Common Marriage Problems & Solutions

Bilal Dannoun

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Channel: Bilal Dannoun

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AI: Summary © The importance of avoiding mistakes and staying true to one's marriage is emphasized, as it is the fruit of healthy marriage. The speakers stress the need for prevention and finding one's own happiness in relationships, while also emphasizing the importance of trusting oneself and avoiding double standards. The segment also touches on the lack of emotional intelligence and the importance of finding one's own happiness in relationships, as it can lead to negative consequences. The speakers stress the need for boundaries and good communication, as well as the importance of finding one's own happiness in relationships and avoiding trauma.
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shallow connection is the connection of the hearts. For as long as the heart is connected, for as long as we are connected emotionally, the physical connection, the fun times are going to be organic, they're going to be easy. But if my heart is not connected to someone, how can I be around them? How can I give and take with them? So it's really important that there is a connection of the huts.

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And when Allah subhanaw taala he spoke about the Institute of marriage. He mentioned that in a very special Surah what is that Surah

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anyone know when he spoke about marriage in the Quran? And we see this on the invitation cards when it comes to marriage invitations, which surah was it?

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Nah, nah, another Surah not another Surah I'm after.

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And I noticed mentioned Subhan Allah is mentioned in different chapters but the surah that I'm after is a room a room in Surah Tarun, Allah mentions many of these as you know, the reoccurring theme in certain room is women TV, you know women Aya T and then he goes in women Aya T and Holika comm mean fusi comm as well generally Tuscano it has como la wujiang Anabaena Kuma what that

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will mean a yachtie. And from from amongst the signs, the miracles of ALLAH SubhanA wa Isla, that leaders that show us the greatness of Allah, the llama of Allah, the care of Allah is at the aid of Allah azza wa jal and he says women AR T and Holika Allah that He created for us, you, me and you Yeah, and yeah, as human beings, men and fusi come from your own type your own species as human beings, as well as any credit for you as OGE. Your zone is your mate, your companion in this context, it's your husband or your wife. And what's the objective, he says, Lita schooner, lie, so that you may find Sakina. Now, what's interesting in this verse, The Tuscano, la her, so that you

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may find Sakina through her. So a lot of the Sakina is going to come from the wife.

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But of course for the wife to give that Sakina she herself needs to be in a healthy state. She needs to feel that she is being loved and she's being taken care of that you fulfilling your duty as a husband, because it's going to become reciprocal.

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The Tuscano Illya and Allah says Raja Isla, Bina Kuma, what that Rama, and he placed between you both my wife, what's my word, my word that is not love. My word there is affection. My Word, there is a demonstration of your love. You see, you can have,

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you can have love in your heart. But that just sits there. I love this person. I love that I love the chef, I love this speaker. But you don't do much about it. You might do something occasionally you might make dua for them. But now my word that comes in my word, there is a demonstration of that love, how you show the love through your actions, through your words through your sacrifices for that person. That's what's required my word.

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Now, sometimes we have stress, sometimes we have hardships. So then Allah reminds us, it's not enough to build this marriage to stabilize this marriage on only one rockin one pillar. So he says My Word

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that during the tough times, during the difficult moments, you need to be able to give each other some slack, you need to have some mercy towards each other.

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So Subhan Allah the Quran, as you heard, there are many verses in the Quran, about marriage, and the contributors to a healthy marriage. But today, what we want to focus on is what are some of the problems so we can learn from them? And what are the solutions? Because the smart person is the one who learns from his own mistakes, but the wise person is the one who learns from the mistakes of others. Why should I be making the mistakes and other people have already made for me, I can learn from those mistakes. And I can ensure that I don't make the same mistakes. And I'll be honest with you, that during my counseling sessions on a daily basis, to be honest with you, I probably feel

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like I'm a broken record, because it's more or less the same sort of problems.

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And subhanAllah I will mention to you some of the most common problems that we come across.

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So yes, we need to ensure that you only we try and prevent these problems. And I love this quote that I came across and that is the best intervention is prevention. The best intervention is

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Prevention. That why do we need to go in and try and intervene and have people come in and try and save the day?

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When we can prevent this from happening in the first place? Insha Allah Who to Allah? So we're going to get right into it in sha Allah.

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And most people here married any bachelors hands up in the bachelors. Okay, good, good, good. Okay, so you want to learn so you don't make those problems and you don't fall into those mistakes. Insha Allah will tell you first of all, to those who are single and ready to mingle among you in sha Allah. My first the only recommendation for you is Yanni appealed. It's very hard in this day and age to get married, but nothing is hard for Allah. Keep Yanni consistent and persistent with your DUA in asking Allah subhanahu wa taala to bless you with a spouse with a partner.

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And Allah subhanho wa Taala he says in the Quran, well your staff if he Lavina Allah Yoji doon Anika Han had your Nia hula who had that you have Nia whom Allah Who mean family. That one of the best things if you're single and you want to get married, and if there's if you have friends that want to get married, and you want to give them an aha, that they're finding it difficult to get married. Tell him one of the best things that you can do is to be a fifth

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or fifth means to be modest, to be fearing Allah and not committing haram because Allah says He says in this area when he has staff he Filipina Elia G Dona Nika Hanna that those who are not able to get married, let them practice a mod Yanni refraining from the Haram from Xena from committing fornication had their you near whom Allah Who mean fugly Unto Allah blesses them from his father from His bounty. So there is there is keeping away from the Haram in sha Allah Who to Allah, there is of course making St. Hara remember we spoke about prevention in sha Allah before intervention. So if you want to make sure that you get married to the right person, you don't have all of these

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mistakes, you need to make sure that you or your child is if you're the wellI, that you're doing the due diligence, right to ensure that you're making the right choice.

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So this is something very important for our young ones. And one of the in one Hadith, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said there are three types of people that Allah will support. And he mentioned one of them is the one who seeks marriage for the sake of effort for the sake of chastity. So the one who's pursuing marriage for the sake of effort and chastity, Allah is going to support that person, because that person doesn't want to fall into the haram.

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So anyway, we'll go now into some of the most Jonnie most common problems when it comes to marriage or what's leading to problems in the marriage. And number one,

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no Dean, or very little Deen not prioritizing Allah.

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At the end of the day, who controls the hearts?

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Who?

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Allah azza wa jal? Who's going to bless your marriage? Allah, who's going to get you out of your problems, Allah.

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So if you're not if you're not living an Allah centric life, or lifestyle, how do you expect Baraka in your life? How do you expect to have a nice life?

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Many, many times we ask individuals told me about your relationship with Allah. And as most of those people who have problems in their marriage, that's not to say religious people, or practicing people don't experience problems in their marriage. But for the most part, most of the times that it could be because of sins, or it could be because of Yanni your just your lack of connection to Allah azza wa jal. I remember a story whereby a che came to a household to solve a problem between the husband and the wife. And the chef came in and he sat down, and he looked around this house, and he can see that it's a very new house. It's newly built. Allahumma Burdick, it looks amazing. It looks awesome.

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And the chef said, What's the story behind this house? did you how did you purchase it? Is it through rubber? Is it through? Is it through rebate? Is it through interest and usury? They said yes.

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The chef stood up and he said As Salam Alikum

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you got the story, right?

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You know, how do you want Baraka in your marriage? When you've when you've gone to war with Allah azza wa jal when you're dealing with riba when you're dealing with interest, you're going to war with Allah there's only two texts is only two

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context in the Quran and Sunnah, that we learned that ALLAH SubhanA wa Taala goes to war with certain individuals. And one of them

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is the one who deals with Reba, Willa villa. And Wallahi.

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I have seen many cases of couples who have marital problems.

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And then you dig a little bit more, and you find out that they have a rib alone. And then they're reminded they're given Naseeha they're given advice. And then they move away from the river.

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And when they do you see them? Best friends, Best Buddies, lovers. And at one point that were going hard, they were fighting and they were in animosity and so much tension.

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What tassa buena, who Hainan? Wahoo? And Allah He?

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You think it's trivial? You think it's nothing? It's only the bad sister bank alone. But to Allah, it's something great. They What about the person who doesn't pray? What about the person who is gambling? What about the person who's taking drugs? What about the drug dealer?

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What about the person who is oppressing others?

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Allah azza wa jal says in the Quran in the Latina airmen who were army who saw the hottie say yet yeah.

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Man who would dare

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he says those who believe and they do righteous deeds, good deeds are Rahman, the most merciful, will instill would we say there's affection. He's going to instill affection in the hearts of the people around you. When you have belief and you do good deeds,

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he does. Sometimes you go to a funeral. Sometimes you see certain people, they have a massive

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following and people love them. That's from Allah azza wa jal, because when Allah loves you, the angels love you, God loves you. The people on the earth He Allah subhanho wa Taala any other al muhabba he places this muhabba in the hearts of the people towards you.

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So the first problem that we have is not having an Allah centric lifestyle and committing the Haram and believe me, just focusing on this point and prioritizing Allah and making sure you feel Allah you Please Allah, you're not there to please the people. Don't be a people pleaser.

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Just that point in itself, I would say 80 to 90% will solve most marital problems. Because now you come to behave within the window and the framework of the Quran and Sunnah that says, have my word, have Rama, have solver have

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this right rights, there's obligations. You see where we're going with this.

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So that's why as soon as you make Allah your priority, you're going to find yourself organically doing the right thing in sha Allah which is from amongst the,

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the causes and the solutions to not having marital problems is to make dua for your marriage regularly.

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And Allah in the Quran, he praises those who make dua for their marriage. He says we're Lavina yaku Luna burner had Elena Amin as well Gina was Maria Tina porewater or Yan those who say a lot burner habla our Lord habla bestow upon us mean as well Gina from El xojo out yo xojo Is your mate with zariya Tina your offspring your progeny odorata on ya Allah make my spouse the delight of my eyes. So when I see my spouse

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I don't say are also villa.

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I say Alhamdulillah I'm always grateful when I see my spouse reminds me of that story. whereby one wife she says to her husband, do you see me in your dreams?

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He says to her habibi. I don't see you in my in my dreams. Why not?

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He says maybe because I recite a Atul kursi Don't say that. I'm just telling you the story. You know this currency protects you from the Shaitan

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so keep your marriage in your too. And especially especially the earth god who sada he will myself.

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Of course, a sabbatical myself, the morning and evening supplications How long did they take? Somebody told me roughly

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20 minutes and if you're if you've, if you've perfected them, maybe

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15 minutes, maybe 12 minutes, maybe 10 minutes, because you just say them.

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But say them with the present heart, with the present mind believe in what you're saying. Because one of them is Allahumma. India as a local Alpha well I fear for dunya and akhira Allahu mania so local alpha with alpha fee Dini, we're doing Yaya Lee, who's your URL?

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Your URL is your family, your wife. You're asking Allah every day after fajr and after Muslim as often after fajr and after acid right through to protect you and to protect your family members. If you're not doing that, then you're out you've walked you've left your house, you've got no protective layer. You got no shoe shutdowns gonna have a field day.

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So we need to make sure insha Allah huzzah that we do tasin that we do fortification, you know the book fortress of the Muslim? Why is it called fortress?

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Two because it protects you to Castle. It's all good. It's going to protect you from every single angle.

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Don't undermine the earth god don't undermine to

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make two Fridays.

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You only make a pact right now. group up with your wife with your husband and say, Hey, can we from now on make sure we prioritize our marriage every Friday between our son and Mother we mentioned our marriage.

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Because we said most of your happiness after marriage is going to come from your marriage. A lot of the a lot of your focus. You know, I see grown men crying. I see. I see men or young men who are distraught, who are down who lose a lot of money. They can't work, they can't focus. And they say I've lost all of this money. One brother I was talking to recently, it's so toxic in his marriage. He's renting for I think it was $750 another house that he has to rent, because he can't live in the same house with his wife. It's too toxic. And he's making visits to visit his children. And he's losing a lot of time on work. And then this other brother that I speak to says to me, Look, I'm

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willing to make so many sacrifices to be with my children because my wife is just not up to it. And I'm happy to take a cut on work. Can you see where we're going with this.

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And that's why we need to make sure that things are going well at home. That that extra money that you make you can use it you can build a masjid, you can build a waterwheel here, you can feed some orphans there and benefit your ask era have to lose out on that money.

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But that's what's gonna happen when you're not happily married, because you didn't want to do the due diligence. You wanted to take a shortcut you thought you can just work it out. Doesn't work that way have you been?

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So yes, make dua for your marriage and UScar a Sabha when we said it's very important. Another very important point. Another problem that we have when it comes to relationships is the lack of emotional intelligence. What does that mean?

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That means you don't if you don't have a filter, to control your anger,

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you've never learned what the filter is, or you don't apply the filter. And so Subhanallah whenever you get angry, it becomes any very, very tragic Wallahi. Today, I was speaking to a couple. And, you know, the wife started talking. And she said to me,

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she was talking to me about how toxic the marriage is, how he doesn't give her attention, and so on and so forth.

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Then we come to it when it came to his turn to talk.

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You know, she takes out a knife on me when she's mad.

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So what do you think I leave the house. I'm scared for my life.

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There's no emotional intelligence there.

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If you have to resort to swearing, if you have to resort to weapons, then you need to learn how to be a more emotionally intelligent human being. I'll tell you, I'll be honest with you. One of the top three reasons for marital problems is the lack of anger management. That leads to disrespect

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and that disrespect to you think it's going to maintain that emotional connection with the person.

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You think you're going to be connected with your spouse when you have disrespect and swearing and yelling and what have you in a way?

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And then the brother complaints all look, you know, there's no intimacy in the marriage. How do you expect intimacy How do you split the fit and a physical connection when the hearts are not connected? When you've probably disrespected her or not taken her needs? Jani seriously.

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So we talk connected.

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So yes, there needs to be learning how to control your anger.

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And subhanAllah the brother I was speaking to today, he said he said to me, I'm actually taking anger management classes or it's actually was her sorry

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I'm actually taking anger management classes. Don't be shy.

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You know, I know myself growing up, I wasn't, you know, the sharpest pencil in the box.

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I didn't, when none of us grow up with all the tools and all the knowledge, we have weaknesses. We probably learned these behaviors from some of our parents, who they themselves have anger management issues.

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And so who do you think our best teachers and our greatest teachers are?

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Our parents,

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and then we wonder, like Subhanallah, and so many stories that come to my mind, but I'm going to stay in within the timeframe.

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But Yanni, we if you have an issue with anger, then put up your hand in here, but just you know, we don't want to embarrass you put up your hand and say you need help.

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And then what you do you go and obsess. That's the word I want you to use. Any weakness that you have any weakness that you have, be it the weakness of looking at the opposite gender, hustle, bustle, whether it's drugs, whether it's your anger management,

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go away and obsess over the process to become a better human being.

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Go away, go when it says you obsessed you want to buy a car.

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You go in obsessed, and you look up every video and every tick tock in every YouTube and every review and every Google review. Just to buy something. Maybe it's even less than a car. Maybe it's just the I don't know, like a microphone or a phone case. That's the truth. That's what we do. We obsess over reviews and and you know, what about obsessing over your weakness? What about obsessing over what's what really counts in life?

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Subhan Allah one of the best strategies as a solution to this problem. We learn it from the time of the Prophet SAW Selim.

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And maybe you saw Selim, he visits his daughter Fatima, the Allahu anhu, Allah and every spot in America,

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Ali Abdullah Juan, who's Ali in relation to Fatima, her cousin.

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So he says, Where's your cousin? Meaning Where's Eileen?

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And she says, Wallah, we, we had a fight. And he left the house.

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And if you saw send them What did he do?

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Didn't say anything. What you had a fight, how they didn't do that.

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He went actually to search for him.

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Which teaches us a lesson that when you hear that two people have a problem, make an effort to go and reconcile. And you know what, you don't have to be a counselor. You don't have to be a psychologist. You don't have to be a chef. All you have to do is say A salaam alaikum. I'm here for you. If you need anything, you know how much that means? That person?

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Be that person. Just sometimes when someone's just wants to talk to someone.

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So Subhanallah he goes looking for him and where does he find him?

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Do you know where he finds Haile? He finds him in the masjid. And you know, back then in the masjid, the floor was made out of just dirt didn't have carpet mashallah beautiful carpet, beautiful smelling carpet. It was the dirt to rub.

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And so he's sitting there, he's sleeping on the masjid floor, and he's reading. His upper garment is uncovered and he's back and shoulder is on the dirt and all this dust is on him. And the besides LM comes up to him. He says calm you're about to rob home. Get up a father of the dust get up.

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And it gives him a nickname. He became known as able to rob.

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And that's what we know about the story more or less.

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That what do we learn from this? We learned the hikma of Ali Ali walked out

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that instead of staying there and fighting and putting on the gloves, the punching the boxing gloves, right? You have a strategy, you have an exit strategy.

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But you have to be careful with this strategy. And I'll tell you why. Because a lot of the times what husbands do

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you see there's there's a gender difference? Well, they say they can answer and the male is not like the female. So what happens is that the mail, generally as males, males don't want to talk about a problem in the now in the in the now in the moment. What do they want to do? They want to sort of take off into their cave into the imaginary bubble they need some time out to just think about think it through.

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Women, generally speaking, they want to talk about it right now.

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You got to talk to me now.

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Right

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And then what did she do? None. I can't talk about it. Now leave me alone, the husband says he starts to go out the door. Now you come here and she slams the door and you're not going nowhere. That's very dangerous sister. So we're going to say to the sisters don't do this. And we're going to say to the brothers, you still need to go if you're if you're going to say something or do something that's hurtful, but

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you give your wife reassuring words and certainty that you're coming back. That Hey, discussion is not over. We will have a respectful conversation. But right now, I am emotionally flooded. And I don't want to say anything to hurt you. And I don't want to do anything wrong. Because unabIe your sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Love the hubbub.

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You know, the, the man who? Jani who was in this story of letters, Bob, don't get angry. He said in in the Hadith that is mentioned in Muslim Imam Ahmed. He said, I've contemplated the words of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam letter. And he said, I saw based on this word that hubub for the Prophet SAW Selim to give this advice of all the advice when the man is asking him I was singing out of school, Allah, give me advice, a messenger of Allah, for him to say, of all the advice to say, let them dub, it must be that other verb, that evil is the root of all evil that encompasses all evil.

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And now you see why getting angry is rated in the top three reasons of lack of anger management being one of the leading causes, one of the leading causes of marital problems.

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So

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when you get angry, you need to have a filter, you need to know what to do in the moment, but you can't just you need to rehearse and practice before that moment, to see yourself, visualize yourself, how are you going to handle that moment? What are the rules between you and your wife that you have discussed, to ensure that when you do have a Fallout or a disagreement, how do you want to react to her, hey, look, I am the type I can't have that conversation I need out. So when I went out, I give you the reassuring words that are gonna come back, I will talk to you in sha Allah Huhtala when things are a lot calmer, but I need a favor from you, I don't want you to text me

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20,000 text messages, and to call me and I don't want to have 30,000 missed calls from you.

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But we will talk about it, we've got rules in place.

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You know, subhanAllah, there are two sides of the brain, you know, this the right and the left hemisphere.

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The right side of the brain is the is the emotional side of the brain. That's where fight or flight kicks in. When there's a

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win win win, we're in a situation whereby we get triggered, we get angry, we get scared, what happens is the right side of the brain sets off first.

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And then a drilling then is is pumped out into the blood. Because now you got to do something you got to you know, when you look like you're tired, and all of a sudden boom, it's like Whoa, what happened I'm I'm ready. Now I'm ready to to run or to fight or to freeze how much is freeze.

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It takes 90 seconds for the brain now to switch from the right side to the left side, which is the rational brain.

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And the rational brain now talks you through it. Don't do this, do this. So you know when somebody says count to 100

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That's what they're referring to the saying, Stop, just take it easy for about 90 seconds count to 100 until your rational brain kicks in. And then you can start to make decisions. And if you are talking from a place of the where the emotional brain and that cortisol is going through your body, you're going to be saying all sorts of nonsense and things like that. And that's why Subhan Allah in Islam, and besides Salam he said let Allah coffee is love. When there is no binding divorce when it's done in a state of rage, high level anger doesn't count. Why? Because you're not in your right mind. You're not thinking from the left hemisphere of your brain, you're going from the right

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hemisphere.

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So back to a little the Allahu Anhu Allah. He was very intelligent he left but what we saw, you see what happens is this. And I see this all the time with a lot of the husbands

00:29:53--> 00:30:00

when they are when they are down when they are anxious when they're really down in their relation

00:30:00--> 00:30:17

sheep, they want to go somewhere that's called your emotional home. Where you want to find that peace and that serenity. Some of us might go to the gym, some of us they go to a for a walk, some go, well, they take drugs, some go to the gambling machines, this is the truth.

00:30:18--> 00:30:20

Some go to other women.

00:30:22--> 00:30:23

Right?

00:30:24--> 00:30:37

But Subhan Allah when Allah teaches us is the best place to go to? Is this house of Allah? Why? Because Allah is going to get you out of this. How tranquil is it when you're in the house of Allah.

00:30:39--> 00:30:47

And when you're in the house of Allah, many gifts come your way. What gift came to the to Alia of the Allahu Anhu Allah when he was in the masjid?

00:30:49--> 00:31:05

None other than the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, Allah sent him a gift. And he had it the Prophet SAW Selim. No he was there, look, Allah sent, he sent him there. So Allah is going to send you a puffiness, Allah is going to send you the solution, if he was sincere,

00:31:06--> 00:31:09

when it comes to Yanni, this, this notion of anger,

00:31:10--> 00:31:13

and he Subhanallah we can go on and on and on.

00:31:15--> 00:31:24

But you need to have a strategy, you really need to have a strategy for when you're going to get angry, what is your strategy? What are you going to do?

00:31:25--> 00:31:33

Very, very important. Insha, Allah hooter Isla, they will move on to another issue, and that is family interference.

00:31:35--> 00:31:41

Of the three top reasons for marriage dysfunction, and divorce is the endless

00:31:42--> 00:31:46

families interfering with their children's lives.

00:31:47--> 00:31:51

Very, very common, you'll probably not find one speaker.

00:31:53--> 00:32:02

In the world, the only from the leading speakers list, they always talk about dealing with the endless and how to navigate those challenges.

00:32:03--> 00:32:07

So if you are the inlaw, I encourage you to just

00:32:09--> 00:32:09

back off,

00:32:11--> 00:32:25

yes, there might be a time and place for you to come in. But for the most part, let them work it out, let a third party work it out. And what I've realized, especially when parents get involved, some parents are so unreasonable.

00:32:26--> 00:32:54

And they take control the situation. And they play. They they they play emotional blackmail with their children and say that you're not going back to him. And subhanAllah they make it very difficult for the relationship to reconcile. So it's actually very dangerous to take it to your parents take it to a professional ticket to a leading to a shocker understands relationships, take it to a site, a psychologist or Muslim psychologist who understands human behavior that is known to help people

00:32:56--> 00:32:57

before you take it to your parents.

00:32:59--> 00:33:20

So yes, one of the common problems is the in laws. And one of the specific problems with in laws is when a woman or the wife is mostly not generally speaking, not all cases, but generally speaking, is for the wife to be living with her mother in law. Because you can't have two chefs in the kitchen.

00:33:23--> 00:33:30

They say in the land down under two chefs in the kitchen, spoil the broth. I don't know if it's a universal saying or not.

00:33:32--> 00:33:52

Right. So yes, there needs to be the best thing that you can do for your wife is happy to have her in a separate quarter have her in a separate, I need so Pamela dwelling even what I've seen from my personal experience in dealing with couples that even a granny flat or an upstairs downstairs scenario doesn't even cut it.

00:33:53--> 00:34:02

We've seen problems Oh, why did you come up says Why didn't you come and say salam to me? Why didn't you offer me some food? Why didn't you come and check up on me what? And so on and so forth.

00:34:04--> 00:34:15

So yes, there has to be boundaries in this area. When it comes to in laws, there's got to be boundaries. There's got to be some rules. There's got to be some good communication. And above all,

00:34:17--> 00:34:20

there's got to be justice. There's got to be added.

00:34:21--> 00:34:34

There's got to be justice when it comes to your own even if it's against your own parents. Allah says in the Quran, qu Awami in the law, Christy shahada and Ilahi Walla Walla and fusi comm will validate

00:34:36--> 00:34:41

be fair and just be it against yourself or your own parents.

00:34:44--> 00:34:50

Be just just because it's your mom, just because it's your dad doesn't mean they can they're right all the time. They're human beings.

00:34:52--> 00:34:56

They in any Subhanallah they make mistakes, they're not infallible, they're fallible, they make mistakes.

00:34:58--> 00:34:59

So this is another one another one

00:35:00--> 00:35:00

which

00:35:01--> 00:35:02

is

00:35:03--> 00:35:08

from the from amongst the problems that we have is infidelity. Cheating

00:35:11--> 00:35:13

and that is very that's also unfortunately very common

00:35:18--> 00:35:34

and so Allah subhanho wa Taala he says in the Quran, Khalil Medina What do you mean? I'm sorry him, say to the believing men to lower their gaze, and he also says Paul Minetti. Yes, I mean, I'm sorry him and say to the female slaves of Allah to to lower their gaze.

00:35:36--> 00:35:39

So this is one of the biggest problems not lowering your gaze.

00:35:40--> 00:35:49

And when we're talking about not lowering your gaze, we're talking about also watching inappropriate content and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

00:35:50--> 00:35:55

And if you have a problem with watching inappropriate content,

00:35:57--> 00:35:58

then raise your hand but not now.

00:36:00--> 00:36:02

Raise your hand and get help.

00:36:04--> 00:36:09

And if you need that help you reach out to me you reach out to people like Chef Wally Brahim.

00:36:11--> 00:36:17

Sure, quietly, Brahim has done amazing work is dedicated over 20 years, to the area of pornography.

00:36:18--> 00:36:24

And how to, to rid yourself off it he's got a whole program for a detox program

00:36:25--> 00:36:28

get help. This is very, very problematic.

00:36:30--> 00:36:43

So there must be rules that you impose on yourself. You impose the rules on yourself when it comes to dealing with the opposite gender rules when it comes to social media,

00:36:45--> 00:36:49

and who you follow or who your spouse who your spouse is following on social media.

00:36:50--> 00:37:11

Very, very important. This is another another problem that we have with many relationships, infidelity, cheating, infidelity isn't just Xena. But you know, texting and, and doing all of this nonsense, not being loyal And subhanAllah This is a very trust, you know, trust is one of the biggest deal breakers in relationship.

00:37:14--> 00:37:17

And Wallahi I had a case today. And she said to me, I don't trust him.

00:37:19--> 00:37:28

And I said in sha Allah, he's got we're going to work on him. Until not only is he going to get it right, but there's no way he's going to get it wrong in sha Allah.

00:37:30--> 00:37:41

We have to try and save the marriage and this children involved in his regretful, and his Kim and his and he said Tober and he wants to not do it again. But you have to earn that trust, you got to work on that trust.

00:37:43--> 00:37:50

So whatever you do, Yanni, make sure that your spouse trust you. You can't work with you can't be with someone you don't trust

00:37:52--> 00:37:53

them. Another one

00:37:54--> 00:37:55

is friends.

00:37:57--> 00:38:00

Tell me who your friends are. And I will tell you who you are.

00:38:02--> 00:38:03

Or a cyber.

00:38:04--> 00:38:32

Your friend can, can pull you here can pull you there are friends or like lifts, they can take you up or bring you down better than all of this. Other words of our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam who said and Morocco Allah Dini Holly Lee phillium, I have to commend you highly, that a person is on the way or the path of his colleague, his close friend.

00:38:33--> 00:38:38

Be careful who your close friends are. Many times we learn

00:38:39--> 00:38:44

that the problem that the husband has is because of his circle of friends.

00:38:47--> 00:38:50

And where they're going and what they're talking about and what they're discussing.

00:38:52--> 00:39:04

If your friends start to play up, and they're not on the dean, then detach, Move back, move away. Some friends are seasonal colors, they've done their time they've expired now move on.

00:39:05--> 00:39:28

You can stay respectful. If you see them, you advise them but you don't want to be a part of that. Friends are very, very important, be it your wife's friends, your husband's friends. It's very important to be to be mindful of this because they could they could be you know, giving wrong signals and wrong messages. The next one is a very big one.

00:39:29--> 00:39:32

The next big problem that we have is trauma.

00:39:34--> 00:39:34

Trauma.

00:39:36--> 00:39:38

There's a beautiful saying that I absolutely love

00:39:39--> 00:39:47

and that is if you don't heal, what hurts you. You will bleed all over those who never cut you.

00:39:49--> 00:39:58

Because what I've seen from my experience and learned is that weight is the the remnants of the trauma

00:40:00--> 00:40:05

And the behaviors from the trauma, do you know where they show up most in life? They show up in the marriage.

00:40:08--> 00:40:29

And subhanAllah. You see, when you speak to when you start asking questions, and you learn, you learn why the person that the husband or the wife is behaving in the way that they're behaving, is because of the relationship with their parent. They were either abused by their parent, they were neglected by their parent,

00:40:30--> 00:40:40

and so on and so forth. And so what happens, there's fears there's insecurities that come into the marriage. Like I had a case today. And the brother.

00:40:41--> 00:40:54

The wife said to me, he doesn't he always lies to me. That's what she said. That's her words. He lies to me. He lies about everything. I suppose. Pamela, could it be true that her husband is lying to his wife about everything?

00:40:55--> 00:40:56

To ask him?

00:40:57--> 00:41:23

I said, Brother, is she right? Is she is she telling the truth? He said, Yes. I said, Why? Why do you lie for? Because I don't trust people. Okay, okay. What are you trust people? He because because when I was home with my father, I would come to my father, my father wanted me to tell him everything. And then when I would tell him things, he would go tell everybody and embarrass me.

00:41:24--> 00:41:29

And from that I developed this, this trauma, and I can't trust people.

00:41:30--> 00:41:40

And so look what's happening now, because he never healed from that he never learned how to deal with this traumatic experience. He's now doing the same thing to his own wife.

00:41:42--> 00:41:47

And we have many different cases, it could be separation anxiety.

00:41:49--> 00:42:06

Whereby, for example, I recall one sister, her father left her and the people in her life they left her you know, those divorce cases have been divorced cases, the father goes to another state or another country. So she feels like nobody loves me. But that's not true.

00:42:09--> 00:42:25

And then Subhanallah, we have this separation anxiety. So now whenever her husband goes on the little sort of maybe work Yanni experience far away in another city, she starts going crazy. Were you coming? Were you leaving me? And he can't understand what's the problem, I'm just going for work.

00:42:27--> 00:42:32

But now we unmake him understand how to work with her and make her understand how, what she can do.

00:42:33--> 00:43:05

So if you have trauma, whatever it is, if you have weaknesses and insecurities, like I said, before, start obsessing over the work that needs to be done. So you can be a better version of yourself as a Muslim as a worshipper, as a husband, as a father, as a mother, whatever else because if you don't perfect it, what's gonna happen next. It's called generational trauma. What's generational trauma or ancestral trauma, where your children now will pick it up and your children's children will pick it up and it's just gonna be a cycle.

00:43:07--> 00:43:19

That's why you got to do the work. You got to do the work. Most people are traumatized in one way or another. Could have been a narcissistic parent and abusive parent, like we said could have been many things.

00:43:21--> 00:43:25

And Wallah, you find that Islam has the solution. So the Prophet today for example,

00:43:26--> 00:43:29

I asked him a question, he was the liar.

00:43:31--> 00:43:32

And I said to him,

00:43:33--> 00:43:39

he said to me, I've got insecure, I've got also many issues, other issues and he started to issue he said,

00:43:42--> 00:43:59

he said, My, I reverted to Islam. And because I did that, my parents don't really want anything to do with my wife, and they don't want anything to do with my child. I have a child and my parents, they don't want to see my child.

00:44:01--> 00:44:15

And Wallah, he had tears in his eyes. And that's his dream. That's his, his passion and his dream and everything. He wants that connection between his child and the child's grandmother. It's not sure right? I said to him, You know what, brother?

00:44:17--> 00:44:21

ago, you gotta put your trust in Allah and you're gonna need to know that this is your test. Everybody has a test.

00:44:22--> 00:44:40

And I want you to walk out of this room today. And leave it with Allah. So you're Allah, You know what I want? And yeah, Allah, if you want it to happen, make it happen. And if it's not going to happen, you're Allah. Then you got a better plan for me. I'll leave it with you. Give it to Allah azza wa jal stop stressing about it. Stop traumatizing yourself about it.

00:44:42--> 00:44:45

And the list goes on and on and on, have examples of trauma.

00:44:46--> 00:44:52

So this is another very common problem that we have in the marriage. But we'll move on.

00:44:53--> 00:45:00

The other thing is a common problem is the lack of time management, not data

00:45:00--> 00:45:43

killing and having a balanced time. And in short, we share with you the hadith of Salman and up with the dead. Whereby Salman says to a Buddha probably Allahu Anhu man in Europe because like a hawk, we're in early enough Sikka like a hawk, we're in. In Rebecca we're in Africa We're in. We're in Berlin, FC callicarpa In the early colloca hub for articledo, the hacking hacker, Allah has rights, yourself has rights, your family have rights give each stage you right, have a balanced lifestyle. And especially if your wife is at home all day with kids, and she has to manage the home and manage the kids, it's very, very stressful, she didn't get married just to do that only she wants some time

00:45:43--> 00:45:48

to breathe some time to have time with you. It doesn't have to be expensive.

00:45:50--> 00:45:54

And you just dedicate some time to her sit with her without your phone

00:45:55--> 00:45:56

without any distractions.

00:45:58--> 00:46:31

Wallahi and you're gonna feel better, you're going to feel that emotional connection and physical connection. So time is very, very important. Another very common complaint is no, the lack of intimacy. And as I said earlier, for an intimate connection in marriage, there must be an emotional connection. For an emotional connection. You need to ensure that you know your your your partner, your husband, your wife is not in an anxious state, not always walking on eggshells, not really always angry with you. How could you then how could things happen on an intimate level?

00:46:33--> 00:46:40

The next one is a very important one. In this day and age, the lack of masculinity and the lack of femininity.

00:46:41--> 00:47:00

Young males are not being males and females are not being males and females are being males and males are being females. Whether Hola Hola, Quwata illa villa? You know what I'm talking about? Right? You know, there's a study that says there was a there was a study, and they were testing the levels of testosterone and estrogen.

00:47:01--> 00:47:08

You know, males are dominant, dominant and which one, testosterone hunted Hila. We got men in here.

00:47:09--> 00:47:26

And women are dominant in estrogen. But we have both but there's a dominance. Did you know that Subhanallah The study showed that when a woman is doing man things, she's doing the things that normally men do, her testosterone levels increase.

00:47:28--> 00:47:45

And when when, when men do women things, right, female things that are pretty much generally known as the females generally do this. Right. And they just involved heavily in that their estrogen levels are on the increase, and the testosterone levels decrease.

00:47:47--> 00:48:02

You as a husband are the Imam of the house. Just like the masjid has an Imam, you are the Imam. And even if the shock of this Masjid goes to your house, guess who's going to lead the prayer? Not the show, with all due respect to him.

00:48:04--> 00:48:06

You You're up bill Manziel

00:48:07--> 00:48:21

you are the one that you are the man of the house. You need to be the Imam, you need to be responsible. You need to be approachable, you need to be the one who provides finance. And then we have all of this talk in this day and age are we coming in as partners?

00:48:22--> 00:49:01

You know, she works and he works and they're both tired and they're both exhausted and they're wondering why they have problems. I mean, each one of these points we can elaborate on, but inshallah we want to sort of wrap it up in sha Allah Huhtala from another one of the yawning the contributors is lots of stress. Lots too much taking on too much. But I think this one is linked to the balance having the balance. And especially I want to share this hadith with with the sisters. You know, Fatima the Allahu Anhu. Allah has she complained to the prophesy Selim and she wanted to serve and she wanted the maid. And he said, I'll teach you something because you know, she was doing

00:49:01--> 00:49:25

a lot of the maintenance and the house chores and the grinding was affecting her hands. And he said to her, I'll give you something better than that. You don't need a servant before you go to sleep say subhanallah 33 times, saying Hamdulillah 33 times say Allahu Akbar 34 times and that is better than having a servant or a slave. And she said that and she said she never complained again.

00:49:26--> 00:49:41

The Power of Words the power of Victrola the power of this defer the power of the power of God was Subash. Wala he we are so fortunate that we have this Arsenal we have these weapons, we have this Subhanallah medicine.

00:49:43--> 00:49:46

Take advantage of it. My brothers and my sisters in Islam.

00:49:48--> 00:49:59

From amongst the problems that we have is is having too high expectations, lower your expectations. Lower your expectations so you don't get disappointed. It's good to have expectations, but maybe they're too high.

00:50:00--> 00:50:15

Maybe you're unreasonable, maybe it's not doable, maybe your spouse, it's their weakness, lower your expectations and communicate with your spouse. And so, I want to conclude inshallah Huhtala with the last one. And that is

00:50:17--> 00:50:25

the main one of the main problems, for marital problems for marital issues in this day and age is ignorance, not having knowledge

00:50:27--> 00:50:28

in the millennial moon

00:50:30--> 00:50:46

that realm is gained by seeking knowledge. When you are about to get married, learn, if you're married and your marriage is not going well learn is not even learning you're only going to be a better version of yourself. Learn unlearn, relearn,

00:50:48--> 00:50:55

there needs to be knowledge. We are the OMA of Accra we are the people have read

00:50:56--> 00:51:00

it's not just gonna happen you need to learn this doesn't just happen.

00:51:01--> 00:51:13

And especially if you've learned from bad from from toxic parents, or you've learned from Yanni, whatever other experiences. So this is something that we need to remember, you know, subhanAllah in certain countries,

00:51:14--> 00:51:31

like Malaysia, you can't get married without doing some sort of Marriage Course. And when they looked at the people who engage in these marriage courses, they found that Subhanallah I think it was a percentage of 85% of these cases, okay. found that they had a healthier relationship.

00:51:33--> 00:51:53

Right, or because they learned human behavior they learned? Well, they said they could who can answer that the male is not like the female they learned coronelli best when likoma untimely birth, like you like garments to each other. They learned that Subhan Allah Mann amela sila Hammonds, ocarina one men on Fallon Hannah who hire company either

00:51:54--> 00:52:24

when you do good deeds, male or female, that's going to bless you with the good life. Knowledge. One of the best gifts that you can give yourself before marriage is to learn about marriage. One of the best gifts that you can give to your child who's about to get married, is to encourage them to learn, to learn about what to do what how to behave. Especially in a day and age. We're so confused. There's so many mixed messages, especially in a day and age, we live in a Western country whereby there's a mixing of cultures Wallahi I had a brother today that come to me.

00:52:25--> 00:52:51

And he came to me for one thing only he's about to get engaged. He's comes from a certain culture, she comes from another culture and he goes what what can you tell me about two cultures coming together? What's the engagement period? What I can do what can I do? What sneaker what are the rules? What's the MaHA what what do we do? That's that I thought I congratulated him aka you are mashallah investing in your marriage or investing in yourself well done.

00:52:52--> 00:53:31

So we ask Allah subhanahu wa taala to bless us with beneficial knowledge we ask Allah subhanaw taala to bless us with healthy healthy marriages in sha Allah hooter. Isla, I have left some, some cards at the tables, when you're exiting about my online Marriage Course in sha Allah Who Tyler which is a comprehensive course. And it is all about incorporating and integrating Islamic knowledge and modern day research into relationships. It's a one stop shop in sha Allah Huhtala you can watch it you can share it with your family. May Allah subhanaw taala make it of benefit to oh, I don't know how much time we have if we want to have some questions on 10 minutes. Should I

00:53:33--> 00:53:38

pay if insha? Allah? Do we have some questions? Insha Allah any questions? Yes?

00:53:42--> 00:53:43

What year come how to find the wife?

00:53:46--> 00:53:50

This is a very valid question. Because in this day and age, I don't know if chef Chanel

00:53:51--> 00:53:54

you're experiencing this world? Do we have a lot of complaints as well? Do we?

00:53:57--> 00:53:59

It is more problematic than before, right?

00:54:02--> 00:54:02

sort of

00:54:03--> 00:54:04

say

00:54:05--> 00:54:45

that have those strong. Family support social structures. They've come here students or their family most of their families overseas. So look, what I want to add a bit of a Taqwa. work together to help your brothers and sisters who are single, but there's many avenues. Okay, one of those avenues is going to be one of those avenues is going to be word of mouth. One of those avenues is volunteer your time in Islamic organizations and make you make yourself known and, you know, one of those avenues could be matchmakers. Right there are actually people who are matchmakers. You know, approach your parents approach your families. It's not an easy one to navigate, but there Don't

00:54:45--> 00:54:52

limit your options. Okay? In sha Allah to Allah keep your options open. I hope that answers your question

00:54:53--> 00:54:53

is

00:54:55--> 00:54:59

a lot of people they got nice marriage websites from your experience. You

00:55:00--> 00:55:02

Dealing with issues how?

00:55:13--> 00:55:39

Chef chef is bringing to our attention. The matrimonial websites, they're not all equal. Some matrimonial websites have any better filters, any better protocols or what have you than others, there's probably more harm in most of them, then there is good is more harm than there is good and the best to be avoided. But that's not all of them. So you really need to be maybe asking,

00:55:40--> 00:56:20

looking at reviews, it is an option. But But then again, there's, there's there could be a lot of harm, there's a lot of evil people out out there that are on them with a with an agenda. And I've heard some stories personally, people have approached me, so it's best to avoid them. However, some are better than others in sha Allah, I am working on a Inshallah, on an event I want to bring to Sydney, in sha Allah, Allah, Allah will keep you updated. But I found that this space really needs a lot of work. And I really do feel for our single brothers and sisters. And so we need to start to think outside of the box inshallah a little bit, we can't keep on doing things old school, and

00:56:20--> 00:56:33

traditionally, it's not working for the greater for a lot of people. There's a lot of new bachelors out there. But um, you're looking to always come forward. And by the way, chefs don't have a list, you have a list. And they always ask you, right?

00:56:34--> 00:56:41

Yes, yes. Then always have a list of singles. You know, it's not, it's not as simple as you think. We?

00:56:45--> 00:56:46

Yeah,

00:56:47--> 00:56:56

they just take this one. It doesn't work like that. Maybe once upon a time, we were a small village, not with the global village at the moment. Are there any other questions before we go on? Yes, brother.

00:57:10--> 00:57:10

If you're

00:57:13--> 00:57:13

not going to be

00:57:16--> 00:57:17

what do we do that?

00:57:19--> 00:57:24

Yeah. If the if the parents are saying the curry comes first.

00:57:26--> 00:57:32

I think we have to double check. But maybe is that also the take of the girl or that's just the assumption of the parents?

00:57:36--> 00:57:42

And I want to have a career. Well, I guess I guess he needs to look at what is that curry? Is it a curry that

00:57:43--> 00:58:12

we do need some teachers we do need, you know, female doctors and things like that. So it all depends, I guess maybe a little bit more assessment of the situation and not just walking away but maybe asking a few more questions to the girl and seeing that okay, well what happens when we have children? And what about my expectations of you being at home for maybe X amount of hours throughout the week or day? I that's what I want. I think sometimes we have to be careful with just generally general answers but really being

00:58:13--> 00:58:20

Yanni assessing the situation. But generally speaking, the place for the woman is her home, generally speaking, there's going to be some exceptions to the rule.

00:58:22--> 00:58:32

And of course, once children come it really it's it's full on it needs the the woman must be at home. Really taking care of those children.

00:58:34--> 00:58:35

Any other questions?

00:58:37--> 00:58:37

Yes, proverb.

00:58:39--> 00:58:58

What should you look for in a wife and abuse sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. He said Tunica Holmer, actually herba that a woman is married for wonderful things. And he mentioned her beauty and he mentioned her status. Her you know, her lineage. He mentioned. He mentioned her a flower. Okay, and he mentioned her Dean, right?

00:58:59--> 00:59:33

And he said, go for the one with the dean. So the most important thing you should always look for in a woman after you know that you're attracted to her. Now I want to say attraction probably first and then talk about the dean. Because unfortunately, there have been many cases where brothers have married a girl because of her Dean, but was never attracted to her. And he ends up oppressing himself by pressing her in one way or another and he leaves her because he was never attracted to her behave Meritor on the basis of Dean so if you're attracted to her, I'm not talking about Mr. Miyagi is somebody that's overly beautiful and you had issues but you're attracted to her. You can

00:59:33--> 00:59:59

see yourself being intimate with her, right? There's attraction. There's chemistry, right? If that's there, then we look at the dean. If the dean is there we look at we look at her her mannerisms. We look at how she engages with her parents. How does she talk to her mom? How does she talk to her siblings? That's going to be an indication of a lot of her Yanni her athletic and her manners, right? We ask questions. What do you think of the feminist movement or, or what do you think about women working

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What do you think about, you know, a woman working full time? Or what do you think about having children you need to ask you need to know what you want. So that's part of the package and asking the questions Insha Allah, does that answer your question? Where you're coming Salama your marriage it? May Allah bless you with a hood have been one of the holders of the dunya in sha Allah that that is steadfast and righteous.

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Charla Any other questions before the event I think or one more?

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Yes brother.

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Some advice for the Muslim youth is to stay on the Dean stay with good friends stay Yandi learning as much as you can

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spend the work on yourself work on becoming insha Allah financially independent having a good and a good income is very attractive work on your health work on having good habits from a young age because then those habits carry with you whether it's training, whether it's worship, whether it's you know, investing in different courses to become a good version of yourself. Doing I would recommend doing Islamic Sharia course you don't have to go to Medina you don't have to go to Egypt. If you can do that. Excellent amazing. If you can't do it online, you know Bill Phillips has, hasn't has a university you can do Medina University, I think Malaysia this, invest in yourself, be the

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best version of yourself. Don't settle for mediocracy right still to be the best version of yourself and be put yourself around the best of the best. Whether it's entrepreneurs whether it's the chef whether it's your only good friends, you put yourself around the best of the best you can be the best version of yourself in the future in sha Allah Who Tada

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is that Kamala Harris Subhanak Allah Houma contextual La ilaha illa ancestor Furukawa