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Dynamics of Marriage – Episode 2

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Edris Khamissa

Channel: Edris Khamissa

Series:

Episode Notes

  • Adjustment
  • Shura and Communications
  • The Power of 2
  • Dealing with In-Laws
  • The Role of Grandparents

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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The topic three adjustment in a relationship. You and your spouse certainly deserve to be happy and successful. You have the power to change you both deserve to be loved. No one can diminish either one of you, you both can make decisions, and you both should be affirmed. Now both husband and wife, I want you to say the following off to me, I deserve to be happy, I have the power to change myself. I can forgive and understand others and their motives. I can make my own choices and decisions. I am free to choose and to give priority to my beliefs. I can choose happiness whenever I wish, no matter what my circumstances, I am flexible and open to change. I act with confidence. Having a general

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plan and accept that plans are open to alteration, it is enough to have done my very best I deserve to be loved. Idris our next segment is on adjustment in the relationship. Now what's adjustment got to do with this whole topic of relationships and marriage. It has everything to do with it because marital life is a life that no newlyweds have been exposed to. It's a life that makes tremendous demands on each of the spouses. And what happens that is my own experience that if you look at marital life, the people that make the most adjustment are our beloved sisters. And that adjustment is often painful and silent, often because of modesty because sometimes low self esteem did not

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share the concerns with their husbands, especially in the first three years of marital life in which one makes a great deal of adjustment. I recall in one of my workshops where we had a number of couples, I asked them to hold each other's hands. And I said to them, I want the wife to speak first and the husband must not interrupt, she must share with the husband all the adjustment she has made in a married life, you will not believe it. The experience was cathartic. I found many of them crying. And their husbands were surprised that their spouses, someone with whom they share the intimacy, someone with whom they're supposed to know. And unbeknown to them, the wife suffered

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silently. Therefore, it is important that we need to recognize the adjustment supposed to be on both sides, and that we need to help each other to ensure the adjustment is smooth. And the critical part of adjustment is simply this shamima husband and wives, there could be neighbors, they exposed to different kinds of attitudes at home, different kinds of sleeping habits, different kinds of social interaction, different kinds of dress, the whole culture could be different. Now suddenly you have come out of that culture, that environment. Now you're sharing another environment with another person. So this can often either be a situation that can create conflict, if it is not managed

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effectively. One of the major contributory factors to divorce is the inability of the spouses to adjust to marriage. To what extent is the statement true? It is very true. The word adjustment means realigning. It means rethinking, it means about renegotiating because your relationship with your wife is a primary relationship. You have to renegotiate your relationship with your family and friends. Although your family and friends are important, they normal part of the primary relationship, in a sense, your friends, perhaps now become tertiary in that way. So this kind of adjustment because now you have huge responsibilities, tremendous responsibilities that can be all

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consuming and requires the time and the energy. Yes, sometimes we need a kind of transition. And we're not saying to sever ties with people and inshallah we'll talk about especially our relationship with our own mothers. This is such a critical aspect the love for mothers is different from the love that we have for our spouses. So adjustment is an integral part of marriage, there are many people will tell you well, I'm married for 15 years, my husband has made no adjustment whatsoever, and that is painful. It is frightening. Now, you can only make an adjustment if you are psychologically prepared for that reality. If there's been conversation in your home and discussion

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about what it takes to make a home to be happy. What does it take? What do you need to do differently? For example, a father might tell his son or my son you cannot behave like this when you're married, because that can cause a problem. Now suddenly, you find the last straw is perhaps the towel on the bathroom floor and then you find Oh the reaction of the woman but that is symptomatic of other problems. Therefore we

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As parents, we as educators need to ensure that in our school curriculum, having workshops a marriage should be an integral part of that curriculum, because it will help young people to understand who they are, and their sense of responsibility. And many fathers and mothers, sadly, through lack of understanding indifference, they've not had those kinds of conversations, to help their children to understand what they're getting themselves into. adjustments in the whole need to be made in the following areas, dress, clothing, sleeping habits, the daily routine spirituality, eating habits, and social activities. Now, I want you to just take perhaps one of them to discuss

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because the first one I can think of immediately after the marriage is the new home that you're going to be living in, we're gonna send me my I want to ask you this question. What adjustment did you have to make? What were some of the challenges that you found? The first thing I can think of is that separation from my parents, I remember actually getting sick after I got married, because I suddenly realized that they're not there anymore. And I have to be this adult, I have to grow up. And it suddenly hits you this reality that the stranger that I'm now living with is my life partner. And I think it's a cathartic feeling. Because you now have to question yourself on what is the way

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forward? What am I going to do about it? Am I going to cry to go to my mom's house? Or am I going to discuss it with my spouse as we talk about the communication, and what I found was that the communication was so important, I'm feeling sad, because I'm suddenly without my parents, I'm living in this new home. And really speaking, when you get married, you suddenly living with the stranger whom you have to discover. Therefore, I mean, I'm glad you mentioning this. Therefore, sometimes, many parents create a wall of fantasy, where, for example, this is for the boys and the girls, our daughters, and our sons, many of them are not exposed to household chores, the domestic reality, and

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what happens, then suddenly, they're in a home and when they go to do these things, where the man has to also help with household chores, he may not have done it when he was staying with his mom and dad. And that creates also a huge problem where the wife is now almost like a slave with a man is like a king, king, man, I'm the king, you serve me. The reason we are focusing on adjustment is because if couples not know how to deal with each other, in this very critical period, a period that will determine the happiness or the stability of the marriage, or it will determine really the pain, the eternal pain, argue one simple example, a person a might be married to someone who has not been

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exposed to humanity at large, socially incompetent, in a sense, doesn't have the skills, while you are the more gregarious person interact in the community, you have a public profile, and you grew up in a home where you had visitors every day. And for you, you cannot imagine life without people of visitors. On the other hand, if you grew up in a home, where there are not many people, if your family, for example, did not interact with the neighbors, and if you on the other extreme, not even go for wedding functions, you will feel socially inadequate. Now, can you imagine this young girl who is anticipating joy and a life of bed of roses, if you will, is in this home? And every day

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there are people coming in and out in and out? And then the man will begin to wonder but my gosh, why is my wife not interacting? Why is she not friendly? Why is she getting uptight? So this is important, the period in which the men in this instance need what we call perspective transformation, he needs to see it through the eyeballs of his wife and help her through this period, which is a very painful period because what she's exposed to is something she has never, ever been exposed to before. And the final thought on this matter that requires far more discussion is no more the I it's now the V is no more about my life, it's about our life is no more about my

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hobbies, my friends, and so on and so forth. It now means our hobbies, our friends, our life together.

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Becoming a couple is one of the most complex and difficult transitions of the family. The honeymoon period is now over what comes next. Now the couple they have to renegotiate a great many personal issues which were previously defined for them for themselves or defined by their parents, for example, when to eat, when to sleep, how to celebrate holidays, so on and so forth. The time of honeymoon we find that couples come back smiling, they excited but life is not all about honeymoon you require more than love to sustain a relationship. For example, in the first three years of

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Marriage there are some general patterns of adjustment gender may be. But some couples there may be specific differences for the first six months of marriage, which is rarely considered by many people. A honeymoon phase is rarely characterized by few serious problems. But there is a general sense of satisfaction at about six to 12 months optimism really what happens to it, suddenly it fades into realism because now suddenly we're the spouse is more confident there's a difference of opinion. And then suddenly, the issues of financial obligations come about. And then there are bad habits, perhaps you suddenly senior partner, or there is a kind of boredom that sets in now from

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about 12 to 36 months of marriage, they may be a short period of disillusionment where now your so called knight in shining armor seems to have lost his shine, or your maiden fair has been less than fair. For example, there are challenges for time or money, childbearing even sexual adjustment. Now it requires new coping strategies. And then men with children coming up. This could also further make adjustment little more difficult. But during 18 to 36 months, really, semi mother couples begin to sort of get accustomed to live together, and couples who cannot accept or even improve the quality of life together tend to break up. But those couples remain committed to building a strong

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marriage begin to develop what I call a realistic view of what it is to be successful. Now the point that I made early on about those couples that break up this point is that marriage didn't break up, they need to have the resolve and understand this is a period of adjustment where we can help and nudge each other. So certainly strong marriages are the result of efforts by both spouses to try and make this marriage work. In a study where information was gathered from spouses who had been married for at least 45 years revealed six keys to the very successful long term marriages and I want to quickly read them to you consider your mate as your best friend, like your mate as a person. See

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your marriage as a long term commitment. See marriage as a sacred institution, agree on goals, and most importantly, and so simple love together frequently. Now, relationships that survive and continue to deepen are generally happy, always adjusting, and always under construction. I like that word under construction neighbors, I'm sure there's some strategies to help those of us to improve the harmony in the home improve harmony in the relationship, what strategies can you give us for building a strong marriage? inshallah, I think the bottom line is there must be a commitment, because once these commitment, this commitment really brings vitality to the marriage relationship.

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And for example, if either of the spouses entertains the idea of escaping the marriage through divorce, then the marriage is already in jeopardy. And commitment really provides a kind of foundation. And it is through this commitment where the couples together can work through obstacles and the many challenges they would be confronted with. The other important aspect is trust. And trust is so critical to undergird any marital relationship and prove a trust. It must include also mutual respect, when couples show disrespect to each other both in private and in public in that marriage is very fragile. And it requires a renewed commitment, a renewed trust to ensure that the

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marriage is transformed from a fragile one to one that is stable. The other aspect that is become a recurring theme. And I'm so glad shamima you make reference to this is communication. Now, communication is so critical in all levels. Because once you communicate, your spouse will know exactly what you feel, will understand your values and your attitudes. Because when a person speaks when he does speak from his heart or she speaks from a heart, it is a window to the soul and the issue of conflict. I know in some homes, they have few conflicts, but they do have conflicts but yet he does not impact negatively on the marriage, but the real test is how they manage those conflicts

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in the end is not about I want your loss because every conflict must end off with such discussion in the end that both people are winners. If one is a winner, then that marriage also would suffer. And you know we are told as Muslims that you must seek knowledge from the cradle to the grave we must also develop tremendous skills in terms of communication, self understanding, even decision making, which is so critical. I remember someone define adulthood as decision making and the ability to

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manage conflict, the ability to see another perspective. And what it really tells you that we cannot remain static, we need to grow, we need to do self study, we need to always go towards excellence. Caring is one thing, for example, now, when you tell your spouse that you love her, that implies that you are caring for his or her needs. And remember, responding to your own needs is just as important as responding to the needs of your spouse. The other important issue is affection. Once you begin to demonstrate the affection for your spouse, demonstrating it, showing it both in private and in public, of course, we need to curb our accesses in public. But naturally, it is so important

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to do that, because it is inspiring, it is reassuring, it is affirming, it is acknowledging the other aspect is expectations. Often, many people have a jaundiced or a purely romantic view about life. In the movies, you find the man sees her, they fall in love, they get married, there is no problem of parking, they get up excited every morning, they see each other flowers being, you know, exchange and goes on. And on that way. I'm not suggesting that we should not introduce aspects of it in our marriage. But one has to be very realistic and have certain realistic expectations in terms of what life is all about is when people have the wrong expectations. And when they are unrealistic,

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then you'll find many of them get very, very frustrated is well, I married him, this is what I thought my life is going to be all about. Here is an example often of a person with low self esteem, who believes her happiness is dependent largely on what a husband does or does not do. The last point in this regard is a question of priority. We need very importantly, to make marriage our priority. It is one of the most critical relationships, we need to put time, we need to put effort and the whole idea of willing to work together and to say, you know what, let us spend time and one of my recurring themes is to celebrate our relationships with members of our family, and especially

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our spouse, and we do it and if you can take out a critical part of our time and see my darling, this is for you. Because I love you. And I'll do anything for you. And I hope that you understand, I've said this to you so many times. So there we go. The strategies for building a strong marriage is follows. Show commitment, trust in your spouse, communicate with your partner, manage conflict in a way that is mutually satisfying, develop skills, be caring toward your partner, show affection to your spouse, set realistic expectations and prioritize time for the marriage inshallah, and I think that is going to lead to a happy, healthy marriage in which commitment of both spouses is definitely

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necessary. change and growth are definitely part of a healthy marriage. Always search for additional ways to renew and enrich your relationship. Your marriage is shamans and the most important point, the most important point and I'm repeating it for a purpose that we mustn't forget why we are here on this earth. If your marital life helps you to understand your purpose than your spouse is good for you. If your spouse helps you to forget your purpose than that marriage rarely requires a lot of construction.

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topic for sure, and communication.

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The next topic that we're going to tackle is entitled Shura and communication. I want to see what you know about your communication skills? Do you look at your spouse when listening to him or her? Are you trying to understand how your spouse feels instead of thinking how you feel about what he or she is telling you? Do you listen patiently to all that your spouse has to say before you start talking? Are you truly interested in what your spouse tells you? Do you expect your spouse to stop what he or she is doing? And listen when you need to tell him or her something? Do you stop what you are doing when your spouse has something important to say? Do you listen in a way that encourages

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your spouse to express his or her real feelings? And finally, do you listen with affection to your spouse? Now it is I said that first because it's really important for a spouse to understand what this art of communication is all about. And listening is also part of the communication. I think generally when we talk of communication, we seem to think it's about the talking and I know you always say the listening is more important now.

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If I took this test as it were, and I realized in certain aspects that hey, I am doing the wrong thing, I'm more interested in my response when my partner's sharing something with me, what are some of the changes that I could have one of the most ennobling things in life is when you speak to anyone, when that person listens with this heart, that person is telling you, I love you, I care for you, you are important, he shuts his mind. He doesn't think about anything else. And he tells himself, I'm listening to you, because I care for you. And I love you. What it does is rarely and listening is so critical. Because what it really does is the point that I always make revealing is

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healing. It inspires confidence in the other and it says, you know, when I talk to my husband, he stops everything, and he listens, and he listens. We are so preoccupied and trying to think of some answer, and in trying to do that, we miss some important cues. And you know, our Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was such a wonderful listener, and I think it's appropriate perhaps I need to bring to bear the prophetic model our Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam Listen, he never interrupted any person in the person who spoke when he turned his body to the person, what message was he giving that you are important, and this is such a beautiful, beautiful son of Nabi sallallahu, wasallam, he

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is the busiest of prophets, but he was able to give time to everyone if we can do it. Because there is a big irony in the sense that many of us tend to do it with people outside of our homes. So we need to listen with empathy, trying to understand your partner in that way, it will make a huge difference, because men generally are trying to give solutions to problems. But yet the wife purely wants someone to listen. Of course, I would also as a word of caution, our timing must also be appropriate, right. For example, when a man just comes from a day's work, he had a very stressful life, very difficult life, very challenging life. And the wife is eager to share something with him,

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allow the period of calmness, let him also unwind, let her unwind also, and after the period of calmness, when they've eaten something together, then they could talk about it. They talk about the issues they had the whole day, the frustrations, the aspirations, those happy moments, because many women also complain, they only learn about the husband in terms of what he's doing the community through other people. And because we have taken our life partners for granted, and we need to elevate them.

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Now here we're to talk about the wife who is a stay at home mom, usually what I find is that the wives feel unimportant and feel they're talking about what happened during my day is not going to be interesting to my husband, because he's had a wonderful day out in the world, his social life met other people. And all I did was interact with the made interact with the gardener and interact with one teacher at school when I went to pick up my children, how can we empower this kind of woman? They're really things but I want to start off by saying, Do we need any more elevation than how allies elevated the female, the mother, how critical she is, in terms of who she is. But an

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important thing is this. And I would also recommend very strongly that if circumstances dictate that the woman is a term that she can also enrich her life through many things, she can enrich your life through reading through interacting with the neighbors, and depending on the relationship with the husband and wife, she can also make a significant contribution to society. Now, in the end, we tend to diminish ourselves and this is a point when a woman has a low self esteem then there is a huge gap between her and the husband, you find the relationship is not on equal terms. I use the word advisedly she finds it difficult to raise issues or to question because there is a kind of

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obligation in terms because a husband to Allah's mercy brings food to the table because she does not have the kind of economic independence. Now on the other extreme, there are many people who have economic independence, but you have forgotten what the purpose is. There is a sense of self aggrandizement to a point of being aloof and how often I found when I'm dealing with marital conflict where men seems very diminished and because Rosie the risk comes from Allah subhanaw taala there are times when a man who has been as it were a person bringing food to the table to Allah's mercy, he might have been affluent, but because of some decision because of economic challenges,

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such a man now finds himself out of work, he finds that he cannot bring that food for table as he used to do previously. Now the woman suddenly it speaks to him anyhow, she's abrasive and rude. And I find this really and it's very sad because we tend to forget therefore the point I want to be sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is made if you think of Allah, the time of prosperity

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Have you think of in the time of adversity and this again is aligned to one's purpose and these no way that I know that people have indicated quite categorically that the woman is basically a slave, she does nothing. She's not part of the Illuminati of Nabi sallallahu, wasallam. And she's not allowed to make any significant contribution in terms of what she does her involvement with the community and uplifting humanity at large. Now, I want to go back to the scenario you just mentioned, where there's a family that is going through some sort of financial difficulty husbands now less empowered financially and Okay, you saying communication needs to take place? What will

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this couple be talking about? You see, in any circumstances, we should ask ourselves, what should couples be talking about in the first place, I think part of communication is reaffirming each other. It's about also understanding the other it builds up a solid relationship, how often we find that some men would say, you know, Alhamdulillah, when I went through that difficult time, my only support of course, ally, my supported the only support I had was my wife when everyone else did not believe in me who shun me because now suddenly, I wasn't the blue eyed boy, a man driving a fancy car. So I was really discarded by community and by society. But my wife stuck with me, she endured

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with me, she believed in me, she did not nag me. And that's a very important aspect. So part of communication is that we need to communicate our feelings, our attitudes to talk about issues to talk about align his beloved rhassoul, we need to talk about in terms of what we intend to do to strategize to talk about the future to talk about the challenges a whole range of things and smell the other prior to marriage, people appear to be talking to each other telephonically or whatever. But suddenly, after marriage, suddenly the same husband was such an exuberant person, he looks so depressed and sometimes even constipated. So what needs to be borne in mind is that yes, I

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acknowledge there are many challenges today, but what we talk about depends largely on our needs. But more importantly, the assumption is that when we are together, we are talking and if you're not talking, even the silences, the time for you to reflect this being with your partner is enough without anyone nagging just being there itself is beautiful they solitude in that there is the recognition, the otherness, recognition that I'm here with you This is the physical bonding also reflects a spiritual and emotional bonding. Mutual consultation assura is definitely an important component in a healthy relationship. Why is this so? You see the whole element of Shura, we are told

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by our Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was to this effect, whenever Shura takes place, and where, for example, like the home where the man is the meat of the house, if he were to make a decision, and if that decision ends up to be a wrong decision, he still gets one blessing, they get a blessing, but if the decision was the right one, then there are two blessings. But the whole idea is about consultation, the Quran speaks about that we need to consult consultations are so important. What it does, basically is saying to share things, and one of the beautiful things about verbalize it thing, you often hear something for the first time the other person could be a sounding box, the

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other person perhaps could give you another perspective and with more information that you have, you are able, for example, to make a more appropriate or correct decision. But what it also does is saying to your life partner to your wife, I value your comment, I want you to participate, can this not elevate the person self esteem? Of course, of course, it's a very subtle point they are see Shamim, you've been wide awake, right. But on the other extreme, if you find that there is no consultation with the man is almost dictatorial autocratic, then it would impact negatively on her, it can erode her self esteem. But I'm not suggesting that for every little thing. They must be sure.

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I mean, give a simple example. You're walking down this road, you meet one of your best friends from another part of the world. And it's suppertime. And you tell him brother, Jennifer supper, and on the way now with cell phones, at least our beloved wives, the sisters at home, have an opportunity to listen slowly come, darling I have my friend is here we come home for supper, right? That could create also a conflict. Now that's a point to be made. The point that I made earlier on that inviting someone home is such a beautiful thing is Baraka, the person makes the work for you. And Allah is a provider of food now in case you do go home, you have your meals there and afterwards

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when you're alone, your wife might tell you that how could you just tell me like that, you know, you always do this to me right now we need to discuss these issues. Therefore, in the early stages of your marriage, this must be discussed in terms of your likes, your dislikes, your pet diversions.

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Why do you think the concept of short I will solve marital problems, it will solve marital problems because there is a recognition of the other you're able to understand your spouse will understand exactly where she comes from where you come from, it will create bonding, it will strengthen the relationship, it will create mutual respect. Topic five, the power of two, you certainly are committed to the sacred institution of marriage. And clearly you want to do whatever is right. We are glad that all of you are seeing the relationship not only from your perspective, but also and most importantly, from the perspective of your spouse. We're living in a world where we are

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primarily concerned with our own rats, this concern somehow dwarfs into insignificance one's duties, it is very important for you to bear in mind the fact that life becomes harmonious when each one of us fulfills our duties in fulfilling our duties, we are in essence upholding the rights of others. Therefore, we are going to be talking in this segment about the power of two celebrating the relationship between husband and wife. Why the power of toiletries. You know, I recall a few months ago, I met a friend of mine, and he was telling me he said you know Idris, I always wonder that when my mother passed away, I was in a lot of pain. But I still wonder whenever my dad is to lift up his

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hands and pray he always cheered. He was so emotional. I never understood you know, only now that my wife passed away. Now I understand fully his tears. Because the power of two is something we cannot overemphasize. People are able to go through life with the many trials and tribulations when they know full well. They have emotional, spiritual and psychological support from the partner. When two people are involved in something this Barca is blessing Allah rockmart the sense is about united in one's purpose have a commonality of vision. Therefore, I remember when I came across the title once the power of two Wow, I said, it is magic. And if we understand that power, sadly, many of us only

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understand the power after through divorce or other problems. And one quotation often use that love knows not his own depth, except at the hour of party. It mustn't be that you appreciate the person that you love, only after the person is gone. So definitely to individuals who choose to form a marital union. Whatever decision they make has enormous power. And I think for better or for worse over the quality of their lives. Their marriage can bring them infinite blessings or misfortune, disappointment and strife and I think this is where we are inshallah trying to help couples develop a more harmonious relationship inshallah, an added point, how often hear people say, and I remember,

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I remember a dear friend of mine, who met up with a very serious accident at that time. He did not know that his wife was indomitable, she was resilient. She had tremendous capacity at that time, the way refurbishing the home. And while she was in hospital, he was thinking, how is this going to be done. But lo and behold, his wife, his beloved wife, fulfill all those obligations with flair and confidence. And then he realized, you know what, he was diminishing her, he was undermining her. And it's time that we open our hearts to each other, usually at the beginning of a marriage, the couple is very, very happy, they are in love. Now will this love alone be enough to keep one living

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together with one spouse happily and forever after? No love is important. But it is not the most important part of the most important aspect in a relationship. It needs to be repeated that what we require is knowledge, understanding, trust, respect, commonality of vision, consideration, a whole range of things, because love itself is not going to help Oh, I love you. I'm tired of your love. Because your love does nothing but gives me pain. And initially what happens is this when these this kind of chemistry and they say love is blind, as they say Puppy Love is a beginning of a dog's life that love is blind and marriage is an eye opener. They say all of these things because marriage

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itself has concomitant responsibilities. Love is beautiful. It is important if that underpins your relationship Alhamdulillah but you require other things. For example, if you have a beautiful home with a poor Foundation, that beauty itself will not last too long. And there'll be a sense of insecurity with members of that house or knowing full well that the foundation is weak.

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Now just to give you an analogy Yeah, just like a garden blossoms when the weather is sunny marriages flower and the emotional sunshine now words that come to mind appreciation, affection, caring and giving. These seem to be the sunshine for the partners a marriage definitely will feel more full as this warmth increases What can a couple do to increase this warm I like the use of sunshine. Every person has an image of his spouse and I pray the image they have is a warm sunshine spring life, regeneration, excitement full of promises. The other image could be darkness, autumn landscape, wintry and cold. And I pray that each one of us bring sunshine to each other. today.

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I'm smiling and giggling a bit and someone told me it is Oh man, I am so happy when I see you. I said well, you must come home, you must tell my wife that you get happy when you see me. You know, at least someone is happy. And this is a point that we do not say enough to our spouses. We take it for granted. We assumed that tomorrow he will she will be there. We assume that well he I'm going to give you some ways of expressing the sunshine. initiate a hug or a gentle touch. Agree with something that your spouse said, pitch in and help something you don't usually do in the household. gladly do your part of the household functioning. Express admiration for example, I like the color

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that you're wearing. express things for something your spouse has done. And this is one we always forget to do. Smile, be playful. declare your love. talking together. Say what you appreciate about your spouse. Discuss the personal dilemma. share things about your day and discuss issues that are on your mind. Set aside time to spend time together. do an activity together that you both enjoy. Together, help someone or do a volunteer project. Inquire about something of importance to your spouse, give a gift, something you make or find or buy doesn't even have to be expensive, laugh together. And finally, cherish your spouse. These are ways inshallah, that you can bring the

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sunshine into your marriage. You see what underpins everything it's about doing. It's about taking action steps to bring people closer together. I love this beautiful metaphor of sunshine that we spoke about. It gives me the idea of hope we're talking about a future we're not talking about just doom and gloom. And I think what's coming out of this is to say that yes, there is a way forward. Yes, if you do these things and if you try out these pieces of advice given in this CD inshallah there is going to be that sunshine in your home inshallah. Now, from your experience with people and in dealing with relationships, are there any distinct patterns that you have found in relationships?

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Yes, I found several patterns. But I look at some general patterns that perhaps reflect the time that we are living in, and perhaps also what the times gone by, and shall I'll show you why the prophetic model is indeed the model all of us need to embrace. The first is in a patriarchal society with a male chauvinist. And to illustrate it in a diagram in a circle with the man is in the Northern Hemisphere, and the woman in the southern hemisphere. The whole idea that I'm in charge, I'm in control of this kingdom, this is my domain, and you are my vessel, you are my subject and you are completely subservient to me, whilst at a particular time that you worked in the sense where the

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woman exceeded or they began to acquiesce as it were to that lifestyle they began to give in it also created a reaction the reaction has been the woman says, No, you're not in the Northern Hemisphere. I am in northern hemisphere. This resulted really in the feminist movement. It was very, very strong. It also created also lots of acrimony and hostility that we are in charge, we are no more going to be subservient. We are going to be vocal and what actually happened there. Instead of that, being a solution Waltz, it gave women independence, it really accessor baited the problem. Now the relationship between husband and wife has become adversarial. And you found that many of them really

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did not embrace the sacred institution of marriage. But if you look at the prophetic model with the circle, but this time the Demeter is not horizontal, but it is vertical. On the left hemisphere, for example, is the man and the right hemisphere is a woman but with a particular axis, the

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Access reflects that there are times when the man encroaches almost into the domain of the woman to assist and support in whatever she is doing. For example, it could be household chores. And especially the time when the mother is under tremendous pressure with the husband helps support engages with her to fulfill that responsibility. And similarly, in the excess of the bottom, the woman also encroaches into the male domain, as it were to assist and to support, can I just explain the diagram here a little bit so that we all have the proper image and you tell me if I'm right or wrong here, you're saying the diameter needs to go from top to bottom, that's what we're talking

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about vertical with the husband on the one side and the wife on the other, but the axis that you are referring to is drawn at a diagonal. So it's neither vertical nor horizontal. So if you're drawing a circle, draw the diameter down the center giving you your left and right hemisphere. One is the husband's one is the wives and then going through the middle of the diameter. If you can have a deviant axis by this I mean, your axis needs to be diagnosed, the axis needs to start on the wife section and end of in the husband's section. Because now what you're going to continue with Idris is going to be a little bit more relevant because I have a diagram in front of me. Thank you so much.

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And it's quite clear that shamima is a maths teacher, I sometimes go off at a tangent, so she reminds me. So the whole idea behind that illustration is to show you that the home is not the sole preserve of the woman, and especially the kitchen that a man and as our Nabi sallallahu, wasallam, as you and I know is to help his wives with household chores, and you only left when he heard the call of Amazon. And similarly, the woman also helped their husbands in things that they were doing. Because there are very few things in this world are only the sole preserve of either the woman or that man, what it really does. It does not create hostility, it creates harmony, it creates

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compassion, it creates caring and support. It tells her I love you, therefore I help you with your burden, and you are telling your husband, I love you. No amount of words can re replace those kinds of action that reflect a great deal of sympathy and sensitivity. So I would encourage men to feel that rarely, they should not enter the kitchen, except to reprimand the wife if the food is taking too long is vital to cook a meal sometimes, why don't you do that, and that will tell your spouse I love you. And I'm here to help you. I love you. And from my experience with women ages, women are often saying they want to Little help in the kitchen. They're not saying spend all your time in the

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kitchen with me. But the women are saying that just to show that you care say to the wife, you know what you can put your feet up where you go and sit with the children and all prepare dinner today and doesn't have to be a three course meal. It can be something basic like sandwiches, the fact that the woman is now not stressed having to worry about going into the kitchen and preparing because you must remember no matter what you preparing, even if it's something like its effort, and it's timing. And likewise, men are saying that they want women to be understanding that it's been a hard day of work and how they want the woman to handle that kind of situation where as you said previously, you

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don't allow your husband to walk in and start bombarding him, you know, children did this unit the maid did this, you know, the bathroom chapter is not working that kind of thing. Yes. Just to conclude this, Jemima, you alluded to this. Sometimes there is this kind of notion. Well, you know, ah, I work hard. I had a tough day. But my wife, she's having a good time she's relaxing at home. And this is a wrong notion because the responsibility of a mother is so demanding. The men do not have the emotional strength, neither the patience or the resilience to endure what the woman goes through what is required, rarely a reciprocal understanding of each other and what they do and in

00:44:11--> 00:44:14

that way, I have no doubt it will create harmony.

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Topic six, dealing with in laws and the role of grandparents. The objectives of this segment are as follows for you to analyze your relationship with your in laws for you and your spouse to confront each other about your attitudes toward your in laws. And finally, for you to appreciate the need for a harmonious relationship with the in laws, a really important topic and let's see what angle we're going to be taking inshallah it's quite gratifying to note that you are now connecting with your spouse after the topics that we have done Alhamdulillah now one of the reasons why many people divorce is because of the inability to deal with

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In laws, we need to acknowledge that whilst this may be a sensitive issue, what is needed is wisdom, compassion, and consideration. Happiness is not a selfish emotion. it embraces not only us but also our parents. It has been found that families who enjoy true happiness are ones that get emotional and spiritual support from the extended families. In fact, couples can unleash their true potential knowing full well they have a binding support from their parents. In this segment, what is needed is for you to confront your true self in terms of your relationship with your in laws, to what extent do you think you are unreasonable or fair in your assessment of them and more importantly, in your

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relationship with them, it is critical for you not to forget the big picture your happiness in the marital relationship would be affected by the happiness or otherwise of your spouse. The need for compromise and decisiveness is fundamental now this probably started you thinking you thinking of your in laws or you perhaps thinking of your spouse's relationship with your parent whichever way it is, let's see what is your relationship with your in laws and here we are going to be doing a very quick analysis because you're going to then determine how much of this applies to you what do you believe about in laws now there are five options for each with number one being strongly agree and

00:46:28--> 00:47:16

number five strongly disagree I'll give you the others in between number one is strongly agree number two mildly agree number three not sure number four mildly disagree and number five strongly disagree so we're going from number one agree to number five disagree and this is an analysis that both husband and wife can do in their relationship to their in laws question one in laws can be best described as outlaws here you can rate number one as you strongly agree number five strongly disagree with mildly agree disagree and not sure in between. If you forgotten you can actually go back to the previous track to get this in laws should not be consulted when major decisions are

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made. Number three in law visits should be few and far between. Number four daughters in law should not confront their in laws. Number five sons in law should not confront their in laws. Number six, all disputes of daughters in law should be handled by the husband. Remember you answering number one strongly agree number two mildly agree number three, not sure. Number four, mildly disagree. And number five strongly disagree. Number seven, neither the husband or the wife should show any disrespect through word or action to the in laws. Number eight mothers in law should stay far away from the kitchen and benign, when in laws want to visit, they should inform timelessly number 10 in

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laws should never accompany the husband and wife on any holidays. Number 11. I believe that I will be a wonderful mother in law and the 12 I believe that I will be a wonderful father in law, the 13th in laws should not interfere with the discipline of the grandchildren. And number 14, the final one children should be allowed to spend holidays with the grandparents. So here you've answered number one, moving on to the top of the range number five, with number one being strongly agree and number five being strongly disagree. Have you been able to analyze your relationship with your in laws? Nigeria is such a big analysis so much in introduction about in laws, what is the problem with

00:48:54--> 00:49:41

regard to in laws shamima there are many issues many problems, but I use the word problems advisedly. I see them as challenges. To me it is very sad that the inability, as you indicated in the introduction, the inability of people to deal with the in laws has contributed largely to tensions even to divorces. Because sadly, there are not many people who know how to deal with others. And often you find the root cause is not so much the personality of the character of the mother in law, it often is a result of the insecurity of the daughter in law. And I believe that in life, life is never meant to be easy, but it is your challenge how you deal with that how you manage

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that relationship, how you decide, for example, how to deal with conflicts, the series of questions that you're asked are very critical questions because if the husband and wife are not on the same page or not have a similar understanding of the issues, then any one of these issues could be

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Be a cause for conflict of acrimony, and even bitterness. And what we need to understand in the end, that if we want to have a harmonious relationship, and I want to share this, and the point that you made so beautifully, that happiness is not a selfish emotion, it embraces others that many people have this notion that Well, my wife and I are getting married to her, I'm not getting married to my in laws, and I'm happy with her. But sadly, life is not all about that she has a relationship with her parents, she is connected to them because of who she is. So the Way to Happiness is really embracing the whole in that way you become closer to your spouse, one thing we need to remember is

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that the in laws are our children's grandparents. And I think if you work from that premise, you're going to have more respect for them. And you'll accept their importance in being part of the family. That is important, because every parent does things differently. And what is important that the children themselves are in essence, product of the environment. And we need to understand that because the way you've been brought up, whilst you might appeal to you, because it is about you, you become very critical. But what we need to understand in life, there are many ways of doing things, that whilst parents may differ in some ways, as long as the product in the end is a product that is

00:51:31--> 00:52:10

respectful, embodies dignity, and knows how to deal with others, that is fine. So we need to respect that, because many people do not want to change. And as a result, they become very negative. And we got to understand that they are his parents, and you got to respect that is from your experience in dealing with people and handling people's relationships and their problems. What are the kind of issues that parents in law are saying about their daughters in law, or sons in law, and the other way around what our daughters in law and sons in law saying, Look, I don't like this, that my mother in law does, oh, I don't like this that my father in law does, you know, maybe we can then have an

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idea that this is what I'm doing wrong. There are many things right. And one of the things is this, they feel that sometimes modern laws can be an intrusion, they come in at inappropriate times, they might, for example, early in the morning, from the sun up, or, for example, in the conversation of their son, they show little regard. And in fact, when they want to invite their son and daughter in law home, they feel the need to only communicate it with the sun. And as a result, the doctrine of fields marginalize. And what has also happened is this, these almost like a sense of insecurity on the part of mother in law, sometimes and even doctors in law, because the mother feels she has lost

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her son. And she tries everything. She clings tenaciously to him, while she had all the opportunity of bringing him up and nurturing him. And the daughter in law on the other side of the coin also feels insecure. He feels that she and the mother in law competing for the son's attention. But what she needs to understand that she's the mother and a mother has many rights over the sun. And that is very, very important. Now, any relationship in which any spouse in, for example, recursion, or whatever method that he might or she might use, make sure, for example, that there is literal contact between the son and his parents, or the daughter and her parents, and that relationship is

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bound to suffer. What about a problem in the home with in laws sometimes just being as a result of a misunderstanding? And here again, I'm moving to, I think, a bit of a mantra that I'm using, and I'm talking here about communication. You know, oftentimes you hear the following words, you know, my mother in law said, or I overheard my mother in law saying this, that or the other. And likewise, the mother in law is saying a similar thing. And on numerous occasions upon investigation, it was found that it was just a big misunderstanding, misunderstanding plays a significant role. And what needs to be done is before you have a knee jerk reaction to anything you need to understand, for

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example, what has happened, what was communicated, and instead of responding with anger and acrimony, is better to identify rather better to confirm whether what was said was what you have heard, and misunderstanding really creates problems and often it's not so much the reality but the perception of the situation that really is problematic. It's generally accepted that when you get married you not only marry your spouse, but you're also marrying into the family or into a system in laws come in different types. Some are supportive and respect the marital boundaries, others I like it is your duty to say

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There needs in order to deal with in laws, you have to be willing to adopt a different mindset and attitude change, then you can enjoy smooth sailing. Now it is what I want from you here is some guidance as to what his son or daughter in law or prospective son and daughter in law might do to minimize the possibilities of having in law difficulties. I like this term in law difficulties. Now I know you're going to do 10 tips with me, and I want to just read each one and then you're going to elaborate on it, I think that we will definitely get the 10 tips and then you're going to perhaps give us examples or elaborate on them. Number one, first and foremost, except that your in laws

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aren't your parents. As a result, they aren't likely to have the same ways of doing things or the same sets of rules, as your parents did compromise on differences that are less important and negotiate those that are more essential. Yes, compromise is a fundamental in life. compromise is fundamental in managing all relationships. But when there are issues, thorny issues that impact it is critical that one confronts it, because often, when these things are not confronted, it could really erode the happiness and he could really create lots of tensions. Number two, realize and accept that you can't change someone else, you can only change yourself build better relationships

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with your in laws, by recognizing your role in any conflict, it's very important for us to look introspectively to reflect it is very easy, in fact, to be judgmental, but is far more critical. We look inwardly introspectively and see what you can change, the only person you can change is yourself, changing your attitude, changing your behavioral pattern. In that way, you'll find that you're able to embrace them in that too, you'll find you'll able to engender a very strong relationship, but the moment you sit back and become judgmental, that'd be problematic. And I think that usually is what happens is true shamima dealing with in laws. Tip number three, think of your

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in laws as a potential resource to expand your support network, get to know them by spending time with them, listen to them and create a reciprocal relationship where they can get to know you try and engage in some social activities that are compatible with your in laws in this way, the emphasis rather, is on you trying to get to know the other instead of wanting them to get to know you, you show the initiative. And one of the ways of getting to know them is to visit them have a conversation with them. Because in the end, or parents want to feel satisfied that the doctor is made to someone that is worthy of love person that can be mostly supportive of her and perhaps

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together as a couple, they can do things in Sharla that are pleasing to Allah subhanaw taala. And the other idea is to do some activities together because once you are involved in activities, that is one surefire way of bringing people together because you are united in the purpose. Number four, create a separate relationship from your spouse with your in laws. This is very important to nurture a family environment at home and decrease future marital conflicts. Yes, you must be recognized as the son in law that is the husband of my daughter, you need to have a separate relationship with them in which you discuss other things besides marriage for you, for example, create a sense of

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interest is a kind of bonding that goes on in that way, instead of them becoming judgmental. Instead of them having a knee jerk reaction the doctor comes on to say but no in our relationship with him, he appears to be a wonderful human being in that way. They be able to be more forthright and patient and perhaps are recognized there's a need for negotiation rather than ensuring that the marriage does not work as

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it is I just want to before I move on to number five or something else here we giving tips on how to deal with the law. Now if it is an in law, who is presently listening to us on the CD, can these tips and rules apply to an in law with regard to their daughter in law son in law? Yes, of course. Of course it applies to all of them. All right, I just needed to make that clear. Thank you. Tip number five. If you are experiencing conflict with your in laws, talking to your spouse to get their opinion is a good thing. However, making your spouse the middle person to solve the conflict is not fair. This is a lifelong relationship with your in laws. You need to learn to deal with them in a

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pleasant way. That is one of the most critical points as sometimes women have some issues with their mother in law. The issues may be serious or maybe even trivial but then to insist and tell your husband

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Please, I want you to solve this now now, right? If you don't do this, that will be a big problem. One of the worst things is for any man to see his mother to the eyeballs of his wife, that way, it takes a relationship, a relationship that is often based on innocence. Now, it is begrimed as it were by this kind of thing. So what is important here is this to look at the situation, if something requires discussion, inshallah, I pray that the doctor laws learn how to cope, or the mothers in law and where they are able to talk about issues without being antagonistic but in a pleasant way, often, as you said, at the beginning, many things happen because of misunderstanding or oversight.

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And we don't want a situation that breeds conflict. Number six, host of formal event to meet the in laws serve food that you know, is the favorite of either of your in laws. In that way, they'll say, Wow, they love us, they know what we like. And when you do these little things, you find that the in laws themselves, take a quantum leap as it were to embrace you. Number seven, always remember, to keep things in perspective, clashes with your mother in law may actually intensify as you get older, a newly married younger woman may not be very confident about her own opinions. And if she has a mother in law, who says things ought to be done her way is harder to challenge her. But by the time

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a woman is middle aged, she is normally a well established adult who has her own strong opinions and feels more confident. As a result, she's more likely to confront her mother in law head on resulting in problems. And you got to ask yourself this very fundamental question, by my confronting my mother in law, how is this going to help? Is it going to breed positivity? Would it contribute to harmony? And the abiding question is this do you want to be right, or you want to be happy, we need to learn to forgive, we need to also understand that none of us is infallible, you're going to make mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. Number eight, in laws can't start to relax with each other until

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they achieve mutual acceptance. Yes, now that is so true. The whole idea is that if you look at the two sets of in laws, it's very, very important that you are able to create a situation of harmony bring them together and regarding that, when sometimes unwittingly, you show a kind of biasness to your parents at the expense of the parents of the girl of the spouse and vice versa, that can also be very, very difficult situation. So we need to be as fair as possible. And of course, at the same token, we would expect our in laws to also have an understanding to give the children space so that they can develop into fully fledged adults so that they can enjoy each other and fulfill their

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rights and their responsibilities. Whether you're living with in laws or not, make sure that you have open lines of communication. also explain your likes, dislikes and personal boundaries and give your in laws an opportunity to do so as well. This can help in avoiding any misunderstandings. This was number nine. Because one of the things that strikes me immediately is about the whole issue of discipline. Many a young couple, some of them are often afraid to leave the children with the grandparents because grandparents when they were young parents, they a lot of fire. They were very robust and they were strong disciplinarians. as they grow older, they tend to be a little mellow,

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and what they did not accept when you were a child, they tend to accept this with your own child. And that creates a problematic situation. I think it's important to have open communication and where you discuss, for example, what you are trying and how you're trying to discipline your children. And so what we want from them is support and of course guidance. Now we're moving on to tip number 10 on how to deal with in laws. Be respectful to your in laws by paying public and private tribute we appropriate making sure you are sincere in giving that tribute. Yes, once you pay tribute to anyone, it makes a huge difference. What it does, it inspires confidence. They have a

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wonderful feeling and really they are drawn towards you. They are sympathetic towards you. It must be genuine, it must be authentic. As it is we've covered all 10 tips on what we can do in order to develop a relationship better or perhaps even how to improve the relationship with the inlaws. Now I want to move on to somebody who's perhaps newly married or perhaps getting married. What usually comes across before the marriage is I love my husband to be a wife to be I love my in laws because I have no hassles with them and

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The hassles usually start after the marriage, sometimes while there is the conflict before as well, but let's just say that they aren't any, because we don't know each other all that, well, how can we avoid it, you know, minimize that conflict right from the start. I think, you know, I'm not too happy with the idea of in laws, you know, whilst these are kind of legal terminology involve the bottom line, they are part of the family, because in laws means the only part of my family now legally, legally, they are part of the family, they don't outside the family, and we need to embrace them. Because remember, in the end, whatever emotional support you get from them, in the end, we are

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the beneficiaries. Because we are living at a time when many of the families have become very dysfunctional, and those that have the support of the grandparents, where there is harmony between the daughter in law and the mother in law, you find that the children of that environment have a better chance to succeed, they have a better chance to be empowered the right kind of attitudes. And the other aspect that we need to also understand that one of the things that you got to always be in mind, the husband and wife must strengthen the relationship, once they have a very strong bond, then inshallah that will help them to cope with other challenges from the in laws. And sometimes people

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say, you know, my mother in law just drives me crazy, you know, but what are you dealing with essentially, is the personality type that you're referring to? Right? Often, you see what you got to also understand that in many ways, the kind of roles we assumed when you were children often play into adulthood. What do I mean by that, that, we need to understand that as you grow older, we need to adopt more adult like attitudes, we need to refine our character and our etiquette. And once you do that, then you'll be able to recognize the otherness of your in laws and give them the due respect they deserve. You now want to go back to this little term you used about my mother in law

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drives me crazy now, can it not be upon reflection, more the fact that my mother in law has a wealth of experience, and she's sharing with me advice on what I should be doing. But well, it could come across in the wrong way, for two reasons. One, I'm not open to suggestion and to the style in which it's being told to me, of course, but at the same token, while I acknowledge what you are saying that sometimes some mother laws can also be overbearing, and if we have a perspective transformation, or look at it differently, she could even say, you know what, my daughter in law, of course, she comes from another home. And perhaps she has some unique ways of doing things that I can

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learn from. And you find when daughter in laws and mother in law's share recipes, when they work together, there is so much of joy, and no one sees that as an intrusion, because the bottom line in the end is also it's about your own self esteem. And we spoke about that about adjustment. And if you are by nature, insecure, then you'll see every act of your mother in law in a very insidious way. It also give it a kind of intentionality and say, No, she's doing this. Because of this, she's doing this because of that yet, intentions may be completely Noble. And I think the very beginning of the marriage, often when the doctor requires the most kind of support that gotten law, and the

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mother in law should have such a beautiful relationship where she's able to pick up the phone and say, Ma, you know, I'm cooking this severe, what advice do you have for me, and it's rough owning our own mother speak to her mother in law, the mother in law, be very excited about that, because she's seeking advice from her. How can a mother or a father help in building up the relationship between the daughter and the in laws or son and the in laws? I think it starts off as children, it's by your own example, they would see how their own mother and father dealt with in laws. And when children grew up in a home where their own parents have a beautiful relationship with his mutual

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respect, and children would really mimic the parents adult behavior. And also what is needed anyway, is maturity and understanding. And I'm so glad that we are referring to this because, you know, there's so much of impatience now, maybe our lives have become very stressful, we don't have the time and energy to even make a little phone call. You don't have the time and energy of even having a conversation with the other. Now, I want to go back to one of the questions that I had asked in the analysis and the question was as follows in laws should not be consulted when major decisions are made. Number one was strongly agree and number five was strongly disagree, what should the

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correct answer be and what are some ideas of major decisions? You see, for example, let us say you are thinking of relocation. You think you're moving from this town to another town? Okay, which is the correct answer first, it all depends. I

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I would say that they should be consulted. They are your parents. They need to be consulted. therapists get both the in laws that together have Matura to have a discussion consultation and seek their advice. Right? And yes, if they are any reasons in which they have some misgivings, you could reconsider it. But the same token they need to also give the benefit of the doubt in terms of your own wisdom, what you discuss now the question is if as a young boy you have inspired confidence in your parents, then there is a strong possibility they would support you in what you're doing, because in the end of fraud, they both love you and what the concern is about your happiness here or

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anywhere else.

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When does the father in law fit in the picture with his daughter in law son in law, the father in law is very critical. I think often father laws appear to be less emotional about situations they are less expressive about the concerns while the mother in law or the mother are more effusive. They are more expressive and where there is a need for sanity to prevail. Often the man has to play a significant role otherwise the man could also exacerbate the situation. I'm not suggesting that all men are rational enough in doing that, they may be a few who are not