to ask Allah for guidance you did not adequately find out about the other person. Or even worse, you have seen, for example, that this person has, for example, a is short tempered, is a kind of bullying. But you say no, here's what are the good qualities for the person bullying you. 14 to reduce significantly,
everything else. So what I suggested there what I say very, very strongly, that if young people are listening in that they must take the doors of the parents, and they must not make the parents agree on the choice under duress. So under coercion, it's very important for them to understand, you know, the wisdom of their parents the to understand their eschewed, they understand life, they understand the dynamics of life. The other thing that is also critical is that, you know, he said that he has failed, you're not spending enough time Firstly, promoting the institution of marriage by our own conduct with our bubbliness our spouses, neither we talk about the inner some of the opportunities
and challenges marriages do offer, neither do we share with them. The real beauty of marriage, you know, when you marry someone who is like minded, who understands you, and they truly understand what is dominant and to each other. It's a beautiful feeling. Nothing is as beautiful, as in your net, happy home. Nothing is so beautiful, that when you come to your home, you know, you're going to have a huge bubbly, nice smiling and celibate, baby, I miss you. And you tell it the same. It's such a beautiful thing. And very, it's like a century and people must understand that, that you know, a person that may have the physicality of beauty as defined by the West. You know, while you know,
people look at her and admire beauty, but the real beauty is who you are. It's your character. And we need to understand that because when you marrying someone, you're not marrying someone for public consumption of public, public accreditation you manager because of who you are, about your own value, the choice that you make. And most importantly, you'll marry someone who understands you, understands your attitude, embraces your values, and someone that can connect with you, and someone that will help you to attain Jana, this, these are fundamental things. So parents, you know, don't be shy to say no to your children. Don't be shy. Naturally, we do not want our kids to take drastic
steps like eloping and all of those things. So it's so important that we have conversations with our family on a daily basis in which we have an opportunity of listening to them, listening to what they've got to say, because we must not necessarily impose our choices on them, when they themselves sometimes can make some excellent choices.
it is but it's just one half past 11 we need to take a short break. Hold that thought inshallah we'll come back just after that have received an SMS and we'll discuss it after the break inshallah Stay tuned to upgrade Islam International.
Did you know The loss of Allahu Allahu wa sallam said fulfill the trust of one who has entrusted you and do not be treacherous to one who deceives you
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Welcome back to America Andre Islam international is just gone 26 minutes before 12 Welcome back to our guests, Idris camisa is continuing with the discussion in preparation for marriage and getting into a marriage.
All of this definitely requires parents assistance if required spirit's guidance, and it requires parents to take a lot of responsibility as well. Absolutely. That is very important. Because you see, we cannot be remote control parents, you know, and our parents not to misunderstand me, you know, I'm not denying that the challenge is for the modern day parents are unbelievable. Because we are a normal part of an extended family part of a nuclear family. Sometimes we as fathers are not assertive enough, not necessary. I'm not saying about being aggressive. Parents will not be the best role models for our children. But often, you know, it is uncle who can compensate for the damage or
absence or the grandfather. And you find that, you know, it's a very sad indictment on the community that there are so many the divorce rate in South Africa amongst the Muslims is so rampant. It's unbelievable. I mean, every second person that I know, even amongst my friends who tell me you know, this is what happened as well. Can you speak to me say this, we did not know this happened. Right? And, you know, so these are, they have to get actively involved. And it's precisely because as I said, a big missing dimension in our homes, is that every kid seems to his mind is decolonize This seems to be the most detachment from the parents. There isn't much discussion
Debt traders themselves Today, many of them, sadly, did not inspire the children, they lack that insight into the dynamics of marriage. And that is a very, very sad, they did not understand Nabi sallallahu, wasallam his marriages, how we dealt with conflict, what was the attitude at home? What are some of the physical qualities we need to possess, I mean, if you notice that your son gets upset, you know, very, very quickly, the flip of the hat, I think then is important that you, you, you try to guide him or perhaps he goes for anger management, a whole range of things. And so these are important because such an attitude would really impact on his marriage and can be a disaster.
So, I think it's important that we need to understand about children, all of a sudden may be different. And it's important that we identify the strengths, and also recognize some of the challenges and guide them along to talk about it. And I'm very lucky, you know, they are also number of Bombay See that? We I see, the home is indeed a sanctuary, it's a happy place is a place I'm not saying you know, many people think that they hear me speak that means I'm saying spoil yourself kids be overly indulgent. I'm not saying that at all, what I'm doing, or what I'm saying that the prophetic model is a very, very instructive one, that many lessons for us, that is how we deal with
our children, you know, and they are certain things you know, as well as and reminded us, after the age of seven is a type of instruction, discipline, learning, how been calculated the right kind of attributes, right kind of attitudes, and how we introduce our children to online delivery, social analysis.
Okay, so that's, that's the first issue that you had brought up a received a few SMS and questions. Let's go through the first one system.
Engineer, as mentioned, this is a Cisco call in center two point collaborating for five years, nine, whenever the topic topic for them to get married comes up, the boy's mother gets angry and says they must state and get to know each other first. When we tell her the Islamic way, she says we are old fashioned these advice. You know, this is the whole point. Right? The whole point is this, that, you know, if this is they say an apple doesn't fall far from the tree, right? You know, I mean, the the thing is, you know, you cannot modernize Islam, but you can Islam is modernity, the relevance of Islam will be right, until we die and beyond. And people need to do that right. Now. You know, I
mean, you what you are really doing is you enjoying that which is good for business, which is wrong. You think the inversion is a very, very opposite now and who has reminded us that there's come a time, when people will enjoin that which is bad and forbids you from being what is right now, your mother or father, you know, is such a poor model. You know, I'm not saying that I'm a paragon of virtue or mangy like, you know, none of us are right. But I think especially regarding that, then what you're going to do is this, and you're going to promote a promiscuous life, a permissive life. And then what will happen is that, that is sadly, the same doctor or son of yours, we learn much
later, there are four ways and in the process, she probably would have lost this chastity, and all of that noble things that she needs to keep for a marriage. And that is unacceptable. So I think you know, it is one of the parent is doing that the other parent needs to assert himself. How can you allow that to happen? Forget about what society is saying. We need to only understand what's expected of us from Allah was expelled from our Nabi sallallahu, wasallam. Anyway, and what we need to do is right, in fact, you don't have to be God fearing even atheists, seeing people who understand why humanistic who understand values will tell you that this behavior has never worked.
As no work even gay to know the partner. And this is how many people marry in the West. And they have the highest rate of divorces, you know, sadly, when people get to know the fact that they do get married, marriage comes as the anti climax, you know, and in fact, it should be the other way about, where you have a smattering of knowledge that is critical in your choice. But you grow into love and affection, get to know the other person and help each other grow.
says, I received another message it is by Sara Monica, my son is 16 years old grade 12. We discuss anything we discuss anything is mostly with me the most these days, he now gets bored when we go shopping, or go out together. But when you ask what they want to do, they don't really have anything active to do. Please advise. If I think it's a very important thing you see, one of the things that I often say and I'm vanilla last Friday.
I did a program for Islamic helpline and Allah bless all those young people who came with the mothers especially, I pray that the love your show for each other you connect, the critical thing is a mother needs to understand financiers diligence to understand the parents. Now, as parents, you are the immediate Amida of the house is very important for us to develop a family routine, and you cannot suffocate our children,
that you can be friendly towards them and you cannot leave their friends
they need to have their own friends and, and they need to choose friends or noble character who are like the extension of the home friends that will join the teachers goodness forbid that which is wrong. So we cannot take them everywhere we go also, you know, we like to, you know, they need the space also. But as long as you have really empowered them with the right kind of attitudes and values, because when you die, they're going to be on their own. And it's important that they do not only do good, but they love the good that they do. That thing is very important and also wants to develop a routine at home, then there is no boredom. And remember, this is nothing wrong with being
bored sometimes. So it's important that we encourage the habit of reading during exercise, a whole range of things, you know, you will not be bought, a Muslim should not be bought the oma needs you we are here to serve the oma, I will not be allowed
to be part of this Islamic consciousness we need to do that. Our kids like to be titillated by by sports and video games, all of those things. And sadly, they have difficulty in inter inter relating or interpersonal relationships. So I think it's important for parents to develop a family routine from Monday to Sunday. And that would include me time, our time, family time, it would include things I read the Quran reading the, the the the son of the beast allowed us from reading books of fiction, visiting the sick and needy doing good things together, taking walks together, exercising together, and we need to remake it very, very comprehensive we do that the family does not only
become biologically connected, connected by faith and most importantly, they connect they become a much more functional family.
Okay, it is my another question that comes up or somebody comes up nazira for the wonderful program I taught is 12 when she does not finish a project on time, and they reprimand her for it. She gets very upset. She makes excuse, excuses and says I don't understand she did have time on hand but wasted doing things she likes to do. Accidentally for example, I'm saying that you should have an idea about the kids homework diary, right? Do you help kids one of the important things you can teach your children is how to manage time and also to pray for Barca in your time. And once you have a family routine, it's important that a particular time is dedicated to homework where parents
Connect is facilitate the support them guide them and not doing the homework but guiding them and you'll find that in terms of procrastination, you know there are many kids especially guilty of that, you know, they will want to do the homework last minute to put pressure and the work is done slip shot, did not do it at the best of their ability did not pursue excellence. And we also need to understand that perhaps the child has a negative attitude towards schoolwork, how you need to promote that you can promote it by giving them self belief by promoting the culture of reading. You know the two things that are critical. If a child has a passion for sports or whatever you you, you
you you're encouraged to play with them. And when it comes to other things that require more rigorous study, you need to encourage them
when it's just gone now, just about quarter to 12 listening to our master course at Sam international My name is Juanita soft my guest this morning Idris camisa we discussing a number of issues relating to marriage, parenting etc. He must welcome to SMS 0731738461 if there's anything that you'd like to ask Idris or you can call in and join the conversation on 18541548 we're going to take a short break now and we'll come back with this discussion just after that stay tuned
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it is by the continuing with our program this morning I've received another SMS and Milena z my message this is with regards to the young boy who was getting bored and doesn't have much to do. My son goes out with his friends and he's very sporty we go play tennis, soccer, cricket, it's just sometimes
I think he gets bored. Okay, you see, maybe you see, maybe he gets
a kick from playing sports and whatnot, he also needs to have some sedentary habits, he needs to be neat, etc. You need to inculcate the habit of reading when kids, you know because reading the benefits that accrue from reading to name a numerous dimension, it inculcates self discipline, it, you know, promotes the idea of it promotes maturity gives you linguistic competence in such a portable universe. And it makes you understand different cultures understand yourself. And most importantly, also it enough statistically to have them improve in the schoolwork. And it's very developed in them sitting power. And that's very, very important. Because the thing about no kids
must lead an exciting life, there's such a thing, you got to send them sit down and do the grind. Sometimes they will sit down and persevere and do your homework and all of those things. And it's very important they do that, you know.
back to the topics that you highlighted in the starting perhaps just running through them very briefly, because you've got just a little while left your remaining two topics. Yes. The other topic that we spoke about is that when your children do wrong, and many of them are doing wrong, you know, you know, and it's there. It's becoming very, very challenging for young people, especially now, when sin is accessible 24 hours a day, it's on the face, it's in the shopping malls. It's on the phones is everywhere you go. It's in the media, and you find that, you know, when they make those mistakes in life,
you know, it's one thing to disarm them. But you should not do that. You should always have your heart open, and try to identify why they did what they did. Because the issue of define some kids today is becoming a recurring nightmare. And I think they need to understand that. And often when kids do these things, it's very glib or easy to blame each other and often it impacts on the marriage. When the father blamed the mother, he said, Yeah, I see you gave the child freedom and so on and so forth. So I think it's very important that parents be united is the the time to blame this.
not appropriate, but it's important to learn from your mistakes. Because one of the things that do happen often is one of the kids makes that drastic decision. It also impacts on the other kids, I mean, you you you find that sometimes positively and negatively. Sometimes the siblings themselves just own the child. And she's you know, and Allah knows whether the same child would die with the man Allah knows that we cannot determine that way at least you know, the connectivity to the family is important. It is sometimes a
As a reminder to the child in terms of
faith, a reminder about the nobility of the faith and most importantly, about the, in terms of the family bond that goes to the trees important, very, very critical that we understand that, you know, moment of anger is not a good thing to make a decision. The other issue is this, this is a really, really frightening, it's shocking is two things. One is the sexual precociousness of children, that boys have 12 and 13, sexually active, and many of them are involved with cyber sex. They live in a cyber bubble. So parents themselves, you know, should be very circumspect. And they give toys, which is what kind of toys giving them, you know, I give them toys, iPads, and what not cell phones at
attending age where that is a positive invention the same time. It's a very dark world, it's a world that you can get addicted to, through pornography, and so on and so forth. So I think it's important to get to know your children get to know who their friends are. And therefore you find many kids who are addicted to this technology, have no friends, it doesn't matter to them. You know, there was a time when, when a father did not allow his son to go out out of the home. The son You know, was very upset to the kids to be self sufficient for the playing with those toys that are so compelling, it absorbs them. It also sadly erodes their morality.
received another SMS here it is very Slavonic. We encourage kids to do homework and projects by becoming involved in the work assisting women emphasizing on how much I myself learn because of their work. I think them profusely for the opportunity to learn we all discuss books that we are currently reading, I find this very effective, non will Allah bless you, Allah bless you, right? That is so important, because you know what, there is no end to learning, no entry learning, I mean, and I'm not saying it out of immodesty just to authenticate it, you know, I am so glad that, you know, my teachers that taught me like to smell kathrada My friends, maybe Dougie and other people at
university or my flatmates. They, you know, they always encouraged me to read it today, I got over 3000 books, and I continued to read, because there's so much of information so much to learn, you know, so much to learn about life about yourself and about what you do up. And that's important, right. And I think once you do that decrease, or mohabbat, you see the critical thing that we have to be the role models for our children, we need to be inspiration, more than any other time in the lives of our generation of people, whatever kids do not get the information, they need to be inspired to move from the mediocre positions to very high positions in news taking impact on
themselves. And lots of people around them. They are not yet to be blind followers. But we as Muslims, supposed to be leaders, we're supposed to be also allowed to sell them, and mercy on mankind. So those families they spend time together, having discussions is really intellectually stimulating. You know, there are some families and hamdulillah they have such a passion for reading. They are leaders in the community. And they speak they speak with authority and wisdom. You ask them about the situation in Syria, because clear views about it. Some kids don't even know what is happening in Syria and Palestine, in Sudan, Kashmir, in Bangladesh or Burma, we have no idea because
for them, you know, their little world is like the whole cosmology. Nothing is important for our children, to move away from themselves to understand that they are here, and they got to leave the world a better place. And empires are built in the hearts of people.
It is set up for the same perhaps we can just sum up to this program. In the last few minutes in Shama. Yes, I think the first thing is this, I think parents need to assert themselves. The kids make choices in the marriage. It's very, very important that you engage them long before they're chosen a partner. So when they make a choice, it is a choice. That is done for sure. And if you know the choice is wrong choice, you need to speak to no hikma and if you can, inshallah, through encouragement to cajole re and to discussion, you know, dissuade them from marriage to that person, you know, lambda de la. The second thing is this, our kids will make mistake, they continue to make
mistakes. Some of them make some very drastic mistakes, but I think you've got to stay in relationship with them, connect with them, leave your doors open and make dua for them. The third aspect is I think we got to be very, very guarded. Not to have blind
Faith in Our children because I'm coming across more and more young boys and girls that are very sexually active. The other important issue is very, very important that we need to understand that the media was this very very It has many positive things, said the these the negative things, the nefarious things is punish evil things that are really seducing the hearts and minds of our children. So May Allah make it easy for you, my beloved parents, my beloved mothers, sisters, brothers, Allah make it easy for you. Life is a challenge. Elijah full Rahim. You speak to Allah and Allah will always always be there for you at Santa Monica
Lake wa salam Rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh Chicken Zeeland to Idris camisa for his input this morning and chickens Zealand to you for your questions in SMS, SMS, and Shannon Zilla divine shower studio operator who ran the program this morning in shallow houses. I will be back with you on Saturday morning on marriages on the air with one another such as the one shot in LA looking forward to being with you then from Tunisia. satis Lama aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.