Dynamics of Marriage – Episode 1
Channel: Edris Khamissa
File Size: 31.42MB
Basic Principles of Self-Esteem
Idris camisa Productions Presents marriage moving from discord to harmony. This set of CDs will cover the following CD one basic principles in a relationship and self esteem, CD to adjustment in a relationship Shura and communication, the power of two and dealing with in laws and the role of grandparents, CD three, dealing with in laws and the role of grandparents continued dealing with conflict, how to increase happiness in a marriage and harmony in the home CD for choosing your spouse and successful marriage tips for a happy married life. Address. Hermes is a well known international educationist and trainer who has conducted workshops and seminars in South Africa,
Nigeria, Australia, United Kingdom, North America and United Arab Emirates. He is an excellent motivational speaker who has tremendous faith in man's capacity to make a change his attendees find his programs and life changing. Idris homies a must be commended for this first class set of CDs on marriage and institution that was once revered that of all statistics attest to this, many married couples do not truly understand their roles and responsibilities. They are also inept when dealing with issues that impact on their relationship. Romantic notions of marriage cannot draw into insignificance its prosaic reality, these CDs tackle issues that all spouses are confronted with.
Instead of the home being a site of contestation. It can be a sanctuary for the couple. Idris begins by reminding the listener of the objectives of marriage, which is often blindly ignored. He then moves from the selection of one's life partner to a recipe for a successful marriage. He looks at family dynamics, creating a loving atmosphere, spousal obligations and self purification. shamima Catherine is a person with great passion about education. She has done an arts degree with a Post Graduate Diploma in higher education academic profile is of a Master's scholar. Her honors dissertation was on the Islamization of knowledge and her master's dissertation involved the topic
alternate therapies among Muslims shamima presently holds the position of head of departments at alfalah College she is receptive to change and ever willing to serve the needs of her community. Her special interests is empowering learners to develop the right kind of attitudes and an ever changing world that is often challenging.
Topic one basic principles in a relationship or marriage is a huge responsibility. As a result, it should not be treated lightly. It rests in the light of these words, I know you are a person who does not take the institution of marriage lightly. And in the numerous workshops that you've conducted, I am aware that you have found homes where there are problems with spouses are calling out for help and I just want to read something that you've written about marriage. And here goes marriage should be a blissful experience with spouses creates an environment of love, affection, devotion, and understanding. Whilst there are many who find marriage blissful and empowering. There
is a growing number who are either disenchanted or even desperate, it will not be wrong to say that this sacred institution is under threat. It is not uncommon to hear of divorces in our communities. It is also a fact that many of the youth either find it difficult to sustain a marital relationship or even have an understanding of its attended responsibility. Sadly, parents appear to be helpless and often resign themselves to the situation. Yet it is true that instead of being prepared for marriage, what is happening is we are prepared for the wedding. It is in this context that this set of CDs have come to fruition through your interaction with the community and you realizing
Alhamdulillah that there is such a need for this kind of information being imparted to families and to spouses, as long as spouses are prepared to make the necessary changes, then instead of the home being a seat of conscious station, it will be a sanctuary for members of the household. We must note that it is not how we see ourselves but how we are perceived by our spouse the dynamics of this day and age demand skills and knowledge in the following areas. And I think these are the areas we are going to be discussing through the set of CDs inshallah, self esteem and adjustment, Shura and communication dealing with conflict rights and duties of husband and wife and the power of birth,
dealing with in laws and the role of grants.
Parents disciplining and managing children bringing harmony into the home. Marriage is seen as a partnership. It cannot be left to any one spouse. Individuals thrive in a home where there is a commonality of vision. Many of us are in denial we must acknowledge the challenge. This will be the beginning of learning. We have no doubt that the situation can change from desperation into hope. Insha Allah What is needed is an objective look at the reason for this and at the same time to restitute marriage as a sacred institution, this set of CDs is going to confront the real people it is going to confront the husband and the wife insha Allah, it will be exhilarating and life
changing. What you have to do is embrace the change and happiness will then inshallah embrace you. Finally, what needs to be said is that this set of CDs are an authentic response to a profound need that has been found in the community. It is very easy to count the seeds in an apple, but one can never count the number of apples in a seed. The incremental effect of this set of CDs on any one individual cannot be quantified. It reads in the light of this very long introduction to our set our series on marriage. inshallah, I want to ask you what has been your motivation for coming up with this idea of a set of CDs on the topic of marriage, as salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato
shamima, we are living in very challenging times. And it is very disconcerting when you look at families that are affected. And some of them for very trivial reasons. There's so much of anger, so much of condemnation and contempt, where couples who've been married for a long time, or even for a short period of time, believe the separation is far better than fulfilling their respective obligations. And in fact, as I indicated in the introduction, many of us are in denial. If you walk around of communities, you go for functions. I mean, I look at them, many of them put on this kind of facade, you know, that I'm happy yet, you know that his wife and his children have serious
issues. Some of them, in fact, are technically separated, if you know what I mean. But they're staying together. And recently, I've been getting of more divorces and knickers, for example. But I do not want to be a prophet of doom. I really believe very fervently. If two people are committed to the institution of marriage, if they are prepared to embrace the change, if they are prepared to do introspection, inshallah, we'll be able to change the home environment, because each one of us, either we bring with us spring to our homes, or a winter, we either bring the sunlight or darkness, it's about us in the end, because one of the things that we fail to do many of us is to celebrate
our own relationships, to enjoy each other, to celebrate each other, we do not do enough of that on one level. The second important point is that we fail also to understand the other. And I'm sure throughout the series, we will make pertinent references to each of the reasons for that I want to share with you shamima a story that I read the other day, and I'll attempt an American accent, if you will. He was this man who went to see his psychiatrist friend, and the psychiatrists was surprised they said to him, man, what brings you here to me today? So Well, you know, I have a lot of issues about my wife. And my psychiatrist friend said to me, I'm surprised that you thought you
had issues about yourself. And when he told me that I began to look at myself through the eyeballs of my wife. And what did I see, I saw three or four obnoxious qualities in me. And when I changed those qualities, after three months, I suddenly found myself in a happy marriage, and the point of that, instead of us blaming others, and that's a tendency we find everywhere, blaming the other, we need to accept responsibility. We need to look at how others perceive us because part of marriage is very critical. And I'm gonna say this again, try to see yourself from the perspective of your spouse. Now you spoke about celebrating relationships, I need to celebrate my relationship with my
partner. Now what if one partner in the marriage is very committed to the relationship and the other isn't? How is that possible? It can't be a one way street. Agreed. I found more often than not, I found that many of us fail to understand our spouses. Some of them may be reticent by nature. Some of them are expressive. A few of them perhaps grew up in a home in which they never saw that
Kind of celebration. They grew up in a home it was a pure patriarchal community in the home where the father was in charge the authority figure, the wife was obsequious and fawning. She was there at his beck and call almost out of fear and intimidation. And sometimes a young men growing up into that home, for example, believes that you know what I'm in charge. I'm the man Yes, we know that the man is a middle of the house, we shall discuss that in great detail. And when he grows up like that, and he believes it is macho, to behave that way, and not macho, to express or to be effusive about your feelings, it is very important for him to understand that for him to engage his spouse is very
important for him to celebrate and to enjoy, and for the other person who's doing the celebration, I can understand the frustration, but if you get to understand inshallah, throughout this program, and perhaps I would share with the listeners a technique that I employ, for us to have an empathetic understanding of the other, because this is precisely the point because two people are now sharing a space to people from two diverse backgrounds, your eating habits have been different your sleeping habits, your social habits, you may not be as gregarious as the other and a whole range of things, spirituality religiosity, so, now you are the product of that environment. And now you are another
environment, which perhaps doesn't share the same kind of values, perhaps the same kind of experiences is now how you and your partner need to nurture each other, build on each other, support each other. Therefore, we are told we are governments and to each other. So what is required an empathetic understanding, because in the end, if you have a spouse who does not say much, but you think he loves you, but he does not say much, surely, it becomes very challenging for the other to make assumptions. My husband is quiet because he wants to be quiet, nothing is going on in his mind. He's not disturbed. So each time you're going to speculate and you might be wrong, and therefore we
learn from our noble example Nabi sallallahu, alayhi wa sallam that we need to be expressive about our feelings. Our Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was so expressive about his feelings to a point in which the people listening to him felt a sense of endearment. Because we're dealing with human beings, as you said, to different people from diverse backgrounds, different temperaments, coming under the same roof, creating the kind of problem or conflict as it were, in the home, sometimes small, sometimes big. So we saying yes, there are problems in the home, sometimes leading to dysfunction in the home, or even worst case scenario leading to divorce. What are the basic
principles involved in human behavior and in relationships?
There are many basic principles, inshallah, let's see how many we could share today, the one critical aspect that we need to understand that we are all human, and being human, it means that we are going to make mistakes, and we need to embrace the other. And the element of forgiveness is very critical. None of us is infallible. And sometimes, you know, and often shared this is that we need to judge everything by a person's intention. Sometimes you might intend to do good to a piece to please to India, and all of those things, but your action doesn't come out that way. So we need to judge each other as we will be judged by Allah subhanaw taala by our intentions, is it not that some
partners in a marriage are living in a utopia where they expect there to be no conflict, no problems, no fights, no arguments? Of course, there is no heaven on this earth. In that sense, we've got to understand that marriage itself is very challenging. It's a very sacred institution, and we need to work at it. It's not like magic. Yes, some of them have more blissful marriages than the other, we are on this earth for a purpose. And one of the fundamental aims of marriage is when we help each other to find ourselves to find a line is beloved wrestle inshallah to attain Jana, what happens rather, is that many of us have this kind of almost a jaundiced picture of life. Therefore,
it is said even in the land of milk and honey, you get the kick of the ball, and the sting of the bee, and it's part of the challenge and once we have that understanding, therefore, we need to negotiate and navigate in that true sense so that you're able inshallah to move from one day to the other, being happier all the time. And knowing full well, that throughout, you're going to be tested. And I think accepting that yes, they will be the arguments they will be the conflict but it's the way
We deal with it and working on the principle of communication is what is going to work inshallah, agreed, if you are realistic, you will understand there are going to be situations of conflict, there going to be situations in which you might vehemently disagree with your spouse. But it is how you manage that how you learn to disagree agreeably, when there is a problem, when the element of respect is gone, when respect turns to contempt when there is anger, and when people fight fire with fire, and therefore, one of our recommendations, one serious recommendation that I make is that at any given time, in any situation, one person must be the mature person, if one of them is ranting
and raving, you do not add fuel to it, you be silent, be the mature person, because in the end, the person's ranting and raving, inshallah, we'll come to this realization, because anger is such a thing in which the shaytan, the devil thrives, in which you're going to say things that you are going to regret. And once you have spoken something, no matter how hard you try, the words cannot come back.
You know, I just remember a story now that you mentioned this about a couple that I heard having an argument and the wife was very cross because her husband made some mistake in the home, and there was some damage in the home, and she shouted and shouted Uncharted, and let him know that what you did was absolutely wrong. And instead of him turning around and saying, oh, but you know, it was your fault to leave that particular bucket in the way or whatever it was, he turned around and said to her, I'm so sorry. And she looks at him with her mouth open. And there was nothing more she could say, because she was ready for a fight. And this has been being the mature person that you are
speaking about decided, yes, he's going to apologize because he made the mistake. And she was quiet, because there was no way that argument could go on further. All he said was I'm sorry. And that was the end of the whole story. Excellent, because part of what you are saying, This is what we also need to understand we need to take every situation in his context. And you got to ask yourself, how significant is this issue? How significant is this issue in terms of harmony in our homes? And the point that we need to always ask ourselves something in which sometimes when you find couples that are very, very agitated and they are fighting is, do you want to be happy? Or do you want to be
right? And that's a fairly fundamental question. And to say, sorry, I'm sorry, but then it is the onus of the other to accept the apology. If you do not accept the apology, if you are going to say, well, you're only telling me this because you will stop the argument, then you create another problem, you must accept it. Because if you cannot trust your spouse, and accept that, you know, often, sometimes you might say, but remember, 10 years ago, you did this, nine years ago, you did this whole catalog of things. And I can tell you this much. This, especially when a person is sincere with his apology can be very demeaning, can be very insulting, then the Trust has been
eroded. So in his own mind, he will say, I apologize. I'm sincere about it. Look at my woman, she shows no gratitude. She's so insensitive, if this is how she wants it to be, let it be that leads to another situation. There's always things in one spouse that you dislike that you want to change now, is it always the spouse that has to change to suit what I want? Or do I have to change as well? There are two things again, if you want your spouse to change, you must change. And one of the things that we need to understand fully, many people spend a great deal of time of saying no, I'm going to change my husband, or sometimes long before they're married, they realize the husband has
or the wife has some negative quality that is so serious. No, I'm in love with him, and I'm definitely going to change it, I know we're going to change it, then you are afraid to confront the reality. So it's important for you to change and once you effect the change in you, inshallah it will engender change on the other. That's one level. The second thing is none of us is perfect. Each person would have some kind of shortcomings. Each one of us has certain strengths, and you have certain concerns. Each one of us has certain idiosyncrasies, some personal peculiarities, because the way we've been brought up the kind of things we do when we eat, for example, or some pattern of
behavior, although it may not be something goes against the Sharia, but something that you cannot sit comfortably with, and we need to accept that right, a lot less. The person doesn't have habits that are embarrassing sometimes and many come to my mind and those kinds of things and other matters.
And you need to try to understand the other because Are you perfect? Are you perfect, none of us is perfect and learn to let live. But if that habit is something that is impacting on the marriage, what you need to discuss then is another matter and talking about that. And I would recommend very, very strongly, especially at the early part of your marriage, when couples are drawn to each other, when they're blind to each other's faults, and they make promises to each other is a time they need to sit down and say even before that, throw the parents to say, darling, I love you, I really loves you. But you know, darling, whenever there's going to be a conflict, and I'm sure we're going to
have a few of these, how do you think we should resolve it very critical, very critical. Look at some way, the timing must be correct, not the moment of anger. So inshallah we'll share that with them. The reason I'm saying this, I've come across many couples that I'm counseling some of the married for 25 years or so they've had problems in the early part of the marriage that was pervasive throughout the marriage, but none of them sought help. None of them tried to resolve this. But what has happened now, suddenly, that has become a problem in which one of them both of them cannot handle and for a few of them as individuals, they feel the best way out is out of the marriage that
24 years or 25 years comes to nothing. In fact, they say for a believer, No two days are the same. So the next day should be better than the previous day. Yes, we will have a different kind of challenge. So what I would recommend is to get an objective way without us being irrational, impulsive, even later on to develop some goals and say, some habits that we shall inculcate that even the moment of anger to our first before we say anything, we make overdue ready to rock as Nuffield salah and at an appropriate time, we will talk about it, but we need to dissolve it. And once we have those abiding principles, you will find inshallah, that each challenge becomes a
teachable moment, each challenge becomes a moment in which is a couples going far apart, they can become closer to each other. And the same time, the point that you raised early on, about communication, I will not know what my wife likes, until she tells me that in everything, even in the intimacy of the bedroom, we need to speak about this. This is what I like I like it when you do this. I like it when you do that, oh, I liked it today. in public, you acknowledged me and you praise me. I felt so joyful. I liked it when you say these words of endearment. I liked it the other day when you call me Shashi Baba Lena. What about then when one has to criticize this the problem
that I found with my spouse, and I need to very lovingly say to him or her that I wasn't happy with what you said, or I wasn't happy with that kind of behavior in that particular situation. Again, it's about us understanding each other and saying before the situation even comes about arises you say if I tell you anything, my darling, let us all say it, we'll do it together like this. If we need to pinpoint any area of concern, let us do it with love. And when you criticize the aim of criticizing is not so much of condemning. And it's about pointing out your strengths and your concerns and to say to your wife, you know, darling, I love it. When you respond to my SMS, I love
it. When you do those things, then I feel loved by you, I feel acknowledged and affirmed by you. But sometimes when I send you a message, you don't respond, I know you're busy. I just feel something maybe you don't love me, you know. And in that way, what happens in the person understands Now similarly, in other areas in our home, because as I'm gonna be selling loudly, was seldom said is far worse to pick the heart of a moment than the Kaaba. When I heard that the first time shamima I cried, look at it. Because the Kaaba is something that draws people together. It is something it's about us one Qibla facing that unity of purpose, unison, that whole thing that you can break because
yet the Kaaba, it's symbolical for the home of Nabi sallallahu, wasallam yet on a personal level is worse to break the heart of a believer, because one of the worst things ever and something that I want to recommend very strongly that you know, you have issues with a person, but doesn't mean you gotta stop loving the person. And regarding that, yes, you will have your differences. But it is tragic when the couples face the back to each other in a moment of anger and shutdown likes at home in which they do that. In fact, the moment of anger and reconciliation should come around the same time on the most difficult things is when you have been hurt and when your husband tells you I'm
sorry, is for you to say Yes, I understand. I accept your apology. I know you made a mistake, but no, I think about it.
Let me think about it until tomorrow morning. And then it could happen as it does happen the next morning, she is normal, or he is normal, we shall regret it for the rest of our life. So I think what you are saying here is never go to bed with an argument unsettled. Never. I'm not saying now you pick up the gloves and say this whole night, you're gonna fight, right? But it's better. But if, for example, you see, I'd not want to impose it in every home, people have different personalities. Some of them would say, you know what, darling, I forgive you. But I prefer to talk about it tomorrow morning. And then you say, No, I'm sorry, darling, you're not going to bet of putting the
lights on called discuss it Now. Now. And also, it would depend on the type of argument or the type of conflict that's taking place. Absolutely. So what is critical is that each couple, depending on the personality and the maturity need to come to some understanding some kind of compromise how they will deal with disagreement. I know that one of the other basic principles of human relationships is that at least once in everyday, try to say one kind of complimentary thing to your partner, we need to find it, it is so easy for us even as educators to find out when someone has done wrong is you are wrong. Boy, for example, is one test that I've been exposed to with this particular presenter
said to everyone, all of you must tell me when I'm right. So he wrote on the board. For example, two plus two is four. No one said anything. Three plus three is six. No one said anything. When he said four plus four is nine. They all said but you're wrong. He said, No. I told you tell me when I'm right. We are so used to it, we need a paradigm shift regarding that is very, very critical. So we need to find ways and means of being complimentary. I came across a herb this about one couple that married for 6070 years. He said every night, they'll say something sweet. And he says if I've heard my wife's feeling, I put a sweet in a mouth Alhamdulillah. So each one of us depending you know, I
mean that some of us will require a whole suite factory to do that. But it all depends on our situation in our home. And in that way you see part of that of being complimentary is this one of the abiding principles must be that in public, you praise your spouse in public, you say good things about your spouse, wife years that or husband years, they feel good. In private, you have an issue many people out of immaturity, they become defined in public, I find that in shopping centers, I look in the rearview mirror of my car, I look at couples, because something I've observed, I can see anger, I can see the guest circulation early in the morning, the going to work, can you imagine the
pain the heart of the other when they're going to say goodbye to each other? The kind of defiance and this kind of attitude? So we need to do that. So what I'm suggesting that we must become sensitive to our own feelings, but moreso the feelings of the other? What happens if there is some sort of argument in the home? And I know I'm right, as I always am? This is what the one spouse says, Is it possible that the one is writing an argument and the one is absolutely wrong? It could happen. But it takes two takes too. And one of the things that I read somewhere, that often in an argument, or in a situation, the person who does the most amount of talking is a guilty one. Because
then you're gonna provoke a person. I've seen people that are timid, like Glenn's art of provocation, the same land becomes a line, he reacts with anger, through violence, and the other person gets a shock of his or her life. So it's very important to be balanced in our perspective, to decide on what needs to be said. And it's not only what you say, but how you say this. And regarding that, you know, something that I will always recommend to people that we must avoid really being judgmental. You know, when you say yes, I know you said this because of this, but But how could you say that? It don't justify it, because I know you you are never straight to the beginning. You know,
be straight now. And what happens? Then you become the prophet of doom. That person says, You know what, I'm wasting my time. And really, I would recommend to people that one of the things that need to understand about relationships is that relationships are very dynamic. They need to be always rekindle. They needs to have auto creativity. As I say, if you do the same things the same way expect the same results. surprise your spouse to something's different. bring flowers sometime to the home. say you know what, for example, I've jokingly said this killer wife deli did not cook tonight. I'll take you out for supper, where I'm talking to the veteran, the mean that real people I
mean, I'm just joking about it. And there needs to be laughter we need to be smiling. This
Same husband often at work he is darling of everyone is so understanding 360 dropped something on his documents. He would tell her Don't worry about it. He said but I've dropped the coffee on your expensive suit is only the suit but your feelings I'm worried about do you need to take off you need to have a break. You can go home, you might be having a tough day today. The same husband would that persona that is so pleasant, endearing, so romantic, the same husband at home, anger, upset dictator, constipation, no laughter Why is there this discrepancy? And I am saying the solutions are with us is not so much what is in front of you, what is behind you. It's what's in your heart, that
purification of your heart, cleansing your heart of suspicion, cleansing your heart of jealousy, opening your heart out and embracing the other on the most beautiful things in life is when a person tells you, I love you, and you embrace each other. That is so beautiful, is so reassuring, because I tell people this and therefore I'm not surprised many business corporations today shamima arbing, marriage and parenting as programs because they realize that if the employees of my company come from homes that are happy, then they can unleash the potential. I tell people, I do not mind. The whole world is my enemy. As long as when I go home, I got a wife that is waiting for me is happy to
see me and I'm happy to see her.
I'm sure there are a few more principles on humans and human behavior and relationships. Do you want to just give us at least one or two more? Listen, listen, listen. We want to talk talk. We want to interrupt. Look at the beautiful prophetic model or Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam never interrupted anyone. He was the last one to remove his hands official cans. He turned his whole body it was a person. It's about information, recognition, and about connecting with each other's heart
before you say or do anything, think about it. Think about the implications. not allow your pride, your knifes to take control over you. I've seen many people in the fit of anger, destroy a home demolish the hearts. And one of the worst things is for children to grow up in a home in which is anger. discontentment. disenchantment, only harsh words, but no words that are soft. I recall the words of a priests or one said and it is in keeping what we are discussing. He said words to this effect. harsh words make hearts that are softer than silk harder than rock. Soft words, on the other hand, make hearts that are hardest rock softer than silk. And the point of that is that if two
people are angry, and if they use words that hurt the demean instead of reconciliation, there'll be contempt or only contempt, it would lead to a painful, very painful separation. Another point that one needs to be in mind is that one needs to also have what you call suburban patients. And that is so important and through patients. inshallah, you'd learn not only to understand yourself and your partner through patience, you will ensure that through circumspection you say the right words and the timing is everything is very, very critical. The further point that one could make is that at any given time, one should be objective enough to know exactly for example, what is my contribution
to this discord, it is very easy, very facile to blame the other without looking at yourself and when situations are in the nascent or early stages in terms of differences, we need to vigorously assert ourselves to make sure that what is potentially dangerous can become inshallah something that is so beautiful, that brings joy and love to both the spouses. If this preamble to the topic on marriage is anything to go by, then I have no doubt that you are going to find the rest of the set of CDs absolutely informative and didactic. What is imperative is that throughout you listening to the set of CDs, you need to look at yourself objectively and to ensure
harmony in your home, you have to look at yourself through the eyes of your spouse. So this is a very different take on what you need to do in order to improve harmony in the home. inshallah, yes, you need to confront yourself. The crux is effecting change without imposing change on your spouse, and what normally happens, I want to change my partner because I feel he's doing x y Zed wrong. And if I make a change in that, then all is going to be fabulous. But here we saying do change in yourself without imposing change on your spouse. Ideally, you and your spouse must walk together on this spiritual journey. You need to be supportive, one can find true joy, if we are truly committed
to the sacred institution of marriage, what is the acid test? It's not so much how you are perceived in the public domain, but rather how you are perceived at home. And I think that's the biggest test. And in Surah 30, verse 21, the following is set out the Billahi min ash shaytani r rajim Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim and among His Signs is this he created mates among yourselves that you dwell in tranquility with them, and he has put more weather and Rockman between your hearts verily in that are Signs for those who reflect Yes, we can certainly enjoy tranquility of heart and peace of mind if we embrace all that is noble as is exemplified by our beloved Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon
him, if we want to live a wonderful legacy, then it is vital that we are called to our spouse respect and dignity, it is all left to you inshallah, now, that is going to be our way forward to see what I can do to change not what I can do to change my spouse inshallah, topic to self esteem. It is the next segment that we're going to move on to is entitled, self esteem and adjustment. Now very surprised with this as a topic, what has self esteem to do with harmony in the home between husband and wife, self esteem has got to do with every aspect of the home, I have found, and this is observation of many people, psychologists, people involved with marital counseling. And they found
that when a human being has a low self esteem, such a person has difficulty in adapting to new responsibilities, adapting to a new environment, because he's a creature of habit like most of us are, the most important aspect is this, that if you do not love yourself, if you have a low self concept, then what happens is that you want the other person to adapt to you, you're not prepared to make a change, you're not prepared to embrace new ideas, you're not prepared to also make decisions, you are a warrior, you are also a person is not a problem solver, you lack independence. And more importantly, you begin to put a great deal of pressure on your spouse to try to understand you
because as human beings, we must understand a critical thing that the marriage scenario is new to all people who just who just get married is something different. It's a new kind of part of their life, a new venture, as you might say, but a very critical part of their life and the foundation of their life will determine largely how they're able to adapt. And because many people find it difficult to adapt, or some of them don't adapt at all that creates great marital Discord. It creates anger, it creates bitterness, because most of us are often tainted by our picture by our life view. And more importantly, by our life experiences in that way, we tend not only to diminish
ourselves, we tend to also diminish others. Definitely I can see that self esteem does contribute toward harmony or disharmony in a relationship, but it is I think, to understand this better, or to even go any further, one needs to discover where on the scale he or she stands with respect to self esteem. So I've got a lovely self esteem test to administer. And what needs to be done here is paper and pen is required. I've got 16 questions, which you're going to answer true or false to whilst administering this self esteem test, you need to consider the following. When I ask a particular question, there's just two choices either true or false. And sometimes you're not too sure. Ask
yourself, is it more true than false the way your options in terms of a percentage and go with perhaps your 60% as opposed to your 40% option rata hold?
You've got that pencil and paper in hand, true or false, Christian one. Other people are not better or more fortunate than me, Christian to, I accept myself as I am, and I am happy with myself true or false. Question three, I enjoy socializing with people. Question four, I deserve love and respect. Question five, I feel valued and needed. Question six, I don't need others to tell me I have done a good job. Question seven, being myself is important. Question eight, I make friends easily. Question nine, I can accept criticism without feeling put down. Question. 10 I admit my mistakes openly. Christian 11 I never hide my true feelings. Remember to answer true or false question? 12 I always
speak up for myself and put my views across. Question. 13 I'm a happy carefree person. Question 14 I don't worry about what others think of my views. Question 15 I don't need others approval to feel good. Question 16. I don't feel guilty about doing or saying what I want. That is the end of our self esteem test. I need you to count how many true and how many false? you've answered, inshallah. What have you learned about your self esteem? Brother Idris. I'm very lucky. I enjoyed the tests. I remember when I first came across it. I said, wow. 16 out of 16. Now, many people say what 16 out of 16 is suggesting that is perfect. It's not about perfection. In fact, self esteem is a recognition
that you are imperfect. Is it ironical, because what the test is all about is understanding who you are understanding your self image. But most importantly, recognizing that you are a unique creation of Allah, that the other person is different from you is that better than you were not looking in terms of your spirituality, we are looking at those aspects, we're looking at basically, about who you are, it's got nothing to do with looks, the car you drive, where you stay, the kind of home the position you have in the community, it has got nothing to do with that. In fact, a king may have a low self esteem a beggar might have a high self esteem is not about who you are in the social
hierarchy. But he is how can a spouse who is forever being diminished in the home being told you don't know how to cook, you don't know how to take care of the children. That is the husband talking to a wife on the other side of the coin. If a wife is saying, Look how badly you've provided for the family, we've got nothing look at the other husbands what they provide. If you've ever been belittled like this, how can you have a high self esteem, agreed shamima these things can erode your self esteem, but you find that the erosion becomes a far more effective or far more dramatic, depending on what is your situation anyway. For example, if you grew up in a home where your self
esteem was eroded, it was not nurtured, there was no sense of appreciation and you went to school, the similar thing happened by your educators and the kind of friends you had none of them affirmed you or gave yourself belief. So you will go that insecurity to your marriage. And what happens and if you have a husband that is impatient with you, or perhaps is harsh towards you and negative towards you, then that can have a profound negative impact. And when that happens, rarely, you will begin to feel a sense of insecurity because self esteem is really about valuing yourself about looking at yourself and saying Alhamdulillah for Who am I and the potential I have, of course to
improve and that is important because sadly and I agree with you that sometimes depending on the wife or the husband, this constant bludgeoning all the time, nothing you do is right, there is no sense of appreciation. And when that happens, really, must, must erode your self esteem. And that is why it is so important that as parents that we need to give a leave behind a legacy, a legacy that will help our young boys and girls have sons and daughters to cope with a very demanding world because marriage today is indeed very demanding is far more stressful than it was at a time when we are living as part of the global village where there are stressors in our homes and young people
need to feel good about themselves feel good in terms of how they are perceived by the spouse, but more importantly also they need to ensure that they feel positive about who they are.
Sometimes when there's marriage between spouses of different ages, by that I mean a large gap in age between the one spouse and the other, can this not contribute to the youngest spouse having a lower self esteem feeling that the oldest spouse knows a lot more is more mature is more experienced? Yes and no shamima because many people that perhaps much older, they have a sense of maturity, but they need to also ensure that the person they marry also is nurtured into the relationship because it's unfair, for example, to impose your wisdom, your life experiences, and expect her to behave in a particular fashion in which you only develop those characteristics that personality after many, many
more years of living on this world. Now, the critical aspect is this, that sometimes young people who marry many of them are precocious, who understand what life is all about, and they can enrich each other. There is no real problem when there is an age gap. But there is a problem in which the gap itself reflects a poor understanding of each other, then there is a real problem. And I would recommend is not surprising, for example, that our beloved abyssal allele was Selim was, I think 25 when he married a BB Khadija was 40. And yet it was such a harmonious relationship, one of understanding one of mutual respect and how our Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam used to go to her
for counseling. And in that way, what we need to do is depending on our own situation in our life, we need to support each other and show an understanding of the other. So taking advice from the prophetic tradition is definitely going to help inshallah, and I think what you've said, and perhaps what you're going to be saying in the rest of the CDs is the communication and how we handle the relationship is what's going to create the harmony in the home. inshallah. You know, besides communication, if you look at the same question that you asked me, one of the thing is this, if the couples are not aligned in terms of their purpose, and then you find that they are going to have
serious issues, perhaps the older husband, as it goes much older, he does not have the physical stamina, another thought struck by it. You see, it all depends on what our purpose is in our life. And sadly, that many people have problems in the marital life. And they say, you know what, my husband doesn't take me anywhere. I'm not saying that he should not. I'm not saying that. But that becomes a serious problem to some of them. They understand if, for example, circumstances dictate that they need to stay around in the locality. And that is also very critical. and came back to your question about communication, communication is most critical, because what we need to understand
even in our silences, we communicate, I mean, you could look at your wife with love, and you tell her that I love you by just looking at her. You don't have to exchange words, but words themselves are very important, saying what's in your heart, sharing your deepest, deepest situations of feelings that you have from your heart. Now, I just want to tell you what the characteristics of a person with low self esteem is and that of a person with high self esteem and then I'm going to ask you my question, a person with high self esteem is independent, optimistic spiritual, accepts himself and others has a realistic awareness of strengths and weaknesses is a problem solver trusts
and values the self the characteristics of a person with low self esteem is the following person is highly dependent, pessimistic and fatalistic sees oneself as unlovable is resistant to change, indecisive, a worrier, and always blaming others. Now, once I've realized where I fall in the scale, can we change how we view ourselves? Can we change ourselves to improve if I'm on the lower scale to increase my self esteem without changing my personality in any way shamima is like this, I can sit back and justifiably blame my father, my mother for my own situation, because perhaps did not give me all that love and affection, I could sit here, but the same token it does not mean or people who
grew up in a particular environment would become like this, many people, many young people, many people from different parts of the world, what they have done is to take ownership. The one thing is a vicious circle, where we begin to perpetuate what you experienced as a child you perpetuate that if your father, for example, was a person that was rude, abrasive and he did not accept responsibility, then you yourself perhaps will perpetuate that but you can, on the other hand, say you know what? You don't want that to happen.
suffered because of the kind of qualities my father had, I am going to change, I'm going to embrace it because I have only one life. So in other words, you can make the change. Yes, it is not easy. Neither is it difficult. But it requires an attitudinal change first, in other words, saved yourself that I need to change. And as you rightly gave the distinction between high and low self esteem, you could make out the person with high self esteem, has the promises to be happy, has a potential for growth, he has acceptance, he loves himself, not in a sense of, Oh, I look so pretty, I'm so handsome. It's not about that. Because only when you love yourself, you can love others. And that is
a very important thing. And I don't want someone to say but why this kind of laborious references to self esteem. In fact, if you give that as a gift to your part, and if your wife, for example, has a low self esteem, understand her understand the circumstances that led to that you could nurture because marriage is not about from the day one, suddenly you find these excitement, there is a kind of energy, the kind of graphics you often see in movies or wherever else this kind of, you know, anticipated joy, the no one has a quarrel, there is no disagreement, but there is no problem. rarely, if we not only not a problem, in fact, I would encourage people to invest in each other,
understand each other and help each other to grow. In other words, as opposed to the circumstances that perhaps made a person a victim of a particular environment, you could do the opposite. You could give your spouse all that love, you could nurture her, you could support her, we tell her everything is okay, I'm here for you, we are together. And in each other, you get the strength, the resilience in terms of dealing with all kinds of situations that you find yourself. I've recently met two different types of parents, the one I met with, he told me about her illnesses and the kind of difficulties she had in her marriage. And she said through all of this, her husband was the
support for her. She had difficult pregnancies, she had serious illnesses, but her husband was forever standing by her side. And while talking to me, she made so much of the art for him. Then on the other hand, I met a woman who said to me that I have Mashallah such a good husband, but I don't know what to say to him, I feel that everything I'm saying is not important. And she realized that she needs to make a change. And here again, she spoke about how supportive her husband was, but two different kinds of situations. Maybe if you can give us a way forward in both these scenarios, just to help people understand I just seem to find sometimes the scenario helps in putting things into
perspective. If you look at both the scenarios that you painted, these are real situations. And in fact, every other home has one of those two scenarios. But the important aspect is this that element of gratitude on the part of one recognizing that the husband is making the work. And I would also recommend this I remember, you know, many years ago, I was at some function I cannot remember. And I'm always intrigued when I listen to people because we must learn from everyone. And when he said that someone came to him and complained to him about the fact that he's got marital problems. And he asked him, tell me do you and your wife ever make dua for each other is what do you mean is try to
do this, after you meals, you raise up your hands, you make a dua to Africa, and make $1 for each other, make dua and then you tell her, for her to continue the dua for her to make a door. He said that that particular inverted commas, ritual brought them together, because suddenly now she said, Oh, look at him, he's making the work for me is praying for me and praying to Allah. Similarly, she did that. And suddenly you find, of course, it takes a little while that brought about closeness. On the other hand, something that seems to be creating many problems of situation is that no matter what you do sometimes for your partner, you find these either insensitivity or not even a response,
not even gratitude, not even a thank you. And if we do the little things, that little things are those things would be a tipping point into to have an incremental effect on marriage, because we should take no one for granted. In fact, every day we need to renew the kind of commitment What if you have a spouse who is difficult, doesn't show gratitude takes you for granted and you're trying your best How can you get your spouse to do his bit? I think Jemima a greatly depends again, on how the person has been brought up. Now this is the whole point about communication.
The point that I'm making repeatedly at the very, very beginning, we need to set out parameters, we need to say that we are in it together, it is impossible for me to envision a home where the wife says, Well, I'm happy, but I'm not too sure about my husband, that is one relationship, even the father child relationship, because these are primary relationships, your happiness really depends largely, largely on also the happiness of your spouse. So the point that needs to be made that if you want to assert yourself, if you want to be demanding that you got to ask yourself, are you prepared to accept consequences of what you are saying your happiness also comes through your
spouse, and one of the things that I want to recommend while you're talking about this, because suddenly I'm able to visualize the many, many people that I've tried to interact with, I give one example, these individual a who enjoyed playing sports and then after he got married, he gave up everything. So his whole life his his wife, and him, his wife and him, then the children, wife, him and the children, no involvement in the community, no social interaction. Now, I cannot in my own mind, understand, whether such a person is happy, because what we need to understand that in our state again, marital life is a very important component of our life than the other aspects of our
life, which we need to fulfill as the Amati of Nabi sallallahu, wasallam we are part of a larger community in our lobby Salah loudly was seldom said there is no good name will neither be friends or is befriended. That means we have a huge responsibility of interacting with the oma interacting with people outside the home. And we need to understand that particular area and part of the process is this that in our marital life, part of the process is affirming ensuring that your spouse also unleashes his or her potential in that way, you're able to cope with the marital discord better than that individual who is dependent for his happiness on marriage.
You spoke about unleashing your spouse's potential, and that takes me back to the self esteem test we did and also the characteristics of a person with high self esteem and low self esteem. So I think now we're realizing that yes, self esteem is one of the foundations and building blocks toward a harmonious relationship inshallah, but I want to go back to the self esteem test where Yes, we've answered it, you were quite happy with your 16 out of 16. But I want to go through just what should be my How many did you get? Should I tell you be honest Jemima 16 out of 16 Livia, I very comfortable Alhamdulillah with who I am, and I think that largely has come about through the support
of my husband and my children as well. And I'm seeing everything that you are seeing in my life as well. But I want to go back to one or two of the questions in the self esteem test. The first one was other people are not better or more fortunate than me. Now, if I'm in a situation where I have a difficult has been always we perhaps not very financially secure, I'm going to be more inclined to answer truth that other people are better than me. And they are more fortunate than me, what what is the right or wrong of these questions? You see, if you are going to say that other people are better off than you, that means you are not accepting responsibility for your life, you are not taking
ownership, then you also saying that all people that are in my situation unhappy yet you and I know there are many people you look at them, they are smiling, they don't look constipated, they're very, very happy. They recognize Yes, I have challenges at home, but they are dealing with it. Because what we do not want in people blame the circumstances, blame the environment, blame the other person. In fact, I have concluded there are some people no matter what their circumstances, be moaning and groaning if for example, the workplace a they got issues with the boss, please be issue with a particular boss. And in fact, they got issues even with their split personality, you got
issues even with a shadow right because they despise themselves. And that's important. If you regard yourself as being unlovable, then you will not regard any person's affection towards you as sincere. The important dimension that I'm trying to make today is the fact that happiness also is self inflicted and not created by others. Can you imagine a person I'm not denying the fact that some people have issues of genuine issues and what we are saying that it is how we deal with those issues. If you do not deal with the issues then why mon you need to deal with it. You need to understand you need to share it because revealing is healing. The critical aspect in life is that if
you lead a full life and part of that life
critical part I said is a matter of life, you'll find when you bring joy to other people in the environment of work, joy to your neighbors, you get involved with sports, you go for your soccer program, whatever else that you are doing, then you're able to when you come home, to see it in its perspective, and the critical way to look at life in his perspective is to understand that we are mortal human beings, that we are accountable to Allah subhanaw taala that we need to do not only things right, we need to do the right things. Therefore, I spoke about the element of cyber and therefore you find there organizations amongst the communities, they are massages and Imams, social
workers and family members that we need to talk to them, we need to share with them what our concerns are. And therefore at the early part of the marriage, even prior to the marriage, there must be a decision that is made where the father and mother of the daughter, the father and mother of the boy, for example, they need to meet and say you know what, Alhamdulillah we are very, very happy for our daughter to marry your son. But as you know that there are many problems in today's society, and I would like my daughter to be happy as you'd like your son and you want them to be happy, maybe we should sit with them together and help them dealing with issues of conflict and my
advice is a following. For example, you mind for example, this third person whom we respect in the community that he helps them nurtures them, workshops them for situations, whenever there is a situation we would like them to open their hearts to him inshallah, such an individual who has credibility can help them to grow from strength to strength to recognize that we're going to make mistakes to recognize they are always going to be issues, but how they deal with those issues. But what has happened on the other extreme, at the slightest pretext the doctor wants to go home and the father at the slightest pretexts. No, my darling, I'm glad you came home. He cannot do this to you
don't go back to him. And I've heard many parents say that and what are we doing? Yet those couples yet they have fallen in love many of them they have chosen their own life partner. And perhaps they had a very rosy picture about life did not understand that for us to move from a situation of extreme joy in our honeymoon, the only way we can sustain it ensured that we are happy notwithstanding the fact there are moments in which we are going to be sad is how we deal with each other. And knowing what our purpose is, you gave such excellent advice about finding a third member of the community to help in nurturing the newlywed couple. I think that's such a brilliant idea.
Because what usually happens is the families meet to discuss the wedding, the wedding takes place the couple and are living together. Alhamdulillah they very happy when a problem arises, perhaps a year later, could even be five years later, 10 years later, then we trying to find an impartial third person to intervene between the two. And then the girl's family is saying no, no, no, we know that those people are related to you. So he's going to be impartial. And likewise, the other side is saying the same thing. So there's already a fight about that before there's reconciliation. So even before there's a problem, if that person is identified, I can already see such a beautiful start
inshallah to a relationship. In fact, shamima if it is done at the very beginning, when there isn't much anger, but they are concerned, if it is neglected, it is perpetuated, then it turns to indifference, thereafter, maybe to anger, then to contempt, then to defiance. Then I heard people say My heart is dead. I'd not loving effect, I hate him. And then to reconcile them, it is impossible even when the man says I'm sorry, darling, I did not mean it. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Now, instead of her saying, okay, fine, I accept it. But this is what I need you to do. She would rather say No, it's too late to say sorry, because they have not understood the enormity of
the lack. It's a very, very grave decision to make, although it is a situation which alike sets with something that is really an act that we should avoid, as far as possible. And it can be avoided, if we deal with a situation at the very beginning, when there is a stamina and commitment to do the right things. And when the family themselves are trying to heal the hearts. Rather than seeing it purely from the perspective of the daughter or the son. I want to go back to the self esteem test. And number five, Christian was I feel loved and needed. Now if I don't feel loved and needed in the home, what can I do to change the situation? Of course, I mean, you can only feel loved and needed
when you for example, are doing certain things to be worthy of that love and to be needed. You cannot for example, do nothing be a spectator in your own life. And then you demand that kind of love and you say Listen, you know what, why don't you make me feel a part of your life. It's very important for us to understand each other but for men
To work, it requires not only words, but action steps need to be taken action steps that reflect your love action steps that reflect that you respect action steps that tell the other that you know what we are here together, we shall go through any kind of storm, I'm here to support you. Yes, it is true. We are governments and to each other. So for you to feel valued and needed, you have to do something, it's about action. It's about really not about passive responses. Now, this is really an important one. Number nine said, I can accept criticism without feeling put down. Now, what would be the stopping point? I mean, how much of criticism Can I take? And I think here, it's how the
criticism is made. If it's done in a very loving manner, okay, you can give us more on the space, if someone is criticized all the time, then the person is going to have huge problems. But when you, for example, are saying complimentary things, when you are applauding your spouse, when you say wonderful things about my darling, I love you, when you do this, my darling, you were so good yesterday, or my darling with the children, or I'm so proud of you, when you say all of those things. And then on the occasional moment, you are critical of her right, of course, it depends largely on your own sensitivity. And if she's got low self esteem, then when you become critical,
then it is Oh, he doesn't love me anymore. In fact, when you're critical of your spouse, and you need to love that means your time the person I love you. Therefore, I'm telling you this because feedback is very important in any kind of relationship. There's just one more I want to do on this the last one number 16, which says I don't feel guilty about doing or saying what I want. Now, here usually the tendency is to feel guilty when I'm doing something for myself. And I just seem to think that this is more with the mothers taking care of the home taking care of the husband taking care of the children and the minute I find some time to do something for myself, I feel guilty because I
should rather be spending this time with my children or spending money on my children, how do I maintain the sense of self,
you see, what needs to be done is this that all of us also have needs, all of us have needs to have needs and once and it is important for us to ensure those needs are also being met. Otherwise, what will happen that we become 100% in every aspect, we did not give any chance to ourselves for ourselves to grow for us to celebrate and do things a therefore I would recommend very strongly that mothers wives for example, they need to also find time for themselves and pamper themselves as it were because they need to recognize the fact that we are multifaceted human beings. And all of us need this occasionally. But if it is done all the time, at the expense of managing a home at the
expense of firming the relationship of fulfilling your part of the bargain, then it can be problematic