Tap into your potential – 03.10.2013

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Edris Khamissa

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Seven minutes after 11 assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. Allen was Ellen Omar haben Welcome to Al mashreq on radio Islam international and you must be hearing an extra spring in my voice. Well, that's because our very esteemed and honored guest who joins us on a Thursday morning usually from around different parts of the world, I wouldn't say just on the telephone, but on the telephone from different parts of the world. Rather, Idris camisa is sitting in our lenasia Studios this morning, sir hamdulillah. It's an honor to have it this way in our linear studios. Unfortunately, I am not there with him. But we at least have him stationed on the ground with us

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this morning. It is via salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato while they come

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to light Barakatuh You know what? We spoke about esteemed guests are looking around me you know, I found no one else today maybe somebody's talking about me.

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See, if I if I just spoke to my engineer brother's yard so he says it's it's so nice to have at least by rains today it's much better than having you

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know, molana I hope you don't feel a sense of rejection and all that. I love you too much. Right? And in the lobby, we really appreciate your inputs and Alhamdulillah and I cannot thank Allah enough that you and I engage in this conversation inshallah.

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inshallah, inshallah. We will look today at a little bit of the cases that you've been dealing with over the past few weeks that we haven't been speaking also. And then inshallah look at our discussion for today as well inshallah. So it's all going to be coming up on our program this morning. First up, we'll have to take a break for our first round of edits and then we can go on to our main discussion, inshallah has his assignments after 11 you're listening to American ladies time international My name is Juanita said my guest this morning by the grace commissars, sitting with us in our linear studios. Stay tuned to baby slam international

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11 Welcome back to Islam International. And welcome back to Idris camisa Idris. why

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you've been away all over the world. I think you've you've traveled to Canada, we've heard about your trip while you were there as well. And we after we read quite a bit of a report back and then we've been destined for a few weeks. And by you may have had many, many different issues that you have dealt with in the last few weeks. Perhaps just enlighten us on those few issues and what lessons can we draw from them? Yeah, Alhamdulillah you know, molana I look at this for five. There are many more, but it's true. I think in each of the challenges that families face, you'll find that there are solutions to this problem. But as my in my preamble, what I would like to say is this.

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This is my humble advice

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to couples. I know often males listening to the program. They feel I have a biasness towards the sisters but what I need to say that

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not suggesting that our sisters are angelic, they do not make mistakes. But often we find that the kind of support that is needed in healing isn't support from our male counterparts. And what is important is this that in marriage, and I'll share the few principles first, before I look at specific examples, in marriage, you must understand that if there is an issue,

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it may not appear to you to be an issue. But for your partner, it is an issue, do not ignore it, do not ignore it, you will ignore it at your own peril. And sometimes we think that we have such a stranglehold over our spouses, they have no place to go. So we can do whatever we want, whenever we want. And we do not give them dignity. And suddenly, it happens. One day, you find the vices I had enough, I cannot take it anymore, then what you find that the things have changed, suddenly, the man shows the most, he shows compunction. And he's very, very upset. And he wants a resolution and he wants his wife to come back. Now. Now now. And the critical aspect is this, that on the level of the

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wife, what emotions has she's gone through now, she has come to a point of no return. She's got contempt. She's got this day. She's stonewalling. And she's full of criticism. In fact, when she sees a partner, she looks at him not with love and affection. But with this day with this. She despises him. And she would say, I have no love for him. And at this stage, you find the man is the muscle is emotional, and he's crying. And so when I speak to them, because I'm dealing with one example, at the moment, when I speak to them, the woman does not believe that the husband was married for however long we change. So now, it's a very difficult situation. On the one hand, I

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really believe in our capacity to change in, I really believe that we can do things differently. So my whole whole point in life is this that do not ignore any situation at all, no matter how trivial you may perceive it, if it is impacting on the marriage, a deal with it. And moreso when you are wanting to reconcile, you got to have a say, when they are radical problems, there has to be radical solutions. Right? So that's one principle This is based on one particular scenario that I'm dealing with.

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Yes.

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When we speak about these problems, they will be between husband and wife and especially when it is long term problems that things have been going on for long. It is why what what perplexes me what makes me a bit confused in regards to these problems is that why do people allow it to carry on for so long? Why do they allow you to develop in and brew for so long before they actually seek advice and seek help?

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You know, for me, it

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seems that if a person is having a problem, they should deal with it immediately. If they unable to deal with it themselves immediately, then they should be quick to get a solution and get a problem, get some help, instead of allowing it to prove for so long. And then there's so many issues, that it up

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jimana it's a very critical point that you're making. There are many reasons for that. The one is that, you know, often the man has a condescending attitude. He believes that his wife is so dependent on him materially, and that you take each other for granted. And there are other factors that contribute to his attitude, perhaps is living a life of stress. And he has his own kind of challenges. And therefore when it comes to the home you find the home supposed to be a bastion is supposed to be a sanctuary. And instead of him creating joy, laughter and harmony at home, you find that he gives when free screenings the people suffer most are the people that he's supposed to love.

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And you find also on the part of the sisters is this that, you know, on the one hand, if they are subjected to a situation at the beginning of the marriage, where the man is more inclined and malleable

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to change, they need to raise the issue. And it's important and if they ignore the issue, it will build up a lot of frustration.

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And also molana I think we as human beings, and we are not saying that we are Angel, a core, we are perfect people, we have really taken the institution of marriage for granted. We do not realize the importance of the institution, how noble it is, how enabling it is, and how it's supposed to really, you know, increase your Eman And then your real tests, it would be how you deal with your partner. And I think this is a fundamental and I'll just give you one another example. molana that brought so much appears to me, you know, it's a pity I mean, my phone is a bit louder, read the text from the sister. She's supposed to follow me up the other day, and she apologized profusely. She said,

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Brother Avery's, please forgive me for not phoning you. I'm now sitting in hospital. Because this morning, my husband assaulted me. He broke my leg, and my poor child is also injured. Now I cried me, How can any person worth his salt? Any brother, any human being, you can be even an atheist? How can you lay your hand on your wife? How could you ever ever ever do that? And really it you know, I tried to give us some words of assurance. But what could I do? How much more could I do? You know, as you said, I'm very, very sorry, again, hospital. Now this is it. Now, you find there are two levels and one level is sometimes these indifference but the other time when such men such cowards,

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I call them would raise their hands on the spouses, and the spouses will stay away from the eye of the community, when they do go out and make excuses for all kinds of behavior, because many of them evade the situation with, you know, a lot of patience, you know, and I don't think it is very, very fair, because manana that painful reality is this. And I say it all the time, is, it is not so much how you perform in the public arena. In the end, it is about what your wife would say about you when you die. It's about your children who know you what's in all know you, and I will not be sad, allow you a solemn, there was no disparity between his relationship outside the image people had of him,

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and that in which was confirmed by all the spouses and vice all by his children, about his mobility of character, his kindness, his magnanimity, his compassion, his philanthropy, and all of those things. So this is a fundamental. So this is the second case scenario. You know, and I'm so glad you asked me that question.

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Real Estate story coming out from day three is way that a person could have such violent tendencies that he would raise the hands and one smack or two snacks, not that it's understandable, but to go to the 16th, of putting your wife into hospital, through your violence and through your aggression. a loved one was done Allah, Allah help us and Allah subhanaw taala protect all women and children from this type of abuse, no type of abuse at all, is acceptable, and is understandable, it is beyond me, that a person could raise their hands, to abuse the wife or to hurt the wife in any way. Gee Mallanna, you know, and that is so true. And I wanted to share with you a third scenario, each of

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them is based on the cases I am attending to presently. And I make dua that Allah puts it in their heart, to show the most to seek forgiveness, I pray that even the person who is a victim is receptive to this the most receptive to this forgiveness. The third case scenario I want to paint is this about, you know, a budget about actually, you know, many people

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having difficulty in trying to eke out in existence, financially, they are huge, huge challenges, you find that, you know, and many of us sadly, live beyond our means. We, we exhaust our credit cards, and a whole range of things. And, you know, I've dealt with a case where, you know, a man was really, really agitated, in fact, he was so so afraid of his wife, and he was giving her a fair, you know, allowance, you know, I think the allowance was about 60,000 events a month, and it included her looking after the home and so on and so forth. And, but she was comparing her living standards with the living standards.

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appears and everyone else, and you are saying, you know, I'm trying my very, very best. And in fact, I am very, very scared of my wife. And so that is another issue. The other issue is that,

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as husband and wife, we need to have reciprocal understanding, the man ought to understand the challenges the wife faces every day. And you need to support her in whatever you do, and however you do it. Similarly, the men mustn't believe that because I give the material things I shelter my wife and a whole range of things that, you know, I can do whatever I want. So I think it's important for for people to talk about, say, this is my budget, this is our budget, this is what we like to save. This is what what are your needs and take it from there. I'm not suggesting that you deny your wife, some of the luxury items. I'm not suggesting that at all. But I think when the man is pressured, and

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then he gets into bankruptcy, he gets into all kinds of jeans, hoping to get a quick buck here and there. I think that is also problematic. And I think men themselves must also be the armies of the house, and learn to say no, you know, to say, listen, we cannot afford this holiday, you got to go for a local holiday. Me, and this is what I can afford. And do it that way. You know, and we are not here to impress people really, because one of the settings that is happening in the community is that people are not living for themselves. They concern about the image the concern about how others look at them. And Islam, it's about not so much how others look at you, in one sense is about how

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Allah looks at you. And I think it's about living with humility, living within a particular budget, where you owe nobody anything that when you die, inshallah you are debt free. And that is also critical.

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That is the important part that when we we need to realize that we are not going to be living forever. And what we have mentioned now that when we die, we are ready to face our loss of handle data, we are not going to be living forever. And we have baggage of hurting people and harming people and causing difficulties to people who have baggage of debt and financial burdens that we living as a responsibility of our ears. And then we have other baggage as well. So we don't we don't want to leave this world in that way that we still have to remain answerable. whatever we have done in this world shouldn't be a cause for difficulties and problems for us in the US euro inshallah and

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molana, we I don't want to sound like a prophet of doom. Now, these are some of the cases a few more, but let me talk about some of the positive cases that I'm you know, I think Allah, I cannot take a lie enough for when the wife had given up on the husband, she won't have nothing to do with them. And now they're happily married is back in the sharing intimacy with his wife, and he's so happy. And this is another example of, of a person who's got a few kids came to me and he said, it is why, you know, I got issues in my marriage. And so I, I met with him and he and he was also in a sense, intimidated by his wife, and, and his wife had given up and, and she wasn't prepared to see a

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counselor. So I said to him, You know what, let me spend time with you know, I spoke to him, I shared, you know, I had some idea from his wife about the negativity. And I met him two or three times, I don't always have the, the opportunity to meet people more than once. And then I shared with him my observations, and he's write down notes, any effected lot of changes in his life, you know, in terms of his temperament in terms of his attitude, in terms of, for example, giving his wife an allowance and all of those things. And then I never, I went overseas, so I never heard from him. So I decided to phone him up, you know, because I suppose to have a session with him and his

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wife. And that was going to be a very critical session in terms of whether she's going to go ahead with the marriage or they're going to separate, you know, and I don't like to witness any kind of separation. So I phoned him up, I optimize overseas trip. And I was so happy. He said he breezed by my wife and I are so happy we are together. And he said I took your advice. I effected those changes, and he was so happy. And here is another example where the woman initially gave up hope, but the main to engage himself to his wife change radically. And I'm not suggesting that only men should do that. I'm not suggesting that our sisters do not need to also do that. So that was the

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that was a very, very humbling very, very powerful

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Give an experience right number in law. You know, the last blessing that all these cases when people, you know people ask the question it is, what is your success rate and it's difficult to quantify. And, you know, I like to believe it's for 90% they're about, but the critical thing is, is that when people are open to criticism, if they are open to change, they are prepared to take responsibility for who they are. They're prepared to confront at their own demons and their own shortcomings and they're prepared to do it makes a big difference because mana you know, that no two marriages are the same. No and the needs it marriage may be different. Sometimes your wife may feel

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insecure, she require more nurturing more information, more love, and so on and so forth more communication, and and everyone is different. So it's about you, knowing your partner, knowing yourself is critical to discover yourself. And that way it makes a huge difference. Mm.

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28 minutes after 11 you're listening to allometric on radio Islam International. My guest this morning brother Idris camisa. We are discussing marriage and the different issues that it raised by has been dealing with I've spoken about abuse we spoken about the husband not fulfilling his responsibilities in duties and we've spoken about marital discord as well. Any SMS any questions that you would like to pose to Brother Idris we sitting at the table here in our linear studios, he must be welcome to SMS 0731738461 we can call 11854

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sorry, a 541548. And you can place your calling each other as he is we will speak to you live on the inshallah it is a it's 29 minutes after 11 you have to take a short break now and we will be back just after that. To the listeners Stay tuned to all my stuff Aveda Islam international

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Need Minister 12 Welcome back to all my secondary Islam international and very warm welcome back to our guest for the Idris who is sitting at the table in our

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nasia Studios, this is by speaking about marriage. And it seems like we only seem doom and gloom, how widespread is the issues concerning marriage and how common these issues when you are getting so many calls each day, and many of the alumni and social workers are getting that many calls, how widespread is the problem? Maulana It is very, very widespread. In fact, I would say that we have a crisis, we have a real crisis, and you find that every second home and I would say that it is 70% of our homes have some issues in different levels, I based marital discord, it could be regarding the children, or some despicable habits that people have, that, you know, Allah has guided us, you know,

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we none of us is perfect, and to give us strength and, you know, we need to bring back to our lives, Allah and His beloved a soul sallallahu wasallam. So it is very, very widespread. I mean, if I were to talk to 100 people in an audience 100 married people, I can safely assume that 70% of them have some issues, some issues, some issues in different degrees, so it's very widespread.

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You may have received an SMS and perhaps you could just take that now directly for a wonderful program, marriage is truly something wonderful that needs to be worked on invested every day. Problem is many spouses take each other for granted. And these days, there is very little room for compromise and understanding between spouses. May Allah subhanaw taala help us?

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Yes, Madonna That is so true. And this is a point you see, the point is, that is like this, you know, we

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you know, let us say you're staying opposite the ocean, right? Opposite the river, wherever you are staying. And initially, you sit at the veranda and enjoy that beautiful landscape in front of you.

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But over a period of time you take it for granted. In fact, you don't even go outside anymore, right? You take it for granted. And others who visit you would say my gosh, you have such a magical view, you could alas create creation is so magical. And this is a point I think sometimes is the initial excitement in the marriage today is this anticipation of joy. And then you find slowly a period of time, the dignity stripped out of the marriage. And you find these now, normal parting words but harshness, you find these impatience and you these bullying going on, there is no recognition and appreciation for any kind of effort, there is no more the compliments that are paid

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the normal idea of praise and, and thanking each other every day, every day, thanking each other every day for who they are the sacrifice the making, and nothing can be more uplifting than when your spouse or Thank you, you know, for the things that you do. And you find that many of us sadly, only appreciate this after we lose our spouse. And it really you know, for me, I really believe that if you look up your marriage, and if you treat your spouse, with kindness and compassion,

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I have no doubt in my mind, that that will increase your Baraka and Allah will make it easy for you. And that is important that sometimes we get so obsessed with finding or earning a living, that we become such an integral and obsessive part of our life. That babies come home we like boarders at home is come to sleep, eat and you and use the facilities and go back every day, day in and day out. So you gotta stop and ask yourself, at what expense at what expense and becoming a wealthy person, but I'm not enriching my own life and the lives of my family. I'm a total stranger for them. And I'm like a bank like an ATM. You know, they can withdraw money whenever they want. But there is no

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emotional connection, I think because it's a question of priorities, and we should make family life the single most important priority in our life. When I say family life, I'm not saying at the expense of spirituality. I'm not saying the expense of your relationship with a line of course, your relationship with Allah would determine how you treat your family this is you know, it is an integral and inextricable part of your life you know.

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Okay.

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If you like coming to this

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discussion on on marital Discord. And, you know, particularly the second case that you mentioned, you are dealing with the issue of abuse.

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We have many times spoken about abuse has spoken about emotional abuse, psychological abuse, physical abuse, spoke about the harms of abuse.

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You have been dealing with these cases for many, many years. And what are the some of the long term effects of abuse? You know, after many, many years, what happens after that? Does that do the husbands actually form to be realized, in their old age that I'm not doing the right thing that I'm supposed to be treating this human being differently? What does it just continue and carry on? You see, it all depends, you see anything in life, if you're not prepared to acknowledge who you are, if you're not prepared to realize that these are your shortcomings, then you're not going to look for advice. But one of the things that worries me these almost like a schizophrenic personality that at

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home, you find that the abuse takes place, but yet this person has a different public persona. And over a period of time, it becomes you become a creature of habit, because you're taking your

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your family for granted this fear, you do not mind that because you've got space, but the impact it has on your wife and your kids, that's really something that is very, very pernicious is very, very harmful. For example, it can affect your wife's personality forever. It can erode the self esteem, it can create insecurity. If she can become a nervous wreck, you find that psychologically, she lives in fear all the time. And you find that it impacts on communication, and it impacts on the marriage. And you find that she suffers silently, she cuts herself socially from all events. And you find this he goes on and on and on and on. And you find that you really become a monster in the end.

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I mean, there are some things Yes, in life that are out of your control. And you need to seek help. And sometimes it might require some medication. Sometimes it's about you reassessing your attitude. Sometimes it could be, as we always say that you're a product of your own environment. Maybe this was the pattern of behavior of your father, for example, there are some schools, in many parts of the world, you find that the, especially the little boys that come to school and have in the foundation phase, did not respect female teachers. And they began to wonder why. And after some analysis, some study some reflection, they realize, wow, you know, that these kids come from a home

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where the father is the abuser. And the little boy thinks this is how the world is all about that, you know, you can talk to the woman anyhow, they are not worthy of any dignity, they can be demeaned, they can be insulted. And this is like all about these no respect for the female. And this is the pattern. So when you talk about let's look at each of the abuse, you look at psychological abuse, and that's something destroys the mind. It destroys the attitude, it destroys everything she feels about herself, as she looks at the world with a different lenses. Gs is a change in experience. When it comes to physical abuse, you know, you're scarring her both physically and

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emotionally. You are rarely, you know, again, teaching her you are, you know, impairing her beauty and all those physical aspect, right? So I think it's multifactorial, and you and I know as our Navy SEAL allowed, Islam reminded us far worse to break the Kaaba is too big the heart of a believer and your wife is part of the Illuminati of Nabi sallallahu, wasallam. At the same time, I need to get sit back and reflect on something else, that sometimes when men are also subjected to the abuse, I find many men a great number others are the many men who are really intimidated by the y's, who are even afraid of the wives, and sometimes some woman punish their husbands physically, and they have

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to get the children to support them in this. And I've dealt with that case, also, you know, with a man is in fear when he becomes a nervous wreck. So any kind of abuse on either side, I mean, to insult someone, or to make an innuendo or to undermine academia in public. I mean, the worst thing ever, is to insult your spouse in a public arena. I mean, what why you mean? Hey, what message Are you giving?

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Is it is it your your trip currently to lenasia is it to for a particular program? Are you there on a visit now?

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barilla I came in here on

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Monday morning, at a few couples wanted to see me. So I met with them, then I just it was been very, very full. And then I spent some time with also, you know, one and Robert, we do some sessions together. And then I, we are forming a public speaking Academy. And we just come now from a meeting with Marla Sabine from Zachary APA. And I said to him that, you know, we are prepared to offer this cause free of charge for all the find all the students, they're teaching them the art of public speaking, and to share with them is going to be a week, cause two hours every day with examples, and so on and so forth. And I met with molana this morning, and then I'm meeting with others that were

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forming this organization, and to develop this and really, I think it's important, especially in whether you are going to speak in public or not, it's an art that we need to learn. For example, you know, how to kill the fear of public speaking? How do you introduce yourself? How do you connect with the audience? What kind of topics you should speak about, and at what level so that public speaking is one particular arena. And then, you know, I also came here, inshallah, the idea meeting, it's a personal my business thing now, with lendman, I've done a program for new Shifa Hospital. And under the law, with Allah's blessing, it was successful. So let me want to also engage me to do this

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in other hospitals at that meeting, and after this extra day,

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I'm bringing today's another family agreed to see and that family may make dua for them, they have the wife and the kids are so afraid of the, of the husband, and that so they come to meet with them. And then we do have another meeting then I also had a meeting with Alhamdulillah with the African Muslim agency, and they wanted me to develop a cin modules on leadership, which am Brizzy advanced has been very, very busy. Alhamdulillah and, you know, it's very fulfilling. And you know, I couldn't have organized the Soviets only for Allah's blessing. Everything you know, has been wonderful and

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and the last blessing ambit some of my friends, you know, Feroz allergy is most of my Patel mom would have been made, we all had lunch together. So it's social and also for my Rosie Alhamdulillah. And so it's grating and hungry electrical energy, through this whole position, you will Mashallah you've managed to fit us in Israel and visit our, our station, nano molana for me, this really, you know, my participating I'm not talking about, you know, me, per se, I I find it very, very enriching. And I am also beholden or emboldened rather, by the fact that you know, when people you meet some people and they say to you, you know, we listen to you and one resonates and it made a

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difference to our lives because we are not here to demean or denigrate anyone and we want people listening to us not to give up hope in Allah not to give up hope in the partner or in the children not to give up hope they must stay in relationship and you know, and make sure that throughout the cheat each other with dignity so Alhamdulillah you know, I cannot and I'm sure you too molana cannot think ally enough that we have this golden opportunity of using the medium of this radio station to get into the homes and the hearts of people and you find that you know, and in many parts of the world, they listen to radio Islam And may Allah bless you know everyone involved with the station

00:38:59--> 00:39:38

inshallah. I mean, I mean, I mean, we we have to take a short break again and when we come back we will conclude our program inshallah, to the listeners you listening to a missionary scam International. Stay tuned, we'll be back just after the break. It's that time of the year again, when we prepare to celebrate the blessed day of eatel adhaar. This auspicious occasion marks the end of the Hajj pilgrims are cleaned from all sin. There is also a time when we gather as a family to witness the ritual slaughter in the name of our Creator. Islamic Relief will be performing Qurbani in South Africa Malawi and Zimbabwe for detailed list of countries anchored by the prices go oh 800

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00:41:47--> 00:42:31

welcome back to amateur radio Islam international 11 minutes before 12 my guest this morning by the Idris camisa who's with us in the studio this morning it is by welcome back just the last few words of advice that we can share with our listeners. While you are here at the studios in lenasia extra Baraka extra Nur inshallah, and last few words to make their to make their marriages happy, make the managers successful, something that would encourage them to really work on their marriages so that they don't give up. You know, manana. It's such a powerful thing you're asking me right? For me is this, I think whether we like it or not, you know, we are mortal human beings. And you can happen

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any time. I often ask people write down, what are your regrets? What do you think would be your regrets? Right, you're down and they write it down? I say to them now, if you think these are going to be your regrets, aren't you a fool not to do something about it? And especially your relationships? And the question is, you would ask yourself, how would I like my wife or husband to remember me? If people ask my wife or my husband, for example? Tell me about him or her? What would you like them to say? What do you like to hear? And it's important that we be that models, because it is so critical. Your agenda primarily is dependent on your relationships at home, of course, you

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could fulfill your salein all of those things, but if your home is unhappy with you, if your children despise you, if they regard you as a person not worthy of emulation, if your wife or husband having a have an acrimonious relationship with you, so then you find that you No No So will it be with Allah says important that you matter who you are outside? No matter how loving you are, you be that person at home, and you can do it there is no such thing as I cannot it's not me. It's not my point is my personality is like this. Don't find excuses my brothers, do not find any excuses. Do something now. Be the change agents. Be loving. Give your sushi bouboulina I heard and

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tell her darling I love you Please forgive me, my bed bear. Please forgive me, my dog. do those things create a atmosphere of love because if today companies are found that when couples are happy I found them they can unleash the full potential in the workplace. So that's my advice. Look at yourself, confront yourself, know who you are, and make sure you do things differently.

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It is very

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real and for your time we thank you very very much. And it's been a pleasure having you live in the studios with us not just on the telephone from different parts of the world. It's been different it's been special and inshallah Razzies. We hope to speak to you again next week and shall we shall Allah bless you Maulana you look up yourself and keep up the sterling work right. Milena, I mean, Islam, Polycom, Polycom, Mr. Rahmatullahi. Oh,

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barakato that was Idris camisa. speaking to us live from the lens studios this morning. She couldn't just enough to my studio operator brother's yard, and I'm sure he's smiling just by meeting et CIE. I'm envious like, I can meet this myself. But inshallah we will be speaking again from myself on this Thursday morning. salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.