Essential Fiqh Class – Sunday January 3, 2021

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Daood Butt

Channel: Daood Butt

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

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Suddenly will suddenly more ad and a vehicle carrying le formosana to attend with tasleem rubbish shortly suddenly were suddenly angry. That Emily Sonia Gabor Kohli, my brothers and my sisters said Mr Alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu.

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So it is 2021.

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And it is a Sunday, just like the Sunday that passed last week, and in Sharla hoteller, like the Sunday we will see next week. And the reason why I say that a lot of the time is people feel, you know, 2020 was annoying or the previous year was annoying, and it was difficult but really 2020 was a wake up call from a lesson kind of a way to add it as a time to reflect time to

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to be thankful to Allah subhanho wa tada You know, every single opportunity that Allah deals our way or puts before us is a blessing from Allah Subhana Allah to Allah and we need to accept it, we need to navigate through it, and we need to try to work harder and harder and harder always.

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And if we look at the chapter that we are going through the chapter of marriage, and

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and even we try to understand where we are in our marriages, or where we are in life with regards to marriage because some people are married, some people are not married, some people are divorced, some people are, you know, widowed, some people are like, you know what, marriage forget that, right. So there's, there's a lot of a lot of different challenges that people will face in life, and we need to try our best always, to navigate through them in the ways that will also handle it either has, you know,

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prescribed upon us as we see in the Quran, as well as through the Sunnah of Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

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To refresh our memory,

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I want to ask, Who remembers what we left off with last week. And if anyone can maybe just list in the chat, in the next minute or so, what exactly we studied last week, and the different points that we discussed, before we carry on with our session for today.

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And in the meantime, I want to, and that's while, you know, those of you who took notes, and those of you who attended, please feel free to write it in the chat or in the comment section. And in the meantime, you know, I want to really reiterate the fact that 2021 is just a number. Yes, we can look at it as it's a year to come and potential and growth and goals and so on. And that's good, that's good for planning and life and, you know, trying to make sure that we Excel and you know, get better at what we're doing. But a lot of the time you find people at the end of every single year looking back in a negative way.

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And I want you to try and find the positivity in it, I want you to think of just three things that you benefited from, in the last year, or three things that you got better at, or three things that you changed within yourself, or three things that really affected you and made you feel closer to a law, or three things that you know, you learnt that made you more patient, or, you know, anything, anything that's positive, because looking back at 2020, and thinking, you know, it was difficult, it was hard, it was annoying, and we just want to erase it and forget about it is not the way forward. We don't forget about 2020 we don't say that it was such an annoying year that you know, we should

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just let go of it. Rather, we should think that it was a blessing from a loss and handle what to add. You know, when you think of that year and you think of the pandemic and you think of the hardships that we were faced with, you know, Allah Subhana Allah blessed us with the ability to spend more time with family.

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I was talking to my cousin earlier today, who lives in in England,

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Manchester to be specific. And you know, he was saying, you know, a lot of the time people have been complaining we want to work from home, we wish that we had more free time. We wish we had the ability to you know, just just get up in the morning and work from our home office rather than going into an office or you know, we wish we had more time on our hands or we wish we could just be bored for some time. You know, we wish that we didn't have so many responsibilities and we wish that we weren't always having to rush from place to place and get up and take the subway or take a you know some sort of public transport or getting the car pay for for gas and you know the time and

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transportation and so on. And when you look at what Allah subhana wa tada has blessed us with in 2020. A lot of a lot of us have been blessed with the opportunity to work from home and have more fun

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free time and not be so busy, and expenses get cut down and not, you know, be busy in the in the rat race so much where now you're focused more at home and you're working from home, and so on and so forth. And of course, there's down. There's a downside to everything. But

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isn't that a blessing, like, if you think back to three years ago, people would say, I wish I could just work from home. Now that many people are working from home, they're saying is a blessing to go into work. And so as human beings, we're never really, really happy, we're always thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. And that's what I want to tie into our class today. When we talk about marriage, and we talk about the rights of the spouse, we talk about the rights of the husband, or the wife, or the rights of the wife of the husband, a lot of the time, we will compare ourselves or compare our situation to someone else and say, the grass is greener on the other side, that

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person has a better marriage than I do, that person is going through more happiness than I am, that person has more wealth than me, that person has more children than me, that person has more free time than me, that person, you know, seems happier, that person gets to go to restaurants with their family, that person gets to post on Instagram, and that person does this and that and all these different things. But really, the grass is not greener on the other side. Because if someone else was to look at your life,

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they would probably say the same thing about you. They'd be like, Oh, look at them, they have the luxury of electricity in their homes, and they have the luxury of the heated home instead of you know, homes that are not heated or homes that are insulated. So well, you know, they have the luxury of

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speaking a language that's internationally known or understood. They have the luxury of, you know, live streaming and using the internet, they have the luxury of, you know, so many different things in life. So Pamela, you know, a simple thing I remember when we were students in Medina, when I first first got there, I didn't know where to go and do laundry. So I was washing my clothing in the sink. Right. And I know, I could see some of my colleagues from Medina who are online watching right now. And they're probably thinking,

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the sink, right, yeah, but that's probably what every single one of us did, right at the beginning, we took our clothes, and we just bought, you know, little packet of tide, laundry detergent powder, poured it in the sink with some water, and you know, just scrubbed our clothing by hand and then rinsed it out, maybe went in the shower and like hosed it down a little bit, and then hung it on our room because we didn't have a washing machine, or we didn't know where the most setup or where the dry cleaner that you know the laundry that was so some kind of luck. There, there are always going to be times in life where you think that the grass is greener on the other side. But really, once

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you get to the other side, you look back and you say, Oh, you know what, I missed that, and I missed this. And I wish I had that. And I wish I had this. And that's the same thing in marriage. So when we go through the remainder of the rights of the husband,

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over the wife, you know, don't don't feel at any moment that

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if I only change

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my situation in this marriage, right? Or, you know, if I was married to that person, or, you know, had I chosen that sister or that brother to get married to things would be different, you know, things would definitely be different. But would they be better on the last panel without a nose. And so the reason why I'm saying this, and what I'm trying to, you know, get across here is try to work at what we learn, try to work at the points that we're discussing the different topics that we that we bring up in our classes, try to work at making your marriage better. If you see that you argue a lot. Ask yourself, why are we arguing? If you notice that, you know, there's disagreement between

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husband and wife, ask yourself why is there disagreement? Is it me? Maybe I'm the one who's saying something that's triggering my spouse? And yeah, maybe she's in the wrong, right? Or maybe he's in the wrong but if I don't say this, or if I say that differently, or if I wait to get my point across at a different point in time, instead of just addressing it right when there's another problem going on, then maybe I can actually navigate through this marriage a lot better than I have been already. Right. So I'll have to let you know that's just something I wanted to share right off the bat from the very beginning now.

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So someone's asking what's something that we can do to make ourselves stop comparing our lives to others? Okay, so let's let's get into the questions at the end of the session inshallah. Tana,

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we had done nine points. Okay. So we were learning husbands rights, and we had done nine points. All right. That's one person said. Let's see what others have mentioned here. Asked if anyone attended to right to the husband from the wife. Yes, but which rights? Right where were we? Last week we discussed was someone else says the last trait that we discussed was that the husband had the right to not not be reminded of what the

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Wife spent on the house from her wealth. Very good. Okay. That was the last point that we took.

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And the next one that we're going to take and shot love to add is

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the rights of the husband, or it is the rights of the husband upon the wife

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that she be satisfied

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and content with what they possess, and not overburden the husband by spending beyond his means. Okay.

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We kind of touched upon this last week. And here we see an example in sort of bollock a loss of Hamlet, Allah says, Let the rich men spend according to his means. And the men whose resources are restricted or not as much, let him spend according to what Allah has given him, a love puts no burden on any person, beyond what he has given him. A love will grant us after hardship. Now.

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So here's what I love about understanding yourself, right? Very important when we think of 2020 2021 and COVID-19. and stuff like that people are saying, oh, there's going to be, you know, a COVID 2021. Or, you know, now we're moving into COVID 2021. But technically, you know, we should be thinking, thinking of it as I am here today, and they may not be here tomorrow, what do I need to do now? Okay, I'm here today, I may not be here tomorrow, what do I need to do now? And so unless of how do we the ad is showing us, you know, and the point that we discuss now is trying to live within your means, and not expecting more. So first off, we go way back to when I was discussing, you know,

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looking for a spouse and how to choose a spouse what to look for when choosing a spouse. One of the things that we're supposed to look for in choosing a spouse is,

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especially for the brothers who are looking, you know, at the Hadith of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, when you're choosing a, you know, choosing a sister to marry as your wife. One of the things is beauty. Another is Dean, and then there's lineage and wealth. When we were talking about wealth, we were saying you don't want to marry someone who doesn't understand your financial

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capabilities, but also your financial capacity. Like what you're able to earn what you're able to bring home, and you want to try to live within those means. Now this is an important point. And I want to share something with you in sha Allah tada with regards to this point.

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Both the wife as well as the husband needs to try to live within their means.

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And I'm,

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I'm telling you from experience, this is my own personal experience is not a, you know, a fact that I pulled from another Research Center from others. This is my own experience, I found that nine out of 10 cases, or I can easily say about 90% of the people who come to me with marital problems and issues, it links back to financial struggles and difficulty. More specifically, it goes back to purchasing a home within Canada. Okay, so in Canada, we know that it's very difficult to purchase a home for many people, right? Because the house shouldn't really say in Canada, but here in the GTA, right in the Toronto area. Why? Because the average house in Toronto right now is roughly close to

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$1.2 million. I remember when I was a child, I used to say, you know what, if I could ever own a million dollars, I'll be set for life. Nowadays, if you own a movie, if you earn and own a million dollars, you don't really set for life. All right, you probably might be able to buy a house in a small one, right small town house and your that's it right now you got to work to try and maintain that house. And that is the key point there as well.

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that a lot of the time we don't live within our means. And so

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point number nine is the wife should understand what the husband is able to provide. And not expect him to go above and beyond that, while at the same time the husband should not be someone who's lazy and just says, You know what, this is enough. I'm going to earn minimum wage, we're going to collect welfare and cost. That's enough. We're just going to live life No.

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Part of our Deen is earning more. And remember I said this a couple of weeks ago, but so how little Do you love I'm home, many of them especially when you look at those who were promised paradise. They were extremely, extremely wealthy and they helped the dean with their finances with their wealth, right what they earned and what they were able to bring forth to the profits on a long way. I think you ascend them to help financially for the entire oma will bucket on the lover and was able to free asleep every single Friday, every single Friday. What does that mean? That means that he had wealth that he could use not only on himself, and he

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His family, but for the rest of the community and the rest of society, and when he didn't have enough wealth for, you know, a week or two or a few weeks at a time to free a slave, and set them free to purchase a slave and set them free of robocall De La Hoya, I'm used to take tabs or keep tabs of those weeks that he missed. And he would then when he was able to financially free a slave for every week that he missed out on. And so shows us the wealth that some of this habit on the lower end home had. Now,

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that's an example that I'm using to show us, we should not get caught up in

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just earning for the sake of this dunya, we should try to set our limits in terms of how we're going to live. And if we earn extra wealth, then we can invest the extra wealth, and we can use that wealth in different ways to benefit society, benefit our family benefit ourselves, and so on and so forth. But the lifestyle that we have for ourselves should be one that is kind of set. So for example, if a family needs,

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let's just say, you know,

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I can give, I can give, you know, multiple different examples, but let's just take $50,000, right, a family needs $50,000, to sustain themselves, and to live comfortably. So now let's add a little bit more because they want to have some savings. So let's just say 70 $75,000 for the year, right? $75,000 is what they need, the husband can provide for his wife and his children look after them, they can, you know, they have some luxuries here and there, they have some savings, and so on and so forth, just as an example, right, because every single city and every single person is going through a completely different situation financially. So let's just say for example, $75,000, is what they

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need.

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If he starts to earn more 100,000 150 200,250 $300,000 per year,

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if the family says, You know what we're gonna stick to living within our means of 75,000. Or we might bump it up a little bit to 100,000, because they're earning 200 250,000. But that should be something that they're able to sustain.

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The problem with most people in our community or in our, in our society, in general here within the GTA, within Canada, and across the globe as well, is that we try to live according to the standard of everyone else. And so the husband will like literally go wild working, trying to purchase a house and own a house and have a nice car and drive, you know, or go on vacation, right and drive a nice car and do fancy things, and so on and so forth. But technically, when you think of it, they can't really afford that. So they're living off interest or living off monthly payments, they're able to do it because of the, you know, payment plans and packages that are there.

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Now, my brothers and sisters,

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it's not a necessity for every single one of us to own a house. It is not a necessity for every single one of us to drive a luxury car, or Mercedes or BMW or anything even better.

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It's a luxury. So if you need to go from point A to point B if a Toyota Corolla does it for you, and Hamdulillah, right, if a K cart from 1989 does it for you, as well. Right? For those of you that know what a K car is, I think they actually might have been discontinued in 91, or something like that. But anyways, I'm a car guy. So that's what I like, right?

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You know, if if something is is is good for you, and you can afford it, and if you can't afford it, try to stay away from it until you can afford it. Why do I say this? Because when push comes to shove, when things get hard, like this year was really hard on many people, you see that the financial difficulty that a family goes through is like number one on the stress level. And it's just constant pressure on the mind, constant pressure on on life constant pressure on the relationship between husband and wife. Right. And yeah, you know, I was trying to think of ideas and I noticed, you know, this just popped up in the in the comments and lifestyle also include

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socializing, having dinner parties, or events, having certain clothing or clothes that you wear, since you'll be seen at these events and etc, etc. It's like a domino effect. So you know, people go out to parties, like oh, I need a new dress, do you really need a new dress, and I give this example during the Ramadan nearing the time of the fifth or

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the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he would wear the best of his clothing on the day of eat.

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But all of us go out and we say we need to buy new clothing, know where the best of your clothing go to your closet and choose the best that you have there and wear that Fareed? Why do you need to go and spend more money and then add something that you only wore once and you're probably only going to wear once or you wear it once a week.

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Five years because you don't want to wear it for next to eat and then eat after and eat after that, you know, you're gonna be like, the talk of the town, everyone's gonna say, Oh, they only have this same dress miskeen Myskina and all that's all they're wearing, no, we're the best of what you have. And who cares what people say, but don't go out and buy something new because of what the people are gonna say, you know, don't drive something, because of what the people are gonna say, don't live in something because of what the people are gonna say, if living in a basement is sufficient for you, and Hamdulillah, if you have health issues, and living in the basement is not for you then live

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within what you're able to do, or to afford. And that's it. If you can't afford a house, then you don't need to afford a house. And I say this to people all the time. Brothers and sisters come into my office, they have marriage problems and issues. And we go through a number of things. And eventually what I usually put my finger on afterwards is the problem started from where I started from when finances became really difficult. So that family needed a house. No, they didn't need a house, they wanted a house, a family wanted a house, they didn't need it. The wife says you know we should get more space we should have Okay, that's fine. If the husband can afford it great. If he

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can't afford it, he should tell her Listen, I know it would be great. But we can't afford that right now. Maybe if we move to another city where it's more for more affordable than we could afford it. If not, then if we're going to remain living here, this is what we need to do. And so he lays out what is needed to be done. The way says that hamdulillah You're giving me a home, you're giving me safety, you're giving me food, you're giving me clothing, you're giving us transportation, you're providing all of this for us and Hamdulillah, that's good enough for us, we're satisfied. But the problem is, like I said, a family wants a house.

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And they can't afford that house. But the husband says hey, you know what if we do this, and we do that, and we tried to plan things out, then we should be able to afford the house.

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But the first hiccup, the first financial hiccup, or the first financial crunch, or difficult time that they come across, they're no longer able to make their payments. So the husband says, Okay, I'm going to work a second job, or I'm going to do a part time thing. Now what happens is the husband is never home. And when he when he is home, he's exhausted, he's hungry. And you know, that's pretty much it, right? You know, he's exhausted, he wants to eat, sleep, get up and go to work again.

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Then the wife says, Hey, listen, you're getting burnt out? Why don't I get a part time job or go and work full time, we'll be able to pay or forward for our children to go to a daycare, and we'll still have some extra money. That way, you won't have to work two jobs, the wife will work the husband will work. The children will go to daycare and have the leather be able to afford their house. Now what do you see happening in this picture? You see the husband and wife working all day. You see the children never with their parents, right? And their goal is to earn the wealth to pay for the house. That's it.

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Or the wealth to pay for the house? If you're Let me ask a question at this point in time, if you're renting an apartment, a condo or house, can't you find happiness there as well? Can you still eat dinner? Can you still have a bedroom to sleep in? Can you still have a shower when you need one? Right? Can you still have a closet to put your clothes in? Right? Can you still do these things? Yes, absolutely. The person says no, but I want the house, okay. You want the house great. If you can afford it have the law. But if you can't afford it yet, then you shouldn't be buying it. Now go back to the example. The husband is working full time the wife is working full time the children are

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full time in daycare or school etc.

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Now, there's extra expenses as well. There's transportation, there's like hiccups that happened. You didn't pick up the children I got late from work this went on, you know, they need food we get left to pay for this expense. They need computers now and so on and so forth. How are you going to pay for that?

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Then what happens is the children reach an age where they're coming home. Mom and Dad are never there. They're always working. Right? kids are getting older, they need more money, child tax benefits are no longer coming in, right. And so so kind of what we see happening is that people get into a really, really difficult time financially. The children are never home. The children are not learning from their parents, they're learning from others. And they start to do whatever they want. There's no parental supervision that's not happening within the house. And eventually

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things start to cave. Right?

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The husband's stressed out and burnt out. He's like I never seen my wife. She's always at work. The wife says, I never see my husband. He's always at work. When we see each other we just argue we never talk. Right? He never cooks. He says she never cleans

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all these different things start coming up. The children are like mom, dad, we don't really hear what you have to say you're never here anyways. You never look after us like you're not really our parents right teacher at school is more apparent than that.

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Then someone else that are then our own parents. And then so they start to live their own life. And this goes right back to this point, try to live within your means. Okay? Every single person in the family is affected. And then it just comes crumbling down. And I could give you example, upon example, upon example, lots of examples. But I'm worried that people in the community might think that, hey, this, he's talking about me. But I wouldn't be talking about you, I just giving an example. But people say no, he's talking about me this, this really my life.

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I'm not talking about anyone in particular, like I said, 90% of the cases of people who come in with marriage problems, that is the issue that they're having.

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So we move on, the next point that we'll take in shot love to add that is the husband's rights include

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that his spouse, or that the woman,

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not keep herself from him whenever he desires her.

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And what is meant here was also discussed when we spoke about the rights of the wife upon the husband.

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Right? So here, we're looking at his right, to be intimate with her. And again, you know, if if she's going to refuse to be intimate with him. Now, it has to be a mutual thing, right, we talked about we spoke about this last week as well, has to be a mutual agreement. So don't come home, a husband shouldn't come home and say, it's my right. Yeah. Who on earth wants to be intimate with, you know, someone who's a wild animal at that point in time, like someone who's just like, it's my right? What are you talking about, if you're a lot, like, who wants to be intimate with that person, you're going to need to be soft, you're going to need to be kind, you're going to need to be gentle,

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you're going to be need to be comforting, and you know, kind and so on and so forth. And have a lot

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when you show that affection to others, to your spouse, I should say, and that affection is given back to you. We touched upon the example of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam without a shadow, the longer and, you know, he shows some kindness to her, she shows him some kindness in return. And really, that's what it comes to. So yes, it is the right of the husband. But the husband needs to understand if she's really busy with something or if the time isn't right then planet, right? planet, we live in a very busy world. Very, very busy. And if a husband is going to be rude to his spouse all the time, and then demand some intimacy whenever he wants it. I'm sorry, but no

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one wants to be intimate with someone who is disrespectful. Right? So you have to earn that position. And so here when we look at it being the right of the husband, if the husband is trying to earn it, and doing what is needed in order to, you know, show some love and affection and care, and you know, he's trying to build up to that, and the wife is refusing that's where it's a problem. Like, now you're taking away the rights of the husband, right?

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A wife would say, but is it my right as well? Yeah, we spoke about that already. Right? We spoke about that. So if you're attending for the first time, go back and watch two weeks ago, and you'll probably find that there. Right? So yes, it is important to have intimacy within the relationship. And again, I say this, when people come in, couples come in, and they have issues in their marriage, if there's no intimacy, and they're reserving their intimacy, and not giving it as in not sharing their, their private time with their husband or their wife as in as spouses,

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then they start to grow distinct from each other. Okay, intimacy within a marriage is really, really important. Now, if you look at the nature of the makeup of a husband, or men, I should say, you know, he goes out in society he's working, you know, he's out, you know, throughout the day, if he's married to someone who is staying at home, looking after the children, and basically working full time there, right at home, taking care of things.

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At the end of the day, if the two of them are not going to have some private time, I was talking, like I said earlier today with with my cousin, and somehow the law, he, when I called him it was six o'clock pm in the UK. And he's like, oh, man, you just missed the kids are already in bed and like what you put your kids to bed at six o'clock, that's amazing that you have so much time on your hands. Like as a couple you have so much time to like, you know, talk and discuss and just spend some time with each other. That's awesome.

00:29:48--> 00:30:00

But a lot of us don't do that. In fact, most of us, the majority of us don't do that. We don't have that time that we spend alone as husband and wife. This goes back to the Prophet the Prophet Solomon.

00:30:00--> 00:30:20

Adding us and them, you know, specifying those times, where or in fact, the loss of handling data specifies it, the times where a husband and wife should not be disturbed by anyone, or they should be, you know, if anyone needs to speak to them or anything they should ask. Right? They should.

00:30:22--> 00:30:26

What's that word that I'm looking for? And then I basically

00:30:30--> 00:30:51

request their attention. Right. So children know, okay, during this time, you know, early in the morning, late at night, during the time of Lula, don't bother my mom and dad, that's their private time, let them have the time together. It's not that old private time is private time is always intimate time. No, yes, seek their permission, just like them. Okay, the minute you know, seek their permission.

00:30:53--> 00:31:26

Sometimes just go blank on the dumbest words, right. And so it's absolutely important. You know, when husband and wife never spend time together, and I can give you examples again, husband and wife come home, at the end of the day, both of them like doing their own thing I got to catch up with work every single day is catch up with work until midnight, and you don't do anything together, you don't even talk together. You don't, you know, sit together to share anything together, you're not sharing anything together, then it doesn't really feel like a marriage. Right? That's absolutely important. Okay. The next point is,

00:31:27--> 00:31:56

it is a husband's right, that the wife keep his affairs and the affairs of his household private, and avoid spreading them. So what happens within the home stays within the home? Okay, what happens within the home stays within the home, except in the case disclaimer, except in the case that there's a need to go and seek some help. So for example, one of the spouses physically abuses the other,

00:31:57--> 00:31:58

like, to a point, like,

00:31:59--> 00:32:00

dangerous,

00:32:01--> 00:32:09

but doesn't do anything about it says, Oh, no, in my Deen and my religion, and my faith, I'm not supposed to tell anyone that my husband or my wife, you know, beat me.

00:32:11--> 00:32:32

What, you have to get help. Right, you need to get help. So you go to someone who can help you, you don't go to someone who's just going to spread rumors, you tell a friend who tells a friend who tells a friend and next thing, you know, everyone's chatting about you behind your back. And then something happens your husband or your wife finds out and then her loss and huge problem, right? So

00:32:34--> 00:32:41

it's the right to the husband that the wife keep the affairs of the home, and whatever's happening within the home part of them.

00:32:42--> 00:32:45

For example, he loses his job and he doesn't want people to know.

00:32:46--> 00:32:47

Okay,

00:32:48--> 00:33:26

respect that. If he says, Don't worry financially, we're okay have enough to sustain ourselves for six months. And you know, there's unemployment insurance, and so on and so forth. Right. But the husband should also not feel shy to seek help. Okay, there are many husbands out there, I won't say some, there are many husbands out there, their wife will call me up and be like, you know, this is the issue. And I want to get help for him. I want him to get some help for himself. But he won't let me or he doesn't want to what should I do? Right. And this is where that's the call they're making, right? They make a call to seek some help or seek some advice on how to get some help. That's

00:33:26--> 00:33:32

important. So husbands that are out there, if you need some help you need some assistance, get the help that you need. Okay.

00:33:33--> 00:34:01

But the wife should try to keep what happens within the home. Generally, we're talking with generally not any major issues right? within the home. So you don't go and you meet with friends and be like, Oh, you know, this is what happened. And we bought this No, no, no, that's private, right? People don't need to know what you bought. People don't need to know what you got. People don't need to know what you're spending on. People don't need to know where you're going, people. People don't need to know all of these things are private things or private things.

00:34:02--> 00:34:11

And what's even worse, as we learned last week, or the week before, in the example of the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam about

00:34:15--> 00:34:16

which one of the wires was it?

00:34:19--> 00:34:27

Is it saying that, you know, the majority of women will do this? Right? The majority of people will go and will gossip and share what happens within their home.

00:34:29--> 00:34:30

That shouldn't be the case.

00:34:31--> 00:34:54

Talk about the dean talk about a loss of data in your get togethers. Right? Talk about improving yourselves. Don't talk about Oh, she said he said and and all of these things. And oh, you know, I did this and we went there and we have this. It's good to share some things but sometimes sharing too much is no good. Then you run into issues of jealousy run into issues of alien or another, as many of you might call it and so on and so forth.

00:34:57--> 00:35:00

Yes, that's true. Most men will never want

00:35:00--> 00:35:19

To show that they need help. How do you get past that? It really seems to be hard for them at a deep level. Yeah. How do you get that help? Well, it usually comes from someone that they respect. Or it might come from someone who doesn't know them. Sometimes you need to get help from people who don't know you, right? Because you feel safer that way.

00:35:20--> 00:35:56

You know, sometimes people will, will come, sometimes a wife will come or called me and say, Hey, you know what, I have this issue. But my husband doesn't want to see anybody who doesn't want to Okay, so I'll say, Okay, try this, try that, try this, right, or, here's a phone number to someone who you don't know, and they don't know you, and you can talk to them about it. Okay? Sometimes a husband will come and say, you know, we have these issues. But my wife is shy, and so on and so forth. She doesn't want to talk about this doesn't want to talk about that. Well, this is where you need to basically go to someone you feel confident with, who's going to, you know, open up or allow

00:35:56--> 00:36:06

you to open up and speak freely within that level of confidentiality that exists in this world, which is very minimal right now anyways, but let's not get into that.

00:36:07--> 00:36:16

Because the way the world is parallel with technology nowadays is that so much gets spread. So much gets spread. Anyways, we move on to the next point. Next point is

00:36:18--> 00:36:20

that it's the right of the husband over his wife,

00:36:21--> 00:36:52

that she covered him and try to remain with him not asking for divorce without any due reason. And we're looking at an example of the profits in the long run. I didn't listen to them said, for any woman who asks her husband for divorce without anything wrong being done, the scent of Paradise will be forbidden for her. In another Hadith, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam also said, those women who seek to pay for a divorce, from their husbands are hypocrites as in

00:36:53--> 00:37:23

when he's done nothing. So when a woman is asking for divorce, because her husband has done nothing wrong to deserve that, then really what it what it seems to me, or what it usually ends up or tends to be is that she's ungrateful. She's ungrateful, she sees what other people are doing or what other people are getting. And they are not being grateful for what they have. And so we see these two examples of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam

00:37:25--> 00:38:07

about this point that we're talking about, that a wife should not ask her husband for divorce, if there's no valid reason for it. Sometimes, you know, a person will say, but I lost love in that person. That's fine. It's dynamically, that's okay. It's not likely you can seek divorce for that, right? In fact, you can ask for divorce, whenever technically, but the profits in the long run and he was someone puts in encouragement out there. Don't just go and seek for a divorce just because, okay, just because. And like I said, at the beginning, the grass is not always greener on the other side. In fact, it probably isn't greener on the other side, right? And I see my wife typing in there

00:38:07--> 00:38:50

saying, what about movies, and but he, you know, she divorced him because she didn't love it. That's what I said, I just finished saying, you know, if you if love is lost, and it's just not there, then that's permissible to seek divorce. Right? It's permissible. But that's a major thing. Love is lost. And love is a huge part of the marriage. Right? So if love is lost, that's a different case. But for no reason to go and ask for a divorce and say, I want a divorce and not give a reason. Why. Why do you need this divorce? Is the husband providing for you? Yes. Does he? You know, give love and care and affection? Yes. Is he a good father? Yes. Is he a good husband? Yes. Does he work hard? Yes.

00:38:50--> 00:38:55

Does he you know, you have all the things that you need in your marriage? Yes. I don't want to divorce. Why?

00:38:58--> 00:38:59

Why What's the problem?

00:39:00--> 00:39:03

Like come with a with a valid reason.

00:39:04--> 00:39:12

And of course, once again, if someone needs help, then you have to seek help. If someone needs help, you have to seek help. That's important.

00:39:14--> 00:39:40

Yes, someone's asking permissible, but is it recommended? So obviously, when something is permissible, that doesn't necessarily mean that it's recommended? Right? And this is a case of where something may not be recommended. It's not recommended to seek a divorce when there's no valid reason. Is it permissible for you to request it? Yes. But remember the profits on a longer I didn't even send them is showing us here that you know what you're asking for divorce and you're not giving any reason? What

00:39:41--> 00:39:43

Why are you asking for?

00:39:44--> 00:39:57

And that's, you know, shows us in the example of berita and leaf the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam went and asked, he asked her about the ohana. Why is it that you want this divorce? And what did she say?

00:39:58--> 00:40:00

Are you are you for

00:40:00--> 00:40:05

See me? Are you telling me to stay married? He says no, I'm just asking. And she says, I've lost love for him.

00:40:07--> 00:40:15

And then he said, so your your, your annulment is granted, right? Your enrollment is granted. And so

00:40:16--> 00:40:24

bring valid reasons, right? Bring a valid reason, because without a valid reason, like the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, and,

00:40:26--> 00:40:48

you know, those who seek this type of divorce, are hypocrites. Why? Because you're not saying why it must be something else must be some reason. And the last for Howard's, Allah, you know, we asked him to help us all, because everyone goes through hardships. And sometimes it's very difficult for people to talk about what they're going through. I get I get cases that come to me. And you know,

00:40:50--> 00:41:13

and sometimes it's brothers don't don't think in your minds, that it's always sisters that are going through hardships that are being abused. Don't think in your mind that it's always sisters? Yes, we could say Traditionally, the majority of the time would be sisters, because that's what we always thought, however,

00:41:14--> 00:41:15

times are changing.

00:41:16--> 00:41:31

Women are a lot more empowered nowadays, and have a lot more, you know, power and abilities and strengths that are that are being granted to them by society, which Islam, you know, has always said, you know, what, if a woman wants to work and earn and do certain things, that's fine.

00:41:33--> 00:41:34

But

00:41:35--> 00:41:40

nowadays, what we're seeing is, a lot of men feel trapped in their marriages.

00:41:42--> 00:41:44

And especially here in North America,

00:41:45--> 00:42:18

more specifically in Canada, and they feel trapped in their marriages, first of all, because they don't feel like they're being treated. Right. Okay. And of course, we have to analyze the whole thing, we can't just say, Oh, this person is saying that. So what else this is the this is, you know, the case on the ground? No, we have to analyze it. And that's why we never come to conclusions by listening to one site, right, that was the mistake of Prophet devil that Allah has sent. And he listened to only one side, and he came to a conclusion, never just listened to one side, I always hear both sides of the story separately, and then together.

00:42:20--> 00:42:20

So

00:42:22--> 00:42:45

you know, the husband feels trapped. Husband also feels, now if I get divorced, then I lose all of my wealth that I worked hard for. Because you know, the laws of the land and the certain, you know, things that that are, they're legally put in place. But also, I need to pay out child support, I need to pay out. And they're usually fine with child support, like I have to pay up

00:42:47--> 00:43:18

spell court, and I'm going to be working for X amount of years paying X amount of dollars and doing all of this and, you know, they just feel like, not happy in the marriage, but it's better to just stay in the marriage because, but then it isn't better to stay in the marriage because you're not happy. And it's like a vicious circle that you get stuck in, or a vicious cycle that you're stuck in. And this is where my brothers and sisters, when we need help, we should seek that help before things get worse. Okay, seek the help before things get worse.

00:43:21--> 00:43:22

And to conclude.

00:43:26--> 00:43:28

And I usually don't like

00:43:29--> 00:43:34

you know, sharing other people's advice to other people, because different time different place and so on and so forth.

00:43:36--> 00:43:38

But I want to read something out to you.

00:43:41--> 00:43:42

Or

00:43:44--> 00:43:53

even harder, okay, I'm going to be the king of Kingdom proposed. Yes. Didn't our oath, a shibani.

00:43:54--> 00:43:56

On the wedding night to her mother,

00:43:57--> 00:44:01

Mama dental habits, gave her advice

00:44:03--> 00:44:11

that lays out the foundation for a blissful marriage, or that laid out the foundation for blissful marriage.

00:44:13--> 00:44:34

And what is obligatory upon her with respect to her husband, you may have heard this before. It's very famous, very famous list of 10 things. And she says to her daughter, and I'll just read it out to you. Take what you want, leave what you want. What I always say is take the good leave the bad, can you take the good leave the bad.

00:44:35--> 00:44:38

She says to her daughter, my dear daughter

00:44:40--> 00:44:42

who is marrying a king by the way.

00:44:43--> 00:44:46

If advice were left for the virtue of etiquette,

00:44:47--> 00:44:49

I would leave this for you.

00:44:50--> 00:44:55

However, this is a reminder for the negligent and support for the intelligent one.

00:44:57--> 00:44:59

If there ever were a woman

00:45:00--> 00:45:31

Who was not in need of a spouse? Due to the wealth of her parents, and their strong need for her. I was indeed the most not in need of it, as in she was wealthy and did not need to be looked after did not need to be, you know, provided for by a spouse and so on. Okay, so she's saying, I'm giving you this advice, and I'm telling you that I was in a position but I still went and got married, right? And then she had her and she's giving her daughter this advice, okay.

00:45:33--> 00:45:36

But women were created for men and men were created for what?

00:45:37--> 00:46:13

And that's her first thing that she mentioned before even getting into the 10 points. So she says women were created for men and men were created for women. And we see this in the creation of Adam and how well a loss of handwork Allah created us there. And then they had children, twins, each time it was twins, boy and girl boy and girl, boy and girl, right? And the boy of the first one to marry the girl, the second one and the boy, the second one, marry the girl of the first one, right? So they that's how, you know, human beings started to spread on Earth. So she says, But women were created for men and men were created for women, right? They comfort each other. Allah subhanho wa

00:46:13--> 00:46:20

Taala says that there's MOA and Rama that is between the husband and the wife, the spouse when they get married, and they spend their time together, MOA.

00:46:22--> 00:46:28

Right, that mercy that we all look for, and that love and compassion that we all, you know, crave to have in our lives.

00:46:30--> 00:47:08

She says, My dear daughter, you are leaving the environment that you came from, and the life that you grew up in to an unfamiliar setting, and a companion you have not bonded with. So you don't really know this person fully and firmly enough, yet, right? You're going from your home where you're sick with your parents who would do whatever is that you need, at any time of the day or night, they would sacrifice their health, they would sacrifice their wealth, they would sacrifice their time they would sacrifice their sleep, they would sacrifice everything for you.

00:47:10--> 00:47:21

To a home, that you don't know how it's going to be you don't know how you're going to be treated, you don't know how you're going to be spoken to you don't know how you're going to be provided for you might have an idea, but you don't know because you haven't lived it yet.

00:47:23--> 00:47:39

She continues to say you have become by his authority over you have watched person and discernment. As in he will watch every move. And you will help in assist along the way in the things that are needed. Okay?

00:47:42--> 00:48:23

Be a servant to him, as in helping serve him right look after his needs, and so on and so forth. And he will soon be a servant, as well. To you. Right. So look after him. And he will look after you. Now she's saying this to her daughter. Usually people will say, you know, why do I have to serve him? Why doesn't he serve me? First he has to earn my right, he has to earn my respect, he has to earn my trust. And but you know, what if every single one of us says that none of us will ever work towards trying to help the other. So if a husband and wife always says I'm waiting for her to respect me, and she says, but I'm waiting for him to respect me. And I'm waiting for some empathy.

00:48:23--> 00:48:36

And I'm waiting for this and I'm waiting for that. Okay, well, if you never give it you will never get it. And that's like the definition of insanity. Right? We all know the definition of insanity, doing the same thing, expecting a different result.

00:48:37--> 00:48:41

So she says, you know, be a servant to him. And soon he will be a servant to you as well.

00:48:43--> 00:48:59

And here to 10 characteristics for him, and he will be a treasure for you. Look at what she says. The first and second. be submissive to him with satisfaction. And listen well to Him and obey.

00:49:00--> 00:49:01

As in

00:49:02--> 00:49:26

help him do what's needed around the home. Take care of him. You know, he's looking after his parts. You look after your part. Look after the home and remember, that's that's the responsibility of the wife, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam shows us, you look after the home, and let her have that responsibility of looking after the home. This is a mistake that a lot of husbands make. Right? They don't. They don't allow their wife to feel like she's responsible at home.

00:49:27--> 00:49:50

Right? Give her that responsibility. Let her roll with it. She makes mistakes. Well, that's her thing to worry about. As in you'll help her with it. But everyone makes mistakes. You can't say a husband goes to work and doesn't make mistakes at work. We all make mistakes, right? We all do things that we regret afterwards. And we change ourselves and we better ourselves and we, you know, do things differently and eventually I have the low we succeed and we move on.

00:49:52--> 00:49:53

third, and fourth.

00:49:54--> 00:49:59

Be aware of what he sees and smells never let him see

00:50:00--> 00:50:05

Looking ugly, and never let him smell anything but a good scent from you.

00:50:07--> 00:50:42

So have a lot this goes both ways, right? Because remember, the advice she's giving to her daughter is when you do this, he will do this in return for you. So if he notices that you always get up before him and brush your teeth, for example. And he will try to get up and brush his teeth before you even notice him as well. Right? And what happens is, and I say this to you know, brothers and sisters all the time when they come to me sometimes and talk about like premarital stuff, I tell them look on your marriage day, you're going to be head over heels. But when you wake up the next morning, you'd be like, oh, who did I wake up next to? Right? And it's not that like, you know,

00:50:42--> 00:51:18

we're freaked out. But it's just things are different in the morning, the puffy eyes, you're tired. And especially like, if you're going through changes and things in life that you never experienced before. It's even more, you know, difficult upon you. And then you get up and you're groggy, and you're tired, and you're like, Ah, forget about, you know, looking nice. Forget about this, like fudge of time. You know, you're slow at doing things in the morning. So that's normal. Right? That's normal. None of us wakes up and we're like, Prince Charming. You wake up in the morning, you're like, Oh, my God, he's aged like 40 years overnight. Right? So common law. So

00:51:20--> 00:51:54

you know, those, those are things that are gonna be there. And you know, things happen over time as well, right? It's not just marriage in the day after marriage is over time. Like Mashallah tomato Cola, if he cooks good food, she's putting on weight, right? And then he's like, but I cook for you all the time. And she's like, Yeah, but I'm eating your awesome food. I'm going crazy. It's amazing, but I'm putting on weight. So you need to stop this, right. And so like, and I changed, I changed the rules there. Right. And you know, somehow there's, there's that element of age as well, people are going to age, they're going to get older, they're not going to look the same, they're not going

00:51:54--> 00:52:01

to feel the same, they're not going to act the same. They might be youthful and joyful, and happy and joking and stuff like that when you first got married, and then all of a sudden,

00:52:03--> 00:52:13

it's just like, it isn't happening anymore, right? You know, there's no happiness, there's no joy, there's no fun. And that's what you got to try and bring it in, bring it in the few times that you get it, cherish it.

00:52:15--> 00:52:35

And then she can. So third and fourth was be aware of what he sees and smells, never let him see you looking ugly, and never let him smell anything but a good scent. And remember the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, when the Sahaba of the one man whom were returning from an expedition, they would stop and spend a night outside of Medina before returning.

00:52:36--> 00:53:15

They would spend the night outside of Medina just on the outskirts before returning to Medina and they would send the messenger back to let those families know that your spouse is coming home. So that gave them time to prepare themselves and you know, get ready and you know, look good. And it gave them the time as well as the men who were returning home, the ability to get rested, and return well and clean themselves up. And you know, put on perfume, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam would perfume himself for his family as well. Yes, he would put perfume on when he was leaving a shuttle viola, I would take the perfume, put it in her hand. And you know, at that time, it was a

00:53:15--> 00:53:51

perfume that was very thick, right? It was very, very, very thick. So they used to rub it in their hands to note it a little bit, right, because you rub it in your hands and it melts. And then she used to take her hands and rub it right onto the skin of the Prophet some longer and he was selling before he put on his coat. Right? So when you think of that, you're like, oh, man, that's awesome, as the wife would do that. Amazing, right? But you need to treat her nicely in order to get that from her first. So yes, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam used to get that sort of treatment, but he earned that treatment by treating her nice and right as well.

00:53:53--> 00:54:35

The fifth and sixth thing that she mentions to her daughter is be aware of his times for sleeping and eating. Being continually hungry, makes one burn. And lacking sleep makes one bad tempered. So if a person is not sleeping, right, then they're gonna get burnt out. Like for example, the wife's like, Oh, you know, but I don't sleep or the ice blade. So stay awake with me. And he's like, but I wake up early, and I got things to do, I gotta go, I gotta earn, I need you know, I need to work I need to better myself. I have to do all these things. And I'm and you'll notice that many brothers will be able to get up early in the morning, but they'll knock out right away. And you can ask the

00:54:35--> 00:54:44

whites that are on here. We can even do a survey to see, you know how many of the women on here say that my husband puts his head down and he falls asleep right away? Let's see.

00:54:45--> 00:55:00

It's usually the brothers who are suffering of depression that don't fall asleep right away. But the other brothers somehow they'll put their head on the pillow and God, right. How many sisters just type in? Yes, if that's true, right. That you're

00:55:00--> 00:55:14

Husband falls away much quicker than you do. Let's see. Or the men in your house your father falls asleep much quicker. Your you know, your brother falls asleep very quickly and easily. Let's see if that's something that's a trend.

00:55:16--> 00:55:16

Anyway.

00:55:19--> 00:55:21

My wife says we hate that about you, man.

00:55:24--> 00:55:29

Sorry, but it's reality. Right? Okay, so someone else is saying yes. Anyone else?

00:55:32--> 00:56:04

Okay, so Manal says my dad does so instantly and falls asleep instantly. Someone else's laughing so I'm assuming Yes, that's true. Sisters usually say but we stay awake thinking we can't fall asleep right away. You don't have you don't have that him that concern for the homeowner, we got the concern. We just need to sleep. And remember the profits a little longer. I think he was sending them he used to go home right after a shower. He wouldn't stay in, socialize in the masjid. Right, he would go home and he would fall asleep. You know, I see someone else saying he's jealous because I did that.

00:56:07--> 00:56:14

That way, wife has gone to lala land in five minutes. And it takes me hours. That's because you're thinking too much. My brother.

00:56:15--> 00:56:30

Wife sleeps right away. Oh, really? Wife sleeps right away and hamdulillah. That's, that's really interesting, right? Because usually, it's the other way around. For the most part, you find that a wife will say the husband falls asleep right away right now.

00:56:32--> 00:56:51

If the husband needs to sleep early, and let him sleep early, because he's going to wake early, and he's going to be grumpy if he doesn't follow all day, and then see that's a cycle that's that gets really annoying. However, the husband needs to understand as well, you've been gone all day, she wants to spend some time with you. It's not right, right. So

00:56:54--> 00:57:10

you just have to find, you need to find a balance. And I remember asking, in fact, I was in a bus. I was in a bus in South Africa, traveling out of Kruger National Park, back to Johannesburg.

00:57:13--> 00:57:13

And

00:57:15--> 00:57:53

I was with a few therapists, counselors, they were sitting together and I asked them this question. I said, you'll notice that in families, a lot of the time, one of the spouses falls asleep earlier, and the other one falls asleep later. And you know, there's always this disagreement, like, Oh, you know, he never spent time with me. And then that's what she would be saying. And then he says, Well, I want to spend time with her. But she wants to stay awake until like midnight, one o'clock, two o'clock, and I need to go to sleep because I got to get up the next day. And then, you know, the answer that I got from these therapists is the fact that he has to get up and go to work. So in the

00:57:53--> 00:58:00

case, in the case that the husband is the one who's going to work and the wife is, you know, going to stay home and look after the children.

00:58:01--> 00:58:19

They should try to find a balance, where no doubt, she has to get up and look after the children. And that's hard to she's going to be grumpy and annoyed throughout her whole day as well and frustrated that she's not rested. But to find that balance is important. So when a person, whoever it is whether it's the husband is falling asleep earlier, the wife

00:58:20--> 00:58:54

forced themselves to wake up early in the morning, because that's more according to the Fitbit. All right, getting up in the morning, and going to sleep early. Trying to develop that routine between them is important. This is what they told me, right, these counselors and therapists and so on. He said, Whoever it is, is going to sleep late should try to force themselves to wake up early in the morning. And then but I asked this question and said, Well, what if they can't wake up? And they said, No, they have to try to wake up. Because when you force yourself to wake up by nighttime, you'll be tired and exhausted, and you will slowly start to fall asleep earlier. And that way you

00:58:54--> 00:59:05

develop a routine that both husband and wife are in together that they're traveling through this same time zone and they're not like living in different time zones while living in the same house as well.

00:59:06--> 00:59:09

So that was five and six.

00:59:11--> 00:59:12

We didn't even talk about food.

00:59:14--> 00:59:18

Being continuously hungry or continually hungry makes one burn out.

00:59:22--> 00:59:59

We don't need to talk about food. I think we live in a time where some of us eat too much food. I think brothers need to chill a little bit with the food right we eat way more than one third of our stomach and honestly when it comes to food food is too much emphasis is put on food you know brothers come home from work in the lake where's my food? Yeah, we understand that you're hungry but everyone else in the family is hungry too. Right? So relax a little bit on the food and complaining all the time. Oh the food is not like this. The food isn't like that own Eurozone so brother bought this food over his wife cooks Mashallah, you know, I wish my wife can cook that way. And how

01:00:00--> 01:00:28

Do you know your wife cooks? Right? And how do they learn you have food at home? Because, Hey, remember when we learned about the marriage contract and the rights of the husband and the rights of life, it's not your right for her to cook for you. It's not a condition in the marriage that she has to cook your meals. And she could put in the marriage contract that she never wants to cook your meals ever. And that's something that would be permissible. So

01:00:29--> 01:00:39

stop complaining about food. Okay, I'm not going to talk anymore about food inshallah, tada, okay, seven and eight, seven, and eight, she says,

01:00:40--> 01:01:26

Be prudent, with respect to his wealth, and guard over his servants and dependence, and manage well, issues of money, and arrange well, issues of dependence. So now you're looking at wealth, and you're looking at people who live in the home, you're looking at wealth, and you're looking at people who live in the home. So look, after those that are in the home, respect the in laws, look after each other, you know, be respectful, don't backbite etc, etc, etc, while at the same time, take care of his wealth. Don't overspend. If he can't afford it, he can't afford it, right? If he's providing for you, and you're not getting the extras and hamdulillah he's providing for you, right? If he's able

01:01:26--> 01:01:46

to earn so much, and he spends and spends and spends on you, and 100 in love, don't complain, because a day might come when a law restricts that wealth. And then you say, Hey, wait a second, I got used to all the things that you have. So don't complain. And just be happy with whatever he's providing, right? Nine and 10 last points.

01:01:48--> 01:01:57

Do not disobey Him in any matter. And do not expose any of his secrets. If you go against his wishes,

01:01:58--> 01:02:08

you will have created malice in his heart against you. And if you spread his secrets, you will not be safe from his betrayal.

01:02:10--> 01:02:19

Finally, never have joy in his presence while he is depressed, or be gloomy, when he is happy. A lot.

01:02:21--> 01:02:22

Right?

01:02:23--> 01:03:08

Nine and 10 is don't disobey Him in any matter and do not expose any of his secrets. Right? So you know, if he says something, don't be rude, and in this, and sort of be rude and disrespectful, because you don't want that in return. You don't want him to turn around and say, Hey, you know what, when you tell me something, Well, too bad for you as well. And don't expose secrets because you don't want your Secrets Exposed either. And the last thing that she mentions is finally, never have joy in his presence when he is depressed, or be gloomy when he is happy. And somehow when you think of it, it's hard. But both as a husband and a wife, you need to work at this together. Like

01:03:08--> 01:03:28

when a wife is having a great time and she's enjoying herself don't do a movie. And I do that a lot. My wife will be like, yeah, that sounds like you right? I'm like, you know, down and depressing and annoyed and like all this is going on? And she's like, You're ruining a perfect day. Yeah, you're right. But right. And at the same time, you know,

01:03:31--> 01:04:15

uh, you know, when, when he's happy, you know, don't, don't be the same way be all down. When he said, for example, don't be all super happy and disregard his feelings. So basically, that's what it's coming down to is don't disregard each other's feelings. If one is feeling down, try to be understanding, right? empathy is really what is mentioned here in this last point, if someone's feeling good, acknowledge that someone's feeling bad, acknowledge that as well. And it's much harder for them to do this than it is for women from experience a loss of control what Allah knows best. That is, again, the advice that she gives to her daughter, many, many years ago, hundreds of years

01:04:15--> 01:04:26

ago. And that's where we conclude the rights of the spouses over each other. And next week, we will start with marital disputes student,

01:04:27--> 01:04:35

which most of them we probably already covered, because I've been giving you example, on example, upon example, over and over and over for every single thing that we've gone through.

01:04:36--> 01:04:54

But how do we resolve some of these disputes and some of the examples that we can look at in sha Allah Tada. So that's the end of it for today in sha Allah. We'll open it up for some questions. If anyone has any questions. Some of you have been typing away, and I'm going to try to find

01:04:57--> 01:04:58

some sort of

01:05:02--> 01:05:05

Starting point to get to some of these questions.

01:05:06--> 01:05:13

Someone said, Let me see my wife says she agrees to someone, I just want to check and see what she's agreeing to. Because if I disagree, then we'll have an argument later. Just joking.

01:05:15--> 01:05:22

That's what I thought I see more men shifts. So I don't know why it's weird for our men to cook. Hmm.

01:05:26--> 01:05:30

I think it's because men only get only cook when they get paid for it.

01:05:32--> 01:05:41

No, I think a lot of it has to do with money. I'm not gonna comment on that. I'm just gonna move this over here so that I'm able to see it a little bit better and show mocking.

01:05:43--> 01:05:55

Yeah, they like to cook for other people as a chef, not for family. That's true. A lot of brothers like to cook just to take a picture and show it to their friends. And I don't do that. I'm

01:05:57--> 01:06:00

trying to try to make sure my wife isn't complaining here.

01:06:01--> 01:06:09

They like to impress people. Yes, absolutely. Okay. Jamie Oliver. Apparently his main cooking is on. Okay.

01:06:11--> 01:06:14

Any questions? So you guys just going on and chatting?

01:06:15--> 01:06:19

Why don't you want to comment on that on being paid?

01:06:23--> 01:06:23

I think

01:06:28--> 01:06:40

I think if someone's a good chef, and they're getting paid, whether man or woman on the law, that's their job. It's just like someone who's a teacher and good at it, and they're getting paid for it. So why should I criticize that?

01:06:41--> 01:06:44

You know, that's their job. humble enough?

01:06:46--> 01:06:47

Look,

01:06:49--> 01:07:02

I know that a lot of sisters or a lot of wives will say, Well, my husband doesn't cook anything. Maybe he's good at other things. Right? Maybe he is good at taking care of the house. Maybe he's good at educating the children. Maybe he's good at,

01:07:03--> 01:07:10

you know, cleaning, maybe maybe he's just not interested in cooking. And so

01:07:12--> 01:07:19

the same way, he's not interested in something, we should respect that because you might not be interested in something as well. And

01:07:22--> 01:07:29

you don't want to do it. And he's probably thinking to himself, maybe I should be complaining about that too. But she's not interested in doing it. So let's just leave it at that.

01:07:31--> 01:07:31

I don't know.

01:07:32--> 01:07:35

Should marriage be conducted based on love only?

01:07:36--> 01:07:58

Well, love is a huge part of the marriage. Right? There's no love in a marriage, then a marriage usually falls apart. So if the love is there, and love, have a loss of power and desire to do what's right, according to a loss of Hannah Montana is there then that's usually a marriage that shot alone to Allah will be

01:08:00--> 01:08:00

good,

01:08:01--> 01:08:08

harmonious, joyful, shalom tag, okay. So to say love only

01:08:10--> 01:08:24

know, you know, the love of the deen and remember the prophets on longer and he will send them prioritized the deed loving the deen and your connection to a loss paradigm? And that's fine. I mean, you meant that.

01:08:27--> 01:08:39

Is there any matrimonial services offered in our pleasant mustard? No, there are no marriage services offered. Why? Because in order to conduct a marriage in Ontario,

01:08:41--> 01:08:49

you need to have a marriage license. And our mustard doesn't have the license to conduct it yet.

01:08:50--> 01:08:59

But there's been discussion on having that paperwork done and submitted and so on. So hopefully, sometime in the future, we will have that opportunity.

01:09:01--> 01:09:04

What about respect first? What do you mean? What about respect first?

01:09:06--> 01:09:14

What are future topics to be covered inshallah. Tada. So next week, like I said, marriage disputes, arguments, how to deal with them, and how to navigate through them.

01:09:15--> 01:09:19

And see if there's any questions here. Quite a few questions that have come up here, I think.

01:09:21--> 01:09:22

ttt

01:09:31--> 01:09:33

Yes. So

01:09:34--> 01:09:38

yeah, there are things that were mentioned about husbands being abused and so on.

01:09:51--> 01:09:57

30 years before sunrise were also taught management sessions gay men do cook, maybe family training.

01:10:00--> 01:10:07

Can you explain the part of Sling TV star that talks about hitting the life I've heard many misinterpretations of it.

01:10:08--> 01:10:12

I think we spoke about that from not mistaken in a previous session.

01:10:14--> 01:10:28

My husband likes cooking and hunting in LA. Yes, I do the cleaning person to person I was cleaned washrooms kitchens, brother only like vacuuming and can only use micro and been for years. Okay.

01:10:29--> 01:11:05

Her to have either the profits on a loan, it was some of them where he says that if he could allow it would isolate dividends as when Is that true? And if so, why? Okay, we're going to talk about this stuff. So remember, some of the questions you have are things that we're going to get to in the chapter. So I don't want to talk about things we're going to get to, if we're not there yet. Okay. Reason why is I don't want to talk about it now. And then we talk about it again, later on. So some of these questions, the questions that I say we've either spoken about, then go back into those videos, and we're going to keep repeating myself, and questions that are to come, you know, or the

01:11:05--> 01:11:08

topics that are, we'll talk about those in childhood. And

01:11:10--> 01:11:11

any other questions.

01:11:18--> 01:11:32

Marriage matching, I personally don't get into marriage matching, because when the marriage matching happens, and there's a match, and the marriage takes place, and then the match starts to burn.

01:11:33--> 01:12:05

I don't like taking the blame for that. Sometimes you introduce two people to each other, and then somehow they get married. And then when it starts to fall apart, they're like, it's your fault, you introduce us and like, I didn't make a decision for the two of you to choose each other, you chose each other, you agreed to make it work, and you refuse to try to make it work now, or you failed at making it work. So it's not my, you know, responsibility, but a lot of people just turn around and find someone to blame. They want to blame someone. And so panela I usually don't like to get into matching people in marriage. I think there's a lot of people out there that can do that. I have a

01:12:05--> 01:12:18

lot of other things on my shoulders. But what comes first in a marriage relationship, is it respect first or trust? It's a loaded question. And it's very difficult to answer. You can't just say one comes first before the other.

01:12:20--> 01:12:31

Trust is gained over time, respect is earned over time. And you need to go through hardships in your marriage in order to gain more trust.

01:12:33--> 01:12:35

And you need to

01:12:36--> 01:13:06

prove yourselves and show who you really are to your spouse, and that will earn you more respect. So it's very hard to say what comes first. I think they, they're together that you need to work at everything together. If you start to focus on I need to focus on respect, I need to focus on trust. No, they, they, they're synonymous, I think they go together in that relationship. And so you need to try and work with these things together. And Siobhan

01:13:08--> 01:13:13

I'm not too sure why but the fan on my computer is going wild.

01:13:17--> 01:13:30

You said wife should not disobey to her husband, in which context marriage should not be based on communication. First question mark. I don't really understand that question.

01:13:31--> 01:13:47

wife should not disobey to her husband in wiscon. Generally, so generally, right? You don't want to be disobeyed so you don't disobey someone else. What we mean by that is obeying within the rights of a law some kind of way to have

01:13:48--> 01:13:52

we learned I think it was last week that

01:13:53--> 01:14:06

you're allowed to obey your parents, for example, you're allowed to obey your spouse in what Allah has made permissible for you. You're not allowed to obey in what

01:14:07--> 01:14:42

in what goes against what Allah subhana wa, tada wants. So for example, if a husband says I, you know, you're such a beautiful woman, I want you to take your hijab off when you go out. And I want I want everyone to know that I'm married to such a beautiful woman. I'm sorry, I can't do that. Because you're asking me to disobey Allah Subhana Allah to add, and so I'm going to disobey you. Right? So you obey each other. And parents, for example, in what a loss of handling to add of permits, and you disobey respectfully. In one a loss of Hannah Montana has forbidding unless palitana knows best.

01:14:46--> 01:14:48

Oh, man, my email address has been given out.

01:14:51--> 01:14:59

happy weekend alive advocate Zach. Hello, Hayden. This was penalty Hannibal Barca in your life and your health and your wealth.

01:15:00--> 01:15:03

Your family and close friends to keep you happy always.

01:15:11--> 01:15:15

Should marriage be based on communication? First? I'm not really sure I understand that part.

01:15:17--> 01:15:43

No, my wife does not offer advice. Uh, one thing I really don't like, is when people want to ask me a question and asked my wife to ask me, I don't like that. Third Party questions are annoying. Why are they annoying? Because if you have a question that you want to ask me, and you have something private that you need to ask, ask me, because I'm not going to bring it home, you know, and be like, all sorts of persons.

01:15:45--> 01:16:26

No, I don't need that. Right. When I come home from work, I want to come home from work. And I usually don't leave work, like I'm in my, at my desk in my bedroom right now. No one here, the lighting, the kids are in bed. Hopefully, they're in bed. But you know, to try and keep that level of professionalism and that level of respect as well. And so I like to have respect for your private life. And I like for you to respect my private life. So when people start asking messaging my wife, and asking her to ask me, then I have to answer to her and she has to answer to you. And then things get misunderstood. And then they're like, what about this? And what about that? And then she says,

01:16:26--> 01:16:33

What about this? What about that? And then at times, I get frustrated with my wife, I'm like, Look, I answered the question. That's the end of it.

01:16:35--> 01:17:12

And sometimes, this is the way I'll deal with people. Because sometimes you need to be very straightforward with people and give them an answer, because they're always gonna say, but what about this, but what but but yeah, that's my last name. And that's the end of it. There's no buts. The you're looking for an answer. You got the answer? roll with it. Right. Go with it. And some kind of less sometimes I know how to handle the people that I deal with. And I try my best to make mistakes at times. No doubt, we all make mistakes, but going through a third person, just because Oh, you know what, we're gonna No, don't do that. If you see someone who you respect to, as you

01:17:12--> 01:17:17

know, the ability to help you handle that go to that person, or going to someone else to get to that person

01:17:22--> 01:17:23

to help us.

01:17:30--> 01:17:46

Okay, I don't see any new questions. So I'm assuming that that's it. Sharla. Does aka model hired on or barakallahu li calm? I will see all of you. Next Sunday for essential thick. Also remember Friday nights, we do have our

01:17:48--> 01:18:00

family Hanukkah on etiquettes. Right? And it gets in Islam. And we're concluding the chapter on the etiquettes of senem. Right giving seminars, things that I'm wanting to learn over canceled.

01:18:03--> 01:18:09

So that's usually there. So Kenzie, what question are you talking about? Right now you're saying? Well, can you answer the question about

01:18:11--> 01:18:12

this question?

01:18:20--> 01:18:26

Do you have any videos on making a fasting in Russia? I've answered your question. in the chat.

01:18:27--> 01:18:43

You asked me privately so I believe that question was answered. If not I'll go and check it out. Like I said, I don't check my Instagram messages all the time. Because I have lots of messages and emails and calls from everywhere. I can't check everything all at once.

01:18:45--> 01:18:52

I believe I've answered that question. last panel Danny knows best. I'll see you all soon inshallah. That's all the time we have and I want to take up any more of your time.

01:18:54--> 01:18:56

Just like more famous said Mr. Economy.